al-->
12:01 pm September 14, 2001 010914_81.
my head is spinning my head is
spinning. i feel sad, and scared, and helpless, and small. watching the
continuous coverage is like watching a movie....and then it hits me that it is
actually real. i have sadness for all of those people and for all the people who
are experiencing sorrow and loss and hatred.
it occurred to me this morning that i wish i could hug those arab americans who
are completely innocent and are experiencing hate and anger from ignorant people.
these are not the people who are dancing in the streets, these are american
people who happen to be middle eastern or arab or muslim who are feeling just as
much fear and anger and sadness as the rest of us. it could just as easily be me
who is persecuted for being jewish, or gay, or a woman, or a brunette....it
scares me
i'm rambling and i fear that i'm not making any sense or that i will be
misconstrued and misunderstood...oh well, i guess it's my diary for my thoughts...hopefully
i haven't offended anyone.
i'd better get back to work (pointless as it is). i hate my job, but more on
that at a later time.
-chnacat
7:36 am September 20, 2001
010920_69.
ice cream nothing new to say...still sort of reeling from the
attack on wtc...
they say that one in seven people are feeling depressed, that's a lot of people!
i'm one of them.
i decided to eat ice cream because of it. i had been doing a low carb diet and
had not eaten ice cream for a long time (my favorite food group!)
then i thought, what if i was one of those people on the airplanes or at the wtc,
and i knew i was going to die...would i want to go knowing that i had deprived
myself of ice cream for so long?
life is for the living, so live, and enjoy (even if it makes you fatter)
7:38 am September 21, 2001 010921_76.
i love you a few thoughts on love...
my girlfriend (we'll call her laverne, to protect her identity) and i have
differing thoughts on the word love.
i tend to use it freely and for many things. i don't think that by doing this,
it diminishes the value of the word at all.
for example...i love my friends, i tell them that i love them...but it is not
the same kind of love that i feel for "laverne"...for her, i feel a deep,
penetrating, all encompasing love...monster love, outrageous love, outlandish
love, consuming love....
for my friends, i feel a sort of superficial love (which doesn't make it a
lesser love, just a different love) i guess maybe it is a lesser love in a sense.
i wish i had a different word for it, but i don't.
when i say i love my friends, or tell them i love them, it is sort of in a
family kind of love, like we are all brothers and sisters (kumbaya)
i "love" my law school professor(s)! i don't really love them, in the true sense
of the word, i just enjoy them! i enjoy learning from them and they make me
laugh...so i say i love them...but it's not real love...for God's sake, i don't
even know them (and i'm not that kind of girl!)
i could never love someone to the depth that i love my angel girl.
sometimes i think that sounds like a cop-out, but it's the truth. maybe i do use
the word love too freely?! i don't know.
i think we need to have more love in the world (not to sound like a tree hugger,
even though i am one)
love you,
chnacat
2:04 pm September 24, 2001 010924_12.
fear and self loathing in california just thinking....(it's a bad habit!) with
all this new found love and togetherness...i am still plagued by an intense self
hatred. i can love others, i can love "laverne" unconditionally, i can love our
animals...but i hate myself.
isn't that sad?
why yes lisa, that is sad...
i guess i don't hate my brain. i think i'm pretty smart and i think i'm funny
sometimes (quick with a joke and to light up your smoke)...but i HATE this body!
i'm convinced i am deformed (no offense to anyone out there who is deformed) i
think i'm a monstrous beast. i'm pretty sure that i'm ugly. not gross to look at,
but not pretty either...
ok, i'm not trying to have a pity party here (after all, i'm probably the only
one reading this anyway) i just wish that i could find a way to tolerate myself,
if not like me just a little bit. people tell me that i'm not ugly, not a
hideous beast, not fat and disgusting...but i'm sure they are just saying that
to be polite! after all, what kind of asshole would admit to your face that you
should be wearing a bag on your head?
allright...enough self bashing...
back to the love
-chnacat
7:57 am September 26, 2001 010926_23.
just sad today is the 12 year anniversary of the day my brother was missing.
tomorrow is the 12 year anniversary of the day my brother committed suicide.
12 years! i can't believe that it has been 12 years. it seems like it just
happened yesterday. it seems like it is just happening now. some years, i re-live
it like it was happening now, some years it seems so far away and distant, as
though it happened to someone else.
for whatever reason, this year is very difficult. maybe it is exascerbated by
the tragedy in new york? maybe not?
i know that tomorrow i'll go to temple with my parents for yom kippur and it
will be very emotional and very difficult and when we say the mourner's kaddish,
i'll probably cry...and the day will end...but then things will go back to
normal and i will be left with this empty lost feeling that i will have to cover
up or shove deep down inside myself again.
i miss my brother!
sometimes i feel very alone without him. there is no one else in the world that
can remember what it was like to be a kid growing up in my house. there is no
one to share those memories with.
sometimes i feel like i'm going to shrivel up and blow away.
-lisa
November 15, 2001 011115_93.
uh...yeah ok, so it's been a while. and no one is reading this anyway, so who
really cares, right? right.
so i've been feeling really depressed lately. like i haven't felt since i was 16
years old. (that was 18 years ago). when i was sixteen, i made a half assed
attempt at killing myself...and all week, i've been wondering why i didn't do a
better job at the time!?
it occurred to me today while i was driving to school, that everything i do is
half assed. i don't do anything balls out, i never have. in undergrad, i did
what was necessary to get by...not do well, just get by... at work, i do great
at first, then i do just what is necessary to not get fired...until i quit and
then find a new job where i do the same thing over again. and now i'm in law
school... and i'm doing a half assed job of that too. i know that i'm smart, i
know that i could be the top of my class...but do i try? no...i just do what's
necessary to get by.
i hate myself. i hate the person that i am. i hate my body...i've been thinking
a lot about suicide lately. either that or completely falling off the wagon (slow
suicide). i've been sober for 6 years, and i keep feeling like i want to use.
and i would, if i didn't think i would lose "laverne".
that's pretty much what it all comes down to. i don't want to lose "laverne".
i don't want to lose the best (and only good thing) in my life. i would be so
lost without her. i love her so much. and we have a great relationship...but i
have all these fucked up thoughts floating around in my head.
people at school ask me, are you ok? how are you doing? and i say, ok, fine,
thanks...but they know that i'm not ok, just by looking at me. but what am i
going to do? unload on them, all of my fucked up psychological bullshit? i need
a good therapist. i'm scared that i'll eventually fuck up everything that i
touch. i thought that i had my weight under control, but i don't...i did for
awhile, but like everything else, i fucked that up too....it's only a matter of
time that i fuck up my entire existence.
"laverne" and i were talking about school the other day, and she said, what if
i don't make it? and i told her, that if she didn't make it, it'd be ok, that
she gave it her best shot, etc...and i thought, what if i don't make it....i've
already been told by my parents that they will basically disown me if i flunk
out of law school...and "laverne" said, you can't do it for your parents, and
you can't do it for me...if you aren't doing it for you, you are doing it for
the wrong reasons.
i'm not going to law school for "laverne", or for my parents, or for anyone
else....but it is nice to have my parents be proud of me for a change, even
though it's completely superficial and conditional....
everyone else in here (the computer lab at school) is working on school stuff...and
i'm in here fucking off. i should really get to studying...
oh well, bye for now...
me
November 17, 2001 011117_2.
more
of the same not much to say, just trying to consistently keep writing in this
diary thing. i have no other outlet right now, so i guess it's good for me.
i'm such a chicken shit! all this talk about wishing i were dead, and i don't
have the guts to go through with it! i do however, have a plan, which i think
will be quick and painless (to a degree) but i won't divulge that here...lest i
give anyone else ideas.
so i've been in the library all day studying, and my brain feels like it's going
to pop...and i feel like i got little or nothing done. although i did get to
have a nice lunch at denny's with my love and some student friends...
uh oh, time to go home....
i'll write more later (yeah right!)
toodles
-me
November 19, 2001 011119_81.
this neighborhood is going to hell hi, me again. i just had a really nice talk
with one of the professors, not about law school, just about life. it was really
deep and really intense...and i find myself just trying to process it all now. i
don't want to forget the things that she said, cause it all had value and wisdom...
i think that the nicest thing that she said, was that i wasn't wasting her time.
i feel like i waste most people's time. like i'm not worthy of existing and i
just take up space. useless, failure, etc.
i'm going to try to live my life in faith rather than fear, but i don't know
what i have faith in...being in fear is a lot scarier, but a lot safer too. it's
been my home for 34 years. i'm comfortable here, the couch has my butt print on
it...the place smells like me...home sweet fear. but it's a miserable place to
live, and all my neighbors are nervous and anxious and upset and cranky...and i
hate it. maybe i'm not quite ready to move yet, but i'm getting there.
i looked at some nice places in faith, they are all bright and sunny, and
carefree and filled with love. i just don't know if i can afford the rent there.
or if i deserve to live in such a nice neighborhood!
and that my friends, is what therapy is for! i should really find a good
therapist, so that i can get out of my fucking head all the time....
enough for now, this emotional roller coaster is making me motion sick.
bye.
me
1:45 pm March 26, 2002 020326_6.
blabiddy blah blah long time no talk to....i've been actually writing on my
other page
http://iam.bmezine.com/?chnacat
"laverne's" dad is dying. it's been hard to write about, let alone think about,
so i've only been writing in one spot.
anyway, i'm still here....so there....
12:55 pm May 16, 2002 020516_28.
a sad and sheltered life so, i haven't
written in my diaryland diary in about 100 years!
i've been reading some other diary's though, and i'm feeling completely
sheltered!
poor poor me!
June 11, 2002 020611_75.
=( still here....still queer....
i miss "laverne"! i miss her so much i can't stand it! i wish she'd come back
to me with all of my heart and soul. i'm lonely for her...
ok, i said it. i'll get off my pitty pot (for now)
June 13, 2002 020613_98.
who are you and what do you want? i wish i had more
friends. i wish i was more social, instead of cloistering myself in my house
with my television and my dog and my cats...
i wish i knew more lesbians, that i could hang out with, and do fun things with....that
i could meet someone, and have a crush on them, or they could have a crush on me...
i wish that "laverne" would come back to me, or let me go forever, so i can
either hold on or let go...
i wish i was more decisive...
i wish i had a secure job and didn't have to worry so much about money...
i wish my mother could accept me for who i am and not wish i was someone else...
i'm lonely. i'm scared. i'm strong. i'm capable. i'm artistic. i'm friendly. i'm
not sure if i'm attractive. i'm spunky. i'm unconventional. i'm a little sad. i'm
goofy. i'm spontaneous. i'm introspective. i'm self depricating. i'm intelligent.
i'm alone. i'm me.
June 20, 2002 020620_61.
the line there is a fine line that one must walk...between being a nice person
and getting your heart squished. i spend a lot of time on that line.
August 22, 2002 020822_81.
which
ambiguous dyke are you? ok, just got back from michigan...had a marvelous,
stupendous, fabulous, amazing time....
there's not much else i can say to describe it without being in front of you so
i can dance around and gesture wildly in order to clarify my experience.
suffice it to say that it was the closest thing to actual nirvana that i've ever
experienced.
i feel whole, and cleansed....and actually, i feel beautiful....
and now, for the much awaited for quiz (lets not forget where our priorities lie):
I'm Velma, which ambiguous dyke are you? Quiz by Turi.
6:58 pm August 29, 2002 020829_30.
birth of a radical feminist dyke! i have a lot of thoughts...mostly while i'm
driving, and i compose these wonderfully witty and engaging diary entries,
promising myself that i'll remember every clever and enchanting word. then,
further promising myself that not only will i remember every word, but i will
write it in my on line diary, and i will be consistent about it so i can develop
some sort of readership. which, alas, probably isn't going to happen.
so
as it is, i'm writing for myself, which is really the true purpose of a diary
anyway, not the online kind, but we work with what's available here.
so, i went to michigan womyn's festival (www.michfest.com) this august, and had
an amazing time. i am realizing that i am just starting to understand what it
means (for me) to be a womon* and a lesbian.
*(yes, i know i spelled womon "wrong" but it's my mild attempt at freeing the
feminist within....so back-off)
ok, back to my budding lesbian feminist identity...i have never felt freer,
safer or stronger then when i was in michigan, surrounded by all those wonderful
womyn* who had so much to offer, spiritually, educationally, emotionally, and
all kinds of other ways (and no, i'm not elluding to sex).
womyn are powerful! we rock! we can move mountains, and make babies! get a group
of womyn together and you can do just about anything....tell them that they don't
have to shave their legs or their armpits or fall prey to any other societal
facist beauty standards...and who knows what they can do...it would be truly
amazing!
i want to hold on to that. i want to be the womon i was in michigan all year
long. i want to make a difference in the world, and stand up for injustice...i
want to be an advocate of peace, and a promoter of people working together
intelligently, after all, we are all the same! (even the one's of us who have
penises)
i didn't leave michigan a "man-hater"...i never hated men, i just prefer not
to have anything to do with them sexually (and no, it's not a choice...i was
made this way)...but i think i have a greater appreciation for womyn in general,
which is cool. for lack of a better word. (i am after all a california girl....or
should i say grrrl?)
since being home, i have done some research on womyn's only lands/communes/intentional
communitites....i cannot tell you the strong desire i have to move to one of
them, or at least to a more lesbian intensive environment, rather than living
here behind the orange curtain, where if you are different, they come to your
house in the middle of the night and take you bound and gagged to the stoning
circle...where you are stoned to death by right wingers and republicans. so far,
i've managed to fly just under the radar, but you know the time is coming when i'll
be discovered.
well, for now, i leave you (which you are you talking to lisa? no one is reading
this, remember!!)...ok, for now, i leave me with this one last thought...
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
September 01, 2002 020901_60.
you
are getting sleepy...very sleepy well, as i promised myself, i'm here to make a
"regular" entry into my beloved (or rather, soon to be beloved) diary.
i've been seriously entertaining the thought of moving to san francisco....yes,
i realize that i start my master's program on wednesday, and that i haven't even
been to class yet, but i'm already investigating transferring to san francisco
state and looking at potential living situations in the east bay that would
allow pets.
all this because someone made a casual suggestion that it seems like i would be
really happy there, that i belong there....why can't i have the courage of my
convictions before someone casually mentions an idea to me....some kind of
original thought, my idea, so to speak....
i've always wanted to live in the bay area! (that's an actual original thought
by the way) i have always felt more comfortable in my skin when i am there,
which i think speaks volumes. it's important to feel good about yourself and the
environment you live in.
also, there is WAY more opportunity for lesbian feminist activism in the bay
area...which leaves me with two thoughts...the first being that i should move
there immediately and embark on my new journey, with my new radical lesbian
feminist identity being formed by real lesbian feminists....and second that i
should stay here and create an environment that is more lesbian femenist and
will attract others of my ilk...but alas, behind the orange curtain, it is
difficult to find other lesbians, let alone other radical feminist protesting
types....
so i've decided to give myself a year. a year at CSULB, to see if i like it
there....to see if it's the education i'm looking for....and if it is, then i'll
stay here (and probably try to accelerate my very part time program so i can
finish in less than 4 years)...and possibly move to sf when i get my MSW...
besides, wasn't it just a few weeks ago, that i was loving my place, and loving
my solitude and loving my city? geez, am i that easily suggestable? please, don't
anyone mention anything remotely life changing around me...it might become my
next passion...
September 01, 2002
020902_27.
inapropriate thoughts ok, so i've finally updated my page, much
better if you ask me, which you didn't, but it's my page....so....yea, anyway,
things are ok. i went to an annual friend-of-the-family bar-b-que....everyone
had to comment on my hair, or the lack thereof (being that i shaved my head when
i was in michigan). it goes against all of their conservative jewish be a nice
daughter standards...
a couple of people asked me, "where's your friend"...meaning my girlfriend,
meaning my lesbian lover....i didn't want to get into the fact that she broke up
with me and moved out...so i just said she couldn't come. not to mention the
fact that they were just being nice by asking and no one was really interested
where she was anyway.
i wish i could say to them, oh, you mean my lesbian life partner? (well, that's
what she was anyway) and watch the color drain out of their faces. one of my dad's
friend asked me (quite sincerely) what i wanted to do with my MSW...when i said
i wanted to work with gay and lesbian youth, he just completely tuned out and
started talking to my dad....i should have run around the pool shouting "LESBIAN,
LESBIAN, LESBIAN" but i didn't want to cause a scene, and besides that, the
food is always good and i want to be invited back. priorities ya know.
so...not much else to report, except that i am more convinced than ever that i
need to move somewhere less conservative. sometimes i actually feel for my
freind who has moved here from new york to go to law school....the fact that she
has to live in orange county in order to get a good legal education (not that
you can't get a good legal education elsewhere, this is just where she chose to
be...) is just not right....i mean, no one should HAVE to come to orange county....although,
it is a nice place to vacation....
September 02, 2002 020902_75.
just
one more thing... yes, i realize this is my 3rd entry tonight....but i'm making
up for lost time...
just wanted to post a link to some words to live by....
manifest this muthafucka
September 02,
2002 020902_3.
book 'em dano... ok, i guess i'm going to have to come up
with some sort of system of clever pseudonyms and aliases to protect the
innocents in my life...so as not to reveal their true identities, since so many
of them are very important people and a few even have high government clearance...don't
want to get anyone accidentally killed or deported ya know...
so, what am i doing up this early (it's 6:30am)? and why am i writing yet
another entry? well, for one thing, i can't sleep because i have so much rolling
around in my head. i find it better to write it all down and get it out of my
head so i can go back to sleep. but that still begs the question, why feel the
need to publicly post it...??
well, my answer to that, why not. ok, that being said, i feel much better now.
i had some pretty significant thoughts about racism last night, but i think that's
going to have to be another entry, cause i'm getting the sleepies again...
god bless brain-deadedness, however temporary!
pictures of the kids....just for your own edification....
this is nicky
and expo
here's pierre
and last, but certainly not least...pj
rings.
1 ringy dingy, 2 ringy dingy
%%diaryring_michfestgrrl%%
%%diaryring_lisa%%
%%diaryring_queer%%
%%diaryring_gay-bi-human%%
%%diaryring_gratefuldead%%
%%diaryring_smart-chicks%%
%%diaryring_lesbian%%
%%diaryring_simpsons%%
%%diaryring_gradschool%%
%%diaryring_girlyman%%
September 03, 2002 020903_90.
dr.
freud will see you know
greetings! it's good to be awake, i had such bad dreams last night. always the
same dream....in different locations with different players..but it goes
something like this...
i'm moving out from somewhere....all my belongings are packed up in boxes and
suitcases (which is sort of interesting, cause i don't own any suitcases....but
i digress). stuff is piled up everywhere, and i have to hurry to get to wherever
it is that i'm moving too...but there's always the question of how to get the
cats to and from...
in some cases, i have to put them in cages....little weird cages that are sort
of hampster sized...but for some reason they fit in there ok...
in this case, they were just instructed to follow us (apparently we were driving
or walking this whole trip....so they'd be able to follow our scent)...
so we (there was more than just me, but i couldn't tell you who the other
characters were, they morphed during the dream...sometimes, my dad was there,
sometimes my mom...who i was INCREDIBLY rude to in my dream, go figure...and
there were others...but i couldn't tell you exactly who they were) were treking
along...slogging through muddy forests, and crawling through sewers, and there
were the cats...dutifully following along. we'd stop every once in awhile to let
the kitties catch up, but they always seemed to make it.
and, for whatever reason, it wasn't just nicky, pj, and pierre...
mulher's cats were there too, the little troupers that the are, they made it all
the way to the destination.
which, was some ramshackle house on a very crowded street that was situated on
the corner and facing a beach....lots of foot traffic...and there were tents and
people camping next to the house.
once we got to the house, it was all about fixing the house up and making it
liveable....but there were always the cats...the worry about the cats, the
making sure that they were ok, protecting them from danger...i don't know how
powerful i think i am, but if those cats could walk all the way across wherever,
through forests, and sewers, and god knows what else, then i'm sure thay can
take care of themselves in this house...
and for some reason, i don't know how, but my stuff always manages to make it to
the new destination. i don't remember bringing it with us, but voila! there it
all is...and magically, it puts itself away nice and tidy.
now, if i could only get the cats to clean up like that, i'd be set!
i know all of this stems from having a conversation about how mulher brought her
cat's here to sunny fabulous oppressive orange county from new york...(stuffed
in a cat carrier bag and brought on the airplane...forced to impersonate a
single cat, and deny their identity as two separate cats for a grueling 9 hours
without food, water, or cat sand...) a very impressive story when told properly....her
cat's must be super felines...or maybe she's a witch....
anyway, i'm awake now...still jobless, but not for long, and really enjoying the
fact that i didn't actually go on some monster journey with all those cats...
i was going to write about what a fun time i had yesterday picking out produce
with mulher (i SO love her! but not in that way) but this dream thing sort of
took over. at any rate, if anyone needs some highly expert produce picking, i'll
rent myself out for relatively cheap.
now, i must go try to teach the cats how to clean the house...getting them to
use the mop will be a little tricky, but they can just use their little tails to
mop if they can't manuever it....they're smart...they'll figure it out.
September 03, 2002 020903_57.
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September 04, 2002 020904_29.
hey
ma....i got a job! i got a job!! yay!!!! i'm going to be doing customer support
at the software company i used to work at...on a 6 month contract....and they're
paying me $3600.00 a year more than they did when i left! life couldn't be
sweeter!
and, tonight's my first class...
and, yesterday, i finally managed to clean my whole house...
and, well, that's it, but that's pretty good if you ask me.
no strange cat traveling dreams last night, but i did have a strange dream about
being a mildly (developmentally) delayed boy in a mental hospital...too weird to
go into detail...suffice it to say, i'm happy to be awake, once again.
September 05, 2002 020905_24.
it's
all about semantics the problem is...what do i call her? she's not my girlfriend
(anymore)...she's not my partner (anymore)...
ex-girlfriend sounds so...i don't know, jr. high...or maybe it's just the
finality of it that i can't deal with. ex, meaning former, meaning used to be,
meaning not anymore.
i found myself talking about her yesterday (well, not "about" her per se, but
about what she does for a living) with some of my new classmates at school, i
didn't know what to call her, so i called her my best friend, which she is, but
that still didn't feel right coming out of my mouth.
i've been feeling sort of strange about the whole thing lately anyway. i mean, i
know that we aren't together...but we had such an amazing time in michigan, it
sort of gave me hope for "our" future. and then we got home, and the distance
is there, and the uncomfortable-ness of not knowing what the future will bring.
she said that was kind of exciting for her, not knowing what each day will bring.
i guess it's like that for me too, but i think i let myself get swept up in the
greatness that we shared and the closeness that was just ours in michigan. i'm
certainly enjoying my alone time. i think it's been good for me. i feel good
about me, and comfortable in my skin! which is fabulous, there's no other word
to describe it. i wonder sometimes if i will ever meet anyone, or if anyone will
ever be interested in me...or find me attractive. and yet, in the back of my
heart and mind, i'm sort of waiting for "us" to re-connect and begin a new
journey together. back together and better than ever. i know that i can't wait
for that...cause there is a strong possibility that it will never come. and
there is something dangerous in waiting for someone else to make a decision
about how your life will pan out. i am definitely in control of my life...but it's
a fine line. if that makes any sense.
i feel like i need some distance, but at the same time, i feel like i want to be
close to her. i miss "us". i miss the comfort and ease with which i can be
myself around her. not that i can't be myself around anyone else, cause i
certainly can, but the grace and calmness with which she accepted me for who i
am is hard to come by in a judgmental world. i know that i choose to look the
way i do, with my multiple ear piercings, and my tongue pierced, and my tattoos,
and my GI Jane haircut....i like myself this way. i feel good about myself this
way. so when i get looks from people, or stares, or disaproving glances, it's my
own "fault"...cause i chose to be a non-conformist. but there is something so
wonderful in being with a person who loves you no matter what. being able to be
in their presence without worrying about how you fit into the world in a social
context...it's refreshing...and with her, it was like breathing. easy,
comfortable, pleasant.
but she feels far away to me, and that brings up all my fears and insecurities,
so i'll keep my relative distance for a while (or at least try to) and hope that
at some point, she misses my company and asks me back into her life. and if she
does, she does....and if she doesn't, she doesn't....after all, it is what it is.
September 07, 2002 020907_73.
be
here now! good morning one and all (that's so presumptuous of me isn't it!) ok,
good morning self....
i have a lot of thoughts to write about, and yet, no words with which to write
them. i must attribute that to tiredness...cause if i attribute it to anything
else, i'll have to admit that i'm losing my brain function and that's just too
frightening.
so, my little daily meditation book said this morning....basically, "live in
the now". "experience life as it is happening". a good little piece of advice.
i would like to think that i would have come up with that little tid bit on my
own, without having to shell out $7.95 to have some little book tell me. but
considering the low brain function this morning, maybe i'd better rethink that.
(that is, when i have the ability to cognitively function on my own again).
so, seeing as i'm starting my new/old job on monday, i have to keep reminding
myself that i have all of today and all of tomorrow before i re-join the rat
race. hence, living in the now is just what i need in order to make these last 2
days of freedom worth it. that sounds so depressing, like i'm going to the
gallows or something...funny enough, the company i'm working for is called
liberty.....
i think i will ponder that one for awhile, and try to come up with some catchy
pun or giggle about it later. i know there is one there, i'm just to tired to
think about it.
September 09, 2002
020909_28.
interesting...i did suck my thumb...
Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz
September 09, 2002 020909_54.
possibly WAY too much information ok, because it's not my own original thought...i'd
like to give credit to bevin who got the idea from someone else....it seemed
like an incredible challenge, and besides, i'm at work, and i'm bored...
so here it is...100 things about me:
1. i'm a virgo (8/27/1967)
2. i used to be very fat, but now i am very thin
3. i am addicted to coffee and, to a lesser extent, diet pepsi
4. i talk WAY too much
5. i have a good singing voice, better than average
6. i used to act in a lot of plays and musicals, but don't anymore, and i sort
of miss it...
7. i misuse and abuse the common elipse...
8. i know a lot of people, and have a few friends, but for the most part, i'm a
hermit
9. i HATE talking on the telephone
10. i really like writing
11. i'm constantly thinking about what next to pierce or tattoo...
12. i never thought i'd live past 25
13. my parents are jewish, but i'm a jewish christian
14. i have lost a friend because i'm gay
15. i LOVE being a lesbian
16. i wish i was more social
17. i use the keeper
18. i have horrible study habits, but i seem to do "ok" in school
19. i love the simpson's and buffy the vampire slayer
20. serial killers fascinate me
21. i wanted to join the fbi...but i'm too old
22. i love kids, but i'm not sure if i want to have my own or not...and i don't
know what circumstances will force me to decide...
23. i miss my girlfriend, but i'm enjoying being single
24. i'm fiercely independent
25. sometimes, i'm way too needy
26. i like to play with toys
27. i was married to a man for almost 5 years
28. i am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic
29. i struggle with food, every day
30. my mom never liked animals, so i was not allowed to have pets growing up (except
for fish)
31. now i have a dog and 3 cats...
32. i think i'm ugly
33. i have artistic ability...i can paint and draw (sort of)
34. i never figured i'd amount to much, but i'm proving myself wrong
35. i never take my earrings out
36. i sing in the shower, in the car, in the house...but i get shy singing in
front of other people
37. i wear rings on my fingers and my toes
38. i don't eat white flours or processed sugars, and i don't miss them
39. i drink more water than most people i know
40. i grind my teeth at night
41. i pee with the bathroom door open....
42. i'm very smart
43. i'm a deadhead...and have seen over 100 shows (with all my ticket stubs to
prove it)
44. i've always wanted to live in san francisco, and some day, i will
45. i prefer blue ball point pens
46. i look younger than i am
47. i sometimes act younger than i am
48. i'm closer to 40 than to 30
49. growing old doesn't scare me, but i don't want to be old and decrepit or
feeble
50. i love doing crossword puzzles
51. i get impatient with stupidity
52. i tend to repeat myself
53. i have a dry sense of humor and i think i'm pretty funny
54. i try to be spiritual...but often times, lack spirituality
55. i buy too much needless junk
56. i LOVE music, couldn't live without it!
57. i absolutely love peanut butter, but i prefer the all natural kind that you
get at the health food store...
58. i used to wish i was my age in the 60's....but now i'm glad that i'm my age
in the year 2002
59. i'm outspoken
60. i'd rather be wearing levis and a t-shirt
61. i detest the game of golf
62. my brother killed himself when i was 22
63. i've attempted suicide
64. i grew up in a very oppressive area...
65. i like to stir up controversy...by being different than the "norm"
66. i don't care what you think of me....
67. i struggle with wanting to fit in and then not caring if i do
68. i hate being left out
69. i sleep way too much
70. i take medication for depression and have been on it for 13 years
71. i am terribly afraid of needles...but i have no problems getting tattooed or
pierced
72. i slip into other accents very readily...it's a problem...
73. i hate to exercise
74. i'm a big dork
75. i didn't think that making this list was going to be this difficult
76. sometimes, i'm way too tragic
77. i don't wear make-up
78. i have pretty green eyes
79. i've often thought that my parents don't like me and are disappointed with
me
80. i don't think i'm attractive and i fear that i'll be alone for the rest of
my life
81. i try to be organized, and am for the most part, but i tend to be a slob
82. i like to have political discussions
83. i'm a wannabe activist
84. i don't play with my dog enough
85. i have a very nice set of dishes (from my wedding)
86. i'm manipulative and can be conniving, but i don't lie
87. i think i'm strong...physically
88. i just want people to like me
89. i LOVE being in school
90. soybeans are my friends
91. i'm almost a vegitarian...but i still eat sushi sometimes
92. the skin on my hands has and orange-ish tint...
93. i know how to make hemp jewelry
94. i have horrible posture
95. my nose is crooked...on the inside
96. i sucked my thumb until i was 13 years old
97. i still have all my childhood teddy bears and stuffed animals
98. i worry about everything
99. i drive really badly
100. i can't really keep a secret, but i try
September 10, 2002 020910_51.
it could happen again, and probably will in
thinking about the day...being a year after the day before...
i was pondering this morning, how last year, at this time, i (we) was blissfully
unaware of how the world would be permenantly changed in just 24 hours...
and now, i'm still blissfully (or just in denial) unaware of what the future
holds...
in other words, it could happen again, any time, any where, to anyone. you can
never be prepared for the unknown. so (in my humble opinion) we should live each
day as if it were our last, and be in the moment, and appreciate our friends and
families, and our freedoms, cause they could all be gone tomorrow.
3:25 pm September 12, 2002 020912_71.
waxy produce i have those poetry
magnet things....i wrote two "poems" yesterday at my desk...here they are:
euphoria i whispered,
incubate in pink honey.
worship shadowy re call,
here is bliss
the second one's not really a poem, just a thought...
if you lick waxy produce,
you may like it
and lastly...
never move my shadow
...thank you, thank you very much, the author will be at a book signing in the
back of the store for the next 15 minutes.....
September 15, 2002 020915_49.
epiphany epiphany...by lisa....
ok, so i'm all hung up on if and when we're going to "get back together". and
yesterday, we baby-sat for her neice and nephew and had a marvelous time playing
with the kids (i LOVE those kids! they call me aunt lisa, which is one of the
most special things in the world to me...to be able to spend time with them is
more important to me than just about anything)
anyway, she brought up this other woman, who she has feelings for...and how she
broke up with her girlfriend (yet again), which prompted me to ask when they (she
and this woman) would be getting together....which got a chuckle...
and i asked her why she even brought it up...cause it's painful, and i don't
really want to hear about other women she has feelings for...and it sort of
hurts my feelings.
and i got to thinking about it when i got home, actually, i was trying to study,
and i found that i was looking at the words in the book, but thinking about her
and if/when we would be back together and if/when we would live together, etc...so
i had to put the book down and really give this some thought...
i'm single. i'm not dating anyone, i don't have a partner, i'm not having casual
sex with strangers...i'm alone.
she's not coming back to me, i'm not waiting for her to change her mind, i'm not
waiting for her to realize she's made a mistake...
i don't need to be with someone, and i might never be with anyone again....that
just might be the way it is. i have to live my life, and be the best me in can
be. i have to pursue my dreams and my desires....but that doesn't have to
include another person. i don't need to be waiting for someone to come into my
life. i don't need to be wondering who i will grow old with. i will grow old
with myself. i don't need to consider anyone else's thoughts or feelings in my
daily decisions...what i do affects me, there's no one at home to call if i'm
going to be late. there's no one to consult with if i want to get another dog.
there's no one i need to ask, before i plan a trip or spend money, or buy
groceries. i'm it...just me...
which has made me sad in the past...but i'm going to reframe it and think of it
differently, not that i am alone, but that i am free.
September 18, 2002 020918_60.
sign me please oh, won't somebody please sign
my guestbook...tra la la...
September 19, 2002 020919_21.
back
to the rat race well, after a week of being gainfully employed at liberty ims, i
thought i'd give ya'll a report...
first off, let me preface by saying that i used to work here...a year ago. i was
the executive asst. to the ceo, then i worked in hr, then i was moved into
customer support...but i was still responsible for being the asst. to the ceo
and doing hr stuff...needless to say, i got burned out and consequently hated my
job. (hate being an extremely mild word for how i actually felt)
ok, so liberty take 2, i'm only working in customer support and i'm digging it.
i love helping people solve their tech problems...it's very empowering...
and school's groovy...one of my professors is working on publishing a manual for
glbt teens in crisis...and she needs a research assistant, and i volunteered....
life's just cruising along, no bumps in the road right now, which is good...i'm
not doing too well on the not calling thing, but i'm trying, which is better
than a sharp stick in the eye.
and on that note, it's back to work...
September 22, 2002 020922_2.
life is so strange....when you don't know i
feel healthy and strong...healthier and stronger than i've felt in awhile. we
had a long talk today...not about "us" or the future...just about life...how
we approach it, how we deal with stuff, separately, as individuals.
i told her that i wasn't sure that i trusted her anymore....that she wasn't
necessarily a "safe" place for me....it kind of felt empowering to let that
out. i said that if given the opportunity, i wasn't sure that i could trust her
to not break my heart again...even though i love her more deeply than i've ever
loved anyone...but that i wanted her to be happy. that she deserves to have
happiness...it was a good conversation, and i didn't walk away with any false
hopes or anxiousness...just a good feeling that it's nice that we can talk like
that....and a security in knowing what we share is special and always will be...
this is such a process...three steps forward, one step back...two steps forward,
1/2 step back....but always moving forward. and it feels good. it feels good to
want to be with me, and to not feel desperately lonely or scared or "un-special"
to anyone...i am special to me, and that's all that matters.
part of me wishes i had some great juicy tale of a weekend tryst or some hot
steamy sex scene to recreate for you all...but that's not me right now...although,
i'm not sure if i would share it even if it happened...i'm shy that way...
anyway, i guess life is good, and continues to get better, which is nice, i like
it this way, even if i'm out here on my own.
September 25, 2002 020925_70.
skin deep?? i wonder, if you feel beautiful,
do you project beauty?
the other day, in the car, on the way to school, i was driving along, singing to
my kris delmhorst cd...and feeling particularlty beautiful. wondering if the
other people in the other cars could see me and recognize my spectacularness....
then, i caught a glimpse of the real me in the rear view, and the whole
beautiful image was shattered...
but for a brief moment, i was the shit!
September 29, 2002 020929_37.
retail therapy....or, woe is me sometimes, you just have to blow off
responsibility and go shopping...and then again, that might just be the biggest
cop-out i've ever talked myself into.
i was supposed to study. i was supposed to finish the 4 chapters that i have for
class monday and tuesday. i was supposed to write my outline for my policy
analysis....did i? of course not. at about 5:45, i decided that i needed to find
myself a good pen (or a pair of boots, or a cute sweater, whichever came first).
Naturally, i ended up at Target, where all good people go when they want one of
everything...
didn't find the boots i wanted, i have this elusive pair of boots in my head...i
know exactly what they look like, but whenever i walk into a shoe store, they
don't manifest themselves properly...
didn't find a cute sweater, there were a bunch of mediocre sweaters, but no cute
ones.
i did, however, find a pen...but because it was all packaged up, encased in 2
thick layers of plastic, which is impossible to open unless you have scissors or
a sharp knife, due to the crimped edges of the packaging (i think you know what
i'm talking about) i was unable to "try it out". to see how it felt in my hand...to
write with it...but it was only $3.99 and i liked what i saw, so i took a gamble...bought
the pen, and some blue refills, cause it only came with black ink.
i got it home...extricated it from it's plastic enclosure....switched the ink
and tried it out. it's too heavy. fuck. shit. damn. ok, i'll try to use it for
awhile and see if i can get used to it...but i think it's going to be too heavy.
they're always either too heavy, to thin, to gloppy, to expensive, don't have a
ball point, don't have a medium point...i'm in pen hell. i must have done
something really bad to some writing implement in some previous life. pen abuse...hi,
my name's lisa, and i'm a former pen abuser. i can't seem to find myself the "right"
pen. maybe i'm just too picky...i guess i'll never know, unless of course i
choose to go to some sort of pen therapy or maybe there is a pen 12 step program.
i'm powerless over people, places, and pens.
so now, my penance (no pun intended!) is that i'll have to stay up tonight and
finish my reading...and i'll have to write my notes with a heavy pen.
September 30, 2002 020930_34.
ugh. and ugh. the long slow grieving process
ok, so i talked to her today...and she mentioned that she might move to another
city which is about 20 minutes away to be "closer to the gay community"...which
is all very well and good...something i myself have wanted to do...
which then starts me thinking...she's slipping further and further away from me....the
chances of us getting back together are becoming slimmer, which, although i know
intellectually, it still causes me pain...it just makes me sad...
and then i think, well, i knew this...it's not like it's a new thing, or a shock,
or anything like that...
which starts me thinking about how i'm probably going to be alone for the rest
of my life...and then all of a sudden, i'm having a pity party, and apparently,
i'm the only invitee...(which is much different than a trespasser)
i go through these thoughts, do i even want to be with her at all...or is it
just that i don't want someone else to be with her...to take my places...
yet, she's still my best friend...but i feel her moving steadily further away
from me.
she told me about that "other" girl's dad...how he's sick...out of remission...and
i have compassion for her, even though i somewhat blame her for our break up. a
very strange place to be indeed.
i want her to be happy, i really do...but i want me to be happy as well...
ugh. and ugh.
October 04, 2002 021004_76.
introducing...Java time flies! and don't let anyone else tell you differently!
the only exceptions seem to be when you are at work, at school, or in the
dentist chair. one minute you are young and free, and the next minute you are 65!
and somewhat on that subject,
i was thinking today...thank God i'm 35 and thank God the 20's are over! No more
searching for who i am and missing the mark completely! Now i'm comfortable and
confident in my own skin, which is nice!
So, we have a new member of our family....his name is java, he's an 8 month old
min pin (miniature pinscher).
he came to live with us so that expo has a companion to play with and love and
he is just a sweetie!
it's also fortunate that he looks like a mini expo..so we can avoid any
questions like, "oh, is he adopted?" or "who is his father, he doesn't look
like any of your other children!" which can be embarassing and demeaning.
here's a coupl'a pics!
enjoy
October 07, 2002 021007_50.
a
squirt in the face well, it's monday, once again. my company is having this big
conference, so consequently, there is no one at the office but me and one of the
other support guys....and the COO....
which is groovy, cause i can fuck off today if the phone doesn't ring. which
will be good for about 2 or 3 hours and then the boredom sets in. i have to
figure out a way to do my homework without the COO catching me....cause i didn't
do any of my reading this weekend and my cubicle is right outside his entirely
windowed office.
speaking of fucking off...i got myself a new couch and coffee table at ikea....the
old couch was getting kind of ratty and i was in the mood for something new....
which is not to say that i can afford it, cause i can't and i shouldn't have,
but it looks nice and i love it...so there!
anyway, not much else to say. no juicy romantic or sexual escapades...i did
however go to gay day at disneyland this weekend. it was ok. lots of us gays
wearing red shirts...very festive. i decided almost immediately that disneyland
is a once every 10 years experience...it's too crowded and too expensive, so
after 10 years, you'd forget how miserable you were all day and want to go again.
it really wasn't that bad! i was with a group of women and one of them had a
handicap ticket, which enables the handicap person, and up to 5 of their closest
friends, to just walk onto the rides, bypassing all those people waiting in line
in the hot sun. better than a fast pass...so that was cool i guess. although, i'm
not sure why this woman had one of those? cause i couldn't tell what her
disability was....but who's complaining!
java is settling in nicely. buddy's still there, she picks him up this evening,
so i think that things will be more calm after tonight. we start puppy obedience
training next saturday. i've already started training him not to bark (by
squirting him w/ the water bottle and saying eh eh really loudly...) as
suggested by the trainer. it works. it works for buddy too, who is a chronic
barker! not no mo! he hates being squirted....so all i have to do is reach for
the squirt bottle and he clams up! it's nice...but i feel bad for squirting him!
he gives me those sad eyes....but i can't let him manipulate me! must be strong!!
well, that's pretty much all she wrote....so...
October 09, 2002 021009_30.
fresh meat it being what it is...i have posted a
profile on planet out.
i have gotten a couple of responses! which, frankly, shocks me....but that's
just something i'll have to get over.
so, i'm single...it's officially official...she's seeing this other chick...she's
totally into her...i wish them both happiness. although, if i was going to be
perfectly honest with myself, i'd have to say i think it's doomed because i
think that this other woman is playing games with her. at least she was playing
games with her, and that kind of person doesn't change over night....but it's
not my worry. i just wish her happiness.
so, here i am, come and get me!
October
16, 2002 021016_7.
it's a date! i'm going on a date.
next sunday...the 27th...which is a magical day in and of itself for a variety
of reasons...i was born on the 27th....i met my ex on the 27th...my brother died
on the 27th...my ex's grandmother died on the 27th (actually, on my birthday)...
so the 27th is fraught with meaning. i didn't plan the date for the 27th
specifically, it just wound up that way.
i met her through planet out. we'll call her "the stylist" (she does hair).
we've talked on the phone a couple of times, and im'd....she's very nice, and
very cute! and seems to be someone i could really be friends with...which is all
i'm really looking for to begin with.
we have a lot in common...we think alike, we're both a little dorky...it should
be interesting.
to tell you the truth, i'm a little scared. not scared per se, but nervous. what
if she doesn't like me? what if i make an ass out of myself? what if she does
like me? what if i like her too? what if she likes me and i don't like her....what
if i like her and she doesn't like me? i'm not sure that my heart is ready for
this...and then again, i'm completely jumping the gun here....cause i haven't
even met the girl yet.
i mean, technically, i don't even know if it's a date. we're going to meet and
have a meal....so that's sort of a date i guess...but it wasn't like we asked
each other out...it was more like, hey, i read your profile...i've chatted with
you a couple of times, you're nice, lets meet...
and here's a challenge for ya, how do i keep from comparing every person i meet
to my ex (who is now in love with "her" and thinks that this might be "it",
which makes me feel like dirt...but i digress).
how do i not feel so hurt and let new people into my life and into my heart?
aside from the platitude about time healing all wounds, which to a certain
degree is a load of crap...
as it says in an incredibly sad Cheryl Wheeler song, "there's some things you
just don't get over".
well, i guess i'll just have to wait and see how this plays out.....
October 29, 2002 021029_38.
and so it goes - or - lisa, this is your life...
well, the date...was...nice. no sparks, no bells, just a nice dinner with
someone who i think i could be friends with.
i don't think i'm ready to "fall in love" with anyone (seeing that i am still
in love with her and that she seems to be warming up to me for some reason)
not quite sure what's going on...but i'm still on the dating trail...had coffee
with one girl on saturday....completely not my type, was really interested in
making money. i thought it was a complete bust.....i'll never see or hear from
her again. and then, lo and behold, she im's me....she had a great time, thought
i was so cute, wants to see me again. of course, i panic and say...sure...when
all i can think of is that she reminds me of someone who i'm not fond of and i
have no interest in even being friends with her...
yikes...what have i done.
so then there's this other girl....we'll call her drummer grl....she's a drummer.
i'm going to see her band play after school on wednesday night. she likes to
play laser tag....she's cute (at least in her picture) but like i said above, i'm
not ready to fall for anyone right now.
the cold hard truth is that if she wanted me back, it'd have to be after a lot
of therapy and trust rebuilding...but i'd take her back in a heartbeat! she's
the love of my life. what can i say. i think that comes around but once in a
lifetime...(insert sappy romantic music here).
so, i'm dressing up for halloween...i have no parties to go to, but i really
feel like dressing up, so i'm going to work as lil' orphan annie...and then my
new friend "the stylist" and i are going to see the movie "the ring" so we
can be really scared on halloween...too bad we can't trick or treat when we're
35....i mean, i guess i could if i wanted to, but to what end? i don't eat candy...
anywho, she's invited me to study with her on saturday, and to go to a law
school glbt bbq on sunday...all this attention, i don't know what to make of it.
so i think i'll make nothing of it and see what the future holds.
other than that....things are good...
oh, and appologies to mulher , no juicy sex scenes...i guess i'm just going to
have to read that german girl's page!
2:42
pm Tuesday, Oct. 29, 2002 tradingcard.
My Diaryland Trading Card
Diaryland Trading Cards!
chnacat
member since 9/14/01
gold edition
Description: just your regular, average grrl
Strengths: i can read minds and cook
Weaknesses: can't dance, won't do windows
Special Skills: too many to list...suffice it to say, i'm fabulous
Weapons: steel toed boots and kung fu grip
motto: it is what it is
Make your own Diaryland Trading Card!
October 30, 2002 021030_1.
what the
hell am i thinking? i pretty much have nothing to say...but i made myself a
promise that i'd keep this diary current...and update, which i hadn't been doing.
so i'm writing...even though i have nothing interesting to say...
which makes a HUGE assumption that i've ever had anything "interesting" to say.
so, news on the girl front...let's run down the list
the stylist
had dinner with, liked her, she seems nice...but no sparks or anything like that...
drummer grrl
meeting her tonight at a gig her band is playing at...
the other girl
had coffee...thought she wasn't interested in me at all...then got an im from
her wanting to see me again...
board riding girl
have been emailing her...seems nice, but lives far away...going to meet at a
skiing show in november
spiritual girl
same as above, but probably going to meet one of these days...
girl w/13 yr old
emailing...seems nice...not much to say...thinks i have a great smile
dog loving girl
seems a little young...been emailing...probably won't ever meet, but she's ok to
correspond with
sober girl
still haven't talked...she called and left a message on my machine, but i haven't
called her back yet...i don't know why, but she sort of scares me...
really, it's all for naught...cause i'm still in love with her and she still has
my heart...but that's not the goal here...i want to meet new friends, and that's
what i'm doing...
i just get scared that they'll all get the wrong idea...not that i'm a big flirt
or anything like that...but i'm friendly, and people tend to take it the wrong
way.
i don't know my head from my ass right now..and yet, at the same time, i feel
pretty good about me. i don't know what that's about at all...i'll just go with
it i 'spose....
October 31, 2002 021031_46.
the sun'll come out....
happy halloween!
0k, went to see drummer grrl play with her band last night...a couple of
observations:
1. she is HELL OF cute, great dimples!
2. she's a really good drummer! good chops, good time
3. the bass player seemed to be really talented
4. the lead singer/guitarist was a pretty good guitarist...but shouldn't sing....couldn't
understand anything he said...
so, i went to school...then after class, went to this bar/club and forgot my id
in the car...(for some reason, it didn't occur to me to bring it in) so i had to
go back out and get it...gave it to the girl checking id's (who saw it, realized
that i was old enough to be her very young mother, and sort of shrugged at me)
and went in....found a seat on this little concrete hearth thingy in front of a
fireplace...which wasn't burning anything...but fortunately, it was warm in
there, so i didn't freeze my ass off...
my intention was to go in there, say hi...and make a quick exit. but the
situation did not lend itself to that, due to the fact that she was already on
stage w/ the band by the time i got there...so i sat through their set...she was
fun to watch, so that was a plus...then, after their set, i waited while she put
away her drum kit...and sort of stood there...she waved, then came over to me, i
said "i'm lisa" she said "i thought you might be"... she asked me if i still
wanted to go see bowling for columbine...i said i'd love to...she then
introduced me to her friends (about 5 other women and a couple of guys) who were
sort of checking me out...we all went outside and talked for awhile, but it was
WAY passed my bedtime, so i had to say goodnight. we agreed to call and we'd
make a plan to see the movie...she seemed to be interested...but she could have
just been being nice...we hugged...i left.
don't know what, if anything will come of it. i do know that she's a little
younger than me (32)...she drinks (but i don't know the extent of that one...she
said she was really thirsty and might go back into the bar and have a beer...she's
got a posse of friends who look out for her...and it would be REALLY cool to be
the girlfriend of the drummer of a band...sort of celebrity by proxy...but that's
just me...
anyway, i'll keep ya'll posted (that is, assuming that ya'll are reading this...)
gotta go save the world now
November 06, 2002 021106_94.
they
were all yellow... so, i'm not quite sure what to do in this situation...actually,
there is more than one situation, but what else would you expect, i'm a
complicated girl...
ok, first issue - school:
i'm working with this professor on a book she's writing for GLBTQ Youth...i'm
compiling her data for her and getting all of her work organized...it's a HUGE
opportunity and i'm completely psyched about it!
the issue is this, next semester, her class (the continuation of the class i'm
taking this semester) is only being taught at 3:00 on monday afternoons...
which presents a sticky problem..cause i'm at work at 3:00 on monday's and they
(my employer) isn't too keen on my not being there during the day....)
i cold take some other professor's class at night...but i'd be missing out on a
great opportunity to work with her and learn from her...
so, do i take the class, and risk getting fired? or do i not take the class and
keep the crappy job that i pretty much hate, but need to keep because it pays my
bills...
second issue:
i have GOT to stop playing games with myself about "her"...she's not coming
back to me....she doesn't love me anymore...i have to somehow grasp that and
believe it so that i can move on with my life. i don't necessarily want to get
into another relationship right now...i don't think i even have the capacity to
give my heart to anyone right now...i just feel like i can barely go out and
meet new friends...let alone audition womyn to be my next girlfriend....i can't
even go there...but i don't know if it's that i can't go there because i can't
let go of "her" or if it's just too soon...
third issue:
hmmm...i guess there's not really a third issue...i'm all consumed by the first
two...(God help me!)
ok, so if anyone has any brilliant suggestions on how to better organize my life,
please let me know....not that i'll take your advice, but you know....
btw, it was good to see some of my old professors and some of my current friends
(ok, one in particular) at the law school shin dig i went to! i miss those
people, but i sure as hell don't miss law school!!! i made the right decision!!
peace out sista's
November 09, 2002
021109_23.
take my stuff....please so, went to see bowling for columbine
with drummer girl...had coffee afterwards...i like her, she's interesting.
and she smells nice...which is an added plus.
i hope that we can do more stuff and hang out...in other words...i hope she
likes me too (not necessarily in that way).
finally finished my paper, well, the first draft of my paper. i'm convinced that
it sucks eggs...but i'm going to have "her" read it tomorrow and give me her
opinion...being that she's a social worker, and a law student, i think she might
have something relevant to say about my social welfare policy analysis...even
though it sucks eggs...
java did really well in puppy school today...we've learned sit, down, and stay...but
for some reason, the only one we can recreate at home is sit and that's only
sometimes. i personally think that this dog is really smart and he's snowing me!
he probably already knows how to do all of this stuff, but doesn't want to let
on that he knows....cause then i'd expect things of him. oh well, he's cute and
i'm a sucker!
well, i'm off to gel lazily in front of the tv...where i will quietly let my
brain leak out of my ears...
but before i go, i don't know if i've mentioned this before or not, but i'm
feeling the very strong urge to get rid of all of my "stuff"....all my crap,
my books, my tv, my knick knacks, my clutter, my extra clothes...just pare
everything down to the bare necessities. off load everything. i'd do it too, if
it weren't for the fact that i'm so attached to my stuff...which is part of the
problem, and part of the reason for wanting to get rid of it all. i feel like it's
weighing me down....stuff ownership...but i know me, and i know that if i did
get rid of it all, that would just give me license to replace it all with new
stuff...which totally defeats the entire purpose.
but then there's the problem of how to get rid of my stuff...i'm not going to
throw it all away...cause that's wasteful, and i have some pretty neat stuff....so
i guess, if anyone wants my stuff, you should let me know and we can work out
the arrangements. you have to haul it yourself though...
November 14, 2002 021114_98.
and so it continues to go so, i'm here at work...things
are odd...i don't have a better word for them.
i've applied to sfsu...sent my application and transcripts, so we'll wait and
see about that...
i got my application to work crew at next years michigan womyn's festival...sent
that in, so we'll wait and see about that...
i might have a housing/job opportunity in oakland, but i won't know for awhile,
so we'll see about that...
wrote her another letter telling her my "feelings" and blah blah blah...i need
to get over it, so we'll see about that...
that's me, just waitin' and seein' about a whole load of shit!
still wanna get rid of my stuff. i can't believe there were no takers...the
offer's still open ya know!
November 17, 2002 021117_53.
well,
what'd'ya know! one paper down...one to go. i'm not sure if this one is any good.
but i'm tired of it at this point, so i'm done.
not the best way to look at it, i know, but like i've said before...it is what
it is.
i'm listening to my new (old) bitch and animal cd....i like them more and more
the more and more...if you know what i mean.
i think i found more and more useless things to do this weekend than work on my
paper. not that what i did was useless, per se, but i could have spent my time
in a more academic fashion. i did manage to work on training java a little more...but
that's a never ending process if there ever was one. good thing expo's already
trained...
so, i'm sitting here...waiting for her to come over. she called me this moring
and asked me if i wanted to hang out tonight...of course i said sure, what else
would i say? God help me, i still love her so much...
ok, so pj and nick are sleeping next to each other right now, and it's so damn
cute!
November 21, 2002 021121_61.
civil rights 101 good day...
so i'm being completely irresponsible, and i'm goin to vegas this weekend! wahoo!
are you going to participate in the Gay American Smokeout? or i guess i should
say 'did you' participate?
i think that even though smoking is SO addictive (i know, i used to smoke a pack
a day) that we should fight the corporate takeover of our bodies and quit
smoking and making the people in the tobacco industry rich....
whoa...sorry bout that...i don't know how that happened...i thought i turned off
my political soap box side....can't let that happen again...
so anyway, i just thought that it was interesting that there was a Gay American
Smokeout...it's funny, we (the royal we..the gay community) are so two faced. on
one hand, we want total inclusion...we don't want to be seen as different, we
want equal rights, to be seen as just a part of society... and then, on the
other hand, we want our own American Smokeout...separate but equal i guess...it
just doesn't work that way...didn't work that way before, not gonna work that
way now. we have to decide which side we want to play on. but enough
politicizing...see what a social work policy class'll do to ya! sheesh....
November 22, 2002 021122_66.
here we go again i let her bring her dog over....i
tried calling her last night...her phone was busy...i sent her an email and she
didn't respond...we're going to vegas...and we've planned a ski trip...
i can't help but wonder if i'm being played
by her
by myself
what am i setting myself up for here?
can i just be her friend without getting my heart stomped on?
or is this headed for some serious heartache on my end? or rather am i in for
more heartache than i'm already feeling...
and how many times does a person have to get kicked in the head before they "get"
the lesson?
i feel a gigantic bruise coming on!
November 25, 2002 021125_40.
it's not television, it's wonka vision back
from vegas...no worse for wear. i actually had a really fun time. and there was
no sex. we didn't even sleep in the same bed.
we did however, have some great conversations and some great laughs. she's my
best friend, that is for sure.
i'd like to believe that she had such a fun time with me that she'll realize
that she can't live without me and wants to be with me...but i know better than
that...i won't delude myself. i have to live in the now, not the later...and
right now, i'm single.
i will say though that i got an email from someone who saw my profile on planet
out and they said i was delicious and beautiful! that certainly made my day...seeing
as how i've never really thought that i was that great to look at...
BUT
she lives in san francisco...so i'll probably never meet her face to face...which
is probably good, cause i'm pretty sure i look better in my picture than i do in
real life...
i am corresponding with someone...i'm not sure which one at this point, who
asked me what kinds of shows i like to watch...i started listing them, and
suddenly i felt like mike tee vee (i really don't watch that much t.v., really i
don't)
December 09, 2002 021209_4.
then
what!? it's beginning to look a lot like christmas...meaning that my checking
account is overdrawn, and my credit cards are maxed out.
i think i'm turning into a scrooge. not good, not good at all.
so, i'm plagued by the thought that i might get into sfsu, which means that i'll
have to decide whether or not to move to the city by the bay, which thrills me
and terrifies me at the same time. i'm terrified by the notion of moving all my
shit...i have a lot of shit....moving all those animals...i have a lot of animal...and
finding a place to live and work that i'll be able to afford etc...
i don't want to move up there...and then find out that it's not working...and
have to move back...and then have no place to live etc...
so, i'm praying that God will give me a sign...or make it obvious or something.
i really want to do the "right" thing....God help me!
on another note,
made it through her birthday party w/o a hitch. there wasn't anyone there that i
had to avoid...which was nice. i wish i had answers...but then again, i'm scared
of what they would be.
this whole being a grown up and living your life thing is really hard!
December 10, 2002 021210_20.
sanity is relative in the interest of sanity...i
decided yesterday that i wouldn't move...actually, i talked to her and she
suggested that i might be running away from things, that i have a good job, a
place to live, and am in a good school....why muck it up.
so, i resigned myself to staying here. cause i can so easily make up my mind
when it comes to the big decisions....
then i thought about it some more, cause you know i can't just make a decision
and let it go, i have to perseverate...and here's what i came up with...
1. i have to do my internship next semester, which means that i'll have to miss
lots of work (cause they don't do internships at night or on the weekends)...2
days a week, 4 hours a pop...and considering, i got this job on the basis of the
fact that school would NOT interfere, i'll probably get fired....
2. i still don't know if i got in or not...i may very well get accepted
3. i talked to my favorite professor last night, and she informed me that they
are moving forward with the oakland property and was i still interested in
living/working there...
so, i prayed to God about it while driving in the car last night...that whatever
is supposed to happen will happen...which i know is true anyway.
if i'm meant to go there, then i'll go there. i can't help but feel a little bit
excited about the prospect. as scary as it is. i've always wanted to live in the
bay area. ALWAYS. i had sort of resigned myself to the fact that it was never
going to happen, but the fact that it might...well, that's too cool to even
think about.
and i'm not "running away" from anything...so i don't necessarily agree with
her on that one. i don't necessarily think that the grass is greener, i just
feel like the change might be really fabulous for me and i'd be fulfilling a
life-long dream, which is what life's all about, isn't it?
and on another note, i'm officially insane. just thought i'd share...
December 11, 2002 021211_11.
oh
bother.... a new day
a new experience
ok, enough happy optimistic bullshit...
i'm a worrier. it's in my jewish blood. i have to either resign myself to that
fact, or try to change myself, which is probably not going to happen.
so, i'm accepting the fact that i'm a worrier, cause acceptance is the key to
all of our problems today.
Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!
December 16, 2002 021216_83.
old
shit so, i've been having these really intrusive thoughts lately...the likes of
which i haven't had for probably 15 years...
thoughts about wishing i was dead...what would thinks like if i wasn't around to
fuck them up, but not like thoughts of actually killing myself.
this i seriously OLD shit. and i don't even feel depressed...but it hits me in
waves. one minute i'm perfectly fine, and the next minute i'm thinking about how
everyone would be better off if i wasn't here...not like "oh poor me" but like
actually it would be better for society...i'm not sure where this shit is coming
from. nothing bad has happened.
it scares me...cause maybe it means the prozac's not working anymore. (i've been
on it for the last 13 years, since my brother off'd himself) and battling
depression (serious depression) since i was 12. it's been my saving grace all
these years. if it stops working, i'm scared of what will happen. scared
shitless to be exact. it'd be like taking everything i've done in my life and
all the growth i've made and flushing it down the crapper.
so, i can't perseverate on it...cause it only makes it worse.
and i read all this stuff about living life to the fullest, and appreciating
what you have, being in the now...i really try to live that way, and then my
crazy depressed side comes out to fuck it all up.
isn't that always how it is!
oh well, at least i can rest assured in the knowledge that the meek shall
inherit the earth, i wonder if that includes the nut-cases. if so, i'm set...if
not, i'd better start figuring out some way to support myself.
on a lighter note, i got my christmas shopping ALL done. and everything's
wrapped and ready to go. i think i went a little overboard where "she" is
concerned...but oh well, that's life in the break-up lane i guess.
and speaking of...there's this thing i saw on planetout.com about hurrydate...where
you pay 35 bucks, and go to a place where the drinks are cheap and you have 3
minutes to "meet" someone before you switch...then, whoever is interested in
you, checks you on a little sheet and if you like them and they like you, your
contact info gets given to them (and vice versa) and then you're on your own.
there's going to be the first one for lesbians in new york...(so far, it's only
been for the het's and the gay boys). there's gonna be one in san francisco...and
i thought, wow, wouldn't that be fun, i could go to that...then realized that
anyone i met would be living in san fran and that doesn't make for a good
scenario.
hi, yeah, my name's lisa, i'm completely fascinating and wonderful and you
totally want to date me...oh, and by the way, i live 600 miles away....
i guess i'll just have to wait till they come to la
December 17, 2002 021217_85.
it's either really lame, or a great excuse i
don't like the telephone. i'm not sure if i've mentioned that before or not. i
used to like talking on the phone, when i was a teenager. i'm not sure what
happened...could be, i've turned into my father, who can't stand idle chit chat
and only wants to have meaningful conversations. he'd rather sit with you for
hours in silence than just shoot the shit....
here's the quandry...for some reason, i feel the need to call "her" about 50
times a day...cause i'm bored, cause i'm lonely, cause work isn't challenging
enough, just to say hi, to hear her voice, whatever. i pretty much don't need a
reason.
however, when i'm at home, and the phone rings, God help me if i pick it up and
chat with someone....it's like i'm afraid of it or something. i think what i'm
actually afraid of is having meaningless chit chatty conversations with people.
it ties into the whole getting rid of my stuff and simplifying thing in some
weird way. i just don't want any extraneous crap in my life...i don't have the
strength to deal with it. i want things nice and clean and easy....no clutter....not
dirt....no fuss, no muss.
what does that say about me? that i'm a completely antisocial bitch....??
perhaps...
or does it say that i crave face to face intelligent conversation with
intelligent, emotionally available people? probably not....cause if given the
opportunity, i'd stay in bed all day and hide from everyone.
so where does that leave me? perhaps i should move to a cabin in the woods, with
no phone...but then i know i'd get lonely...so that doesn't work either.
i can't help but think that i'm a pathetic excuse for a human being. i have all
these great humanitarian thoughts...but when it comes down to brass tacks, i'd
rather just be alone. well, alone with a caveat....i'd rather just be with "her"
but if i can't be with her.....then i'd rather just be alone.
although, now that i think about it, being alone causes me to have all these
horrible thoughts of being dead...
woe is me....i fear for my mental health
December 18, 2002 021218_23.
happy
holidays, one and all! ok, so i think i've got it nailed down...i've got the
holiday blues...that must be it.
i feel kind of depressed, not really interested in doing anything festive, not
interested in partaking of any of the party atmosphere, the office pot luck, the
company christmas party, the secret santa gift exchange...blah.
i had a bit of a scare last night though...it's been an extremely long time
since i've felt like this and it freaked me out to the point of wanting to call
someone...but, of course, i didn't...i won't bore you with details, but it's
very old, very depressed behavior and i don't know where it's coming from (or
why).
but it's a weird kind of depression....it's all inside. like, i can be happy on
the outside (or seem to be) but i just feel so dark on the inside...but it's not
pervasive, and it comes and goes. hard to explain...
suffice it to say that i'm a freak. that should do it.
December 19, 2002 021219_60.
how
gay are you? gender...an interesting topic to ruminate on. i'm definitely a girl.
i've never felt like anything other than female. and i've definitely been
primarily sexually attracted to other womyn since before i can remember...although
i didn't come out till my late twenties and i had plenty of boyfriends and a
husband no less...being with boys never felt right...never felt comfortable. i
remembert trying to talk to my mom about it when i was younger...she sent me to
the temple's human sexuality class...where we learned about heterosexual
reproduction and birth control and std's and all that crap....
needless to say, i didn't get my questions answered, i just learned not to ask
them.
so why all the questions about gender? well, i've been participating in a
discussion of the WBW (womyn born womyn) policy of the michigan womyn's festival
and there is a lot of debate about trans-inclusion and trans-phobia, which got
me thinking about what it must be like to be transgender or transsexual or to be
gender dysmophic...
i'm not sure how i feel about trans-inclusion at the festival. on one hand,
having been to the festival only once and finding it to be one of the most
idyllic and beautiful places that i've ever been (both in physical beauty and in
mental/emotional beauty) i'd say that being in womyn's only space is the best
thing i've ever experienced. however, i have no idea if there were MTF
transsexuals at the festival or not. that being said, if there were, and it was
still such a fabulous experience, then i guess i'm all for trans-inclusion. or
at least post operative trans-inclusion. there were definitely womyn there who
appeared to be in transition from FTM, and i have to say that it was weird and i
did a couple of double takes when i saw them...like, OMG, how did those men get
in here...but seeing as they were still female's in body...meaning they still
had breasts and a vagina, i got over it quickly and didn't give it much of a
second thought...i think that showering in front of people with penises would
definitely have made a difference, but since there were no penises on the land,
i didn't have to deal with that.
part of being at the festival for me was discovering my place in the spectrum of
womynhood...and that i'm no less of a womon than any other womyn because i feel
fat or ugly or whatever..and that there is room for all shapes and sizes and
that we are all beautiful.
so back to the whole trans thing...i wonder what it would be like to be stuck in
the wrong body, how terrifying and depressing that must be...to feel wrong, all
the time.
there is a womon at the grocery store where i shop who is MTF. she appears to be
in transition and not post operative...but she still has some distinctly male
characteristics and is obviously not WBW. nevertheless, i don't think of her as
anything but a womon. which made me think about my definition of gender, and my
belief is that we (as a human population) are more than just male and female, it's
a continuum, a spectrum, and people are all over it.
it's a shame that we only have 2 categories with which to place ourselves. it's
sad that people like the womon at the grocery store have to force themselves
into a "category" and that people aren't more accepting of the differences.
this is definitely something i'm going to need to explore further...
so i went looking for the kinsey test online...to see where i fall in the
continuum. the closest thing i could find was this test which asks...how gay are
you?...so of course, i took the test, and found myself to be 70% gay...which is
a lot gayer than most gay people according to the test...
interesting. very interesting.
December
24, 2002 021224_70.
hypothosis so, i was thinking in the shower this morning....(it's
the place where i do all my best thinking ya know) about all my previous
proselytizing about how happiness is a choice and all that bullshit.
my first and most immediate reaction was that i was completely wrong...and it's
all ver easy to say, when you are happy...
my second (and more delayed) internal response was that i was right...and that
things weren't really that bad...and i'd better appreciate what i've got before
it all goes away by my own doing. and that i choose to be happy.
this is a true test of my theory, because right now, i truly don't "feel"
happy...but i'm going to choose to be happy and see where that gets me. i'm
guessing that it'll get me happy....but that's just something i'm going to have
to test and trust.
so, merry christmas, happy kwanza, and etc. may we all have peace and most
importantly, choose to be happy.
December 26, 2002 021226_95.
Umoja, Kujichaguila, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba,
and Imani happy kwanza to one and all!
christmas was very nice. spent christmas eve with the 'rents...had some really
good sushi and opened presents. we decided this year that we would have minimal
presents (it was supposed to be only one gift each, but my mother went overboard
as usual).
for the most part, it was perfect. my mom and dad got me some fleece pajamas and
a new alarm clock...it's neat-o and retro looking...my dog's ate my old alarm
clock....so my mom thought she was being cute.
but, in terms of the amount of gifts, it was perfect! this is going to sound
HORRIBLE...but in the past, i leave my parents house after opening christmas
presents with bags of stuff...i know that i'm very fortunate...but i just don't
want all the meaningless stuff anymore. so the fact that i basically got one or
two little gifts was fabulous! i really prefer giving to receiving, to tell you
the truth.
went to her mom's house christmas morning, to exchange gifts and have brunch....got
to see the kids (neice and nephews)and give them their gifts...christmas is
about kids getting presents...it was nice. then went to the kid's house (well,
their parent's house, but you get my drift) for family dinner and gifts and etc.
i have to say, i LOVE being a "part" of that family. i love being aunt lisa...and
i love those kids. but it felt a little strange and a little uncomfortable. not
being there....just being there as a "free agent" so to speak. and she was
aloof and distant and kind of cranky...and it was hard to be around her.
so, now the next hurdle...we're going to tahoe together for new years. i'm
hoping that it's not going to be all stiff and uncomfortable...i mean, we're
supposed to be best friends. and i'm trying to get used to the reality that we're
not "together" and that's that....the more time that passes, the less i
believe that we will ever be together again.
December 27, 2002 021227_60.
old
toast ok...in this ever evolving nightmare that seems to be my relationship, or
lack thereof...
she's dating someone, she really digs her....(and vice versa), she got earrings
from tiffany's from her for christmas...she's completely ok with her going
skiing with her ex...
the fact that they even had that conversation in and of itself is enough.
so, i'm naseous...i mean, i know it's over...i knew it was over, but for some
stupid reason (as i've discussed here before ad infinitum) i had this stupid
notion that there was hope for the future.
toss that one out like old toast...just pitch it in the trash can, cause it has
no value whatsoever.
so, what did i do? i shaved my head again....cause i was growing my hair out in
some insane attempt to make myself attractive to her again...fuck it. i like my
hair (or lack thereof) like this....so screw her and her opinion about what i
look like.
i am going to have to get used to the idea of living my life without her. i mean,
she's my best friend...and i guess we'll always be close...i love her family
very much, but eventually, she's going to pair up with some other woman and that's
gonna be the end of me....i'll just become some peripheral character in her life...an
extra.
i am also going to have to get used to the idea of living my life alone. cause i'm
pretty sure that true love only finds you once in your life, and i already got
to have it...and it's gone. i can't see myself just "settling" for someone or
being with someone but not being completely lost in love with them, i don't
think i could do that to another person...it would be cheating them and me...not
that i'm such a prize or anything. and for that matter, what makes me think that
anyone would want me in the first place. so there i have it. there it is. i'm
going to wind up like paula poundstone. alone, with adopted children....i'm
going to have to get used to that idea...i'll get back to you on it.
December 30, 2002 021230_51.
welcome to the mood swing capital of the world
greetings. it's almost a new year. really though, why can't we start over
whenever we feel like it. i mean, can't we just decide on august first that we're
starting over, and begin a new year? why do we have to follow the gregorian
calendar...why can't we live by our own timeline? i think that i'm going to give
that one a try...but i'll wait until next year to start....why get ahead of
myself, really.
so, i'm getting ready to go on this ski trip. not very excited about it...i mean,
i love to ski...and then there's gambling and all that (on the nevada side)...and
that doesn't suck...
we'll just have to wait and see. and try to make the very best of it. she's made
it abundantly clear (finally, no more mixed messages, thank God!) that we are
not to be and we are not to be in the future. so i'm on my own. i'm free so to
speak...for good or for ill, i'm movin on.
which brings me to the topic of hair. after she made that clear to me (that she's
not interested in ever being with me again), i shaved my head...in a sort of
symbolic gesture to myself that she wasn't coming back and that it didn't matter
what she thought of my hair...it only matters what i think of my hair.
...shaving your head is a very liberating and yet somewhat disturbing thing all
at the same time. i mean, it's very liberating in the sense that you aren't
adhering to societal (and somewhat facist) beauty standards...and supposing that
you have a nicely shaped head, without lots of bumps and scars, your beauty
shines from within...you are able to see yourself as beautiful without all that
other crap the world piles on you.....and then it's disturbing...cause no one
else sees you that way, they just see a bald chick...they stare at you, or call
you sir, or look at you disapprovingly or sympathetically, like you are sick and
dying...
personally, i waver...sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and think, wow,
you have pretty features, you don't need hair to be beautiful...you really look
good like this....
and other times i think, why the fuck did you do that again? you really look
better with hair on your head...
i'm trying to have more moments of thought like the former rather than the
latter, but it's a process. in general, i think i look beautiful and that's all
that matters.
and i've decided that i'm not looking for a girlfriend anymore. (not that i was
consciously looking before, but sub-consciously, i think i was). i'm probably
going to wind up alone, i'd better get used to it and start building up my
friendships and stop being such a hermit. there's nothing wrong with being
single. besides, isn't it better to have lots of good friends? (ok, the jury's
still out on that one....but it's a working hypothesis)
ok, well, i've droned on long enough, yes? i'm off to make the best of the snow
and try to relax and enjoy myself...
January 06, 2003 030106_12.
the
Moral ABC's happy new year!
well, much to report...so i'll jump right in. went on vacation with "her".....it
was interesting to say the least, and i did have some fun. but the one thing
that i think i've come away with is that i'm ready to let her go. i don't want
her back.
she has a new girlfriend....and that's ok...of course i'm a little bit jealous,
but not in a "i want you back" sort of way....more in a "i wish i had someone
who felt that way about me" sort of way.
so, all in all, it was very cathartic...i feel a little freer, a little less
consumed by her, actually, a lot less consumed.
hooray for me.
so, on that note, i thought i'd share some fine words from my Dr. Bronner's
Peppermint Soap label:
"when half-truth is gone & we are dust, teh full-truth we print, portect &
teach alone lives on! Full-truth is God, it must! Help teach the whole Human
race the Moral ABC's of All-One-God-Faith, lightning-like 6 billion strong & in
our Eternal Father's Kindom, we're All-One! Listen Children Eternal Father
Eternally One!"
January 07, 2003 030107_12.
heads
or tails? ok, so...i'm slightly worried. not worried per se, but, well, lets say
it's just something i think about...
what if no one ever wants to be with me? ya know, in a romantic way....
what if no one ever finds me attractive or wants to kiss me?
what if i'm alone forever?
i mean, i guess it would be ok. i like myself...i'm decent company. but i get
lonely.
ok, why all the histrionics?
well, it's just that valentine's day is around the corner and there is a high
proliferation of red and pink "advertising" so to speak...ya know, in the
grocery store, in the mall -
the minute christmas is over, they have to start decorating for the next holiday.
God forbid they miss an opportunity to make a buck off some poor sucker - but i
digress -
so, i've been seeing all these valentines cards and stuff...and ya know,
responding to the occasional email generated from my various self aggrandizing
ads sprinkled over the world wide web, touting my fabulousness...and of course,
scouring the personals...and it just seems like i'm never going to find anyone...or
be found by anyone.
and really, is that the way it's supposed to happen? can you really find true
love or true friendship, or true anything, for that matter, on the internet? i
have virtually no social contact with other lesbians...so how else am i going to
meet someone?
it all feels so ridiculous....and why was it so easy when we were younger...to
meet people...was it because we were all in high school, or college, and we had
easier access to each other? i feel so isolated sometimes.
but enough of this...off the pity pot...i just have to live my life to the
fullest and live for myself and remember to be kind to others in the process....that
should be good enough, right?
and now, some words from Dr. Bronner's soap label:
"Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together.
All things connect."
-Chief Seattle
January 08, 2003 030108_93.
strange,
but true ok, a VERY bizzare thing happened yesterday....
well, actually, a couple of bizzare things, which leads me to question my sanity,
but only for a brief second.
first....
i posted an ad on another lesbian "match-making" web site....(no, i'm not
desperate, just incredibly bored at work with WAY too much free time on my hands)
ok, so i got a response from my ad...(it's in the "just friends" section) from
someone....she and i started chatting on aol instant messenger....ya know, just
friendly chit chatty kind of stuff...we started talking about books we like, and
art we like...and i'm not sure how this came about, but she told me that (and
she prefaced it by saying that it might sound weird) her friends call her the "crossroads
angel" and that she comes into people's lives when they are at a crossroads and
"helps them out".
ok, so at first blush....you think, right, wacko...very nice, move along, thanks
for coming...
but for some VERY ODD and unexplainable reason, it felt very normal. she
recommended a book to me (actually, strongly encouraged me to get it) and asked
me to begin writing down a wish list.....ya know, for all my hopes and dreams....the
book is by Richard Bach (of jonathan livingston seagull fame....) and it's
called A Bridge Across Forever and it's about finding your soul mate...
anyway, for whatever reason, i decided to take her advice..i got the book, and
the journal.....and now we're chatting online and she's probing me for
information about my childhood and what my views are about love and life and etc...i
don't know where this is going, or what i expect to accomplish, but i'm going
for it....if she winds up being a complete psycho and indoctrinating me into
some strange cult or something, then it's been nice knowing ya....but i don't
think that's the case.
we shall see...i have no expectations....
and the second bizzare thing....
i'm sitting on my couch last night, with the dogs, minding my own business....and
there's a tap on my window behind me, it's my crazy neighbor...she wants me to
hurry up and come outside....there's a ufo! so of course, i go out, and we spend
the next 10 or so minutes staring at the night sky...watching the ufo zig and
zag around...now, mind you, i don't see this elusive ufo, i see a star...blinking....but
she sees it...so i go with it...oooh, aaaah, did you see it that time. oh there
it goes again. wow, how amazing....blah blah blah...ya know, go with her
delusion....don't rock the boat. and all the time i'm thinking...oh geez, is she
off her meds again?! what's next!!!
if this is any indication of how 2003's going to be, this is going to be a
helluva interesting year.
January 09,
2003 030109_32.
who am i? here's what i learned yesterday....
i'm entirely self absorbed
i've had way too much therapy
i'm not as fucked up as i think i am
i appear butch to some people
i am a walking oxymoron
i'm a white girl through and through
i'm not sure about this whole internet guru thing. i mean, i'm not giving up...but
yesterday i got my feelings hurt...which is to be expected...cause my feelings
bruise so easily...but still, what do i hope to accomplish by this? i don't know,
i have no expectations....but then again, i have no passion either. nothing
seems to burn within me...i don't feel excited about anything anymore. and it's
been that way for a long time. i can't tell you how long i've felt so empty and
lost, but it's been more than a few years.
i don't know how to find myself again.
it's strange, i know who i am better than i've ever known before. i am a woman,
i am a lesbian, i am strong and capable, i am smart, i am funny....but then
again, i don't have a clue as to who i am at the same time. i used to be
passionate about music, and art, and drama...i used to do things that made me
feel joyful inside. lately, it seems, i feel nothing inside...and not just
lately since she left me...it's been a long time before that. the thing that was
different when we were still together was that i had her...and i loved her
deeply...so i guess, instead of loving myself and knowing myself, i just focused
all that energy on her...and now she's gone, and so, it appears, am i.
January 10, 2003 030110_69.
it's
not quite la perla....but good morning...yes....it is a good morning. well, it's
not a bad morning, and on the premise that the glass is half full, or at least
clean, then it's a good day.
sitting here at work, in the dark...i'm the only one here, so i can fart around
for awhile, not that i don't spend most of the day looking for ways to keep
myself entertained. i've actually set up an interview for a job at IKEA, doing
stock and warehouse stuff...there is no way that it could possibly pay enough,
but if it comes even close...then i'm going to strongly consider it...cause at
least i won't be bored. i CAN'T STAND being bored at work...or anywhere for that
matter...boredom is the worst. and it's a brain fuck....gives me too much time
to just sit and think.
so i'm going on this interview...is that not ridiculous? i have a good job (good
in the sense that it pays well)...and i'm looking at a not so good job (not so
good in the pay department)...on the flip side, i have no benefits where i'm at
now, and i don't get sick time or vacation time...at IKEA, there are benefits
and etc...so i don't know...could be worth it....i'll have to wait and see.
on a "letting your breath out" note...sfsu finally has my completed
application...with transcripts and all, so it's being handed over to the
evaluation people, and i should know soon...whether, or not....
and as a shout out to one of my favorite people...i bought a new bra last night...it's
tres comfortable and gives me great support (for as much support as my little
boobs need....) and i got it at.....drum roll.....
target
and it was $9.99
so, it's not la perla...and it didn't cost 1/2 my rent...but it's still
wonderful...so if you ever want to go bra shopping with me, and you know who you
are...just say the word.
January 13, 2003 030113_21.
mixed
messages mixed messages...gotta love em.
i'm not going to elaborate, but i just want it on the record that i completely
HATE being jacked around...and so, i'm trying hard not to be. i have to set
boundaries...in my heart...cause it was broken, badly, and i am not going to set
myself up to have that happen again.
saw two towers last night. great film....dug it...i wish that i could have lived
in middle earth...although, i would have had to either be a boy, or an elf...cause
women had it pretty shitty back then and there....
January 14, 2003 030114_62.
ode to katy hello. good day. how are you today?
that's what my (pseudo) niece says...it's something she learned in preschool...
she says it every time i see her...with enthusiasm and delight. she is filled
with joy. she's an amazing child and i love her so much.
she's a ray of sunshine. with a lot to teach and a lot to give. i am so very
grateful to be a part of her life.
January 15, 2003 030115_90.
goth kid's dream
thank you to my darling friend for leading me to the place where i could find
out about my deepest and truest self...i knew things sucked...but i didn't quite
know the extent of it.
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
January 16, 2003 030116_19.
pun-tastic
ok, so all my co-workers are talking about our software working in a clustered
environment...which started this pun war....using the word cluster (use your
imagination)
but, uh, anyway,
i painted last night. it felt really good. i have spent so much time telling
myself that i'm not really an artist...but i AM an artist. and i'm a pretty
decent one. i have got to start having more confidence in my skills and talents.
in myself. that can only be good for me.
i'm still not sure what my future holds...will i get into sfsu, will i move to
san francisco, will i win the lotto...well, actually, i know the answer to that
one, cause if you don't play, you can't win...but the other stuff still has me a
little squirmy.
i'm getting better about not letting it plague me...but it's getting to the
point where i'm really curious to know what's gonna happen...but i'll have
patience, cause i don't have much of a choice.
and as my mother tells me, i have my health...i should be grateful for that..and
if i'd only let my hair grow out, i might have a girlfriend...but that's my
mother speaking...so we'll take that with a grain of salt...
January 16, 2003 030116_72.
that's my mama! ok, i had my mom take the quiz....this
is the tree from whence the apple falls.....
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
January 17, 2003 030117_93.
she
moves like Agnes DeMille well, good morning. for whatever reason, i feel pretty
darn great today. do you ever look in the mirror at yourself and think, "geez,
i'm pretty cute!". it's a fleeting thought...a passing fancy, but it sure is
fun when it happens.
so it is, today, i feel pretty darn cute. it might help that i have on my
favorite low cut jeans and a new sweater from j crew....but let's not go there,
k?
i've been painting lately. quite a lot. i think that i've actually finished one
painting, and now i have 3 others in the works. i wonder if other people make
art like that...several projects going at once, or if they work on one at a time,
nice and methodical like...i don't think i'm wired that way...i have to have
several "choices" of things to do...when i get bored with one, i move on to
the other, and back and forth. this doesn't sound like a recipe for great
success in life does it? it sounds more like a good recipe for floundering
around.
i think i'm in trouble...unfortunately, this is who i am. perhaps, i'm destined
to just flop from one project to the next...never to plant roots...never to
settle down and become stable...always in motion, fluid, like mercury....like
the lava in a lava lamp...which is a very poetic and lovely way of saying big
fat loser....
shit, i crack myself up
January 20, 2003 030120_62.
a
painters tale art....it's a good way to get rid of some of your neurosis...or
maybe it's a good way to further some of your neurosis...not sure, could be both.
i painted this weekend...it feels so good to create. i made some deeply personal
art...sort of like a self portrait, with words. the problem with that kind of
art is that once it's made, you kind of want to just hide it away. what good is
making art if you just put it in the garage. i've been cranking out paintings
lately. i wonder if there is any way or anywhere i could display them...interesting
thought...i'll have to do some research about that.
i also started reading a book about feminist backlash and how the popular media
wants us to believe that feminism is the cause of all of our troubles today as
women...interesting. i just started it, but it does have a ring of truth to it.
java's back at the vet....he didn't pass whatever it is that he ate that is
causing him gastrointestinal trouble....they'll do another x-ray, and then if it's
still "in there"...they'll give him barium...and if that doesn't work...well,
we're not going there right now.
ok, so that's a whole lot of nothing to report...but that's all i have today.
thank you for letting me share
January
21, 2003 030121_98.
a night at the movies about schmidt...saw it last night...not
sure if i liked it or not. i'm not exactly sure what all the hubub is about...it
was a movie, not that great...but i guess, if jack's in it...it has to be
fabulous. i did however like kathy bates's performance. she's always so good...love
her...
i've almost completely stopped getting any responses from anyone at planet out
and all the other various online dating services to which i've subscribed...does
that mean i'm uninteresting and unattractive? in a way, it's almost sort of a
relief...cause the whole process of going and meeting people is so draining...but
then again, i don't want to be alone...but maybe that's how it's supposed to be
right now. i wish i had some clear answers...clear like ya know, my horoscope in
the newspaper...i'm a virgo...in case you wondered. clear messages like:
Virgo Horoscope for Jan. 21, 2003
This could be a very studious day for you, dear Virgo, actually it might be
better to call it laborious. But you love to work, and you will get all the work
you can handle today. It's a good day to work on all those things in your life
that still need a little of your attention in order to stand on their own, the
things that haven't quite found a permanent place in your life, like some of
your relationships, for example...and lisa, you'll be accepted at sfsu, but you'll
defer for a year and stay here for a while longer. there's a woman in your
future, she'll adore you. you won't have to pay too much in taxes. remember,
happiness is a choice. you lucky number is 8.
January 22, 2003 030122_60.
some good words
i am a member of a newsgroup...someone posted the following, and while it is
extraordinarilly poignant, it is also quite timely...and appropos to what is
going on in my life and lots of other people i know...so, reprinted with
permission from michael orlando here it is:
I remember watching a film a long time ago. I’m sure it was made before my birth;
it was a silent black and white movie, possibly a Keystone Cops, Buster Keaton,
or similar type of comedy. At one point in the movie, a man is standing outside
in a field next to the only remaining wall left standing of a two-story building.
It is a brick wall, and has a single window at second-floor height. The whole
point of the scene was that the man standing next to the wall just happens to be
coincidentally located in the exact position relative to the wall such that he
is unharmed when the wall comes crashing down because he emerges through the
opening of the window. If he had been standing only a few inches in any
direction other than exactly where he stood, he would have missed the window
opening as the wall fell, and been injured or killed by the avalanching wall of
bricks. (This stunt, I am sure, was performed entirely without the assistance of
computer-generated special effects of any kind.)
Our strongest wish in this life is made at the soul/heart level. Called by some
the “raison de etre” - the “reason for being”, it is why we came here in the
first place. The power behind this wish is greater than anything the conscious
mind alone can decide to wish for, and the power of this force is unmatched as
it pulls the attainment of this wish to the individual.
It seems to me that wishes are like the wall with the window opening: they
always allow some things while obstructing and preventing others. If the
individuals making this wish are in conscious alignment with their deepest
existential (spirit/heart) purpose, their conscious and unconscious actions tend
to place them in the very spot that the window of opportunity opens for them.
If they are off course in their life, and trying to live excessively from their
head while ignoring their deeper purpose, the resulting error coupled with the
powerful attraction hits them like the proverbial “ton of bricks”.
I believe that the difficulties encountered by the individual are the direct
result of this deviation between being overly focused in looking for the “head”
wish to occur to the exclusion of, and therefore, not being prepared for, the “heart/spirit”
wish.
Death is the result of this error in the extreme case; eventually, sufficient
alignment in this context is another way of describing immortality, spoken of in
the legends of every culture throughout the world.
We need to keep our conscious thoughts and desires in alignment with our deepest
existential wishes, and watch for the occurrence of that wish fulfillment, in
order not to be disoriented by tangential distractions so that we are not out of
position to accept what we really want most of all. It may well be the
difference between life and death. In one extreme, we attain our reason for life;
in the other, we are destroyed by the emergence of our own unrecognized desire
come true, being literally hurt or killed by the very thing we truly wanted most.
Any form of energy can be lethal; the answer to our deepest prayer is no
different if we are not in harmony with receiving it
At the core, it is not our face or name, not our rank or title, not our status,
position, wealth or prestige that define us. In the truest sense of all, it is
our most fundamental existential wish, deepest to the core and what we want most
of all, what we stand for and believe in, that ultimately defines who we really
are.
January 23, 2003 030123_68.
so's
yer old lady! last night, i went to the orange county chapter of NOW's annual
candle light vigil in honor of the 30th anniversary of roe v. wade
it was very cool to march and sing and represent a woman's choice to choose in
the middle of republican country...and to top it off, i took my mom! that was
neat-o too...to be marching for a women's right to control her own body...with
my mom! i was so proud to be her kid, even though she completely embarassed me
at every concievable opportunity.
i'm so grateful to both of my parents for raising me to use my mind and to make
my own decisions about things. i'm sure (or rather, i know) that they have not
been thrilled with all of the opinions and decisions that i have made/chosen,
but they gave me the freedom to have them and didn't discourage me from forming
opinions different from theirs...although, i think politically, morally, and
spiritually, we agree on most things...with the exception that my mother is
convinced that deep down, i'm really bi-sexual...despite all evidence to prove
otherwise. i guess it's her little way of being in denial about the whole
lesbian thing...who knows.
all i know is that i got pretty damn lucky in the big picture...i drew a pretty
good hand, and hopefully, i'm playing it right.
January 23, 2003 030123_8.
she's not sure if you're a boy or a girl
Questions about gender and a few things I know for sure:
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about gender. I think it all started
when I went to Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival last summer - prior to that, I didn’t
really give it much thought.
But there is so much hullabaloo about the womyn born womyn policy and not
allowing trans womyn into the festival - it got me thinking. I also discovered a
website called butch-femme.com, which is an online community of butches and
femmes who are “seeking” each other so to speak. There are a lot of forums and
chat rooms and personals and all that jazz - I posted an ad there at a friends
suggestion (urging) even though I don’t consider myself either butch or femme.
But since then, I’ve read a lot on their message boards and discussion topics - there
is an entire community of people who identify as butch (anywhere from soft butch
to stone butch) and femme (same spectrum) and there are people who are only
interested in dating womyn from the opposite “side”.
Sometimes there are butches iso other butches, and femmes iso other femmes, but
that seems to be rare. In this community, you are EITHER butch, or femme - .there
doesn’t seem to be an in between - which is where I fall.
Finding this site has prompted an interest in understand where each side is
coming from. I’ve looked at a lot of transgender sites and read a lot of people’s
FTM transition stories - how to pass - how to pack - etc.
One of the things that I’ve always sort of taken for granted was that all
lesbians loved womyn and that’s not the case at all - some femme’s are only into
penetration, and are only interested in being with very butch womyn who ëstrap
on’ or are packing - this is confusing to me because if they are attracted to that,
then why aren’t they with feminine men? Are they really lesbians? I don’t get
that at all - I’m not judging - I’m just trying to understand it, which, it appears,
I may never do.
However, on my continuing quest to understand myself, and my community a bit
better, I’m going to keep reading and keep researching. At first I thought that
my new found fascination with all of this meant that I was secretly yearning to
be either butch or femme or whatever, but I think it’s just my innate curiosity
in human nature that drives me to learn - it’s not like a personal growth quest or
anything like that.
Here's what i know:
I know that I’m a girl, grrl, womon, female, chick (on the inside and on the
outside)
I know that I’m pretty androgynous (looking)
I know that I don’t feel like a boi or a boy or a male
I know that I don’t have the desire or need to change my gender
I know that I am a lesbian, I love womyn and I love their bodies
I know that I’m not straight or bi-sexual, I don’t get turned on by men or their
bodies
I know that I’m not a boi
I know that I’m not a femme
I know that I’m not butch
I know that I don’t have the desire to dress in drag
I don’t know what my “type” is in a girlfriend or “date” but I seem to be
attracted to more andro looking womyn, or at least womyn who have feminine
qualities, even if they appear more butch
I don’t understand the whole butch-femme dynamic and the attraction of some
womyn to only butch womyn or FTM transgender people -
I don’t understand the whole top/bottom dynamic
I know that I’m not into BDSM
I know that I am confused by definitive “boxes” that people put themselves into
in terms of their gender (i.e., either boy or girl) but I don’t feel “genderless”
and I don’t feel like I’m a 3rd gender as some people do
January 24, 2003 030124_37.
it is...as
always, what it is... it's odd...the way things come to you. one minute, you're
playing with your webcam and farting around on the computer and the next minute,
you're standing in the kitchen feeling anxious and scared and lonely...or is it
just alone.
i don't understand shit like that. i don't understand how i could be feeling
alright, and then feel so not-alright. what changes? what shifts inside a person?
is it the realization that i AM alone? or did i just get bored, and in my
boredom, find my anxiety? i cannot tell you how badly i've wanted to call her
all day today..but i'm not pickin' up that phone. if she wants to talk to me,
she'll have to make the move. could that have something to do with my alone-ness?
perhaps...well, of course it does...but how do i overcome that empty feeling?
January 28, 2003 030128_20.
she's a
witch! discomfort - dIs-kuhm-fErt
noun , transitive verb
noun
1. uneasiness, pain, or distress of mind or body.
2. that which causes uneasiness, distress, or pain.
transitive verb
1. to cause uneasiness, distress, or pain in; make uncomfortable.
synonyms
uneasiness,uneasy, affliction, pain, distress, vexation, malaise , annoyance ,
anxiety , misery , disquietude , worry, trouble , nuisance, hurt, ache, burden,
hardship, unsettle, upset, disquiet, distress, ail, trouble, perturb, embarrass,
disturb, discomfit, discompose, worry, pinch, afflict
just got off the phone with her...she called me, cause i left a message on her
cell phone..i'm giving her my vcr...cause i don't use it, and she would...long
story, anyway, i left a message on her cell phone last night telling her to come
pick it up (the vcr) and then i decided to go to sleep, so i left another
message telling her not to come, cause i was going to sleep.
anyway, she called me back this morning...and we chatted for a brief moment...and
then, the good bye's...followed by this horrible feeling of emptiness and
discomfort (see above). i don't know why. maybe it's the realization that we're
done...the final understanding, like a giant thud inside my heart...that we are
over...kaput...finished...i guess it's cathartic in a way. a sort of healing,
the formation of a scab or maybe a scar...but it's uncomfortable none-the-less.
i'm starting to kind of like being alone...even though i fear that it will be
like this forever. but it's kind of nice to not have anyone to be accountable to...with
the exception of myself. and at the same time, there's that ever present
lonliness that seeps in every once in awhile and pounds me on the back of the
head...usually when i'm feelin pretty good about things.
damn the psyche....
on a lighter note, i stopped time this morning...i woke up late and had to
shower and get all my shit together (make lunch, make coffee, feed the dogs, get
dressed...in no particular order) in like 15 minutes...i decided that i would
stop time so that i could get it all done and i just put my head down and got to
it...wouldn't look at the clock...cause i thought that would jinx me...and lo
and behold, i did it!
i saw a segment on one of those newsy shows about how womyn are more able to
multi-task than men....and therefore more able to get more than one thing done
at a time...but i prefer to think that i actually can stop time. it's sort of
empowering.
January 28, 2003 030128_80.
slumming i was just sitting at home...and feeling antsy, so i decided to go "shopping".
going shopping is a little ritual i've developed....a sort of a "safe" coping
mechanism, in which i go (usually) to target, and just sort of walk around and
look at stuff.
it's nice, cause they have a little bit of everything. first i go clothes
shopping, then when that gets boring, i go check out housewares, then linens and
towels...then toys, then a quick perusal through sporting goods, auto, and
mensware...a peek at shoes, a look at intimates, then on to audio, cd's and
books...
it usually eats up about an hour and takes my mind off things. 9 times out of 10,
i don't buy anything. tonight i got gum, safety pins and a trashy magazine...but
that's not what prompted me to write this evening. tonight's little outing was a
little different. i decided that i'd try k-mart instead of target...i was
slumming, what can i say. there is a marked difference in the socio-economic
status of the clientele in each store...but (as usual) i digress...
i was walking through k-mart and came to the t.v. section...i wanted to price
their dvd players (not that i need one...but it's part of the shopping ritual)
on every t.v. in the place (ok, probably 5 of them) was good ol' W...spoutin off
at the mouth...something they like to call the state of the union or something
like that. at any rate, he was making noise out of his mouth, which i was trying
not to listen to after hearing him say nu-q-lar (a HUGE pet peeve, especially
for the president of the united states)...anyone who can't pronounce that word
properly shouldn't be allowed to make decisions about nu-clee-ar weapons...anyway,
i was trying not to hear him make allowances for why it's ok for us to bomb iraq...justifying
a war...and i had a visceral reaction. i got sick! ok, not like, ew, my tummy
hurts...but like OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO THROW UP RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF
KMART. ya know, when you break out in a cold sweat and feel like you're going
down. the thought of this man, running our country...doing pretty much whatever
he pleases in the name of the people of the united states made me sick. i wanted
to scream right then and there "this man does not speak for me"...i might have,
if it weren't for the bile in the back of my throat.
i played it cool though...i took deep breaths and walked out of there slowly...cooly,
like, "hey, i guess there's nothing i need in this department...i think i'll
stroll out of the store" but inside i was running. i wanted to get as far away
from that scary man who is running our country as fast as i could...i got in my
car and decided that my plan of action was going to be to make sure to get
myself someplace safe, right away....
so i went to target
January 31, 2003
030131_58.
will the congregation please rise i'm one of the guys...i like it
that way. all the guys at work treat me like one of their own...except when it
comes to discussions about the differences between men and womyn...then my inner
feminist comes out and instantly i'm not one of the guys anymore. most of the
guys i work with are great...there are a couple of them who are mired in
misogyny...actually, only one of them, and his snide remarks come out every once
in a while, but i think he's somewhat intimidated by me in a way, cause he doesn't
ever engage me in conversation...which is fine by me.
one of my male co-workers, who's VERY christian told me yesterday that he
believed that "lesbianism" as he put it, was anti-God and anti-biblical....but
that didn't change the way he feels about me, he still loves me...yadda yadda
yadda...i hit him with my feelings that God is the one who made me this way, and
that since coming out to myself and the world, i've never felt more at peace
with myself...and that i believe that living my truth is what God intended....to
which he countered with, "yes, but God made us all sinners....and he wants us
to overcome sin..."
you can't win an argument with someone who truly believes that you are the
epitomy of sin and depravity...it's really not even worth trying. and you can't
let it affect your self esteem either...it's just another facet of hate in the
world, masked by Jesus...so we left it alone, agreeing to disagree...and he
still loves me....
thank God for that!
February 02, 2003
030202_75.
ok, i'm starstruck...i admit it the most AMAZING thing happened
to me this weekend, but first, a little background/history lesson:
Morris Kight -- Liberator, Teacher, Leader, Freedom Fighter, Courageous Advocate,
Friend.
He was one of the founders of the Stonewall Democratic Club. But long before
that he was a pioneer for freedoms on many fronts: peace, civil rights, economic
democracy, free speech, as well as gay and lesbian liberation and empowerment.
He taught by his example the necessity of walking the walk, of taking pride in
our involvement in resisting oppression and forging and maintaining freedom and
justice. In 1969, he and a small handfull of others launched the Gay Liberation
Front.
In 1970, he co-created the Christopher Street West Parade (LA Gay Pride). He co-founded
the LA Gay and Lesbian Center in 1971 with Don Kilhefner. He fought tirelessly
for human and civil rights for all oppressed people.
Morris Kight passed away on January 19, 2003.
This saturday morning (2/1/03) was his memorial service held at the MCC in Santa
Monica. I was invited by my favorite Professor to volunteer...
It was like the who's who of gay history in los angeles....everyone was there...and
i was there and it was amazing. i didn't know morris kight..but i do know that
all he did to fight for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender rights is the
reason that i enjoy so much freedom today as an out lesbian. i've never felt so
grateful to someone that i've never met before. he was a pioneer. a soldier in
the war for freedom. he was amazing, did amazing things and mentored a lot of
amazing people.
my professor asked me to sit in the front row and make sure that people didn't
speak for too long...to give them the 1 minute, 30 second, times up warning...so
i was front and center to hear the following people talk about the life and
accomplishments of morris kight, in order of appearance:
*Reverend Neil G. Thomas, MCC LA Pastor
*Reverend Elder Troy Perry, founder of the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC)
*Ivy Bottini, feminist, author, activist
*Betty Berzon, author, activist, psychotherapist
Carol Kight-Fyfe, daughter
*Michael Weinstein, CEO of AidsHealthcare
*Miki Jackson, proprieter of Aunt Bee's and Out of the Closet
Gray Davis, Governor, State of California
James Hahn, Mayor, City of Los Angeles
Wallace Albertson, some woman...not sure who....
Gil Cedillo, Senator, State of California
John Duran, West Hollywood City Council member
*Jackie Goldberg, Assemblywoman, State of California
Sal Guarriello, Mayor, West Hollywood
Paul Koretz, Assemblyman, State of California
*Sheila Kuehl, Senator, State of California
*Jeffrey Prang, West Hollywood City Council member
Zev Yaraslavsky, Supervisor, Third District, County of Los Angeles
Gloria Allred, attorney at law
*Don Kilhefner, psychologist, co-founder of LAGLC
*Michael Kearns, actor, playwright
*Teresa DeCrescenzo, author, social worker extraordinaire, professor, executive
director of GLASS
there were people there who were on the "front lines" of gay liberation in
california. it was like being in a room full of historical celebrities...
suffice it to say, i was awestruck and left there feeling grateful for so many
things!
* denotes other gay pioneers in the fight for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and
transgendered rights.
February 04, 2003
030204_50.
he's gone yesterday sucked...well, actually, it was a great day
until approximately 7:30pm.
i played hookey from work, studied, wrote a paper, went to school (i LOVE school)
had a great class....got home, there was a message on my machine from my mom...nothing
unusual there, so i called her back.
"lisa..."
there is a certain tone to her voice...immediately i know something is terribly
wrong, but i'm not prepared to hear what she's about to tell me.
"what mom....what happened? what's wrong?"
"ronald passed away this morning"
i am in shock...i can't hear what she's saying to me on the phone...the tv is
suddenly too loud, i can't concentrate...
ronald is, well was like a second dad to me. we grew up next to ronald and ellen,
there wasn't a fence between our two houses...josh and gabe were like extended
siblings....gabe and my brother were best friends growing up. josh and i were on
and off pals (due to the age difference and a little bit of sibling rivalry...either
real or imagined). they are a part of my family. ronald had cancer. he battled
it before, was cancer free for awhile, and it came back. he did every treatment
under the sun...he was in seattle getting some kind of experimental stem cell
treatment...my dad drove him up there. and he died. his heart quit and now he's
gone. i didn't get a chance to tell him how much i loved him or how special he
was to me. how he was like a second dad.
i guess josh is driving the car back from seattle....and gabe and his boyfriend
are flying back with ellen and their youngest, allie, who is 9, or 10, or 11...she's
adopted...anyway...the funeral is on either thursday or friday.
it still doesn't seem real. i haven't been able to cry about it yet...my mom
says to me,
"don't worry, you will"
somehow, that's comforting.
February 05,
2003 030205_51.
i used to water his lawn death...the end...it's sort of been
on my mind of late. it's weird when a person dies, how you start to think of all
the interractions you had with them during their lifetime.
ronald was like my 2nd dad growing up...we didn't have a fence between our two
houses....they speyers and us...so we could just go back and forth as we pleased.
ronald used to come over to "borrow the ladder" which really meant that he was
having a beer...ellen didn't buy beer and didn't keep soda's or junk food in the
house, so ronald would come over and "borrow the ladder" every once in a while...i
remember thinking that he was the tallest man i'd ever met...he was probably 6'2"....turns
out his boys (as adults) are taller than he was...but as far as i was concerned,
he was the tallest man ever.
i remember when the speyers would go on vacation, ronald would pay me $5.00 to
water their lawn...which was like a million bucks when i was 10...
i lost touch with ronald when i grew up....cause i didn't live next door anymore,
and cause my parents moved after my brother died...but he was still like my 2nd
dad...in my head...if that makes any sense.
it's weird to think of ellen without him. it's weird to think of her as just her...and
not as ellen and ronald. that's going to take some getting used to.
i'm not sure i'm ready to go through this again so soon....we just lost julie's
dad 10 months ago...i don't know if i'll be able to let my self feel my feelings
or if i'll be stone cold inside to try to protect myself from the pain. knowing
me...i'll try to do both and fail miserably.
February 06, 2003 030206_52.
fine art i have so many mixed emotions right
now. i feel deeply saddened by ronald's death. i also feel sort of empty and
nothing. i know that i'll have a flood of emotions at the funeral, which is
tomorrow...it just doesn't seem real right now. although, i keep thinking about
ronald, and the past, and stuff like that.
i'm going on a "date" on sunday...well, i actually don't know if it's a date,
or a Date...one of the womyn i met the other night at the butch-femme event (did
i mention that?)...we're going to the getty museum (i haven't been there....i've
lived here my whole life and i've never been there). i don't even know how to
feel about it. i mean, she's very nice and she's VERY pretty...i think that we
have lots in common...but i don't know if i'm even emotionally available right
now...to be anything to anyone...and that's making a HUGE assumption that she is
even interested in me in any way whatsoever...i mean, i think i have the
capacity to be friends with people...but i'm not really that great of a friend
cause i never return phone calls and i tend to be a recluse....which i'm trying
to change...so maybe more friends is exactly what i need. i mean, i'm completely
loyal to my friends, i'd do anything for them....but i'm not good at reaching
out to them. this can be confirmed by mulher ...if you don't believe me.
at any rate, i feel like i'm in a constant state of flux right now. straddling
life and death. i was talking to Her last night, and something occurred to me
that i sort of need to think about some more...here's the thought:
"we aren't who we were and we're not who we will be...we are only who we are at
this exact moment. so embrace that person, cause you're never going to be her
again."
February 07, 2003 030207_55.
the acceptance of tears it's pretty strange to see your parents cry.
the first time you see your dad cry...it freaks you out completely, ya know,
cause, presumably, it's not something you see that often. it generally means
some really bad shit is going down..."oh my God, what's the matter? why are you
crying??? i didn't even know you were capable of producing tears....shit..what
do i do!"
i remember that moment. it was when my dad's dad died. scared the living shit
out of me....i was about 10 i think...
and then, as you grow up, and it becomes not so strange, still strange, but
somehow acceptable on some level.
so, at what point do you have that shift...that it's not weird to see your dad
cry? for me, i think it was after my brother died...which was 13 years ago, but
seems like yesterday. Kevin killed himself...he was 17, about 1 month from his
18th birthday...i was 21 at the time. my dad cried, my mom cried....we all cried,
for a long time...sometimes, we all still do.
i don't know how it makes me feel to see my dad cry...kinda sad, a little bit
small...but it doesn't scare me like it used to. i don't kwow if that's
disturbing or not...i sort of think that it is in a way. maybe we're not
supposed to ever have that shift, where it becomes not so strange....but then
again, seeing him cry does make me feel closer to him. makes him more mortal...even
when i need him to be a super hero.
it makes me grateful to have him. and scared of losing him (which i know i will
some day).
sometimes, life is just too fucking real.
and on a lighter note...
completely fucked!
what fucked version of hello kittie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
February 10,
2003 030210_97.
and so it goes not much to report...feeling very scattered
after the funeral and sitting shiva all weekend. the thing about sitting shiva,
is that you're just supposed to sit there...and people come over and bring food....and
the rabbi comes, and there's a short service...and then you just sit around and
talk (you're supposed to keep your stories and conversations about the dearly
departed...but you get a bunch of jews in a room, and there is no way to control
their conversation).
i'm shiva'd out, if you want to know the truth...and yet, i find myself at work,
unable to concentrate, and not wanting to be here. i feel like quitting..but
that's not feasible (or smart) so i'm trying to make myself be ok in my skin...which
is no easy task let me tell you. fortunately, it's monday, and i get to leave
here at 2:30 to go to school.
unfortunately, i have a paper due today that i only half-assed wrote...and it
pretty much sucks...and i'm embarassed to turn it in...
sometimes i wish i could just crawl inside myself and disappear...but then i
think, who would take care of the animals....
February 11, 2003 030211_79.
to those that i love, yes...you... feeling a
little better today...it's raining...the rain has a way of washing things away...making
me feel clean and new again.
i am so blessed to have good people in my life! even people i don't see, but
talk to on a regular basis. one such person is my friend ainslee's mom she has a
beautiful daughter and writes about her....her innocence, her childhood. it
makes me think about how when we are children, we are so open to things. we are
so free to think freely about ourselves and the world...and then, we grow up,
and layers of crap build up and we somehow lose that innocence. we were chatting
about it this morning....and my first reaction is "wait, no, there's got to be
a way that we can keep some of that innocence"...but really, there's not. we
grow up, we learn about how life is...and how people are...and i guess the only
decisions we have control over is how we behave in the world and how we treat
other people.
which brings me to school...social work school. the whole focus now of social
work is not on empathy (because we really cannot "know" what another person is
feeling, but on ethnographic social work and cultural competence...learning
about a persons experience throught their cultural lens and in their language...validating
that they are the expert on their life's experiences and that my interpretation
of them isn't right or better....ya know, we as humans make things so
complicated...i mean, it's true, there is no way that we are "all the same"...we
of different races, and cultures, and genders...we all have vast differences
that we could not ever expect others to fully understand...but we're all here
together and we have to find a way to treat each other with respect and kindness...and
i'm really not sure how i got on this tangent...
so, i'll stop, get off my soap box. give a shout out to all of my friends, the
good people in my life whom i truly love and couldn't live without...and thank
them for the gift of their friendship. i hope you know who you are!
February 13, 2003 030213_28.
10 minutes till showtime ok, so nothing
newsworthy...just thought i'd check in...feeling better...it's weird, when
someone dies, you go through this horrible moment, when they die...and you are
so sad and it's overwhelming...
and then you fall back into your routine and you sort of forget about your
incredible sadness...and then all of a sudden, you remember and you feel the
loss and miss the person so much...
that's sort of where i'm at right now. i woke up this morning and i was thinking
about nothing in particular, and then ronald jumped into my head...for no
apparent reason, and i missed him...and i thought about ellen, and ali, and josh
and gabe and how they must be feeling this loss...and i felt helpless...and then
i made the coffee and went to work.
life's weird that way.
there was a broadway musical from 1961 called stop the world, i want to get off...my
parents had the album, and on the cover was a caricature of a mime or clown,
running on a spinning globe....i used to look at that record a lot. i never
listened to it, or saw the show...but i used to look at the album cover. it made
me think that it might actually be possible to do this....to stop the world and
get off...until i got a little older and realized that it wasn't possible, not
possible at all...
but sometimes that's what i feel like. like i want to stop my life, step out for
a smoke break or something...take a little sabbatical, go on hiatus...or maybe
just press pause. i've tried this with no success...usually what happens is i
wind up depressed and alone and on the verge of needing serious mental
healthcare. aside from the fact that when you just sit in your house, no one
pays your bills or rent and eventually you run out of food...
so i'm faced with being an adult and being responsible. taking charge of my life
(as my dad likes to say) and pushing on.
but God what i wouldn't give for just a 15 minute intermission!
February 14, 2003 030214_5.
m.o.t. i'm a member of the tribe...i really
value that. i don't know what made me think of that....except for the fact that
i was reading ainslee's mom today and she's going through some big time
struggles with her life, and grappling with where she belongs and who she
belongs to and etc...and all these thoughts came rushing into my head.
i'm very fortunate, my mom and dad were very accepting at the time of my "coming
out" and still are. they don't pull any punches and there's no double talk...although,
my mother likes to insinuate that she thinks i must be bisexual...but that's
just her way of dealing with things. i am very lucky to have the unconditional
support and love of my family. i don't know what i would do if i didn't.
however
knowing that i am a member of a family (not my family of origin, but my family
of choice) of people who are like me in many ways and have the same struggles as
i do is somewhat comforting. i know that there are other womyn and men out there
who are gays and lesbians and who would welcome me into their family circle with
open arms...i'm not alone.
i wish that i could take away my friends sadness and sense of loss....i wish
that i could pick up all the little pieces for her and put them back together,
but i recognize that she has to have everything fall completely to pieces before
it can all be put back together properly...she has to stretch and be a little
bit uncomfortable in the not-knowing in order to come to a greater understanding
of herself. and when she is able to let things become what they are supposed to
be, without anxiety and fear, then she will realize that this was a process that
she had to go through in order to become a better person and in order to grow. i
love her...i want her to be happy....and i recognize myself in her struggle.
it's a struggle that i am also going through in many ways...
now, if i could only take my own advice, i think i'd feel much more relaxed
about things!
February 16, 2003 030216_59.
que sera, sera....whatever will be, will be... feeling lonely....feeling bored....feeling
irresponsible...
i know that i should be studying, i know that i should be writing my paper
instead of writing a diary entry and playing bejeweled while listining to king
of the hill in the other room....and i'm not sure why it is so easy for me to
write this entry rather than writing a paper on psychopathology through the
cultural lens. i mean, i should just do my reading and write my paper. i had
this little whim this morning that i would write this paper, and it would be
well researched and well written and would be heralded by my professor as a fine
piece of work...but i read back what i've written, and for the most part, it's a
load of crap. gramatically correct, well punctuated crap. thank you very much.
and i'm sitting her (see above for ambient conditions) thinking that i should
pick up the phone and call her, or my mom....to express my loneliness and
boredom. and then i think about the words of alix olson that i've been listening
to all day and how i should take pride in my strenght and be a powerful womon of
my own creation, and i don't have to feel lonely just because i'm alone...and it's
up to me to create my own destiny...that i don't have to rely on the prescribed
patriarchal norms and i don't have to buy into any of that shit that they are
trying to sell me on t.v. and that i don't have to be anyone but who i am, and
that is good enough, and pretty enough, and shapely enough, and sexy enough...and
i don't need someone else to validate me.
so here i am, back in my own skin...wondering what, exactly, it is i should be
doing within this state of empowerment and amazon warrior-ship...and i think,
hmm....well, the laundry's not dry yet...and i should write this paper...and i
should make my lunch for work tomorrow and get the coffee pot ready...and i
should do something about this horrible stench coming from God knows where but
MUST be cat in origin....there's something so grounding and humbling about just
being me...no one special, and yet everyone special...i am my everyone and my
everything, i have to be, cause otherwise, the loneliness creeps back in.
i have to clear my mind of the thoughts of "will i ever be found attractive by
anyone", "will anyone ever want to be with me", "will i ever meet someone
who really rings my bell"...i have to be that person to myself. i have to ring
my own bell...i have to have the hots for myself, cause that's all i have in
this world...and hopefully, when i feel that way about myself, maybe then i'll
find someone to share that person with. but that sort of defeats the purpose,
doesn't it??
February 18, 2003 030218_64.
will
the real slim shady please stand up ok, i'm a big dork....that's not really
disputed...however, i've had it confirmed definitively yet again.
the setting: a crowded classroom at csulb
the players: me and my favorite professor
the backdrop: a class full of students just coming back from a break
Me: "uh, can i ask you another question?"
Prof: "another question? i suppose so"
Me: "yes, yet another interruption..."
Prof: "go ahead"
Me: "no, over here" (closer to the podium, away from the students) "cause i'm
shy"
Prof: "ok" (looks at me sideways)
Me: "uh, i don't know how to say this..." (pause...stutter...gasp...pause)
Prof: "just say it"
Me: "ok, will you mentor me...i mean, more...i mean, will you be my mentor" (pronounced
like mendor...cause i'm nervous and can't get my words out properly)
Prof: "sure, i could be your mentor" (pronounced properly, menTor)
Me: "i mean, cause, like, i know you are extremely busy and really have time to
mentor one more person in your life...but i mean, i could just follow you around
and learn from you...cause like, what you've done, all the pioneering work you've
done with GLBTQ youth...it's like, i want to be you...." (foot in mouth? i like
to think not)
Prof: "good, i need a replacement"
Me: "well, i mean, i don't want to be you, but i want to do what you do...i
mean, i'm not trying to blow smoke but....(nervous twitter...backing away)..."ok,
well, thanks..." (the whole class is watching)
Prof: "ok, good, we'll talk later"
Me: "uh, yes, uh yeah..ok..thanks...."
February 20, 2003 030220_29.
hurling through space so, i talked to her
yesterday for a sec..she says she has some news for me...some kind of spiritual
epiphany, she'll tell me all about it tonight when she picks up buddy...which is
great. i'm happy for her. actually, i'm completely jealous if you want to know
the truth. i feel like i've been struggling for that spiritual epiphany for so
long....trying to be a good person, trying to "get right with the universe",
trying to be open to change and to whatever it is that is supposed to be
happening in my life. and yet i feel empty and black inside...like a gigantic
piece of coal flinging through space amongst all the other celestial beings of
light...destined not to "get it"...
sometimes i think i'm broken...or defective...she says i'm just blocked, but how
does a person get un-blocked?
this all goes back to my feelins of being ingenuine or fraudulent...not
authentic...which, if i had to be completely honest with myself, is my biggest
"problem"...it's hard to like yourself when you think you aren't real...it's
also hard to explain, so i won't try. suffice it to say that everything goes
right to my heart which means it all winds up on my sleeve...i think i take
everything too personally.
sometimes, i've tried to meditate...to sit silently and just feel...i usually
wind up feeling absolutely nothing....or a deep sadness, or a scared feeling...and
i don't know what i'm supposed to do with that.
she says, just ask...that we have spirits all around us, guides so to speak, and
that i should just ask, in my head for their help. i spent most of the day
yesterday asking my grandma to help me...telling her that i need her and to
please help me...i don't know what she can do for me. and i don't know how i'm
supposed to be able to tell if she's actually helping me or not...and for that
matter, why should she help me? i mean, i'm sure she has better things to do
with her time, right? maybe it's that i don't feel worthy of being loved? maybe...
all i know is that my whole life, growing up, i've always had the feeling inside
that i was special...important...and now i don't have the foggiest idea where
that thought came from, cause i feel so much less than special and important...
i just hope and pray that i'm wrong...or blocked...or deluded or whatever, cause
if "this" is "it"...then i'm not sure exactly what the whole point is.
February 20, 2003 030220_37.
poetry wannabe 101 Spiritually vacuous
Uncomfortably empty inside my skin. A shell of my former self without actually
knowing who that self was.
Endless struggle, I must not be doing this right.
Constantly in thought, and yet thinking of nothing, I wear my heart on my sleeve,
but my sleeve is covered in darkness.
To be or not to be, it is what it is, I am joyously becoming - becoming what?
They say genius is next to madness, but what is madness next to?
February 21, 2003 030221_25.
a
small movement forward and 3 giant steps back so, she said something to me last
night that has sort of stuck with me...and not in a good way.
she said that she always felt like she was in my shadow...like everywhere we
went, it was the chnacat show...and that she just faded into the background.
if my personality is so big and i overshadow the people that i'm with, how can i
ever hope to find anyone who is my equal, who can hold their own in my presence...i
don't try to be bigger than life...i actually try to be a non entity..but i
guess it's my nature to grab attention...i can't help it and i'm not sure that i
want to change who i am just so i don't take up as much space or intimidate
anyone or make anyone feel like they are in my shadow. which is not my intention
at all...but it is what it is.
and that, in and of itself, is a weird concept for me, cause i always feel
inferior to the people i'm around...not worthy, less than...maybe i'm over
compensating because of that fact...who knows.
i get it that we are over. and when we were talking last night, i said something
that rang very true...something i don't think i'm ready to acknowledge yet, but
it's coming....
i said, "what if i completely let go of you and then you are gone"...which i
think means, "what if i completely let go of you and then i don't want you
anymore"...which, intellectually, i think, what would be so bad about that...i
mean, if i didn't want her anymore, then i wouldn't want her anymore, no more
pain, no more fuss, no more muss....but for some reason, i'm afraid of that.
i think that i need her in my life...and i think that i want her to be my
partner and my love and my everything...but then when she treats me like "just
another person" i get hurt and i think, why am i trying so hard to want her to
come back to me when she doesn't really think i'm that special anyway? i mean,
don't i want to be special to someone? don't i want to be with someone who WANTS
to be with me as much as i want to be with them? i think that i should...i mean,
shouldn't i??
February 23, 2003 030223_95.
tongue in cheek...or is it?? ya know those cute clever license plate frames that
you see...usually around cute little vanity plates...you know the ones, blonde's
have more fun, the person with the most toys wins, i'd rather go topless (usually
on a convertable), and if you read this, flip me over (usually on a jeep)...
well, i was driving home from the supermarket this evening...listening to
melissa ferrick, thinking about how maybe my true love is out there somewhere
and wondering where i'll meet her....and i pull up behind this cute little
volkswagen cabriolet...it was white and cute and oh so ever so....cute...
anyway, the license plate frame said, "i'd rather be eating"...which struck me
as kind of silly and cute (at first) and then i realized that i'm living in the
anorexia capital of california (possibly the world) and all of a sudden it took
on a sick and ugly meaning...i mean, this girl probably had not eaten for days...and
she probably threw up her last meal anyway...so no wonder she'd rather be eating...
and then it just wasn't so cute anymore...
February 25, 2003 030225_23.
aha....i think i've figured it out my life in
song...
ok, so i've always had a talent, a gift...i can sing (pretty decently) and i've
struggled with what to do with this gift for a long time. i used to perform, be
in plays and musicals and shows....i used to, but i don't anymore. and i've
played with the idea of songwriting and playing my guitar at a coffee house or
an open mike somewhere, but then there is the problem that i don't really play
guitar, i just know a couple of chords, and i don't have any songs to sing. and
i've tried singing other people's songs, but it's hard to get passionate about
someone else's words...
so, this morning, in the kitchen, i just started singing my thoughts...and i
think i'm on to something...i mean, a song sort of started writing itself, in a
way....and so i think that's the ticket...and once i get the words down on paper,
then i'll figure out a melody...and then i'll figure out how to play it on my
guitar...and then we'll see what happens.
the thing i did notice though was that it fills the empty space inside me, when
i sing. it makes that dark empty place sort of seem not so dark and not so empty.
i may have stumbled on what is missing in me...but i'm not sure...i'll have to
get back to you on that one....but when i do, i'll do it singing.
February 25, 2003 030225_84.
strange madness i have a weird thing that
happens to me...i'll call it "strange jealousy"
first i must say that i'm not really looking for my next girlfriend...and i'm
not on some kind of quest for my next partner...i'm here...i'm queer....i'm sort
of dating, although i'm not really sure if it could be construed as "dating"
per se, cause i don't think that anyone is interested in me in "that way"....but
i've gone out a couple of times with one person and a couple of times with
another.
one of them is definitely just friend material...i mean, that's the vibe i get
from her anyway...she's from maine, she's a film writer (or rather, a graduate
student in the writing program at ucla)...i like her, she's fun and nice and has
a good sense of humor...and she's easy on the eyes...but i just get the feeling
from her that she's not interested...which is fine...cause she's a nice friend...
then there's the other one...she's downright gorgeous and fun and funny and all
of those things...but i don't think she's really interested in me "in that way".
but we have gone out a couple of times, and we have fun...
so what is my problem you ask? well, it's this...i get this strange jealousy...like,
i know these girls aren't into me like that....they don't want to date me or
kiss me or anything like that...and i'm not sure how i feel about being dated or
kissed or wanted right now anyway...but when they don't call, or email (my
preferred method of communication), i get jealous...
which, is of course, patently ridiculous, because no one has ever expressed a
desire to be with me and no one has every told me that i'm their one and only
and no one has ever told me that they want to see more of me or take it to the
next level or any of that.....but i get this weird jealousy feeling inside...like,
"hey, why don't you want me" even though i'm not so sure i want to be wanted
in the first place.
ok, so that's my weird thing...anyone who might have any insight on this, please
comment...or at least reassure me and tell me that i'm not some kind of gigantic
egomaniacal freak of nature....
February 26, 2003 030226_22.
mark me up uh yeah..nothing much to say...but i
feel compelled to update on a regular basis....
i think i'm getting a new tattoo...actually, i've made the appointment, i just
have to figure out for sure what i want and where i want it.
i know what i want.... i want the letters iiwii on my left arm, either just
below the ditch or on the inside of my upper arm...(the ditch is where your arm
bends on the inside...the opposite of your elbow)
and i also need to decide if i want the kanji symbol for celebrate right below
the iiwii, which, incidently stands for it is what it is...my own personal motto...my
mantra...words to live by....it keeps me sane...
these are the tough decisions that plague me...
all in all, life is good.
February 27, 2003 030227_24.
grand
epiphany i think i've figured it out...i don't know if i should share this here...cause,
ya know, knowledge is power...but here goes anyway.
i know why people in southern california drive so badly when it's raining!
it's not that lame excuse that they don't get any practice, cause after it's
been raining for a week...that excuse don't hold water (so to speak...and pun
intended)
it's that people here in southern california have such a gigantic sense of self
entitlement, they think that when it rains, it gives them license to do whatever
the fuck they want to do...so they just drive wherever they damn well please.
and condolences to the family of mr. rogers, may he rest in peace.
March 03, 2003 030303_13.
spooky? or just plain hocus pocus? it is what it
is...of course, if you've been reading, you know that's my motto..my mantra...blah
blah blah...
i went to a medium this weekend...a man that i truly believe can speak to/hear/communicate
with people who have passed on. i've had more than enough proof that he is for
real and can really do what he says he can do...i've heard him tell me about
things that he could not possibly know about people who have died. specific
things that only the people who have died would know.
it was a group session...a spirit circle...a bunch of people i've never met
before...lots of people came for them, dead relatives, old friends...i went with
her and her dad came, and her grandmother...and the whole time i'm sitting there
hoping that my grandma comes (cause i invited her) and secretly hoping that my
brother shows up...but not expecting him to...
and the session is over, it's time to go, lets say the closing meditation...but
way, lisa, he stares at me, "i'd like you to stay after, cause there is someone
here but i think it'd be better to talk to you about it in private"...ok...sure...whatever...i'm
thinkin...who the hell could it be?
he tells me after everyone leaves that there is a woman behind me (behind you
means either friend, or sibling, to the left means mother's side, to the right
means father's side) she's in her mid twenties or early thirties...he asks me if
i lost a girlfriend to a tragic death....
"no"
hmm....he doesn't know who it is...and i ask him "are you sure it's a girl?"
and he says no, it could be a male person with strong female energy...and
somehow, i twist the facts and manipulate the session and it's got to be my
brother...and he says that kevin is sorry and that he didn't mean to hurt me...and
he asks me...."who is michael"...and i tell him that's my brothers middle name....but
was it really kevin? i mean, there are so many other validations that kevin
could have/would have given me....i'm not convinced it was him. i'm not
convinced but i want to believe it. and he says that it could have been
prevented...and that if he would have been in therapy or had some kind of help,
he might still be here right now, which flies in the face of everything i've
believed about my brothers suicide since it happened (that it was unavoidable,
that he would have found a way to kill himself with or without intervention)...
could it have been kevin? maybe...do i feel any healing about it? i'm not sure...do
i believe that someone was there in spirit....yes i do...but i'm not sure who it
was or how to feel about it...
and i was supposed to go over to my parents house for dinner last night...and i
completely forgot and wound up blowing them off...and my mom was trying to call
me all day and couldn't find me..and i feel like a shmuck for making her worry
so much...but she forgave me, so it's all good...but sometimes i feel like i'm
wearing my insides on the outside...ya know what i mean?
suffice it to say that it was an emotional weekend...
March 05, 2003 030305_19.
the whirlwind of my life dear diary, yesterday i
cleaned my house.
ok, it goes way beyond that. i had been basically living in filth. my floors
were gross....the walls had doggie smudges on them...there was about 6 feet of
dust on everything....
not to mention the fact that i have a powerpoint presentation due in one of my
classes and a paper that's due on monday and a 20 page paper that'll be due
before i know it and my final (which is a take home final, and i'm getting it
next week...even though it's not due till the end of the semester...which is
rapidly approaching....aaaaaahhhhhhhh!
ok, so back to the story...it's yesterday at 11:30...i'm sitting at work with
basically nothing of any great relevance to do...and all of a sudden, i am
consumed by all the things i have to do for school and the fact that i've been
living like a disgusting pig...i go up to my boss, mildly agitated...and say "i
have to go"....she looks at me...."you have to go?" she says...."yes, i have
to go, right now. i can't explain it, i'm just under a lot of stress and there
is a lot of stuff i need to get done...so i have to go." so, grudgingly...she
lets me go...
on the way home, i go to target to get some cleaning supplies and a new mop...i
get there...and realize that i don't have my atm card...so i drive home and dump
my bag from work inside...look for my atm card, realize that it was in the car
the whole time...drive back to target...on the way, realize that i had my
checkbook with me when i came the first time...hit myself in the forehead...run
in, buy stuff (spend too much) go home start cleaning...moping the floor with
the new mop...the mop head (one of those groovy spongy deals with a scrubby side
and a soft side) completely falls apart...end of mopping...
i spend the rest of the day alternating between cleaning my house and working on
my project...in the midst of all of this...my stereo dies...and i have to go to
best buy to replace it...cause i cannot and will not live without music...so at
one point in the evening, i have to completely take apart the stereo and dissect
it so that i can remove the three cd's that are stuck inside it...after
rendering the stereo harmless...i take it ouside and dump it in the trash can.
so now, my house is clean...i have a groovy new stereo...my project is 3/4 of
the way done...i have to finish it tonight...i still have to write my 2 page
paper for monday and start my 20 page paper...i still need to get my taxes done
(i'm gonna hafta pay about 2 grand)...but i can't think about it, cause i'll
have another anxiety attack and have to go home again....
12:09 pm March 05, 2003 030305_17.
some stuff bout me... INFO...
x. name = so many names.....so many
x. birthday = august 27th
x. piercing = Ears & tongue
x. tattoos = so far...8 of em
x. height = 5'5”
x. shoe size = 9.5
x. hair color = dark brown
x. length = about 1/4 inch.
x. siblings = 1 brother (deceased)
x. pets = 2 dogs & 3 cats.
LAST...
x. movie you rented = didn't
x. movie you bought = Fight Club
x. song you listened to = Dixie Chicks Home Album
x. song that was stuck in your head = Everything I Need by Melissa Ferrick
x. song you've downloaded = slave by Phish
x. cd you bought = Just bought 3 Melissa Ferrick cd's.
x. cd you listened to = Home, by the Dixie Chicks
x. person you've called = my mom
x. person that's called you = some girl from my human behavior class
x. tv show you've watched = 3rd Watch
x. person you were thinking of = i think she knows...
DO...
x. you have a bf or gf = Nope -
x. you have a crush on someone = well yes, matter of fact, i do...
x. you wish you could live somewhere else = san francisco.
x. you think about suicide = not recently
x. others find you attractive = i'm gonna say, yeah...i hope so....but i'm not
sure
x. you want more piercings = posssibly
x. you want more tattoos = not right now, but i wouldn't count it out
x. you drink = nope
x. you do drugs = nope
x. people think that you're cool = excessively.
x. you like cleaning = NO
x. you like roller coasters = i used to...but now they make me sick
x. you write in cursive or print = print
x. you carry a donor card = yes
FOR OR AGAINST
x. long distance relationships = i don't really think they can work in the long
run
x. using someone = would never
x. suicide = sort of really against that
x. killing people = absolutely not
x. teenage smoking = any smoking...yuck
x. doing drugs = to each their own..but i wouldn't condone it...knowing what i
know about how it messed up my life
x. premarital sex = just be safe
x. driving drunk = no, not, never!
x. gay/lesbian relationships = abso-freakin-lutely
x. soap operas = no thanks....
FAVORITE...
x. food = sushi
x. song = yes
x. thing to do = hang out, listen to music, play with the dogs.
x. thing to talk about = the world, why are we here, the ethereal quality of
life, and the simpson's
x. sports = To watch, hockey. To play, vollyball
x. drinks = coffee, diet pepsi, and water, in that order
x. clothes = levi's and a T
x. movies = the princess bride
x. bands = indigo girls, melissa ferrick, grateful dead, and, uh...yeah...
x. holiday = xmas
x. cars = mini cooper...or anything by VW.
HAVE YOU...
x. ever cried over a girl or boy = yes i have, what of it?!
x. ever lied to someone = in my lifetime? yeah, but i really don't lie now...i'm
categorically opposed to it.
x. ever been in a fist fight = nope
x. ever been arrested = nope
WHAT...
x. shampoo do you use = Whatever is cheap & smells good.
x. perfume do you use = patchouli or nada.
x. shoes do you wear = my doc martens
x. are you scared of = Being alone in my life.
x. of times I have had my heart broken= seriously broken....really bad?? once.
x. of hearts I have broken= hopefully none...but maybe a couple
x. of boys I have kissed = a few
x. of girls I have kissed = a few
x. of continents I have lived in= 1
x. of drugs taken illegally = at one time??
x. of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends = 5
x. of people I consider my enemies = zip
x. of people from high school that I stayed in contact with = 4
x. of cd's that I own = tons.
x. of scars on my body = 1 (unintentional one)
x. of things in my past that I regret = hurting someone needlessly
March 06, 2003 030306_32.
uh, yeah....here we go too many things to be
nervous about at this point that i'm completely calm...although, i'm VERY dizzy....not
sure why. could have something to do with the fact that my right ear hurts a
little bit...or maybe my ear hurts because i'm dizzy...psychosomatic...ya know?
who knows...and really, who cares.
March 07, 2003 030307_24.
dorkus maximus ok...i am a gigantic dork. i know
we've established that, but here, my friends, is further indisputable proof.
ok, i went on a date last night...first a little background...this is not our
first date...she's beautiful...and despite my efforts at trying to be all cool
and not be into anyone...i really like her.
so, we went out for sushi after my job interview (more about that later) and
then we just hung out together...it was nice. and then...(here comes the part
where the dork in me is absolutely confirmed)...we're sitting on a bench in the
park....and she says that she'd like to kiss me...so instantly, my fingers get
all tingly...and i can't really hear cause there is this loud ringing in my ear....and
what do i do...i sit there with my hand over my mouth...too shy to move...
DUH!
thank God she has the bravery of many armies and says that it's gonna be really
hard to kiss me with my hand over my mouth...
so, i move my hand...and lean in...and whammmo! she is possibly the best kisser
i've ever kissed...which either means that i've kissed a million girls or that i
haven't kissed many at all...which, really, is neither here nor there....the
fact is that she has the sweetest kiss and the softest lips and the most
beautiful clear skin and pretty eyes and great hair...and she smells nice (except
for the metal bar stink on her hands - ok, that's an inside joke, sorry).
i was driving home....and i put a piece of gum in my mouth...so i wouldn't fall
asleep while i was driving...and the only thing i could think of was that i
never wanted anything else in my mouth but her mouth...does that sound weird...and
i could feel her lips on mine all the way home...
ok, so then, i'm thinking...(and here's another confirmation of dork-hood)...."i
wonder if she likes me?"...
oh, yeah..the job interview...well, it went GREAT! they want me!! the only
contingency now is whether or not i get accepted at sfsu...and like i've said
before, if it's meant to be, it'll be...
March 09, 2003 030309_97.
it's downright disgraceful ok, i am a horrible
mother...let me explain...
java is a min pin (that's miniature pischer in case you wondered)...and he barks...a
lot...at nothing in particular.
i knew this day was coming, and i've tried everything i can think of to either
prevent it or stave it off for awhile...but it happened...the neighbors
complained.
now, i would never consider getting rid of my boy java, or de-barking him... i've
tried the sonic deterrent (that's a loud piercing noise emitted when he barks)
that didn't work, he just thought someone was "singin' along"...i've tried the
citronella spray collar....it sprays a blast of citronella in his face whenever
he barks...this would have worked had his neck been larger than my wrist, which
would have allowed the citronella spray mechanism not to have kept falling off
the the side, obstructing the little part that "hears" the bark and emits the
spray....i've tried spraying water in his face when he barks...this works, but
only when i'm home to do it...
so i've had to resort to the dreaded shock collar. which is proving very
effective, he barks, gets a mild shock (and yes, i shocked myself with it first
to see how bad it was) and then he stops...so far, all's quiet in my back yard...neighbors
seem to be satisfied. however, java lets out a little bark, gets shocked, lets
out a little yelp, and then comes running to me for protection...could i feel
any sleazier? i'm not sure.
on a much (MUCH) happier and friendlier note, i got to spend some more time with
ggg (the pretty one who kisses nice) and i had a really fun time just talking
and hanging out and ya know...kissing...
March 11, 2003 030311_70.
tilt-a-whirl
i don't know what to say...i mean, i always have things to say...and i have tons
of stuff spinning around in my head right now, about all topics...but i can't
really get the words out.
i'm still waiting to find out about sfsu. i'm beginning to feel like my entire
existence is "on hold"...waiting for some arbitrary decision to come down from
on high. i know that's not really how it is...and i'm trying to be comfortable
in the ambiguity (after all, it is what it is...right?) but i'm also a "doer"
and it's hard for me to sit around and wait when there are things i could be
doing.
don't get me wrong, i'm probably one of the laziest people i know...my middle
name is procrastination...but i get to a point where enough is enough and i have
to "do" something...i'm just about there.
March 12, 2003 030312_26.
gimme a break! people are...for the most part....idiots.
i'm not talking about the few, the proud, the intelligent....
i'm not talking about the people who let a thought cross their mind before a
word crosses their lips....
i'm not talking about some of the extraordinary people i've me, both on line and
in person....
i'm talking about your average joe...or in this case josephine...
this woman im's me....she wants to know what my screen name means...
my screen name is lbkraft
i tell her, "it's my initials and my last name, lisa beth kraft"
i asked her what she thought it meant, and she said she'd been trying to figure
that out...
she says..."what's your middle name?"
i say, "scroll up"
seriously, i don't have time for people like this...
then she says, "i'm not like bugging you, am i?"
"yes" my head says, "no" my fingers type
i don't have the heart (or is it balls) to be downright rude...
she tells me i'm cute, wants to know where i live, i tell her "california" she
wants to know what part, i tell her "southern"...
i'm not feeding her info about me...she's already got my name.....what kind of
psycho is she?? or better yet, what kind of moron does she think i am?
fortunately, she lives in boise, idaho (or so she says)...so at least i know she
can't just swing by unannounced....
i really need to be more careful about who i give my screen name to!
March 13, 2003 030313_40.
wowza i got to spend some time with an amazing and
beautiful womyn last night...
i'm still pinching myself to make sure it's real!
March 14, 2003 030314_80.
wow...sometimes,
you don't know how good you've got it well, good morning. it's finally friday! i
am so releived! for some reason, this week has seemed very long...although, i
must say, the middle of the week was exceptionally great...but for some reason,
the rest of the week (thursday and today) have seemed to drag mercilessly...
i have an orientation to go to for my internship next semester....which is
problematic for several reasons.
the first being that i don't know if i'll even be there next year, or if i'll be
transferring to sfsu...and if i am transferring, i don't need to worry about it,
but if i'm not transferring and i don't go, i'll be in big time hot water next
semester when it's time to start my internship.
the second being that it's keeping me from going to san francisco for the
weekend to spend time with a particular girl who i particularly like.
i spose, that there will be plenty of time for fun trips and partys and
festivities...but i gotta say, i'd really like to be going!
at any rate, i'm not, and i'm here, and i have a 20 page paper that i need to (at
least) start on this weekend anyway, so, i'll make the best of it.
on a more serious note, my friend mulher has been having a rough time and i feel
really helpless to do anything for her...she's pretty independent and pretty
stubborn and pretty damn strong...but i just want to be able to make everything
alright for her. i know that i can't do that...but it's a crappy feeling knowing
that there's nothing i can do. and i know how she is hurting right now (having
been there myself not too long ago - well, actually it's been about a year, but
still).
so i guess i'll just keep sending up prayers for her...and prayers for another
friend who is in the hospital and has been battling some strange virus since she
gave birth a year ago...
which only reminds me of how lucky and blessed i am!
March 17, 2003 030317_94.
ceci n'est pas une entrÈe de journal intime happy
st. patrick's day. i completely forgot to wear green...which is interesting,
becuase i usually wear green...however, today, i am wearing none. so, of course,
i'm probably gonna get pinched. cest la vie.
so, ggg went to san francisco this weekend...and i found myself missing her.
which was kind of nice.
i also got to see drew barrymore this weekend at the la county museum of art....it
was pouring rain and i was standing in line with my friend...when these two
people come running up...the guy says, "hey, is it ok with you if we stand
under the awning, we're not taking cuts or anything" and my friend says "no"...she
was just kidding....and the girl who was with the guy was in the process of
pulling her parka over her head, and i noticed that she had tattoos on her back/hips
and i thought hmmm...another "hip LA chick"...and she turned around and said
"no, really, is it ok?" or something like that...and it was drew barrymore!!!
ok, so i was considerably star struck for the rest of the day...
until i saw the actual painting The Treachery of Images by Rene Magritte....(ya
know the one...ceci n'est pas une pipe.) which literally blew my mind! i LOVE
surrealist art!
they have a lot of really amazing art at LACMA...i definitely have to go back
there soon!
March 21, 2003 030321_96.
the dogs
of war we are at war...we are in the midst of shock and awe...and all i can do
is feel naseous....this whole thing makes me sick.
why do we have to do this? i don't get it...i mean, i just don't understand.
we SO have the capability to go in there and surgically remove sadaam...to
facilitate a regime change...why do we have to go in there and kill people?
innocent people.
and i am so against this war and i completely disagree with the president (who
is a prime goombah and gigantic idiot). he's a power monger and an ego-maniac.
everything about this war is wrong.
HOWEVER...
i have to say that i completely support our troops. those men and womyn who are
fighting for my freedom...and their families who are making an extreme sacrifice
to ensure the freedom of the american people. i appreciate them. i am grateful
that they have devoted their lives to service...it's honorable.
it's just unfortunate that their commander in chief is an absolute idiot.
so, i'm anti-war...and anti-president..which (if you listen to the media and the
conservative right) makes me anti-american...but i'm not anti-americans if that
makes any sense.
if america is george bush and george bush is america, then damn right i'm anti-american!
March 24, 2003 030324_55.
hmmm?
living in uncertainty...it's the story of my life.
will i be moving to san francisco?
will i be staying here?
will i be able to be more emotionally available to and invested in someone that
i'm really liking more and more every day?
will i ever stop getting zits?
will i have to keep this crappy (but well paying job)?
will i be able to sustain my existence on a social worker's salary and will i be
a competent social worker at all?
will my head ever stop spinning?
i can only just live in faith...and not in fear....i know that everything is
going to work out the way it's supposed to...
but this waiting around shit is killing me!
and on another note...
Awww, bless...
What's your inner (or possibly outer) peversion?
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March 24,
2003 030324_52.
flutterby didja ever have a time in your life when you didn't
know which way was up...and things kept happening that you didn't expect. every
day, you wake up, thinking you know who you are and you know where your going...and
by 4:00 that afternoon, you suddenly have no idea. all the things that you
thought were "for sure" are now "i dunno" and all the things that you
thought would never happen are now happening.
didja ever really wonder if you weren't just some character in someone's movie...not
the star, but one of the important extras...a little screen time, a little
dialog, but key to the story in some way.
didja ever feel like you were falling at a gazillion miles an hour, speeding
past everything you know and feel comfortable with, diving headfirst into the
unknown with no idea how your going to stop before your head smashes into the
pavement?
didja ever have that fear that everything you were doing was wrong...and it's
all just a big joke?
didja??
me either...just checking
March 25,
2003 030325_24.
yeah baby!
You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p
What kind of kiss are you?
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March 26, 2003 030326_87.
aaah, you
scared me! I am feeling pretty stinkin’ good this morning. Had a great night,
got to spend time with a great girl. Ate a yummy dinner - life is good -
Now, if I can hold on to that feeling for a little while, I’ll be fine. My
problem tends to be that I’m on this internal roller coaster of sorts - .one
minute, feeling really great, the next, worried about the future. Frankly, it’s
makin’ me nauseous.
Which is a strange thing, cause I used to really love roller coasters. Ya know
that feeling, when you stomach drops - the wind, the screams, the g’s, it used to
be such a rush, now it’s just nauseating - .maybe that’s sort of a metaphor for
life -
enjoy things now, cause later on, they’ll make you sick.
Or perhaps,
everything is fun the first few times you do it - but eventually, it’s gonna come
back to bite ya in the ass.
Hmmm - something to think about, either way.
And in another arena, I’m still waiting to hear from SFSU, and a friend of mine,
who is also waiting to hear from SFSU called them the other day to get a status
or update - .they told her that they had over 500 applications, and only 50 spots.
ONLY 50 SPOTS! Those are pretty crummy odds. Who am I kidding, those are
completely shitty odds - I’m fucked! Say it with me now - .
“I’m fucked” - good -
I hadn’t really considered that I might not get in - . I always sort of assumed
that I would get in - and then I’d just have to make the decision to go or not to
go - which scared me - but now I’m facing the fact that I might not even get in at
all - and therefore, I’m staying here - which also scares me. I’m either easily
scared, or just a freak of nature.
Or both.
March 28, 2003 030328_30.
holey
pete! i'm tormented. that's the only way i can describe it. completely tormented.
for months and months (ok, the past year) the only thing i've wanted is for her
to come back to me...for us to go back to the way we were. we were together for
5 years. i thought that she was IT...i thought that she was my life partner, the
womyn with whom i'd grow old and have babies (not in that order).
then, not too long ago, i met ggg. and i didn't think i was ready to be
emotionally available...cause she (see above) still has my heart...and i didn't
want to let myself like someone new. but i took a chance, cause i like ggg and i
like spending time with her and she's a hell of a lot of fun, not to mention
beautiful...so i thought, "well, she (see above) isn't coming back to me, she's
made that abundantly clear, i need to move on" and i think i started to move on...i'm
developing a real fondness and caring for ggg and i really like her and like
being around her. she's neat-o (for lack of a better term, and i'm sure there is
a better term, but right now i can't think of one).
ok, so great, moving on...here we go...but stupid me....who struggles with
everything and has to talk about her feelings, mentions to her (see above) that
i'm having a struggle letting her go and that i'm really starting to like this
other womyn...and not knowing what to do about it...and she (s.a) suggests (after
a long discussion over coffee at starbucks) that we go to therapy to try to work
things out. to try to get a handle on letting go and moving on and remaining
friends...
so, here i am...stuck in the middle...still not knowing what to do...but knowing
that i have feelings for ggg..and i really like her...and the last thing in the
world i want to do is hurt her in any way and i really like being with her and
she makes me smile...
i don't think that she (see above) wants me back...i don't think that we are
trying to "work things out" and therapy never hurt anyone...so i don't quite
know what i'm so freaked out about.
and thankfully, i'm able to be completely honest with ggg and talk about what's
going on (at the risk of her turning around and walking away and never wanting
to see me again). and by some strange miracle, she still wants to see me and
spend time with me...which makes me possibly the luckiest and most undeserving
person in the world...
i don't know what's going to happen. i don't know where i'm going to wind up,
where i'm going to live, who i'm going to grow old with...i know that everything
is going to work out the way it is supposed to....but shit man, can't i have it
easy, just once? can't i just enjoy life and the way things are going without
having a gigantic monkey wrench thrown at me.
March 30, 2003 030331_50.
i am one wild muther fuker!
Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a porno
anytime soon. You seem to be really into the
whole "love" thing...romantic sex
with perfumed sheets and candles all over the
place. You're probably a hopeless romantic. You
value sex and respect your partner too much to
do anything like porn. AWWWWWW! <3
What kind of porno would you star in?
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March 31, 2003 030331_57.
whoosh ya
know that feeling, when you are starting to get attached to someone...when you
really like them, and start wondering, what are they doing? why haven't you
heard from them? stuff like that...and it makes you kinda nervous on the inside,
like, "oh my gosh, what if they changed their mind about me" or something like
that...
that moment when you are thinking about them, and you don't realize that you are
thinking about them...then you realize you were thinking about them...
ya know? that....
April 02, 2003 030402_47.
something for nothing nothing much to say...nothing much to do...it's hump day.
a term that i usually don't use, however, for some reason, today it seems
appropriate.
i feel like i have so much stuff to do, but for some reason, i'm not doing it. i
have a final to write and a paper to write...i had really better get my shit
together and finish those up...
i'm also still feeling SO in limbo about whether or not i'm moving....i mean, i
know that i'll know when i know...and i know that when i know is when i'm
supposed to know...but geez-o-peet man, when am i gonna know?
other than that...things are swell...i guess...movin right along...
phew, i need a vacation from my life...i think that would do very nicely.
April 03, 2003 030403_65.
nice...really
nice
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April 05, 2003 030405_67.
i'm an
ass i don't know if i'm making the biggest mistake of my life or the right
decision. i don't know if i'm losing the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
i don't know if moving towards or moving away from...i just know that i've hurt
someone and that rips me up inside...and to make things worse, i've hurt someone
that i care for. i know that i can't be there for her...i know that i can't be
fully present while i traipse through my own wreckage.
someone tell me about how you are supposed to be cruel to be kind...let her go
so that i don't hurt her any more because of my own ineptitude and my own
ability to pull my head out of my ass...
i'm not sure if i'm making the right decision....but i know that i can't drag
her through this indecision with me, when she is so terrific and amazing....i
can't hog her all for myself unless i fully intend to commit to her completely
and give her my heart, which i know i can't do right now. she doesn't deserve
any less than my full attention and she doesn't deserve 1/2 of a person...i don't
even know if i can give her 1/2 of myself at this point.
i'm hating myself right now...for what it's worth...but i can't lead her on if i
don't even know what my own intentions are....
i know that i care for her very much...i know that i hurt her and i know that i'm
hurting too....but i know that i have to walk through this process on my own....to
whatever end...
April 08, 2003 030408_58.
would you like fries with that? well, here i am at work...i cannot tell you how
much i dread going to work or how boring this job is.
at school last night, we were talking about careers and the different stages
that a person goes through in their life...trying out different jobs and finally
settling on a career choice.
for me, it's been a long series of job after job, trying to figure out what i
want to be when i grow up....in college, first i was a music major with an
emphasis in vocal performance...then i switched to fine art/painting, then i
switched to liberal studies (cause that's the only major i had enough compatible
credits in to graduate in a timely manner)....then i graduated, and worked on
the movie honey i blew up the kid, as the legal guardian for the twins that
played the "kid" on the set (which is basically, just a glorified nanny, but
on a movie set), then i worked with autistic kids doing therapy, then i taught
special education for three years, then i worked for a manufacturing company,
then a software company doing licensing and compliance, then a telemarketing
place, doing office management....i've worked retail at a toy store, a clothing
store, a frozen yogurt store, a health food market in the deli, i'm currently
doing technical support for another software company...i went to law school for
a year (on scholarship no less), then i dropped out and now i'm getting my
masters in social work...
what if this isn't the right choice either, what if i'm destined to hop from job
to job and never have a career...i mean, i love school...i love studying social
work...but what if i don't love being a social worker...or what if i suck at it?
i mean, i guess i can always fall back on selling vegan potato salad, right?
April 10, 2003 030410_38.
hold on tight kids.... well, it's thursday....this
week has been dragging....DRAGGING I SAY!
so, things are ok i spose....not great, not horrible but ok, which is better
than a sharp stick in they eye, no?
i'm sort of jonesing for a trip to vegas...not that i have any money. but on
that same note, i'm also jonesing for a new tattoo and a new hole in my ear. i've
been toying with the idea of taking out all the earrings in my left ear and just
piercing the inner conch...but i'm not sure what i'm going to do as that idea
changes every 15 minutes or so...
but indecision seems to be my thing of late...ah, such is life i guess
April 14, 2003 030414_94.
and the winner is... things are good....life is
strange....got another hole poked in my ear...looking forward to michigan...working
on my paper for school...it's a pain in the ass, but it's getting done, slowly
but surely. actually, i should have done more work on it this weekend, but i
wound up sleeping most of the weekend away.
i was thinking, if there was some way of getting paid for sleeping...maybe if
you could sleep for someone else, and they'd pay you...i'd be a gazillionaire!...but
we know that life doesn't work that way and things don't come that easily to me.
God knows, i do everything the hard way.
still waiting to hear from sfsu...i asked the magic 8 ball last night if i was
going to get in...it said, "better not tell you now"...crappy magic 8 ball...
April 16, 2003 030416_27.
it's all
just a little too much right now
Diagnostic criteria for 300.7 Body Dysmorphic Disorder
A. Preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance. If a slight physical
anomaly is present, the person's concern is markedly excessive.
B. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in
social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
C. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g.,
dissatisfaction with body shape and size in Anorexia Nervosa).
i am so fat right now. i know that it's all in my head, but i get on the scale,
and it tells me a number, and that number is 5-7 pounds heavier than i've been
in a long time, and i freak out...of course, my pants still fit...but i can feel
them getting tighter by the second. and i know why the scale is up...it's
because i ate that stupid low carb sugar free chocolate bar (actually, two of
them)...and they are loaded with fat and of course the scale is up....consequences
of my actions...i knew that would happen and i chose to eat the chocolate anyway.
but now i'm miserable, and F-A-T. so, what am i going to do about it? well, i'll
do a couple of protein days and pray to Jesus that works...if not, well, i'll
deal with it when i get there.
MY GOD what a fucked up mind. how is it that i have survived this far i wonder...
April 21, 2003 030421_18.
time will
tell i am still waiting to hear from sfsu...it's taking freaking forever.
i have gone through about 100 iterations of waffling back and forth about
whether or not i even want to go. i mean, of course i want to go...but moving is
so stressful.
and we've been doing therapy...it's going ok, but i'm not sure that we are any
closer to resolving our issues...some days it seems great, we're on the road to
wholeness...and it looks like we might actually get back together and all is
well and sunshiney...and other days, i'm not sure that she isn't just falling
back on what is safe and that maybe we would be better off just being best
friends...
admittedly, those days are few, but still, it makes one wonder.
and then there is the issue of school...as previously mentioned.
i've been spending probably 99% of my time studying and writing papers...all the
time wondering where i'll be next fall and yet still progressing forward as
though nothing is going to change.
it's frustrating...and scary at the same time.
and last but not least, there is the issue of ggg....well, it's not an issue per
se...it's just a little nagging voice in the back of my head. the fact is, i
miss her. i really like her (and i COMPLETELY fucked that up). i think about her
often and fondly and hope that she is doing well...i wonder what she's up to...i
go online and look at her picture and read her online diary...not like a stalker
mind you, but ya know, just to sort of keep up with what's going on in her life.
is that pathetic? am i pathetic? i guess...we'll never know.
April 22, 2003 030422_39.
yeah,
that's me alright
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April 23,
2003 030423_38.
...the future's not ours to see... here's what i know....
i know that i want to be really wanted/desired by someone else, not just "settled
for".
i know that i would rather be alone than have an empty relationship
i know that good friends are hard to find and that when you have them, you
should hold them tightly (but don't squish them)
i know that the baby elephant walk makes a nice ring for your cell phone
i know that doing work in a job you hate is time limited and not healthy
i know that i am strong and capable
i know that i want a new tattoo
i know that i'm willing to live life as it comes and take whatever is meant to
be, but sometimes, i wish i knew what that was...
i know that i'm impatient
here's what i don't know...
i don't know where i'll be living next year.
i don't know where i'll be going to school
i don't know what the future holds
i don't know who i'll spend the rest of my life with
i don't know if i'll make a decent social worker
here's what i'm not sure of...
i'm not sure if i'm worthy of being loved or truly desired
i'm not sure if it (the above) will ever happen
i'm not sure if i'll ever learn how to stop my head from spinning
April 24, 2003 030424_71.
grrrrrr, i'm a monster
Name: chnacat jr.
Age: ageless
Favorite Food: peanut butter
Favorite Hobby: self deprication
adopt your very own monster today!
and on another note...something that was signed in my guest book that i want to
address...
--------------------------------
"i know that i want to be really wanted/desired by someone else, not just "settled
for"."
But weren't you on your way to finding that and then gave it up?
from XXXXX
[email] [homepage]
0:49 am - Thursday,April 24, 2003
--------------------------------
yes, yes i was...and being unable to access my heart at the time...i don't think
i realized how much i cared for that person or what i was giving up when i gave
it up....which apparently, is my lesson to learn and my burden to bear...
April 25, 2003 030425_77.
ok, i
know...i'm a big wind bag do you ever feel compelled by something, you're not
sure what it is...but you know that you have to do it, or accomplish it, or
experience it?
or is it just me?
i was talking to my friend ainsleesmom yesterday about what i wrote in my diary
the day before yesterday...about a response to what was written in my guestbook
the day before the day before yesterday...
she said that i might be sending the wrong message...by saying what i said.
i said that i didn't think i was sending the wrong message, i was saying exactly
how i felt. which brings me to the point. (you knew i'd get there eventually)
(the point, in it's most condensed form):
ok, my gf and i were together for 5 years. we had a great relationship...everything
was great. i felt very secure and loved...she left me. her dad died, she had
feelings for another womyn, and she left. i spent the better part of a year
wondering if i'd ever feel whole again. i still loved her, i was still in love
with her, she was my "it". about 2 months ago, i met a pretty amazing womyn.
she is beautiful and funny and engaging...all the things i'd look for in a
friend...and i was very attracted to her to boot. we started dating, taking
things really slowly. i was honest with her about my feelings, that i had no
access to my heart at that time, cause it "belonged" to someone else, my ex,
who i was still in love with...so, this new womyn, i knew that i wasn't "in
love" with her...but i liked her very much and was starting to grow very
attached to her.
and then...my ex suggested that we go to therapy together, to either work things
out or work things through...because we were each and both having trouble moving
forward...i was still in love with her...she had unresolved feelings about me (i
don't know if she was in love or what she felt, but i can't speak for her here
so i won't). this therapy was either going to bring us back together or help us
end things definitively. in my head, i figured that it would end things
definitively...but i wasn't sure what was going to happen. at any rate, i "broke
up" with the new womyn, cause i knew that she really liked me, and i really
liked her, and i didn't want to hurt her, or "cheat" on her, or deceive her in
any way, so i told her about the therapy...and then (after thinking about it for
a long and agonizing time) decided that it would probably be better for both of
us if i stopped seeing her.
so i'm doing the therapy thing...we are doing the therapy thing....and it's
really nice...really good.
we are getting to the bottom of some pretty important stuff....and it's nice. i
feel closer to my ex than i have in a long time. and at the same time, i more
scared than ever that she'll leave me again for that womyn who she left me for
in the first place...(a very manipulative and selfish womyn who for whatever
reason, has a great power over my ex...like a drug).
so here's the freaking point. i am definitely still in love with my ex...i'm not
sure where this therapy thing is going...it might bring us back together, and it
might just make us really strong friends...either way, it's important to me to
see it through.
but i'm also realizing that i had stronger feelings for the "new" womyn than i
ever thought i did...and maybe, i did have a little bit of access to my heart
after all.
so, where does that leave me? well, as i see it...i have to take those fond
feelings for the "new" womyn and treasure them for what they were. i feel sad
to have lost that budding relationship. i feel sad that she won't be "mine"
and i won't be "hers"...
but in essence, i made my bed, now i have to lay in it...
it's interesting...i see her posting online sometimes...and other people "flirting"
with her...and i get jealous. whoever she finally ends up with is going to be a
very lucky womyn indeed.
i can't see myself chucking my therapy and this journey i've embarked on with my
ex...and go groveling back to her...and i wouldn't expect her to even want to be
with me anyway. i know i can't have my cake and eat it too...nor do i want to...
and i am happy to be going through this process with my ex. i mean, i honestly
have no idea how things will end up. we are doing this without being attachted
to the final outcome...and it's nice, but there are parts of me that are scared
to trust her again...and parts of me that think it would have been much easier
to just blow off the whole thing and be with the new womyn...
which brings me to the being compelled thing...part of me feels like i HAVE to
see this through, the therapy i mean. and not cause it might bring us back
together or set me free...not for anyone or anything but me. because it's a part
of my process and a part of my journey and it's a part of me becoming who i am
supposed to be. whatever that means.
April 26, 2003 030426_52.
how apropos
Gay Bear
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Are you a clothing junky? You are, aren't you?
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April 28,
2003 030428_71.
this is dedicated to my friend i'm bored at work...and i
have this overwhelming sense of anxiety boiling around inside...
i'm sure that it comes from the whole not knowing thing and living in ambiguity...which,
if you've been reading, you already know, i'm sick and tired of.
ok, well, since i'm so bored at work, i thought i'd share with ya'll what i'm
doing with my time...
(btw, this is for mulher)
May 01, 2003 030501_49.
and away we
go well, nothing new to report, but i feel an obligation and a devotion to you,
my dear reader, to update my diary.
ah shit, who am i kidding....i'm writing to myself, no one reads this, right?
anyway, went to therapy yesterday...had a "tough" session...all this stuff
came out about how i want to feel special and important and how i didn't feel
special or important....and how i've always felt like i took a back seat to
other people....i don't know, it was good to get it out...and good to discuss it.
i think we can work passed it, cause i think what it amounts to is a failure to
communicate. not really a failure per se, but more like the fact that we have
different vocabulary and different language to express what we feel and we both
seem to want the same thing, but define it differently...when really, it's the
same....ok, that made sense to me...but probably not to anyone else.
note to self...see second paragraph...
so, i'm going to be locking myself up this weekend in a hotel room (in vegas) to
write my final and work on my final project for my other class...i realize that
this doesn't seem like a sound idea to some, but it works for me....it's hard to
study with dogs and cats jumping all around, and the phone ringing...and all the
distractions of home...
yes, i realize that there are distractions in vegas...but for whatever reason,
it's easier for me to be more disciplined there....knowing that if i'm good and
get my work done, i can let myself go play in the casino. if i don't, then i can't.
really, i can do that...isn't that kinda cool?
...second note to self...who are you talking to?? see second paragraph.
anyway, there won't be an update for a couple of days, cause i won't have
internet access (which is a HUGE distraction for me...and one of the reasons i'm
going away)...ya know, just so no one wonders where i went.
May 07, 2003 030507_28.
come fly with me... Ok, so haven’t updated, cause I’ve
been out of town - but I’m back, and so I figured - hmm - I think I’ll update.
I had a really fun time in Vegas - aside from the fact that I spent about 80% of
my time studying - yes - .i really did. I managed to finish my finals, and now, all
I have to do is one little project, and I’m done for the semester! Wahoo - .
Did I mention, wahoo?
So, some thoughts about my current situation:
I still have heard absolutely nothing from SFSU, and that’s makin me nuts. I
fully expected to come home from my little trip and have an envelope of some
sort in my mailbox from them. Frankly, I’m miffed. I mean, did I get in or not?
When the heck do they think they’re planning on letting everyone know? Hopefully,
it’ll be sometime before the semester starts -
And on the relationship mending/therapy/what the fuck is going on front - things
are pretty good. I’m not sure where we are headed. I’m not sure what’s on the
horizon - .so basically, I’m in the exact same place in my personal life as I am
in my scholastic life - in a complete state of ambiguity -
Anyway, I had this thought when I was flying home from Vegas yesterday - I was in
the Vegas airport - and there were a bunch of men in business suits and business
casual, who appeared to be going on a business trip - .some of them seemed to know
each other.
Then there were these 3 shi shi girls - they clearly had orange county snobbery
written all over them -
There were these two party girls - one of them looked like she’d been up all night
- a couple of non-descript people, and of course me -
So, I’m sitting there, in the airport, half asleep, all disheveled and grungy
and wearing a t-shirt and jeans and these 3 shi shi girls are all dressed cute
and their hair is all cute and they think they are all that and a bag of chips - with
a side of ranch for dipping -
And I’m thinking, sheesh, I feel less than - .i mean, I’m not pretty, like them, I’m
not super skinny, like them, I’m not wearing cute clothes, like them - I’m just me,
plain, nothing to write home about, wearing scrungy clothes, dyke, me -
But I decided to blow it off because they looked like bitches - so I tried to
ignore them and I tried to ignore the feeling less than thing - and I got on the
plane and fell asleep.
Then, when we were coming to the end of the flight (don’t get excited - it sounds
like there’s something juicy coming - and really - there’s not)
We’re flying over my town, and I felt a twinge of civic pride - (which was weird,
cause that’s never happened before)
We land - I grab my backpack and get ready to de-plane - make my way down to the
baggage claim - and there are those three girls again - all shi shi, and high and
mighty, and perfect -
They’re waiting for their luggage - mine comes down at the same time theirs does - .i
grab my bag - one of them grabs for her bag - it’s too heavy...she can’t quite get
it - she struggles - she’s wearing heels and she looks really uncomfortable, the
other one does the same thing - the third one gets her Louis Vitton bag and then
she starts bitching - .”the side pockets are opened! All my origins stuff was in
there! It’s gone! I can’t believe it!”
And suddenly, I’m completely grateful to be me - plain, nothing to write home
about, don’t care about my target duffle bag with wheels, don’t worry about not
being able to lift it, don’t worry about losing my shi shi face shit cause I
forgot to zip my bag, completely comfortable in my scrungy clothes and my
tennies, dyke, me.
May 12, 2003 030512_7.
state of the
union Ok, so here’s the thing. I’m fucked. That’s it - in a nutshell.
Here’s the story, for any of you that have shown up late -
Was with gf for 5 years - gf broke up with me - started dating - met really great grl,
really dug her, but still heartbroken over/attached to ex - .talked to ex, ex
suggested we go to therapy to “work things out” (not necessarily to get back
together) - ”broke up” with great grl - now in therapy with ex - ex doesn’t seem to
want to make any kind of commitment and likes things “the way they are going” - even
though ex admits that she loves me and is still attracted to me - that I’m her “perfect
partner” - .blah blah blah
I’m still waiting to hear from sfsu, whether or not I’m going to be transferring
(moving) I feel like everything in my life is on hold.
I feel like I can’t “date” anyone or go out - cause I’m doing this therapy thing
with the ex, who doesn’t want to state categorically what we are to each other
at this point -
I feel like I can’t do anything - cause I might or might not be moving -
I feel really stuck, and all I can do is perseverate about it and stew in my own
juices (which by now are probably getting a little stale - ..)
So, consequently, I’m fucked - I can’t move forward - I’m not going backwards - I’m
just sitting here - .i crave inertia - I crave motion - I crave growth - .i feel like I
spend this whole last year working really hard to grow and learn and become, and
now I feel like I’ve put the brakes on hard and slammed into the windshield, and
now I am sitting here..and on top of it all, I have a bruise in the shape of a
steering wheel on my chest and a cut on my forhead from where I shattered the
glass - .
I’m waiting - I’m in neutral - I’m idling - (how many more car analogies can I
possibly use?)
And for whatever reason, I feel like the great answer is finding out about san
Francisco - but what if I don’t get in? then where am I?? And what if I do get in?
then what do I do?? This is sooooo tired. I’m sure you are as tired of reading
about it as I am of writing/thinking/stewing about it.
I realize that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and I’m doing exactly what
I’m supposed to be doing - .but I really didn’t need a rest - I mean, I’m still
ready to work - I’ve got my game on - .put me in coach - .i’m tired of warming the
bench.
(something tells me I’m gonna be sorry I said that at some point down the line,
when I’m overwhelmed with too much stuff to do and not enough time to get it
done)
and on another happy note, I’ve volunteered to work at the Lambda Literary
Awards on the 29th. I’m going to be timing the people giving presentations and
speeches - which means I’m going to get to see a lot of groovy people up close and
personal - but I’m gonna have to get something fancy to wear. Ugh - .ugh, and yay at
the same time.
May 13, 2003 030513_9.
be careful
what you wish for *****UPDATE****
i'm fucked. but you knew that...
i called sfsu yesterday (yet again) to check on the status of my application....which
(according to them, on more than one occasion) is in department review.
i insisted that they tell me when i might be hearing from them...we went
throught the same old routine..."ok, what's your social security number?"...i
gave it to them...
they say, "oh, chnacat*...your application is incomplete"..
what the FUCK!? WHAT THE FUCK!!!
"i beg your pardon", i say, calmly..."what do you mean it's not complete!?"
[sidebar]
can i EVEN tell you how many times i've called that fucking school to find out
if my application was complete, to ask about the status of my completed
application (yes, they told me that it was complete)...can i even tell you how
many times? can i?????
so, he said,
"you'll have to call back and talk to the admissions secretary Amol, he's at
lunch right now"
and i said,
"but you don't understand...i've called, left messages, sent emails....no one
has EVER returned my calls...."
and he said,
"you'll have to call back and talk to the admissions secretary Amol, he's at
lunch right now"
so, i did....and i got the same run around from Amol...who told me that i'd have
to talk to Dr. Liz Knox, Graduate Admissions Coordinator....
i again explained that i've left numerous unreturned voicemail messages, several
unanswered emails for this woman....with no response...and he told me that the
best he could do was to put me in her voicemail...yet again.
i'm beginning to wonder if she even exists!
so, i'm waiting to hear from her to see if i have any recourse or if i'm just
fucked...i've already left 3 messages for her....since yesterday...
i guess one thing that this has clarified for me...in a sense, is that i'm
profoundly disappointed...i really wanted to go to sf...i have to examine my
motives for really wanting to go...but i really did want to go...i still do.
i'll keep everyone posted on my state of fucked-ness...cause i know you're all
sitting on the edge of your seats!
----------------------------
*they didn't really call me chnacat....but you knew that.
----------------------------
and...as an aside. a quote from my friend mulher today inspired me...it's one of
the most passionate and beautifully profound things i've ever heard her say....
"i'm in a fantastic state of misery right now, but my endorphins run on their
own, and they have a strange way of continuing to hold me up at the oddest
moments, even without my active participation"
-mulher
May 13, 2003 030513_61.
round 2 *****UPDATED UPDATE*****
well, i just got off the phone with san francisco state...i'm not accepted...
well, they are not accepting any transfer students this year...so that's why,
but shit man, could they not have told me that 4 months ago!
now i'm facing ever increasing bureaucratic bullshit at CSULB cause they have a
fucking hold on my registration due to the fact that i have to take some stupid
writing proficiency test that i've already taken and passed.
however, they won't accept my passing score from chapman cause it's a private
school...
i guess the fact that i took and "passed" the fucking LSAT and got into law
school (and got a fucking scholarship to law school for that matter) has no
bearing on their unbending decision that i must again take this stupid test.
it's not so much that i care about taking the test as it is a hassle and a pain
in the ass and I ALREADY PASSED IT!
needless to say, i'm profoundly disappointed, and upset, and tired, and grumpy
and sad.
i think that about sums things up.
May 14, 2003 030514_52.
careful-shmareful
sometimes it feels like i'm always making the wrong decisions in my life.
i was watching csi the other night...and this woman says something to the effect
of "i've spent my whole life wishing that i picked door number 2 instead of
door number 1" or something like that.
i can totally relate. it seems like, on the rare occasion that things start
going well, i sabotage them...and then most of the time, whe things aren't going
at all....i do everything in my power to change my situation and it winds up
blowing up in my face.
case in point
so now...i'm in a situation where i don't want what i have...i want what i had...but
i can't have that cause it's no longer available to me...i can't move forward...i
can't move backward...here i am, stuck in the middle...
why do i do this to myself? why do i insist on making my life difficult? why can't
i have it easy just once...find someone who loves me and really wants to be with
me, find a career that fulfills me, find peace within my skin and my head.
they say be careful what you wish for, well, that's what i'm wishing for...i'm
throwing caution to the wind. i'm chucking careful off the balcony...i'm wishing
for those three things and that's that.
of course, knowing how life is...or more specifically, how MY life is...none of
those things will happen. but hey, i guess i should be grateful that i have
something to write about in my diary, no?
May 20, 2003 030520_34.
the start
of something big well, long time no write. with that, you'd think that i had
something exciting to report...but alas...same shit, different day.
i had this epiphany last night...actually, i felt like my brain was trying to
have an epiphany...but i couldn't quite get there. so i guess i had the
beginnings of an epiphany. hopefully, it will mature into a real one....
it went something like this:
i don't need anyone or anything to describe me or define my happiness.
that's about as far as i got...i mean, i know that i'm waiting for something or
someone to validate me and to tell me that i'm wanted or needed and loved...AND
i know that somehow, that has to come from me, from within myself. i'm just not
sure how to manifest it yet. but i suppose that knowing you have a problem is
the first step in solving it, right?
oh, and i have an interview today at 5:00...i'll elaborate more later, don't
want to jinx anything ya know...
May 22, 2003 030522_27.
it was, it
is, and it will be This quiz shamelessly stolen from my friend mulher
15 years ago I...
was 20, a junior in college (on the 5 year plan)...having the time of my life!
was “in love” with too many boys (on an emotional level, but never really diggin’
it on a physical level and not quite understanding why)
did WAY too many drugs
saw my first grateful dead show
was a fine art major in college with an emphasis in painting, after changing my
major from music/vocal performance when I became dissatisfied with “singing
opera”
10 years ago I...
was engaged to be married
was doing therapy with autistic children under the supervision of Dr. Ivar
Llovas from UCLA
had been to about 85 more grateful dead shows
was on my way to getting VERY fat and still doing way too many drugs
was seriously battling depression and trying to deal with the suicide of my
younger brother 4 years earlier
really hated myself - but thought, “that’s just how life is”
5 years ago I...
had been out as a lesbian for about a year
was hopelessly in love with “her”
lived in a cute little apartment in a cute little part of costa mesa
worked at the deli in a health food store
wanted more for my life, but didn’t have a clue about what I wanted to be when I
grew up
started running marathons
was sober for a year and a half (more than that - almost 2 years)
2 years ago I...
was “dealing with” her father having cancer and being scared he would die
was working for her father in a “boiler room” of sorts in culver city
was incredibly dissatisfied with my weight (yet again) and decided to do
something about it (yet again)
was still sober (thank God)
was trying to figure out what to do with my life - still
took the LSAT and applied to law school
1 year ago I...
decided at the end of my first year of law school that it wasn’t what I wanted - and
dropped out
said goodbye to her father, who died of cancer in april
was single after 5 years when she left me after her father died
felt desperately alone and scared but at the same time, was stronger than I had
been in a long time
Yesterday I...
went to therapy with “her” so we can try to figure out what the fuck we mean to
each other
cried hard, for the first time in a while
was disgusted by my dirty house
worried about the future
Today I...
need to call someone for a med-eval
enjoyed my coffee
came to a job that I really hate
wonder about the future
Tomorrow I will...
once again, come to a job I really hate
worry about the future
be ever-so grateful that it’s Friday
Five items I have brand loyalty to...
diet pepsi
dr. atkins protein bars
kraft macaroni and cheese
soft n’ dri deoderant
tide
Five snacks I enjoy...
sugar free jello
atkins bars
anything with peanut butter in/on/around it
coffee (that’s not really a snack - I know)
cheddar cheese
Five songs I know all the words to, even without the music....
Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody
Every song in A Chorus Line (and Cats, and Fiddler, and a whole lotta other
musicals)
Every song in EVITA (the broadway version, not the Madonna version)
Anything by the Grateful Dead
The old slinky commercial (what walks downstairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a
ëslinkety’ sound - .)
Five games I like...
scrabble
yahtzee
video poker (in Vegas)
spite and malice (a card game my grandma and I used to play)
mah jong solitaire (the computer version - .)
Five albums that changed my life... (in no particular order)
Journey ñ Escape
Pink Floyd ñ The Wall
Grateful Dead ñ Terrapin Station
The original Broadway cast recording of Annie
Joni Mitchell ñ Court and Spark
Five things I can't live without...
coffee
diet pepsi
music
books
humor
Five things I would buy with a $1000...
a lot of cd’s, can you believe that I have NO aerosmith!
A maid to clean my house REALLY well, just once
A sumptuous sushi dinner and a movie for 5 of my closest friends
Stuff for my animals (dogs and cats)
A new bed set (down comforter, duvet, sheets)
My guilty pleasures...
GAMES magazine
The LA times crossword puzzle in the Sunday calendar section
The Simpsons
Napping
Blasting my music and dancing and singing around my house like an idiot
Top five musicians lately (or who's in the CD player right now?)
alix olson
the allman brothers
kris delmhorst
queen
dar Williams
Top five locations I'd like to run away to...
maui
the mountains (any mountains)
Israel (provided that people weren’t blowing each other up)
India
Italy
Name five bad habits I have...
Procrastination
Self deprication
Worrying about the future
Not cleaning the house often enough
Did I say worrying about the future?
Name five things I would never wear...
ruffles
members only jackets
“painted on” jeans
tube tops
pink
Name TV shows you like...
The Simpson’s
CSI and CSI Miami
Third Watch
Buffy
Any kind of forensic crime show on A&E (cold case files, forensic detectives,
American justice, investigative reports - you get the picture)
May 23, 2003 030523_38.
creative
uses for cheese well, nothing new - .same shit, new day. and so it goes.
i made a new quiz - i’m sure you’re all thrilled to know. so, now that you know...go
take it, what could be more fun than taking a quiz that’s all about me?? you
know you wanna....just click on the link to your left...do it....i dare you.
so, i’ve been grappling with this whole therapy with the ex thing...am i single?
am i partnered? am i dating? what the fuck am i?
i’ve come up with the following:
i’m single.
i can date anyone i want to, if i want to (that is, if they want to date me)
i’m still going to therapy with “her” in order to figure out i’m not quite sure
what, but i know that i can’t (and won’t) be on hold until she can figure out
what she wants... and if someone comes into my life...i’ll go for it instead of
saying that i can’t cause i’m in therapy blah blah blah...
i want to have someone in my life who wants me and digs me...who i can want and
dig in return
now, i realize that i had that (the last one) and i fucked it up royally. i
realize that i completely blew a certain opportunity with a certain vegetarian
lovely and that there is no going back and no way to turn back the clock. (believe
me, if i could go back or turn back the clock, i’d do it in a heartbeat, no
questions asked, but she’s happy now and completely not interested in me...she’s
made that clear).
i did learn, however, that making decisions based on fear is not the way to do
things.
so, we’re sort of back to square one. so to speak. (or type, as the case may be)
in a way, it feels kind of scary to be back here at the ole’ number one square...but
i guess that i’ll get past that soon enough.
in the mean time, i guess i’ll just bide my time and wait to see what happens.
May 26, 2003 030527_24.
i've
finally figured it out, again... i was just reading a thread on a bulletin board
that talked about the possibility of "forever".
i'm not sure that i believe in forever anymore. i guess that means that i should
enjoy what i have while i have it and stop worrying about the future (and the
past).
a hefty concept, but one i think i could get the hang of. now...if i could only
stop my head from wandering around and get it to stay in one place.
that's gonna be the tough part i think.
May 27, 2003 030527_15.
freedom my sisters, freedom ok, i’ve decided...i’m
done with this pity party. i’m just going to live my life and be a good person
and see what comes. i’m done looking for anyone else to complete me or fulfill
me or make me happy. that’s it....i’m throwing in the towel.
(someone bookmark this page so that you can remind me of what i’m saying in a
week or two when i’m all bummed out again about being lonely)
the thing is, it’s not working for me the way it is now. i’m pretty sure that
she and i are through...at least for now, because she has indicated to me that
she doesn’t have the capacity right now to commit to me or anyone else...and i’ve
decided that i’m not going to sit idly by, waiting for her to make up her mind
about what she wants. it’s also been made clear that the other grrl.....the one
that i liked, who liked me, but then i fucked it all up by running back to “her”....well,
she’s got a new girlfriend and seems to be very happy...SO, more power to her
and here’s a toast to her happiness.
i figure, maybe there is someone out there for me who is even better and if i
make myself available to her...she’ll come into my life. i don’t know who she is...if
she’s someone i’ve already met, if she’s “her” if she’s someone i have yet to
meet...but i have to just live my life.
so, that’s my optimistic outlook for the day.
on another note, i’m volunteering for the Lambda Literary Awards on thursday
night....and i’m wearing this little black cocktail dress with these little low
heels...i decided i’m going to paint my toenails blue....i’m sure i’ll be a
sight. i’ll either look fabulous with my shaved head and tattoos and piercings...or
i’ll look like some kind of circus freak. perhaps i’ll get a photo and post it
for ya’ll?
i’ve decided in the whole butch-femme dynamic thingy...i’m completely in the
middle and i can go either way...i mean, most of the time, i’m pretty
androgenous...bordering on butch-ish (cause of the clothes i wear) but i can
glam it up and get femme.....that makes me right about in the middle....either
way, i’m a poseur, cause there is no “right in the middle” category....but who
the hell am i to put myself in a box anyway....
May 28, 2003 030528_36.
prove me
right So, i got up this morning...showered... shaved my legs for the first time
in almost over a year...weighed myself...was disgusted...got dressed...looked in
the mirror and thought, “well, i’m certainly not going to win any beauty
contests.”
Now, is that really the way to start the day? i mean, geez....i know i’m not
beautiful by any stretch of the imagination, but man...
Why is it that my head keeps trying to kick the shit out of me...why can’t i be
one of those people who is blissfully unaware of my shortcomings?
I made an appointment today with my shrink for a med eval (yes....i’m chnacat
and i take medication) to help manage my anxiety (which is really getting to be
too much to deal with). I don’t freak out in an outward fashion, my anxiety is
the result of not being able to turn off my head and turn off the constant
commentary that goes on up there. the anxiety is purely internal....but
sometimes it feels like i’m going to come ripping out of my skin, like there is
this “little me” inside me....and she’s so anxious and hopped up on adrenaline
that she just wants to burst out...she must live right under my skin, which
means that she’s probably pretty thin, ya know, to squish in there between my
skin and my bones...but i digress...
Anyway, i have got to do something about this anxiety, cause it’s affecting my
functioning. I worry constantly and this is not good. My therapist asked me if i
am able to meditate...HAH! i can sit, sure...i can close my eyes, no problem...but
there is the cacophony going on in my head that i can’t for the life of me shut
up. I can’t “quiet my mind” in order to meditate. And believe me, i’ve tried
everything. Drugs used to work beautifully...but now there’s that whole sobriety
thing, so that’s out. Food worked for awhile, but then it stopped working and i
got really huge...so that’s out...i’m not quite sure what to do, but hopefully,
with the help of some pill, i’ll be able to shut my head off....you know what
they say, “better living through chemistry”.
Also...i finally got my rejection letter from san francisco state...ya know, i
knew that i wasn’t going...but to get that letter in the mail was a gigantic ego
buster. They didn’t even say, you are not accepted because we’re not taking any
transfers next year...it just said....we’re sorry to inform you....blah blah
blah. Makes me want to scream at them, “YOU IDIOTS! DON’T YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
REJECTING??? I GOT A FREAKING SCHOLARSHIP TO LAW SCHOOL.....I’M GONNA BE A GREAT
SOCIAL WORKER AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE SO FUCKING SORRY THAT YOU DIDN’T LET ME
INTO TO YOUR STUPID PETTY SCHOOL”...but really, what does that solve?
And by the way, go read ainslee’s mom’s page and sign her guest book...she’s
convinced that no one is reading her diary...and i am convinced otherwise...go
and prove me right!
ok, i HATE my life...i just got offered my dream job...well, not my dream job
per se...but a great job working with GLBTQ youth as a rehab specialist (read
social worker)...it's perfect...the hours are great... BUT... it's in los
angeles, and they can only pay me $29.265.60 a year...which is all well and good,
but my expenses exceed that and i'm currently making $41,600.00 a year... FUCK!
May 29, 2003 030529_88.
who could
ask for anything more? Do you ever have one of those days...when nothing seems
to go your way? When everything you try seems to backfire and then on top of
that, your boss is bitching at you about something really minute and unimportant...
Do ya?
I feel like i’m constantly whining about how crappy my life is and all the
things that are wrong with me....today, we are going to try a different approach.
Here are all the things that are right in my life and all the things i am
grateful for...
(ready, begin)
i’m grateful for my able body and my sharp mind. I know i’m smart...not smarter
than anyone else per se, but smart nonetheless.
I have great babies....the dogs and the cats....they are wonderful and love
unconditionally. Expo is a total love, Java brings me dead birds on a regular
basis...and the cats sometimes don’t come home for a couple of days...but they
are great and they love me.
I have a great car that i love to drive...it’s a red vw beetle
I have some great cd’s and a nice stereo to listen to them on
I have a new computer that is wicked fast
I have wonderful friends who love me even though i never answer the phone
I have a nice place to live in a nice town, with nice neighbors
I have the ability to think deeply and experience things with a full range of
emotions
I’m grateful for my educational opportunities...i’m learning a lot and making
some great contacts.
I love my tattoos, can’t wait for my next one!
I love cheese
I am grateful for my wit and sense of humor (cause i know people without one,
and that sucks)
Starbucks and diet pepsi are readily available to me on a regular basis
I have the freedom to be who i am, even if some other people aren’t happy about
it.
I love kissing girls (and look forward to the next opportunity)
I’ve got rhythm
I’ve got music (sorry, i had to)
I’ve traveled to a lot of amazing places
I have spirit angels that watch over my animals (thank you Kevin)
All in all, not too much to complain about, who cares if i feel directionless or
hate my job or feel alone...who cares if nothing seems to be going my way as
hard as i try....who cares if....ah shit...
Well, that little spark of optimism was short lived...but at least i know what i’m
capable of!
May 30, 2003 030530_7.
shi shi,
frou frou Ok, so last night i went to the lammy’s
With my pal and “her”. We volunteered. Mulher got to be the art auction babe,
and “she” got to take tickets at the VIP party.
I was the timer, i timed the award recipients when they gave their acceptance
speeches and made sure they didn’t talk over 1 minute or so...very important. (yeah
right)
We got there...we were late see here ... we got in, got our bearings, scarfed a
sandwhich (mulher and i did...she didn’t), and then changed into our finery. I
wish i had a picture cause we looked hot, all three of us!
Mulher took her post next to the “art”, “she” took her post at the entrance to
the VIP room...and i spent (almost) 2 hours running around like a mad woman in
little pointy heels. Escorting the VIP’s from the registration table...up the
stairs, down the hall, down another hall, up some more stairs, down two more
halls to the VIP room(s) where there was food and a cash bar and WAY too many
people with not enough circulating air.
I was also tasked with running around and finding a bunch of people and giving
them envelopes which contained some kind of instruction...that was fine...but, i
didn’t know who any of them were...so i’m stealthing around...looking at name
tags (which essentially amounts to looking at everyone’s chest). I’m sure that
looked great!
“hey, who’s that lesbian with the shaved head and tattoos in the black cocktail
dress who’s running around looking at everyone’s boobs?”
the highlights of the evening for me were getting to meet judy shepard, meeting
and kibitzing with betty degeneres, talking to elvira kurt (i reminded her that
i had proposed marriage to her at michigan last summer and that she turned me
down)...she’s very genuine....i hope i didn’t sound like a freaking stalker! I
also got to meet author, michelle tea...who is also extremely nice and very
genuine. And finally, the highlight of my evening....got a book signed and got
to hug lynn breedlove which was a huge thrill...
aside from rubbing elbows with some of the great literary giants of gay and
lesbian (bisexual, transgender, and questioning) press...i got a goody bag (actually
3 of them) which contains a lot of gay male fiction and some cheesy dvd. There
is a nice damron guide in there...which i’m sure i’ll use...but the books are
being given to mullher’s friends juan and john...
it was a festive and eventful evening. Mulher and “she” spent most of the time (the
whole dinner and awards portion) sitting at a table in the back with some other
volunteers and munching on recycled rolls and coffee. I learned later that some
kind soul got them dessert at some point.
We got to hob nob with the who’s who of gay LA (sheila kuhl) ...and their
supporters (judith light) and it was fun to dress up for a change.
I will tell you that “she” and mulher looked stunning! I think we were the best
looking three in the place!
June 02, 2003 030602_6.
and the
band played on Another day, another diary entry. Doesn’t always seem like we’re
just doing the same old thing only on a different day? i must tell you, i
freakin’ hate my job. I dread coming to work and i dread sitting here at my desk
wondering if i’m going to be bored all day and how in the world i’m going to
make the time pass (ya know, cause you can only surf the web for so long before
you’ve seen it all!)
However, i must say that i am grateful for my employment and for the ability to
pay my bills. I mean, there is an up side i guess...ya know, when they give you
those checks every two weeks so you can send all your money (i won’t say hard
earned, cause it’s not) to strangers for services that you never see or think
about. I mean, i know i take for granted that my phone’ll work and that when i
turn on my tv, i’ll be able to watch the simpsons...but do ya ever really think,
while you are sitting there on the couch, sipping a diet pepsi and zoning out to
a simpson’s re-run that still makes you giggle....”hey, i’m paying for this...i’m
sending some anonymous stranger a shit load of money every month so that i can
be watching this”....i’d venture to say that you think about it just as much as
i do....which would be never.
So, yes, i hate my job...but i don’t hate my employment, if that makes any sense?
I have sent resume’s to about a gazillion people though, so we’ll see what
shakes out on that one.
This weekend was the weekend of volunteering. On saturday, i helped set up the
booths and chairs and tables and stuff for the AIDS Walk. That was fun, but
tiring and muscle straining....(however, there was free starbuck’s coffee...so
that made it all worth it). Then, later that afternoon, “she” and i rented an 8
foot trailer and loaded it up with furniture (i had a couch, dresser, coffee
table, end table, chair, twin bed, tv stand thingy...”she” had a kitchen table,
two chairs, queen box spring, and bedroom set which consisted of dresser, 2
night stands, and headboard with a shelf and lights and stuff). We took the
furniture and donated it to a needy family in compton (not a great area) and we
had to make 2 trips. But it was worth it, and now this family and their
multitudes of children have furniture to sit on and at least one bed....they are
getting 2 sets of bunk beds sometime soon as well. Needless to say, i was a
little sore when i woke up on sunday morning..
Sunday was the AIDS Walk, and i got there at 6:30 am and worked until about 1:30
pm. It was fun and hard work and i got sunburned on my head and neck (this is
what happens when you don’t have hair...your head gets cooked).
SO, consequently, now, on monday morning, i’m even more sore and achy AND i’m a
little woozy from being in the sun too much. (i wonder if i could use that as an
excuse to go home sick?) which sort of brings me back to how i hate my job, in a
round about way, doesn’t it?!
And on a completely unrelated note, “she” and her dog and 2 cats have moved back
into my house. “she’s” going to europe for summer abroad.....law school in
switzerland...should be intense. And while she is gone, i’m watching all the
animals (for 6 weeks) and if you’re not keeping track, that means i have 3 dogs
and 5 cats (2 of them very angry) living in my house. I’m sure i’ll be able to
write more about the ensuing chaos, but for now, i’ll leave it at that.
12:36 pm June 04, 2003 030604_43.
#*%@$*!
Anxiety
Syllables: anx-i-e-ty
Pronunciation aeng zai ih ti
Inflected Forms anxieties
Definition 1. a mental state characterized by uneasiness, distress, and worry;
apprehension.
Synonyms uneasiness {uneasy (1)} , worry (2) , disquietude , disquiet , distress
(1)
Crossref. Syn. tension , nerve , apprehension , bother , solicitude ,
trepidation , concern , care , dismay
Similar Words dread , fear , nervousness {nervous} , fretfulness {fretful} ,
concern , care , angst , perturbation , apprehension , misgiving , inquietude
Definition 2. a cause of such apprehension.
Synonyms worry (3)
Crossref. Syn. distress , care
Similar Words trouble , dread , fear , concern , care
Related Words compunction , horror , consternation , malaise , alarm ,
discomfort
June 06, 2003 030606_70.
and yet
another fine piece of writing... Ok, i got this in an email...ya know, one of
those one’s that your “friends” send you cause they have to send it to 50 people
so they can have good luck, and if they don’t, the sky will fall.....
But i thought it was mildly amusing, and as i have nothing of relevance to post
here today, i thought i’d share it with ya’ll.
As I've Matured. . .
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you...All you can do is stalk
them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -- they are more
screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something missing in my house, it's cause
my dog ate it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and madness.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too
soon and the real pains in the ass are permanent.
June 09, 2003 030609_30.
in the
land of academia.... In the spirit of “publish or perish” i submit today’s entry
(recorded earlier)
I’m sitting here in a staff meeting, listening to dan drone on about something,
i don’t really know what and i don’t really care. I’m going to ask my shrink to
change me from prozac to paxil i think...hopefully, it doesn’t make me fat. Also,
i asked the magic 8 ball if i’d be getting a new job soon, and it said, “it is
certain”, which is a huge blessing!!! I love the magic 8 ball! Love it!
I have a sort of peripheral feeling that something is on it’s way. Something’s
going to happen. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but something is.
I signed up for yoga class. I’m going to my first class tonight. I’m hoping that
i’ll like it enough to keep me interested.
Ok, so that’s what i did in my staff meeting...i’m sure it’s riveting! I also
found out that my friend got fired today...(i think that’s why they initially
called the meeting..to tell us that he was fired) which sucks cause i really
like him and i’m going to miss him so much! However, if i have my way (which i
never do) then i won’t be here for much longer anyway and i won’t have to worry
about working for such a crappy assed company, doing such a hateful and boring
job.
So....after reading today’s entry...you probably think i should have opted for
perish instead of publish?? I do....i promise to be better next time.
June 11, 2003 030611_25.
i'm
waiting..... i am getting very used to the experience of disappointment. let me
explain.
i wanted to go to sfsu...they aren't taking transfer students
i wanted to work for GLASS...they can't pay me enough to live on
i got a tip on a possible job or internship with AIDS Services Foundation...they
don't have any jobs and they probably don't have any internship slots
i went to therapy with my ex to "try to work things out"...she doesn't want to
be with anyone or have a relationship "right now"
my boss said she was going to try to get me an increase and that they were going
to make me a permanent employee instead of a contractor...they decided to keep
me as a contractor and i'm not getting a raise
csulb is supposed to take the hold off of my registration which is there cause
of a test i'm supposed to take (which i've already taken and passed)...the
director of my department is going to write me a waiver letter...he did that and
testing services has not responded
(ok, that one is weak...but still)
i'm getting frustrated...it seems like every path i venture onto is the wrong
way or a dead end. i just want some clarity that i'm headed the right way or, if
i'm not, which way is the right way...
is that too much to ask for?? i think not.
June 16, 2003 030616_7.
a whole lotta nothin! i have nothing exciting to
report. no news. nothing to say...
mulher's leaving for greece tomorrow..."she" is in geneva till next month...i'm
bored....no one to talk to or hang out with...poor poor me....
June 17, 2003 030618_60.
and yet
again It’s amazing to me - .no matter how strong you think you are, your parents
still have the ability to rock your foundation and send you reeling with just
mere words. And not even words spoken to your face, but words typed over the
internet.
I had a conversation this afternoon with my mother in which I asked her why she
seemed so distant. it went something like this:
chnacat: i don't get the feeling you like me anymore
mom: why would you say that
chnacat: i don’t' know...you just seem kinda cold to me
mom: well chnacat as you know how we feel about the shaved head and all, it just
sort of turns us off, but as you said its your life and that’s how you choose to
be , we certainly don’t have to like it , it doesn’t mean we don’t love you
anymore that will never change, you will always be loved , we may not like what
you do, but we always will love you
chnacat: i was only talking about you...where does this we thing come in?
mom: when we get turned off we would rather not spend time with you, its too
uncomfortable for us but that it your choice
chnacat: i'm talking to you...what is this we shit?
mom: well you asked about dad yesterday so i'm answering for both of us
chnacat: no, i'm asking about you
mom: we love you and want to see you and spend time with you, but when you do
things that so go against us it’s just hard
chnacat: just you...and i guess that's a decision you're making then....don't
start calling me up and asking me why i'm not around or when you're going to see
me
mom: i’m sure you can understand that
chnacat: and i'm not going against you.
chnacat: i'm living my life.
mom: and were are living our life, something’s you have to think of others and
not be so self centered
mom: abut just about everytthjing , some times you could bend alittle as
specially whne you know how much we feel about certain things
mom: i think dadn and i are pretty good about things
mom: i am leaving now for awhaile
I left work feeling empty and alone and cold and sad - .why is it that my mother
only has the ability to love me conditionally, even though she claims to love me
unconditionally.
You’d think that my parents would be proud of me. I’m a kind person, I have a
good heart. I’m educated - I take care of myself, I’m self sufficient - i’m not
exactly sure what they want from me - but I can only be who I am -
But, I have to say, I did feel a little better after going to yoga -
June 19, 2003 030619_82.
you make
me feel like a natural womyn
You are a true nature girl!
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
June 21, 2003 030621_96.
just
enjoyin' the ride well, today's the day...i'm leaving in about 2 hours to drive
up to LA to get my new tattoo...i'm completely excited about it...and a little
scared (ya know, cause it hurts....and i know this, but that's half the fun
anyway).
i'm sure that this will thrill and delight my mother even further (see here) but
i really couldn't give two shits at this point.
my dad told me that he loves me unconditionally...that was nice...at least one
of my parents likes me.
i've decided that i'm OVER womyn...i'm over "her" and i'm over the other womyn
(who is now in love with someone else and although it makes me completely
jealous, i have to respect the fact that she is happy and let her go)...so i'm
over her too. i'm done with all of them. if and when the "right womyn" comes
along, she'll be great, and i'll be great, and it'll be great...but for now, i'm
goin solo and that's that. i'm not even sure that i want to casually date anyone
right now. i'm just done.
i've been doing yoga and i LOVE it. i highly recommend it to everyone,
especially people who DETEST exercise, like me...it's very spiritual and very
intense and i love it!
i also finally got my grades...i'm proud to say that i still have a 4.0...at
least something is going right, right?
June 23, 2003 030623_11.
introducing, Ganesha ta da!!
June 25, 2003 030625_90.
focus on
the breath it's a strange juxtapositioning of feelings and emotions...a layering
on slowly but surely and you don't even realize it's happening. sort of like
when you sit outside on an overcast day and don't realize you're burning until
after you've gotten home and taken a shower and then you feel the sting of the
hot water on your freshly burned skin and realize you got fried....
life is strange that way. one day you're here...and the next day, you're over
there. you don't even realize that you've walked anywhere at all.
i'm so much different than i was 6 months ago...and so much the same. i feel
stronger. i think i do much better when i'm forced to be on my own and not rely
on anyone for comfort. but it's lonely. i find myself wanting to be alone and
then, at the same time, wishing i had a partner or someone to walk through life
with. and sometimes i think, "i don't need anyone...i could be alone for the
rest of my life and be ok" and then there are the other times when i feel so
empty and floundering...constantly looking at other womyn and thinking, "are
you the one?"
my greatest wish is for inner peace. to be able to love myself unconditionally
and not rely on my parents' approval in order to feel ok about me. i'm getting
there...but it's a tough row to hoe.
i think that through yoga and meditation, i'll be able to get closer to that,
but again....a long and slow process.
thank God for reruns of the simpsons...cause without them, i don't know what i'd
do!
July 01, 2003 030701_22.
greener pastures Well, i’ve decided to go completely vegan. No more animal based
foods...no more dairy...no more cheese (which yes, i realize is dairy). I’m just
tired of always feeling crummy and i think that my diet has something to do with
it. So, today begins my new plant based way of eating. I’m thinking that i’ll
probably go the raw food route, ya know, cause i hate to cook...but that’s not
for me to worry about right now.
I’m leaving for michigan in 35 days and i couldn’t be more excited. I’m going to
really have to practice being in the “now” while i’m there, so the time doesn’t
just fly by (but you know it will anyway)...
I’m trying to give up on my ridiculous notions about love and partnership. It
seems that there is nothing fair in love (and war) and that it’s completely
random. I just hope that i have the capacity to fall in love again and that it’s
not all drained out of me or used up. I completely dig my alone time, which is
good, cause i’m alone a lot....but eventually, i think it would be nice to
settle down with someone who loves me and who i love...but there i go again,
with my silly musings....i think that the hard part is that it’s spring/summer
and people are falling in love all over the place...what is it about the change
of seasons that stirs a person’s hormones?
Which brings me to another ridiculous notion...the concept of forever....i’m not
sure that i believe it exists...i mean, i would hope that it existed...there is
nothing more romantic or lovely than the thought of growing old with a person
and maintaining some kind of romantic feeling for the person (which of course is
reciprocated) through all those years...but alas, i think that too is a figment
of my overactive imagination and the result of too much television....i wonder
if i could sue the writers of the brady bunch for screwing with my mind?
And i wonder if there are other people of “my generation” who’s beliefs and
ideas about love and family and sense of self are derived from the television
shows we watched as children as our mothers went out to me super womyn and work
instead of staying home to teach us morals and values....
I’m not saying that my parents didn’t teach me values and morals....they did,
and they did a good job of it, but a lot of what i know about myself and life, i
learned from tv. Which is incredibly sad, if you think about it.
July 05, 2003 030705_15.
God bless
america i don't like the 4th of july.
i don't like the fireworks, and the noise, and the rampant disregard for other
people's safety in the name of patriotism and america!
last night, the streets were filled with smoke from people lighting their piddly
fireworks while there was a (pretty substantial) fireworks display being put on
at the golf course about 2 blocks away. it was very nice...if you like that sort
of thing. but meanwhile, everyone and their brother was setting off those little
fireworks that you get at the fireworks stands in the middle of the streets.
no one seemed to care that cars were still driving around...and that the
fireworks they were playing with made it nearly impossible for the cars to get
by and the people in the cars to get home.
no one seemed to care that the sparks from said fireworks were landing in other
people's back yards and landing on their dry grass (mine in particular).
no one seemed to care that it was scaring the crap out of all the dogs and cats
in the neighborhood.
no one seemed to care that the toxic smoke the fireworks were emitting was
choking the streets and the lungs of those of us who live on those streets.
no one seemed to care that some people go to bed by 10:30 or 11:00 and that it's
inappropriate to be setting off loud fireworks until 2:00 am.
it's just a dumb holiday...i mean, i think it's grand that we celebrate our
independence. i think that there are tons of great ways of doing it. there were
lots of nice family gatherings, and barbeques....i myself celebrated the
indpendence of america from they english monarchy by stripping and rewaxing my
floors. it took me all day, but it looks beautiful and i feel great about it.
but lighting dangerous (and in some cases illegal) incendiary devices and
shooting them into the sky is not my idea of a fun time.
i think the whole holiday needs to be revamped! it needs to be more eco-friendly
and more considerate of other people and our planet....not to mention the
animals...
but that's just my two cents.
July 08,
2003 030708_46.
my favorite toy Sometimes i feel like silly putty. Ya know
when you take it out of the egg, and it’s kinda stiff, but still pliable. Then
you play with it for awhile and it gets all soft and maleable...
You can press it onto the newspaper and it’ll pick up the image, then you can
stretch the image and make it into funny distorted shapes.
You can pull it apart really slowly and make a long string of really thin silly
putty...or you can pull it apart really fast and it’ll snap in two.
You can mold it into any shape you want to, play with it for as long as you want
to, and then put it back in the egg...
And then one day, you loose Ω of the egg while you are playing with it; it rolls
under the couch, or the dog eats it when you’re not looking...and you are done
playing with it, but you can only find Ω the egg...so you smush it into the Ω
that you have and stick it on the shelf....and it dries up and you throw it away.
Yeah, sometimes i feel just like that!
July 10, 2003 030710_25.
yeah, that's
about right!
Wiccan Lesbian or Tree Hugger Lesbian:
You probably own at least one pair of birkenstocks
and have a lot of kahki. Most likely you're a
vegetarian, are really into nature and animal
rights or practice the Wiccan religion.
What Kind Of Lesbian Stereotype Are You???
brought to you by Quizilla
July 14, 2003 030714_81.
and so it
goes I don’t know why i’ve been so tired lately. Yesterday,i was supposed to go
to disneyland with marcy’s mom....i woke up, felt icky, decided that i’d feel
better after going to yoga, went to yoga, felt shitty throughout the class and
came home. I called marcy’s mom (MM) and told her that i was sick and could we
please reschedule....i felt like a complete shmuck....albeit, a sick schmuck....
If someone had a plan with me and cancelled at the last minute, even if they
were sick as a dog, i’d probably be a little pissed off. But i asked her if she
was mad, and she said that she wasn’t...so, she’s either a saint, or a really
good liar.
And getting back to the sick thing...i still feel completely exhausted and have
a headache (but the fever that i had on sunday is gone, thank God). I detest
being sick, and feeling tired all the time...i hate it! I slept through my alarm
this morning and wound up being 45 minutes late to work...not good. I hope that
there’s nothing seriously wrong with me. I mean, i’m sure there’s not, but still...it
makes one wonder. I guess it would behoove me to get insurance or something of
that nature, so i could go to the doctor every once in a while. Hmmm...that’s a
nice thought.
At any rate, yesterday i spent the entire day in bed, asleep...i think i woke up
once to go to the bathroom and once again at about 4 or 5....maybe it was even 6....i
got up, watched futurama and counted the change in my change can....i have about
$85.00, which is good...i’ll use it as emergency money...or take it to michigan,
which is 21 days away!!!
ainslee’s mom’s is going to michigan!!! I’m completely thrilled!
And mulher is home!!!!
“She” gets back from geneva on the 21st. i have mixed emotions about the whole
thing. I’m not sure where we are going from here. I’ve sort of braced myself for
the whole “we’re just going to be friends” thing....and, if that’s the case, i’ve
braced myself for weaning myself out of her life. I can’t be there for her, and
do things for her and be continually available to her, if she’s not going to
reciprocate.
But then there’s that nagging feeling, that i’m never going to find someone who
i’m as compatible with...i’m never going to find someone who i feel so
completely comfortable with, and that whoever i am with, if anyone at all....will
i just be settling cause i know that i won’t be able to find that kind of
compatibility and comfort again?
Maybe i should just stay single for the rest of my life. And just have lots of
friends...i wish i could pull my head out of my ass and just be. I wish i could
turn off my head and just relax. I think that’s what i love so much about yoga,
so far, it’s the only place i’ve been able to do that. Just turn off the
spinning and be in the now. It’s something i’m going to be working very hard on
for the next however long it takes....(lifetime?)
AND...I’m going on a job interview tomorrow. Don’t want to jinx it so i won’t
say any more, but i’ll let ya know.
Well, i guess it’s back to the salt mines...or rather, i guess it’s back to
sitting here at my desk being bored out of my skull and trying to look busy...(same
difference if you ask me)
Ciao.
July 18, 2003 030718_25.
ick i
really don't have much to say...it's morning...i just got up. i was going to try
to sleep in a little bit, cause i don't have to be at work until 9 today...however,
i was awakened at 6:30 by the sound of my dog expo barfing...so i cleaned it up
and climbed back into bed...then, at 7:15, she barfed again...lovely...get up,
clean it up...worry that she's sick, wonder how much the vet bill is going to be...worry
that i have no money...worry about expo...(who, after barfing, seems fine now...must've
been something she ate...that should teach her to eat out of the cat box...but
it probably won't)...
then i get a nice message from mulher in my guestbook...but it's all in
...so
i "decode" it and go to the website, where i am summarily insulted...(see
below)
it's gonna be a great day!
Take the test, by Emily.
oh, and by the way....
Threat rating: Medium. Your total lack of decent
family values makes you dangerous, but we can
count on some right wing nutter blowing you up
if you become too high profile.
What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
July 21,
2003 030721_36.
it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world the movie adventure...by
chnacat
Once upon a time, last saturday, i went to the movies with my friend, marcy's
mom. we had made a plan to see the pirate's of the caribbean, the 3:15 showing,
which gave us just enough time to get a bite to eat and then go see the flick.
so, we got our movie tickets, went across the walkway to the restaurant, sat
down, ate (i had a salad, she had a coke) and then went back over to the movie.
i got myself a gigantic diet coke at the concession.
while standing in line for the dc, there was a gentleman in front of us. it was
apparent that he had just had a haircut, he had little hairs on his back and
shoulders...very frightening, it should have been our first clue that we had
walked into an alternate universe and things here just weren't "right". So, dc
in hand, we then we went in to find a seat.
marcy's mom was walking in front of me, she turned the corner first and stopped
dead in her tracks! from the look on her face, i could see we were in trouble.
there were NO seats.
ironically, right before turning that corner, she had asked me where i prefer to
sit, i said, "well, next to you somewhere, but i really don't have a preference,
you pick"
actually, to be perfectly accurate, there were approximately 5 empty seats. a
single at the top, a single in the middle, and three empty's that were rapidly
filling up in the front row.
we decided that we'd get our money back and play it by ear. we asked about when
the next showing started and when was a good time to come in and find a seat.
the lady told us, "we open the theater at 4:00 for the 4:40 show.
so, we walked around the mall, went into this cool store that had funky vintage
signs and toys...went to pick up the homer jack in the box, "let's try it",
she said.."ok" i said, "IT'S BROKEN" the lady behind the counter squawked.
ok, we backed out of the store...this was shaping up to be a fine day indeed...
after much browsing (the highlight of which was a foot high red velvet jesus at
urban outfitters) we decided to go back to the movie and give it another shot.
so, we bought our tickets, and we went to the theater (theater 16) to find a
line of about 10 people...not too bad...we got in line.
by this time, i was starving (having only had a salad two hours earlier) and
being a vegan, there was not much for me to eat. i told marcy's mom i'd be right
back, and went on a quest for some plain nuts...ya know, peanuts, almonds...anything
not candy coated or drenched in chocolate...i wound up having to run out of the
theater and through the mall to find a vendor who sold nuts, bought them and ran
back (in the hot sun)...but hey, it seemed par for the course based on how the
day was going...
got back into line, marcy's mom (MM) had made friends with matt...a cute little
blonde boy who was there with his family...we talked to matt for about 40
minutes and then MM decided that she wanted to get some popcorn. so i waited,
and wouldn't ya know it, the minute she was in line for the popcorn, the theater
opened up and we were let in.
i grabbed us two seats at the back/top of the theater, right in the middle...finally,
something's going right...i settle into my comfy chair and wait for MM to get
back with the pc and sodas.
there was a seemingly normal, nice gentleman sitting in the seat next to MM....however,
mid way through the previews, she leans over to me and informs me that the man
is flossing.
he was FLOSSING HIS TEETH in the movie theater...wiping the floss on his leg
afterwards and dropping his used floss on the floor!
i think he flossed through the whole movie!
and midway through the picture, his lovely wife's cell phone rang (and rang, and
rang, and rang)...it was one of those customizable rings that plays a little
song. well, the song played twice, all the way through before she finally
figured out that it was her phone and turned it off...
floss man and phone lady were a perfect couple!
needless to say, the rest of the movie went on without incident, and it was
pretty good...i LOVED johnny depp, he is soooo pretty....i could watch him all
day. too bad he's not a girl!
all in all, it was a fun day, one of those "memory making" kinds of days...ya
know, twenty years from now, when we go to the moives, i can say, "hey, did you
remember to bring the floss?"
July 24,
2003 030724_11.
slightly sappy, but very wonderful well, "she" is back
from her summer abroad...i was really kind of nervous about the whole thing,
being that "she's" staying with me for the month of august (of which, i'll be
gone for most of)...
at any rate, i was worried. what would it be like, would it be uncomfortable?
would it be painful? would it bring back old feelings and old hurts (that
actually aren't that old, if truth be known)...
but all that worry was for naught. it's actually been kinda fun. we are
DEFINITELY not back together and there is no ambiguity about it. i want to be
single, "she" wants to be single...there are no underlying 'i want you back'
feelings on my part...it's all good.
we've actually been having some fun, joking and laughing and playing with the
doggies...i think cause the pressure is off...who knows.
and i'm leaving for michigan in 12 days for 3 blessed weeks! i can't wait to get
there and be on the land. i cannot wait! and i'll get to see my wonderful friend
and spend time with her...it's just all beautiful and peaches and cream (without
the cream....ya know, cause i'm vegan and all). ok, so maybe it's more like
peaches and soymilk...but somehow, that doesn't sound as nice.
i'm also on the precipice of a wonderful break through, but i'm not going to
elaborate until it comes to fruition. suffice it to say, i think i've finally
found my "calling" and i couldn't be more excited about it. but more to come
on that one later.
so my friends, in this perfect moment of absolute satisfaction and happiness....i
wish you all the absolute best and peace within yourselves. i have to really
embrace this moment and this feeling, cause ya know....times like this are
fleeting, that's just human nature!
July 28, 2003 030728_56.
it's still the same nose...only better Well, I
finally did it...I pierced my nostril. of course, I didn't pierce it myself, I
went to somatic body piercing (in Costa mesa) and Dave did it for me.
Before telling you about my piercing experience, I must say that I have wanted
to get this done for approximately 15 years and had never done it before cause I
was always very worried about what other people would think. (specifically my
parents. I’ve always "needed" their approval). I came to a place where finally
I just said, "fuck it", I’m a grown up, I’m a responsible human being, I’m 35
years old and it doesn't really matter what my parents have to say about what I
choose to do with my own body. it was a very liberating experience. to "give
myself permission" to be myself and make my own decisions regardless of what
the fallout will most definitely be. some people might call that selfish, but I
call it freedom and absolute liberation.
I spent a good part of the day at work on Thursday looking at pictures of
nostril piercings on BME and reading other people's experiences. I found it
extremely helpful and reassuring to find experiences by people who are my age
and had similar stumbling blocks to getting a visible facial piercing. I went
into the piercing shop on Thursday on my way home from work and had Luis mark my
nose so I could see where the placement would be should I decide to actually go
through with.
I also had him show me where he would pierce me if I were to get a septum
piercing. at that time, I wasn't sure if I would get my septum pierced or my
nostril. my thinking was that I could hide a septum piercing by flipping up the
retainer, and wouldn't have to deal with as much negative reaction, while the
nostril piercing would be right there for everyone to see.
While I was there, I bought myself a nice shiny new pair of 00 gauge double
flared flesh tunnels, to tide me over. I left somatic, thanked Luis and told him
I’d be back on Saturday for him to pierce my nostril (or septum). I then went to
my yoga class and meditated on the piercing.
By the end of the evening, I had decided on the nostril. it was the one I really
wanted and I no longer had any fear of having people see it. I was going to get
what I wanted, not what I didn't want.
The next day, Friday, I went to work as usual...and spent the entire day fucking
off and looking at pictures of nostril piercings on BME...on my way home from
work, I made up my mind that I didn't want to wait any longer and that Saturday
was just too damn far away, so I went straight to somatic.
Dave was there and remembered me from having been there before (that's always
such a nice feeling!). he was really wonderful, helped me pick a nice little 20
gauge nose screw with a peridot stone in it (my birthstone).
He took me back to the piercing room and explained the procedure step by step,
making sure I completely understood what was about to happen to me. he also
assured me that it really wouldn't hurt...I said, "but that's half the fun, isn't
it?"...he noticed my inner conch piercing and said, "if you can get your conch
pierced, you can certainly get your nostril pierced...it's not nearly as painful
as your conch". he also assured me that my conch had healed very nicely (it had
been pierced about 7 weeks before) and that if I could heal a conch piercing, I’d
have no trouble with my nose.
He then marked my nose and had me check to see if I liked where he put the mark,
of course, the placement was perfect. then he had me lay back down on the
piercing chair/table. he showed me the receiving tube and explained what he was
going to do again, told me to take a deep breath in and then let it out, when I
let out my breath, he would insert the needle.
So, on his count, I took in a deep breath, and then he told me to release my
breath and I let it all out. the needle went right through, I only felt a tiny
pinch. I laid there for a sec with the needle in my nose, and then he inserted
the jewelry and it was done. I noticed that the left side of my nose (where the
new piercing was) felt kind of numb. which was a nice bonus...and that was it...I
was all done.
I paid him and tipped him, he gave me some sea salt for soaking and I was out
the door. I was elated and am thrilled with the result.
Aside from that little pinch, it never hurt. I can't feel it, and quite frankly,
a couple of times have forgotten it is even there. I have to keep reminding
myself not to rub my nose or scratch it...ya know, like you would normally do if
your nose had an itch or something...(I’m not a chronic nose picker/toucher or
anything like that).
I love it and can't wait until it heals so I can get all kinds of new jewelry
for it.
July 30, 2003 030730_82.
it's my
party and i'll cry if i want to
July 30,
2003 030730_11.
welcome to the land of silly well, i'm leaving for michigan
in 5 days (not counting today) and i couldn't be more ready to be gone!
in fact, i'm already there in my head. it's been a bitch to pretend to look
legitimately busy at work while trying to hide the fact that i've been web
surfing all day long!
and on the academic front, i STILL have a hold on my registration because of the
stupid writing proficiency exam (which, as previously mentioned, i already took
and passed) and because of the incredibly ridiculous unbending rules of the cal
state university system, i'll have to take again.
it baffles me that the fact that i went to a year of an aba acredited law school
on a scholarship, (which means i had to do pretty well on my LSAT), not to
mention that i have a bachelors degree isn't enough for them to waive an
undergraduate writing test which "proves" that you are capable of stringing a
few sentences together and writing a coherent paragraph.
beaurocracy sucks.
July 31, 2003 030731_53.
a day in my life i am so excited for festival it's not even funny. i can't
manage to get anything of value done at work. which, if you really think about
it, is kind of pathetic...ya know? i mean, i'm a grown up, i should be able to
just buckle down and deal...but the fact that my job sucks and is completely
boring makes it very difficult.
ok, bitch session over....
i've decided that i drink far too much diet pepsi. i really should try to cut
back...but again, i don't really want to, so that too is a moot point.
can you tell that i really have nothing to say? i just kinda felt guilty about
not updating...i could post my results to one of those silly quizes, but i can't
find one that is even mildly entertaining...quality problems i s'pose.
and on the mother front...spoke to her today and had to endure a barrage of "oh
chnacat, please don't pierce anything else....it would absolutely kill me...i
can't take it...i would just die if you pierced anything on your face"...
she's gonna have a rude awakening when she sees me next...can i be prosecuted
for manslaughter if she keels over dead when she sees my nose? i'll have to ask
mulher about that.
i wish i could go one day without hearing from my mother what a disappointment i
am to her!
ya know, i was talking to a colleague at work today and she has a son in his
late 20's. she told me that he has tattoos and piercings and stuff...but she
loves him, cause he's her son. and that he's an adult and can do whatever he
wants with his own body, it's not her place to tell him what he can or can't do...
that was so refreshing, i wish i had a mom like that. really!!
August 02, 2003 030802_91.
out of the office gone to michigan...be back soon!
August 22, 2003 030822_32.
i'm
bored and tired, this is the best i could do
You Do It Like a Gay Girl
Even if you're not a girl's girl, you act like one.
You tend to form deep, long lasting loves -
And after you've gazed into one another's souls
The battery operated sex follows!
Straight or Gay? Guy or Girl? Who Do You Do it Like?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
...and, for some more sheer entertainment...here's my own personally designed
hell...
Republicans
Circle I Limbo
dickheads
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
haters
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
General asshats
Circle IV Rolling Weights
misogynists
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
River Styx
Uday Hussein, Qusay Hussein
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
River Phlegyas
Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein
Circle VII Burning Sands
white supremacists
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement
George Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice
Design your own hell
August 25, 2003 030825_35.
where i
was and where i'm headed So, I’ve been back home now for about 5 days. For
whatever reason, I’m having a really difficult time re-assimilating into regular
society. Being in Michigan, in all womyn’s space is so healing and wonderful.
There is a complete acceptance of all womyn and all bodies and all shapes. It is
so thrilling to feel a part of something so peaceful and amazing.
It’s almost difficult to write this at all. I’m having a hard time collecting my
thoughts. Being in the “real world”, I am faced with all this over stimulation
and everything coming at me at once. Too much noise, too many people, too much
media, not enough trees or dirt, not enough womyn, too much clothing - it’s all
very confusing.
Being able to just walk up to my friends (and any other womyn on the land) and
just have a conversation, a hug, comfortable silence, sharing a knowing look, it’s
so precious, so rare, and so beautiful. You take it for granted when you are
there, but when you are home, away from all that beauty, you feel a tremendous
void. I don’t even know how to really explain it so that it would make any sense
to anyone who hasn’t experienced it.
I’m happy to be home in a way, I missed my dogs and cats - my bed, my stuff - but I
might trade it all just to go back to the land. If there was a way to bring my
animals, I’d be there in a heartbeat.
It feels kind of like now I’m just biding my time until next august. I have to
find a way to turn all that energy into something positive, so I don’t waste the
year and all that I learned when I was at festival - but right now, it all seems
so jumbled and a bit overwhelming.
That’s all I can really say right now. I don’t have the words, just a bunch of
feelings, swirling around inside me and around me and I have to sort them out
before I can make any sense of them.
...and here, just for your entertainment
Eleanor Roosevelt! Nice to see you. A Roosevelt yourself, you married your fifth
cousin Franklin; despite the obvious incestuous overtones, your six kids were
happy and healthy. When Franklin got elected, you became perhaps the most
controversial first lady ever - you spoke out for the rights of women; for the
rights of the poor; for world peace. You were even a member of a union while
your husband was in office - and when he died, you were the head of the UN
Commission on Human Rights. All of which is pretty kick ass, but to top things
off you had a hot and steamy relationship with the lesbian journalist Lorena
Hickok, who was so madly in love with you that she halted her career for you.
Unfortunately, you couldn't give up your public life that easily - leaving her
heartbroken. Bitch.
Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
August
26, 2003 030826_17.
i'm hopeless i'm hopeless...i want my septum pierced. a
piercing that i used to think was so silly looking that now (for some reason) i
think is so beautiful.
and i'm up against so much opposition...despite the fact that i'd be able to
tuck it up and have it not be visible...well, not completely visible, cause i
have kind of "up" nostrils and you can see my septum really easily...but if i
have it pierced high, then i could probably tuck it high...
anyway, my mother told me that if i pierced my face, it would kill her (i've
been over that already) and now it's been done, so, she's already going to be
completly upset...
i don't have a girlfriend...so that shouldn't matter...but the womyn i love
might not like it and then where will i be...
i feel like i have to give it some thought, but the more i think about it, the
more i obsess about it and the more i want it until i'll find myself in the
piercing shop saying "just do it already".
i wish there was a way to magically see what it was going to look like before i
did it....but there's not. hmmm...i guess i could play around with photoshop...
i'm not sure if i'm doing all this piercing and tattooing because i'm running
away from something, or if i'm running to my true self....the more visible mod's,
the less socially acceptable. am i just trying to push the envelope to see how
far i can get before i'm completel rejected? i'm not sure of that either.
it's a conundrum, to say the least.
August 31, 2003 030831_62.
pro mod well, i did it (the septum thing) and i
couldn't be happier! the placement is such that it can be completely hidden...
and it's not so much that i want to show it off as it is that my knowing it's
there makes me happy...
i went so back and forth with it, should i, shouldn't i...everyone i asked was
adamantly against it. i heard comments like,
"you have such a cute face, why would you want to screw it up"
"i think they look stupid, like a bull with a ring through it's nose"
"looks like silver boogers hanging outta your nose"
"please don't"
and
"No!"
the thing is, and what i can't quite explain to people who don't have body mods,
is that it's more of a spiritual thing, a feeling of connection to my own body,
an ownership of sorts, feeling comfortable in my skin. now this makes me wonder,
if it is indeed mutilation, as so many people instist that it is, then why must
i mutilate myself to feel good in my own skin.
on the flip side of that, if it is enhancement (as i and many others believe
that it is) then that question answers itself.
i think that certain mods are very beautiful. they add an amazing element of art
and personal-ness. there are mods that i'm not crazy about, and i think they
look ok on some people, but they are not for me...and that's what makes body
modification so beautiful and individual. but i do feel a spiritual connection
to my tattoos and piercings, and the process by which i obtained them.
i can't explain it to people...it's like the abortion argument, you are either
pro life or pro choice...and there is no way to sway a pro lifer to the pro
choice side, just like you can't sway a pro choicer to the pro life side...same
thing with mods...you either are pro mod, or pro plain.
so i guess it's my own personal journey and my own body and my own opinion...and
i fuckin' love my mods, and i'm learning to love my skin too.
September 02, 2003 030902_2.
whir, whiz, bang, pow new day, nothing new to
report. still working on getting my ducks in a row. who knew that it would be so
difficult...they're just ducks, right?
i am so squirmy right now...it seems like nothing is happening (when i know that
behind the scenes, everything is happening) and it's so hard to just let stuff
go on behind the scenes without knowing what it is.
but i have to have faith that everything will work out in my own best interest.
in the mean time, i think i'll have to just chill out.
September 03, 2003 030903_84.
ha! i
knew it!
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
girlfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
places. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your girlfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
September 04, 2003 030904_68.
yeah,
and uh, yeah
Alicia Silverstone
Which Celeb Without Makeup are you? - Girls (INCLUDES GREAT FUNNY PICTURES!)
brought to you by Quizilla
You should be dating a Pisces.
19 February - 20 March
Your mate is loving and caring, trusting and
hospitable, and romantic. Though he/she can be
self-pitying, temperamental or dependent, the
fishes are quite romantic in bed.
What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla
i'll be taking applications...so all you fishies out there, feel free to submit!
September 05, 2003 030905_18.
to
vote, and if so, who to vote for Finally, an actuall candidate for governor of
the state of california that has something decent to say!
this whole recall thing is ridiculously silly and juvenile...but it looks like
it's going to happen, so why not vote for someone who shares my morals and
ideals. this womyn is young, and energized, she's intelligent and has well
thought out plans. she's got my vote.
September 09, 2003 030909_10.
tea
talk is brought to you by... i haven't been writing much lately. i feel like i've
been holding my breath waiting for things to happen. and i don't want to discuss
anything cause i don't want to jinx anything. there are a lot of really exciting
things on the horizon, but until i find out the why's and wherefore's, i don't
want to do anything to poison the well so to speak. i don't know if that makes
sense. suffice it to say, there will be a lot to write about soon enough.
and on a lighter note...i've decided that i really like tea. i did the
absolutely unthinkable and gave up coffee. now, any of you who actually know me,
(in a fleshy way, like in person and all) know that i couldn't live without my
coffee...it was the water of life. i could be stranded on a desert island, and
if i had coffee, i'd be ok. well, that ain't the case no mo...
i decided that i was completely dependant on it and i don't like that. being
dependant. i would make a pot of coffee in the morning and drink it. an entire
pot! i also have been eating completely raw lately (for almost a month now) and
i felt pure and healthy...and coffee is like poison in a way, all full of
chemicals and stimulants...even the organic stuff. so i decided that to be
completely healthy, i'd need to give up coffee and soda and artificial
sweeteners and the like. so i've been drinking tea. the first week was kinda
rough, headache, irritablity...ya know, generally how you feel before you have
your first cup of coffee. but now, i'm free!!! i don't drink a lot of tea, only
every once in awhile. i like to drink it cold, so i just put a couple of tea
bags in my nalgene and fill it up with hot water and let it cool...i sip on it
all day. lately, i've been mixing peach mate with raspberry green tea, very
yummy. however, my absolute favorite tea on the planet is peppermint. that is
manna from heaven. or rather, water with tea in it from heaven (being that i don't
eat any bread...i wouldn't likely be having any manna either).
no i realize that all this tea talk probably has you pretty enthused, so rather
than run the risk of overstimulating my audience, i'll bring this to an end.
September 16, 2003 030916_28.
upheaval well, it looks like it's all
happening. i applied for a job working at a GLBT group home in oakland, i got
the job...i've sent my rental application to the landlord at the place i want to
rent that will take me and my animals...and i'm still waiting to hear on a
couple of other things (acceptance to school, etc.)
i'm a little bit sketched out about it, but i'm also a lot excited about it (even
though it doesn't quite seem real yet) this is a huge step, i gigantic adventure.
i've never really done anything like this before and i'm scared. but it'll all
work out exactly the way it's supposed to and for my greatest good.
and i already have lots of friends in the bay area. so that's good.
i know it will all come together, but right now, it feels really scattered and
discombobulated.
September 24, 2003 030924_47.
a
peek into my head things are moving along. actually, they're really not much
further than they were before. i got the job, but i'm still waiting for a
starting date as well as paperwork from HR to sort of make it official.
i found a place to live, but still haven't heard from them as to whether or not
i'll be allowed to rent from them.
i got my ganesh tattoo finished, and added another Om to my collection. i think
i'm done, but i'm not sure, of course, i'm sure there will come a time when i
need another one. i'm thinking, maybe at the base of my neck, the kanji symbol
for peace or serenity, but that's not happening for a long time.
i'm having a garage sale this weekend. i'm hoping to sell a lot of stuff. i have
a lot of stuff to sell, appliances, books, videos, computer software, clothes,
furniture, old computers possibly a nice headboard for a king sized bed. if you
are anywhere near costa mesa, come by and buy my stuff...
now, about this place in the east bay. it's a one bedroom, w/ living room,
bathroom, and kitchen. there is access to a fenced yard and a private fenced
side yard with rear access from the apartment. it's got stained concrete
flooring and new appliances in the kitchen. i've only seen pictures, but from
the pics, it's really cute. right up my ally. i'm just scared that it'll be too
small or i'll hate it. i haven't seen it and i'm not sure if i'll be able to see
it until i move into it...i'm going totally on faith here. it's all seeming to
fall together, so i'm trusting the universe.
and speaking of things universal...my brother has been hanging out in my living
room, watching tv with my dogs. it's been strange, i'll be at my computer,
playing jt's blocks (the current bane of my existance) and i'll feel kevin there,
watching tv...on more than two occasions, i've felt him there so strong that i
almost started talking to him...now, this wouldn't be so unusual, except for the
fact that he's been dead for 14 years...
i have no doubt that he's actually there. and i know i should and could talk to
him...and he wasn't there last night, so maybe becuase i didn't talk to him, he
got mad and went away...i sure do miss him!
anyway, now i'm rambling, as i tend to do...so i'll stop.
October 02, 2003 031002_91.
you can't change your fate there's a lesson here
somewhere...i'm not sure what it is though.
i got a call from the hr department....they called to offer me a position. not
exactly the position they had offered me in the first place, but a position.
they offered me the position of childcare worker, that pays $10.63/hour.
not exactly the $30k a year i was originally offered...
not exactly the position i was originally offered...
needless to say, i'm a tad upset. i can't take that job, i'd have to be working
three jobs to make ends meet and i'm not going there.
and on the apartment front...i sent in my application and credit report. i told
them up front before i even started to show an interest in the place that i have
2 dogs and 3 cats...this was no problem, go ahead and apply....so i did.
then i got an email from one of the landlords..."you didn't tell me you had
cats too...i'm not sure if we want to rent to you with all those animals"...
well, yes i did tell you...but whatever.
they told me they wouldn't repost the ad on craigslist and intimated that they
would rent to me with no problems...
since they've received my application, they have stopped responding to my emails
and i haven't heard from them sins...
oh yeah, and the ad is reposted
so, it looks like everything has imploded all over me...i'm back to square one....
completely fucked...
can i tell you how much of a loser i feel like??
October 03, 2003 031003_90.
fuck em! i'm done wallowing. fuck em all.
whatever happened, happended for a reason. i'm not sure i absolutely believe
that something better is on it's way, but, but i'm done being depressed about it.
i'm going to find myself a decent job in the bay area, and get an apartment, and
move my ass up there...end of story.
and i'm going to ciis...come hell or high water...
that's that.
October 08, 2003 031008_83.
wisdom of the ages i'm really mad at the magic 8 ball right now.
first of all, you should know, the magic 8 ball never tells a lie. i've queried
it on more than a gazillion occurances, and it's NEVER wrong.
so, i asked the magic 8 ball about a week or so ago if i would be moving to
oakland and getting the job and the group home, and it said outlook not so good...and
then it wound up not happening.
i asked the 8 ball this morning if i would be moving to san francisco and if i'd
be getting into CIIS and it said better not tell you know, and ask again later.
why can't it give me an answer? better yet, why can't it give me the answer i
want?
i guess the old 8 ball knows what it's doing...but still man, i want answers and
i want them yesterday. (however, as stated above, i only want positive answers).
i don't think i could deal with another bout of profound disappointment. i think
that might just take me out. i mean, i know it's silly to think that way, but i
don't know...
anyway, i know it's been a while since i've updated, and i thought i ought to...
nothing new to report...just the same old stuff.
October 20, 2003 031020_10.
Dear God... i'm bored. but that's not news.
i'm also incredibly confused. i don't get why it's so difficult to find a job
and a place to live in the bay area. does that mean i'm not "meant" to go? or
does it just mean that it's hard to find a place to live and a job in th bay
area?
also, what the fuck am i supposed to be doing with my life and why is it that i
get so bored with everything i try? i'm taking this semester off from my msw
program, mostly cause i thought i'd be moved by now, and i'm faced with whether
or not i'm going to take any classes in the spring. but i'm not thrilled with
the msw program. i'm bored it think. and what if i don't get into the CIIS art
therapy program? and what if i do...will i get bored of that too?
why does it seem so easy for some people? i can't just muddle through something
if i'm not into it...i can't just finish something for the sake of finishing it
when i could be starting something else that holds more promise.
or maybe i'm just a big fucking loser...there's always that possibility (which
keeps looking more and more like it's the reality of things)
i actually got down on my knees (actually, i was on my knees with my face on the
ground, almost totally prone) in the shower this morning and prayed to God to
show me the way or give me a sign or something. now, mind you, this is not the
first time i've prayed to God to help me in this situation, but it is the first
time i've almost drowned while doing it.
i don't recommend putting your face down so that the water from the shower can
get up your nose when you are trying to talk to God, it's very distracting.
at any rate, i'm pretty sure i'll hear from God right around the same time i
hear back from all of the resumes i've sent out (which is never, if you are not
familiar with my special brand of sarcasm).
for now, i guess i'll keep sending out resumes and keep responding to ads on
craigslist and keep getting my hopes up only to have them smashed again and
again.
October 23, 2003 031023_29.
it's all greek to me
Athena
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
and, just for kicks, i borrowed this from the lovely one
Choose a band and answer only in song titles by that band: The Indigo Girls
Are you male or female? Sister
Describe yourself: Kid Fears
How do some people feel about you? Mystery
How do you feel about yourself? The Girl with the Weight of the World in Her
Hands
Describe your ex-girlfriend: Keeper of My Heart
Describe your current girlfriend: Ghost
Describe what you want to be: Love's Recovery
Describe your current mood: Strange Fire
Describe your friends: Power of Two
Share a few words of wisdom: Love Will Come to You
October 26, 2003 031026_92.
on the road again IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING! i got
a place to live! i'm moving to berkeley on the 15th of november.
i'm terrified. i'm excited. i'm incredibly nervous. i'm not quite sure how i'm
going to pull it off.
but i'm doing it!
you're the cutie! you look adorable just by sitting
there and doing absolutely nothing! boop boop
be doop!
What Pin Up girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
November 04,
2003 031104_85.
another version of me so true...so, so true...
Which Dyre Spirit Are You Most Like?
brought to you by Quizilla
November 07, 2003 031107_54.
the
meatrix don't live in ignorance any longer!
take the red pill
November 10, 2003
031110_57.
spinning, spinning, spinning i have so much shit running around
in my head. most of it self depricating and not very pleasant.
i am so scared of this move. i'm not sure why. i mean, i have always (ALWAYS)
wanted to live in the bay area, my dream is finally coming true. i know that the
animals will adjust...it'll be ok.
but i'm leaving my best friend (who also happens to be my ex and hopefully
future at some point in time) and i'm not sure why i'm doing it. i mean, we are
best friends, if nothing else ever comes of it, we are best friends. we have
great fun together. i would hope that someday, we could get back together and
have a family...but only time will tell about that. mean time, i'm out there
living my life...blah blah blah...
i don't want to stay here. i don't like it here...but here, i have a great
apartment with a huge yard, a job that pays well and familiarity. i'm moving to
a place where i don't have a job, i'm not that familiar w/ the area...and i'm
slowly but sure whittling away any savings that i had so that if i don't find a
job, within 2 months, i'll also be homeless...
i've been a wreck. i've been binge eating...i've gained 20 pounds, i had to go
buy new pants last night. i'm uncomfortable, i'm miserable, i'm FAT, and i don't
know how to stop this craziness....i keep giving myself permission to eat,
trying to be kind to myself so that i don't have to binge, but just have a
little bit of what i want...but it eventually spirals into a binge. i hate
myself. there is nothing short of absolute self detest (if that makes any sense).
i can't describe it...unless you have lived w/ a food addiction or an eating
disorder, you'll probably just say, "stop eating, give yourself a break"...but
it's not that simple.
i'm terrified that i won't be able to put a stop to this until i've gotten huge
again...and then i'll have to start all over. i can't let it get that far.
i have to get back to my raw regime...to start eating healthy again. ugh...
ok, enough of this ranting and raving. i'm a lunatic. anyone who has read this
far is now convinced that i'm a nut bag.
November 12, 2003 031112_66.
help me if you can! a public plea...
ok, i'm moving, you all know that...but i don't have a job yet.
SO
if anyone knows of anyone who is hiring in the san francisco bay area (including
the east bay, which would actually be better, cause that's where i live), please
pass the information on to me.
i am a very hard worker, capable...aw hell, i'll just post my resume...
EDUCATION
CSULB ñ MSW program (No longer attending)
Whittier Law School (No longer attending)
Chapman University ñ BA Liberal Studies 1991
EXPERIENCE
Liberty Information Management Solutions, Costa Mesa, CA ($41.6k per year)
Technical Support Specialist (09/02 ñ Present)
Technical support for the end users and resellers of the Liberty IMS software
application.
CIC Productions, Inc., Newport Beach, CA ($46.8k per year) Accounting and Office
Manager (02/02 ñ 07/02)
Responsible for all AP/AR and office management
Liberty Information Management Solutions, Costa Mesa, CA ($39.5k per year)
Training and Support Specialist (07/01 ñ 1/02)
Training of end users and resellers in Liberty IMS software application,
customer support
Human Resources Administrator and Accounting Assistant (01/01 ñ 07/01) Provided
administrative services including payroll, employee benefits, 401K
administration, credit union membership and travel
Executive Secretary (10/00 ñ 10/01) Assisted CEO with all corporate
correspondence and travel arrangements
Optum, Inc., Costa Mesa, CA ($42k per year) Senior Vendor Resources Coordinator
(1998 ñ 2000)
Managed licensing and compliance of all 3rd party software, maintained corporate
leases for computer equipment
Mardan Center of Educational Therapy, Irvine, CA ($15.00 per hour) Assistant
Teacher (1994 ñ 1997)
Taught special education, 3-5th grade and 9-12th grade, children with learning
disabilities and severe emotional disturbance, Conducted and facilitated
therapeutic group sessions.
COMPUTER SKILLS
Proficient in: MS Word, MS Excel, MS Access, MS Outlook, MS Project, MS
Powerpoint, MS Front Page, MS Publisher, Windows 98, Window 95, Windows 3.1
Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Pagemill, Adobe Acrobat, Peachtree Financials, Quickbooks
Financials, Navision Financials, FileMaker Pro, Web Publishing, Internet/Intranet
proficient, Lexis, Westlaw, Windows (95, 98, ME, NT), MacIntosh OS.
RECENT VOLUNTEER EXPERIENCE
Lambda Literary Foundation, Los Angeles, CA
Assisted with set up and presentation of the 2003 Lambda Literary Awards, May,
2003.
Morris Kight Memorial Service, Los Angeles, CA
Assisted with set up and presentation as well as organization of the Morris
Kight Memorial Service, January, 2003
AIDS Walk, Orange County, Irvine, CA
Assisted with set up and performed duties as shuttle captain as well as
assisting in some organization for the AIDS Walk, June, 2003.
Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), Los Angeles, CA
Assisted with the collection and delivery of used furniture and household
supplies for needy families.
December 06, 2003 031206_72.
state
of the union dubya is a Miserable Failure a project of old fashioned patriot
December 10, 2003 031210_76.
profound or mundane? you make the call i'm on hold. i'm waiting for chevron to
answer their customer service line so i can report a lost card. so, i'm on hold,
and i can faintly hear ravel's bolero in the background. it's cheesy and
scratchy and sounds like it's being piped in by radio from somewhere in siberia.
finally...an answer, human contact...or should i say "human contact"?
i spoke to this woman with a vaguely russian/asian sounding accent. she also
sounded like she was being piped in from siberia.
how can it be that there are robotic, strangely accented people doing a
moderately poor job of customer support when i can't find a job to save my life.
i'm not sure if there is any meaning to it...and if it's justice in someway, it's
undoubtedly poetic.
December 22, 2003
031223_26.
happy fucking christmas it's almost xmas!
i'm leaving tomorrow with my dogs to drive to my mom and dad's house. it's going
to be an 8 hour drive, but probably will end up being 9 cause i'll have to take
breaks for the dogs. i'm not really looking forward to it, but i promised my
parents i'd come home for christmas, and being the nice jewish family that we
are, christmas is very important, so i'm going.
i'm also going to ask them for a loan, cause since i've moved, i haven't found a
job yet and i'm completly broke and starting to freak out about it.
God willing, it'll be a decent experience. Fortunately, i only have to spend a
day with them, and then they are leaving to go skiing.
and God willing, after the holidays, i'll get a decent job and can stop being so
worried all the time. aside from the fact that when i worry i eat, and i don't
want to be the size of new hampshire, it will be nice to have something to do
and somewhere to go every day.
December 28, 2003 031228_98.
still
stuck so, i'm sitting here, watching girl interrupted, and it's the scene after
daisy hangs herself, and winnona's character is talking about how she feels
inside. how it hurts to smile, and how you hurt yourself on the outside to stop
the pain on the inside, and whoopie goldberg's character tells her to tell it
all to her doctor, so she can heal...and she tells winnona not to "drop anchor
here", meaning, don't make the hospital her final home, and i realized that i've
dropped anchor there. i'm still depressed. i still have intense self loathing. i
have no job. i'm not going anywhere with my life. the only difference is that i'm
not in a mental institution...per se...i'm more like in an institution of my own
making. i hurt so much inside, and i don't know how to stop hurting. i've done
endless hours of therapy and self help shit. i've gained and lost (and gained
again) hundreds of pounds...i've pierced, and tattooed, i've self medicated. i've
done it all, and nothing works. i'm stuck. i don't know how to get unstuck. and
sometimes, i feel like i'm going down. i don't want to die. but i don't know how
to live either.
January 09, 2004 040109_9.
fight, fight, fight!
chnacat
is a
Bone-Eating Fez Monkey
...with a Battle Rating of 6.2
To see if your Food-Eating Battle Monkey can
defeat chnacat, enter your name:
7:33 pm January 21, 2004 040121_15.
mindless distraction things are ok, pretty much the same. still looking for a
job. pray for me wontcha!
Good. You know your music. You should be able to
work at Championship Vinyl with Rob, Dick and
Barry
Do You Know Your Music (Sorry MTV Generation I Doubt You Can Handle This One)
brought to you by Quizilla
January 23, 2004 040123_77.
moo!
i am really starting to hate my life. i so very badly need a job. anything to
get me out of the house. i'm tired of taking money from my (extremely generous)
parents and i'm tired of having nothing to do...
February 06, 2004 040207_33.
you'd
hate me too! i hate my life. i do. i mean, i love my dogs and cats, i love
living in the bay area, i even love my job. but i hate my life. most of all, i
hate myself.
you know how "they" say that you can't control where your heart goes, you can't
pick who you'll fall in love with. well, it's true, and it sucks dick.
she left me a long time ago, and then she wanted to go to therapy (knowing full
well that i was still in love with her and having no intention of getting back
together)...therapy ended badly...and she made it perfectly clear that she didn't
want to be with me in that way, but oh what a great friend i was and didn't we
have so much fun together...
so, i moved...i decided to follow up on a lifelong dream and moved to the bay
area, to start over.
and then she says things to me like, "well, YOU moved, so of course now there
is no chance that we could get back together", implying that if i hadn't moved,
that there was a chance....which of course, we all know is a gigantic steaming
crock of shit.
and now, after talking every day since the move, and continuing to tell her how
much i love her....now, she tells me she's "dating" someone...so, how long was
that going on while i pretended that some day everything was going to be ok
between us?
i'm an idiot. i am...really. kidding myself, stringing myself along, not able to
move on cause she still has my heart. and continuing to let her stomp all over
it and giving it to her to mutilate and harm. i'm an idiot.
i'm an idiot cause i can't let go of her.
i'm an idiot cause i keep opening myself up to her for more pain.
i'm an idiot for ever believing her innuendo that there was hope for us.
and now i'm sitting here crying and feeling empty and hollow. and i still can't
wrench my heart from her...i don't know how to not be in love with her, and it's
killing me.
February 09, 2004 040209_24.
what
it was.... Mulher's New Year thingie:
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Moved to a new city far away from where I was
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next
year?
I don’t make them - cause I always break them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No new babies this year
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, a very close family friend.
5. What countries did you visit?
Only the vast open country of my warped and deluded brain.
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
Clarity, peace, a sense of well being.
7. What date(s) from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Typically, I don’t remember dates - which leaves me confused much of the time
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Moving away from my family -
9. What was your biggest failure?
Gaining 50 pounds
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No thank God!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Well, I don’t really think of it as buying - but getting Java, my min pin was
pretty great, and I did have to pay some money for him.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My daddy. He’s my greatest advocate and really stepped up to the plate for me
this year!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My mom - which is not unusual, and “her” - she really let me down in a lot of ways.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Moving and rent
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to festival (MWMF)
16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
Hmmm - I’m not sure on that one -
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? About the same
ii. thinner or fatter? MUCH fatter
iii. richer or poorer? About the same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Living
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eating
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Not sure yet
22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
No
23. How many one-night stands?
Zip, zero, zilch
24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Simpsons and Law and Order SVU
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is a pretty strong term - I don’t really hate anyone.
26. What was the best book you read?
Pathetically, I didn’t read last year
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Libby Kirkpatrick and Ellis
28. What did you want and get?
To move to the bay area
29. What did you want and not get?
“her” to come back to me
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Ok, this is going to sound silly - but the Pirates of the Carribean - Johnny Depp
could turn me straight - but only for him!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
36 and “she” took me out to lunch, my mom brought me balloons at work, and that
was pretty much it.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My mother becoming a different person, and some resolution with “her”
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
I’m a slob
34. What kept you sane?
My dogs and cats
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Angelina Jolie
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The “war”
37. Who did you miss?
Morgan’s mom, Rochelle, and “her”
38. Who was the best new person you met?
April, my pea!
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.
Those who don’t learn from the past are forced to keep repeating it until they
finally get it.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Someday I’ll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
February 14, 2004 040214_35.
yay
and yay i have a cool landlord!! he's letting me out of my lease cause he's
selling the building and he just gave me a glowing report to my (hopefully) new
landlord! he also told me that he'd give me back all my money from my deposit!!!
woo hooo!!
February 17, 2004 040217_27.
same
place, same thing i can't stand the thought of her being in love with someone
else and wanting to spend her life with another woman...it pisses me of and
leaves me feeling empty and scared and alone.
and yet, i know she doesn't want me...and i don't want to be where i'm not
wanted...and yet at the same time i do...which is completley fucked up.
i can't believe that it's been over a year and i'm still in the same exact
fucking place as i was when she left me (although, now she's with someone
entirely new).
i'm convinced that i'll be alone forever, cause i know that no one will ever
want me in that way...and i'd better get used to just being someone's friend,
cause that is my destiny.
i hate my destiny.
i sometimes wish i was dead. i know that my mother would probably be happier if
it was me rather than my brother who killed themselves 13 years ago...and i know
that i wouldn't be in so much pain right now if it had been me...but that is
neither here nor there really.
i just know that i'm pretty fucked up...and really, who wants to be with someone
who is this fucked up anyway?
February
19, 2004 040219_20.
so that's why i am the way i am
You are: ANNA COMNENA (1083-1153). Anna never
became Empress, which left her bitter and
disappointed. However, she was a brilliant
historian and writer-- and she achieved far
greater fame than any ruler as author of The
Alexiad, the story of her father's reign.
Which Byzantine Empress Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
and, try this on for size...these are the places i've been
create your own visited country map or write about it on the open travel guide
February 21, 2004 040221_95.
quiz-o-rama i have SO much to do in terms of
packing and getting all my shit together....i'm moving in a week and don't have
1/2 my stuff packed...and what am i doing?? taking quizes...very responsible!
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
February 24, 2004 040224_17.
uh-uh!
just not right! some quizes are just fuckin' wrong!
YOU ARE RULE 11!
You were designed to make sure that attorneys in
federal cases make reasonable inquiries into
fact or law before submitting pleadings,
motions, or other papers. You were a real
hardass in 1983, when you snuffed out all legal
creativity from federal proceedings and
embarassed well-meaning but overzealous
attorneys. You loosened up a bit in 1993, when
you began allowing plaintiffs to make
allegations in their complaints that are likely
to have evidenciary support after discovery,
and when you allowed a 21 day period for the
erring attorney to withdraw the errant motion.
Sure, you keep everything running on the up and
up, but it's clear that things would be a lot
more fun without you around.
Which Federal Rule of Civil Procedure Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
February 24, 2004 040224_18.
and
here we go ok, well...things are pretty much the same for me. packing, getting
ready to move AGAIN...what a major pain in the ass!
life is so confusing!
"she" has a new gf...and it's been so hard for me to deal with and so painful
to come to terms with, but i think i'm finally getting over "her". she pisses
me off now more than anything...and that's a good start.
and then there is this other womyn, we'll call her "sparkle"...she lives way
far away.
we met at festival, there was an immediate attraction, but because i was still
trying to get over "her" and because i had my head shoved firmly up my butt...i
didn't really get the chance to explore it.
and then, she came to visit me right before xmas, and still my head was lodged
where the sun don't shine, and i blew an opportunity.
so, she goes home, and tells me that she's gone on a date w/ someone (who,
coincidentally, i went to high school with) and i find myself feeling REALLY
jealous! so what do i do with this? where does this go??
well, fortunately, we chat online about it and i am able to express my feelings
a little bit to her. i like her. i like getting to know her. i really liked
hanging out with her and i want to do more of it...the problem is, she lives in
vermont!
so, aside from the fact that i'm a gazillion miles away from her...i think that
we could have a really nice realationship...so, what do i do with that??
it's sort of par for the course if you think about it. nothing in my life has
been easy thus far...this only makes perfect sense...right?
so, we'll see where this thing goes. for now, it's a budding ldr...which i've
never been fond of, but sparkle is different...so maybe this'll be different too.
February 26, 2004 040226_16.
pass
the dutchie According to Winnie the Pooh, everyone needs a thinking place. So,
while in my thinking place this morning (the shower), I was thinking about
medical marijuana, which brought me to the thought of preferred intake.
I know, when I was a heavy pot smoker, I preferred to use my favorite pipe to
get high - and of course, my favorite bong (chilled w/ ice in the water - very
refreshing). And that made me think about joints, and how we never really rolled
them, which made me wonder why we didn’t, cause I cannot tell you how many pipes
we lost at dead shows when they were confiscated on our way in - but that’s a
different tale altogether - so anyway, thinking about joints brought me to a
memory of my aunt rolling joints at every family holiday. She used to get a big
book or magazine and put it in her lap, and then expertly pick through the weed,
removing seeds and stems. Then she’d roll the joint deftly in her fingers and
voila, a perfect little spleef. They were always perfectly uniform, round, clean -
Of course, I was a kid, so I never got to partake in the little pot parties - and
I wasn’t even supposed to know about it, but how could you not with that smoke
and smell coming from the bedroom.
My aunt (a twin) was an avid pot smoker, still is - and so is her twin sister. It
was like the big family secret that wasn’t a secret. The white elephant in the
middle of the living room.
The only thing it taught me was that smoking pot must be ok, cause if my
favorite auntie did it - then how could it be bad.
And later, when I was a little bit older, she became my supplier (due to the
fact that she was able to get pounds at a time).
But that’s all ancient history now, cause I’ve been clean and sober for the past
8 years - I’m not romanticizing my drug use by any means - but it sure was fun to
think about this morning.
February 27, 2004 040227_42.
more
changes...when will it stop? ok, as you can see...i've changed things up a
little bit....i am not sure if i'm going to keep it this way, but for now, it is
what it is.
March 03, 2004 040303_74.
would you love me if i'm fat? so, a new house, a new diary, a new (or rather
revisited) way of eating...it's just like new years eve!
i started back on eating raw again, we'll see how it goes. i am desperate to
lose weight...and yet, i'm sitting here at my desk thinking about going down to
the food court and getting a veggie burger and fries.
food addiction is insidious, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. it's worse
than crack or heroine, cause you can completely stop using those...you have to
eat. try telling an alcoholic to have 3 sensible drinks a day and no more...
yeah...well, anyway, i'm completely wrapped up in sparkle girl and when i'm
going to see her again. i know i'll see her at festival, but that's not till
august. today i was even fantasizing about moving to her small town in vermont.
and i'm COMPLETELY worried about my best friend in oklahoma cause she is going
through some tremendous stress right now. i can't imagine how difficult it is
for her...and i feel entirely helpless to do anything to aleviate her pain.
what's a girl to do?
i guess i'll just pray for her. you can too ya know!
and on another very pleasant note, my mother wants to come visit me, but she
doesn't want to come see me if i'm fat. only if i'm thin. here's how it went (copied
from the chat session, spelling errors and all:
mother: do the cats also sleep with you
chnacat: they visit me in the night...but they only visit me on my side of the
bed...
mother: would you keep them out of the bedroom for the nights i was there
chnacat: i couldn't ...they would paw at the door
mother: oh, than i dont think i coiuld stay with you
chnacat: you could sleep on the fold out couch and i could keep them in the
bedroom at night
mother: i think i could handle the dogs but not the cats
chnacat: see above
mother: whats that like, have i seen it
chnacat: it's my couch..it's a foam couch, it folds open and makes a mattress
mother: is it comphy
chnacat: yesh
mother: do i get clean sheets
chnacat: it's comfy
chnacat: and yes, you get clean sheet
chnacat: s
chnacat: and a nice blanket
chnacat: it's very low though
mother: with hair on it or not (referring to cat hair)
chnacat: no hair
chnacat: geez mom, gimme a freakin' break
mother: how would you feel if i came up at the end of this month
chnacat: excellent
mother: or would i freek out cause of your weight
chnacat: that's up to you
mother: just being honest here
chnacat: i'm fat
mother: fat, like ****** or fat like *****
chnacat: and if you can't handle it then you shouldn't come
chnacat: i'm in between
mother: not fat like you were when you wore your greatful dead dresses, are you?
chnacat: but don't ever tell me you love me unconditionally
chnacat: cause clearly, you only love me when i'm not fat
mother: thats not true i love you all the time but that doeest mean
mother: i cant freak out abit
March 05, 2004 040305_30.
whoa
horsey...whoa! not much to say...still really missing sparkle girl and not quite
knowing what to do about that. there is nothing that i would dig more than to go
visit her in vermont...but i have NO money right now...so that isn't really an
option at this time.
other than that...having tremendous body issues. i'm going to start going back
to OA, cause i can't seem to get myself under control. i keep starting different
programs which last for about a day or two, then i go in search of another, and
i'm off the hook until the next book or powder or meal plan arrives...so i eat
crazy, and then i'm even more uncomfortable...i have never felt so completely
out of control when it came to food. i've always been able to get a hold of it
in the past and stay on a program. i've always been able to lose weight...but i've
always gained it back.
this is not a pretty picture. and i wind up hating myself and disassociating.
another unfortunate side effect of my self induced predicament is that i don't
want anyone to see me. i cannot express how ashamed i am and how disgusted i am
with myself. and i think about my sparkle girl...and wonder how it is that she
could have any good feelings about me at all...or maybe she's just remembering
what i looked like before and that's what she sees in her head when she thinks
of me. there is a certain part of me that is convinced that if she saw me now,
that it would be over for her...and that scares me and makes me keep a part of
myself back, so i can't get hurt...while at the same time, wanting to let myself
go and fall fully into her.
i'm supposed to go see a friend perform on sunday...and i'm terrified of seeing
her and her partner....what if they don't recognize me? what if they are
repulsed by me? part of me wants to hide in my house and not go, but i can't
miss this opportunity to see people that i've been missing a lot and won't see
again until august.
i wish i could just snap my fingers and be feeling ok...but we know that doesn't
work.
and if wishes were horses...how does that go??? if wishes were horses then
beggars would ride...
if my wishes were horses, then they'd have to empty the entire north american
continent to make room for all the ponies!
March 08, 2004 040308_70.
wooo hoooo! she's coming to see me!! she's coming
to see me!!!
i am one seriously happy penguin!
March
09, 2004 040309_32.
what to do, what to do... so, things are ok. i'm excited
about my sparkle coming, she'll be here in two days! i have no idea what we'll
do...there are things to do (aside from indoor activities)...there is the
anarchist book fair, and the exploratorium, and muir woods, and marin headlands
and all kinds of other stuff...
and...if this isn't the MOST pathetic thing in the world, i don't know what is
Wilma Flintstone
Who 's Your Inner Sexy Cartoon Chick ?
brought to you by Quizilla
March 11,
2004 040311_58.
here's the rub my shoulder hurts...bad. my insurance doesn't
kick in till the 1st, which means i have to wait almost 3 weeks till i can go to
a doctor. however, my great boss told me that the company would cover me for a
doctor visit (not to exceed $250.00) and after that, i'd be on my own.
here's the rub...
any doctors visit is going to be in excess of $500.00 because the x-rays alone
are $390.00.
so, pretty much, i'm fucked.
AND
i have not a penny to my name, cause i spent money on some cd's i ordered from
cd baby and pepermint thinking that i'd be getting paid on friday which would
mean that my paycheck would be in my account on thursday night...when really, we
aren't getting paid until monday, so now i have no money to spend this weekend
with sparkle.
i'm a world class fuck up...a world class fuck up with an injured shoulder.
if it weren't for my amazing friends who are goodness and light in my life, i'd
wonder what i did in my past life/lives to be receiving this punishing hell of
an existence.
ok, ok...it's not that bad...
but sometimes it feels that bad. sometimes it feels worse. sometimes it feels
pretty fucking hopeless to be perfectly honest.
i have friends who are struggling and working through things, and i hear them
talk about their problems and think, "wow, they are really having a hard time"
and it makes me feel ridiculous for being such a baby about my life...but it's
really painful to be me and i don't know how to just "snap out of it" or
change the way i think or do things differently. i keep slamming my head into
the same walls and can't seem to get past any of these terribly old and tired
issues. and i've tried therapy...all kinds of it...shit, i was in social work
school...i can self diagnose out of the DSM-IV-R...
but enough of this pity party...unless you are having a good time (which i'm not)
and reminder to self, next time i plan a pity party, bring better snacks!
March 15, 2004 040315_50.
too much,
too soon it’s amazing when you think you want something so badly, and then, when
you get it, you realize that you aren’t ready for it.
sparkle girl came for the weekend. i was all excited, i had visions of holding
hands, kissing, getting to know each other better. i didn’t really want to get
intimate...i didn’t think i was ready...and i wasn’t really sure how i felt
about her.
the last time she came to see me, i felt really uncomfortable and pretty much
wanted her to leave. i felt like my space was being invaded and encroached upon.
she was too close...too touchy...in a way, too “there”.
but then, when she was back in vermont, i started to really miss her and i just
figured that the reason i was so uncomfortable was because i was still getting
over “her” and pretty much still in love with “her”...
so, i thought i’d give it another shot...well actually, it really went like this.
we (sg and i) had been chatting on line, and being flirty and stuff. it was fun...safe...she
was far away. i even sent her flowers. but mostly i sent her flowers cause i
thought i should...not cause i felt like i really wanted to send her flowers.
then she comes up with this idea to use her mom’s frequent flyer miles to come
see me...she asked me if i wanted her to come, and i did...so she came.
i picked her up, i was really excited to see her...i felt kind of giddy...but
that didn’t last for very long cause she started to bug me. she really started
to grate on my nerves.
everything i said, she had a counter-comment about...like for example...my
shoulder was really hurting me for most of the weekend...and i’m right handed so
i’m always using my arm and shoulder to do stuff...which exacerbates the problem.
so i said, “i wish it was my left shoulder and not my right” and she said, “well,
if you’d hurt your left shoulder, then you would have been left handed...cause
the only reason you hurt it was because you were using your dominant side”...
that’s just an example, i can’t think of another one...but it was like
EVERYTHING i said, she had something to say about it.... and she was always
trying to touch me...
so, we went to the movies on saturday, and i mentioned to her that some of my
friends were ribbing me about the fact that i was gonna “get lucky” and i told
her that i wasn’t sure i wanted to get lucky, and that i wasn’t ready to have
sex with her...
and we were laying in bed on saturday night...and i just wanted to go to sleep...but
she started kissing me.... and she was saying how all she wanted to do was be
close to me and she sort of forced herself on me (i know, i could have stopped
her or said no...but i didn’t really know what to do) after, she kept saying “that’s
what i really wanted” ...and afterwards, i just felt icky. and just shut down....and
she stopped trying to touch me and kiss me.
i told her that it was just too much too soon, and that it really threw me for a
loop and i was just not ready. she said she was sorry.
so my thought was, well, you got what you wanted, but i certainly didn’t get
what i wanted....so i felt kind of resentful for the rest of the weekend...kinda
pissed.
and she’s leaving in an hour and i have to go home from work and take her to the
BART station...and i’m not sad to see her leave.
i think i want to be single for a long while.
March 16, 2004 040316_6.
another
lesson learned so, things are kind of hinky...the weekend w/ sg didn't go quite
as i had planned...i won't say more about that to protect her privacy, but
needless to say, i'm left feeling kinda weird.
one thing that i now know about myself is that i have a lot of healing to do
before i can even think about being in a relationship with anyone. i'm just not
ready. regardless of how much i like someone or what i feel for them.
but, i do think that i'm going to be ok. i mean, i don't feel like i'm falling
apart or anything. i just have a lot of inner work and soul searching to do.
this could take awhile!
March 18, 2004
040318_80.
the will to have will this whole weight thing is just about
driving me crazy. i have not been to one OA meeting. i have started about 4
diets in the past week and 1/2...
i've dabbled with the idea of fat acceptance, and just embracing myself even
though i'm huge...but i'm so uncomfortable, i don't think that's gonna work.
you would think that if a person was THAT uncomfortable, that they'd do
something about it...but for some reason (probably my own complete ineptitude) i
can't manage to stick to anything.
i'm obsessed with food, i'm possesed by food. i'm completely out of control. i
don't understand it. i used to be able to muster up such incredible will power
and stick to a diet come hell or high water. but i guess the idea that even if i
lose another 60 pounds (as i've done 3 times before), i'll most likely gain it
back and be in the same position that i'm in now is just too much to bear. i'm
weary of the whole thing. weary like i can't even explain.
i finally called a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, i'm praying to
God that she'll be able to help me. i don't know what she'll be able to do, but
i'm desperate. i wish i could just have my mouth wired shut and be done with it.
but i'd probably figure out some way to blend pizza or chips and salsa, or any
other "forbidden" food and then i'd just be fat with my teeth wired shut.
makes me think of that guy in the james bond movie with the metal teeth "jaws"
from the spy who loved me and moonraker...
anyway, i digress...
so, we'll see what happens w/ the therapist. i'm not completely un-hopeful...i
have my doubts at this point that anything will work.
on the other hand, maybe i'm just not ready...maybe i'll have that killer
willpower when i'm ready to do it...
who knows? certainly not me...
11:00 am
March 19, 2004 040319_4.
i know this to be true! i was writing to a friend
today...she's struggling with life and how she feels like she's completely
falling apart. here's what i wrote her...
it's a process....you have to totally deconstruct before you can reconstruct.
you are in the falling apart stage...i am to...we have to let go of all of our
old ideas about ourselves and life and who and what we are and are "supposed to
be" and reconstruct it all anew. stronger and better than before.
ok, now, that's probably one of the wisest things i've ever said. it's germain
to everything that i am going through in my life right now. especially with my
weight.
this is an opportunity for me to re-birth myself into the person i want to be...into
the person that i am. i don't know who that person is...she might even be a fat
girl...but whoever she is, she is going to be someone who loves herself
unconditionally.
i don't know why i know this...but i do...deep down...i know that it's probably
the most true thing i've ever known.
March 23, 2004 040323_91.
my mother is coming!
she's due here on friday night. i asked her to come because i miss her and i
want her to see my new place.
BUT, (there's always a but)
it's a double edged sword. she's gonna get here and start ragging me about my
weight, my tattoos, my hair, my piercings...
i'm sure we'll have fun. we always have fun to a degree...when she's able to
just let go and be silly and not rag on me. but then there's that judgmental
part of her that always kicks in eventually.
and she's going to want to go shopping at some point. an activity which i dread
when i am at a size in which i am uncomfortable. i don't really like shopping
when i'm thin either...but i like it even less when i'm fat.
we'll see. i'm hoping that it'll be fun. she is staying in a hotel, cause she's
not willing to stay with me and all the animals...so at least i'll have some
time without her to regroup.
it's always nice to come home to creatures that love you unconditionally...provided
you give them food and play ball with them occasionally.
also, i have my face to face interview w/ the school i'm trying to get into for
grad school tomorrow. i'm a little nervous to say the least. i'll let ya'll know
how it goes.
March 24, 2004 040324_11.
my work
likes me! i just got a certificat of achievement from my work along with a $150.00
gift certificate to a yummy restaurant in the city for doing a good job!
it's very nice to be rewarded for good work. i like it here!!!
March 26, 2004 040326_2.
as my
world turns so, my mother is due to arrive in about 10 hours. i'm ready. i asked
her to please promise me that she wouldn't utter a word about my weight, my
tattoos or piercings. we'll see if she can go a whole three days without saying
something disparaging.
i had my school interview. it went well, i guess. it was a group interview with
7 other womyn. i was probably the oldest one there by at least 5 years...but it
was ok. although, i felt a little old and out of place.
there were some very interesting womyn there. i hope they all get in so that i
can become friends with them and learn more about them. (i'm making the
assumption that i too will get admitted).
i'm a little concerned however, about my job. you see, CIIS frowns upon part
time study and apparently, their schedule is very random. it's a tiny school, so
it's not like there are several offerings of a class at different times. there
is one class, you take it when it's offered (along with all the other "one
classes" that you are required to take). the classes could be anytime, morning,
afternoon, evening...any day of the week.
SO
i'll have to wait and see A) if i get in and B) what my schedule will be like,
before i can go to my boss and break the news to him that i'll probably not be
able to work full time anymore.
one of two things could happen. he could say, "ok" and work out a schedule
with me (which is what i'm shooting for, and because he likes me, i'm hopefull).
or, he could fire me.
we shall see. if he fires me...i'm fucked.
on another note. having just moved, now i'm seeing all these places for rent for
cheaper than what i'm paying...but there is no way that i'm going to move again
unless i absolutely have to. i've already moved twice in a 5 month period. the
only thing that would force me to move would be if i get fired and don't have an
income with which i can pay my very expensive rent.
God willing, i won't have to think about that. God willing, i'll get accepted to
CIIS, and my boss will be flexible with me and not be interested in the time i
work, but with the money i bring in...
we shall see.
March 29, 2004 040329_57.
wahoo! my
mom came and we had a great tome! we made an agreement not to discuss anything
painful or uncomfortable, and we had a blast!
it was very refreshing!
March 31, 2004 040331_58.
no small
sacrifice ok, i'm COMPLETELY freaked out. i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow
morning for my shoulder.
for those of you unawares...i hurt my shoulder sometime w/in the last year...i'm
not even sure how i did it, but i think it was when i was doing a lot of heavy
lifting in michigan...
anyway, it's been hurting on and off for the better part of almost a year. and
lately, it's been a lot worse.
yesterday and today have been the worst pain that i've been in so far.
so, i was talking to a co-worker who had a torn rotator cuff...i described my
pain and symptoms to her and she said that hers were identical.
she had surgery and was out of work for 8 weeks. 8 WEEKS!!!
i can't be out of work period, let alone for 8 weeks!! i'm scared!!!
actually, scared doesn't quite cut it...i'm petrified! i can't lose this job!!!
April 02, 2004 040402_45.
and so,
like sands through the hourglass...these are the days of our lives (cue music...and...action!)
went to the doctor. had some xrays...got some blood drawn. i won't know anything
until thursday of next week. very frustrating.
and on another matter, a topic we shall call "beating a dead horse" i am SO
fucking uncomfortable. yet still not motivated to do something about it. i feel
like i'm posessed sometimes, like i'm completely not in control of myself. and i
waffle (w/ butter and syrup) about whether or not to go the whole fat acceptance
route, or fall victim to the insidious diet industry and their inane and
completely random beauty standards.
i think the choice is clear, but i just have to figure out a way to feel
comfortable in my skin.
i also mourn all of my cute clothes that i can't wear anymore, but i refuse to
get rid of them, cause what if i lose weight and can fit into them again. ugh.
and ugh.
well, happy friday one and all. may your weekend be filled with wonderful things!
which reminds me! i'm going on saturday to get my labret pierced! i'm pretty
excited. and on sunday, i'm going to look at a new car, a jeep. now, i don't
need a new car, by any stretch of the imagination, but i caught the new car bug
and it's way under my skin, so i'm going to check it out. the only way i'll do
it is if i can lower my car payment (yeah, that's what they all say).
bon soir!
April 05, 2004 040405_8.
looks like we made it! well, i got in! i got my acceptance letter on friday! i'm
going to CIIS!!!
i also got my labret pierced, and i didn't buy a jeep.
i'm a little concerned that i'll lose my job cause i won't be able to work full
time and i talked to my boss this morning and he said that if i was forced to
work 50%, then he'd probably have to let me go.
but, i also know that it's 4 months away, which gives me time to prove i'm
invaluable (they already like me).
i also have to have faith that everything works out the way it's supposed to and
that i'll be ok, no matter what.
but still, it sort of sends me into a panic, i've already been looking for a new,
cheap place to live, with roommates, and thinking of ways i could get out of my
lease and trying to figure out how to make my car payment with no job...
a little bit premature. i just need to chill out and take it one day at a time.
the universe and the God/Goddess force will take care of me as long as i do the
footwork. that's how it's always been in the past, i have no reason to believe
that it's going to change all of a sudden. right?
April 06, 2004 040406_13.
all in
good time my pretty....all in good time. i did it. i'm over "her". i actually
talked to her on the phone today with absolutely no longing for her and no
jealousy of her new gf.
i'm free!
i'm free!!!
it feels really good, ya know?
and i also had a sort of an epiphany this morning. i had to leave work to go to
trader joe's to get some sea salt (to soak my new piercing) and on the way back
to work, in the parking lot, there was this womyn. she crossed right in front of
me and sort of appologetically smiled for crossing right in front of me, and i
smiled back and motioned that it was ok.
she was cute! very cute, with a great smile. and she was what society would call
fat. not huge, but not small either. and i thought about what it would be like
to be with a womyn who was large.
and i wasn't repulsed, quite to the contrary...which made me think that there
have got to be womyn out there who might think the same thing about me and maybe
it's high time that i start loving my body regardless of it's size or shape.
which, as we all know very well, i'll probably have to remind myself of on a
regular basis.
but it's a start, no?
i guess if i can like myself for little moments at a time, then maybe i can work
up to a full time liking of the self...not to get ahead of myself, but i'm
inspired by the possibility.
8:03 am April 09, 2004 040409_48.
is it just me, or is it boring in here?? so, i'm on the clix list and i'm pretty
stoked because i'm in the top ten.
well, to be perfectly honest, the reason i'm in the top ten is because everytime
i go to my own diary, i click the right here button (over there on the left). i
really just wanted to be in the top ten. and i know that my rating is self
inflated, but, well, i guess it's an ego thing.
i mean, i don't think that there are that many people reading my diary. and i
don't think i'm that popular, or that interesting.
i guess that makes me a bit of a clix whore. oh well, another thing to deal with.
i 'spose i could go to therapy, or maybe a 12 step meeting (clix whores
annonymous?)
but that's another topic for another time.
the real reason that i'm writing is because yesterday...wait, i'll tell it in
story form.
once upon a time, yesterday, i was browsing some of the top ten clix diaries and
i came across this one, which i read...and then i read a couple more random
diaries and i realized that my diary is REALLY boring.
there's no sex. no fantasy. no nudity. nothing titilating whatsoever...
and this brought me to the following thoughts:
am i letting my readership down (however small that readership may be) by not
pandering to their libido? (not that anyone else's diary is pandering to anyone's
anything).
or is my diary an oasis of bland in a sea of erotica and sexual innuendo?
should i be telling my readers of my sexual fantasies and frequent masturbation?
(not that i masturbate frequently mind you, and even if i did, i wouldn't write
about it here)
or is my diary a bastion of family friendliness amongst a plethora of pornograpy.
would i be better served writing about my sexual exploits (or lack thereof)?
or should i stick to the ozzy and harriet-ness that has become my life?
i leave it to you dear reader. please let me know if you are somehow sated by
the insipid monotony that is my diary or if you need more tales of the flesh,
more sex, more bumping and grinding, more cumming and going, more hot, steamy,
sticky, passion.
oh, and while you are here, why not go here.
April 11, 2004 040411_58.
he is so beautiful, to me....can't you see?
ok, i've been having this weird reocurring dream that i'm being passionately
seduced and sexily kissed. it's nice...but the person doing the seducing and
kissing is a...dare i say it...man.
now, this may not seem strange to some of you, but i am a devout lesbian. i don't
like men in "that way"...i'm not attracted to them at all. i want NOTHING to
do with the penis in any of it's forms...ick, ick, ick.
there is only one man who i am attracted to and he is johnny depp
in fact, i'd go straight for him
i'd do just about anything for the man
i think that he is the most beautiful creature i've ever seen...although, then
there is the girl at the raw foods restaurant that we went to today for lunch,
she was pretty beautiful (and i told her so) but i digress.
i'm definitely a lesbian (although my mother wishes that i was bi-sexual cause
at least that way i'd be with a man some of the time...less embarassing for her
i guess)...but johnny depp does something for me...can't explain it, but he
makes my knees weak.
oh, and while you are here, why not go here.
April 12, 2004 040412_55.
i guess i was wrong. for some reason, i'm feeling
really lonely right now. maybe not lonely, but really alone.
i also feel like i'm sort of going under. i owe so much money (both to the irs
and to my parents) and with school starting in august, and knowing that i'm
probably going to have to look for a new part time job, i'm just a little scared.
i know that august is several months away, but right now, it's all very
overwhelming and looming above me.
and after my dad's comment to me the other night i'm just feeling really small
and alone and sad.
i guess i didn't share my dad's comment...so i might as well tell you now.
my parents had gone on a little mini vacation, and when they got home, i called
them to say hi.
this was just about the time i found out that i owe $2244.00 in taxes, so i was
joking with my mom that i'd have to go sell my body to make the money.
she put my dad on and i made the same joke, i asked "hey dad, how much do you
think i could get for my hot bod", and he said, "not too much from what i
understand from your mother".
now, the way he said it indicated that he wasn't joking. and my mother's excuse
was that they had just gotten home and he was tired.
it hurt me very deeply. more than very deeply. i cried and felt really shitty.
i wound up writing him a really heart-felt email about how i know he doesn't
understand or believe in eating disorders and that he thinks i should just go on
a diet...but it was more than that and that he hurt me deeply, that he didn't
understand the power of his words, etc.
i'm still waiting for him to appologize or say something to me, but i'm also
still really hurt and angry.
he's always been my greatest champion. letting me be me. my mom's always saying
that he's really like her and wishes i was different but he's just better at
keeping his mouth shut about it. i guess she's been right all along.
so, that's one of the reasons i'm feeling really alone i guess.
oh, and while you are here, why not go here.
April 14, 2004 040414_26.
acherontia atropos i went to see a new therapist
yesterday. her specialty is eating disorders. we did the whole introductory
thing, me telling her all the salient points of my childhood where things fell
apart or didn't happen the way they were "supposed to".
she empathized, she took notes, she made eye contact, she seemed intrigued, she
said she thought she could help me.
it's going to take a lot of work and introspection. i have a feeling that this
whole next year (starting with therapy and continuing with school) is going to
bring about a lot of changes in me. strengthening of my inner self, my core.
i'm hoping so, cause i feel like i've been stagnant for so long, it's time for a
big change. i feel like on the precipice of something big.
i need to learn how to nurture myself and to have some faith in myself. i need
self confidence instead of self loathing. with providence smiling down on me, i'll
emerge on the other side a more whole person.
so right now, i'm like an ugly caterpillar building a cocoon, eventually to
emerge as a beautiful butterfly with glorious wings.
although, with my luck, i'll come out as an acherontia atropos more commonly
knows as the death's head moth or something scary and ugly.
oh, and while you're here, you might as well go here.
April 15, 2004 040415_64.
make mine a double! sometimes i wish i could drink.
there are times when i'd really like to go out and tie one on. and there are
other times when i just want to sample all the micro-brews on the shelves at
whole foods cause all the bottles look so neat-o.
i'd like to be able to go to a bar with people after work or even by myself and
order one of those floofy drinks with the umbrella and an extra cherry. and sit
at the bar and get picked up by some fabulous babe who thinks i'm hot (even if
she's only seeing me through alcohol flavored glasses)
i'd like to go home after a hard day's work and have an ice cold shot of jaeger
and just enjoy the feeling.*
but, alas, i can't...cause i'm sober, and i don't do things to alter my reality
(in terms of drugs and alcohol...i haven't quite figured out the food thing yet)
so, all i can do is think about it every once in awhile and wish that i could...
not that i would, cause i wouldn't give up my sobriety for anything in the world...but
still.
and on a total side note altogether, i went to walgreen's today to buy some
candy for the office, cause the HR person keeps a candy dish in her office and
everyone goes in there and eats it...and i thought i should contribute, since i
take a lot of it...so anyway, i went to walgreen's and all their easter candy
was 75% off...and i actually found some good stuff, not just cheesy left-over
things that no one likes (like peeps for example).
so now we have reese's peanut butter eggs, and dove chocolate eggs, and mini
tootsie rolls to munch on. very exciting stuff.
i'm sure you are beyond thrilled.
*note, i've never had jaegermeister before, i got sober before it became popular
so i don't know what it would make me feel like
April 16, 2004 040416_49.
i want to thank you! i'm grateful. i was thinking
about it in the shower (my thinking place) and i decided to make a gratitude
list, so here are the things that i am grateful for (in no particular order):
1. my able body
2. my intelligence
3. my sense of humor
4. my dogs and cats
5. my family (however disfunctional it may be)
6. music
7. the simpsons
8. freedom of speech
9. freedom of choice
10. fleece
11. my big comfy bed
12. my friends
13. the ability to feel feelings and express them
14. coffee
15. tattoos
16. the fact that i have rhythm (i can dance)
17. my vocabulary
18. my education
19. my job
20. my home
21. my car
22. green
23. getting to live in the bay area
24. silliness
25. michigan womyn's music festival
26. the lesbian community
27. being able to know my grandma
28. diet pepsi
29. bill leigh
30. being well traveled
31. the ability to laugh at myself
32. snow
33. trees
34. mountains
35. crayons
36. my sobriety
37. growth that comes from frustration
38. tivo
39. solitude
40. a clear mind
of course there are many other things i'm grateful for, but a) i can't think of
them right now and b) there is only so much you can put in a list before it
starts to get ridiculous.
i'm mostly grateful that it's friday and i made it through another week.
April 18, 2004 040418_47.
if only. i'll be perfectly honest with you. i'm
lonely.
i'm afraid that i'll be alone for the rest of my life, a spinster lesbian,
forced to wander the earth in search of other spinster lesbians in search of a
partner that is always just beyond their grasp.
i know that if i want to meet people, i have to "get out there" but frankly,
the on-line dating thing kinda skeezes me out, and i don't go to bars, so i'm
not quite sure where or what "out there" really means.
perhaps, i'll meet someone while i'm in school...or maybe while riding the BART,
someone will catch my eye, or i'll catch theirs and magic will ensue?
or while shopping at whole foods (which btw, appears to be a lesbian paradise...filled
with cute dykes who work there) one of those afore mentioned dykes will think i'm
cute and talk to me...which hasn't happened thus far, but i'm still holding out
hope.
all nice scenarios in my head...but none of them seem to be coming to fruition.
although...i did forward one of those email chain letters promising that
everything in my life will fall into place and that my wildest dreams will come
true if i send it on to everyone i know...so we'll see...
April 20, 2004 040420_24.
oui oui!! do you ever feel like you've done this
all before? like maybe you're living a big dream. a joke of sorts.
or maybe that you are the main character in someone else's dream? not even real,
and as soon as they wake up, poof, you're gone!
i don't know, i have dreams and they seem SO real. and then i wake up, and they
stick with me. like they were almost more real than my waking life.
so maybe it IS the other way around. maybe my dreams are reality and reality is
the dream?!
if that's the case, then i must figure out why i keep "dreaming" about such
troublesome things and try to live in "reality".
ok, now that's just too confusing!
or maybe i should just become an anarchist and go underground. leave my name and
my social security number behind, stop paying taxes, live like a vagabond,
travel the world with my dogs and cats in tow.
we could go to paris, because my cat pierre speaks only french and i'm sure he
knows some people there that would help us get by. maybe even offer us work!
although, communicating this to pierre is going to be difficult, because i speak
no french whatsoever.
ok, so if there is anyone out there that speaks french, who can talk to my cat
pierre and have him set up some contacts for us in paris, let me know.
April 22, 2004 040422_57.
agree to disagree So, i had this conversation with
my very good and special friend the filmmaker...we were talking about the womyn
born womyn policy of the michigan womyn’s festival which states that you are
welcome to attend the festival if you are a womyn, living as a womyn, and born
as a womyn. That means no transgendered people of any kind. No one who was born
as a boy and learned that they were really a womyn inside and then went through
transition to become a womyn. No one who is currently transitioning. No one who
was born as a girl and then learned that they were really a man inside and then
went through transition to become a man. Only womyn who were born womyn (wbw)
and are currently still womyn.
There are lots and lots of people who are really against the policy and believe
that the festival should allow anyone who identifies as a womyn, regardless of
their birth gender. There are also tons of people equally supportive of the
policy. One of the arguments is that womyn who are subjected to the patriarchy
and don’t get to experience male privilege in society should have a place of
their own where they don’t need to worry about such things and can be free to do
and be who they want to be. The say that men, and womyn born men cannot
understand what it’s like to be a wbw and have never experienced what it is like
to be raised in a patriachy and subjected to oppression because of their gender.
I tend to agree with this.
There are lots of arguments on both sides of the fence. There is a group that is
very anti-wbw policy. They started their own camp, called camp trans and they
protest the festival, usually making a march through the festival or by playing
loud music late at night during the festival when most of us are sleeping. I’m
not really sure of what they do because i’ve never witnessed it first hand, i’ve
only heard the music from their late night dance parties on Saturday nights.
I tend to waffle back and forth between feeling like the wbw policy is outdated
and needs to have broader inclusion and feeling that we as womyn are entitled to
our own space. That we are entitled to invite whomever we want to our own party.
That we are entitled to NOT invite whomever we choose to not have at our own
party. That we don't have to explain ourselves to ANYONE. And that people who
blatantly break the rules and who can't seem to abide by a simple request by the
people throwing the party are rude and insensitive.
Lots of times, trans folk tell us (on the michigan discussion board) that they
have been to festival and no one knew that they were trans or not wbw...
To them i say, we are not impressed to hear how they got into the festival and (thought
that they) passed as a womyn.
And we are not impressed to hear about their blatant disregard for anyone else's
feelings.
They are the one’s that have to live with themselves. and hopefully, one day,
they'll see that what they did was wrong and selfish and that lying to other
people to prove a moot point doesn't do much for their karma.
It's definitely something that i'm going to have to spend more time pondering
and learning more about both sides of the issue...but for now, that's how i feel
about it.
i did however have a great discussion with my friend. She opened my eyes to
other possibilities and i think i opened hers as well.
It’s so nice to have good friends in your life. It really is!
and before i forget...like i could...i'm becoming a little too obsessed with
this lately...so if you wouldn't mind appeasing me by going here when you visit
my diary...i would be much obliged!
April 23, 2004 040423_35.
ahem....cough
cough...mi mi mi mi.....la la la la..... thank God it's friday. i cannot express
that enough. this has been one helluva long week. i'm not sure why that was the
case but it's been a doozy.
i would love it if i could just take an entire week off...just to sit around and
do nothing...lay around in my boxers and play spider solitaire.
but that's not how it is, so i'll bite the bullet and be a responsible adult and
go forward with my busy busy life.
yeah, right...
so anyway, i went to see catie curtis on wednesday at the freight and salvage
and she was AWESOME!!
julie wolf played keyboards and accordian and she was equally amazing!
and this great group called girly man opened for her and they blew me away! i
got one of their cd's and i'm loving it. i LOVE hearing new music that is really
good. the world of independent music is so alive with creativity and excitment.
it makes me wish that i had learned how to play the guitar or piano or something
so that i could be a part of it.
i always fantasize about being on stage performing. but you kinda have to be
able to back yourself up on some kind of instrument...no one really wants to see
you singing a capella on stage.
i mean, i think i have a pretty decent amount of vocal talent that i could be
entertaining (and not in a funny way), but i have no band and no guitar or piano
playing ability beyond basic chords or heart and soul...so i usually just tuck
that fantasy back into the dark recesses of my mind.
it's funny, when i think about what i REALLY want to do with my life, and if i'm
really honest with myself...it's singing and performing. but for whatever reason,
i'm not following my dream.
maybe it's because i don't think i could be successful enough to make a living
doing it...or maybe it's because i'm scared that i'm not as talented as i think
i am...i'm not sure.
sometimes i'll be in my house singing, and i'll think "shit, i'm good" and
other times, i'll be singing along in the car and hit a clunker or miss a note
and think, "shit, i'm lousy". depends on the day i guess. either that or how
warmed up i am.
anywho...for now, i'm going to get my masters in expressive arts therapy and who
knows what i'll do from there.
April 25,
2004 040425_92.
for your viewing pleasure Here are some pictures, for those
of you who are interested:
April 25, 2004 040425_63.
diversions well, it's sunday. i had a nice brunch w/ "her" sister and her gf.
i'm glad that i can still be friends with them even though "she" and i are no
longer together. we ate at a yummy place in oakland called mama's royal cafe.
good eggs and coffee and pancakes and toast...good food in general. and then,
later on in the afternoon, i went to 7-11 to get a soda and i discovered diet
pepsi slurpee! i've died and gone to heaven! nothing could be better. not one
thing i tell you! now if i could only get everything in my life to fall together
that beautifully, i'd have it made in the shade!
April 26, 2004 040426_98.
"i'm proud to be an american, cause at least i
know i'm free..." the top 10 reasons to be proud of being an american...or...things
our dumb president said"
10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." óLaCrosse,
Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." óGreater Nashua,
N.H., Jan. 27, 2000
8) "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't
here." óWaco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002
7) "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and
airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." óWashington, D.C., Oct. 3,
2001
6) "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy
test.'' óGeorge W. Bush, Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001
5) "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and
what I believe ó I believe what I believe is right." óRome, July 22, 2001
4) "There's an old saying in Tennessee ó I know it's in Texas, probably in
Tennessee ó that says, fool me once, shame on ó shame on you. Fool me ó you can't
get fooled again." óNashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
3) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." óSaginaw, Mich.,
Sept. 29, 2000
2) "They misunderestimated me." óBentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
1) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" óFlorence, S.C.,
Jan. 11, 2000
And other reasons to want to flee the country...
"Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She's a local
government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and
democracy." óGeorge W. Bush, citing Jahmi, who is a man, in a speech paying
tribute to women reformers during International Women's Week, Washington, D.C.,
March 12, 2004
"The march to war hurt the economy. Laura reminded me a while ago that remember
what was on the TV screens ó she calls me, 'George W.' ó 'George W.' I call her,
'First Lady.' No, anyway ó she said, we said, march to war on our TV screen." óGeorge
W. Bush, Bay Shore, New York, Mar. 11, 2004
"God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful
message that people who wonder about their future can hear." óGeorge W. Bush,
Los Angeles, Calif., March 3, 2004
"Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down,
basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off." óGeorge W. Bush,
Washington, D.C., Feb. 19, 2004
"The march to war affected the people's confidence. It's hard to make
investment. See, if you're a small business owner or a large business owner and
you're thinking about investing, you've got to be optimistic when you invest.
Except when you're marching to war, it's not a very optimistic thought, is it?
In other words, it's the opposite of optimistic when you're thinking you're
going to war." óGeorge W. Bush, Springfield, Mo., Feb. 9, 2004
"But the true strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of people
like Travis, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would
like to love themselves." óGeorge W. Bush, Springfield, Mo., Feb. 9, 2004
"In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences,
and if there isn't serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences." óGeorge
W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004
"There is no such thing necessarily in a dictatorial regime of iron-clad
absolutely solid evidence. The evidence I had was the best possible evidence
that he had a weapon." óGeorge W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004
"The recession started upon my arrival. It could have been ó some say February,
some say March, some speculate maybe earlier it started ó but nevertheless, it
happened as we showed up here. The attacks on our country affected our economy.
Corporate scandals affected the confidence of people and therefore affected the
economy. My decision on Iraq, this kind of march to war, affected the economy."
óGeorge W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004
"My views are one that speaks to freedom." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C.,
Jan. 29, 2004
"See, one of the interesting things in the Oval Office ó I love to bring people
into the Oval Office ó right around the corner from here ó and say, this is
where I office, but I want you to know the office is always bigger than the
person." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004
"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than ó I say more Muslims ó a
lot of Muslims have died ó I don't know the exact count ó at Istanbul. Look at
these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and
destruction because killers kill." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29,
2004
"Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy
level of our children are appalling." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan.
23, 2004
"Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter." óGeorge
W. Bush, advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, N.M.,
Jan. 22, 2004
"I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial
entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country." óGeorge
W. Bush, Washington, D.C. Jan. 14, 2004
"I was a prisoner too, but for bad reasons." óGeorge W. Bush, to Argentine
President Nestor Kirchner, on being told that all but one of the Argentine
delegates to a summit meeting were imprisoned during the military dictatorship,
Monterrey, Mexico, Jan. 13, 2004
"One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the
governor ó the president ó governor ó president. Oops. Ex-governor. I went to
Bethesda Naval Hospital to give a fellow a Purple Heart, and at the same moment
I watched himóget a Purple Heart for action in Iraq ó and at that same ó right
after I gave him the Purple Heart, he was sworn in as a citizen of the United
States ó a Mexican citizen, now a United States citizen." óGeorge W. Bush,
Washington, D.C., Jan. 9, 2004
"And if you're interested in the quality of education and you're paying
attention to what you hear at Laclede, why don't you volunteer? Why don't you
mentor a child how to read?" óGeorge W. Bush, St. Louis, Mo., Jan. 5, 2004
"So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a
great volunteer as well." óGeorge W. Bush, St. Louis, Mos., Jan. 5, 2004
"I want to remind you all that in order to fight and win the war, it requires
an expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops
to make sure that they're well-paid, well-trained, well-equipped." óGeorge W.
Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"See, without the tax relief package, there would have been a deficit, but
there wouldn't have been the commiserate ó not 'commiserate' ó the kick to our
economy that occurred as a result of the tax relief." óGeorge W. Bush,
Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"[T]he Iraqis need to be very much involved. They were the people that was
brutalized by this man." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"[T]he best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people
coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data."
óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"Justice was being delivered to a man who defied that gift from the Almighty to
the people of Iraq." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 15, 2003
"This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By
the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had
collapsed." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 6, 2003
"[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I
have to say." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 28, 2003
"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the ó the vast majority of
Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and
we will bring them to justice." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 27,
2003
"[W]hether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the
universal call to love a neighbor just like they'd like to be called themselves."
óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., October 8, 2003
"See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other.
Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." óGeorge W. Bush,
Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003
"Washington is a town where there's all kinds of allegations. You've heard much
of the allegations. And if people have got solid information, please come
forward with it. And that would be people inside the information who are the so-called
anonymous sources, or people outside the information ó outside the
administration." óGeorge W. Bush, Chicago, Sept. 30, 2003
"[W]e've had leaks out of the administrative branch, had leaks out of the
legislative branch, and out of the executive branch and the legislative branch,
and I've spoken out consistently against them, and I want to know who the
leakers are." óGeorge W. Bush, Chicago, Sept. 30, 2003
"Obviously, I pray every day there's less casualty." óGeorge W. Bush, Fort
Hood, Texas, April 11, 2004
"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I
rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the
news themselves." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003
"I'm so pleased to be able to say hello to Bill Scranton. He's one of the great
Pennsylvania political families." óGeorge W. Bush, Drexel Hill, Penn., Sept. 15,
2003
"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mom or a dad."
óGeorge W. Bush, Jacksonville, Florida, Sept. 9, 2003
"As Luce reminded me, he said, without data, without facts, without information,
the discussions about public education mean that a person is just another
opinion." óGeorge W. Bush, Jacksonville, Florida, Sept. 9, 2003
"I'm a follower of American politics." óGeorge W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Aug.
8, 2003
"[T]hat's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the
rhetoric." óGeorge W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003
"We had a good Cabinet meeting, talked about a lot of issues. Secretary of
State and Defense brought us up to date about our desires to spread freedom and
peace around the world." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 1, 2003
"Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace." óGeorge
W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 25, 2003
"Our country puts $1 billion a year up to help feed the hungry. And we're by
far the most generous nation in the world when it comes to that, and I'm proud
to report that. This isn't a contest of who's the most generous. I'm just
telling you as an aside. We're generous. We shouldn't be bragging about it. But
we are. We're very generous." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 16, 2003
"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go
to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in
freedom, helped change America." óGeorge W. Bush, Dakar, Senegal, July 8, 2003
"My answer is bring them on."óOn Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces, George
W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003
"You've also got to measure in order to begin to effect change that's just more
ó when there's more than talk, there's just actual ó a paradigm shift." óGeorge
W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 1, 2003
"I urge the leaders in Europe and around the world to take swift, decisive
action against terror groups such as Hamas, to cut off their funding, and to
support ó cut funding and support, as the United States has done." óGeorge W.
Bush, Washington, D.C., June 25, 2003
"Iran would be dangerous if they have a nuclear weapon." óGeorge W. Bush,
Washington, D.C., June 18, 2003
"Now, there are some who would like to rewrite historyórevisionist historians
is what I like to call them." óGeorge W. Bush, Elizabeth, N.J., June 16, 2003
"I am determined to keep the process on the road to peace." óGeorge W. Bush,
Washington, D.C., June 10, 2003
"The true strength of America happens when a neighbor loves a neighbor just
like they'd like to be loved themselves." óGeorge W. Bush, Elizabeth, N.J.,
June 16, 2003
"We are making steadfast progress." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 9,
2003
"I'm the master of low expectations." óGeorge W. Bush, aboard Air Force One,
June 4, 2003
"I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking
about myself, about why I do things." óGeorge W. Bush, aboard Air Force One,
June 4, 2003
"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was
very impressed by his grasp of finances." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C.,
May 29, 2003
"Oftentimes, we live in a processed world ó you know, people focus on the
process and not results." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003
"I've got very good relations with President Mubarak and Crown Prince Abdallah
and the King of Jordan, Gulf Coast countries." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C.,
May 29, 2003
"All up and down the different aspects of our society, we had meaningful
discussions. Not only in the Cabinet Room, but prior to this and after this day,
our secretaries, respective secretaries, will continue to interact to create the
conditions necessary for prosperity to reign." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C.,
May 19, 2003
"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just
because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." óGeorge
W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003
"We've had a great weekend here in the Land of the Enchanted." óGeorge W. Bush,
Albuquerque, N.M., May 12, 2003 (New Mexico's state nickname is "Land of
Enchantment")
"I think war is a dangerous place." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 7,
2003
"We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not
only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure." óGeorge W.
Bush, Crawford, Texas, May 3, 2003
"We've got hundreds of sites to exploit, looking for the chemical and
biological weapons that we know Saddam Hussein had prior to our entrance into
Iraq." óGeorge W. Bush, Santa Clara, Calif., May 2, 2003
"I don't bring God into my life to ó to, you know, kind of be a political
person." óGeorge W. Bush, interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One, April
24, 2003
"You're free. And freedom is beautiful. And, you know, it'll take time to
restore chaos and order ó order out of chaos. But we will." óGeorge W. Bush,
Washington, D.C., April 13, 2003
"Perhaps one way will be, if we use military force, in the post-Saddam Iraq the
U.N. will definitely need to have a role. And that way it can begin to get its
legs, legs of responsibility back." óGeorge W. Bush, the Azores, Portugal,
March 16, 2003
"Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting
with us. They are near retirement ó retiring ó in the process of retiring,
meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and
are retiring." óGeorge W. Bush, Alexandria, Va., Feb. 12, 2003
"[The Space Shuttle] Columbia carried in its payroll classroom experiments from
some of our students in America." óGeorge W. Bush, Bethesda, Md., Feb. 3, 2003
"And, most importantly, Alma Powell, secretary of Colin Powell, is with us." óGeorge
W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 30, 2003
"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam
Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
óGeorge W. Bush, Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003
"When Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted as a war
criminal." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 22, 2003
"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end." óGeorge W.
Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 8, 2003
April 27, 2004 040427_60.
hurry up!!!
hurry up!!!! ok, i LOVE living in the bay area...but i have to say that people
here CANNOT drive! they putter along. they don't care that other people behind
them have to get to work.
THEY DRIVE 55 ON THE FREEWAY!
now this might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but (as my cousin can
attest to), people in southern california drive an average of 70 mph on the
freeway.
when there is no traffic (which isn't often) you get where you are going. there
is no dawdling. there is no lagging behind someone who thinks they are on some
kind of a sightseeing tour. you go. you drive. you arrive at your destination in
a timely manner.
now this is what i'm used to. this is what enabled me to get up about 45 minutes
before i had to be anywhere, shower, feed the animals, make my lunch, and arrive
on time.
not so in the bay area. you need to factor in the looky loo drivers who are
looky loo-ing at nothing! i'd say that they drive like my grandma...but even she
drove faster.
and making faces at them, looking frustrated, and driving right up to them doesn't
do any good. they don't speed up. they just keep on keeping on. proceeding on
their little sunday drive...taking their own sweet time while i am sitting
behind them making faces and freaking out cause i'm late for work!
i know it's not good to get all worked up about driving. i know it would be
better if i could be more like them. but LA driving is engrained in my brain. it's
part of me, in my blood. as much as i hate southern california, i can't turn my
back on my heritage.
so i guess it's frustration on the freeway for me. i'll just have to get used to
it and hope and pray that i don't get road rage or something horrible like that.
April 28, 2004 040428_25.
power to
the people! screwed once again.
i'm going to have to do the debt consolidation thing (again) because my credit
card debt is out of control.
they are calling me at work and hassling me, not good. i'm just not able to make
the minimum payments. i've been making "good faith payments" of $25 and
sometimes $50 dollars...but since it isn't the minimum payment, they charge me a
fee and the fees are adding up and the minimum payments are getting higher and
it's just a vicious circle.
my credit is already fucked up anyway, so how much worse could it get. i just
want to get my credit card debt paid off before i have to start paying back
student loans (and that's gonna SUCK!)
maybe i could sell my old wedding dress...this guy seems to be a doing ok
selling his...
who knows. i wish we could just live in a barter society and not have to worry
about money. people would get their needs met and get the things that the
required to live comfortably. food, water, shelter, medical attention would all
be free or bartered for. no one would be hungry or homeless. it'd be great.
i had this thought that i'd run from president on that type of platform.
actually, my platform would be free bottled drinking water for everyone. this
thought came after i went into a liquor store on telegraph ave and bought a
water for a buck seventy five.
it was blasted hot outside and i was bordering on dehydration...so i bought the
expensive water, and drank it...and then thought of all the homeless and needy
people that hang out on telegraph and decided that there should be free bottled
water stands on every corner, cause no one should not have their basic needs met
on a regular basis.
that thought blossomed into free food and shelter for the needy, which became
the idea of running for president on the free stuff platform.
i wouldn't win, but i might get some people thinking about taking better care of
their brethren (and sistren).
so, would you vote for me if i ran?
i'm not sure if it's too late to mount a campaign, but if someone wanted to be
my campaign manager and someone else wanted to fund the campaign...then i think
we could do it. whaddaya think??
April
29, 2004 040429_36.
i've finally figured it out. (yeah, right!) one of my
favorite quotes is,
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau
ok, here is my interpretation of the quote as evidenced by how i've lived thus
far,
"Go trepidationsly in the direction of your dreams, realize that it isn't your
dream after all...switch directions...decide that the direction that you
switched to isn't your dream either, switch directions again...be afraid to move
forward...stagnate...stew try to figure out who you are...fail...get depressed...
settle...decide not to settle... go to therapy...feel lost... and flounder."
why can't i be more decisive? well, actually, decisive isn't really the word. i've
made plenty of decisions (most of them bad). i think what i'm looking for is
tenacious. no, not really tenacious, i'm plenty tenacious...hmmm...i'm not sure....
oh, i know!!
why can't i be more adult! instead of being so juvenile in my decision making.
adults do what is practical and what is right instead of floundering around like
a fish out of water. they make decisions and stick to them. they do what is
expected of them and take care of business and they sacrifice fun for
responsibility.
on second thought, maybe i'm glad i'm not so adult.
April 30, 2004 040430_2.
a walk down memory lane this was borrowed from my
friend
Where were you??
When Mt. St. Helens blew (05/18/1980)
I was 12 in 8th grade. We watched it on the news in class
When the space shuttle Challenger exploded (01/28/1986)
I was 19, in college. I remember hearing about it in school and then watching it
on tv over and over again.
When the 7.1 earthquake hit San Francisco (10/07/1989)
I was 22 in my living room. it was evening, we were watching the collapse of the
880 freeway and the bay bridge and we were in a panick cause all our friends
lived in the bay area and we couldn't get throught to them on the phone to make
sure they were ok.
When the Berlin Wall fell (11/07/1989)
Also 22, in college. there was a lot of hubub about it on campus, how communism
was over and how great it was going to be. people were talking about getting a
piece of the wall.
When the Gulf War began (01/16/1991)
I was 23, in my living room (different living room) watching the start of the
war on tv and feeling really scared that somehow, the war would come to the US
and affect our way of life. I pictured the bombings of england and how people
had to paint their windows black.
When OJ Simpson was chased in his White Bronco (06/17/1994)
26 years old. I was about 30 miles ahead of him on the 5 freeway going to see
the grateful dead in oakland. We listened to it on the radio until we lost the
signal. it was completely surreal.
When the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City was bombed (4/19/1995)
I was 27, i honestly don't remember where i was when i heard. but i was
mesmerized by the news coverage of it and how they kept showing the firemen
taking little kids and babies out of the rubble.
When Princess Di was killed (8/31/1997)
4 days after my 30th birthday. my mom and i were in san francisco, staying at
the st. francis hotel. we were about to go out to dinner with my cousin to
celebrate my birthday when it came on the news. it was incredibly sad and i
couldn't believe it was real for a long time.
When the shooting at Columbine occured (04/25/1999)
I was 31. i don't remember where i was actually but it was horrifying news.
again, i watched it on tv (the seige and the aftermath)
When Bush was first announced President (11/07/2000)
i was 33 and i was terrified that he would destroy our nation. looks like i wasn't
too far off the mark.
When terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center (09/11/2001)
34 years old. i heard it on the radio on the way to work. when i got to work,
people were watching it on tv. i remember feeling so scared and so sad. our boss
insisted that we turn off the tv and radios and get back to work (while everyone
else in the country was sent home) and i remember thinking how heartless it was
that he expected us to make sales calls to people on such a tragic day.
When Columbia disintegrated during re-entry over Texas. (02/01/2003)
i was 34 and i initially thought that they were showing old footage from the
last shuttle disaster. it took me a minute to realize that it was just happening
(again). i think i was in shock about it cause i don't remember it affecting me
much and i didn't hear many people talking about it.
May 01, 2004 040501_88.
hey baby, i
like your orange pants ok, it's saturday. and i'm sitting here at home doing
pretty much nothing, which is what i've been doing all day.
here's how the day's gone so far:
dogs woke me up at about 7:30, got up, let them out to pee and fed them, messed
around on the computer for awhile, took some laundry down to the garage but the
machine was full, left laundry in garage and went back to sleep around 8.
woke up again at 11:59, let the dogs out, cleaned up the house a little bit,
went to pet food express and safeway, bought cat food, litter, natures miracle,
bleach, and cleaning spray, also was going to buy some dishwasher detergent but
realized when i got home that i put it in someone else's cart, had a snack and a
soda, watched tv, played around on the computer, cleaned up a little bit more,
went back to sleep at 3:00.
woke up again at 5:30, fed the dogs and cats, cleaned up the kitchen, messed
around on the computer, had some water, and added to my diary.
and here i am. it's 5:57 and i'm bored and feeling incredibly lonely.
i know, i know...how can i expect to meet people if i'm sleeping all the time!
i'm lonely, but for some reason, i'm not interested in going out to places and
hanging out.
there is this "labor of love" festival tomorrow at a park in berkeley. i think
i'm going to go check it out. it's some hare krishna thing. i saw them on
telegraph yesterday chanting and handing out flyers for this festival. i've
always been so drawn to them for some reason. i'm not sure if it's there serene
look, or their orange pants. when i was 18 or so, i contemplated joining their
temple...but i didn't (probably because my parents would have been pissed and i
didn't want to deal with the hassle).
anyway, it's from 11 to 5, so i think i'm going to go check it out. maybe i'll
meet some serene, orange pant wearing, lesbian, krishna chick who wants to be my
friend.
and i'm going to this poetry, spoken word thing on sunday night called kvetch in
the city with my friend and her roommate. should be interesting. i hope i'm home
at a decent hour so i can get enough sleep.
oy vey!
May 03, 2004 040503_98.
oh
i wish i were an oscar meyer weiner...no, that's not it....oh i wish i had a
hundred thousand dollars! well, the hare krishna fair was a bust. it was
supposed to start at 11:00 and by 12:45, they were still trying to set it up. i
was bummed cause i kinda wanted to see what it was all about, but oh well.
i wound up cleaning some more and hanging out with my doggies.
i got to go to dinner with my friend the film maker. she was having some
roommate troubles and needed to get out of the house, and i was feeling lonely
and needed to get out of the house, so we went to raleigh's and had yummy salads.
she's really a great friend, i'm lucky to have her.
i'm REALLY jonesing for some more ink! i have these 2 designs that i'm
absolutely in love with, i just have to find the money to get them done. which
is problematic, cause i'm having to get an advance on my next paycheck just to
buy groceries this month. i wish that it would either rain money for just a
couple of hours, or someone would just send me a gigantic check for about 50k.
that would be so nice. i'd be able to pay off all my debt, get my tattoos, have
my house professionally cleaned, get the animals professionally groomed, and
still have a ton of money left over to sit in my bank account for a rainy day.
so, if there's anyone out there who has $50,000.00 burning a hole in their
pocket, you can always send it to me and know that i would put the money to good
use. you don't have to decide now. just keep me in mind when you're writing
checks.
OR!!
if i could get fifty thousand of you all to each send me a dollar...that might
work too!
hmmm...something to ponder. i mean, that guy and his ex wife's wedding dress got
national coverage...maybe some news mogul will read my diary and put me on larry
king and then everyone'll start sending me dollars...
ok, ok, back to reality, it's been fun, but i'd better at least look like i'm
doing some work so i don't lose my job!
May 04, 2004 040504_26.
uh, yeah, and then she's all like totally! i'm tired.
long day at work. too long of a day to get home to find that java had peed..and
somebody barfed. expo had dried cat litter on her back, which means she was in
the cat box...oh, she's throwing up now...
ok, cleaned that up, what's next?
i realize that this is their house, the animals...i just stay here at night and
pay the rent. i'm like their live in maid. must be nice.
anyway, nothing exciting to write about. i had an AMAZING month at work last
month and my commission is going to be monster! (ok, well, not really monster,
but nothing to sneeze at either)
i'll be able to get some bills paid and save some for books for school. it's
really good, but now i'm worried that i won't be able to do as well this month
and my boss'll think i'm a flash in the pan.
that's a funny turn of phrase if you think about it..."flash in the pan"...
come to thing of it, turn of phrase is pretty weird too.
for the rest of this entry, i will speak only in coloquialisms.
so, wazz-up? howzit hangin'? i'm really into checking this lately to see where i'm
at. i'm like, totally obsessed with being in the top five. it's way cool. it
makes me feel a part of.
ok, that's exhausting. american idiom section is ovaaaaah!
well, after that iron chef reference and my incessant rambling, i'd better go
find something constructive to do.
May 06, 2004 040506_82.
no, don't
eat that...it'll make you fat! i’m scared. i’m having such a difficult time with
food and weight. i started therapy, but since i can only afford to go every
other week, i think progress is going to be slow.
i’ve never been as heavy as i am right now. and i’m growing out of my clothes. i’ve
never worn a size 18 before. and now i find myself needing to buy size 18 pants.
everyone else in the world would tell me to just go on a diet. but i know that
diets don’t work. i know it’s a lifestyle change. i’ve made a lifestyle change
more times than i can count on two hands and lost the weight and kept it off for
a year or two...but eventually, seemingly out of nowhere, the binging starts and
i’m out of control.
i don’t want to go on another diet only to be right back where i am right now. i
know i need to get to the bottom of why i eat for comfort. i know that it’s
because i wasn’t nurtured as a kid. i know it’s because of my horrendous self
esteem (or complete and utter lack thereof) that is a result of how i was
attended to as a little kid. i know that i have to learn to nurture myself and
that eventually, the weight will come off and i’ll return to a normal weight for
my body...but right now i’m just scared.
there is this whole process that you are supposed to go through where you
legalize every food...so you don’t feel any kind of deprivation after years and
years of depriving yourself of certain foods. and eventually, you begin to
realize that since all foods are legal, you don’t have to eat 4 pounds of
chocolate in one sitting, you can have chocolate whenever you want it.
you don’t have to hoard food or hide food and eat secretly. you just eat. and
then, after that phase, you start listening to your body and eating what you
body is asking for. presumably that is a healthy balanced diet including an
occasional cookie or 3. and then, naturally, you lose the extra weight and you
eat like a regular person and food doesn’t consume all your waking hours and all
of your brain capacity.
well, i guess i’m still in the legalization of all foods phase, cause i still
get panicky if i see i’m running out of cookies or there aren’t enough sundrops
(the “healthier alternative to m&m’s) to last through the week. i still feel
anxiety when i finish my dinner...if i’m full, how am i gonna have dessert???
i know i have a lot of work to do on myself and on my body. the other day, i had
a little twinge of wanting to exercise a little....but it went away.
i’m so uncomfortable in my skin (and my jeans), but apparently that discomfort
isn’t enough to motivate me to stop eating like a fucking cow.
and i hate myself with such a passion. i can’t even look at my body in the
mirror, i get repulsed and disgusted. sometimes i just want to throw myself in
front of the BART...but i know that wouldn’t solve anything, and more
importantly, my animals wouldn’t be properly taken care of.
i’m not trying to garner pity...or anything like that...i’m just expressing what
is locked up inside me, hoping that if i can get it out of my head and onto
paper, that i’ll stop feeling so crappy and perseverating on all of this. And i
realize that i’ve written about all of this before, but i have a lot of self
hatred, so this is going to take a lot of writing about.
May 07, 2004 040507_91.
everything'll
be all right! this catie curtis song pretty well sums things up for me.
i realize that i have to be kinder to myself and relax and let things happen. i
don't have to live up to anyone's standards but my own. i don't have to make
anyone happy if it means not being true to myself.
i have to be accountable, and honest, and considerate, and kind. i don't have to
beat myself up because i'm fat. i don't have to go on another diet. i don't have
to be anyone but myself.
Patience by Catie Curtis:
I spent all day yesterday watching the grass grow.
What i learned is that grass really grows slow
Now i'm hanging around trying to get inspired
Punch a hole in my cage and i reach out blind
She said have patience, everything will be all right
Have patience, give it just a little time, everything will be all right
I spent all day yesterday sitting at a red light
'Cause she told me to give it just a little more time
And i lost my car in a parking lot
Bought a newspaper and i decided to walk
She said have patience, everything will be all right
Have patience, give it just a little time, everything will be all right.
I spent all day yesterday listening to the church bells ring
It must have been a sunday, i could hear the choir sing
And down in the graveyard they're listening to the underground
They're the only ones ever learned to calm down
patience, everything will be all right
have patience, give it just a little time,
everything will be all right
everything will be all right
everything will be all right
May 09, 2004 040509_42.
i can quit
anytime. i just play cause i like it. have you ever been to one of those public
restrooms where there is a little sheet of paper by the door where the people
who clean the bathroom are supposed to check off when they cleaned? you know,
they put their initials, what time they cleaned the bathroom, and any notes so
that they can be held accountable when someone goes into the bathroom and slips
in a gigantic puddle of water, breaks a bone and sues the company. or perhaps of
lesser importance, so that their manager can make sure they are doing their job.
have you seen those??
well, i’ve decided that i need to get some little tiny ones printed for the cat
boxes. cause clearly, my main purpose in life is to keep the cat bathrooms clean.
if i don’t, they punish me by peeing anywhere they please (usually on a favorite
article of clothing or my pillow or something of that nature). so i decided that
perhaps it will keep me more honest and force me to do it more often. i mean, i
clean the cat bathrooms once in the morning and once at night, but perhaps that
isn’t enough for them. i’m going to get a few of those sign in sheets and see if
it works. of course, i’ll have to have them laminated - and find a little tiny cat
sized dry erase marker to write on them with - and while i’m at it, i might as
well put a little suggestion box in there, in case there is something that i’m
doing that they don’t like - .hmmm - i wonder where i can get little tiny cat sized
suggestion cards - ..
and on a much more serious note, i’d like to discuss the highly addictive
properties of spider solitaire. there should be a warning label or instructions
somewhere telling of the insipid way that one becomes addicted to the game. they
should be held accountable for the hours and hours wasted by people who can’t
tear themselves away from the stupid game when there are plenty of other more
important things that need doing.
bill gates himself should be forced to open a free rehabilitation center where
people can gently be weaned off the game as well as receiving a nice cash
settlement for all of their wasted time.
of course, i myself don’t have a problem pushing my chair away from the computer
and going out with friends, or feeding the animals, or going to work, or
sleeping. i can quit anytime. i’m not addicted. i just have concern for other
people who might be.
May 10, 2004
040510_69.
the ship is sinking, everybody off...even the rats! one always
hopes that their life progresses forward. that perhaps, if one kept a diary or
journal, they could look back at past writings and see how far they had grown.
one hopes that when they reach a certain point in their life, things fall into
place and one feels at ease with the choices one's made.
i am not one.
i am more fucked up now than ever. it seems that my life just keeps getting
worse and worse based on the bad choices that i've made along the way.
currently, i've been threatened with a law suit because i owe $4000.00 to the
vet and haven't paid them since december. i owe the government $2000.00 in taxes.
i owe my parents $10,000.00 which they loaned me when i was having a tough time
finding a job and making ends meet. i owe various credit cards different sums.
clearly i cannot be trusted with money.
i moved up to the bay area to go to school. to get my masters degree in
expressive arts therapy. i worked hard to get into school. i thought that this
was exactly what i wanted. now i'm faced with the fact that i probably can't go
to school because i owe so much money and can't afford not to work full time.
not to mention the student loans i would incur in the process.
to say i am devastated does not fully encompass my true feelings. to say that i
am disappointed in myself, in life, and in everything barely scratches the
surface.
i feel lost. i feel like i'm drowning. i feel like it is barely worth it to keep
on breathing. and if it weren't for my animals, i might not continue to breathe.
i'm fat. i'm alone. i'm in debt up to my eyeballs. i'm scared. i'm sad.
i'm going to have to tell school that i'm not going to attend this year. they do
not defer admissions, which means that if i manage to pay off some of my debt
and can go to school next year, i'll have to reapply. i'll have to take the GRE
again, cause my GRE scores are old and they're only good until 2005. i'll have
to write new essays. i'll have to find 3 new people who are willing to write me
reference letters. 2 academic and 1 professional. i'm not sure where i would go
to find such references as i am not currently in school and cannot ask the
people that wrote them for me the first time to write them again.
i am destined to work in an office, doing menial sales work. which makes me feel
desperate and scared as most of the time i am bored to tears doing my job.
i don't know what is going to happen to me. i don't know how i'm going to get
through this.
May 13, 2004 040513_49.
who's life
is this anyway? i'm starting to get used to the idea that i'm not going to be
attending school in the fall. well, i'm starting to have moments when i am
getting used to it, and then i have other moments of intense sorrow.
i keep trying to tell myself that i was having doubts about it anyway, and it's
just better this way.
i keep trying to absorb the idea that i'll probably not ever go back to school
and just work and live and not have a career and not do something that i'm
passionate about. maybe i'll have to find something that i'm passionate about
that isn't work. maybe something i'm passionate about will turn into something...who
knows.
right now, i don't feel passionate about much.
i just feel tired. tired of trying and tired of failing. i'm tired of being me
to be perfectly honest.
i've been thinking about starting to write poetry again. (i did that when i was
in college). i was also half entertaining the idea of maybe taking an art class
or something on the weekend...but who knows. right now, my weekends are for
napping. and God knows, you can't not have your naps...they are so very
important to the very fabric of your being...
ok, ok, they're just naps, but i like them. if i could figure out a way to get
paid for sleeping, i'd be a gazillionaire!
so, i guess it's into the great unknown i go...or rather...it's more like into
the same old shit, different day i trudge...
AND...
did my parents know this when they named me???
Brief Description of: Lisa
Your first name of Lisa has given you energy, drive, and ambition, but also an
almost excessively strong-willed and independent nature. While you are creative,
inventive, and ingenious in practical matters, and always ready to initiate and
promote new undertakings, you often experience difficulty in bringing your
undertakings to a successful conclusion because of your own changing interests
or changing circumstances.
that is FRIGHTENINGLY accurate! especially the part about not seeing things to
fruition. scary!
maybe they should have named me kathy or stacy or she-who-finishes...
10:19 pm May 14, 2004 040515_8.
Nullo metro compositum est. tonight i went
to see michelle tea and meliza banales read some of their poetry at bodecia's
books with the film maker and who should i run into? but bevin!!! i mean, how
random is that? i guess she's in town to see her mom graduate. very cool...
the reading was great! it inspires me to start writing again. i think it would
be so good for me to get some of this stuff out of my head and onto paper....although,
that's kinda what i'm doing here...
another thing i realized tonight is that I WANT MORE TATTOOS!!!! i'm going to
have to set up a little savings account that i can use for ink. as a special
treat when i pay off some bills.
or maybe i'll win the lottery, which would require playing, which i don't do...so
that's probably out too.
anywho...i highly recommend getting your hands on some of michelle tea's and
meliza banales's writing. and if you get a chance, go hear them read!!
May 16, 2004 040516_69.
from here to eternity, and back again for seconds
once again in the thinking place (shower) i had a minor epiphany.
ok, i'm fat. and i'm lonely...yes? that is well established.
why am i fat?? well, we're working on that one. but one of the reasons that
suddenly slammed into my head like a bad driver hitting the brakes too late on
an la freeway was this:
the fat is like a protective armor, saving you from intimacy
ok, so that's a pretty basic, well known concept...but i really didn't think it
applied to me at this point in my life. i mean, i thought i was beyond that.
but i also came to the realization that i got a lot of female attention when i
was thin and newly single and had my little ads on planet out and the like...and
i'd go on these horrible dates, praying the whole time that the womyn of the
moment wouldn't try to kiss me or anything like that and just waiting until it
was over...then having to deal with the emails and the phone calls and trying to
figure out a way to not have to call her back.
but i finally grasped that as much as i'm lonely...the thought of actually being
with someone scares the shit out of me. i'm not ready. i thought i was ready...but
i'm not.
now, i'm sure that there are other reasons for packing on so much tonnage and
seemingly not being able to get rid of it, but i think that figuring that one
aspect out was sort of a break through no?
now i just have to pray for the willingness to be willing to stop eating.
because as much as i complain about how fat and uncomfortable i am...if given
the choice, i'd still pick the cookies over the broccoli even though i know what
it's doing to my body and how it's making me feel physically.
i just pray that i don't have to get gigantic before i become willing to give up
certain foods in order to get all this disgusting adipose tissue off my body and
away forever.
that being said, i think i'll go have breakfast.
May 18, 2004 040518_78.
farewell, adieu my sweet feathered love i’m tired.
That’s not news i guess...but i just thought i’d share. nothing really new to
report. no new epiphanies, no new enlightenment.
yesterday was sort of a day of loss....expo has had this toy, a koosh ball that
we called her chalupa, since she was a baby. it was mine before i brought her
home from the pound and she sort of just made it her own. yesterday, it
completely fell apart. there were chalupa pieces all over the room. very sad
i’ve had the same pillow (that i “stole” from murrieta hot springs when i was 3
or 4) for over 30 years.
my grandma used to take my cousins and i to murrieta. she’d play cards, we’d
play in the pool...it was some kind of resort or something, Gunther’s Murrieta
Hot Springs, with a club house and dances and stuff....anyway, there was this
feather pillow that i apparently wouldn’t leave without. i don’t remember this,
but the pillow was marked with the resort name.
anyway, i’ve had the pillow and slept with the pillow ever since. couldn’t sleep
without it...and over the past few years, i’ve slept with it on top of my head,
cause it blocked out any animal noises and kept them from bugging me while i
slept.
well, one of my cats peed on my pillows....my favorite pillow included...so i
washed them. I had to wash them twice, and two of the pillows fared rather well...but
the murrieta pillow, being over 30 years old...didn’t fare as well.
first of all, the feathers inside the pillow weren’t really “feathers” anymore.
they were more like feather dust...and while tumbling in the dryer...they
decided to free themselves from their 30+ year pillow case captivity.
i went down to the dryer to see how things were coming...and there was all this
feather dust in the dryer. i unzipped the case, and alas, the pillow was no more.
i’m sad. very sad. i can’t quite bring myself to throw it away. i was trying to
think of a way of somehow preserving the pillow by making a new case for it out
of denim, or something really strong...and then dumping the feather dust into
the new denim case and sewing it closed.
i’m not willing to let go of it yet. it reminds me of my grandma...my youth...i’ve
grown up with this pillow. it knows everything about me, i know everything about
it...we’ve never been apart....i don’t know how i’ll go on.
i might have to have some kind of ceremony for it.
i'll write an obituary for it and send it to the local paper.
beloved pillow, born sometime in the late sixties. died 5/17/04. pillow was
loved and cherished by chnacat. slept with for over 30 years. pillow leaves
behind chnacat, expo, java, nicky, pj, and pierre. ceremony to be held at
chnacat's house. in lieu of flowers, please send feathers.
May 19, 2004 040519_49.
health manifesto, part one. i've decided that i'm a
fat activist.
the diet industry is getting rich off lies and intimidation. being fat doesn't
necessarily mean that a person is unhealthy. there are many fat people that are
healthy and take care of themselves by exercising and eating properly.
they don't buy into the whole deprivation/binge cycle. they accept their bodies
for what they are and they love themselves unconditionally.
that's my goal. to love myself unconditionally despite the size clothing i wear
or what the scale says. in fact, i'm throwing my scale in the garbage. i can't
live and die by a number on a little scale.
i'm not going to give up on myself because i've gained some weight. and i'm not
keeping my old "skinny" clothes in my closet any more cause looking at them
only depresses me and adds to my beating myself up.
i'm going to start exercising, and eating healthfully...and if i want cookies, i'm
having them.
i have spoken!
May 21, 2004 040521_85.
loving
myself, not just a flight of fancy. this morning. i told myself (in the mirror)
that i love myself.
i said, "i love you"..."you are smart and pretty and i love you".
i'm not sure if i meant it...but i said it.
then i said the same thing to my body and my big round tummy....(not the smart
part...but the i love you part).
i definitely didn't mean it 100%, but i said it anyway. i'm done with unkind
self talk. it's mean and i wouldn't talk to anyone else the way i talk to myself.
nor would i tolerate anyone else saying the things that i say to myself. so i'm
done with it.
i'm sure that this is a process that i'm going to have to re-start over and over
again...but hey, no time like the present, right?
now, on to more pressing issues...i have a VERY serious problem....my cats have
decided that they prefer to pee on the bed rather than in their own bathroom (read
litter boxes).
i have washed and rewashed pillows, blankets, sheets...
i have cleaned the litter boxes with little tiny cat sized cleaning supplies...
i poured gallons of nature's miracle type enzyme odor neutralizer stuff all over
my house...
i have begged and pleaded with nicky and pj and tried using my best french
accent to talk to pierre...
all to no avail.
i'm not really sure what to do, short of covering my bed in plastic, which makes
a horrible crinkling noise when you are trying to sleep...and then there's
always the risk of suffication.
any suggestions are welcomed!
May 22,
2004 040522_98.
the road to wellville the road to feeling better about one's
self is paved with little surpises.
last night, i packed up all the clothes in my closet that don't fit me for one
reason or another (which pretty much amounted to all the clothes in my closet)
and put them in bags. i'm taking them to the second hand store to sell. there's
some pretty choice stuff in there, cute pants, lots of em...cute belts, some
pretty cute tops too. hopefully, i'll get some decent money for it all.
i decided that i don't need to look like a schlubb all the time and that i'm
going to buy myself some cute clothes that fit me (as soon as i get paid). just
because i'm fat doesn't mean i have to look like a scum bag.
and, remarkably...i feel pretty damn good...packing up all that stuff. i had
this delusion that i'd hold on to it all cause one day i'd be able to wear it
all again (which may or may not be true).
but what it was really doing, was making me feel like shit every time i looked
in my closet. it had gotten to the point that i completely averted my eyes to
the entire unwearable wardrobe.
now i have an empty closet, and it's flabulous!
there is so much bullshit out there about how if you are fat, you are
practically on your death bed, and that obesity is most assuredly a death
sentence. which means that a good majority of americans are dying from their fat.
and because those height and weight charts (which were developed by the
insurance companies, THE INSURANCE COMPANIES!!) don't accurately portray what a
healthy person should weigh based on their height. most people are technically
obese!
frankly, i don't buy into that. it's propaganda, and we have way too much
propaganda to wade through these days.
fat people can be very healthy. fat doesn't dictate how long a person will live.
if you eat healthfully and exercise, you'll be healthy. and eating healthfully
doesn't mean cutting out foods or dieting. it means eating fruits and vegetables,
grains, meats (if that's what you're into), treats, ice cream, cookies, yogurt,
greens, yellows, reds, browns, whites, and sometimes even purples!
i have spoken!
May 24, 2004 040524_93.
summer
lovin' had me a blast, summer lovin' happened so fast... summer camp! a time of
wonder and amazement....a time of secret crushes (mine were mostly all on girls)
and not so secret crushes. i went to this amazing camp run by hippy types that i
LOVED! i’m not sure if i love it more in hindsight or if i loved it more at the
time. probably a little of both.
anyway, i found my camp’s yahoo group and i’m reading all these posts about
people (who i only knew by their “camp name”). all the counselors had camp names,
like poozle, zonker, and beach, lucky, io, nike, maui, bandana, stage, pika,
aspen, berdoo, kiowa, indi, java, twilight, and sparky to name a few.
and the CILTS! Campers in Leadership Training. molly, april, martha, matt...i
can’t remember all of them, but they were uber cool! i couldn’t wait until i was
old enough to be a CILT and hang out in the CILT lounge!
it’s kinda weird to read their posts as an adult. i had such reverence for some
of them, and had HUGE crushes on others of them. it was a coup if you learned
their real name, and a secret you would hold till the day you died! and now i’m
reading about their reminiscences and adorations about a place that meant so
much to me too.
i know that they are all just people, and that i’m a people and that we all
shared a really cool thing. but i think about myself back then, about how
obnoxious i was. about how uncomfortable i felt in my skin and how i would over
compensate by being larger than life (in my own estimation...you’d have to ask
them if that were the case or not).
i feel so different now. so much more sure of who i am, so much more me. but
they all had a hand in shaping me and helping me to be the person that i am now.
i’m much less obnoxious than i used to be. but i’m still a silly goofball. and i
am so grateful to all of them for teaching me about life, and giving me some
solid ground to stand on in the midst of some of the most akward and difficult
years of my life!
May 25, 2004 040525_71.
i came, i saw, i compromised fat acceptance is a daily battle. there are so many
reasons for feeling shitty about yourself in today's world.
everywhere you look there are ads for losing weight. who hasn't heard that
stupid commercial for a certain weight loss pill that targets your hormone
production and helps eliminate fat on your "tummy thighs and stomach" isn't
your tummy and your stomach pretty much the same thing??? i'd stay away from
those pills...they make you stupid as well as gullible!
but i digress....
i'm going to "her" sisters graduation next weekend. she's getting her PhD and
i'm really excited for her. the problem is, "her" whole family is going to be
there and i'm kinda freaked out about how my weight gain is going to be
perceived. i mean, i know they are going to be talking about it (either behind
my back or to my face) and i'm not quite sure yet how i'm going to deal with it.
now, i can hear some of you (read cousin and auntie) saying, "well, just deal...who
cares what they think, and besides it isn't the chnacat show, it's the "her"
sister show, you're there to celebrate her graduation, get over yourself"
all true...but i'm only human, i have fears and feelings...however ridiculous
those fears may be. i'm scared of the whole situation.
so now i can her some of you saying (read cousin), "well, just don't go if you're
so scared"....
i've thought of that too..but it seems kinda selfish cause "her" sister is
really excited and i love her and i'm excited for her.
i think another part of why i'm feeling a little apprehensive is that "her"
new girlfriend is going to be there and i don't know how that's all gonna feel...i
guess i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. i'll definitely go to the
graduation ceremony. i'm not sure yet if i'll go to the party afterwards.
anywho...on another front, i got new cat litter, the kind they like instead of
the cheap stuff, and so far, no peeing on the bed. i don't know if my down
comforter can make it through another washing...those things aren't meant to be
washed so much.
well, it's not entirely all better... i asked pj (the peeing culprit) to please
stop peeing on the bed...i told him i'd get new litter. i made it clear to him
that if he peed on my bed one more time, there'd be hell to pay and i wasn't
sure what i'd do. i also told him that i couldn't guarantee that i wouldn't get
violent the next time it happened. it was a good conversation. i think we came
to an agreement.
i think he got it too, because last night....instead of peeing on the bed, he
peed on the floor....and that's a compromise i can live with!
May 26, 2004 040526_67.
laaaddddiieees and gentlemen.....step right this way
for the greatest show on earth! i have nothing to share.
nothing except for the fact that i am exceedingly tired. perhaps i need more
iron in my diet.
i've decided that i really need to live in a place w/ a large yard where the
dogs can go out whenever they need to and the cats can go out too...but it would
need to either be a large enclosed yard, with a fence that was either 20 feet
high and unclimbable, or something more akin to the lion exhibit at the zoo...
you know, a nice habitat area with a 30 foot steep moat all around it so no one
could climb in or out.
the moat wouldn't go all the way around the house, just around the yard. and the
animals would have little caves and nice places to hide in the shade when it got
hot. i could get a big hard plastic beach ball type thing for the dogs to play
with and people could come watch their funny antics!
maybe i could get them all declared endagnered species and get some federal
funding.
in that case, i'd probably have to have the exhibit open for certain times and
on certain days...which would be ok cause java likes an audience. and people
could buy tennis balls out of one of those little dispensy machines to throw for
exie....
this is sounding better and better all the time!
i could sell balloons in the shape of pierre's head and write french sayings on
the back of them. and there could be a "be like pj" area, where people would
be invited to pee on a bed! nicky could oversee things and meow out orders to
people like he likes to do.
this is all coming together, i can see it all now!
do you think san francisco would ok the zoning for this??
May 27, 2004 040527_2.
and now here's something we hope you'll really like!
mindless entertainment.
and now, peoplettes, a break from the monotony...a cease fat...a little recess
from all the incredibly serious talk that goes on here...i give you (drumroll
please),
Why did the chicken cross the road
GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just
want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against
it!
RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a
gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it
was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out
there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax
dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to
build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I
had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other
side'. That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we Boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long
dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just witnessed e-Chicken2004, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook,
and internet explorer is an integral part of e-Chicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. It depends what the
definition of the word chicken is.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions
of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the
American people.
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
DANA SCULLY: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in
chickens.
RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not
cross the road.
CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore,
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
NIETZSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also
across you.
EMILY DICKENSON: Because it could not stop for death.
May 28, 2004 040528_95.
stuff you're
not sure you wanted to know. “borrowed” from the magnificent jess
LAYER ONE:
Name: lisa
Birthdate: august 27th
Birthplace: los angeles, ca
Current Location: emeryville, ca
Eye Color: hazel green
Hair Color: dark brown
Height: 5'5"
Righty or Lefty: righty
Zodiac Sign: virgo
LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: lituanian (russian, both sides)
The shoes you wear: sneaks...but i prefer to go barefoot
Your weakness: self deprication...i’m mean to myself
Your fears: being alone for the rest of my life
Your perfect pizza: any kind from here
Goal you'd like to achieve: finish my masters degree...do something meaningful
for my career
LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on AIM: by me? maybe “no worries “ by everyone else? “lol”
(i fucking HATE that!)
Your thoughts first waking up: snooze...hit the snooze
Your best physical feature:my smile
Your bedtime: about 10 pm, but i’m usually in bed by 9 either reading or
watching tv
LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: diet pepsi...i love it
McDonald's or Burger King: uh...neither, although, mc d’s has the best fries!
Single or group dates: group dating??? how 7th grade is that?!?
Adidas or Nike: adidas
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: neither...ick!
Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate and vanilla swirl
Cappuccino? or coffee?: coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee....did i mention,
coffee?
LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: not anymore
Cuss: way the fuck too much damnit!
Sing: i’m actually a very talented singer...but i’d never go on american idol or
anything like that.
Take a shower everyday: yes
Have a crush(es): on angelina jolie and johnny depp, they are both divine!
Do you think you've been in love: most definitely
Go to college: not right now...but i did go to college for undergrad and some
grad school
Liked high school: is this a trick question? hell no i didn’t like high school...although,
i was high much of the time...
Want to get married: been there, done that.
Believe in yourself: not usually, but i’m working on it
Get motion sickness: yes! i can’t ride in a car for any long distance unless i
can lay down.
Think you're attractive: nope, sure don’t
Think you're a health freak: i was...but i’m much more relaxed now.
Get along with your parents: for the most part, but my mom makes me nuts
sometimes.
Like thunderstorms: dig em!
Play an instrument: sort of...i have a guitar and i can play it a little...i’ve
played piano, but i don’t really remember how anymore.
LAYER SIX:
Drank alcohol: not anymore
Smoked: more than i like to think about
Done a drug: lots of them
Had Sex: yeppers
Made Out: well, yeah!
Ever gone on a date: of course
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: not in one sitting
Eaten sushi: i LOVE sushi!
Been on stage: many many times
Been dumped: unfortunately, yes.
Gone skating: ice, roller, and inline.
Made homemade cookies: i make the BEST chocolate chip cookies ever
Gone skinny dipping: nope
Dyed your hair: so much that i had to shave it off cause it was in horrible
shape
Stolen anything: not since i was a kid
LAYER SEVEN: Played a game that required removal of clothing: yeah
If so, was it mixed company: yeah
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yeah, but not in over 8 years
Been caught "doing something": i never get caught
Been called a tease: only by a boy i wouldn’t have sex with
Gotten beaten up: i’ve been threatened, but never actually beaten
Shoplifted: nope
Changed who you were to fit in: too often, as a kid
LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: never again!
Numbers and Names of Children: expo, java, pierre, pj, and nicky. all four
legged children
Describe your dream wedding: well, it was a hippy wedding by a creek w/ bare
feet and grateful dead music...but my mom made it into a 300 guest, white dress,
big cake, professional photographer, fiasco...
Where you want to go to college: i went to chapman college, but i wish i had
gone to cal berkeley
What do you want to be when you grow up: i don’t know yet
What country would you most like to visit: canada, italy, israel and egypt (again)
LAYER NINE:
Best eye color: i love green eyes
Best hair color: any
Short or long hair: somewhere in between would be nice
Height: taller than some, shorter than others
Best weight: any
Best articles of clothing: nice worn levis
Best first date location: shit, i don’t know!
Best first kiss location: anywhere
LAYER TEN:
Number of drugs taken illegally: number of drug types?? or actual number of
drugs?? either way, way too many to count
Number of people I could trust with my life: a small handful
Number of CDs that I own: over 200
Number of piercings: 18
Number of tattoos: 10
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: i’m really not sure about
that
Number of scars on my body: 2
Number of things in my past that I regret: i have no regrets...regretting is a
waste of time.
May 30, 2004 040530_19.
a love poem i am here, afraid to love
paralyzed by fear, but still wanting to break free
but what if i did
break free
stumble out of my shell and dance
in the sunlight
what if i did.
what would i find?
would you be there?
would i finally be able to see that it was you
i
was
falling
into
would i be able to admit that i was in love
with you
May 31, 2004 040531_42.
bring them
home, right now! i saw something yesterday on tv that was both incredibly
disturbing and incredibly thought provoking at the same time.
it was andy rooney’s segment on memorial day. it ended with 11 minutes of a
scrolling montage of faces of the soldiers killed in the current war in iraq.
i couldn’t take my eyes off the television. i was horrified by all the pictures
of young and not so young people with their whole futures ahead of them - graduation
pictures, pictures from westpoint academy, the pictures that get taken of
soldiers after they graduate from whatever boot camp they might go through.
all the pictures were of faces of real people. they all looked so hopeful and
proud. some of them were smiling, some were stoically honorable, some were very
soldierly. there were men and womyn, young men - practically boys. young womyn at
the start of their lives - young men holding their babies, dads, brothers, nephews,
nieces, moms, sisters, cousins, friends, acquaintances - all dead
every single one of those people in those 800 photographs had been killed in a
senseless and pointless war. it needs to stop. the soldiers need to come home.
why are we even there anymore? i get it that we went there because of a
terrorist act that took place on our country on september 11th. i get it that we
were defending ourselves - i also get it that our soldiers were sent there on
false pretense by a president hell bent on revenge hungry for power. i don’t
know if he’s trying to make his daddy proud, or show up his brother, or just be
a big man - but it’s ridiculous and it needs to end NOW!
we have no more business in iraq. the iraqi people don’t want us there. they are
killing civilians, beheading them and kidnapping and torturing americans that
are only there to “help” them. i know our soldiers are serving their country.
they are good men and womyn who will defend america to the death and are there
because our president sent them there. it’s time that he brings them home.
i don’t know what to do about this. i don’t know how to help bring the soldiers
home - other than with my vote for someone other than bush. i don’t know what i
can do to get our people out of iraq. maybe by writing about it, i can inspire
other people to get as angry about it as i am and we can all rise up as a people
and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
bring our troops home NOW! bring our people home NOW! get those men and womyn
out of that horrible situation. all of them, leave no one behind. get them all
home safely and keep them safe.
american isn’t always right. we are not the most important country in the world.
we are not the most important people in the world. we share the world with many
different kinds of people. and those people have different views, and different
religions, and different skin colors, and different ways of doing things. no one
is superior. no one is right above all others.
bring our soldiers home!
June 02, 2004
040602_30.
little flat girl...where are you now? i really don't have
anything to say...but i thought i'd try to write something anyway, as that tends
to get my brain going and eventually i come up with something interesting to
write about (i know, i know, that's completely subjective...)
i had a good therapy session yesterday. my therapist likes me to close my eyes a
lot and look introspectively. try to feel what my body is doing and what i'm
feeling, which, for the most part, is really difficult for me.
i've spent so much of my 36 years in my head, completely dissasociated from my
body and my feelings that it's really hard for me to actually feel things that
aren't happening intellectually.
so, consequently, i hate sitting there in the chair with my eyes closed, trying
to feel something. usually, i interrupt myself by talking about something or
just telling her that i feel nothing, but yesterday, i decided to give it a
chance.
i sat there and listened to my insides...and i saw this picture in my head of
this little tiny girl. she was a drawing i did when i was in preschool. she
looks like this:
and there she was inside me...small, and flat. and then she started to get
bigger and she got in my face and said, "i'm mad at you for not taking care of
me" and then she went away.
now, my therapist says that she is the key to figuring a bunch of stuff out...and
that i have to get to know her.
i told her that if she wants to be mad at me...she should take her flat little
self and go to the end of the line.
needless to say, i wasn't happy to see her...but i guess it's some progress....cause
until now, all i've been able to do when i'm sitting there with my eyes closed
is just sit there with my eyes closed.
June 03, 2004 040603_98.
tea for two ok, i'm completely in surreal-land.
yesterday, i told the film maker how i feel about her and how i've been falling
in love with her and how i think about her all the time.
i went over to her house, and we kissed (and it was the sweetest kiss) and we
are both completely happy and both completely in surreal-land.
so, i guess i have a girlfriend now? i guess i am someone else's girlfriend now...
i'm scared. hell yeah, i'm scared. but i feel good when i'm with her and she
makes me happy...so hopefully, i can do the same for her.
June 04, 2004 040604_75.
be here now another week gone by. seems like time
is going so fast! i know i'm supposed to enjoy every day and soak up life...but
i find myself looking forward or looking backward a lot...thus, not being in the
moment.
i need to remember to stay in the moment...to be more zen about things or rather,
to have a more zen attitude about things.
i have a lot of fears. most of them irrational. some of them unreasonable. a few
of them completely non-specific. and i spend a lot of time feeling anxious about
things that generally don't merit such anxiety.
i have to learn to let things go and know that everything is going to work out
the way it is supposed to. it always has, and it always will.
sometimes, i think i should just get rid of everything i own and go join a
buddhist monestary...i'm not a buddhist...but that's sort of beside the point
really...cause it's not quite a feasible idea.
and really, it's just escapism...cause if i was meant to be a buddhist monk, it
would have come to fruition by now.
i don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, so i should enjoy and live in
today. i don't know what's going to happen 10 minutes from now (although, i can
reasonably extrapolate from past experiences), so i should live in the now. the
right now.
there's probably a lot of stuff i've been missing because i spend so much time
in my head worrying about things that will probably never happen.
June 06, 2004 040606_62.
is it a chin? is it a butt? is it something more?
there is a phenomenon that i don't quite understand.
it's the phenmenon of the "butt chin". some people call it a cleft chin, but i
believe in calling a spade a spade. and in this case, a chin that looks like a
butt, a butt chin.
there are many people walking around with little upside down arse's on their
chins. some are aware that they carry this genetic mutation, some are not.
now, it can be argued that by calling it a genetic mutation, i am therefore
stigmatizing the butt chin by somehow calling it a "defect".
let me make it very clear, by saying it's a genetic mutiation, i am in no way
calling it a defect of any sort.
every physical difference that occurs throughout human development is
technically a genetic mutation....if our genes didn't mutate, we'd all look
exactly the same.
so, that being said, i'm not trying to insult those with a butt chin, i'm just
trying to understand the phenomenon.
some of you may disagree with me and think that the butt chin is a thing of
beauty, not to be questioned, but to be venerated...to each her/his own...i just
think it's odd.
June 08, 2004 040608_23.
what it really was i heard something on the radio this morning about former
President Reagan being governor of california... and it got me to thinking about
what things were like in the world the year i was born....so i did a little
research, and i am proud to present to you:
a picture of the world the year i was born
1967
US President: Lyndon Baines Johnson (R)
US Vice President: Hubert Humphrey (R)
Governor of California: Ronald Regan (R)
Mayor of Los Angeles: Samuel Yorty
Police Chief: Thomas Reddin
Israel 6 Day War takes place in June between Israel and Arab neighbors Egypt,
Jordan, Syria, Iraq and Lebanon.
Brezhnev ruled the USSR
Mao ruled communist China
Prime Minister of the UK: Harold Wilson
Tens of thousands of Vietnam War protesters marched on Washington in August.
French President: Charles de Gaulle
Nicolea Ceausescu becomes President (dictator) of Romania.
John Wenner launches the Rolling Stone magazine in San Francisco.
Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara is shot and killed by in Bolivia by regular
soldiers.
Sweden changes the rule of road to drive on right.
Biafara declares independence from Nigeria.
First Boeing 737 rolls out.
King Constantine of Greece flees the country after his attempted coup d'etat
fails.
President of the Democratic Republic of Viet Nam: Ho Chi Minh
USA, Soviet Union and UK sign the Outer Space Treaty.
Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler," is convicted of numerous crimes and is
sentenced to life in prison.
Prime Minister of India: Indira Gahndi
The 25th Amendment to the US Constitution is ratified.
Military coup in Sierra Leone.
Surveyor 3 probe lands on the moon.
President of Egypt: Gamal Abdal Nasser
The Shah, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, rules Iran.
Moyshe Dayan becomes Israel’s Secretary of Defense
12th Street Riot: In Detroit, Michigan, one of the worst riots in United States
history begins on 12th Street in the predominantly African American inner city (43
killed, 342 injured and ~1,400 buildings burned).
Phnom Penh rules Cambodia.
Woody Guthrie dies.
Artist Edward Hopper dies.
President of Germany: Heinrich L¸bke.
Thurgood Marshall sworn in as first black US Supreme Court justice
Congress creates PBS.
First “successful” human heart transplant performed in South Africa.
Communist China explodes it’s first hydrogen bomb.
USSR severs diplomatic relations with Israel.
John Coltrane dies.
June 08, 2004 040608_73.
poetry in
motion i am sad.
distilled to my elements
there is sadness
darkness
empty passageways leading nowhere.
i am built from sorrow bricks
made of soil,
tilled from the depths of despair.
crafted by nimble fingers
never knowing the light of day.
small pocket of knowing
little cache of brightness
ever hopeful
hiding in the gloom.
i’ve been there before
visiting briefly
only to return
to the
darkness and pain.
i’ll go back one day
to the light.
June 08, 2004 040608_29.
don't let
the sun go down on me i'm really struggling...i just talked to my ex girlfriend
who just saw me after not seeing me for several months. she was shocked and
saddened at how fat i have gotten and told me that i really need to start
working on this and that she just doesn't think it's healthy. the same message
that i get from my parents...
needless to say, i don't know if i am strong enough to handle this. and at the
same time, i don't think i have the mental fortitude that it takes to lose
weight.
i think about killing myself sometimes...because i'm fat. becuase if i was dead,
i wouldn't have to deal with not being able to control myself around food and
not being able to lose weight. i'm about at the end of my rope.
i will probably wind up going on another diet, if i can muster up the strenght
to do it. which will result in weight loss...which i am sure i cannot maintain...which
will then result in a massive backlash binge, which will in the end, result with
me probably fatter than i am now.
i honestly don't know what to do. i feel unloved and unloveable. even though i
am told that i am loved and loveable by certain friends.
it doesn't seem to sink in. and i am getting bigger by the day due to my
complete inablity to stop eating. i used to have the best willpower, but for
some reason, i don't have it anymore. i can barely resist the urge to eat and
when i do, i eat extremely poorly.
i'm sitting here right now muching on some stale biscotti that someone brought
in to work...it doesn't even taste good.
i feel ugly and fat and disgusting and i don't know what to do or where to turn.
i am in therapy to overcome this...but i can only go every other week because
that's all i can afford. i'm afraid that i won't ever get control of myself and
i'll wind up either killing myself with food or by some other means.
June 08, 2004 040608_77.
you can never eat just one! three entries for the
price of one...
one if you are feeling nostalgic
one if you are feeling poetic
and one if you are feeling downright miserable
June 09, 2004 040609_45.
enlarge my WHAT???!!!??? today i’ve been offered a
pheromone spray for men, powerful long lasting viagra, training to start my own
company, a powerful weight loss formula, super discounted software, a law degree
online, the beeeeest male enlaaaaargemeeent piills avaaailable, valium and
diazepam, more viagra that will last all weekend, xanax at unbelievable prices,
my weekly credit report, 4 steps to a great hair day, cool pager...hot colors...get
yours now!, exciting job in my neighborhood, and fast prescriptions online.
with that much of a bounty to start my day, how could it possibly get any better
you ask??
well, i just got offered pricey software sweetening serpentine shortages (whatever
the hell that is)! it must be good cause apparently it’s in code. i know they
only send the coded good stuff to especially deserving people so i must be
special.
all this in the period of less than 1 hour.
i must have done something right in my life....maybe in a past life, cause this
current one’s been kinda fucked up...
just goes to show ya, you never know what’s going to fall into your lap. keep
your eyes and ears open to all the possibilities that life presents you. i’ve
already been informed that i have the smallest ferdinand. (this was from about a
week ago) and i’ve received email addressed to ching riggleman (which apparently
is my super secret spy code name).
the bounty appears to be endless!
June
10, 2004 040610_39.
husky boy when Peggy Hill is feeling like shit about her
huge feet after being duped into making fetish “smush” videos, her son Bobby
makes her realize that it’s ok being different...and having big feet is not such
a big deal after all...words to live by? i should like to think so!
PEGGY HILL: I actually let myself believe that these were beautiful. Can you
imagine? Peggy Hill, that's stupid.
BOBBY HILL: I can imagine, Mom. I'm fat.
PEGGY HILL: Oh, no, honey, you're husky! It says so on your jeans.
BOBBY HILL: Mom, I'm fat. But big deal. I don't feel bad about it, and you never
made me feel bad about it. And just because there are people out there who want
me to feel bad about it doesn't mean I have to. So Bobby Hill's fat. He's also
funny, he's nice, he's got a lot of friends, a girlfriend. And if you don't mind,
I think I'll go outside right now and squirt her with water. What are you going
to do?
June 11, 2004 040611_44.
ok, so i'm
lazy...i'm only human!
You are water. You're not really organic; you're
neither acidic nor basic, yet you're an acid
and a base at the same time. You're strong
willed and opinionated, but relaxed and ready
to flow. So while you often seem worthless,
without you, everything would just not work.
People should definitely drink more of you
every day.
Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
June 14,
2004 040614_27.
hail to the chalupa...hail well, another weekend gone by.
i went to the haight street fair with the film maker and make-up girl. it was ok.
i wasn't feeling very good...and there was too much alcohol being drunk and too
many drunk people...too many people period.
i don't know what was wrong with me. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed i
think.
and then i waited until the fair to eat, cause i thought that there would be
some magically delicious food there that, if i ate prior to going, i'd want and
not be able to have because i'd already eaten....
alas...that was not the case.
the only thing i succeeded in doing was getting too hungry and then NOTHING
looked good...and then, even after eating, i felt all out of sorts and
ungapatchkied...(pronounced unga-pot-tch-key-d)
and i was a grump for the rest of the day...and i was kinda mean and nasty...i
didn't like myself, but i also didn't feel like i could snap myself out of it
either.
so, i went home and sulked....
on another amazing note...a miracle happened!!!
the film maker and i were getting off the freeway on our way home, and i spotted
this rainbow thing on the side of the offramp. i recognized it immediately!!! it
was a chalupa!!!
ok, now i understand that's not what you think of when you hear the word chalupa....but
that's what expo calls it.
expo had her chalupa for over 7 years. i'm not sure how it got to be called the
chalupa. it was at the height of the chalupa craze at taco hell, i'm sure.
at any rate, she'd had it for a long time. it got a little threadbare, and then
one day, just disintegrated...much to her dismay.
it's her favorite toy. she LOVES her chalupa!!! and finding her a new one was
nothing short of a miracle!!! apparently, they don't sell them with the same
frequency and abundance as they did in the late 90's. they are rather difficult
to find unless you order them online...which i would have done eventually, when
i had the money. but miracle of miracles...there it was on the side of the road!
some kid must have thrown it out of a car window or something....
so, i saw it on the off-ramp as we were getting off the freeway, and i pulled
the car over in the emergency lane part of the off-ramp, got out, ran back up
the side of the off-ramp and got it. (award to chnacat for using the word off-ramp
the most time in a single sentence in a short story about finding a toy on a
freeway off-ramp.)
expo was ELATED! she was so sad when the first one died...i picked up all the
pieces and put them in a zip loc baggie so we could give it a proper burial...but
now she has a new one!
glory be to the chalupa God! glory be!
June 15, 2004 040615_21.
just not quite myself i have been feeling so out of
sorts of late. i’m not sure what’s wrong with me. and now i have a wicked kink
in my neck and can’t get rid of it.
i’m quite sure one thing has nothing to do with the other, but it just seems
apropos that they should both happen at the same time.
i also decided that i am going to get another tattoo....of course, this was no
great leap. i knew i was getting another one....it’s just been a matter of
saving the money to do it. i’ve saved enough and still have my bills paid, so i’m
going to look into it. needless to say, i’m psyched about it.
that’s about all i’m psyched about lately. i’m not even excited about michigan...i’m
nervous about the animals while i’m gone, i’m nervous about how people will
react to the fact that i’m twice the size i was last year, i’m nervous that my
tent STINKS! to high heaven from mold, i’m nervous that i don’t own a pair of
shorts that fit me and i don’t know where i’m going to find a cute pair that
doesn’t ride up in the middle....
nervous isn’t really an accurate description, but it’s the closes approximation
i can come to.
more like trepidatious...
another thing, (well, isn’t there always just one more thing?!) my house is a
freakin’ disaster area! i’ll tell you something, having 5 animals that you live
with is no picnic. you can either choose to have a life, and live in a dirty
house, or choose to spend all your time cleaning the house and picking up after
the animals...and have no life of your own.
there has to be some kind of healthy balance, no? i mean, as it is, i don’t
spend enough time with them cause i’m at work...and then, on the weekends, i
feel guilty going out for any length of time....i think i’m just going to spend
the rest of my life devoted to them and not go out anymore or have any kind of
social life...i’ll be an animal caretaker full time.
of course, i’ll have to go to work, but i’m sure that they’ll need some time
with me gone so they can play and get into mischief....and besides...if i was
home all the time, i’d have nothing to clean up when i got home, right?
alright, well, i feel better...getting all that out.
thanks for listening.
June 16, 2004
040616_98.
you're a weirdo, yes you are! sometimes i feel like a freak.
i am definitely the only one at my place of business who has any facial
piercings. i am also the only one there who has ever changing hair color and
length going from short to shorter to bald to short and back again.
now, please understand, i like myself this way. i like all my piercings and
tattoos. i might even go so far as to say that i love them. yes, i do love them.
they are a part of me and i love them. i wouldn’t want to be anyone else, i
wouldn’t want to be all plain and ordinary.
but sometimes, i feel like a freak.
the thing is...where i live...there are a lot of freaks. and most of the time,
no one looks at you sideways. (well, unless they are a tourist or something).
especially in berkeley. home of freaks of all shapes and sizes. in berkeley, i’m
pretty much ordinary...which is also ok...sometimes, it’s even nice.
i definitely feel much better about how i fit into my society up here in the bay
area. much different and much better than living in southern california, where i
always felt like an octagonal peg in a size 2 blonde haired, barbie doll, fake
boobs and collagen lip implant hole.
life is interesting that way i guess. i mean, feeling comfortable in your skin
is a process....but i definitely think it helps to live in an area where there
are like minded and like looking people so you don’t always feel like an outcast
on the outside and on the inside.
but enough drivel for the day, no?
i’m very excited to announce that i have an appointment here on saturday for
some new ink!!! hoooorrrrrrraaaaayyyyy!
and that’s all she wrote!
June 17, 2004
040617_14.
i love you, you're perfect, now change i have had a major crink
in my neck for 3 days now. it's killing me. the first day, it produced a
headache of tsunami proportions and i went home from work and got into bed.
well, it was a good reason to go home i guess...work has been REALLY boring
lately. i'm kinda worried i won't make my sales quota for the month, but i keep
plugging away at it.
and yesterday, while talking to my mother on the phone, she informed me that she
didn't think she could come visit me if i was as "big as i was when i was
married" because it would be too upsetting to her.
great
my own mother can't come visit me because i'm fat. and she claims to love me
unconditionally...feh!
i tried to have a conversation with her about the fact that it is possible to be
fat and be healthy...but she wanted nothing of it...her doctor tells her "blah
blah blah" and of course, he is the only person in the world with correct
information, so she'll stick to what he says.
i asked her to read a book (the obesity myth by paul campos) and she said that
she wouldn't read it...because her doctor says, "quack quack quack" and she
believes him and doesn't have time to read anything different or expand her
narrow view of the world one tiny bit.
i'm frankly tired of wanting her love so badly and wanting her acceptance so
badly...and i know that the emotional well is dry, but i keep going back to get
sated...only to get smacked down in a painful fashion.
that's the definition of crazy you know. doing something over and over again and
expecting a different result each time.
so, i guess...i'm crazy.
oh, and before i forget....please go here and make me feel popular, just for one
fleeting moment in time....sniff, sniff...
June 18, 2004 040618_55.
be a clown, be a clown. all the world loves a clown!
i feel compelled to say something funny.
my entries of late have been kind of down and depressing...and i feel as though
i have a responsiblity to my readers to be entertaining and not always so
serious.
this is not something that i spend a lot of time worrying about, mind you....but
when it comes time to write a new entry, i give it a little thought.
now i should warn you, i haven't had much coffee yet, so i'm feeling more sleepy
than witty, but i'll give it a try. in the interest of fine amusements, i'll do
my best.
ok, there were these two strings. one day, they were walking down the street and
decided to patronize the local bar for some afternoon refreshment.
the taller of the two strings climbed up onto the barstool, while the fatter of
the two went to pick out something on the jukebox. after picking several olivia
newton john hits, he joined his friend at the bar.
the barkeep was wiping down the bar and wasn't paying any attention to the two
strings sitting at his bar, trying to get his attention. "ahem....excuse me,
barkeep...two beers please". without looking up, the bar tender said, in a
grumbly fashion, "we only have domestic on-tap, that ok??".
the fat string said, "do you have sierra nevada in bottles??!!"
this caused the bar tender to finally look up, as the typical clientele at the
bar very rarely drank anything but bud on-tap and he had never ever had a
request for sierra nevada...not ever. it was at this point that the bartender
realized who he was talking to and cool anger came across his face. "hey, get
outta my bar! we don't serve strings here! we don't like your kind, get out".
and he promptly threw the strings out of the bar.
they landed ass over tea kettle on the sidewalk, completely bewildered and a
little ticked off. standing up, they brushed themselves off and stormed back
into the bar.
by this time, a crowd of rednecks had been roused from their drunken stupors in
the darkended corner of the bar, and the strings were met with the ugly stares
of a small gang of smelly, drunk, hillbillies.
the bartender glared at the strings. "i thought i told you to get outta my bar."
he said.
the tall string started to protest, "dude, what's the big deal? we only wanted
a beer. c'mon, gimme a break man, it's hot out, i have money, we won't bother
anyone".
at this point, the unruly mob began approaching the two strings who were
quiverring where they stood.
the strings, knowing what was best for them, threw themselves out the door of
the bar, again landing ass over tea kettle on the sidewalk.
the fat string said, "man, who leaves a tea kettle out on the sidewalk anyway,
this things gonna give me a wicked bruise"...
the tall string said, "shut up fatty, quit yer whining, i think i have a plan."
the two strings huddled together. much whispering took place. the tall string
made some adjustments to himself and his friend. twisting himself into a granny
knot even a boy scout would be proud of. he tied up his friend and they touseled
their hair. after giving each other the once over and being satisfied with their
work, they mustered up their courage and strode back into the bar.
they were met with incredulous stares from the group of hillbillies..."how was
it that these two little strings had such balls!!!", they all wondered
collectively (using every scrap of their hillbilly brains to come up with such a
well thought out sentence).
the bar tender stood up with his hands on his hips. his bar towel draped over
his shoulder and his brow furrowing. he raised his hands and clenched them into
gigantic muscled fists. he said to the two frightened strings, "get outta my
bar! i thought i told you that we don't serve strings here!" he started to
advance on the two.
he blinked, looked at the taller of the two and said, "you ARE a string aren't
you!!??!!!"
the tall string stopped him and bravely shouted, "NO! i'm a frayed knot!"
ba-dum-bum!
June 21, 2004 040621_35.
it's all
good! what a great way to start of the week...with a fresh tattoo!!!
God i love getting tattooed. i'm not sure what i love more, the process, or the
after effects. i think i love them equally!
the one think i always forget is how much it freakin hurts! now, i'm not a
masochist...i don't enjoy the pain, but it does have a certain quality to it...a
reminder that you are alive and that you can feel!
take it from someone who spends most of her time in her head...remembering that
your body can actually feel is an enlightening experience.
and, the tattoo turned out perfect! i'll post pics as soon as i can! i am
sooooooo happy with it! leslie at balck and blue tattoo is awesome! she did a
great job!
i'm also having her draw me a fat pin-up girl which will be my next piece.
i just have to save up some money and i'm good to go!
other than that, i'm volunteering for the dyke march on saturday. i get to help
sell merchandise. it'll be loads of fun! i'm really looking forward to pride
this coming weekend! i love pride, but sf pride is the big one and it will be
great!
i love living here! i absolutely love it!!
June 22, 2004 040622_91.
lookie, lookie as promised, pics...
on my right forearm
on my right middle finger
June 23, 2004 040623_41.
all about
me or everything you ever wanted to know about chnacat but were afraid to ask
well, the tattoos are healing nicely. i’m a good healer! i can’t wait until the
ugly peely stage is over.
so, i saw this on a friend’s page, i know that i’ve done things like this before,
but i tried to include new and fascinating things about myself so that you could
get a better picture of me...which i know you are dying to do.
i’m sure you spend most of your waking hours wondering about me and how i came
to be the person that i am.
what makes chnacat tick? what drives her to do what she does? what is the
primary motivating factor for her behavior?
well, you probably won’t get the answers to any of those questions, but you
might be entertained along the way...
1. i love chocolate
2. i once was very thin, and now am very fat. it consumes me sometimes, but i’m
trying to learn to love myself anyway.
3. i like peppermint
4. when i was in grade school, i was considered “gifted” and was in MGM. i got
to dissect a starfish and a shark and a sheep’s eye
5. i love my dogs and cats so much. sometimes i get very scared that they will
die (which i know, eventually they will). i know that i will never be prepared
for that.
6. my brother committed suicide when he was 17 and i was 22 by jumping off a 13
story medical building
7. i’ve been to the USSR (when it was still the USSR)
8. i sucked my thumb until i was 12
9. i have a very addictive personality and once used drugs to self medicate, but
don’t anymore.
10. i frequently color my hair wild colors and then get bored with it and shave
my head
11. i have 3 facial piercings and lots of holes of varying sizes in my ears
12. i’m afraid of being alone...not spending time with myself, but ending up
truly alone.
13. my parents don’t like me very much...they say they love me, but it’s very
conditional
14. i’ve never been to canada
15. i’m not fond of christmas....but i love giving gifts to other people
16. my family is jewish, but i believe in many religions
17. i’m very afraid of spiders
18. when i was 11 or so, i broke my arm for the first time, skateboarding. i was
to break it 2 more times in my life. once roller skating, and the third time, i
leaned on it funny and the bone just broke.
19. i was sent to boarding school when i was 16
20. my parents bought me a porsche 914 as my first car (which i subsequently
crashed and totalled)
21. my brother was adopted when i was 5
22. i don’t remember a lot of my childhood...and i have a hard time remember
what age i was when certain things happened.
23. i have 12 tattoos and plan on getting more
24. when i was in high school, i was a beatles fanatic!
25. when i was in college, i followed the grateful dead
26. i get car sick
27. i’m a good skier
28. i don’t like to eat beef.
29. i used to be a raw foods vegan, but now i’m pretty much an omnivore....
30. my mom’s grandparents are from lithuania, my dad’s are from latvia and
estonia.
31. my mom’s a travel agent, but she can’t get me cheap fares.
32. sometimes i wish i didn’t have any responsibilities, so i could just
disappear into the world somewhere
33. i love my animals and wouldn’t ever leave them, so number 32 is just a day
dream...
34. i’m still mildly hung up on my ex and still sometimes wish we were still
together
35. i have a deep and unyielding self hatred
36. i’m in therapy
37. i take anti-depressant medication
38. one of my very best friends lives in oklahoma...very far away.
39. i prefer del taco to taco bell
40. i like nuts
41. i love to swim, but haven’t been swimming in a long time!
42. i like to play in the waves, but i’m afraid of the ocean and will only go in
the water in hawaii
43. i have run 3 marathons in a one year period of time
44. i have big feet (9 Ω)
45. often times, i feel very alone.
46. i used to be able to cry on cue. but i can’t anymore.
47. my favorite show on tv is currently king of the hill
48. i don’t answer my telephone at home
49. my dad’s pretty fucking great!
50. i’m a dyke and i’m proud
51. if i was stranded on a desert island and could only have one food, it would
be peanut butter
52. i’m quite fond of napping, in fact, i have no problem taking a long nap in
the afternoon and then going to bed and sleeping through the night.
53. when i die, i want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered over mammoth
mountain.
54. i’ve been to israel and i want to go again
55. sometimes i think the world is coming to an end....other times, i much more
jaded by what goes on around me.
56. i used to own suede roller skates with big red wheels
57. i’ve been told that i talk in my sleep and that i snore
58. i’m funny
59. my favorite weather is cold and rainy or snowing heavily
60. i’d rather be cold than hot
61. i prefer night time to day time
62. if given the opportunity, i’ll put it off.
63. i don’t have any freakin clue what i want to be when i grow up
64. i’m afraid of being a big loser, i’m pretty sure i am one but it still
scares me.
65. i am a horrible driver
66. i’m divorced and i very rarely talk to my ex husband
67. i don’t take very good care of my teeth..i mean, i brush, but i rarely floss
and i hate going to the dentist
68. when i hear a siren, i worry about whomever is in danger or injured
69. i used to worry myself into fits of anxiety...but i’m on medication now....so
that doesn’t happen as often.
70. i have a thyroid goiter that was diagnosed when i was 12
71. when i was growing up, we weren’t allowed to have any pets because my mother
doesn’t like animals...but my brother and i snuck a kitten into the house and we
wound up keeping him.
72. sometimes, i wish it was me instead of my brother who was dead
73. i’m convinced that sometimes, my parents feel the same way
74. there is nothing more satisfying than a huge burp after a good meal.
75. sometimes, when i sneeze, i pee
76. when i was coming home from school in the first or second grade, i peed my
tights cause i didn’t go before leaving school...i was almost home and i just
lost it...i wound up running home crying the rest of the way.
77. i lost my virginity when i was 18 on my parents pull out couch while my mom
was in hong kong and my dad was asleep in the next room.
78. i can’t stand stupid people.
79. i can’t stand when smart people do stupid things
80. i’m pushy sometimes
81. i love diet pepsi, i tolerate diet coke
82. lots of times, i’ll make plans to do something, and then, when it comes time
to actually go out, i’ll flake out and stay home.
83. halloween used to be my favorite holiday, but after living with my ex
husband and his uber enthusiasm for it, i lost my taste for it....i still like
the candy though.
84. i refuse to go on another diet or weight loss plan....they don’t work...i
just want to learn how to be healthy and like myself no matter what size i am,
currently, i’m fat
85. i don’t like being naked
86. i like very strong coffee
87. i believe that when we die, our spirit goes to a better place but we can
still make contact with the people that are left behind
88. i’m fascinated by forensics, murder and serial killers
89. arrogance pisses me off
90. i was raised with sak’s 5th avenue tastes...but have had to learn to live on
a target budget
91. i used to wear glasses, but then my eyes self corrected....now, it appears
that i might need glasses again.
92. i will probably never have kids
93. my preference is to go barefoot.
94. i love hugging and snuggling, but i’m not very comfortable in my skin, so i’d
rather not be seen naked.
95. i cuss too much...like a sailor
96. my bachelor’s degree is in liberal studies
97. i make some seriously good chocolate chip cookies
98. i’m a painter and a singer and sometimes daydream about making a living
doing art and music...which would be a dream come true, but it’s not very
feasible...so i try not to think about it too much.
99. i’m not afraid of dying, but i’m not ready to go yet
100. if i could have one wish, it would be to be very thin and never have to
worry about what i eat.
June 24, 2004
040624_71.
ALL ABOARD!!!!
do you ever feel like life is passing you by? or that perhaps, you are being
sped through life, passing it by??
currently, i feel like i’m on a bullet train to loserville. speeding rapidly to
a dark and dreary destination. there are others on the train, nameless and
faceless as i must appear to them. no one talks, but we are allowed to look out
the windows and take pictures of the destinations we visit.
we’ve made stops in small-success village, with a day trip to winner’s hollow,
only to be ordered back onto the train for a fast ride to chunky town where we
stayed for quite a while.
the train whizzed past graduate school city, stopped for a minute, i thought i
was going to be allowed to get off, but no, my ticket didn’t stipulate that i
could stay there. i had to get back on the train...all my stuff was on the train
and it was pulling rapidly out of the station, as bullet trains often do, so i
jumped back on, like the sheep that i am.
we whirred past the suburb of acceptance city, looking out the windows and
seeing all the happy satisfied people. it looked like we were going to stop
there, but we merely slowed down in order to let another train pass.
as the train sped through the night, most of the people slept, myself included.
in the morning, we were told by the conductor that we had passed through good-lucksville,
happy-family community, the booming metropolis of fair-weather.
it figures we’d go through all the good places while we were all sleeping. i
wanted pictures of the happy-family community! i guess i’ll just have to buy
postcards at the gift shop in the train station.
during the next day, we were treated to brief glimpses of satisfying career
township and no regrets village. very nice places. i wished we could have stayed.
instead, we were allowed a day trip in the southern borough of peace-of-mind
city where i got a t-shirt and coffee mug. but alas, the trip was a short one
and we were all ordered back on the train.
we were tempted back onto the train by talk of a gourmet meal and first class
entertainment, which turned out to be a box lunch of salami sandwiches and stale
doritos and the musical stylings of a bad led zepplin polka cover band that
played only on accordion.
as the bullet train sped through the day and into the night, people played free
cell and spider solitaire on the computers and we all waited for our next
destination.
suddenly, sometime after midnight, the train made an abrupt stop. the doors
opened and we heard our luggage being thrown off the train. no one moved or
spoke. there was a palpable fear that spread throughout the train.
the doors closed and the train lurched forward to a station platform about a
mile from our luggage, where myself and a bunch of other unwary travelers were
dumped unceremoniously onto the cold hard concrete at the outskirts of
loserville in the middle of the night with nothing but our t-shirts and shorts
to fight against the biting cold and the howling winds.
“good luck people”, the conductor shouted as the train sped away.
“this is definitely not what i signed up for”, i muttered to myself.
June 25, 2004 040625_16.
mundane, and yet, profound i am so pissed at
columbia house.
i had a premier membership. i was a member of the music club and the dvd club. a
member in good standing, or so i thought.
a week ago, i got an email offering me special pricing on shipping and a buy one
get one free deal. so, i ordered 6 cd’s. about three or four days ago, i logged
on to see where my order was...i noticed that they had my address wrong, so i
attempted to change it online. i was worried that the cd’s i’d ordered had been
shipped to the wrong address.
so, i emailed their customer support and was told that i no longer had a music
membership, that they had no record of my membership and that it had been
cancelled.
i wrote them back that this was a mistake, that i just placed an order and they
must have it wrong.
they said that the contract i’d signed specifically stated that they reserved
the right to cancel my membership at any time, and since there had been no
activity in over 15 months, that my account was cancelled.
i wrote back and told them that in the interest of good customer service, they
should reinstate my membership and that if they didn’t, i’d cancel my dvd
membership as well.
basically, they told me i was shit out of luck, but i could always re-join.
now, i had fulfilled my obligation with them, i had premiere status, i got
special discounts and deals, i got cheaper shipping. there is no fucking way
that i’m going to re-join and have to spend more money with them just to have
the same benefits that i already had!
i know that those clubs are pretty much just designed to get as much money out
of you as they can, but i think it’s shitty that they care so little about
customer service and customer satisfaction that they can just throw you away.
i urge you go boycott columbia house and not patronize their services. they don’t
care about their customers and they don’t care about anything but making a buck.
their claims of customer service are bogus.
June 25, 2004 040625_80.
2nd entry of the day....i'm all fired up! go here
to see some funny shit
and in case you are feeling uber political...copy this and put it in your wallet.
or go here and download one for yourself
11:27 am June 26, 2004 040626_55.
all in all, it's good...really, it is...
today i'm going to march proudly with my fellow dykes. i'm not sure what i'm
going to wear yet...and that's causing me some strife...but hey, there are worse
problems in life.
and then, tomorrow is pride where i get to go march and feel proud all over
again. i am not even thinking about the wardrobe for that yet...far too
overwhelming.
on another fascinating note...i got my diary reviewed. it wasn't a great review
either...not enough extra's, too much white space...blah blah blah.
i started to let it bother me and was contemplating all kinds of changes to my
diary...and then it struck me, i like my diary the way it is...that's why i
designed it that way...
so, i'm sorry if the reviewer didn't think it was the shit...but i do, so i'm
not going to worry about it.
although, it was interesting to hear someone else's perspective, and i do
respect her opinions...it was nice of her to review it in the first place...but
i'm still not changing it...cause it's my diary and it's pretty much for me to
get my feelings on "paper" and out of my head.
don't misunderstand, i'm VERY grateful for the readership, and the feedback, and
the votes of popularity (they do wonders for my self esteem)...but really, in
all honesty...deep down...not wanting to offend ANYONE...this diary is for me
more than it is for you.
so, that being said, please don't stop reading, or reviewing, or voting for me
or any of those things that you cool cats do!
keep it real sistahs and bruthus...keep it real!
June 28, 2004 040628_33.
if you've seen one pride festival, you've seen 'em
all.
well, what a weekend! on saturday, the dyke march was awesome! there were SO
many womyn, kinda like michigan but in an urban setting! and i saw lots of
people from michigan as well. it was groovy!
we started at delores park (in the mission district) and then marched to the
castro. it was so fabulous, and my feet hurt SO much cause i was wearing my
stupid converse low tops which have absolutely no arch support whatsoever.
people were hanging out of their windows along the route with signs of support.
there were political signs, signs about gay marriage, getting bush out of office,
signs of cheer, it was very cool.
and i got to volunteer selling t-shirts and stickers and posters...we almost
completely sold out. very fun...and all the cute girls came to us...and they
took their shirts off so they could try on t-shirts. it was definitely the best
place to be volunteering! i'll do it again next year.
it was really great! i dug it.
and then on sunday was pride. it was massive! 5 city blocks long, 9 city blocks
wide! there was so much to see and do. actually, there was more to see than
there was to do.
as pride celebrations go, it was one of the best i've ever seen...but it was a
pretty typical pride celebration. lots of public drinking, lots of nakedness and
provocatively dressed people...a few freaks, a few drag queens, the sisters of
perpetual indulgence. nothing really "new" under the sun...
it's not that i don't like pride celebrations, it's just that they are pretty
much the same. same booths selling the same rainbow stuff. same vendors that you
see at most festivals and street fairs (specific to sf only). same food...it's
fun for a couple of hours.
but i don't drink, and i don't smoke, so after i've seen everything, it just
becomes painfully clear that most people are there to drink and party, and all i'm
doing is walking around watching them get drunk and party....so, after about 2
hours, i went home. it was fun...but nothing to write in my diary about...
and, as usual...on another note...i've been having this weird craving for
cigarettes...
not a craving for nicotine, per se...but more a craving for the act of smoking.
something to do with my hands perhaps...or something to do that is different...for
me anyway.
i smoked a pack a day for a long time. and i quit a long time ago. and actually,
the smell of cigarette smoke is repulsive to me...but i was thinking about that
"natural" tobacco...you know, american spirit or something like that.
actually, the impetus for this was that i saw some guy on the BART rolling a
cigarette the other day, and it looked so artsy and bohemian...and it just made
me want to roll my own, and smoke it.
i don't think i'll actually follow through with this one...but i'll definitely
keep you posted, as i know you are hanging on my every word.... (yeah, ok, that's
just not the case, but my ego needed a boost) cheers!
June 29, 2004 040629_72.
relax...it was just a dream!
i'm beat. wiped out. emotionally drained. spent. used up. done.
i had this horrible dream this morning that i went to a birthday party for me,
although it was a week early.
my parents were there, as were my ex, my cousin, and my oldest friend brooke.
there was some conflict with my ex and my mom...they weren't talking to each
other...and the party was uncomfortable. when it was time to go home, i told my
parents that i'd drive myself home...which was ok with them.
we gathered up my presents, which were all in little gift bags of varying sizes
with different colors of tissue sticking out of them. none of them had my name
on them, but they all said the same thing in french...assuming that since it was
my party, they were my presents, we took them.
my parents left, and then i realized that since i had arrived with them, i didn't
have any way to get home. so i called them on my cell phone.
then there was this weird answering machine message from my ex telling me that
since i had decided to date again, she was going to have to let me go and just
get over me...i needed to call her on my cell phone, but i was pre-occupied with
calling my parents to come get me.
then, all of a sudden, i was driving this golf cart thing, and i called my
parents to tell them nevermind, i was almost home.
i arrived at their house (which i've never seen before in real life...so it was
entirely a dream creation) to get the gifts that they had taken for me and there
were these womyn there with news about my brother.
they were going on about how he was some great prophet and that they had made
contact with him since he died....then they produced all of these envelopes
addressed to various people, my parents, myself, one was adressed to someone
named alison (with only one L).
we read the letters and they were all very disturbing. i asked my parents if
kevin had been in the midst of a full psychotic break, and wasn't he fully
medicated??!!!
then my parents went to their room, cause they were so upset, my dad was crying...and
i asked one of the girls how she knew my brother...and how they got these
letters...
she said she went to two different schools with him, and named the schools (i
can't remember the names now). and i realized that they weren't talking about my
brother, cause he never went to those schools...they had the wrong family...
i went running into my parents room to find my brothers yearbook to prove that
they had the wrong family and yelling, "it's not him, they've got the wrong one".
then the alarm went off...and i woke up.
it was one of those dreams that stays with you....you can't shake it...and you
feel mildly disturbed afterwards for hours...
and then, after getting up, i let the dogs out to do their business...and
somehow, java got out...he was in the front of the house...i was panicked!
i tried not to show it...and tried to coax him into the house with the promise
of food...which worked! but geez!!!! GEEEZZZZZ!!!
my adrenalin was pumping, and i was feeling all discombobulated from the dream...
not a good way to start the day! not a good way indeed!!
June 30, 2004 040630_2.
fat is not just a lesbian feminist issue...it's not
a bad word...use it!!! fat fat fat fat fat fat fat! nothing much to report. work
is work...home is home...stuff is stuff.
i was listening to dr. dean edell on KGO yesterday, and he started talking about
obesity and weight. he said that being obese doesn't necessarily mean that a
person is unhealthy and that it is possible to be fat and fit at the same time.
of course, we already knew this, but it was nice to hear it being said by a "credible"
public health figure on public radio in the middle of the day.
i wanted to crawl through the radio and kiss him!
of course, being fat, there was no way i was going to fit through the radio...so
i gave up that idea right away.
i then went to the tattoo studio to get a touch up on the work that was done
last saturday. it turns out that it was too soon, but i did get a chance to talk
to leslie about the fat pinup she is drawing for me.
i looked through a big book of pinups till i found one that i liked. the outfit
and style and pose, etc.
leslie said, "ok, you like her, only curvier"...and i said, "no, i like her,
only fat".
i felt proud and good and happy using the word fat in a positive light.
such an activitst i am...oy...
and on the homestead, things are pretty much normal. java stayed in the back
yard and didn't try to sneak out. the cats are snuggly and peeing in the cat box
where they ought to be peeing. expo is loving her chalupa. all is well with the
world.
now, if i could only get them to clean the house a little while i was at work,
that would be the bees knees!
oh, and before i forget...i went to cactus taqueria last night...it was delish,
as always...but i promsied my cousin i would link to city search which is a
great way to find groovy things in your area!
now, get out there and shop, eat, buy, spend...and tell 'em you found 'em on
city search!
June 30, 2004 040630_31.
ode to my favorite auntie ode to my favorite auntie
auntie
soft, sweet, smart
she is powerful and strong
she taught me to be who i am and
let me be myself
auntie
brave and courageous
she rebuilt her life in
her own image
auntie
hippie, activist, mother, wife
she knows herself, she sees herself
she
is
herself
auntie
my mother’s sister
sometimes more
of a mother to me
than anyone else
could be
auntie
my friend, my soul mate, dearest
and
most wonderful
auntie
June 30, 2004 040630_14.
two for
the price of one, and you thought there were no more bargains in the world!
today you get a two-fer!
number one
and
number two
enjoy!
July 01, 2004 040701_78.
live the life you've imagined! i'm tired and i feel like shit.
that being said, i ran into a colleague in the kitchen today and he asked me how
i was feeling. i said i felt like i had been run over by a truck.
to which he asked, "what kind of truck?". i responded, "a very big truck,
with many large wheels."
he then asked me how i would like to feel. i told him i'd like to feel like a
million bucks. he asked me what that would feel like and i rambled off a bunch
of stuff like, i'd feel awake and alert, healthy, strong, happy, carefree, etc.
it was at this point that he told me that he believes that we create our own
destinies (which i also believe, but seldom put into practice), and told me that
if i were to say, "i feel like a million bucks, i feel healthy and strong and
awake and alert, happy and carefree", that it would come to fruition.
he asked me if i'd heard of something called the sedona method, and i said i
wasn't sure...
he told me about how you release the things that bother you, you release all the
crap that's happened to you in your life...and you get to a state where you are
"un-perturbable" (his word, not mine) and then you are in a space where you
can create your own reality and life can be whatever you want it to be.
he also told me that he as some of the tapes that i could borrow if i wanted to,
to which i whole heartedly agreed.
this could be really good stuff! just what i've been looking for!
i'm going in with an open mind. we'll see what happens!
interestingly, my horoscope said something like this would be happening.
July 02, 2004 040702_3.
get your political shit together
i was thinking this morning...about bush.
NO! not that bush, the current supposed president of the united states silly!
about how there are all these groups like move on and not in our name and ACT,
topple bush, as well as
Act for Change
America Coming Together (ACT)-Organizing millions of Americans to defeat Bush
American Family Voices
Amnesty International
Apollo Alliance-Committed to freeing us from reliance on foreign oil and moving
us toward clean renewable energy sources
BushGreenwatch.org-MoveOn.org site devoted to tracking Bush's environmental
record
Bushsecrecy.org-Find out what is being done to obtain public records being kept
secret
Center for American Progress-Good
Progressive commentary
Center for Public Integrity
Center for Economic and Policy Research
Common Cause
Democratic Nat'l Comm.
DemocracyNow
Democrats.org-New grassroots movement oriented site of the DNC
Draftresistance.org
Earthjustice
Earthsite.org Grassroots for America-Resource for progressive grassroots
organizations across the country to help them
GreatMystery.org-Working for World Peace
International A.N.S.W.E.R.-Anti-war group
International Action Center
League of Conservation Voters
MoveOn.org
National Environmental Trust -Environmental action network
National Resource Defense Council-Bush's environmental record
New Civilization Network
Open Secrets/Center for Responsive Politics-Where you can find the money behind
the politics
Petro Politics-Helping to remove our dependence from big oil
Reclaimdemocracy.org
Ruckus Society
SaveOurEnvironment.org
Save Roe-Planned Parenthood group working to protect Roe v Wade
TakeBackTheMedia
Tradewatch.org-Global Trade Watch
TrueMajority.org
USTogether.org-Information sharing for peace and security
Veteran's for Peace
VetsForJustice
VoteNoWar.org-Anti-war group, vote to bring the troops home now!
VoteToImpeach.org
White House for Sale-Ralph Nader/Public Citizen web site that tracks larger
donations made to Bush
WorkingforChange
it's enough to make someone complacent that things are being done to get rid of
bush (bad bush, not good bush)...
if one was so inclined, they could even be apathetic about the whole thing.
i remember when bush got elected, i felt a serious foreboding and intense fear
that my life as i knew it was going to be radically changed. that we were in for
some baaaaaad shit!
for the most part, i was right.
we must get this evil man out of office! WE MUST GET THIS EVIL MAN OUT OF OFFICE!
there can be no apathy, there can be no feeling of, "well, someone else will
take care of it"...we must all take responsibility as if our vote is the final
decision making vote, and if we don't cast it, it will be our fault if bush
doesn't go and we will have to face whatever the consequences of our actions are.
i'm not being hysterical here! there are lots of bush supporters out there.
he could conceivable win the next election. there are lots of people (billionaires
et al) that will gleefully vote for bush.
they will come out in droves to re-elect their president (he's certainly not our
president is he?)
we have to be vigilant and exacting in our task. we have to campaign for whoever
runs against him (Kerry) in a unified fashion...we can't vote willy nilly and
throw away our votes for fringe candidates just to prove the point that we don't
like any of them.
we must come out in droves to get this man as far away from the white house as
possible.
he's done enough damage and we will be feeling the after effects of what what he
has done for a long time.
it's not too late to steel your resolve and become more political. it's not too
late to make your voice heard. it's not too late to talk to your friends and co-workers
and even strangers on the streets about politics.
make informed decisions. be smart about it...but do it! just do it!
because moving en masse to canada just isn't fair to the canadians!
July 03, 2004 040703_17.
a window into my soul i’m reading this book called
body outlaws. it’s a book in which people discuss new beauty ideals and casting
off the proscribed ways in which we are taught to perceive loveliness in the
world as dictated by societal norms.
there are essays by people of all different walks of life talking about their
own self-hatred and unhappiness with their bodies and how they are learning to
change their ways of thinking and what they are doing to overcome the societal
stereotypes of what it means to be pretty and accepted in this world.
it got me thinking about my own self-hatred and my own struggle to feel ok in
this body
i started to realize that some of my self-deprecations are an armor of sorts. a
defense mechanism that keeps me safe. if i hate myself and find extreme fault
and disgust with my body, then there isn’t much that anyone else can do or say
to make me feel bad about myself because i can make myself feel worse - you can’t
hurt me with your hatred.
i understand (and have understood for a while) that i don’t feel from the neck
down. i completely disassociate from my body. i live in my head. i don’t want to
feel my sickening fat rolls. the way that my ass barely fits in the seat. i don’t
want to feel my huge breasts straining against the under wire while it presses
into my flesh. i don’t want to feel my stomach as it rests against my legs,
flopped over like the wet rag i used to wash the countertops flops over the
faucet.
i don’t want to be in my body. so i live in my head. i don’t feel myself. i
pierce and i tattoo so that i can feel something that causes pain but leaves a
beautiful result. something i can look at afterwards with pride and delight, not
disgust and revulsion.
i don’t look into mirrors. my fat face staring back at me saying, “who are you?
how did you get so fat?? what happened?”
i don’t diet because i couldn’t survive losing the weight only to gain back what
i lost and then some. i can’t imagine being bigger than i am now. i don’t know a
time when a diet has lasted in my life. i don’t know a time when i’ve lost
weight and kept it off. i can’t do it again, only to be fatter as the result.
i heard on dr. dean edell that some obesity research from UC Berkeley has shown
that girls who were put on serious weight loss diets before the age of 14 had a
much higher chance of being obese womyn.
my mother started me on weight watchers when i was 12 - so i guess statistically,
i’m right where i was set up to be.
and although it’s easy for me to talk about how much disgust i feel when i look
at myself or how much i hate myself, i’m not asking for sympathy and i don’t
need people telling me how great i am or how i should appreciate myself more
because i’m so great.
the loathing i feel for myself, the absolute revulsion i feel about myself runs
so deep that sometimes i have a hard time understanding how i ever felt
differently about myself. surely, i’ve been this way since i was born? there
couldn’t possibly have been a time when i thought i was ok? i don’t know. i don’t
have any memory of it.
i am the product of 36 years of being beaten down by society. 36 years of being
beaten down by my mother and trying to live up the person that she wants me to
be. trying to live up to a person who doesn’t exist.
and as a result, becoming a person who doesn’t exist. not knowing who i am or
what i want to do with my life. not knowing anything for sure, except for how
much i detest this vessel that i am traversing my journey in.
and so, that hatred, that revulsion and disgust, that intolerance of self and
inability to feel - those are the things that i cling to. those are the things
that i have become because i don’t know how else, or who else to be.
July 05, 2004 040705_96.
poetic greatness! i wrote this incredible poem last
night as i was falling asleep...great i tell you!
i kept telling myself to get up and write it down, "nah..it's great, you'll
remember it when you wake up, how could you not?! with such poetic greatness..."
so, i woke up this morning and all i could remember is this:
obstinant
utterly defiant
?????????
??????????
you can't just take that
????????????
????????????
????????????
????????????
you're not the boss of me
????????????
????????????
????????????
????????????
????????????
(end of poem)
really powerful huh! i'm one helluva poet, i tell you!
i should be published, in all the book stores....i should be doing readings all
over the country!
it's just all so mysterious, i can't explain it!
next time i tell myself to get up and write it down, i should listen. cause
really, when has that inner voice failed me??
never it tell you! never!!!
July 05,
2004 040705_95.
quack-ety-quack quack quack!
this is dudly....he's my pet duck.
he's very cute, but he doesn't do much. he just watches you and quacks
ocassionally.
very infrequently, he will get up and fly across the page...but only if you sit
and watch him for a very long time.
thank you for visiting dudly.
adopt your own virtual pet!
July 06, 2004 040706_34.
i call
unto thee, oh Lord... i have this routine in the mornings. i get up, i let the
dogs out, i take a shower...and while i’m in the shower, i wash my hair, and
then i get on my knees and bow down my head and i pray...or rather, i talk to
God. then i wash the rest of myself and get out and get dressed, feed the dogs,
etc...
but this morning, i got down to pray, and i just felt completely empty. my heart
was heavy, i felt weary. i had nothing to say to God. i had no words...not even
my usual, “thank you for my family and friends and thank you for the animals”.....
i think i’m having a crisis of faith.
it’s not that i have lost my faith in God per se, but i have lost my faith that
God can help me.
i know that God is there for other people...but i feel like i have gone so far
down the tubes, that perhaps, i’m not worth saving...
there are so many other people that need Gods help....people far more deserving
than me.
i was watching the movie DOGMA this weekend....and the two errant angels, loki
and bartleby are wreaking havoc over all the sinners...killing people seemingly
at random. there is utter chaos, and then alanis morissette arrives and makes it
all better.
i feel like need that kind of healing, i need alanis to come make it all better.
i need her to poke me in the nose and say “meep” or something like that...in a
loving fashion.
sometimes i feel so wholly and desperately alone.
sometimes i think that my life is so fucked up and my self image is so twisted
and dark that it’ll be better off if i just fade into non-existence. i’m not
doing anything productive with my life...i’m just taking up space.
and far too much space at that.
i think about my parents...and how disappointed they must be that their lives
didn’t turn out the way they had planned.
they didn’t ever plan to have a child commit suicide, they certainly didn’t plan
for a gay daughter....
i’m sure they planned for the whole ozzy and harriet picture...nice little
family....2.5 kids who grow up to give them grandchildren...who they can dote on
in their golden years after retirement...
and here they are, rapidly approaching their golden years, they both still have
to work, one kid is dead, the other is a dyke...no prospect for grand kids....and
to top it off, their remaining kid...the dyke, is a complete failure...and fat
to boot.
and i think about what’s going to happen when they die...what will become of me?
sometimes, i think i’m just staying around because of them...because i couldn’t
bear to disappoint them further by leaving...because they wouldn’t survive
losing another kid...
i know i spend a lot of time seeming to be feeling sorry for myself...i really
don’t feel sorry for myself, nor am i looking for someone to say something nice
to me or compliment me or anything like that....i just feel a deep underlying
sadness that never goes away...and i try. i work on myself, i go to therapy...i
do the footwork...but it doesn’t seem to lead anywhere.
i believe that everything happens for a reason...i also believe that we have to
keep doing things until we get it right....
it just makes me wonder what i did (or didn’t do) in past lives that i have to
have such a difficult time in this one.
July 07, 2004 040707_5.
rock the vote more political rhetoric...or is it???
pants on fire
one term president
one thousand reasons
525 reasons
stop bush
citizens for a legitimate government
bush backlash
fear bush
read some of it and decide for yourselves.
and if you haven’t seen Fahrenheit 9/11 yet, go now. leave work...get off your
butt...go...now
what are you still doing here?? GO!
7:22
am July 08, 2004 040708_37.
an now, for your recurring viewing pleasure DR.
TATE: No. Mr. Hill, you were born with no muscle mass here, no cushioning. For
years you've basically been sitting on your spine. You suffer from a disease
called Diminished Gluteal Syndrome, or DGS.
HANK: I don't understand. What does that mean?
DR. TATE: Mr. Hill, you have no ass.
i have this recurring dream where i am driving my car, usually with passengers
and i have to go over some hunormous bridge or freeway ramp that goes way up
into the sky and is so narrow that cars are constantly falling off of it.
the dream always starts out with me in traffic, or having taken the wrong exit.
in order to get wherever it is that i am supposed to be going, i have to take
this bridge or on/off ramp that goes impossibly skyward.
while driving on the nearly vertical and narrow road, i cannot see the road
ahead of me, and it’s a crap shoot whether or not i’ll stay on the pavement. (which
i always manage to do somehow).
at some point, whilst motoring on this insufferable road, i invariably hit a
turn in which i am going much too fast to survive. but miraculously, i stay on
the road, all the while white-knuckling it and feeling the terror as i watch
other cars plummet earthward after miscalculating their turn or improperly
navigating .
usually, my brother is in the car...or magically appears in the car at some
point or another.
eventually, we get off the crazy highway...although, i don’t recall ever
arriving at any particular destination.
i wonder what this dream means. i mean, it could be a gazillion different things...being
afraid of moving forward or being successful, having a fear of driving on narrow
high freeways, fear of failure ñ even though i don’t fail (maybe it’s a lesson)...whatever
it is...i’m sure that i’m destined to learn the lesson the hard way, as i
usually am prone to doing.
at any rate, i figure, i’ll keep having the dream until i figure out what it is
that my subconscious is trying to tell me.
i guess it could be worse.
on tuesday, i went to get my tattoo touched up. while i was there, my tattoo
artist’s girlfriend came by and she sat and chatted with me while leslie did her
thing.
she was a very nice person. very interesting. i asked them how they met and they
told me a very romantic story...you know, their eyes met across the room, they
knew immediately that there was an attraction. it took a while, a little cat and
mouse playing, and now they are together and they are oh so happy.
we were chatting, and the gf asked me if i was seeing anyone. i said, “no, i’m
not, i’m just waiting for the perfect womyn to come waltzing into my life.”
she said, emphatically, never stop waiting, she’ll come.
it gave me hope. and at this point in my life, i’d rather be alone, i’m enjoying
my alone-ness....so it wouldn’t be prudent for ms. perfect to come a-waltzing
right now.
leslie is working on a couple of pieces for me. a fat pin-up girl for my right
calf, and a thin pin-up girl for my left calf. it’ll show the many faces of true
beauty and that beauty doesn’t come in body size.
i’m excited about it...but i have to save up some serious money before i can
even get started on it.
links.
linky linky, i'm not stinky links!
other web sites of interest:
funny
homestar runner
no weapons here!
jib jab
political
pants on fire
one term president
one thousand reasons
525 reasons
stop bush
citizens for a legitimate government
bush backlash
fear bush
amnesty international
move on
ad busters
glbtq
queer berkeley
butch-femme
human rights campaign
informative, cool, and otherwise
some really GREAT art!
some really GREAT music!
craigslist
wordsmyth
translations made simple
jib jab
womyn and size positive
michigan womyn's music festival
fat!so?
code pink
all about my vagina
nolose.org
body positive
big fat blog
center for reproductive rights
pro-choice america
national womyn's law center
about face
July 08, 2004 040708_92.
thank you,
and goodnight
calling the depressed, fed up, tired, spent, and worn out masses...
calling the weary, the burned out, the disappointed, discouraged and
disillusioned...
calling those that have given up, those that are thinking about giving up, and
those that haven’t really thought about it, but after reading this have decided
to give up...
has your life turned out how you thought it would? did you become the adult that
you dreamed you’d be when you were small? are you satisfied with your job, home,
status, significant other? if so, read no further, this isn’t for you.
but if you can answer no to any of those questions, this might just be your
answer!
if you’ve come to the conclusion that life is just a series of disappointments
and that what you wanted for yourself is just so far from happening that it
probably never will, then come join us (myself and ainslee’s mom ).
we have decided to form a fringe cult, much like the heaven’s gate group in
which we will live for a while, doing things that would be considered eccentric...we
will have an internet presence, and we might do something to bring down “dubya”
if we can....
we’ll stockpile weapons so we can get the attention of the ATF and the FBI...we’ll
probably live communally somewhere in oklahoma...although, any of the midwestern
states are an option...
and then, we’ll all commit suicide together out of hopeless desperation to end
our miserable lives.
if this is something that might interest you, let us know so we can start
planning. ya know, the more the merrier...
July 10, 2004 040710_57.
ode to the great story tellers i have nothing to
say.
i know that there have been times in the past that i've had nothing to say, and
wound up writing an incredibly witty and entertaining entry that kept people
talking and chuckling to themselves for days, no, weeks on end...
but this time, i really have nothing to say.
i could make something up...some swashbuckling tale of me on the high seas...some
brave story of me saving some beautiful princess from an insanely high and
dangerously tilting tower.
i could invent an anecdote about how i won the west...beating back general santa
ana's army and defending the alamo...helping texas to win her freedom and become
independent...but that's pretty much someone else's story and it's already been
told.
i could spin a yarn about traveling to the himalayas and meeting up with various
yeti, sherpas, and other holy wisemen on their way to enlightenment...but that
would be a flat out lie now, wouldn't it...
nope, i really have nothing to say.
July 11, 2004 040711_9.
a fun day in touristville
i had a really fun day yesterday with my favorite auntie and my cousin!
we had breakfast (very yummy breakfast at that) at chloe's and then we went down
to the wharf to shop for chotchkies...you see, my cousin is getting married in
october, and my auntie wants to put together a cute little "welcome to san
francisco" gifty type basket for all the out of town guests staying at the
hotel...so we were looking for things to fill the baskets...
we walked around and looked at stuff...and talked...and kibbitzed...and were
having a really fun time!
we even ran over and posed with some strangers in their little family picture.
they were all posed on one of those giant decorative anchor/boat tie things that
line the boardwalk...all cute and smiling and we walked up just as they were
going to take the picture.
my auntie said, "wouldn't it be funny if we got in their picture?", and the
next thing i knew, we were all posing with them...they were kinda shocked, but
they took the picture anyway...it was funny, and fun!
it always amazes me to see my cousin so grown up. i mean, i've seen her as a
grown up many times, but for some reason, it always takes me aback a little bit.
first of all, she is stunning. absolutely gorgeous. her fiance (an amazingly
talented artist) painted her portrait...you can see it here...any of the three
thumbnails in the lower right corner are my cousin.
but, as talented as he is, the paintings don't really do her beauty justice. she's
pretty amazing...and really wise...i like hanging out with her...i learn a lot!
but anyway, back to the day...we decided that we'd go to ghirardelli and have
ourselves a sundae...so we were walking from pier 39 and all of a sudden, i had
to pee....so i found a bathroom and waited in line for an interminable period of
time...while i was waiting, i was incredibly uncomfortable...and my thighs were
all hot and sweaty...and i just had to pee...
i'm waiting in that ridiculous line, thinking, "i could just go to the front
and tell them i had an emergency..." but i decided to tough it out, after all,
who am i to take cuts in front of all of those tourists? so, i finally get my
turn at a stall...go in, sit down, only to discover that my thighs weren't
sweaty....they were covered in blood...i was bleeding!
fuck! fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
i cleaned myself up, made a makeshift tampon out of toilet paper, and went back
out to my patiently waiting cousin...my auntie had decided to go get some clams...so
we both waited for her to get back...
after that, we walked down to get our sundaes...and i was hit with INCREDIBLY
BAD cramps...not friendly at all...
so as we walked down the street...or rather, my cousin and my auntie walked, and
i sort of crampily hobbled...the conversation turned to menstruation, and
womynhood, and menopause...it was very enlightening and i can tell you, i'd
rather be bleeding than going through "the change".
at any rate, we got to ghirardelli, and the line was forever long, so we decided
to skip it. we got an ice cream at some little place by where we parked (my
cousin was disappointed....she wanted a cable car sundae with the hard shell
topping) and then we left.
they dropped me off at the BART station cause they were going to do some more
shopping and i needed to get home to the dogs, in addition to feeling like 4000
average sized men were kicking me in the uterus on a continual basis...
we hugged our goodbyes, i hopped out of the car and we went our separate ways.
it was fun! i love hanging out with them!
July 12, 2004 040712_86.
profound realization...or...giving up, giving in
as i stepped into my thinking place this morning...i was struck with a thought.
it was about "her"...i hadn't had a thought like that about "her" in a long
time.
all of a sudden, i was struck with how much i loved her. how my love for her was
profound, and deep. it was complete.
and i also thought that she will probably never know anyone again in her life
who loved her so thoroughly...i mean, i'm sure her current girlfriend loves her
very much, i'm not discounting that...but i don't believe that it is with the
same intensity of love that i felt for her.
it didn't make me sad or anything...it just made me realize that i will probably
never feel that way about another human being again as long as i live.
she was my "it"....my soul mate...my perfect partner. i believe you get that
chance only once in each lifetime. and it kind of made me mad at her that she
could walk away so easily without so much as a fight for that great love....
but that's my cross to bear, as clearly, "she" has moved on.
and i wish her happiness only.
but i am coming closer to grips with the fact that i'll probably be alone
forever.
July 12, 2004 040712_48.
how can this be happening???
this is an outrage! a fucking outrage!
there is discussion of postponing the presidential election because there is a
fear that Al-Qa'ida plans to attack us on the day of the election in order to
disrupt the democratic process!
what the fuck!?!
there is credible evidence that the president knew about the attacks on the
world trade center on september 11th and did NOTHING about that!!!!
NOTE: It should be emphasized that at the time Bush was notified of the first
plane attack, he (unlike the rest of America) was already aware that Osama bin
Laden was planning to attack America by hijacking airplanes, per the August 6,
2001 Presidential Daily Brief (PDB). He was also aware, of course, that the
World Trade Center had been historically a target for terrorist attacks. He
nonetheless went ahead with this photo opportunity in a school full of children.
(taken from here)
if they are so worried about us being attacked? why didn’t they do anything to
stop the attacks on 09/11???
this president only wants to instill fear in the american people so that he can
prolong his presidency/dictatorship as long as possible.
do we have any assurances at all that he won’t proclaim himself dictator and
abolish the elections altogether?
i don’t see how it is possible that there could still be a person in the united
states of america that doesn’t see this man for what he is! he is greedy, evil,
self-centered, and doesn’t give a shit about the people of the country that he
is running (into the ground).
because of him...and his cabinet....we are one of the most hated people on the
planet! how do we possibly fix that??? how do we remedy all the pain and
suffering that he has brought to so many people??
we have to do something! i don’t know what we can do as a people, short of
marching to the white house...all of us....all 293,027,571 of us! march up to
the white house and refuse to leave until he vacates the premises...
if anyone else has any better ideas, please speak up!!! we need to band together
and put a stop to this craziness!!!
July 13, 2004 040713_4.
the landscape of my dreams...
the landscape of my dreams is so odd...it is a world with impossibly narrow high
roads and freeways, cliffs which face a beach and are subject to massive tidal
waves which do not have the power to sweep people away, strange glass buildings
that are tucked into and under large caves and rocks, beach trails that turn
into forest paths. there is a strange shopping mall...and a enormous space age
hotel with elevators that go every which way. they have a casino...i always win
lots of money there, or, if i don’t win, i stumble upon a machine that has money
just sitting in it, waiting for me to take it. and the money in my dream world...it’s
odd as well...sometimes the coins are coin-like, other times, they are
rectangular chunks of metal, stamped with some monetary-looking and official
stamp...probably from the government of this strange place.
i’ve had babies in this world...i’ve graduated from high school and college
numerous times...i’ve been stuck in high school when i suddenly realize that i
have a college degree and don’t need to be there...i’ve moved more times than i
can count. i’ve packed up my animals in strange cages and boxes, squishing them
into ridiculously small areas.
the world of my dreams is peopled with faceless, nameless others who walk along
the paths, cling to the cliffs, and drive on the strange roads...as well as my
brother, my dad, old childhood friends, and my grandmother. my mother emerges
every once in a while...my cousin drops by...and sometimes “she” is there.
other people i know make their cameo appearances, but they never stay for long.
usually, it’s me and lots of strangers.
they say that you are all the people in your dreams...which makes me a
smattering of a bunch of unknowns...my brain, splintered into a whole bunch of
people that i will never know...that’s comforting...
i’ve been worried that expo or java, or nicky would escape, or run away. i’ve
had to remind the people in my dreams to close the doors so that the animals
didn’t get out. i’ve lived in public houses, and arrived at schools just in time
to go pick my bed from enormous dormitories with hundreds of rooms. i’ve had
roommates, and rearranged my furniture.
i’ve had jobs...worked in offices...gone to a strange amusement park with crazy
rides and magnificent roller coasters. this unusual place has water slides which
start out as raft or boat rides and end up as water slides...the layout of the
amusement park is always different, but i always know my way around. there is a
ride similar to “mr. toad’s wild ride” at disneyland...you go and get into a car
that pulls up along a moving sidewalk...but the similarities end there. in my
ride, you go through dark tubes and are sucked into spaces that have monsters in
them...but you never see them. you rarely stay in your little car...and usually
wind up either being propelled by some unseen force, or walking through part of
the dark ride...
there are funhouse mirrors...and caves in which you go in and never come out
again...
there is an amazon-like jungle with a river that courses through it...there are
rapids and logs and rocks in the water, but i’m always able to ride the river
without the use of a boat or raft...just me in the water, somehow protected from
any dangers.
i never know what part of my dream world i’ll wind up in...i can’t plan a trip...i
just wind up somewhere...and very rarely do i traverse from one area to another...usually,
i go to the amusement park, or i’m walking on the face of a cliff (i’m not sure
how that works, but i’m always walking on the cliff face...on a little ledge or
path). i’m either floating down the river, or shopping in the mall, or driving
on the freeway...but i never go from one place to the next.
it’s a strange place...the topography of my brain...the environment in my head...the
land of my dreams.
an nice place to visit sometimes....and sometimes not...
July 14, 2004 040714_41.
it's the little things in life
once again, i wrote a beautifully descriptive and entertaining entry last night
as i was falling asleep...sure again that i would remember it in the morning
only to wake up to an empty, yet sleepy brain.
when, do you ëspose, will i learn??? probably never, as is typically the case
with me.
i tend to have to learn things the hard way. not just one or two things...but
apparently, everything, from the most important to the most mundane.
now, it is clear to me that most people of average intelligence would probably
be able to modify their behavior so that they would not have to continue to
learn the hard lesson...but to take life’s information as it comes and gain
knowledge from what it has to teach them...but not me...i have to do things that
are potentially detrimental...i have to paint myself into a corner and have used
up all of my options before i can slap myself on the forehead and say “aha! i
get it!”
and generally...i have to paint myself into said corner more than once before
the lesson sinks in.
such is my burden i guess...i’m hard headed. some people might call it stubborn.
mule-like....asinine...so to speak.
last night, i had a wonderful moment...i get to experience this quite a lot...but
i’ve never really written about it. i must say that each time it happens, i am
filled with such a wonderful feeling of peace and warmth, and i am fully in the
moment.
i am completely aware of how lucky i am to enjoy such an experience and i am so
grateful for it...
the moment is this....java, my min pin, lays on my chest and rests his head on
my shoulder or in last night’s case, my face...he lays there peacefully (which
is quite a feat for such an oft-hyper dog) and falls asleep. his breathing slows
and becomes regular and his soft body relaxes...sometimes, he falls into a dream
and his little feet twitch...it’s absolutely blissful.
the fact that he trusts me and loves me so much as to allow himself to
completely relax while laying on me is a huge blessing. i love that dog so much!
and expo, too big to really lay on my chest, lays next to me and sleeps.
sometimes, she’ll rest her head on my chest, or lay across me and ask for her
belly to be rubbed...but she prefers to sleep next to me on the bed...
sometimes, she looks at me with such love in her eyes...i adore her too!
i know how lucky i am to have such amazing animal companions. i wish that i
could spend all my time with them. they do nothing but love me....and want to
play. what a life that is!
i suppose i could learn from them...use them as an example in my life.
that would probably be a good thing.
July 15, 2004 040715_33.
we can dream...right? keep hope alive!
July 16, 2004 040716_58.
comments
on "The Life of Pi" If you've read Life of Pi by Yann Martel, please post a
comment in the comments forum below.
hope you dug it as much as i did!
July
16, 2004 040716_21.
no way around it....you're fucked
WARNING - RELATIVELY NEGATIVE ENTRY AHEAD - THOSE WITH WEAK CONSTITUTIONS SHOULD
PROBABLY TURN BACK NOW
i hate everyone.
there, i’ve said it...
now, of course, i don’t hate you....or you either...and i definitely don’t hate
you....but everyone else, i hate.
most of all, i hate money.
i owe quite a bit of it. i owe the vet about $5000.00, the dentist $4000.00, the
IRS $2000.00, and Cal State Long Beach $557.66.
i make payments on a monthly basis...$100.00 to the vet, $50.00 to the dentist,
$100.00 to the government, and $65.00 to CSULB. but yesterday, i came home to a
letter from said university telling me that it was my final past due notice. so,
i called the school, telling them that i thought i was on a payment plan, and
that i’ve been making good faith payments, and what was the deal.
i was told that the only “good faith” payment that i could possibly have made
was to pay it all in full before it went past due....and that there was no such
thing as a payment plan once an account was past due and there was nothing i
could do to stop them from taking action against me. the guy was an ass.
i asked him if i could speak to someone else, he said that he was the only
person there...so i asked him what his supervisor’s name is...he said it was Mr.
Nielson...i then asked for his name....he said it was dennis.
“and your last name?” i asked...
“we don’t give our our last names” he said defiantly
“you don’t give out your last names???” i asked, incredulously. “you can give
out other people’s last names but you can’t give out your own?”
“my name is dennis, i’m the only dennis here. i won’t give you my last name”
fuck...people are idiots...what does he think i’m going to do with his last name?
fire bomb his house??? (not that the thought didn’t cross my mind)
so, i told him he’d been very helpful in my most sarcastic tone, and hung up.
fortunately, he never asked me for my name or student id number, so he has no
idea who i was...
why do people who work in those types of positions have to be such dick heads? i’ve
NEVER spoken to a person in a collections office who wasn’t.
and the thing is, they don’t know my situation. they don’t know that i’m living
paycheck to paycheck, trying to make ends meet....they just assume that i’m
trying to screw them out of their money.
i’d like nothing more than to pay them all off and be done with it forever....
do they think that i like being verbally abused and harangued on semi-regular
basis? they must...
they must go through some sort of ass hole training session...
maybe the advertisements for jobs like that look something like this:
*******Job Openining********
Collections Agent
Job Description: you will be responsible for calling up nice people and
harassing them about the money they owe. you will be expected to call them names,
tell them they suck, and make them feel like shit. extra bonuses will be paid
for making them cry or hang up on you in a fit of rage. you will be provided
with a script for making them feel worthless and plenty of accusatory terms. you
will also be permitted to threaten them with legal action if they do not comply.
compensation commensurate with experience, only the extremely mean and difficult
should apply.
of course i called my mom cause i was needing some comfort...(slapping self in
forehead...chanting, “the well is dry, the well is dry”)
that was, shall we say, less than satisfying. i was told to get a roommate (in
my one bedroom apartment) or get another job (after working 40 hours a week).
frankly, i don’t know why i’m trying so hard to be a good person...i mean, i
just keep getting kicked, i might as well just do something really criminal...then
i’ll go to jail, won’t have to worry about rent, or a job...get 3 squares and a
cot and all the time i want to sit around and do nothing.
sounds enticing, no?
July 17, 2004
040717_32.
terror, fear, danger descending upon me!
i woke up this morning to chaos.
dogs dancing on me, digging me up, whining, balls being flung at me. barking,
whining, more digging...it was joyous and chaotic at the same time, and yet...there
was a tense foreboding just under the surface...what did they want? why were
they attacking me?
i did my best to hold my ground for as long as i could, pillows over my head,
hands hidden away from the digging claws...until i could hold out no longer. i
had to give in or risk being torn to shreds...the shrieks and cries of my
attackers sure to drive me insane.
their whines and yelps as they waged war on me were enough to chill a person's
blood. just used to instill fear and submission, it sounded like a huge army of
wild beasts decending upon me.
i finally gave in, wrested from my sweet slumber, trembling slightly at the fear
of what they might do to me if i hadn't turned myself over to them...i climbed
out of my comfortable bed.
what could these dreadful beasts want from me? why were they hell bent on either
getting me out of bed or tearing my body to pieces with their vicious and deadly
claws...what was to be my fate?? what was to happen to me when i set foot on
their territory??
it was to become painfully clear to me as i walked into the living room...fear
gripping my soul, beads of cold sweat dripping from my forehead...
all they wanted was breakfast and a little play time.
July 19, 2004 040719_16.
a common thread connects us
i had a mellow weekend. i spent all of saturday at home, just chillin’...didn’t
do a speck of housework like i told myself i would. watched re-run’s of the
practice that i had tivo’d and played with the doggies and catties. it was nice.
on sunday, i went with the filmmaker to the city. we had brunch at green’s and
then went on a mini driving tour of the city...before finally landing at old
navy, where i purchased a couple of necessities.
we fortunately found a parking space that wasn’t too far from our destination (always
a concern because the filmmaker has difficulty walking and happened to be in a
lot of pain on sunday.)
there was a particular place that she wanted to go in order to get a particular
thing...it happened to be right down the street from where we parked.
so, we ambled down the street...we were decidedly the minority, for more reasons
than two...we’re womyn, we’re lesbians, and we’re white...most of the people on
this particular street were black men...hanging out in doorways, having their
social time. it was apparent that most of them were less fortunate than
ourselves. some of them looked downright down on their luck.
i noticed a man with extremely ill fitting dentures, he looked a little funny,
like he was wearing someone else’s teeth. there were a few older men sitting in
front of a building. they looked like they were doing their usual sunday
afternoon activity. there was a very nice, very tall man who wished us a good
morning, and good afternoon, and then asked me if i wanted to have lunch with
him. there was a young womyn with an old face who didn’t have any shoes...a
group of hispanic (or is it latino??) people (2 guys and a girl) taunting an
obviously mentally ill homeless man, there were others...people asking for my
spare change, people sleeping in doorways while others walked by laden down with
shopping bags, completely unaware of the urban drama going on around them.
it was a different reality from where i spend most of my time. these folks were
living in a different world than mine. far different from my nice little street
where the families sit out on their porches and watch their children play or
kibbitz with their neighbors.
it seemed like these street people were so alone...and yet, they had each other...a
family of choice rather than a family of origin.
and of course, i know that i’m making assumptions about them, i realize that i
know nothing about them and the reasons that they are hanging out on the streets...i
understand that there is no way that i could ever truly understand their
suffering, or their joy. their true selves will probably always be a mystery to
me...but their outward appearances, their faÁades hiding what is behind, masking
their true identities...that is what i see...their outer shell, their protection
against the world and all of its cruelty.
i wonder if people look at me and see my pain? or if they see their own pain
reflected in me as i saw my own pain reflected in the mostly men and some womyn
that i saw on sunday?
it is a profound reminder of how alike we all are. there but for the grace of
God go any of us. we are all connected, we are all the same.
July 20, 2004 040720_80.
the rules are stupid! break them!
i was wondering today, about why things have to be “age specific”...i mean...it’s
“socially acceptable” for a 14 year old kid to wear cut off shorts and messy
hair and ride a skateboard while wearing their headphones and listening to their
recently illegally downloaded mp3’s....but if a 50 year old were to do the same
thing, people would think they were acting childish...either that or they were
nuts.
likewise, if a little kidlette were to put on a suit and tie and order a double
latte w/ extra foam, people would say, “oh, how cute, he’s trying to act all
grown up”...or, “boy, that kid’s got major problems, i wouldn’t want to be his
mom.”
and so it is with tattoos and piercings, it is assumed that one will grow out of
such things. people often asked the marked, “what are you going to do when you’re
80?!? huh??” (as if 80 were some magic age when suddenly, all your tattoos turn
into poisonous snakes or something equally icky)
my general response to that one is, “i’ll be 80”...but i digress
why is it that certain activities should only be enjoyed by certain groups and
completely shunned by others?
who made up that stupid rule??
and why don’t they make slides in public parks wide enough for “grown up types”
to enjoy? by making them only narrow enough for little kid butts, they are
excluding an entire group...probably the majority of the population from
experiencing the fun of sliding.
now, i’m not suggesting that all age limits be removed from things. i think it’s
good that certain toys made for children under 3 should still be played with by
children under 3...and if a grown up kid wants to play with them, all the
merrier...the difference being that the grown up kid knows (or should know) not
to put small pieces in their mouths...
i think it’s good that alcohol isn’t legal for 10 year olds....and that you have
to wait to be a certain age to drive a car or buy a gun or vote...
those rites of passage are kinda cool...things to look forward to, in a sense (”hey
grandma...tell me again about when you got your first gun!!”)
all i’m saying, is that it shouldn’t be unusual for a person of a certain age (say,
50) to have a piercing or tattoo. and it shouldn’t be seen as abnormal if a
large kid (read grown up) wants to play on the slide. it should be considered
perfectly reasonable if a person in an adult body wants to skateboard to work in
their ripped up clothes with their mp3 player on. just as it should be
respectable if some little kid wants to carry a briefcase.
we all have to “grow up” so fast anyways, so says society....i say fuck it. why
grow up? why conform to such rigid stereotypes?
i say, live a little!
July 21, 2004
040721_71.
all bets are off!
i think i’ll take my social cues from public figures...cause they seem to really
know how to conduct themselves appropriately in public.
i’m going to start calling people names when they don’t do what i want them to
do...ala the governator
you don’t do what i want...you’re a “girly-man” or an ass hole, or a dick wad,
or worse...
and from now on, i’m above the law...if i want to molest children, or embezzle
money, that is my own “small personal matter” and after all, i’m a good person,
and there are many good people who went to prison....look at nelson mandella....
and speaking of molesting children....whatever happened to michael jackson
anyway...did you notice that we stopped hearing about him when the war started??
perhaps it’s some kind of strange conspiracy engineered to get mj out of the
press...
i’m going to murder my pregnant wife, and then deny it till the cows come home.
i’m going to trash hotel rooms, i’m going to throw litter out my car window...they
sky’s the limit!
i don’t have to worry about consequences at all! in fact, i think i’ll appoint
myself dictator and abolish all elections while i’m at it...maybe start a war or
two on false pretense.
taking responsibility for your actions is so passe, so gauche...it’s time to
take action against all the do-gooders in the world...miss manners can go to
hell! i’m doin’ what i want and i don’t care who i hurt in the process.
and if you're feelin' feisty, check this out...it's the funniest thing i've seen
in a long time!
July 22, 2004 040722_29.
around and around and around she goes...where she stops, nobody knows!
i gotta tell you, i am really struggling. i looked at myself in the mirror last
night, my whole self (i generally only look at my face and make a concerted
effort not to see the rest of me) and i am the biggest i’ve ever been in my
whole life.
i am really uncomfortable with that...for many reasons. first of all, i’m
uncomfortable in my own skin. second of all, i’m incredibly anxious about my
mother and father seeing me...since i’ve been told that when i was this fat
before, it was the most painful thing that my mother and father have ever had to
go through and it was horrible for them to see me like this...
i’m going to see them in october, at my cousin’s wedding...and i’m dreading it.
i’m completely dreading the whole thing. i wish that there was some way that i
could just not go, but i want to help my cousin celebrate her marriage and honor
her and her new husband on their special day.
if only i could be invisible...
and i’m getting fatter...i can feel it in the way my clothes fit....but i’m
unwilling or unable to stop eating. it’s a bit of a mystery to me...a painful
and disgusting mystery. i used to be able to make such good food choices, but
now, it seems the only things i put in my mouth are candy and junk food...and i
feel helpless sometimes to stop myself.
i know that this is old drivel...i’m sorry that i can’t seem to get past it all
and write something witty and entertaining. believe me, i tried.
i hate myself for the fact that i can’t get past this. i know i need to either
shit, or get off the pot. either accept myself for the fat chick i am...or do
something so that i’m not so fat and accept myself for that. i’m terrified of
going on another “diet” or “way of eating” or “lifestyle change” or what ever
pretty euphemism you want to lay on it...because i know that i’ll just rebound
right back to where i am now and probably be even bigger (a fate i cannot even
imagine, nor deal with).
i dream about ways of getting out of this life. getting out of this misery that
i’ve created for myself...this doesn’t mean that i’m suicidal or have suicidal
ideations...it doesn’t mean that i want to kill myself, it just means that i am
having a hard time seeing any other viable way out of my situation and i just
dream and hope and pray for some relief.
i know i am an intelligent person, so why can’t i overcome this hurdle? who do i
have to fuck around here to get some answers?? huh???
and what do i have to do so that my mundane, day to day existence doesn’t feel
like the same day redone over and over again with only the wardrobe changing...how
do i break out of this rut?!?
i’ve entertained the idea of joining a cult...i even emailed the hare krishna’s
(and yes, i know that some people would argue vehemently that they are not a
cult). if i joined a cult, i would no longer have to take responsibility for
anything. someone else would be telling me what to do, what to wear, what and
when to eat, what to think...it might be nice for a while.
maybe i could start a new trend....cult as weight loss clinic. can you just see
it now....it would be very trendy, all the little hollywood stars would be doing
it. the headlines would read,
madonna joins new age harmonic convergence cult to drop a few pounds
reese witherspoon becomes member of branch davidians for colon cleanse
j-lo seen with members of aum while dining on plant based flavorless meal
oprah now member of children of god, has lost 50 pounds due to rampant
starvation and mind control
i could really be on to something here...
then again, it could blow up in my face, like so many other grand schemes...
i’m really just looking for a little guidance here, a little nudge in the right
direction. if someone gave me something that was a sure thing, guaranteed to
work as well as to permanently change my “lifestyle” (God i hate that word)...then
i’d give it my 100% to be sure! i’m a great “dieter” i can lose weight with the
best of them...it’s the keeping it off part that’s got me stumped.
i have kept lost weight at bay for considerable lengths of time...more than a
year, and yet, here i am again, back at square one. actually, more like square ñ10...ugh.
anyway, i guess i’ll just keep waddling along until i find something substantive
that has promise and staying power...whether that be complete fat acceptance, or
complete fat abolishment remains to be seen.
wish me luck, i need it.
July 23, 2004
040723_69.
the horror....the horror!
i had another one of those weird apocalytic dreams last night...and par for the
course, my mom, my cousin, and my dad were all guest stars (myself taking top
billing, naturally).
this time, we were in some kind of department store, and i was there with a
whole bunch of other refugees. we each had our own spaces carved out, with tents
or other kinds of shelters.
all my stuff was packed into boxes and hidden under hay...and i had to find my
doc martens...or run the risk of being subjected to serious harm. so,
unsurprisingly, i couldn't locate them.
there was some ominous force or person that was coming for me...and as i was
hiding, my mom and cousin appeared. it was a tearful and joyful reunion...
then, at some point, my perspective switched from seeing from own eyes to seeing
through my mothers eyes while still being in my own head...like being an
invisible fly on the wall and in two places at once. i wasn't my mother...i was
just privy to what she was seeing.
that's where my dad comes in...i guess he was desperate to find me...and was
telling my mom how much he loves me.
she kept telling him to tell me instead of her.
he only had one leg...and a prosthesis, which turned out to be the upper torso
of a mannequin turned upside down so he used the head as a foot...it was a
realistic looking head and face with long blond hair, and as he walked through
the refugee camp, past the make up counter where there were some ladies buying
mac lipsticks in trendy colors, he caused a bit of a stir as they stared all in
disbelief and revulsion.
why was this man using some womyn's face as a foot??!!
the horror!
and appearantly, my dad had been searching for me and couldn't get to me fast
enough...cause usually, he wore a shoe to cover up the face...but being in such
a rush, the shoe fell off and all that was left was the face/foot.
he didn't manage to find me, however because the alarm went off and i got up to
feed the puppies and go to work...
such is life in my brain while i'm sleeping...i guess i'm glad i woke up cause i
never did find those damn doc marten's and who knows what my fate would have
been!
July 23, 2004 040723_83.
2nd
for the day...what a bonus for you all! i was talking to ainslee’s mom this
afternoon. we were commiserating about feeling lost in life and not really
liking ourselves too much.
she said, “you know, if i could find the words to make me like myself, that
might bring some kind of understanding and self-forgiveness, i'd use them. but i've
been searching for the better part of a decade and gone through several
educational levels, and i haven't found them yet. hope of such discovery seems
dismal at this point.”
to which i responded,
“i completely understand that. my aunt and i were talking about that yesterday.
about how we both have to forget about pleasing my mother and just live our
lives for ourselves and learn how to like ourselves regardless of what other
people think.
frankly, i think that's impossible...just a load of psycho-babble crap and there's
really no way to do it..cause i've been trying to like myself for the better
part of almost 37 years now, and i absolutely detest myself despite all the
therapy and self work i've done. i'm no closer to liking myself at all...in fact,
i might just hate myself worse now than ever due to the fact that i'm a complete
and utter failure”
now, this is a recurring theme in my life...and apparently, it’s a recurring
theme in her life as well...so this leads me to believe that perhaps this is
something that is going on in other people’s lives as well? i mean, ainslee’s
mom and i cannot be so chronically unique, can we?
then again, maybe we are the only one’s...two people who just happen to be the
best of friends. the world’s only completely lost people who just miraculously
came to find each other in this vast world.
i’m not sure which one i believe, but considering the way things have been going
so far, i might vote for the latter.
July 24, 2004 040724_81.
don't forget the good things
it's amazing what a little music can do to soothe one's spirits...specifically
the indigo girls.
i just recently got their new cd (which isn't so new anymore) and have been
listening to it since last night when i converted it's tracks to mp3's so could
listen to it on my computer and on my mp3 player.
what amazing healing energy they have. i truly forgot about how much their music
means to me and how much it touches me. i'm not going to let myself do that
again...it takes too much of a toll on me.
i sort of stopped listenening to them because become you was pretty much the
only thing i listened to while going through being left by "her"...and it was
just too painful to be reminded of all those feelings.
i still have a hard time with that album every once in a while...
but the new one, all that we let in is really great.
it's restorative...and that's a good thing.
July 26, 2004 040726_36.
a leather education this weekend i went (with the
filmmaker and her roommate montana, who is also my friend) to the dore alley
street fair, which, for those not in the know, is the smaller, queer version of
the folsom street fair, which is a bdsm leather street fair...not exactly my
thing, but as a spectator, interesting to see...at least once in my life.
i saw more assless chaps and therefore more asses than i've seen in one place. i
also saw more dick than i needed to see...in fact, i've had my fill of dick to
last a lifetime.
and the most disturbing thing about it all was the fact that men (of all shapes
and sizes) couldn't stop grabbing at themselves. there was this one larger guy,
he looked part asian, and he was rather portly...standing on the side of the
street, buck nakee, playing with himself and pulling on himself to get his dick
to stand up so it would look bigger...there was this other really tall guy who
was having his picture taken by several people near the port-o-johns (nice
backdrop by the way) and in between shots, he'd grab his wang and stretch it out
or pull on it and rub it...he wasn't at attention or anything...so i'm not sure
what his little ritual was about, but he definitely had to keep touching it.
ick with a capital ick!
now, i am a firm believer in "to each his (in this case) own"...but gimme a
freakin' break...leave the poor creature alone for God's sake!
and i am quite aware that if i didn't want to see so much exposed penis in one
place, i didn't have to go to the street fair...but i did want to experience it
at least once in my lifetime. after all, you can't say you don't like brussel
sprouts unless you try them, right?
and at another classic moment during the day, at the BART station, while telling
a roommate horror story, the filmmaker came up with the most clever euphemism
for mastrubation that i've ever heard.
of course, it was unintentional, she was telling a story about masturbasis
interruptus and how afterwards, it sort of left her scarred and afraid of the
whole thing entirely. then she went on to tell of how she baked a pumpkin pie.
but it was how she said it, and how she didn't stop between stories...
one second, she was talking about being afraid to get intimate while alone for
fear of being discovered, and then next second she said, "so i decided to bake
a pie"...which in and of itself is a regular activity...but in the context of
the conversation, it took on a different (and better if i do say so myself)
meaning.
so i took what she said and ran with it...so now, if you ever need to discuss
self love in public, feel free to just say you were baking a pie.
example: the other night, i was baking a pie in the living room while watching
real sex on HBO, when my roommate came home unexpectedly and i was caught with
my pants around my ankles...
i think it could be the start of something fabulous! i encourage you to use it (and
do it) freely. it can be our own (not so secret) code language and we can bring
self love into the mainstream of every day conversation without causing too much
of a stir.
not to mention that every time you hear some nice old lady talk about baking a
pie, you know you're going to do a double take!
July 27, 2004 040727_34.
i am human and i need to be loved, just like
everybody else does today, in the thinking place, i was pondering what it would
be like to have magic powers....well, that wasn't exactly it, lemme back up and
tell you how this thought came to be...
i was first thinking about michigan and how i'm going to feel about showering in
front of all those womyn with much nicer bodies than mine...and that thought
evolved into getting dressed after showering and clothing and what i'll wear in
michigan, which then morphed into how i wish i had comfortable well fitting
clothing with waistbands that don't pinch and bras that don't leave marks on my
skin and cause me discomfort throughout the day.
this spurned a thought about the possibility of creating some magic waistband
that would shrink or expand depending upon how you were feeling in your clothes.
that idea led me to wish that i just had magic powers, and then i could conjure
clothing that fit well and in which i felt good each day, so i would never have
to do laundry or root around in my closet for something that fits.
then i mused, "well, if i'm going to have magic powers, why don't i just magic
myself thin?" (which would be a much better option in my book).
this contemplation transformed into wondering how it is that the charmed one's
are so fit and toned, yet they never exercise...so they must be using magic to
keep themselves so sveldt...no?
at this point, the ridiculousness of my thought pattern began to sink in, not to
mention that i was getting water logged and need to get out of the shower and
get my ass to work.
so out i got, toweled myself off...got dressed in my ill fitting garments and
came to work, where i now sit, sipping iced coffee and worrying about much more
important things like order entry and sales and making my "number"...
ain't life grand?!? ain't it?
July 28,
2004 040728_7.
ignorance would be bliss what does one do when they are at
the end of their understanding?
i mean, we continue to search for meaning in life, we keep on keepin' on, so to
speak...but what do we do when we hit the wall?
today, i prayed for the willingness to be accepting of myself and my body. i am
so tired of being so tired of hating myself and this package that i'm in. i seem
to make some progress...and am feeling ok, and then something happens, or i
catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or a window and the whole fucking bubble
bursts.
i've been around the block a few times. i've done the weight loss thing (thank
you to all of you well meaning people who gave me diet tips and suggestions...but
diets don't work and nothing dr. phil or anyone else says is going to change
that).
diets don't work. can i say that again? diets don't work.
in the course of my lifetime, i've lost well over 300 pounds. (in 75, 50, and 30
pound increments over different periods of time). i've gained it all back..and
not because i'm undisciplined, or lazy, or anything like that...it's just that
diets don't work. a person cannot live with deprivation for that long without
consequence.
some people are able to lose weight...and then have little gains but get back on
track and stay on some sort of diet or "lifestyle eating plan"...kudos to them.
it doesn't work for me (or countless others)...so where does that leave me? with
acceptance of who i am.
i often hear the words of camryn manheim's book title echoing in my head...
Wake Up, I'm Fat!
whenever i look at other people, i look at their bodies, their size...not at
their faces. i search out other fat people in the crowds to somehow make myself
feel less alone. i compare myself constantly to other people..."oh, look at her,
she's fat, and she looks cute, all dressed up"..."oh, look at him, he's fat,
look how his tummy sticks out"..."oh, look at that skinny girl, how i wish i
could look like that"...ad infinitum...
i'm tired...exhausted...i don't want to do it anymore, but i'm not sure how to
stop.
i just want to be able to feel ok about myself. i want to wear clothes that are
cute and comfortable, regardless of what size they are. i want to just plain
enjoy my life...without thinking constantly about food, what i've eaten, what i'm
going to eat, when i'll eat next, how much will i eat...it's maddening.
i hate that i am all consumed by this. i hate that i can't break away from this
self loathing and do something productive with my life. i hate that i am so
stuck.
my friend the filmmaker tells me that i'm so nice...that i should like myself
cause i'm so wonderful and that people think i'm a hottie...(her words, not mine)
the thing is, i don't know how to just start liking myself or thinking i'm ok.
i want to be happy. i want to be like the little pig wallowing in the mud, full
of bliss and completely unaware that he is a pig wallowing in the mud...but just
enjoying his existence.
i want to be free of all the shit that's been piled on me and that i've piled on
myself year after year.
i'm going to be 37 years old in 30 days. it's time to grow up...it's time to get
on with things.
i just wish i knew how.
July 29, 2004
040729_74.
alive and well and living in a war zone i'm sitting here at my
computer at home, minding my own business...when suddenly a booming thumping
noise comes from outside.
now, this is not unusual...i live on a predominately black street and loud
thumping music (if you can call it that) is the norm. cars drive by at all hours
and all you can hear, or rather feel, is the thumping of the base and the
rattling of the plastic and metal parts on their cars.
suffice it to say, it's less than melodious.
but, as usual, i digress...
so, i'm sitting at my computer, listening to the tv, which i eventually had to
turn off because it was being drowned out by the "music" when all of a sudden
i started to hear shouting.
i tried to ignore it, until i heard a booming voice yell, "shut the fuck up you
fucking dyke"...which got my attention.
so i went to the window to see what was going on (after turning off my lights so
that i could be in stealth mode without being too visible as i spied on the
drama that was unfolding.)
the womyn from a couple of doors down, herself black, who happens to have a
shaved head, must have said something about the music, cause she was being
lambasted by this rather large black man from who's motorcycle the music was
coming from. (yes, i said motorcycle...motocycle with a killer sound system
apparently)
she started to walk toward the big biker guy, who was cursing at her and telling
her to go home...then some other womyn from the "biker group" joined in, and
soon there were about 8 to 10 people yelling at this bald womyn and calling her
names and telling her to go home.
everyone got on the biker's band wagon and was calling her names and saying ugly
things to her...my neighbors, who i've been peripherally friendly with...were
calling here a fucking dyke.
i didn't know what to do...should i go out there and say something?? no, that
would only turn their wrath on me, a hapless bystander, and a white jewish dyke
bystander no less...
so, like a coward, i watched from my window.
should things come to blows, i was ready to call the police...but that wasn't
necessary.
eventually, after much yelling, the bald womyn retreated to her yard, the biker
guy and his cohort left and the crowd of neighbors dispursed...but the bald
womyn is currently still sitting on her stoop....smoking, and i have the urge to
go across the street to find out if she's ok.
so, do i do this? no...because once again, i'm afraid that it would be looked
upon as meddling by the white jewish dyke neighbor who shouldn't stick her nose
into other (black) people's business.
i'm not sure if that is my own internalized racism...or if it would actually be
seen that way.
from all i've seen over the years, my guess would be that it would actually be
perceived as my sticking my white nose where it doesn't belong...and there could
also be an element of cultural misunderstanding as well...it might not be as bad
as it looked...but i don't know.
my first thoughts were of outrage, how dare they call her a fucking dyke...they
have no right to use that term flung with so much hatred at any womyn, let alone
a womyn with a shaved head...who, whether or not she is a lesbian, deserves to
be treated as a human being, not as a fucking dyke.
my second thoughts were of fear...don't go out there, they might turn their
anger on you, you could be raped or beaten or worse, those biker guys were big
and all pumped up, who knows what kind of mob mentality could have been stirred
up if you go sticking your ass into their business.
my third thoughts were of anger at myself for being such a coward...why couldn't
i have gone out there? aren't i entitled to speak my mind in a peaceful and non-confrontational
manner? why should i be afraid of what they might do or say to me, or what kind
of retribution would be taken on me or my animals or car or home....that's not
right at all. and what does that say for my own internalized fear of being a
womyn and homophobia and classism and racism?
and my fourth thoughts were, "what would jesus/budah/moses/mohamed/allah/etc.
do?" why is there so much hate in the world? what the hell were those people
doing spewing so much rage at another human being?! what were they teaching the
children and the teenagers that were standing around watching this? why do i
feel so impotent to do anything to stop it?
i want to move. i mean, i have wanted to move to the city, but i want to live in
a place where the booming cars don't go by at all hours, where i don't have to
feel like such a small and helpless white jewish lesbian, where i can feel safe.
i thought that this place was it when i moved in. i loved it...even though there's
not much of a yard...but now, i'm not so sure.
i know it's just the adrenaline and the excitement of what just happened...and
for the most part, i do feel safe here...but i just want to live in a place
where i don't feel like i have to look over my shoulder all the time.
i don't like feeling like i'm a guest in someone else's neighborhood because my
skin is a different shade. i know that these are my own feelings, and no one so
far has said anything or done anything to make me feel unwanted. but there is a
palpable feeling of being an outsider here...like i'm tolerated as long as i don't
cause trouble.
perhaps i'll find a new place when the time is right...perhaps i won't.
but the one thing i have to learn to do is to feel safe with myself and to live
comfortably in my own personal neighborhood, regardless of what goes on outside
of myself.
8:02 am July 30, 2004 040730_79.
from the depths of hell, there but for the grace of God go i. i guess this is
sort of a maudlin topic...but i was talking to my best friend in oklahoma who
really is one of my best friends anywhere...she recently lost a relative to
suicide.
it's always such a mystery to me the way people choose to take their lives...and
you can never ask them why they did what they did...you can only wonder yourself
silly about what happened and why they chose to end it.
i also think that it's a bit of a myth that most people leave notes...which only
further leads to the confusion and brain wracking wonder.
why does one person shoot themselves, while another opts for pills? what makes
one individual cut themselves when another decides to jump off a building? these
are the things that i wonder about.
you see, my younger (and only) brother committed suicide. he jumped off a 10
story medical building...it's a long sordid story, but it always makes me wonder
what was going through my brothers mind before he jumped...and why in God's name
would he choose to jump off of a building to kill himself.
he had asperger's syndrome...a form of autism, which is one of the reasons that
he took his life, i'm sure...but there were other reasons that i'm not going
into here.
my brother was so smart, it was scary...but he had virtually no social
interaction skills to speak of...every day was such a struggle for him. he tried
so hard to fit into this world..but there was no place for him
my favorite auntie had to identify "the body", and she said he had such a look
of peace on his face, she'd never seen him look so peaceful....i hope he found
the peace in death that he didn't find in life
i can talk about it now, and i know i sound a little cavalier...but it's the
only way i can deal with it. i've pushed all the feelings and emotions attached
to it so far back into the recesses of my brain that they are almost
inaccessible.
i can't afford to let myself feel those dark and horrible feelings, it took me
years to pull myself out of the sadness and sometimes, i can still feel it
drawing me back...but i just can't go there, because i don't have the strength
or energy to crawl back out of that hole...and my parents have already suffered
enough.
but i do miss him terribly! i sometimes feel his presence very strongly with my
animals. usually when i'm in the other room playing on the computer or something...i'll
feel him very strongly sitting with expo and java while they lay on the couch...it's
odd...but i know it's him.
oddly, i feel like some of his autism got left behind and i swallowed it up.
sometimes i feel more like being alone than interracting in the real world...which
i know he felt for most of his life.
i hope to see him again someday. i hope that we can reconcile all the bad
feelings that were left behind...all those sibling fights and animosities...i
think he actually hated me...but i didn't feel that way about him. so i wish we
could make peace and that i could hold him and hug him and tell him how much i
love him.
maybe in another lifetime...certainly not in this one.
July 31, 2004 040731_59.
to sleep, perchance to dream...but not a weird
creepy dream please warning, this is a boring entry. there is nothing exiting to
read here...no substantive value whatsoever...
so, i had this dream about michigan, only it wasn't michigan...but like michigan
with lots of buildings and telephones with speakers and much teleconferencing
going on.
the reason that it was "like michigan" was that all the michigan people were
there, and i was there as a worker and there was much to get done before the "opening"...
my old boss lloyd was there, he's got narcissistic personality disorder, for
real...he's a selfish prick...he was a selfish prick in the dream too...but
fortunately, he only made a brief cameo appearance.
in the dream, i was giving some really good advice to this fat womyn, about how
we have to live our lives and just be the best people that we can be...
(now don't go all freudian on me...i can pretty well interpret that one with no
trouble)
it was a weird dream...not a peaceful dream but a frenetic dream with too much
going on and lots of stress about getting things accomplished...
and then, the phone rang, and the dogs where dancing all over me to let them out
and feed them and all that jazz...so i got up and did the requisite chores and
such...and now here i am writing about it.
today, the filmmaker and i are going to run all kinds of errands, and then come
back here and i'm going to pack while she communes with the fauna that is my
family.
she's going to be staying here with the kids while i'm gone, so i want her (and
them) to have a little hang time so that it's less stressfull for all of them.
and now, i have so many things to do that i must be off...like a prom dress...
August 02, 2004 040802_80.
woe is my dog i have so much to do between now
and tomorrow at 9:30 pm that i fear i won't be able to get it all done...
ok, really, it's not that much stuff, but right now it feels overwhelming...
i'm leaving for michigan (apologies to lunadyke) on the red eye flight from san
francisco airport to grand rapids with one layover and a change of plane on
tuesday night.
i have all my camping gear packed, but none of my clothes packed...and
java has taken to spending all of his time under the covers in bed...not acting
like his normal self.
it's got me completely freaked out to tell you the truth.
he's eating, although, not with as much gusto as normal. his ears aren't hot,
his nose is wet and cool, he's not having diarrhea, there is no bleeding, i've
felt his entire body for ticks or sores or lumps, he's clean...i'm not sure what
to make of it.
the only thing i can think of is that the filmmaker came over on saturday and i
brought in all my camping gear and luggage, so maybe he's just freaking out
cause he knows i'm going somewhere?
i'm praying that's it...because i don't know what i'd do if he got really sick
while i was gone. the filmmaker doesn't drive, so she can't take him to the vet...and
we don't really have a vet yet anyway, cause, knock on wood, everyone's been
really healthy so far, thank God!
so i started to perseverate about what i should do...should i board the dogs and
the filmmaker could just stay with the cats? should i just board java? should i
not go?? (not really an option)...
boarding the dogs would cost between $400 and $600 bucks depending on where i
put them....also not an option as i don't have that kind of money.
i just have to put my faith in God and in the filmmaker and know that she'll
take good care of my babies and that they will be safe and sound and waiting for
me to get home.
i'm just very very nervous about it!
so, between now and the time i leave, i've got a lot of shit to get done.
wish me luck!
9:40 am August 03, 2004
040803_1.
hi ho silver, away! well, i'm off, like a prom dress. i'm all
packed, i'm in the process of cleaning my house for the filmmaker, i've prayed
that God keeps the animals safe and sound, and it's almost time to go.
i realize that in my absence, i leave a 16 day gap in thrilling and edge of your
seat diary reading, so while i'm gone, i invite you to read some of the older
entries
also, please browse through some of the links to some very interesting and
entertaining stuff
and i also strongly encourage you to read some of the other diaries that i think
are simply smashing...
ainslee's mom
molly
lunadyke
aussie
letaboo
cactustree
ratty rat a tat tat
songs to wear pants to
smoog
jfsuperstar
jess
bevin
and of course, keep voting for me so that my ego can be fed from afar...cause
you know, my self esteem is firmly rooted in what my rank is...(ok, that was
meant to be irreverent humor...just in case it didn't come across that way)
i'll see ya'll when i get back!
August 19, 2004 040819_32.
back in
the world i just got back from michigan and i am so zonked and out of it...it's
taking all my energy just to do regular things...
i wonder why it is so difficult to re-enter the "real world" after being in an
ideal, peaceful, beautiful, preferred community for a while.
i mean, i know why, but really, it is so draining to be in the world. it's a
wonder how we manage to do it day after day. and it's amazing how desensitized
to it all we become after only a short period of time.
i almost don't want to become desensitized to it, because that means that i'm
letting go of michigan and i'm not sure i want to do that.
i will write more about my flabulous time and adventures as soon as i can get my
brain functioning properly again, cause right now, all i can do is sleep.
August 21, 2004 040821_18.
thank you for your patience...and now, the moment
you've all been waiting for all right peoplettes...here it is, the long awaited
entry about my trip to michigan womyn's music festival
first of all, all of my worries and fears about my weight gain and not being
accepted because of it were total and utter rubbish. people love me regardless
of what shape my body is...
i know, i know, you've all been telling me this all along....but i'm hard headed,
what can i say.
i got more attention from womyn this year than i did when i was a skinny girl.
apparently, fat looks good on me, and many people told me that i look "so much
better" this year than i did last year. (that was never put like that...i'm
taking that quote out of context...but you get the idea, yeah?)
so, i arrived on the 4th. met some womyn in the airport, got picked up, arrived
on the land, pitched my tent, then went around and helped a couple of other
people pitch their tents....and get settled in.
it's amazing how being away for a year just melts away once you set foot on the
land...it's like coming home, and it felt that way from the very first time i
ever walked on that land...
the week before festival begins, we work at setting everything up, building the
structures and "facilities" that all the womyn will use. it was beautiful
weather. a little bit hot at times, but glorious and lovely nonetheless.
i had a good crew...lots of great womyn with many different personalities...we
eventually really gelled...and i made some pretty amazing connections with womyn
who i now cherish and love as well as reconnecting with a few womyn from last
year (who i already cherished and loved).
then festival opening day arrived, and it was great. i did line security again
for the second year. i walked up and down the line of cars that were waiting to
get into festival...it was a little dreary weather-wise...and eventually, it
started to pour.
it rained for most of the festival....and not little sissy rain...but mother
fucking torrential rain! it sucked...and yet, it didn't suck. i love the rain,
but i think that it might have been too much.
oh, i forgot something about my crew...we did our schedule a day or two before
festival. we all sat around and raised our hands for what shifts we wanted...everyone
was supposed to get to see at least one thing they wanted....the problem being
that there were two musical acts that everyone wanted to see, myself included,
so when it came time to volunteer for the night shifts on the nights of those
shows, no on raised their hands.
i made it explicitly clear that i really wanted to see a particular show and
that i would be incredibly disappointed if i didn't get to see it...but if no
one else was going to volunteer, that i would, cause we were there to work and
the shift needed to be filled.
so, long story short, i had to work all nights and i missed all the music i
wanted to see with the exception of ellis, bitch, and god-des on the day stage
on saturday afternoon. i was irritated that no one had the sense of
responsibility to step up to the plate. no one wanted to miss their music, and i
wound up missing all of mine. i'm not resentful, or bitter, or anything like
that...it just shined a glaring light on human nature for me...and i was
disappointed in my sisters.
after the fact, people were willing to switch with me...and i said no...sort of
on principal, and sort of because i just wanted to be done with the whole thing.
then i got told not to be a martyr...which really irked me...so i had to make an
announcement to the whole group explaining that i'm a 37 year old grown up and
that i make my decisions with my eyes and ears open...that i wasn't being a
martyr and that it was time to just drop the whole thing and move on...ugh...what
a pain in the ass that was!
but aside from that and the weather and a couple of other ridiculous moments
involving other people's attitudes, it was a good festival. not a great one, but
a good one.
there were definitely some great parts to it. the highlight being that i met "lemondancy".
she's from london and is this amazing, incredible womyn and a very nice kisser
to boot. i felt really see by her, really understood on some deep level. it was
like she could look into me and see what was really there under all the bullshit.
i have a lot more processing to do on it, so rest assured, i'll definitely write
more...but for now, that's all i'm able to come up with.
it's amazing to me how being in michigan strips you to your actual real being
and allows you to be vulnerable and alive and true to yourself...and a day is
like a week there, so it feels really significant, and then you come back into
the "world" where everything is fast moving and cold and impersonal. suddenly
you are thrust back into this place and expected to just fit right back into it.
i imagine that's what it feels like being born in a way. one day, you're all
cozy and comfortable in the womb...and the next day, you are being forced into
the cold harsh light of day in a world that would just as soon mow you down than
honor and love you...
anyway, that's all for now, i'll write more soon.
thanks for missing me, and for being "out there" for me to come home to....you
have no idea how reassuring and comforting it is.
August 23, 2004 040823_32.
say it again, in a different way so, i promise to
tell more about my trip, but there are a few things i've been thinking about
since i've been back and i want to get them out of my head...so to speak...
so, the first thing is about time...everyone is in such a flippin' hurry. the
world is too damn fast. everyone wants everything right now...and when they don't
get it, they get all agitated and up in your face. i've decided that i'm going
to slow down. life is for living, and seeing, and exploring, and not for blazing
through at the speed of light.
in the end, it's not how fast you got to the finish line, but how well you ran
the race...and that's what my plan is. to run the race well, and see everything
i can along the way.
the second thing is about language, and what we consider acceptable language and
what language is dictated to us societally (read "by the patriarchy").
for example...fat is a taboo word. when people ask me how i'm doing, i say, "flabulous"...cause
i am. i'm fat, and i'm fabulous...i'm flabulous.
another example, the word pussy...why do we allow it to be a "bad" word..."don't
be such a pussy"...why can't we make it a good word, after all, it is a part of
our female anatomy, therefore, it's inherently good...right?
i'm sort of stealing from bitch and animal's pussy manifesto, but i think that
they meant for it to be widely disseminated...so here it is in its entirety:
Pussy Manifesto
Manifest this motha fucka #1:
Every living thing comes from and returns to (get it?)
Manifest this Muddafucka #2:
Let Pussy speak to me through every living thing. As all creatures move and grow,
let them bring forth the open ness and warm ness that flows in the energy of
Pussy...the life force on which we all depend.
Manifest this Muthafucka #3:
I'm sick of my genitalia being used as an insult. Are you? It's time to let my
labia rip and rearrange this. Here we go: "That was so Pussy of you to help me
move to my new place! Especially since I'm living on the 13th floor. You've
really made this a Pussy move!"
Manifest this Motherfuckrr #4:
The power of Pussy could be blinding. Do not misinterpret its strength and fear
it. Do not try to control it. It is light, rich and full of warmth. Use it
wisely and with jeweled intentions.
Manifest this Muthefucka #5:
The Egg says, "Don't forget me, Muddafucka!" The Egg must not be understated.
Let the Egg be the symbol of all courage! Here we go: "Honey, that took Eggs
for you to tell your customer off for not tipping you 20%!" The Egg, like
courage, is a delicate intricate shell surrounding ever-changing nutritious life!
Let the Egg be the teacher and the Pussy be its nest.
Manifest this Motherfuckrr #6:
Employ the Pussy! *teacher *whore *philosopher *president Pay her well!
Manifest this Motherfuckrr #7:
The Pussy is a traveler! No matter where your Pussy energy leads you, let the
Pussy be your clock. Allow the 'ticking' to be measured by gathered and
dispersed gathered and dispersed gathered and dispersed one should not outweigh
the other...
Manifest this Mothafucker #8:
Let Pussy manifest and let freedom sing!
and another word i think we need to take back is cunt. i know it's a harsh word,
i know that some people hate it...but like pussy, it's a good thing. in fact, if
you are struggling with it, i recommend you read cunt by inga muscio
there are other words that i think we need to reappropriate, and of course, when
it comes to writing them down, they fly out of my head, but i'll remember them,
and i'll write about it for sure.
and for those of you asking about lemondancy, she is a wonderful, beautiful
womyn whom i met at festival. she lives in london, and she's fucking brilliant.
i feel really seen by her, and i'm quite fond of her. i'm not sure what else to
write at this time, as i'm not really sure how things are sorting out in my head,
but once again, when i know more, i'll post more.
and i wanted to say, thank you all for your wonderful comments and for missing
me while i was gone. sorry it's taking me so long to get back in the swing of
things, i promise to be better about updating, but i'm not so sure that i want
to get fully back into the swing of society...i'm going to try to hang on to
those things i felt at michigan for as long as possible...it's truly a magical
place!
8:01 am August 25, 2004 040825_49.
i am what i am, but i'll be what i'll be so, i'm slowly getting back into the
swing of things. it's taking a while, but i knew it would, so that's no surprise.
i'm always sort of astounded at how much i am changed by going to festival each
year and by what it feels like to be back in the world.
after a year away from festival, you become so desensitized to everything:
patriarchy, misogyny, self doubt, self hatred, over population, smog, traffic,
bad behavior, too much media, not enough solitude, junk food, insensitivity,
unkindness, and noise, to name a few.
they just slowly and quietly slip back into your life, and before you know it,
you are inundated by them.
it takes all you have to keep a grip on all of those things you learned and
unlearned while in michigan, and i am bound and determined to hold on this year
to all that is good and sweet and lovely, to all that i gleaned from being at
fest.
and for me, at least, it's an uphill battle, due to the fact that before
festival, i was filled with self hatred and disdain for all things me.
remarkably, however, i feel good in my skin, to a degree that i've never felt...and
i feel happy, and light, and freer that normal.
suffice it to say that festival is good medicine!
it was suggested to me while there, that i am in the wrong line of work (to
which i don't disagree)...and that i should be doing something that uses my
people skills and my compassion.
and it's true...doing this job that i have now (sales for a computer software
company) drains the life out of me. it sucks away my faith and my strength and
my hope for the future. it leaves me feeling resigned and trapped and sad.
so i know that i have to find more meaningful work, and that i need to do some
volunteer work so that i can find out what kind of work i want to do for a
living...not to mention getting my foot in the door at some agency.
but right now, i'm still getting used to being back and in the world. i'll do it,
but it seems really scary and hard to me at this point.
i just have to keep believing that the universe has my best interest at heart
and that i will continue to move forward at the perfect pace.
August 26, 2004 040826_34.
ode to uri gellar
ok, so this morning, before i was fully awake but after i had control of my
faculties, i tried moving a dog toy (a red Kong to be precise). not a strange
task, but this time, i tried moving it...
with my mind.
needless to say, it didn’t work.
i’m not sure if i actually believe that other people can move objects with their
minds, but i’m pretty sure that i cannot, not under any circumstance.
i’m also fairly certain that i can’t bend spoons with my mind either...another
thing to take off my resume ... humph!
so, i’m having a bit of a quandary...it’s actually kind of a big deal for me
because it’s never happened to me before, and i’m not sure what to do about it.
i have the attention of two lovely womyn...both of which live very far away, one
across the ocean, and the other might as well be across the ocean because she’s
more than a couple of time zones away.
the first, lemondancy, whom i’ve already spoken briefly about, and the second, (who
i’ll call skipper) is a lovely womyn who i am also very fond of and who i am
getting to know by spending lots of time talking on the phone with.
so here’s the predicament, skipper knows about lemondancy, but lemondancy doesn’t
yet fully know about skipper...not because i’m trying to keep her a secret, but
just cause she hasn’t come up in conversation...
and since i am a one womyn womyn, and my heart can only be in one place, i am
feeling really ripped in two.
i have feelings for both of these womyn, i’m not going to write about what those
feelings are....but suffice it to say that i like them both very much.
however, is it really a moot point?? because all i can do at this time is get to
know them both and form nice and hopefully lasting friendships with them over
some significant distance...
i have found that doing the “long distance” thing doesn’t work at all for me (or
anyone else i’ve talked to) and i’m not planning on moving anytime soon...so
what am i left with?
the last thing i want to do is lead anyone on, or hurt anyone’s feelings...and i
don’t really know either one of them enough to say that i have feelings beyond a
growing friendship and a deep fondness. (mostly because i think that forming
relationships takes time...and being in the presence of the person that you are
trying to form a relationship with).
so i’m not quite sure what to do.
my initial reaction is to just unplug and disappear and go back to my pre-festival
hermit self who hides from everyone and tries to be ok with being alone for the
rest of my life...but if i want to hang on to any of the goodness that i got
from fest, then i have to stay present and available and honest and true to
myself. not a comfortable thing to do all the time.
so i’m left with trying to do all of the above mentioned niceties, and trying to
sort it all out in my head, and unable to talk to either of them face to face,
and it’s all very confusing, to say the least.
the one thing that i’m sure of is that i have no psychokinetic ability
whatsoever and that i’ll never be famous for bending silverware with my
brainpower alone.
i guess it’s back to a life of obscurity for me...i’ll have to think of another
way to become world renown for my talent....
August 27, 2004 040827_70.
happy birthday to me! as i reflect on today, the
37th anniversary of the day of my birth, i can only look forward to having a
peaceful and enjoyable time here at work and a lovely nap after said job with a
nice snuggle with the doggies and kitties.
in other words, just another day...
my two aunties and my cousin came over last night and wound up taking me out to
dinner, although, no one remembered the date and i didn’t say anything. it was
more important just to be spending time with them. my favorite auntie paid for
dinner (which was not unexpected as her twin sister rarely pays for anything)
and my cousin was radiant in her pre wedding-ness. she is getting married in 40
some odd days.
she really is one of the most beautiful people i’ve ever met. inside and out.
she’s easy going, fun to be around, intelligent, fucking gorgeous!, and has a
gentle spirit that is evident in the way she carries herself through the world.
of course, she has her moments, but for the most part, she’s quite amazing! very
grown up and very cool!
so, i had a pleasant start to my birthday last night with my aunties and my
amazing cousin. we went to king yen on college avenue...my favorite place for
chow fun noodles. it was good.
and this weekend, the filmmaker and i plan to go to the oakland dyke march and
kick around for awhile...i’m not sure what else we might do...maybe get a meal.
all in all, it’s going to be a very mellow birthday, that’s for sure.
i don’t mind that...there were birthdays in the past where if someone forgot, or
a big deal wasn’t made of it, i would spend the day feeling sad and sorry for
myself, but today, i just feel peaceful...it’s good!
and on a weirdly fortuitous note, my friend mighty jo just logged on to say hi
to me. she was playing the game “bookworm” and had just scored the word hugger
when i logged on...weird huh!
she’s a wonderful friend and an amazing womyn and definitely one of my angels! i
wish so much that i could go live with her and never leave her side. she is one
of those people that just fills me with love! i can’t say enough wonderful
things about her, so you’ll just have to take my word for it! we initially
connected over the grateful dead, but our connection goes much deeper than that...it’s
hard to explain, but it’s all very mystical and cool and fantastic!
and speaking of cool and fantastic...let’s not forget ainslee’s mom...she is
another one of my angels. actually, she’s my best friend and i’m so fucking
grateful to her and for her...she makes life worth living...and if i only get to
see her once this year, i’m going to throw a tantrum the likes of which has
never been seen on the northern hemisphere!
but i digress....woefully.....
so, back to my day...it started out with my sweet java snuggling up to me with
his little face pressed up against mine under the pillow while we waited for the
alarm to go off the second time. he’s never done that...so i assume that he knew
it was my birthday and wanted to do something special...which it was.
and then, he came right in the house w/o a fuss after i let them out to eat this
morning...he’s such a smart good boy. and expo is always a love...so perhaps she
has something special planned for later.
i think, all in all, it’ll be a lovely day all around.
August 30, 2004 040830_54.
woe is me.... just here....that's how i'm feeling
right now. the euphoria from being at festival is beginning to fade and i'm
feeling just here...
it's amazing how the camaraderie of a few thousand womyn can make you feel
grounded and centered and whole and beautiful...
and it's amazing how being in the world can suck those feelings out of you like
a little kid sucks a slurpie too fast through a straw...and the impending brain
freeze makes you feel like you would rather crawl in a hole and die.
i'm not completely despondent, mind you....but i'm starting to feel a little
numb.
i definitely don't feel attractive like i did on "the land" and i definitely
don't feel as fat positive as i did...
i'm feeling kind of lost actually. and my resolve to find something meaningful
to do with my life is waning as well...
alas and alack...woe is me...
my birthday felt kind of lonely..even though i promised myself that i wouldn't
allow myself to fall into that trap of feeling sorry for myself because no one
threw me a party or gave me cake...and i did get two nice presents from two
lovely friends...so that was nice.
i talked to my daddy on the phone, and he tried to cheer me up, telling me that
the "exciting" birthdays were 38, 42, and 50 something, so i was having
exactly the kind of birthday i was supposed to be having...gotta love the man
for being so fucking cute, no?
so, i guess i'm just suffering through a little bit of ennui...or at least i
hope that's all it is...and i have to keep telling myself that i'm not
completely undesirable and that i won't be alone for the rest of my life and
that i won't be doing what i'm doing for the rest of my life and who knows what
is on the horizon for me as long as i am open to it....(which is a helluva
mantra, if you ask me)
oh, and let's not forget about stroking my ego while we're here...
click me, click me!!! pretty please, my ego needs a boost!
10:41 am August 31, 2004 040831_27.
whew, that's just way too much activity
for one morning, i'll tell you what!
another day, another moment in time. today is payday, no sooner is my paycheck
deposited and it’s gone...but bills are paid.
so, i’m talking to my mom on the phone this morning...
she’s a travel agent...
so, yesterday, she was doing a ticket for someone and talking to them on the
phone and having a nicey nice little chat...she was asking about this womyn’s
husband and what he does...and the womyn told her, “he’s a public speaker” and
they were talking about how he does a lot of traveling, yadda, yadda, yadda.
so, my mom finally gets around to asking his name, and the womyn tells her, “robert
schuler”, and then she says, “not the old one”...and my mom says, "oh, the cute
one?"...and the lady says, "yes"...and then have a nicey nice little chuckle
about it...
so then, my mom hangs up with her, and she’s dancing around her house cause she
talked to a celebrities wife....and she’s not even christian...we’re jewish, so
i don’t see why she got so excited...but she did....gotta love that, no?
meanwhile, back in my life...this morning, i get up, as usual...let the dogs out
to do their business (expo runs a small manufacturing plant and java is a
corporate lawyer) and then call them in for breakfast.
exie arrives at the door, right on schedule, but no sign of the little man...so
i dash out back to see if i can find him...no trace of the wisenheimer...however,
my neighbor, who was outside having a ciggy decided that it would be a nice time
for a little morning convo...
i somewhat politely brush her off and then charge out front to find the little
escape artist i like to call java...he’s nowhere to be seen...but fortunately,
he was somewhere to be heard...i could hear his little collar tinkling.
i listened very carefully, and then i spied him in a neighbor’s yard, peeing on
a bush...so i scampered after him...in my boxers and a t-shirt....followed him
through 3 back yards and finally caught up with the little fucker.
i scooped him up and carried him home...gave him his breakfast - again (the food
that i had left for him in his bowl had been secretly eaten by the resourceful
and sneaky expo) and took a shower.
i’ll tell you, my heart doesn’t need that kind of excitement first thing in the
morning....
things like that just shouldn’t happen before coffee!
oh yeah, and let's not forget to keep the people baffled about what could be so
great about my diary by keeping me in the top ten, yes?
September 01, 2004 040901_72.
the currency of life
ok, so yesterday, i’m bored at work, and i get up to go visit some friends in
another row of cubicles....i’m sort of mindlessly digging in my pockets and
fingering my change...and i pull out a handful of coins.
i am looking through the quarters and nickels, and notice a “new” nickel...it’s
the 2004 spring design: "louisiana purchase/peace medal" nickel (which can be
seen here)
i had no idea that there were any re-designed nickels...and lo! i was shocked
and surprised to find that there are many re-designed coins. different,
wonderful and mysterious coins with wonderful pictures and images...it boggles
the mind!
for example. there is the leif ericson commemorative silver dollar, an
uncirculated proof...a maximum of only 500,000 minted! and it’s partner, the
leif ericson silver krÛnur, icelandic version...who knew that there would ever
be an american coin with a viking on it?!?
and then there is the lovely and stately dolley madison commemorative proof coin,
picturing an extremely busty and beautiful dolley madison surrounded by flowers
on the obverse and the image of montpelier, willow trees and foliage on the
reverse...also worth one dollar.
and we’ve not even begun to talk about the state quarters....what masterpieces,
what beauty, what art!
i’m quite fond of the florida coin. the title being "gateway to discovery"
with a picture of a spanish galleon and the space shuttle...(cause you always
think of those two things together doncha?)
and let’s not forget the alabama coin, depicting helen keller with her name in
english, and even smaller in braille! now, wouldn’t ya think that if they were
really going to honor helen keller, that the whole coin should be in braille? i
mean, we know it’s a quarter...but no, they have to minimize the braille, thus
minimizing poor helen keller (she’s always getting the short end of things isn’t
she?!)
the missouri coin is a nice one, it shows lewis and clark’s historic return to
st. louis down the missouri river, with the jefferson national expansion
memorial (gateway arch) in the background. simply flabulous!
but my all time favorite is the wisconsin coin which has a cow’s head, an ear of
corn, and a nice wheel of cheese. hmmm...makes me want a cheeseburger w/ a side
of corn on the cob...and the title of the coin? the state motto....”forward”.
apparently, they always want to be first.
there is no idaho coin, but i anticipate it having a nice big potato on it...which
would go nicely with my burger and corn.
oh yeah, and let's not forget to keep the people baffled about what could be so
great about my diary by keeping me in the top ten, yes?
7:28 am September 02, 2004 040902_34.
once again, i'm fucked...sort of
yesterday was the day from hell...literally!
i came to work, everything was fun and games, when i decided to check my bank
balance on line to see if a certain check had cleared.
lo and behold, my savings account was at a negative balance! so i immediately
called the bank.
apparently, Federal Reserve regulations limit to six per month or statement
cycle the number of electronic transactions in certain deposit accounts and once
you exceed that...the bank charges you a fee.
While the Fed doesn't stipulate a fee, some banks charge anywhere from $1 to $10
per "excessive withdrawal," and some set the trigger point for that fee as low
as two withdrawals a month
my bank (wells fargo) charges a $10 fee...
so, meanwhile, i'm on the phone with the bank, and they suggested that since i
have so much activity on my account, that i might be better served by switching
it to a checking account...so they transfer me to this very nice lady named dana...she
tells me that she's gonna get me all taken care of, she's setting me up in a
checking account that because i have several other accounts, will not cost me
anything in fees...all very swell indeed.
she puts me on hold to finalize the new account and i listen to their groovy 70's
on hold mix...
then she comes back and says, in her friendly customer service voice, "i'm
sorry, your account has been declined, you'll be receiving a letter in the mail
explaining why."
to which i reply, in my not so friendly shocked and upset voice, "i have 4
accounts in good standing, why are they declining me?!"
to which she asks me, "have you ever been reported to chexsystems??"
"yes, i have, but that was 7 years ago, it was a malicious reporting, and it's
long since been paid."
"well", she says, "i should also tell you that the declination triggers an
automatic report that gets sent to our fraud prevention department and all your
accounts will be closed."
ok, this isn't happening to me...
i tell her that this is not acceptable and that i need to speak with someone in
that department immediately. she puts me on hold again.
she comes back and says that there is nothing they can do, all my accounts will
be closed and that the only thing i might be able to do is to go to a branch and
ask the branch manager to vouch for me to keep my accounts open.
i said fine, and hung up, and went to the branch accross the street. waited for
the branch manager for approximately 15 minutes...was able to help some girl in
the mean time (another story in and of itself) and finally got to talk to him,
only to have him tell me that i had to go to the branch at which i opened my
accounts (which is across town).
so i went back to the office, gathered up my stuff, did some final business
stuff and high-tailed it outta there...to the bank across town.
long story short, the branch manager there said that he'd take care of it and
not to worry, and that he'd help me get set up in a checking account when he's
done saving my accounts...God bless him!
but what a fucking nightmare!!!!
and then i wound up missing my doctors appointment, and going home all agitated
and wanting to off myself...so i went to bed...
i'm still feeling relatively fragile and uncertain...these money things really
put me in a spin...cause my finances are a fucking mess and i don't see any way
out of it save winning the lottery, which isn't likely to happen...mostly cause
i don't play cause i can't afford to throw away the dollar....
so on a completely different note, i decided that i wouldn't wear a bra today...cause
i just couldn't bear the idea of putting it on.
so i am wearing a too small t-shirt underneath a just right t-shirt to sort of
hold me "in" so to speak...i think this might be a viable alternative, but i'll
have to go get some proper undershirts w/ good elasticity (not one's that are
just going to stretch out during the day).
if anyone has any good suggestions about such t-shirts, i'd be grateful for the
information!
and last but not least, please keep voting for me on clix list and thank you for
doing so. it makes me happy!
September 03, 2004 040903_87.
you've
been so kind and generous, i don't know how you keep on giving
i just wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to a few people, not
just for their readership, but for all the wonderful comments and niceties left
on my comments page and guestbook. it is so nice to feel understood, and
challenged, and empathized with, and loved and i am a lucky girl to have such
nice diary friends!
so thank you to the following amazing and kind womyn...i’m sorry i am too lazy
to tell you all individually, but you all mean a lot to me and i’m very grateful
to you!
aussie
molly
lunadyke
jfsuperstar
jess
my auntie
bent fabric
abby
thanks ya’ll!
and in other news...chnacat spent the entire two days being a day behind...yesterday
was wednesday and today was thursday...imagine her surprise and delight when she
found out that today is actually friday.
do you ever just feel so out of sorts in your own skin that you just wish you
could peel it off and walk away in your bones?
i’m having that kind of day...or rather, i’m having that kind of life, truth be
told. today, i feel so uncomfortable and icky, i just want to disappear.
sometimes i think about what it would be like to lose a limb or have to be in a
wheelchair, and i wonder if that would be more comfortable some how? i know, i’m
a certified whack job, but those are my thoughts sometimes.
i’m pretty sure that my current discomfort is due to my impending menses....which
i wish would just get here and then i could go back to feeling like myself again.
and other than that, i’m just bored. bored with my life. bored with the fact
that i have nothing to wear, bored with the idea that i’m bored...just bored. i
don’t know how else to explain it...other than waking up everyday and thinking,
“oh God, not this again!”...
September 05, 2004 040905_93.
still
crazy (and uncomfortable) after all these years.
right now, i'm just feeling overwhelmed...i have to clean my house, my laundry
is piled up in the hallway, and i fucking stink...which means a shower is in
order.
now, i realize that i should probably shower last, after cleaning and such,
because i'm bound to work up a sweat...but i don't know if i can stand myself,
and i don't know if i have the physical and mental energy to shower twice...
it's really quite a quandry...
so far this morning, all i've had the energy to do is to nuke some left over
coffee...and sit at the computer playing solitaire.
yesterday, i got expo and java these massive meaty bones to gnaw on, so they are
occupied with those and seem quite happy.
nicky is sitting serenely with his butt toward me on my desk, pj and pierre are
not within eyesight, so i couldn't tell you what they are doing, but whatever it
is, it's quiet.
the street is relatively quiet, and every now and then, the BART goes whizzing
by...all in all a pretty mellow moment.
now if it wasn't 150 gazzillion degrees at 10:30 in the fucking morning, it
would be a great day!
other than that, nothing new to report. still feeling like an alien trapped
inside this body... lunadyke left a nice comment for me empathizing with the
feeling and saying that she gets through it by knowing that it will pass...i
envy her! i keep waiting for the feeling to pass, and it never seems to...or it
will pass briefly, and then come back with a vengance. i honestly don't remember
a time when i felt ok in my own body.
i was looking at my old yearbooks from camp, i was 14-17 and i looked like a
normal kid...w/ a normal body...and i remember always feeling so fat in that
body...but it was a great bod. i'd kill to have a body like that now...
i remember feeling like my hips were so big and protruding out from me like the
nose on jimmy durante's face.
i've been so distorted in my thinking and my body image for so long, and now
that i am fat, and i know i'm fat, i'm not sure how to cope with that distortion...because
i don't know if i see myself as fat as i actually am...or if i see myself as
fatter than i actually am...
either way, i am still disgusted and repulsed when i look in the mirror, so i
try my best not to.
at any rate, despite my intense discomfort, i intend to try to make this a
productive day.
i'm going to the city to help my cousin with her wedding preparations later this
afternoon...and as mentioned earlier, i have much cleaning to do. so it should
be a full and fruitful sunday...good thing i have monday off, or i might not be
motivated to do any of this...
it's funny, generally, i'd prefer to stay home and watch tv and snack and nap,
rather than go out and do stuff...but then, when i'm home doing nothing, i get
bored and wish that i was out doing stuff...and when i'm out doing stuff...i
wish that i was home doing nothing.
i should probably get my head examined...but i'm sure that's been well
established by now, no?
so, happy sunday to you all...may you have an easier time deciding what to do
for the day and may you find ultimate pleasure and fulfillment in your decision!
September 07, 2004 040907_58.
just
for chucks.... i got this email from one of my favorite people this morning...and
i thought, “what the hell...it makes me laugh, it might make other people laugh...”
not to mention that it takes the pressure off for coming up with something witty
and entertaining....
so, thanks to my friend, mulher...here are...
Some Fun Ways To Maintain Your Insanity
at lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer
at passing cars...see if they slow down.
page yourself over the intercom...don’t disguise your voice.
every time someone asks you to do something, ask them, “do you want fries with
that?”
put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”.
put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their
caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
in the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors”.
finish all your sentences with; “In accordance with The Prophecy”.
don’t use any punctuation
as often as possible, skip rather than walk.
ask people what sex they are. laugh hysterically after they answer.
specify that your drive-through order is “to go!”
sing along at the opera.
go to a poetry reading and ask why the poems don’t rhyme
put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re
“not in the mood
have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock-Hard”.
when the money comes out of the ATM, jump up and down and scream, “I WON! I WON!”.
when leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, “run for
your lives, they’re loose!!”
tell your children over dinner, “due to the economy, we’re going to have to let
one of you go.”
September 08, 2004
040908_90.
oddities and the like
sometimes when i play solitaire late at night, when i can’t sleep - a weird thing
happens in my head -
i start to see the cards as people - little fifties housewives dressed up in their
neat little dresses and aprons, hosting a family bar-b-que - the green background
of the solitaire game becomes the neatly manicured lawn...
when the suits line up, and i’m winning, or appear to be winning, it’s like the
little ladies getting together to gossip - all in red, while the men tend to the
que - .stoking the coals and talking about manly things
when i’m losing, and there are no more moves, suddenly it becomes a sort of
trailer beer bash kind of thing, still all fiftied out - but an unruly get
together, not all neat and i love lucy or leave it to beaver.
more like that movie where all the hippies become giants and do the watusi - you
know, it used to be on during the daytime - the mid-day movie on Sundays -
i’m not sure what this says about me, or about my sanity, but i thought it might
be worth mentioning, for any of you who are studying me and my odd behaviour. (british
spelling for lemondancy)
and now, for a complete change of topic
so, anyway, i got down on my knees today and prayed for acceptance of self. i
prayed to feel comfortable in my skin and to love my body...i don’t know what
else to do other than to pray about it...i feel so trapped by my absolute hatred
of myself, and i don’t know how to let that go.
now, you know that this isn’t the first time i’ve done this...and it hasn’t
worked so far...but, well, you know the definition of crazy right?
doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result....
well, mark me crazy...
my wonderful friend, the mighty jo, is sending me some clothes...stuff that she
doesn’t wear anymore. i’m hoping that having some clothes that actually fit me
will help boost my self esteem or help me feel a little better.
as it is right now, i have about 5 shirts, a pair of jeans, a pair of cropped
jeans that are slightly too tight, and two pairs of shorts...which i can’t
really wear to work....when i’m home, i spend my entire time in t-shirts and
boxers...so it’ll be really nice to have some clothes.
i HATE going shopping. it is such a humiliating experience. looking at stuff...picking
out something that is halfway cute and trying to find a size that might fit you...taking
it into the dressing room...having it not fit...or having it fit, but looking
like a sherman tank...peeling off the clothes...getting frustrated and hot and
sweaty and having to walk out of there with nothing....it’s exhausting, and
embarrassing, and mortifying and degrading and shame inducing, and...hmmm...let’s
see how many other synonyms for the same word i can come up with....i think you
get the picture.
which brings me to bras...the fucking bane of my existence! i HATE wearing a bra...it
is so freakin’ uncomfortable...if society would let me, i’d go bra-less all the
time, but somehow, i don’t think that’s “office appropriate”...
at any rate, i ordered these bras from a company called decent exposures, and i
was all excited, cause i thought i’d finally found a comfortable bra that would
fit me and not feel like a torture device...and they arrived yesterday and they
didn’t fit....they were way too big...so i’m having them re-made and not giving
up hope that i’ll be forever destined to wear this medieval pain inflicting
persecution tool.
so, that’s the haps in my neck of the woods...and apart from the unbearable heat
that we’ve been having, things are pretty much status quo...(which is not
necessarily ok)
all i can tell you at this point is that i need more coffee...lots more coffee!
September 09, 2004 040909_43.
there's
nothing wrong with you, now quit complaining!
bagels for breakfast...
once a month, the owners of the company i work for bring bagels for the office...and
today, the day that i actually brought my own breakfast, instead of waiting
until i get so hungry that even crap from the vending machine looks appetizing...today
they bring bagels.
i could have used one of those bagels the other day when i wound up eating chex
mix for breakfast (and lunch)...
but i shouldn't look a gift bagel in the mouth, so thank you for the bagels...
so anyway, i'm having a helluva time with myself lately...(or should i say
constantly?)...i just feel so out of sorts. it could be that i'm bleeding, and
we all know how that makes anyone feel...
and it would be important to note that i have a better time ignoring my self
deprication when i am not menstruating, than when i am....so that's most
assuredly what is going on with me...but it doesn't make it any easier to deal
with.
they say knowledge is power...i find that often times, knowledge is debilitating...
what i mean is that it's harder to play mind games with yourself once you know
why you play those games...drugs used to work for me...they helped me completely
disconnect from life...and then i got sober, and food worked for awhile, till i
started to understand what i was doing and why i was trying to hide from
everything...then nothing worked...and i was faced with the cold harsh reality
of living.
knowledge becoming debilitating at that point because all of my old coping
mechanisms no longer worked and i felt completely beat down and broken with no
way to fix myself.
i think i have stayed in that broken place for far too long...and frankly, i'm
fucking tired of feeling so broken.
and i have no idea of how to make myself feel better...i mean, i know that i'm
supposed to fake it till i make it, but i'm not good at faking it...cause i have
a hard time lying at all...and telling myself in the mirror that i love myself
and that my body is beautiful sounds so ingenuine and ridiculous....
and what if it is my lot in life to be uncomfortable and in a constant state of
angst? what if that's just who i'm supposed to be?
i guess, if that is the case, i'm doing a bang up job...so that's something to
feel proud of, right?
i don't know. i just don't know...
and, as stated many times before, i've spent so much time disassociated from my
body and in my head, that it's hard for me to even get into myself again.
one of the things my therapist (whom i haven't been able to afford to see in
quite a long while) has me do is sit quietly and tell her how i feel.
i have such a hard time doing this, cause i'm just not in my body...
and she makes me sit there interminably, with my eyes closed, feeling...which
frankly, just doesn't work for me...although, i know that there is much
therapeutic value in it...it's just too fucking hard! especially since by the
time i start to actually feel something, the 50 minute hour is over and it's
time to go.
i really must tell her this when i see her next.
and speaking of treatment...i'm FINALLY going to the doctor for the ping pong
ball sized lump on my leg on monday at 9:45 am...
to say i'm a little nervous about the whole thing is a gross exaggeration.
but, as has been my history with medical type things...i'll wind up going, and
they'll look at it, and it'll wind up being nothing, after months of worry that
i have cancer, or i'll have to have my leg amputated...and gearing myself up for
this horrible new change in my life by reliving different scenarios in my head
over and over again.
don't get me wrong...it would be good if it turns out to be nothing....
but it just plays into all my old shit from childhood of telling my mother that
i was sick, and her telling me that i wasn't sick or wasn't sick "enough" and
being sent to school, or ignored...
there was a time when i broke my arm rollerskating...and i was wearing an arm
brace from a previous break...becuase it hurt so badly and i knew it was broken...
i told my mom and dad that it was broken, and they basically told me that there
was nothing wrong with me, and to take that "silly thing" off my arm...which i
did...and my arm swelled up to the size of one of arnold schwarzenegger's legs....at
which point they took me to the doctor and i got a cast...cause my arm was
broken.
but hey, i wouldn't be the stellar human being i am today if i hadn't lived
through all that bullshit, right?
right??
September 10, 2004 040910_39.
meow,
woof, ugh!
well, happy friday one and all! i honestly didn't think i'd make it...
i really don't have much to say that isn't a big re-hash of everything i've said
yesterday or the day before...so i'll ramble, if that's ok with ya'll...
i was thinking the other day about my dogs...how i wish that i could understand
what they were thinking, or that they could somehow learn to speak english...or
that i could somehow learn to understand and speak doglish...
i wonder if they are happy...if there could be some way that i could make their
lives better. i mean, i know that i don't play with them enough, or take them
out enough...and that there is much room for improvement in those areas...
i did buy expo 2 new balls that we could throw in the house to replace her 2nd
chalupa* which died recently...
to show her gratitude, she ate them.
i mean, completely consumed them...
so, no more inside balls...
and then there's java...what a cutie, but what a pain in the ass sometimes!
he pees...wherever he wants...i'm trying to make sure he gets out more, so he
doesn't have the "urge" to go...but sometimes, he'll go out, spend a good
amount of time outside, run around and bark at things, and then come inside and
pee...not friendly, not friendly at all!
i've resigned myself to the fact that it's not my house, it's the animal's...and
i just pay the rent and buy their food and clean up after them...my lot in life
i suppose...
it's all good...i love them, they love me...we all seem to get along ok...so no
worries
i just really wish we all spoke the same language so we could chat once in
awhile.
i can totally picture it, we'd call a family meeting, all sit down in a circle
in the living room...the cats would say their piece about how they don't like
being chased...it would go something like this:
me: i hereby bring this meeting to order...nicky has the floor
nicky: i object to the fact that we can't walk around this house without being
chased. it's uncivilized and it must cease immediately.
me: that sounds fair, java, do you agree to stop chasing?
java: cookie? did someone say cookie???
nicky: pay attention you stupid mutt...we're talking to you!
me: now nicky, be kind or you'll have a time out...java, pay attention, do you
agree to stop chasing the cats?
java: only if there are cookies involved.
pj: stop chasing us, and stop humping me all the time!!!
me: yes, stop chasing and stop humping...and if you do that, you can have a
cookie.
expo: if he gets a cookie, i get a cookie
me: fine, expo can have a cookie too.
pierre: ceci ennuyeux, peux j'aller de nouveau au sommeil ?
me: uh...como tallay vu?(comment allez-vous)
pierre: paysans d'ugh...(pierre begins to bathe himself)
me: ok, any other matters for discussion?
expo: can we play ball now?
nicky: only if you get the little one to agree to stop chasing us!
java: i'm NOT little!
pj: are too, are too!
pierre: lick, lick, lick...
java: am not! am not!
expo: here mommy, here's a ball...throw it, throw it...whine, whine, whine...
nicky: and you...big dog...quit eating out of our restroom...it's not a snack
tray!
me: yes, expo, you really have to stop doing that, it's gross!
expo: java started it!
me: if java ran out in front of a car, would you run out in front of a car?
pierre: oui, tout le vous, course dehors devant une voiture, svp !
java: i get to go outside??? oooh oooh oooh! outside! outside!
pj: can we eat now?
nicky: not out of the cat box!
expo: did someone say ball?
and it would continue on something like that until the end...or at least until
someone got out the cookies...either way, an exercise in futility i suppose...
i guess, maybe i should be happy that we all speak different languages after all,
no?
*chalupa
September 13, 2004 040913_98.
whiz,
bang, boom...everything you thought you knew has now been changed!
do you ever feel like the world is just moving too fucking fast?
i went to the doctor's office today, to find out about this lump on my leg...and
i was reading the magazines in the waiting room...
ladies home journal, good housekeeping, etc...
there were articles in them about the latest and greatest diet fads, how best to
lose weight, what to do in order to be the most fit...
these magazines were from december and september of 2003...and every piece of
eating advice was completely obsolete as it has since been proven ineffective!
what if you were a visitor to this country, and all you had access to were old
magazines!
and what if you decided to take their advice on nutrition or dieting...and you
did what they said...
you'd be doing it all wrong! you wouldn't get the desired results because you
would have received outdated information!
that's either irresponsible "journalism", or the world is just moving too
fucking fast!
remember in the late 70's / early 80's...the aerobics craze came into being?? it
was the definitive way to get and stay fit!
and it stayed that way for at least 10 years!
sure, we had different kinds of aerobics develop over time...low impact, no
impact, step aerobics, water aerobics, etc...but it was still aerobics!
now aerobics are obsolete! if you say you're going to a step class, people look
at you as though you just said you were going to go kill the pope!
now it's yoga, pilates, or whatever new fangled thing madonna is doing that is
giving her "man arms"...
and forget about diet and nutrition....
first it's no fat, then it's fat is ok, but no carbs, then carbs are ok, but you
have to eat them when the moon is full and you are standing on your head, then
eating in the moonlight is the worst thing for you, then you should never eat
standing on your head...
what's next?? a ban on solid food altogether??
i think we are in trouble....
things are spinning out of control and there is no way to stop them!
i think i want out of america! away from tv and advertising...a nice old castle
that i could renovate somewhere in the english countryside....off the grid...away
from all this madness!
September 14,
2004 040914_34.
que sera, sera...whatever they tell you to do will be....the
future's not ours to understand or plan, que sera, sera
bureaucracy...we live and swim in a sea of it. we are at it’s mercy....
and things are completely arbitrary....people can make decisions about your life
merely on a whim.
example..
i called my insurance company today, cause my rates are too high and i wanted
them lowered...so i told them that i had a quote from another insurance company
and they lowered my rate....
completely arbitrary...but i had to jump through all these ridiculous hoops to
get them to do it.
and then there is the doctor’s office...
i have a lump about the size of a golf ball in my right leg...in the back of my
thigh.
i went to the doctor yesterday, she looked at it and said it needed to be
biopsied...it could either be a cyst, or lymphoma....great news...
but here’s the rub...i have to wait for the surgery department to call me to set
up an appointment....ok..great...so, it’s either nothing, or it’s CANCER!!! and
you want me to wait until they call me to set up an appointment?? isn’t this an
emergency???
then she says, “if they tell you november, tell them you can’t wait that long.”
well, no shit sherlock!
after the doctor’s, i went home and went to bed, seeing as i was running a fever
and felt like shit...
i parked my car on the street, like i always do...and went inside, straight to
bed.
i got up this morning to go to work, went out to my car, and lo and behold, i
had a parking ticket...yesterday was street sweeping day...more fucking
bureaucracy!
i’m with my best friend...i’m ready to throw in the towel...i’m ready to be done
with this whole thing. if it weren’t for little things like taking care of my
animals, and not wanting to cause my parents any more unbearable grief, i’d be
outta here in a flash!
but that’s just talk...and thoughts...nothing i’m going to act on...so don’t be
calling the suicide hotline...i’m just tired of it all...and there isn’t a light
at the end of the tunnel...just another turn, so it’s hard to keep pushing on
through.
but let’s talk about happy things, shall we? things like chocolate, and minty
ice cream w/ little slivery chocolate chips, and puppies, and fresh snow...yes...happy
thoughts...push all thoughts of cancer, and surgery, and overdue bills, and
parking tickets, and doctors and societal bullshit out of your mind....la la la
la la la la la la...i can’t hear you....i’m not listening....
September 15, 2004 040915_87.
i'm
sorry mr. and mrs. chnacat, we did our best, but there was nothing we could do
to save your daughter...
i'm going to the surgeon in about 20 minutes for my "consultation"...i'm sure
they'll biopsy it right there, but who knows...
to say i'm feeling anxious is a complete and total understatement.
of course, it's probably nothing, probably a cyst or something that will go away
on it's own...but the mind will spin, given the opportunity...and who am i to
turn down an opportunity?
i've already been through the scenario of "what if it's cancer"...here are
some of my thoughts...beware, they are sick and twisted:
ok, it's cancer, i have to do chemo...i'll probably lose lots of weight...maybe
this was the "reason" i got so fat in the first place, to prepare for the
impending vomit fest...
ok, it's cancer, i won't do chemo, i'll just have them cut it all out, which
will entail removing my leg...should i opt for a prothesesis? or a wheelchair??
and if i get a wheelchair, can i get one of those sporty cool ones? or do i have
to have one of those boxy lame ones?
ok, it's cancer...i'll just get everything in order and let it kill me...
here's where the brain switches into high gear and starts planning my funeral
and then there's the "it's nothing" scenario...
ok, it's nothing....good on one hand...but there goes all my fantastic cancer
scenarios....
i know, i know, i'm a sick fuck...what can i say...
it doesn't help that i'm constantly mildly depressed, despite the on going
intake of SSRI's every evening before bedtime....
i guess we'll just all have to wait and see what the doctor says...
September 16, 2004 040916_42.
lump-gate
2004
i'm home from work today for Rosh Hashana...being a good jew...
i really should be in temple...but i don't have a temple here, and frankly, i
don't feel like going to temple... so i won't.
the update on my leg is...the doctor wants to do a CAT scan on my leg before
they do anything else so he can determine the following:
how big it is
if it's attached to anything
where exactly in my leg it is
so, i'm waiting for kaiser to call me w/ an appointment for that...
this news was rather upsetting for my dad...he wanted me to have answers right
now. he wanted me to be uber assertive w/ the doctor and make sure to ask lots
of questions...he also told me that he was feeling really anxious about it and
was worried about me.
my mom on the other hand was really unmoved...she seemed kind of disinterested...that's
not really a fair characterization...but she said something like, "ok, well,
tell me when you find out more".
pretty typical...
anyway, i called the office today to find out why they were taking their own
sweet time to get me an appointment, and the lady is going to call me back today.
this is good...yes?
in other news, the landlord is having the building sandblasted so that it can be
repainted...makes for a really peaceful afternoon...
so, i'm sitting here, having some good coffee...thinking about cleaning my house...noticing
that my leg hurts...and that's about it.
i'm not sure if my leg hurts now cause i'm more accutely aware of it, or because
it actually hurts...either way, it hurts...
oh, and one more thing...about the change in picture on my diary...i was getting
bored w/ the old one...as is what usually happens...and i was looking through
all the pics and this one just sort of appealed to me...it speaks of my
frustration w/ the world and all the silly stupid things that go on that i have
no control over...not anything morbid, just an intense world weariness.
September 17, 2004 040917_78.
it's
raining ants....hallelujah!
woke up this morning...went into the kitchen and saw this:
ants....all over the cat food and into the dog food bin and all over the counter...up
the wall, down the wall, on the ceiling, etc....
so i set out to clean it all up...which made me late for work...and i finally
got it all cleaned up, walked out into the living room and realized that the
floor was moving, and again, i saw this:
so i called in to work and told them i had an ant emergency on my hands and that
i'd be late...got in my car, went to walgreen's, bought some ant spray and ant
bait thingies and went home to clean it all up.
what a pain in the ass....when it rains, it pours, and apparently, it pours ants.
and another indication that i should have stayed in bed today is that every call
i get seems to be from an angry customer...or at least persnickety ones...what
crawled up their butt's and died?? it certainly wasn't the ants in my kitchen!
i hate people.
so anyway, l'shana tovah and etc...
my mom called me last night and appologized for anything she may have done over
the year to hurt me...at first i thought, "wow, that's really nice of her",
and then i realized that she was just doing what the rabbi told her to do...so i'm
not sure of the sincerity of it all...but hey, beggars can't be choosers, right?
leg update...the doctor changed the test from a CAT scan to an mri, which means
a different department, which means a different appointment scheduler, which
means i have to wait until next week....God love bureacracy, yet again!
which means my anxiety goes way up
September 20, 2004 040920_30.
and
so, like sands through the hourglass...this is the lump in your leg
well, nothing new to report in any area of my life...i’m not sure if that’s a
good thing or a bad thing.
today, in the shower, i couldn’t even pray...my head is all muddled...
i had a chat w/ some co-workers on friday about leg, and they said to just give
it up to God...there’s nothing i can do about it and that i have to have faith
that God has my best interest at heart...
of course, i know this to be true, but it doesn’t really help me much. it didn’t
comfort me, although i’m sure that was their intention.
and i feel like i’m eating out of control. making really bad food choices and
not eating properly....i’m a mess.
the CAT scan, which got changed to an MRI is today at 3:30...i’m not sure how
long it takes to get results...so more waiting.
i had a killer headache this weekend...i took 2 sinus things and 3 advil and
then just laid on the couch and tried not to barf. the dogs and cats kept me
company. they’ve been really lovey lately, which has been nice, but freaks me
out a little bit, cause maybe they intuit that something bad is happening to me...
i’m trying not to worry too much about it...i mean, they are going to have cut
out the lump regardless of what happens...so i shouldn’t stress too much about
it...but the thought of having to have surgery isn’t comforting either.
i don’t know much else. i’ve been feeling depressed and helpless...but i just
keep plodding along....
thanks to all of you for your kind words and wishes!
September 21, 2004 040921_20.
don't worry miss...this won't hurt a bit
update on lump gate 2004
so, yesterday, i had an MRI.
anyone who tells you that an MRI is no big deal is a fucking liar.
first of all, you have to put on this gown, that is made for people without
breasts or hips...
then they had me tape vitamin e gel caps around where the lump on my leg is...i
guess so they could see it on the image, or something...
then they had me climb up and lay on this table thing, they put some kind of
metal blanket thing over my leg, taped my feet together so they wouldn’t move,
put some weird thing betwixt my legs, and under my knees and then asked me if i
was comfortable.
then the table thing moved into this really small tube...all the way up to my
forehead....
the guy had given me some ear plugs...and i had heard that it would be loud...he
went out of the room and asked me on the little intercom thing if i was ok...which
i could barely hear cause i had the ear plugs in...
i said, “mmmhmmm” and then i laid there for what seemed like forever with
nothing happening. all of a sudden, without warning, there were some pinging and
banging noises...and then the thing started to make these awful sounds...i felt
like i was in the middle of one of those emergency broadcast things they play on
the radio...but it was right next to my head.
most unpleasant.
they had warned me prior to all the fanfare that they may have to give me an
injection of “contrast” if the doctor felt that he couldn’t read the MRI well
enough...so this whole time i’m in the tube, i’m praying that they won’t have to
give me this contrast stuff.
after about 20 minutes, they machine stops and the door opens and the table
slides out and the guy says, “ok, we’re going to have to give you the contrast”.
now, i don’t think i can adequately explain my fear of needles and the immediate
rise in blood pressure that this news caused. consequently, i started to panic a
bit...stuck out my arm, and put my other arm over my eyes.
the guy made some smarmy comment about how he didn’t think there was anyone more
afraid of needles than he was...and then started asking me about my tattoos.....
needless to say, i was not in a chatty mood and didn’t really answer him...i was
just trying to get through it...
he stuck me...and then said, “ok, the hard part is over, i just have to
administer the contrast.”
and i thought, “no you fucker, the hard part is over when you get that fucking
needle out of my arm” which felt like it would take forever.
even writing about it now, my arm hurts where i got stuck and it’s making me
very qwoozy...
ok, so that horrible part done with, and it’s back in the tube for about 15 more
minutes...
and then it was done.
i asked them if i could look at it on the computer screen, and they said no.
fuckers...i spend 45 minutes in a tube and i can’t even see my insides on the
screen?!?
so, now i’m waiting for my results. i decided that i’m going to call the doctor
in about an hour so i can pester him into telling me what it is....
and the waiting game continues...
10:03
am September 21, 2004 040921_17.
i do not like them, sam i am...
this is the second entry for the day, but i couldn't resist reposting this from
the michigan bulletin board
The Whos down in Whoville liked people a lot, But the Grinch in the White House
most certainly did not. He didn't arrive there by the will of the Whos, But
stole the election that he really did lose. Vowed to "rule from the middle,"
then installed his regime. (Did this really happen, or is it just a bad dream?)
He didn't listen to voters, just his friends he was pleasin' Now, please don't
ask why, who knows what's the reason. It could be his heart wasn't working just
right. It could be, perhaps, that he wasn't too bright. But I think that the
most likely reason of all, Is that both brain and heart were two sizes too small.
In times of great turmoil, this was bad news, To have a government that ignores
its Whos.
But the Whos shrugged their shoulders, went on with their work, Their duties as
citizens so casually did shirk. They shopped at the mall and watched their T.V.
They drove a gas guzzling big S.U.V., Oblivious to what was going on in D.C.,
Ignoring the threats to democracy. They read the same papers that ran the same
leads, Reporting what only served corporate needs. (For the policies affecting
the lives of all nations Were made by the giant U.S. Corporations.) Big business
grew fatter, fed by its own greed, And by people who shopped for the things they
didn't need.
But amidst all the apathy came signs of unrest, The Whos came to see we were
fouling our nest. And the people who cared for the ideals of this nation Began
to discuss and exchange information: The things they couldn't read, in the
corporate-owned news, Of FTAA meetings and CIA coups, Of drilling for oil and
restricting rights. They published some books, created Websites, Began to write
letters, and use their e-mail (Though Homeland Security might send them to jail!)
What began as a whisper soon grew to a roar, These things going on they could no
longer ignore. They started to rise up and reach out to all Let their voices be
heard, they rose to the call, To vote, to petition, to gather, dissent, To
question the policies of the "President."
As greed gained in power and power knew no shame The Whos came together, sang "Not
in our name!" One by one from their sleep and their slumber they woke The old
and the young, all kinds of folk, The black, brown and white, the gay, bi- and
straight, All united to sing, "Feed our hope, not our hate! Stop stockpiling
weapons and aiming for war! Stop feeding the rich, start feeding the poor! Stop
storming the deserts to fuel SUV's! Stop telling us lies on the mainstream T.V.'s!
Stop treating our children as a market to sack! Stop feeding them Barney, Barbie
and Big Mac! Stop trying to addict them to lifelong consuming, In a time when
severe global warming is looming! Stop sanctions that are killing the kids in
Iraq! Start dealing with ours that are strung out on crack!"
A mighty sound started to rise and to grow, "The old way of thinking simply
must go! Enough of God versus Allah, Muslim vs. Jew With what lies ahead, it
simply won't do. No American dream that cares only for wealth Ignoring the need
for community health The rivers and forests are demanding their pay, If we're to
survive, we must walk a new way. No more excessive and mindless consumption Let's
sharpen our minds and garner our gumption. For the ideas are simple, but the
practice is hard, And not to be won by a poem on a card. It needs the ideas and
the acts of each Who, So let's get together and plan what to do!"
And so they all gathered from all 'round the Earth And from it all came a
miraculous birth. The hearts and the minds of the Whos they did grow, Three
sizes to fit what they felt and they know. While the Grinches they shrank from
their hate and their greed, Bearing the weight of their every foul deed.
From that day onward the standard of wealth, Was whatever fed the Whos spiritual
health. They gathered together to revel and feast, And thanked all who worked to
conquer their beast. For although our story pits Grinches 'gainst Whos, The true
battle lies in what we daily choose. For inside each Grinch is a tiny small Who,
And inside each Who is a tiny Grinch too. One thrives on love and one thrives on
greed. Who will win out? It depends who you feed!
- Poet Unknown
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and
those who matter don't mind."
- Dr. Seuss
September 21, 2004 040921_16.
the "c" word
this is the third entry of the day, but i got the results of the MRI so i
thought i'd share
it's a sarcoma.
which is cancer
they are going to remove it on thursday the 30th...and if they don't get it all,
they'll do radiation.
September 22,
2004 040922_60.
more on the "c" word
ok, so i have cancer...in my leg...
i'm feeling kind of numb and don't really know how i feel about it.
i'm scheduled for surgery on thursday the 30th and my mom is going to fly in and
take care of me until saturday the 2nd...i'm making them give me a local cause
there is no fucking way i'm going under.
i flat out refuse to have an IV and i don't want to have to worry about taking
out my piercings and having them close up...so i'm not going under...not to
mention that i just don't like the idea of it...so i won't do it.
i've also been told to get a second opinion, so i called the doctor and asked to
have him call me back. i have questions...
like:
how do they know it's just in my leg and not other places in my body?
how do they know that surgery will get rid of all of it?
how does one get this?
etc...
i'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the whole thing...
and my leg hurts a lot! i'm not sure if it's psychosomatic, or what, but it
hurts a lot more than it has in the past and a lot more consistently than it has
in the past.
so, i guess that's all i know...when i know more, i'll let ya'll know.
thank you so much for all the kind words and hugs and well wishes! you don't
know how much that all means to me, and it means a hell of a lot!
September 22, 2004 040922_56.
just for fun shamelessly stolen from karen
because i needed something mindless and fun for my diary! (thanks karen)
(x) - you've done
(_) - you haven't done
(X) Been drunk
(X) Kissed a member of the opposite sex
(X) Kissed a member of the same sex
(X) Crashed a friend's car
(_) Been to Japan
(X) Ridden in a taxi
(X) Been in love
(X) Been dumped
(X) Shoplifted
(X) Been fired
(_) Been in a fist fight
(_) Snuck out of parent's house
(X) Ever dated someone of the same sex
(X) Had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(_) Been arrested
(X) Made out with a stranger
(X) Stole something from my job
(_) Celebrated new years in time square
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Lied to a friend
(X) Had a crush on a teacher
(_) Celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(X) Been to Europe
(_) Been to Asia
(_) Skipped school
(_) Slept with a co-worker
(X) Cut myself on purpose
(X) Been married
(X) Gotten divorced
(_) Had children
(X) Seen someone die.
(X) Been to Africa
(X) Had a crush on one of my Live journal/xanga/diaryland friends
(_) Slapped someone I loved
(X) Driven over 400 miles to attend a show/festival/fetish ball (the grateful
dead)
(_) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(_) Thrown up in a bar
(_) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(X) Eaten sushi
(X) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet
(_) Been moshing at a concert
(_) Had real feelings for someone you knew only online
(X) Been in an abusive relationship
(_) Been pregnant or got someone pregnant
(_) Lost a child
(X) Gone to college
(X) Graduated college
(x) Tried killing yourself
(X) Taken painkillers
(_) Intentionally burned yourself
(X) Love someone or miss someone right now
September 24, 2004 040924_94.
kindness in fear-town
ok, so sorry i haven’t updated in a couple of days...it’s been kind of, well,
overwhelming, to say the least.
my mom is coming on wednesday so she can go to my pre-op appointment with me,
and then the surgery is on thursday...probably around 10 or 11.
i found out that i’m going to have to have an IV, which thrills me in ways you
could never imagine...needless to say, i’m petrified (which isn’t a strong
enough word)
the dr. is pretty sure it’s a sarcoma, but doesn’t want to make any definitive
statements on what it is until it’s out...which makes sense to me. they are
going to do a chest x-ray on wednesday because according to the doc, when these
things spread, they generally spread to the chest...so they want to make sure
that i’m clear.
i’m trying to keep it hush hush at the office, but one of my co-workers heard my
talking on the phone yesterday through the practically sound proof 4 foot
cubicle walls and this morning, there were flowers on my desk. very sweet...but
now i’m afraid that the whole office is going to know and i don’t know if i’m
ready for that.
don’t get me wrong, it was an incredibly friendly gesture! i have no words...i’m
stunned really...
yesterday, i wound up leaving work early cause i just felt like shit...i was
dizzy and nauseous...which i’m sure is probably psycho-somatic, but still...and
my boss, another amazingly kind person is getting me set up to work from home if
i need to for a while after the surgery...
he is one incredibly wonderful person. very caring and very accommodating. he
said he doesn’t care how long it takes me to get well..just to get well. my job
is secure and i shouldn’t worry about that at all.
i’m really lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family around me. i know
i’m blessed...it’s just that right now, i’m terrified...
September 25, 2004 040925_22.
cancer has its privileges
today, just now, i went to telegraph to go to cafe intermezzo to get myself a
salad for dinner...
on the way home, i was absent mindedly driving down shattuck...i was speeding...
the next thing in know, i'm startled out of my stupor by the red and blue
flashing lights behind me and the siren, so i pull over.
i notice that the officer that is pulling me over is the same womyn who i had
seen in my rear view mirror just minutes before, yawning and rubbing her face...so
i mention it to her...
"i noticed you in my rear view mirror a while back there, you look tired...long
day?"
she just smiles as i hand her my drivers license and proof of insurance...
"you know, the speed limit on shattuck is 25..." she says
"yeah, i know" i say shamefully. "i was just diagnosed with cancer, so my
head is kind of somewhere else"
"well, make sure you pay attention to your driving and slow down"
she hands me back my license, pats me on the shoulder and says, "put your
seatbelt on" and walks back to her car.
i drove 25 all the rest of the way home!
September 27, 2004 040927_96.
from odd, to bad, to downright miserable
i’m driving to work today and there’s this sign on the freeway off ramp for the
Cal Bears football team.
it has a picture of about 10 or 12 team members making game day faces and it
reads:
ROLL ON YOU BEARS
now, looking at this sign of course makes me think about it...the wording, the
phrase itself, what they mean by it...
i’m not sure if they mean ROLL ON YOU, BEARS
or ROLL ON, YOU BEARS
or ROLL, ON YOU BEARS
and why exactly use those particular words? i mean there are plenty of other
ways to promote a team, ya know?
i mean, there’s your standard, “GO, FIGHT, WIN!”. and of course “GO TEAM GO!”.
they could have used some overused rock and roll lyrics, like “WE WILL ROCK YOU”
or something like that...but ROLL ON YOU BEARS????
it’s completely ambiguous.
or maybe that’s what they were going for...cause you know, cal is such a high
falootin’ school full of ¸ber intellectuals...maybe there is some esoteric
meaning that we regular freeway driving morons wouldn’t understand...
either way, it’s a lame sign with a lame slogan and a lame picture of a bunch of
slightly post pubescent boys trying to look like men.
i have spoken!
in other news, as the day of surgery draws closer and i am starting (continuing)
to really freak out about it.
oddly enough, i think i’ll feel a little better when my mom gets here.
i have this horrible feeling that there is really something wrong...in my body...
i have a history of feeling sick, or being sick or having broken bones and
telling my parents and having them not believe me, or minimize it...
so i'm a little nervous about the doctors or my parents telling me that it's not
that big a deal, and they'll get all of it and that will be that...
when i know/feel that there is and has been something really wrong in my body
for a while...i'm always in pain...to which i had attributed to having gained so
much weight so quickly and being a fat ass...(which would be my mom's reason -
she didn't tell me that, it's just so engrained in me that i can intuit what she
would say)
so now i'm worried that the reasons that i've had such weird pains is because of
whatever it is that's growing in my leg...
and i think that it's a lot bigger than the doctor seems to think it is. i can
feel it...it feels like it sort of spreads out under my muscle...
i don't know what i'm trying to say here, i guess i'm just rambling...
i think my point is that it feels like something bad...
as an aside...i must tell you that in times of stress these past few days, when
i've felt really sad...at the end of my rope, i've gone and listened to magical
trevor (see below) and it's really cheered me up!
and then there’s today.
today is the day that my brother committed suicide 15 years ago.
when it rains, it fuckin’ pours!
so yeah, kevin jumped off his therapists building (a 10 story medical building)
on this day in 1989. we found out later that his therapist was most likely
molesting him. he was indicted for molesting boys at a california youth
authority camp...
kevin was most likely being abused by him and because of his autism and mental
illness, wasn’t able to tell my parents...it’s a long sordid tale, i won’t get
into the gory details....
suffice it to say, on this day, i remember my brother and that horribly moment
when i found out that he was dead.....
September 28, 2004 040928_99.
stand
and deliver, your money or your life...HWOAH!
i swear, i am so blessed to have so many friends and loved ones that care for me!
the mighty jo has put me on the meditation/prayer list at Hawk Hill (Lesbian
land trust) in the Ozarks...they do a meditation/prayercircle/chant every Monday...
and jenna’s mom has lit a candle for me...not to mention the countless people
who have put me in their prayers. i’m a lucky girl
my mom is due to arrive tomorrow morning around 10. we’ll have several errands
to run as well as going to my pre-op appointment at 2:45 and then it’s back to
the house to get the animals acclimated to their grandmommy (who they don’t
really know).
we totally got into it last night over what’s going to happen after the surgery.
she has this idea that afterwards, my aunt and uncle will come back to my place
and she’ll sit around and talk with them after putting me to bed...i told her
that i didn’t like that idea, because i’m worried about the dogs and the fact
that they might let them get out by not being careful enough around the doors....it
also sort of rubs me the wrong way, knowing that while i’m out of it, there will
be people in my house...that kind of bothers me.
but both my mom and dad are adamant about it and they assure me that my mother (who
has NO experience with animals and has been afraid of dogs my entire life) will
be able to pick up java and make sure he doesn’t bolt for the door. they said
that i couldn’t expect my aunt and uncle to drive 2 Ω hours to keep my mom
company while i’m in surgery and not ask them over afterwards.
sidebar...the word adamant ñ it’s meaning is “unlikely to change in response to
any request or argument; firmly decided or fixed; unyielding”
i have always loved that word...not because of it’s meaning, but because it’s
also adam ant...and i used to totally have a crush on adam ant...loved him! that
was before i knew i was gay
i told them how upset it was making me and then my dad just started getting
really shitty and telling me, “fine, i’ll tell your mother to tell them not to
come” and being a dick about it...
my mom couldn’t understand why i was getting so upset and why i was “making a
mountain out of a mole hill”...i told her that i was very upset about it, and it
was the only thing that i was able to be upset about right now...
i guess she/they just don’t get that i’m really freaking out about the whole
thing....and if my anxiety has to come out over the animals, then so be it...
then my mother said, “well, maybe i shouldn’t come at all then.” to which i
replied, “fine, don’t come, i’ll find someone else to take me to the hospital”.
i’m not trying to be selfish or ungrateful. i know that people love me and care
about me....but you’d think that they could help alleviate some of my fears
instead of exacerbating them, ya know?
it makes me want to scream, “HEY, I’M THE ONE WITH CANCER HERE! EVERYONE ELSE
CAN FUCK OFF!!”
i wish so desperately that my best friend lived closer
and i’m afraid that i’ve totally fucked things up with lemondancy, cause i’ve
been really uncommunicative lately and have slept through phone dates and things
like that...and i’m not quite sure how to fix that....
and admitting to myself how scared i really am is almost too much for me to deal
with right now, so i’m keeping that at bay as much as i can.
September 29, 2004 040929_21.
everything is going exactly as planned!
here is a lesson for all of you in
"how not to start out your day"
today is the day my mother arrives...in t-50 minutes and counting...
so, i get up at 9 which is when i set my alarm (actually, a little before
because the jack-ass painters that are painting the building decided that it
would be a good idea to start early on a fucking saturday and happen to be
painting right outside my bedroom window...to which the dogs had a fucking field
day...
but i digress
so, anyway, back to mom...i get up, i take the dogs out to do their "business"
and i start to tidy up a bit (not too much, or mom'll have nothing to complain
about and nothing to clean....
i decided to straighten out my bills and was looking at my credit card statement
and noticed a late fee...
so i called the credit card company...which incidently is not an 800 number...and
spoke with some indian womyn who was probably actually in india because the
credit card company is so fucking cheap that they have probably outsourced all
of their labor to third world countires...
but again, i digress
she said there was nothing they could do about the late charge. i so badly
wanted to play the cancer card...but i didn't....cause that's just not right now,
is it....
so, after she tells me that my payment was "actually quite late", she tries to
sell me on switching over my auto financing to their credit card company.
i almost said, "no fucking way sister"...but i held back
then she had the audacity to actually wish me a "wonderful day"....
where do they get these people??!!
(oh yeah, india....taking away the jobs of the people that actually live in the
place where they do business...)
grrr and grrrr....
so now i'm in a super cheery mood, and ready to go pick up mom!
i've steeled myself up inside, ready for the way she will be visibly grossed out
by my piercings, and i'm ready for the shock, disbelief, anger, and then, "i
can't look at you" statement that invariably comes after such an episode that
will occurr when she sees the tattoo on my finger and forearm...
this should prove to be a stellar day!
September 30, 2004 040930_86.
some day, all of this will make sense
well kids, today's the day.
the pre-op went fine, aside from some incredibly uninformed and seemingly lost
nurse practitioner who had her head up her ass...(more about that in a sec)
things went smoothly, if not long.
i picked my mom up at the airport, she was walking out of the terminal just as i
pulled up...which was perfect.
we went to ikea to get her a pillow, then went to get something to eat.
on the way to the restaurant, she informed me that i had taken her beautiful
daughter and done everything in my power to make myself unatractive...to which i
informed her that she really should keep her mouth shut if she doesn't have
anything nice to say and that telling me i'm ugly really hurt my feelings.
she then told me that she didn't tell me that i'm ugly and that ugly and
unatractive are two completely different things.
uh, yeah...
so then, we went to eat and she told me that my labret piercing wasn't as bad as
she thought it was going to be...and we ate, but i felt like i was going to
throw up the whole time, so i didn't enjoy my food...
then we went home, and she made some phone calls and assessed the cleaning job
ahead of her, while i played computer games.
i had purposely left things a little grungy so she would have something to feel
self righteous about.
then we went to the pre-op appointment.
this was fascinating...we waited in a waiting room after paying my co-pay...they
finally called me, and the lady gave me some papers to fill out...then the
anesthesiologist came to get me, and we talked to her for awhile. i told her
that i was needle phobic and needed a valium. she orderd that and some emla
cream for the iv (emla numbs your skin) and then it was back to the waiting room.
then some huge guy came and got us...he was nice...brought us in a room, took my
blood pressure, weighed me (much to my chagrin) and told us to wait for the
nurse practitioner, ruth something-or-other, "she's a real nice lady". and
then he left.
incidentally, while he was taking my blood pressure, he made some comment about
my tattoos...how he didn't like them generally but he liked the one on my arm...which
got my mom going about tattoos...then she asked him what he thought about
piercings, to which he responded that he thought they were no big deal. ha!
touchÈ!
then the nurse practitioner came in, shook my hand with a limp handshake (ick,
ick, ick!) and started asking me questions. we got to the "what medications are
you taking" question, and i said, "lexapro and synthroid"...she asked me the
dosage of the synthroid and then said, "lexapro, what's that, i've never heard
of it"
ok, now lexapro is a pretty standard anti-depressant medication...so that was
weird
then she asked me if i had a fever or felt naseous...i said that i felt like i
was going to throw up, but it was probably nerves....and she got all weird on my
and started asking me if this was a regular thing and did this happen all the
time.
i had to reiterate several times that it was just nerves...and then my mom
jumped in and backed me up...
so then she asks what kind of surgery i was having, and i told her it was to
remove a lump in my leg...and she said, "oh is it a lypoma or something",
intimating that if i was naseous, that they might have to postpone the surgery...
i said, "no, it's a sarcoma", and she said, "oh, well, that has to come out,
so i guess if you're a little naseous..."
and i reiterated again that it was just nerves...
then it was back to the waiting room...
oh yeah, this whole time, i kept asking someone to tell me when my surgery was
and where i needed to go...when we asked the nurse practitioner, she said "someone
should be calling you tonight to let you know"...which was completely
unacceptable...finally, some really nice girl gave us the information, but only
after we'd asked 4 people for it.
so, we were then called into another room with this really nice nurse who had a
lot of helpful things to say and was very calming and very nice...we both liked
her very much.
then it was off to x-ray for a chest x-ray...and 2 1/2 hours later, we were done.
we then went to the grocery store where my mom kept making comments about how
she wished i'd get some healthy food and how it just broke her heart to see me
like this (meaning fat) and i told her to knock it off...
we got the food and then went home where she proceded to scour my house.
i told her that if it made her happy, she could clean the house, but not to go
through my stuff or throw anything away...
when she started bringing me stuff to ask me if she could throw it away i got
pissed off and yelled at her that if she was going to go through my stuff, she
needed to stop.
all day, we went through this series of getting along great, and then she'd say
something assinine and we'd have a little spat, and then we'd get along again....she's
a piece of work...but she's my mom.
so now, it's off to the hospital...thank you all for all of your well wishes! i'm
taking you all with me to keep me company and keep me calm!
i'll see ya when it's all over!
October
01, 2004 041001_52.
good things come in surgical packages
well, the surgery is over. it wasn't too bad...the IV was the WORST!!! but once
they gave me the spinal (which didn't really hurt) my whole lower half went numb
and i was smooth sailing from there.
i was in recovery till 6:00 cause my legs were numb and i couldn't walk.
the doctor called us today to tell us that the tumor is benign!!!
i don't have cancer!
i attribute that to the fact that so many of you were praying and lighting
candles for me.
thank you so much.
the doctor said that it was a tumor that mimics a sarcoma and is often mistaken
for cancer!
so thank you again.
i'm in INCREDIBLE pain, and the vicoden isn't working, so my mom called the
doctor and they are giving me tylenol w/ codeine...
i'm getting back in bed now.
i love you guys!
October 04, 2004
041004_93.
good things come in motherly packages
a quick update cause i can only sit on the very edge of the chair and my butt
goes numb after a few minutes and it's very painful
i just wanted to again say thank you to all of you who lit candles or said
prayers or chanted or did rituals...thank you thank you thank you! whatever you
put out in the universe worked!!!
and i also wanted to just let you all know that my mom was a-fucking-mazing!
we got off to a rocky start, with a couple of bumps...but as soon as it came
down to brass tacks, she was nothing but great!
she took amazing care of me and made sure i was comfortable. she cleaned my
entire house from top to bottom. she was wonderful with the animals, petting
them and talking to them and playing with them despite the fact that she's
allergic to them and was sneezing the whole time she was here!
she completely put aside all of her prejudices about my piercings, fat, and
tattoos and just was my mommy! it was great! i even cried when she left cause i
didn't want her to go!
ok, well, my butt's starting to get numb and my leg is starting to really hurt
so i'm back to bed.
i love you guys! i really do!!! your comments and love and good thoughts have
really helped get me through this!
October 06, 2004 041006_51.
woe is
me...alas and alack
well folks, it’s some day in october i have no idea what day it is - wait, lemme
check -
ok, it’s wednesday
i’m outta my bed, at least for as long as i can be - and i haven’t taken a pain
pill, but it’s starting to really hurt, so before i get all high and mighty on
ya, i’ll just say “yet” - i haven’t taken a pain pill yet -
it’s still almost impossible to sit without excruciating amounts of pain, so i’m
still sitting on the edge of the chair until my butt goes numb -
so as you can clearly see, things are great! couldn’t be better! i might even go
outside and see if i can get in on a pick up game of round ball with the homies -
my cousin’s wedding is rapidly approaching (this saturday) and my parents are
coming (back) up here on friday. my auntie and my cousin are coming over today
to visit me which is very nice, but keep in mind that i haven’t showered since
last thursday - so i’m sure i’m kinda stenchy!
but, if they want to stink me, that’s their perogative i ëspose.
you know it’s bad when you can stink yourself while you’re just sitting there
doing nothing.
can we all say, “ick”? ok, together now - one, two, three - .ICK
good
so, i have nothing exciting to report. i ordered from safeway.com for the
explicit purpose of getting more dryers lime fruit bars. i ordered 6 boxes of
them and cleared out a spot in my freezer for them -
safeway.com has this lame rule that you have to have a minimum $50 dollar order,
so i added a few other things to get it to $50 bucks - and then i waited anxiously
for the delivery -
it came yesterday - but with no lime pops! they were OUT OF STOCK!!!! can you
fucking believe that???? who in their right mind would think that they would be
out of stock on such a thing! i mean, they are a fucking supermarket for God’s
sake! they are not allowed to be out of stock on food!!! that’s patently
ridiculous!!!
all the delivery guy could say was, “i’m sorry ma’am” - which further pissed me
off because i HATE being called ma’am!
then, i called safeway.com and asked them if i would have to place another $50
dollar order just to get my lime bars - which they should deliver to me for free
because they didn’t bring them the first time -
all he could say was that their system was set up to only take $50 dollar orders
and there was no way around it - .and then he said, "i’m sorry ma’am" -
so i hung up on him
fuckers!
so, here i am, healing with no lime bars - it’s a travesty really - but i’ll buck up
and deal with it - i mean, things could be worse right??? i could be sitting here
healing with cancer and no lime bars - .
October 08, 2004 041008_75.
just
another stupid quiz ok, this is not exactly earth shattering information...but
here we go:
take the antisocial test.
and go to mewing.net. because laura's feeling social.
October 10, 2004 041010_98.
just
the same old story in a different setting on a different day so, my cousin's a
sadie (sadie, sadie, married lady" from funny girl)
the wedding was beautiful. cousin was absolutely stunning in her gown and her
new husband was equally stunning in his suit.
the wedding took place at the chenery house which was interesting...
it was nice to see all my cousins and aunties and uncles. my auntie looked
gorgeous in a sort of plumie colored long dress. and her hubby, who performed
the ceremony looked elegant in a crisp off white shirt and pants and a hand
croched tam...
all in all, it was a wonderful wedding
i had to indure only a few cruel comments from my parents - specifically, my dad
telling me how upset he was that i am “as big as a house” - which he reiterated
several times
but all in all, it was ok. there was drama of course - but i managed to stay well
out of it. - hooray for me.
and now my parents are gone, i've put back in all my piercings and i'm going to
relax.
i'm really sort of in a place that feels kind of desperate and dark. i know i'm
fat and ugly (as reinforced by the loving words of my parents) and it feels like
there is no escape from that (from being fat and ugly...not from the words of my
parents, although, now that you mention it, that's sort of inescapable as well)
i feel like a social failure...i'm not doing anything with my life...just living
each day doing pretty much the same thing (cleaning up after the animals)
i don't know what i want to do with my life...i don't want to go on a diet, i
don't want to have plastic surgery to make myself social pretty, i don't really
want to leave my house unless i have to...i know that's depression....but i don't
know how to get away from it really.
i know that i shouldn't isolate, but then i get so irritated with the world and
people that going out is more of a stress than anything else...
i'm uncomfortable in my skin, and uncomfortable taking up space, and i'm
uncomfortable in the world...and i don't know how not to feel that way.
sure, i could lose 80 pounds, i've done it before on more than 2 occassions...but
then what, most likely, i'd gain it back and be even fatter than i am now...
if i listen to my father, it's just mind over matter, i can lose the weight and
keep it off, no problem...and the only reason i'm fat is because i don't like
myself...
well, no shit sherlock...it's true, i don't like myself...i don't see that there's
much to like...but it's not that easy to just drop the weight and keep it off. i
kept off 75 pounds for over a year....and look where i am now.
i feel helpless against it and hopeless about it and i don't know what to do or
how to explain to my dad that it's not just mind over matter and it's not that
easy. if it was, then people wouldn't keep yo-yo'ing up and down.
and my mom....she commented on EVERYONE at the wedding, "oh, so and so got so
fat"..."did you see so and so?? she's not looking so good, she looks fat"..."oh,
so and so shouldn't be wearing those pants, not with that butt"..."wow, so and
so used to be so pretty, but she got so big"...etc. ad infinitum.
i wish so much that she could see people and not see body sizes....but there's
no changing her
so anyway, i know i'm rambling, and i know that it's pretty much the same old
shit...but i feel like i'm stuck in a 20 foot deep trench and i can't claw my
way out of it...
i've tried to have acceptance for my predicament, but every once in awhile, i
feel like i should try to be something different or do something different, or
remake myself in someone else's image of what/who i should be...and it's at
those points that i realize i'm still stuck in the trench.
and that's when i can taste the dirt in my mouth and feel the pain in my hands
from clawing and the walls of my prison...and i'm not even sure how i got here
in the first place.
October 10, 2004 041010_66.
it's
another twofer! lucky you, lucky me! ok, this is a fun game...To do this survey,
you must answer all of the questions using only lyrics from one band or singer.
Have fun! My current answers to the lyrics of: The Indigo Girls
1. Are you male or female?:
"the girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders"
2. Describe yourself:
"thought i knew my mind like the back of my hand, the gold and the rainbow, but
nothin' panned out as i planned. and they say only milk and honey's gonna make
your soul satisfied! well i better to learn how to swim, cause the crossing is
chilly and wide."
3. How do others feel about you:
"she won't recover from her losses, she's not chose this path, but she watches
who it crosses. maybe move to the right, maybe move to the left so we can all
see her pain she wears like a banner on her chest. and we all say it's sad, and
we think it's a shame. and she's called our attention but we do not call her
name."
4. How do you feel about yourself:
"so i know i'm alright, my life will come, my life will go. still i feel it's
alright, i just got a letter to my soul. when my whole life is on the tip of my
tongue, empty pages for the no longer young. the apathy of time laughs in my
face, you say that each life has its place"
5. Describe your girlfriend (or boyfriend, or if you don't have one, as in my
case, what you wish they would be or how you would be for/with them):
"so we're ok, we're fine, baby i'm here to stop your crying, chase all the
ghosts from your head, i'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed, smarter
than the tricks played on your heart, we'll look at them together and we'll take
them apart. adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the
power of two."
6. What would you rather be doing:
"tonight i'll be sleeping on a mountain top, i got a billion stars for my
witness"
7. Describe where you live:
"this world falls on me, with hopes of immortality. everywhere i turn all the
beauty just keeps shaking me."
8. Describe how you love:
"we made out love out of dignity, we dug our nails in the dirt. hung out our
towel soaked souls out on the line, we loved so hard that it hurt."
9. Share a few words of wisdom:
"it's alright if you hate that way, hate me cause i'm different, hate me cause
i'm gay. the truth of the matter come around one day, so it's alright."
October 12, 2004 041012_4.
gimme
gimme gimme...or i'll break your face!
i was just thinking today...right before a laid down for a nap this afternoon...
it's amazing...the way the world works.
there are people out there who are so selfish and don't give a shit about
anything or anyone unless it affects them.
they are so self absorbed that they can't see anything beyond their own petty
needs and desires and they think that their opinions not only matter more than
anyone elses, but hold more weight than anyone elses...
and then there are people who only want to try to be good folk, and to work hard
and do for others whatever they can to do make the world a better place.
but it seems that it's the selfish one's that get all the breaks.
or maybe they just take whatever they need or want and the more humble people
aren't that aggressive?
of course i am speaking in generalities...we have all met self important people
and we also know kind people and hopefully, we are the types of people that give
rather than take.
it just irritates me that there seems to be a proliferation of takers out there,
ya know?
and then there are the drama creators...most of the time, they tend to also be
egocentric...which should come as no surprise really.
drama creators are, as the name suggests, people who must create drama wherever
they go. they are the pot stirrers, the instigators, the troublemakers.
not all drama types are troublemakers, but many are.
they set things in motion and then the extricate themselves...only jumping in to
make sure that the whirlwind of drama keeps on spinning without abatement.
basically, they are a pain in the ass...
most of the people i know (including myself) don't do or say anything to stop
the chaos makers until they push us beyond what we can stand...but i think that
people of kindness and humility should start to take a stand and not let these
people create pandimonium.
we should stifle the bedlam before it takes a hold and not continue to allow the
self-seekers to create mayhem wherever they go.
but really, what do i know...i'm just one person with an opinion, right?
and on a more personal note, things are healing nicely. i finally went to the
pak-n-save and bought myself 4 boxes of lime pops (priorities!)
i'm back at work, and my amazing boss is letting me go home whenever i feel like
i need to or can't sit anymore. it's all good.
now, if i could only win the lottery or something like it that would provide me
with lots of cash, everything would be perfect!
October 13, 2004 041013_3.
you will be assimilated lately, (due to reasons
that i'm sure you are all aware) i have been feeling so fat and uncomfortable in
my skin.
althought, i am not sure what to do about it. i've thought about trying to go
back to raw foods...just eating fruits and veggies...
i've thought about finding a diet that i can deal with...
but i can't bear the idea of gaining it all back again (as i always do every
single time)...there has to be a reason for that. it's not that i'm spineless
and have no will power. i've kept weight off for over a year, but we all know
where that led...
i'm just at a loss right now. a complete and total loss.
and i've been craving chocolate...which doesn't help at all
oh, why couldn't i have been born with a perfect body and a fast metabolism?
or why couldn't i have been born an oompa loompa...they are short, stout, and
orange. they live their entire lives around candy and no one gives them a hard
time about it. they even have green hair.
the sing, and wear neat little white overalls with weird poochy legs...the seem
so at peace with themselves.
or possibly better still, why couldn't i have been born a samoan. they're big
and they don't get shit about it either...cause they are supposed to be big.
i'd have a big samoan mother, and a big samoan father...we'd all be big together,
in a samoan sort of way. it could be bliss...
but alas, i am only me...and i have to find some way to like myself and be at
peace with my packaging.
i think i need a girlfriend.
someone who loves me for who i am and wants me to be happy no matter what.
someone i can love for who she is and help her to live her bliss.
i know a certain english girl that i'm quite fond of...but she's also in england...
ugh and ugh.
ya know, sometimes i think about joining a cult...and completely submitting to
their mind control tactics.
then i wouldn't have to think for myself or worry about where i was going to
live and what i was going to do.
i could just go sell flowers at the airport, and sleep on an uncomfortable straw
mat. eat bland small meals and do what i'm told.
too bad that's not really an option.
October 14, 2004 041014_76.
don't cross your eyes kid...they'll get stuck
that way!
i just talked to my ex...she's going to be coming up here to see her sister and
run a 1/2 marathon and wanted to know if i wanted to get coffee or something.
i said sure...i don't have any more weird emotional strings attached to her. i
wouldn't take her back if she begged me...but still, it always makes me feel
like a bit of a failure talking to her.
she's in her last year of law school...which is where i would be too if i hadn't
dropped out.
she's fit and thin and takes care of her body, which i would be too if i hadn't
quit doing yoga and eating healthy.
she's in a committed relationship, which i would be too if she hadn't left me (not
that i want her back AT ALL)
she's seemingly got her shit together, which i don't...
it just makes me feel like the big loser that i am.
i'm not sure why life has to be that way. i was chatting w/ my best friend, and
she said, "when it comes down to it, you get one shot at life and i failed at
mine".
that's exactly how i feel...like i blew it...and that's that.
the messed up thing is that no one tells you when you are living your life, that
the decisions you make when you are younger are the one's that form the
foundation of your entire existence...and if you're a fuck up when you're a kid,
you're setting yourself up to be a fucked up adult.
no one explains that age creeps up very quickly and you get to the point where
you have to live with the decisions you've made. it's too late to change things.
it's like my posture. i have HORRIBLE posture. i have developed a hump on my
back and it's only going to get humpier as i age.
no one told me when i was a little kid to stand up straight...(well, some people
tried to, but my parents never "made me", which they should have)
i'm not blaming anyone for my predicament...i'm just saying...it's kind of a set
up, ya know?
i wish that someone would have grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me and said
that if i didn't pull my head out of my ass and get my act together, then i
would wind up stuck...with my head up my ass permenantly...and that's a shitty
way to live.
i dunno...i just don't.
October 15,
2004 041015_5.
sucks to be them!
i've been so negative lately that i feel the need to write something more
uplifting...more positive...
on the other hand, this IS my diary...where i'm supposed to record my deepest
darkest thoughts and feelings...the fact that it's a public diary just feeds my
weird slightly morbid need for attention and praise...but it's still my diary.
i started keeping a diary when i was about 10. i have it somewhere, in storage...i've
kept one ever since and most of them are filled with page after page of
depressing drivel about how much i dislike myself and how much i wish i could
just die...with an occassional page or two that expresses some weird (probably
drug induced) manic happiness...usually revolving around getting tickets for a
dead show or reporting on the amazing time i had at the show.
i love being able to keep an online diary though. i like the options of adding
links and pictures...it's easier to type rather than write...and i get an
audience.
what more could a girl ask for, right??
attention...bad seque ahead...brace yourself for the jolt
so, anyway....the other day i was watching an hbo "documentary" about the
moonlight bunnyranch brothel.
it was about the womyn who live there and what they do and how much money they
make...
very interesting...basically just a bunch of highly paid "working girls" as
they like to be called, who make about 80 grand a year.
nice work if you can get it i suppose...
they all really seemed to love having sex and there was one particular one (airforce
amy) who masturbated multiple times a day cause she was basically addicted to
having orgasms...which they graciously showed...many times.
the guy who owns the place has sex with the girls there, they all love each
other, the madame has wednesday afternoon tea where they all put on little hats
and have tea and finger sandwiches...after which, they take off the hats and go
fuck strange men.
it's kind of surreal and not a little bit strange.
there were no ugly girls working there. no womyn of color. no fat chicks. it was
pretty homogeneously white, pretty and blonde (with the occassional brunette or
red head).
ah, the life of a well kept sex worker...no cares in the world...
they just have to figure out which outfit to put on in the morning that will get
them the most tricks...line up when a john comes in, smile and look sexy...and
fuck.
and they do everything there...for a thousand bucks you get an hour of whatever
you want to do. ANYTHING!!
i don't know if i could go for that...but hey, they seemed to like it, and it
takes all kinds...so good on them, right?
i'm not sure if what they earn is tax free...but hey, 80 grand'll buy you a lot
of sexy underwear, right?
anyway, i was in my thinking place this morning...just finished washing my hair,
and i was calculating how much money they make every 10 minutes (which comes out
to be about $167 bucks)...
they have to do 2 guys a week for an hour each month to make $104K a year.
if my math is right, that's only 8 hours of work a month!
those girls aren't dumb, i'll tell you what!
after the first 3 months, you've paid off your plastic surgery!
i really have to re-think my approach to money making...does anyone know if
there is a fat girl bunnyranch??
October 16, 2004 041016_49.
good things come in small orange packages it's a
beeeee-u-tiful day today. overcast, cool. everyone is kinda mellow. i love it
when it's like this!
the animals let me sleep in today, i got up took a shower, threw on some clothes
and went to the berkeley farmers market in search of persimmons.
i LOVE berkeley. no judgment, no weirdness...people don't look at you funny.
i also had a premenition that i'd run into LV at the farmers market, and i was
walking through, and lo and behold, there she was!
i waved, she smiled, we both said hi. it was nice.
so, back to the persimmons
i got about 13 of them at the farmers market, and then went to the berkeley bowl
and got about 3 more pounds of them.
of course, none of them are ripe yet..but i've waited all year for 'em, so i can
wait another week...
all in all, life is good!
October 17,
2004 041017_23.
it's not even halloween yet, but this might be the scariest
thing ever! this is downright terrifying!
lookie here
we are basically living in a totalitarian state...which is beyond frightening.
it's going to be very interesting to see what happens if kerry legally wins this
election. if bush doesn't step down quietly, there could be blood in the streets...
ok, maybe i'm overreacting, but maybe i'm not.
whoever in their life would think that 3 women wearing t-shirts that say "protect
our civil liberties" would be accused of wearing obscenities on their shirts
and escorted out of a political function?!?
and why on earth would that be seen as a protest, unless bush knows that he has
erroded our civil liberties to such a point that it bears protesting...
very scary, doncha think?
October 18,
2004 041018_39.
further inanity 1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love
and get married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look
at either.
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or
maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty
sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've
cut off your arms!"
18. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
8:44 am October 19, 2004 041019_32.
a stumble down memory lane - or - origin
of a name
it’s raining today.
hard
i have to say that aside from snow, this is my favorite weather.
hard rain.
so, today, in my thinking place, i was thinking about my screen name, email,
diary name, et. al.
i thought about how some people, when they refer to me, refer to me as Chna Cat,
some as chna, some as chnacat, but no one ever calls me china, or china cat...which
is what the name is a bastardization of.
the origination of the name comes from china cat sunflower, a grateful dead song.
Look for awhile at the China Cat Sunflower
proud-walking jingle in the midnight sun
Copper-dome Bodhi drip a silver kimono
like a crazy-quilt stargown
through a dream night wind
Krazy Kat peeking through a lace bandana
like a one-eyed Cheshire
like a diamond-eye Jack
A leaf of all colors plays
a golden string fiddle
to a double-e waterfall over my back
Comic book colors on a violin river
crying Leonardo words
from out a silk trombone
I rang a silent bell
beneath a shower of pearls
in the eagle wing palace
of the Queen Chinee
i have had the name since i first got internet access back in 1990 or so. it was
chnacat@aol.com. then it was chnacat@workingassets.com. then chnacat@earthlink.net,
and now it’s sbcglobal.net...
i chose chnacat without the “i” because i thought i’d have a better chance of
getting the name...and dave (my ex husband) chose othr one (for the song that’s
it for the other one)
Spanish lady come to me, she lays on me this rose.
It rainbow spirals round and round,
It trembles and explodes
It left a smoking crater of my mind,
I like to blow away.
But the heat came round and busted me
For smilin on a cloudy day
[Chorus]
Comin', comin', comin' around, comin' around, comin' around in a circle
Comin', comin', comin' around, comin' around, in a circle,
Comin', comin', comin' around, comin' around, in a circle.
Escapin' through the lily fields
I came across an empty space
It trembled and exploded
Left a bus stop in its place
The bus came by and I got on
That's when it all began
There was cowboy Neal
At the wheel
Of a bus to never-ever land
he’s still othrone and i’m still chnacat...but that's about all that's the same
from those long ago days.
anyway, i’m not sure what brought on that little bout of nostalgia, but that is
where the name chnacat comes from.
i do miss the dead...and the scene...and traveling around from show to show.
i miss jerry, and the music, and the people...
but i’m glad i’m who i am now...and i know i wouldn’t be that person without
those amazing experiences...so i’m grateful for them.
which leads me (sort of...in a wonky sort of way) to another thought that i had
in the shower this morning...
i usually talk to God (an easier name for what i think of as the Great Energy,
or the Spirit of the Universe) in the shower...i get on my knees and i talk...i
thank "God" for all my blessings...and ask for help with being a good person
and doing good in the world. this morning, i asked for my parents to accept me
at any size and for me to accept me at any size.
which led to the thought of the lesson....what is the lesson this time? what am
i supposed to be learning here?
what is the purpose of my life? i mean, everything happens for a reason. this i
believe very strongly.
so what is the "reason" for where i am now in my life? what am i supposed to
get from this so that i can move on?
i have been SO stuck for SO long...i absolutely must figure out what i am
supposed to glean from this part of my life, get it...and move on.
i don't exactly know how to do that...i mean, i guess i could really pay
attention to what goes on around me and how i feel and how i respond to things...
the lesson might just be that i'm ok. i'm a good person and that people like me,
regardless of my size and regardless of what my parents think about me...
and if that is the lesson...then how do i integrate that within myself, and
really believe it so that i can move on?
there is NOTHING wrong with being fat.
there is NOTHING wrong with not being societally attractive...the "norm"...
if i could really learn to accept and like myself...then i could move forward, i
think...
but how...
7:34 am October 20, 2004 041020_51.
da na na na na na, they say it's yer birthday... today, my dearest peanut, is
your birthday.
and so, in honor of your special day, a star in the galaxy has been named for
you
because you were born today, a tree has been planted in your name
due to the fact that you are on this earth, a peace monument has been erected in
your honor
ok, none of those things, really...just my love and my extreme gratitude that
you are alive and here on this earth and that you are my best friend!
i love you more than words can express! happy birthday to you!
October 21, 2004 041021_3.
black hair and no turkey
well, another day, another day
i dyed my hair black, cause i was tired of the blonde (and orange and pink). i
like it, 'cept now it brings out the dark circles under my eyes more...oh well,
i can't seem to win in some areas.
nothing much happening. there is this big family "push" to get me to bring my
dogs to thanksgiving in grass valley so that i don't have to drive right home
the same day in order to get home to the animals.
it's about a 3 hour drive...and i was planning on leaving early in the morning
and then leaving around 6 or 7 to go home...but no one wants me to do that...they
all want me to stay overnight.
i'm not sure if i'm going to be able to...it's a big pain in the ass taking the
dogs in the car for that long...not to mention it freaks them out a lot. and
then they'd have to be stuck in a dog run all day, which is going to make me
uncomfortable (cause they'll be whining and barking) which will make me want to
be outside with them instead of inside with my family...
and then there's the sleeping part...i'd sleep with them in the garage cause
they're not allowed in the house, and i'll have to be hyper aware so that they
don't pee on anything out there...
or i'd sleep with them in some hotel/motel that allows dogs and it'd be the same
thing...
i'm just not sure that i want to deal with all of that...frankly...
and i'm equally not sure that i want to spend time w/ my mom and dad after what
happened the last time i saw them. i don't know if i have the mental fortitude
that it takes to stand up to their criticisms and snide comments about my weight.
really, there's nothing more enjoyable that sharing a meal with people who think
you are fat, knowing that they are watching everything you put in your mouth and
knowing that they'll be sure to comment on it.
i can't think of a more fun time, to tell you the truth...
so, yeah, you can see my predicament.
i'd really rather just stay home on thanksgiving and pretend like it's any other
day...which is the same thing i'm probably going to do for christmas...joy of
joys.
i'm beginning to really hate this time of year. all the holidays and such.
i do, however, LOVE the weather! it's supposed to rain some more over the
weekend and there is supposedly a big storm coming next week! hoo-rah!
and on another completely unrelated note...i seem to have completely lost my
readership...
either that, or no one feels like leaving me comments anymore. i guess after the
cancer scare, there's not much to say...
but if you're out there, be sure to drop in and say hi. it gives me oh such a
smile!
October 22, 2004 041022_89.
ick,
yuck, filth, disgusting....
i have come to the conclusion that i live like a slob.
my apartment is a freaking disaster! dirty clothes on the floor of the bathroom,
dishes in the kitchen sink...dirt and pet hair everywhere!
i'm a scallywag...a ne'er do-well...i live in a pig sty.
it's a wonder that there isn't a cloud of dirt following me around ala pigpen
all that hard work that my mother did cleaning my place was for naught...only
the occasional faint, vaporous whisp of pine scented cleaner creeps into my
nostrils at odd hours of the day and night...as though i'm being haunted by the
ghost of mister clean (who is being channeled through my mother of course)
i'm filled with shame that i let it get so filthy (not really, but it makes for
better copy, no?)
i'm not sure why i let it get this bad...i mean, i clean up after the animlas,
the accidents (or "on-purposes" as i suspect they really are), the occasional
hairball, the incessant dog hair. i wipe up the counter where the cats eat...but
the real nitty gritty (and i DO mean gritty)...that's where the problem lies.
i guess if i just swept the floor every day, and mopped the kitchen before bed...picked
up my clothes...and put the dishes in the dishwasher (yes, i know, i have a
freakin' dishwasher! why are there dishes in the sink you ask??? cause the
dishwasher is full of clean one's that i have yet to put away)
i guess if i just did those little things, i'd be living in a clean house...but
alas, i'm a lazy mo' fo'...what else can i say?
i'll probably make an attempt at cleaning it this weekend...at least until i get
bored and or tired.
if anyone wants to come over and help me...just say the word!
and on an unrelated note (or perhaps it is related in terms of cleaning up our
election system...i'm not sure)...
go here to sign a pledge of action to stop a(nother) stolen election!
October 25, 2004 041025_55.
what if....what
is....and why not?!
life is strange, doncha think?
i mean, we spend these day...punctuated by times of boredom, and phases of
excitement, periods of sadness, and numbness, stages of wealth and segments of
poverty, and yet, time marches on....
one would think that one would learn how to manage the ever changing tides of
life...how to ride out each wave with expert wave riding efficiency, knowing
that another wave is right behind it bringing something new and different...(or
in my case, more of the same)
one might even look forward to the ever changing landscape (or seascape as it
were). one might have one’s own special way of dealing with the rise and fall...the
ebb and flow...one might
so, how come it’s so hard for some people, and seemingly so effortless for
others?
how come some folks seem to surf quite nicely through things and reap the
benefits of extreme good fortune, while others are mired in the muck and goo of
life’s crap sandwich?
what gives, i say?!
who decides who makes it through relatively unscathed and who comes out battered
and bruised?
who do i have to pay around here to get a sweeter deal?
it’s not like i walk around all the time “little nelly negative”...i try to keep
my chins up. i try to be positive and friendly. in fact, most of the time, i
succeed fairly well.
i’m a good person. i pay my taxes....i don’t litter...only I can prevent forest
fires...and i try, really, i try!
so maybe i did something creepy in a past life...or maybe i’m just one of the
chosen few who get to wallow in the shit. who knows.
but if i could have three wishes...
well, i’d wish for more wishes...
and then i’d wish for the following:
financial solvency
a loving partner
a naturally slim and healthy body
and freedom from the occasional acne breakout
not much...really....i’m a simple person with simple needs and desires...
ok, it’s off the pity pot and back to work!
October 26, 2004 041026_56.
it was amazing, great, the best thing since
toast...and then...poof...all gone!
i’m bored
i just wrote this incredible entry about how bored i am...and then i closed word
and lost it...cause i’m a dumb ass!
it’s a serious bummer too, cause it was a great entry. possibly the greatest
entry ever written!
i wrote about how i’m bored with my life, my job, my car, my furniture, my
animals, myself...
about how i’d like to leave everything behind and go someplace exotic to start
completely over...even changing my name...but realized that i’d probably get
bored with that too...
i pondered about what people who live to be 90 do...and if they suddenly at some
point experience a renaissance in their lives...if they fall back in love with
their existence or if they just continue to get more and more bored until one
day, they are 90.
i speculated that i probably won’t see 90 due to the fact that my grandma’s didn’t
live much past 78 or 82 and that both my grandpa’s died in their late 50’s.
i pontificated about how i’ll probably be taking the ëole dirt nap around the
time i’m 75 or so because of my family history, unless i get fed up with it all
and OD on something....or get hit by a bus.
it was a fuckin’ great entry! i’m telling you. nothing like this piece of crap
excuse for a diary log...in fact, you probably shouldn’t even be reading this
piece of garbage...i apologize profusely!
there was a part where i hypothesized about how great it would be to have some
kind of memory problem, like the guy in memento (then realizing that the “guy”
in memento was actually named “guy” and asking for forgiveness for the bad pun),
who tattooed himself with all the things he needed to remember and how cool that
would be cause it would also satisfy my need for new ink on my body as well as
not remembering how bored i am.
i started to explain about how i understood that alzheimer’s is a horrible
malady and leaves people and families in shambles...but it might not be too bad
to not remember anything day by day...as long as you knew that you were ok and
safe...then everything could be a new adventure and that boredom would never
ensue.
then i tried to back pedal a little bit, stating that losing your memory is a
sad thing and not really the answer to a bad case of ennui...and that i wasn’t
making light of people w/ alzheimer’s or the horror that their families have to
endure.
the entry was stupefyingly fantabulous...i tell you! it was so good that my faux
pas about mentioning that alzheimer’s might not be a bad thing didn’t come off
like the bone headed remark that it is in this shitty substitute entry...
in fact, it makes this entry look like the writing of a deranged and twisted
toddler who is just learning to put words together to form sentences. honestly,
i don’t know why you are wasting your time here....
there was excitement, and it was engaging...it was great! the best piece of
writing that has ever come from my brain...all lost to a moronic move...which
should be a lesson to always make sure that word is auto saving...but alas...it
is a lesson learned too late, cause now you are stuck with this ghastly dreadful
rationalization.
please don’t hold it against me...i’m really sorry!
and bored...
October 27, 2004 041027_94.
sucks to be me....NOT!
in the town where i was born,
lived a man who sailed the seas
and he lived beneath the waves
in a yellow submarine.
sometimes i wish my life was a song...then it would be whimsical and light.
basically, i’m just rambling...filling up space...taking up time. i don’t have
much to say.
i would love to regale you with tales of my fascinating life and the daily
trials and tribulations of my existence, but alas...there’s nothing new to
report...
so
i’ll make stuff up!
for your reading pleasure, the completely fictional and entirely exciting “day
in the life of me”
so, yesterday, after work, as i was driving my lear jet out of the parking lot
and preparing to taxi for takeoff, i realized that i had left my solid gold,
diamond encrusted cell phone in the executive washroom.
being extremely important (seeing as i was expecting a call from j-lo regarding
relationship advice), i left the lear idling in the parking lot, and sent my man-servant
up for my phone.
while i was waiting for jeeves to return with my phone, it started to drizzle...so
i enabled the automatic tenting system available in this years model of lear
which quickly and quietly erected a tent over the plan and myself. this aroused
the interest of a near by pedestrian who came over to take a look.
after some idle chit chat, we realized that we had gone to high school together
and the stranger was actually my long lost roommate from boarding school!
we decided to fly to paris to celebrate our finding each other again and dined
on a sumptuous meal at the foot of the eiffel tower.
in the middle of dinner, i realized that i had flown away before jeeves brought
me back my phone, so i used my friend’s phone to ring j-lo and apologize for
missing her call. she was cool with it and we set up a time for a raincheck.
my friend and i flew back to the parking lot at my office (where jeeves was
waiting patiently with my phone)....i dropped off my friend, and then flew home
to my waiting and perfectly behaved animals, who had cleaned the whole house and
done the laundry in my absence.
after a long and tiring day of fun and adventure...i crawled into my lush and
extra-comfy bed and was sung to sleep by paul mccartney who sang me the entire
beatles catalog accompanied by acoustic guitar.
the end.
1:35 pm October 29, 2004 041029_76.
mish mash, me oh my...
i am definitely my own worst enemy.
that being said, i do like to hang out with myself. i know i’m not good for me,
but i’m fun...so generally, i throw caution to the wind and just do it.
today, i’m supposed to go to lunch with some people at work. we’re going to
chevy’s . i’m feeling particularly bulbous lately...and uncomfortable in my skin
and clothing...so it’ll be interesting to eat with other people...i know that
sounds weird, but i’m a very solitary eater...i don’t like it when other people
watch me eat.
not that they are going to be watching me...but you know what i mean.
i’m always hyper aware of what i order or what other people will think about
what i order...which means i’ll most likely get a salad and i’ll probably fill
up on chips anyway, so that’ll be fine.
ok, back from lunch. i had a salad...but it was nice. a fun time was had by all.
i know, i know, not that exciting, but what can i say...
one of the things that i’m sort of pondering is whether or not to get candy for
trick or treaters...
the dilemma is this... a) i don’t know if kids actually trick or treat in my
neighborhood, and b) the dogs are going to flip out every time someone knocks on
the door and it’s going to be difficult to hold expo and java while passing out
candy, not to mention that as a general rule, the kids on my street are afraid
of the dogs...when they are barking and lunging at them in a hungry fashion.
if i had my druthers, i’d turn off all my lights and not answer the door...however,
the porch light is one of those motion sensor one’s so there’s no avoiding the
kid’s thinking that someone’s home...cause the lights’ll come on all automatic-like
and then there is the question of dressing up for work tomorrow.
i don’t have a costume...so that kind of puts a damper on things...but i could
go to the costume store on the way home from work today.
i’m just not sure i want to go to the trouble or expense...
and, i haven’t been sleeping very well lately...so i’m VERY tired and don’t
really want to go to the costume shop on the way home, i’d rather just go home
and take a nap...
so, i guess i just answered my own question now didn’t i?
ok, it’s now friday, i didn’t dress up, and i’m at work...
carry on
so, here i am on friday, at the end of the day. i haven’t been updating as
frequently as usual because it’s the end of the month AND the quarter, and i
wasn’t sure i’d make my quota...so i’ve been a little stressed and busy at work.
but, thank the good lordy, i made it...so i can relax till the end of next
quarter...
that being said, i have nothing further to say.
happy halloween one and all!!!
November
01, 2004 041101_58.
boo to my homeys!
just as an aside...i miss my best friend!!
halloween 2004.
very interesting. it was halloween in the hood. for real.
you see, i live in a very, well, urban neighborhood. i am one of a very small
handful of white caucasian people who live on my street. the neighborhood is
mostly families of color.
so, naturally, all the trick or treaters that we had last night were people of
color. not just children. teenagers, adults, you name it, they stopped for candy.
and only about 50% of them were dressed up.
i sat on my porch with my two neighbors (we are of the extreme minority...white,
womyn who are lesbians) and passed out candy.
now, my first thoughts were, “no costume, no candy” which is how it was when i
was a kid....
but, realizing that some of these kids come from very poor homes or families
with little or no parent involvement, i quickly threw that “rule” out the window.
my second thoughts were, not a kid, no candy
but how do you say no to some grown man with a pillow case asking for a tiny
snack sized candy bar...i mean, really, how important is it to make an issue
over a piece of candy....so that “rule” also flew out the proverbial window as
well.
it was fascinating, really. there were only a handful of people handing out
candy on our street...us, and two houses directly across the street from us...
kids would come sporadically in little groups accompanied by a few grown ups,
straggling teens...and cars full...yes, i said cars full...
cars would pull up, stop in the middle of the street, off load a bunch of kids,
the kids would make the rounds at the three houses, and then all get back in the
car and go to their next destination.
not trick or treating as i remember it...but hey, differences...that’s what
makes the world go round, right?
and i also noticed that the kids were very timid...they wouldn’t approach us
until we said, “hey, come on over”...and then they’d say, “you have candy?”...to
which we’d reply, “yeah”...and they would shyly come over and stick out their
bags (which were usually just plastic grocery bags).
i’m not sure if it was cause we were white...cause they didn’t seem to do that w/
the people across the street....
there was once “incident” when my neighbor’s dog came running out of the house “at”
the group of people on the sidewalk.
now, chloe is a big black lab, and she’s very friendly...but they all started
backing away and screaming and yelling, so chloe started after them....it was
momentary chaos.
my neighbor got her dog, and then they didn’t want our candy...and the
patriarchal figure of the group started yelling at us and saying “holy shit,
holy shit, holy shit”...
so, we approached them with our candy and gave them some...the (only) kid in the
group was dressed as a football player and kept grabbing into my candy bowl
taking handfuls of candy...till i stopped him.
the whole thing was kind of surreal.
however, the rest of the night went without further strange occurrences and it
was generally pretty pleasant.
i ran out of candy and finally went inside around 8:00...which was nice, cause
it was still early.
in all, it was an interesting experience. nothing like halloween in the
sheltered and protected housing developments of orange county.
halloween in the hood...indeed!
November 02, 2004 041102_79.
the
way of the peaceful, frightened, lonely warrior
i have decided to take up the practice of Ahimsa.
from
the divine life society home page we learn that,
“Ahimsa or non-injury, of course, implies non-killing. But, non-injury is not
merely non-killing. In its comprehensive meaning, Ahimsa or non-injury means
entire abstinence from causing any pain or harm whatsoever to any living
creature, either by thought, word, or deed. Non-injury requires a harmless mind,
mouth, and hand. Ahimsa is not mere negative non-injury. It is positive, cosmic
love. It is the development of a mental attitude in which hatred is replaced by
love. Ahimsa is true sacrifice. Ahimsa is forgiveness. Ahimsa is Sakti (power).
Ahimsa is true strength.”
the teaching is that first a person learns to quiet her physical body to
responses of hatred and vengance. a person must learn to turn the other cheek
and not react violently or in anger to anything. once this is accomplished, then
the person begins to control her speech.
she must make a serious commitment,
“"I will not speak any harsh word to anybody from today". You may fail a
hundred times. What does it matter ? You will slowly gain strength. Check the
impulse of speech. Observe Mouna (silence). Practice Kshama or forgiveness. Say
within yourself: "He is a baby-soul. He is ignorant, that is why he has done it.
Let me excuse him this time. What do I gain by abusing him in return ?" Slowly
give up Abhimana (ego-centred attachment). Abhimana is the root-cause of human
sufferings.”,
after the speech is under control, one must learn to have power over the mind.
never think of harming anyone (physically, mentally, or emotionally),
“One Self dwells in all. All are manifestations of One God. By injuring another,
you injure your own Self. By serving another, you serve your own Self. Love all.
Serve all. Hate none. Insult none. Injure none in thought, word and deed. Try to
behold your own Self in all beings. This will promote Ahimsa.”
i think i’m going to make a go of it. i’d like to transform my entire self in to
a person of conscious and consciousness. i’d like to start taking better care of
myself and nurturing my body and mind instead of constantly beating myself down
and wishing i were someone else or worse, dead.
i know that it’s going to take a while, but it IS time...i’m ready for the
change and it’s necessary if i want to stay on this planet in any meaningful way.
i’m tired of being tired, and now i feel ready to take some baby steps and start
doing something about it.
wish me luck!
ahimsa
November 03, 2004 041103_97.
not again! please, not again!!
i am sick to my stomach.
the way this election turned out, with what looks like bush for another term,
more of the same of his insane take on leadership. more war, more tax breaks for
the rich, more rhetoric spewing from his angry little mouth.
11 states voted to ban gay marriage, which in essence defines marriage as only
between 1 man and 1 woman. most of the states that passed those amendments to
the constitution still recognize common law marriages, but not domestic
partnerships or gay marriages from other states.
these states include: arkansas, georgia, kentucky, michigan, mississippi,
montana, north dakota, ohio, oklahoma, oregon, utah.
what’s next, a ban on homosexuality in general? are they going to start locking
us up? what is going on in this country??
i feel like we are going backwards!
and for the life of me, i can’t find an accurate counting of the electoral votes.
as of 8:15 am california time, on msnbc.com, it's 238 to 269 with going to bush,
wi, ia, nm, nh, and nev still undecided. on cnn.com it's 254 to 252 with ohio as
too close to call, nm and ia still undecided.
and some people are saying it’s over, that bush won...kerry should concede the
election
and some are saying it’s not over, all the votes haven’t been counted yet...
either way, i have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...i have a feeling
that something terrible is coming and there’s nothing i can do to stop it.
additional comments added at 10:00 am
i cannot believe that it's over.
literally...i'm in a state of shock i think...
is it actually possible that this nightmare isn't over yet? and that we have
four more years of ever increasing terror and sadness??
i have no other words...
November 04,
2004 041104_85.
oh the places we'll go!
do you ever feel like change is on the horizon? like it's just beyond your grasp,
but you know it's moving toward you, so it's only a matter of time before you
feel it?
i know i've felt it before, and it always preceded monumental upheavals in my
life (good one's most of the time).
i know it's necessary, and i know i've been waiting a long time for it. i just
don't know what form it will take or what it will mean.
i think about past times in my life, when i thought i had my shit together, and
in reality, i pretty much did.
i was in school, i was healthy and strong, i was fit and thin, i was moving
forward...
and then, for some reason, i got completely derailed and everything came to a
crashing halt...for NO apparant reason.
i backslid about 6 years and although many of my issues are different now, many
of them are the same...which means that i never really fixed them to begin with.
at any rate, something is coming. i can feel it. and slowly, i think i'm getting
ready to make great changes in my life, although i have no earthly freakin' clue
as to what those changes might be.
it's a weird place to be...on the precipice of a new journey, about to take that
first step...and not knowing where the journey will lead, what it's about, or in
which direction i will go.
my foot is raised, ready to start, but i don't know when or where i will put it
down to make that initial move.
i just know, like i know i am sitting here typing this, that something is about
to begin.
November 04, 2004 041104_9.
heaven help us all!
this is what people in other countries think of us...(from the london daily
mirror)
make's ya proud to me and amer'can, don't it?
November 05, 2004 041105_69.
a little bit of this and a little bit of the
same old shit.
there’s this “guy”...his name is john titor and he claims to be a time traveler.
he also claims that there will be another civil war in this country, and many
people are using that as a sort of a litmus test to prove whether or not this
guy is for real.
if there is a war, he’s legit, if not, he’s a nutcase.
either way, he’s probably a nut case....
i mean, the guy might just be some crack pot with too much time on his hands who
is extrapolating from the current state of things that a civil war is eminent....and
the way things are going, i’m not exactly loathe to give some credence to the
crackpots of the world.
an impending civil war in this country feels more feasible now than it ever has....there
is much division between groups of people with their ideas and morality
seemingly at polar opposites.
i know it sounds crazy and not a just a little bit paranoid, but i actually fear
for my safety and my civil and basic human rights as a lesbian womyn.
gay and lesbian rights are slowly being undermined and eroded. we, as womyn, run
the extremely likely risk that we will lose our right to chose what we do with
our own bodies. there seems to be a bad moon rising (apologies to credence
clearwater revival).
i used to have this fear...well, it wasn’t really a fear as much as it was an
unfounded certainty, that i wouldn’t live to see the age of 25.
now, this was clearly teen doomsday angst, because i’ve seen 25, and although it
wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be, it was a pretty good time.
now i’m pushing 38, and probably not soon to be pushing up daisies...but that
same feeling of doom has come over me...that feeling that i’m not going to live
a long and prosperous life, but that something bad is going to happen before the
final countdown...i’m sure it’s just because of all the fear and unknown that
has accompanied the debacle...i mean, election. but i feel it nonetheless.
i also know that it’s probably not that bad...we all somehow managed to survive
his first term as “idiot in chief” and we’ll probably survive his second.
that is, if he doesn’t fuck things up too badly...(so much for ahimsa...)
so, on a completely different topic...
when i was in high school, i attempted suicide.
ok, a little background...
i went to boarding school, or rather, i was sent to boarding school in colorado
springs, about 1095 miles from my home.
after my first year there, i came home to all of my friends, and a porsche 914
in the garage (my parents felt guilty about sending me away). some of my closer
friends weren’t friends with me anymore (my best friend in particular) because i
she didn’t like the crowd i had started hanging out with prior to being sent
away.
i drove that car all summer, and then i crashed it, totaled it, and was sent
back to school. needless to say, i was devastated.
that second year at school, i fell into a deep depression...about being sent
away, about losing the car, about losing my friends, about being extricated from
my family, etc.
the depression worsened until i was entertaining thoughts of suicide and
planning on slitting my wrists.
i would play with knives, and razors, and scissors...i never really cut myself
very deep though.
my dad claims that i wasn’t really attempting suicide, just crying for help...but
my contention is that i wanted to die...and even though my cuts weren’t deep, i
wanted out.
so, my therapist and advisor called my parents and told them to come get me. (without
my knowledge of course).
they took me out of the dorm and had me spend the night at my therapist’s house,
so they could keep a close eye on me and the next day, my dad was there to take
me home.
i had to go home and have intense therapy for a month (with my brother’s shrink,
who tried to overmedicate me, but that’s another story for another time).
so anyway, the point of my story is that when i was at my therapist’s house that
night, i remember feeling more depressed and desperate than i had ever felt
before. and scared...and alone.
and last night, while i was laying in bed about to go to sleep, that feeling
came back to me, washed over me like a wave...and i just started to cry.
i will freely admit to you that i do now entertain thoughts of suicide.
i wouldn’t do it, because of my animals...but i still want out. i feel trapped
under this heavy, dark “thing” (for lack of a better word) and it feels
inescapable.
i know that i said i feel on the verge of a change, and i do...but this pall of
depression has never really left me...it’s always been there, even when i “had
my shit together”...
it’s like a part of me.
and granted, when things were good, i didn’t think about offing myself as much
as i do now...but i still thought about it every once in a while.
i have this sense that i am just a big disappointment to everyone around me who
loves me, and that i won’t amount to anything, no matter how long i live or how
hard i try. in fact, i feel now like i’ve almost given up on trying to do
something constructive with my life...
usually, i just ignore the underlying constant current of sadness and try to put
on a happy face...i think that’s why i spend so much time alone...cause it’s
exhausting, trying to seem “ok” all the time. and my facade is slipping too...cause
people at work are starting to notice that i “just haven’t been my cheery self
lately”.
i’m not sure the point of all this tired rambling, i think i just have to get it
all out of my head (or at least try to) and be honest with myself about how i
really feel....
doomed to failure
November 08, 2004
041108_27.
it's a corn dog stupid!
at work. nothing new to report.
i went to the green festival with the filmmaker on sunday. it was fun. we walked
around and looked at all the eco-friendly shit and got lots of free samples.
it made me feel sad for what i used to be and how healthy i was when i was a
vegan, yoga practicing, size 6 wearing, green type.
now i'm a gas guzzling, meat eating, size 22 wearing, exercise avoiding blob
type and i hate myself.
i noticed that there were not a lot of fat green's...most of them were pretty
fit looking and all grainy and granola like.
i won't lie to you, i was jealous!...i want my old self back. i just don't know
how to get it...
it was nice to go out though...and to laugh. the filmmaker and i always laugh a
lot when we go out to play.
it helped get me out of my head, which was good.
they had a food court at the green festival...and i got a corn "dog"...(it was
really a tofu dog, but it was still quite yummy).
some guy stopped me and said, "hey, where did you get that?" so i pointed in
the direction...and then he said, "what is it?"...
ok, duh! it's a corn dog...
i wanted to say, "it's an ice cream cone, what does it look like!", but in the
spirit of ahimsa, i didn't.
we wound up walking around for a couple of hours...and then walked back to the
BART station (which was a good 5 or 6 blocks away) and went home.
i was tired afterwards, and my feet hurt like the dickens (whatever the hell
that means...i mean, have you ever felt the dickens? and for that matter, have
you ever even seen or met the dickens or asked the dickens what it feels like in
the first place??) and i spent the rest of the day laying around w/ the doggies.
and now, here i am at work. with nothing new to report.
it's amazing how things work out like that.
November 09, 2004 041109_36.
buh-bye!
today would have been my brother's 32nd birthday. happy birthday kevin. happy
birthday
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a
bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you.
California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States
with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, and the
urban half of Ohio.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost
everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California.
In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30
pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in
their states by then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood.
In addition, we’re getting San Diego. Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God
is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay
marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States
citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just ask your
evangelical voters.
They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no
purpose. And they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their kids’ caskets
coming home.
So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and
stem cell research. (We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands,
though. She IS from the south, right?)
Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows
because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get...well,
why don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining?
(Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)
We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you
find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.
Sincerely, California
and
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your President,
thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of
the revocation of your independence effective as of Monday 8Th November 2004.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she doesn't much
fancy.
Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P., for the 97.85% of you
unaware of the outside world, will appoint a Minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any of
you noticed.
To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. All citizens are to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
While there, check the pronunciation guide for "aluminium" - this may be
surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. Learn to distinguish British and Australian accents. It's not difficult.
4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as good
guys.
5. Re-learn your original anthem, "God Save the Queen". Please ensure that you
have complied with the first law before attempting this.
6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of "football".
What you refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you
aware of a world outside of your borders may have noticed that no-one else plays
it. Play proper football instead; to start with get the girls to help you - it
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, eventually, be allowed to
play rugby, which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies.
7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde. The
97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves lucky - the
Russians have never really been bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new national
holiday.
9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; it's for your own good. When
we show you German cars you'll understand.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
November 09, 2004 041109_32.
more political drivel
this is priceless
aparently, this was filmed when good old W was still governor...but is it a hint
of things to come? i should like to think so!
i found it (and lots of other groovy political humor here)
i'm sorry for all the political entries of late...but i'm still relatively
pissed off and depressed about the farce that they are calling the election.
it's sort of pervasive, in terms of information...so it's hard to avoid...and we
probably shouldn't avoid it or ignore it because we have to do something to
change it. things can't continue in this vein...or we're all doomed...and i don't
think i'm being melodramatic...i think i'm being realistic.
and here is the concession speech kerry should have given...
face it folks...we're in trouble. so we'd better start solidifying our action
plan, ya know?
November 10, 2004 041110_84.
didn't
know i was unamerican
November 11, 2004 041111_81.
to pee,
or not to pee...that is the question
today, i am dizzy. i'm not sure why, but every time i stand up, i feel like i'm
going to toss my taco's and fall over...
i'm gonna eat a cliff bar and hopefully the dizziness will go away...i hate
being dizzy.
i'm not sure why i think eating something will make it go away, but i'm hoping
that it does.
today is my cousin's birthday, so i'd like to take this opportunity to wish her
a very happy birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDDAY DEAR COUSIN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
AND MANY MORE, ON CHANNEL FOUR,
DON'T FORGET TO SHUT THE DOOR,
AND PLEASE DON'T SNORE!!
well, that being said, i don't have much more to report.
it's raining, my favorite kind of weather...and so, because the dogs don't like
to get wet (java specifically), i live in the house of pee.
i wish there was some magic way to turn pee into something good...ala water into
wine.
maybe i could turn pee into cash, that would be good...and then, when i got home,
there would be little piles of money on the floor...the only problem would be
when they peed on something absorbent...then, when the pee turned into money,
the money would be embedded in whatever they peed on.
i'd have sheets with money sticking through them, or dollar bills half inside
and half outside my couch cushions.
that would be no bueno...
it would have to be a discretionary thing...the ability to turn pee into money.
i'd turn the free standing pee into financial gain, and i'd have to turn the
soaked in pee into something innocuous and ineffective, like water, or the
democratic process or something...
i'm going to have to bone up on my magic skills...perhaps someone will loan me a
book of spells or something?
or maybe i just watch too much charmed and my sense of reality is so distorted
that i actually believe in the power of three?
1:22 pm November 12, 2004 041112_81.
justice at last! finally...justice at
last!
i was actually convinced that he would wind up getting off...considering the
fact that it seems justice and common sense have taken a giant leap...
but this just proves that there still is some sanity in the world.
November 15, 2004 041115_4.
more drivel...more sadness...more wallowing in
my own self pity
i’m lonely.
and i’m socially phobic...
not a good combination.
my neighbors had a party yesterday, and they invited me...and i was too scared
to go. even though it was less than 15 yards from my own house...
and i felt bad about not going. not just cause i could hear everyone partying
and having a good time...but because they invited me...and i just didn’t go. i
made up some lame excuse about not feeling well and then i ate myself sick and
went to bed.
then i laid in my bed feeling socially inept and fat and feeling like i wanted
to barf...which i didn’t
it’s funny...when i have the inner fortitude, i’m a good dieter. i can lose
weight with the best of them...(of course, i always end up gaining it back, but
that’s another entry)...but i’ve never been able to barf. i mean, i could barf
when i was sick, but i’ve never been able to purge food in that manner.
i don’t know what that says about me. some people would call me lucky because i
physically couldn’t make myself hurl...and thereby saved myself from the hell of
bulimia....i’m not sure if i agree or disagree...it’s just the way it is.
sometimes i wish i could though....then i could at least feel some immediate
relief from that sick feeling...
i don’t usually eat until i’m sick. it’s been a long time since i’ve done that.
but lately, it’s been par for the course.
another interesting turn of the wheel...i got an instant message from someone
who saw me on planet out...
now, that in and of itself isn’t very interesting....but i felt the incredible
need to go to my planet out profile to make sure that it doesn’t mislead anyone,
cause the pictures i have up there are old and i’m really thin and somewhat cute...
i wanted to make sure that it accurately stated my weight and that somewhere in
the description it said that i’m a fat girl...because i’m pretty sure that if
people know that, then they’ll stay away...
which completely contradicts my first statement, i know...but i also know that
no one wants to be friends w/ the fat ugly girl...so if i set my expectations
properly, then i won’t be disappointed
i know, i’m all fucked up in my head. i feel murky headed and muddled. i don’t
feel like i can make sense of anything and i feel trapped in this fog of despair.
(how princess-bride-like, no? the fog of despair)
i don’t know what to do to get out of it either. i’m surrounded by fear and self
doubt...and most of all, i detest myself. vehemently hate myself...wish i were
dead.
i swear, thank God for my animals...cause i wouldn’t leave them with no one to
take care of them. i wish i could just go home and be with them....but alas, i
have to bring home the bacon (and kibble and cat litter)
i just keep doing what i’m supposed to do...getting up, coming to work...i guess
i’ll just keep doing it until i can’t anymore.
November 16, 2004 041116_60.
on the
happy occassion of my mother's birth, i give you, the happy birthday story
so, today is my mother's birthday.
i called her this morning...and she said that she hoped i wouldn't be depressed
on her birthday...so i said, "ok"
i called her up to wish her a happy birthday and what does she do? she tells me
that she wants 5 minutes to tell me everything that she's "feeling".
i said, "is it going to make me feel bad or hurt my feelings?"
"well, it's my birthday", she says...
"fine", i say...
so she goes on to tell me that it breaks her heart to see me so depressed and
fat and that it must be something in my life that i'm not doing to take care of
myself that has me in this situation and if i'd only get out and join a theater
group or take the dogs for a walk, then my life would be better and i'd be happy,
which would make her happy.
and i asked her if she was done...after she rambled on for about 2 minutes or so
and she asked me if it had been 5 minutes...so i said, "it's your birthday..."
and she continued on about how it upsets her so much to see me so upset and that
it must be my fault...
so i told her that i wasn't doing any of this on purpose and that i didn't know
how to change it...at which point she suggested therapy...(which is probably a
good idea) but i can't afford it...so she said i should try to go through my
insurance...
she doesn't get it that i'm stuck and i don't know how to get out of this...i
feel like i'm at the bottom of a very deep hole...and i can no longer see the
top of it. she doesn't understand that if i knew what to do and was able to do
it, then i'd do it.
so now, i'm at work, and i'm crying...and all i wanted to do was call her up and
say happy birthday.
so, happy birthday mom. happy fucking birthday...
and this is how i feel
November 17, 2004 041117_93.
the
truth is sometimes hard to take
there are great mysteries in the world today. things that we “regular folks”
aren’t supposed to know about.
things that, if we knew, would possibly cause us to lose our minds, or flee the
country.
for example, the truth about the kennedy assassination...or what really happened
at roswell. there are other little tidbits of knowledge that we aren’t even
aware of yet. but something will get “leaked” and rumors will start. it’s
inevitable...
one way that information is disseminated is through subliminal advertising on
the television. little mini-seconds of images spliced between frames of our
favorite sit-com with pieces of truth embedded in them...the media is
controlling our thinking. especially our dreams.
one little known fact is that people who send you spam are actually trying to
tell you something. they are trying to let you in on some of life’s little
secrets...but they have to do it in code. they are highly trained subversives
who, if caught, would suffer punishment and torture beyond anything a sane
person could imagine.
one of the messages that i got recently is:
decafinated suzerainty , which my best friend decoded as, “some sort of message
about lightening up on your need for certainty”
other secret messages include:
you have the biggest ferdinand
looking for the perfect teddy bear polka
on the other three
be useful for the long-term treatment of significant obesity inborn
uncle sam is visiting your home
(which could be a highly valuable piece of information, casue if someone’s
coming over, i’m going to have to clean up and get some cake)
and the kicker of them all...the highy encoded
Re:ÃÓ˘”‡ˇ ˝”„ˡ ‚ÓÔÂÈÒ’Ó„Ó Á‚Û’‡
i’m not sure what they all mean yet. i haven’t been able to crack the codes...i’m
pretty sure that some of the messages point to clues about the end of the world
and the fact that professional football is fixed...but it’ll take some more
research on my part before i can be certain.
one thing i do know for sure is that elvis is indeed alive and well and living
in the southwestern part of newfoundland with his gay lover, their adopted son,
and 42 cats.
this i “found out” by watching fear factor with the television turned upside
down and the volume off.
i know this is a lot to take in. i know it can feel overwhelming...but don’t
fear...it’s all good...and once we get used to the “truth”, we’ll all be able to
go back to being our complacent selves again.
November 18, 2004 041118_18.
the journey back from the edge of sadness
yesterday, while sitting here feeling like shit, i suddenly found the urge or
will or whatever you want to call it, to start eating more healthy.
i’ve been feeling like garbage and nothing tastes good or looks good. food in
general (i’m talking about fast food, the crap i had in my house, chips, take-out,
whatever i’ve been eating) makes me sick to my stomach and gives me gastro-intestinal
problems (ya know what i mean)...
so yesterday, i was sitting here, and all of a sudden, i got inspired, motivated...and
so i decided to take action.
last night, i went to the berkeley bowl and bought fresh organic bananas,
persimmons, apples, pears, strawberries, cucumbers, spinach, meyer lemons, raw
almonds, walnuts, sesame seeds, cottage cheese, brown rice, and tea.
i came home and emptied my fridge and cupboard and put all the crap food in a
bag to take to work (i put it on a table in the lunch room w/ a sign that says “free
food”).
for the first time, i feel energized and hopeful. i feel like i’m not going to
be stuck being this fat uncomfortable blob forever. i feel lighter and freer. it’s
a good feeling.
i haven’t made any “decisions” about how i’m going to eat or what i’m going to
eat...i just bought what sounded and looked good to me and i plan to eat with
the same criteria.
i also “decided” that i’m not going to worry about trying to exercise or
anything like that, and when my body feels better, hopefully, i’ll be more
inspired to move it. right now, it just hurts all the time and the thought of
trying to walk or run or do yoga makes me shudder.
baby steps...
November 19, 2004 041119_92.
just
in case you were wondering....
I am a Hippy
Which America Hating Minority Are You?
Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons
November 21, 2004 041121_9.
you'd
never have to leave your house!
i had this idea this morning...i was listening to "headliners and legends" on
tv in the other room while i was cleaning the hotels (cat boxes) and i heard my
neighbor's tv out the window.
she was watching the same show.
so, that led me to thinking about how if we're gonna be watching the same show,
shouldn't we be doing it together? or at least have the option of doing so?
and how watching tv together would bring neighbors together and make for a
better neighborhoods.
that led me to this thought.
what if people who have direct tv could be alerted to the fact that others in
their area were watching the same shows.
it could almost be like a dating service, or a friend-finder service.
directv knows what you're watching, cause they record that information (or at
least have the ability to). so people could subscribe to the service (which
would have to be free, at least to start out with) by entering their email and
info on the website. they'd have to be able to set the amount of exposure they
would want others to have access to.
people could set a distance criteria, what they are looking for (friends, more,
etc.) and other vital info.
then while you are watching tv, you could have the option of hitting a button
and seeing who else in your area is watching the same show.
you'd then have the option of emailing them (it could be an annonymous email
that gets redirected) and friendships would blossom all over town.
you wouldn't have to sit home alone and watch the practice if you didn't want to,
you could meet with other practice fans and watch together.
or not
it would have to be completely voluntary (for obvious reasons).
or, maybe i just have way too much time on my hands....
oh, and yesterday, i got my synth dreads from hair police and i love them!
here's a pic...
November 22, 2004 041122_10.
much
too upsetting
well, i'm feeling very irritated and mildly violated right now and i thought, "what
better place to vent those feelings than right here on my very own personal
diary". right?
so, i wanted to show my mom my new hair. mostly cause i wanted her to see it
before she sees it in person...to lessen the shock of it...so she can mentally
prepare herself for seeing me.
so, i directed her to my diary page.
now, let me explain that i have showed my mother my diary many times before, i've
also told her that if she ever wants to read it, she can, but she should know
that i write my true and honest feelings in my diary and it doesn't always show
her in the kindest light.
she's never read it and has told me in the past that she's not interested in
reading it because it's my own private thing.
fine
so, today, i send her there to look at the pic of my hair.
she gets very upset...(which is an odd reaction, to say the least.
i asked her why she would get so upset at something that makes me feel happy?
she didn't have an answer for that...she just said that she had to go.
flash forward a few hours, i'm sitting here at my desk, trying not to be bored
and i get an email telling me that someone signed my guestbook.
so, i go to look at it, and it's from my mother's best friend robyn grant (she
signed her full name on my guest book, so i don't have a problem using it here).
aparently, my mother had refered robyn to my diary so she could look at my hair
(my mother was so upset about it that she felt the need to call her best friend).
well, robyn not only looked at the hair picture, but she proceeded to read my
diary.
ok, now i realize that it is a public diary, and that anyone can read it. but
the chances of my mother's best friend just stumbling upon it whilst search the
web are slim...so i felt rather safe that she would never read it...(not she
specifically, but herself and many other people whom i would not want reading my
most innerpersonal thoughts and feelings).
and not only did she read my diary, but she had to make a comment in my guest
book. and not a kind comment, but an incredulous comment as though she didn't
believe what i had written.
it's nobody's busniess what i think and it's not my business what others think
of me...but don't come to my diary, where i post my most personal shit and
question my veracity.
and what of my mother who gave her the link?
i called her and told her that i did not give her permission to give robyn a
link to my diary. i said that i didn't appreciate it and i felt very
disrespected and violated.
she said she was sorry and that she didn't think it was a big deal cause it was
a public diary...and that she didn't want it to turn into a big fight so just to
leave it alone.
(that would never happen if the shoe were on the other foot)
and what ever happend to her idea that it was too personal and she didn't think
it would be an ok thing for her to read it??
i am so irritated right now i can't even tell you.
robyn, aside from being my mother's best friend, is perfect. she's got a thin
body (she works out and eats right, but she's also got great genes), she has a
beautiful daughter, she's rich, she's pretty, she throws perfect parties and she's
popular and confident. she's also 6 years older than me...and is my 60 something
mother's best friend.
for a long time i resented the hell out of robyn because i felt like my mother
had replaced me with someone more suitable and to her liking.
i didn't like her at all..but then i realized that she is a great friend to my
mom and i started to warm up to her more and more.
today, i like her. i'd say that i even love her, she's a good egg..but i don't
necessarily want her reading my diary...especially since she's my mom's best
friend.
anything my mom tells her is going to be distorted by my mothers experience and
view. therefore, anything robyn hears is from her is going to be distorted...therefore,
anything she reads in my diary about my mother is going to be further distorted
because her loyalties lie with my mom, not with me.
it's complicated.
anyway, i think i've mostly calmed down now...thanks for listening!
November 24, 2004 041124_28.
gobble gobble todeloo! well, it's almost turkey
day. i've gone to the pet store and stocked up on cat food, bought some travelin'
dog food and a strong tie out for java.
i'll have to pack us all up and we'll leave tomorrow morning for grass valley
around 8:00
i'm not worried about leaving the cats, but i'm stressed to hell and back about
taking the dogs with me. this is NOT going to be a relaxing trip, i'll tell you
what!
not to mention my parents will see me in all my freakiness and that should prove
to be less than a kodak moment, if you know what i mean.
i've decided that if they can't love me for who i am, then tough. and i'll
probably wind up telling my mom yet again that this is me, love me or leave me.
such is life.
so, enjoy your turkey, one and all...don't eat too much, or, eat too much...whatever
makes you smile.
November 25, 2005
041125_94.
here we are...
well, the journey was uneventful. as we drove along the I-80 east, i saw lots of
interesting things.
as we were passing through vacaville and past lake beryessa, i kept expecting to
see some sign that said,
WELCOME TO THE HOME OF THE ZODIAC KILLER
but no sign.
i did see a sign that said, "Where are you going that is more important than
spaghetti"
i had to give that one a great deal of thought...where was i going that was more
important than spaghetti?
we also passed a dead deer. fortunately, the dogs didn't see it...very upsetting
so, now we're here in grass valley, and the dogs are sequestered unhappily in
the garage...i feel sad for them and keep going out there to hang with them.
i think that we'll go home tomorrow afternoon instead of staying over another
night.
and now, it's back to my family...
November 27, 2004 041127_75.
be kind, eat your raw turkey, and don't spill
anything!
reflections on thanksgiving....
so, all in all, it was pretty painless...sort of.
my mom and dad were stellar! i really do love them when they just let me be me.
we had a great time together, albeit short.
the cousins were, as always, great. it was super nice to see my cousin's kids,
they are getting so grown up, they're teenagers now, it's weird!
the aunts and uncles were good too...with the exception of my uncle's wife...i'll
call her, oh, i don't know...who's one of those perfect 50's housewives??? ok..."doris".
she was a bit manic about keeping her house clean...and so, during the making of
the meal she proceeded to drink lots of wine, which made her, say, more carefree...and
not a tiny bit ditzy.
however, i should point out that before the meal started...after i had arrived,
she told me that she had a rule in her house that daughters weren't allowed to
speak to their mothers in an "unkindly" fashion. (i guess mothers can be as
shitty to their daughters as they want to be...)
what constitutes an unkindly fashion you ask?? well, apparently, that was left
completely up to her discretion, so one never knew quite when one would get "corrected".
now, this was fine for a while...
my mother and i have a finely crafted way of communicating with each other that
we have developed over the last 30 some odd years.
it might not be the "unkindliest" way of speaking to each other, but we make
due.
so, every so often, when i would speak to my mom in what was deemed an
inappropriate fashion..."doris would clear her throat at me and say "uh uh uh"
and then proceed to tell me what i "should" have said
this got very old...and most of the time, i just ignored her...except for one
time, which i'll get to in a sec.
now, the meal...it went something like this.
everyone brought something. my favorite auntie brought this amazing little
individual sweet potato brulee's (she even let me torch the sugar on a couple of
them...very fun!). and her twin sister brought the requisite green bean
casserole and mashed potatoes. my mom brought olives and cranberry sauce, i
brought a lovely spinach salad with cranberries, almonds, and feta cheese with a
balsamic vinaigrette. my favorite auntie also brought a turkey, and "doris made
a turkey". my cousin (the one who just got married) made this A-FUCKING-MAZING
gingerbread pumpkin trifle...it was out of this world, i'll tell you what!
so anyway...the turkey came out of the oven, and sat on the counter for awhile...and
nobody bothered to check it for doneness....and my aunt's turkey was brought
already cooked...but it probably could have used a few more hours itself...
at any rate..."doris's" turkey was essentially raw. the breast was cooked...but
there were some parts of it that were questionable, at least to me...and my
favorite auntie's turkey's breast was cooked, but the dark meat wasn't.
so
my dad and i each carved one of the turkey's breast and then the rest of the
bird went back in the oven...however, we were all eating at the time...so anyone
who wanted dark meat pretty much didn't get any...
everything else was good though.
all the while, my dog's were in the garage and they would bark occasionally and
i would go out there and sit with them.
my uncle has a golf cart in there, so i would sit on the golf cart and play with
them for awhile.
every once in a while, my mom would go out there, and sometimes a cousin or two.
at one point, a whole group of people went out to "smoke" (nudge nudge, wink,
wink, you know what i mean...) and the dogs just hung around the circle of
smokers while they chatted and passed the you know what around...it was actually
kinda cute...as if the dogs were saying, "hey, don't bogart...pass that thing
to me"...
i had planned to stay there that night instead of going to my favorite auntie's
house, cause frankly, the idea of packing up all my shit again and having to
drive somewhere else with the dogs sounded exhausting. i asked my aunt "doris"
earlier that day if that would be ok, and she seemed perfectly fine with it. i
was going to sleep in the floor in my sleeping bag near the door to the garage
so i could keep an "ear" on the dogs. everything seemed to be copasetic.
now, early in the day, java scratched the wooden door which leads into the house,
which upset me and my aunt "doris" quite a bit. i said i'd sand it for her but
i think it really pissed her off...i wound up covering the scratched part with
cardboard for the rest of the day.
i had java tied up with a 60 foot lead in the garage in case someone
accidentally opened the garage door (cause he'd run away). expo wasn't chained
and was good to be out there, but not unsupervised, cause give the time and
opportunity, she'd go exploring...if you know what i mean.
so, flash forward a few hours toward the end of the evening, when people started
going home...suddenly, "doris" has this total personality change and starts
freaking out about her car being outside and how the golf cart isn't parked "neatly"
in the garage and generally grousing about things.
i just happened to go out there, and the garage door was wide open and she was
bitching to my uncle about the state of the garage....java was around the corner
of the house (fortunately, connected to the garage by his lead) but expo was
nowhere...i went out there and called for her, and fortunately, she came...but
it could have been a major disaster.
so, my mom and i were standing behind their suv with the dogs while all the car
moving was going on and couldn't be seen. one of my cousins asked her where the
dogs were and she responded less than favorably.
my favorite uncle was apologetic and tried to park the cars and golf cart so
that the dogs would still have some room in there. (which was incredibly sweet
of him)...but it was at that point that i decided that i didn't want to stay if
my dogs were going to be a point of contention and i decided that i'd drive home
that night.
so, i started looking for my car keys so that i could pack up my car.
i had left all of my stuff in a brown paper bag and when i went to get my keys...they
weren't there...
we started looking for them, and as we didn't find them (because i had no
intention of staying there that night and i wanted to leave pronto, i started to
panic a little bit)
i checked and rechecked the bag...and i knew they weren't in there...so when my
mom asked me for the 3rd time if they were in the bag, and i told her no...and
she then asked if she could look in it, i said, "knock yourself out". to which
"doris" replied by correcting me and telling me what i should have said...
i told her, "doris, i really can't handle that right now, so if you don't mind,
please don't tell me what to say" which i said in a slightly unkindly tone
she backed off...but it irritated the crap out of me and by that time, i really
wanted out of there!
my favorite uncle (doris's husband) said, "i'll bet they're in the bag" so i
took the whole bag and dumped it out.
they keys were in one of the small "wine" bags that i had the olive oil in....
mystery solved, tragedy averted...
also, right before i left, my mom took some oil to the scratched door and made
it look like new again, hooray mom! she's really pretty great!
so i packed up my dogs and beat a hasty retreat.
it took a little over two hours to get home, in the dark and rain, but we made
it safely and the dogs were grateful to be home!
all in all, it was an ok holiday....but i'm not sure if i'll ever do it again!
November 28, 2004 041128_6.
so, it's come to this??
for very unfortunate reasons, i'm going to have to "lock" my diary. please
send me your email addy so that i can give you a password.
send to: chnacat@sbcglobal.net
thanks!
November 29, 2004 041129_5.
family unties the scoop
well folks, it's come to this. the reason that i've had to lock my diary is
because of two reasons.
they are related, so i'll just tell you the story.
thanksgiving, i was supposed to go to grass valley and stay with my aunt marlene
and her husband ron. they live in rough and ready on a parcel of land that is
more rural than urban. you can't get there unless you have a 4 wheel drive.
it was cool...supposedly, my cousin kelly and her husband would be there too and
i would be allowed to bring my dogs with me.
i was a little stressed about the dogs getting along with their dog, and about
not having access to my own vehicle, should i decide to leave...but it was going
to be good.
and now a little background
a few weeks ago, my cousin got married and marlene's husband ron officiated the
ceremony.
it was beautiful and everyone drank and was merry.
at one point, after some imbibing, i went up to ron, put my arm around his
shoulder and gave him a squeeze. he proceded to grab me around the waist and
pull me into him while saying, "you look goooood"...it was creepy. it made me
really uncomfortable.
so, jump ahead to thanksgiving, i find out that kelly and her hubby aren't
staying at marlene and ron's after all, and suddenly, i am remembering what
happened at the wedding and not wanting to stay there so much.
that, and the fact that i still was uncomfortable about not having my car, and
having to pack up all my stuff and the dogs and schlepp to their house after
thanksgiving dinner.
now, if you read the entry about thanksgiving, you know what happened there...but
apparently, the next day, my mom, my aunt "doris", marlene, ron, kelly, her
husband and my cousin laura all went out to breakfast.
i wasn't there so this is second hand information, but marlene suddenly decides
to start bad mouthing my dad and saying how she thinks he hates this family and
that he acts like a snob...that she doesn't like how he treats my mother and all
this shit.
my mom was floored, and so was my aunt "doris"...
not only was it out of character for my aunt marlene, who is usually very loving
and kind, but it was incredibly hurtful to my mother and father, especially
since my dad wasn't there to defend himself.
some shitty things were also said about me...about how i had accused marlene of
taking my keys (i did no such thing, i was just calling to see if they had seen
them or taken them by mistake...i also called my cousin kelly and her group) and
about how i was a “drama queen” etc...
now, it turns out that my cousin laura told her mother something that i had told
her in confidence, which was that i didn't want to stay at marlene and ron's
cause "ron was a nice guy, but he sometimes gives me the willies" which is a
direct quote.
so, this would explain why my aunt marlene was so chilly toward me at
thanksgiving dinner and why laura was so distant.
it was at that point that i made the decision to lock my diary because laura and
marlene were regular readers and i didn't want them broadcasting what i said on
my diary to anyone else, in essence, i had lost my trust in them.
i was actually thinking about giving my aunt the password because i didn't
really think that she was that big of a threat, but then, today as i was driving
home from work, i called my mother.
it seems that my aunt marlene called up my uncle (doris's husband) and read him
my diary entry about thanksgiving.
just to stir the pot...just to take a jab at me and try to make more chaos in
the family.
it was incredibly hurtful and mean. i don't know what her problem is. i've never
know her to be spiteful or vengeful or horribly mean like this...it's either
menopause, or all the drugs she's smoked over the years have finally taken their
toll. either way, it makes me sad that not only have i lost a confidant and
friend, but i no longer have a favorite auntie.
so that's the sordid tale...
frankly, it's patently ridiculous...but if that's the way it's going to be, then
that's the way it's going to be.
November 30, 2004 041130_92.
just livin....
so, this whole family situation continues to devolve into more petty
ridiculousness...i’m about done with it.
the only good that’s come of it is that my mom and dad and i have been brought
closer (which is a good thing). they’ve both been extremely cool to me lately.
just letting me be myself and loving me anyway. my mom specifically has been so
cool. with me, with the dogs. she’s (as jessa once said to me) a rock star!
and on a completely different and unrelated note...i’m going to an information
session at Argosy University for their masters program in forensic psychology.
on december 15th.
i’m not telling anyone (well, anyone except for all of you...) and if/when i
decide to apply, i’m not telling anyone until graduation.
it’ll be a hard secret to keep from my parents, but i’m going to try my damndest!
work is work...boring, for the most part, but i’m hoping to get a rather
sizeable commission at the end of the month (sizeable being about $2000.00)
that’ll be nice cause i owe so much money...to the government, to the vet, to
the dentist, to my credit cards....ugh...
my mom and dad and i decided to “cancel” christmas. (despite the fact that we
are jewish, we have always give our presents on christmas morning, complete with
stockings and carols)
we made the choice to cancel because no one really has any money, they are
leaving the day after to go skiing at telluride, and i don’t particularly want
to schlepp down to newport beach for a one day gig...and, i’d have to board the
dogs, which i am relatively opposed to.
so, it’ll be extremely weird on christmas morning...but i think i can handle it.
i told my mom that after they get back from skiing, they’ll come up here and
stay in the city and we’ll all go out to dinner and toast to the holiday and
then hang out in san francisco together.
provided there isn’t any weird drama amongst us between now and then, it sounds
like a stellar plan, no?
oh, incidentally, if you have friends who are regular readers of my diary, feel
free to give them the password.
just don't pass it on to any of my relatives!
=)
December 01, 2004 041201_38.
family unraveling i'm losing my fucking mind!
here's the email i received
Lisa, I writing to you because I'm hurt. I tried to stay out of the drama but
you've gone to far. I know about your e-mail to mom...your phone call to mom...
AND your dairy entry about mom, its just one insult too many in my book!! But
what i don't get is why would you make up things about "Dorris"? you created
all of that drama in your head yourself, even before you came to thanksgiving
you had already decided it was going to be terrible for you. so that it was you
projected out. if Janet was as you say she was then why would she let 20 people
into her house and kids running around and stuff? i caught you being snippy with
her too for no reason you made a cheese a cracker and she wanted you to take
something out to the garage you thought she was trying to food police you Janet
would do such a thing maybe your mother would but i guess you don't know Janet
very well. I also don't understand why you would write it all on your public
journal when you know for a fact that mom definitely reads it!?!? If someone
wrote something about Scott I would hope that my sister who is definitely
reading it would tell me! I also don't know if you realize how my my mom has
done for you, she has stuck up for you, she tries to emotionally support you and
tries to help you and your moms messed up relationship! She has also gone out of
her Way to stop at your house EVERY TIME she has come to visit ME. She has tried
to be a mother to you when yours was letting you down(and i know you feel/think
that cuz you criticize your mom in your journals , which i too read on occasion).
and your mom is so critical of you too and she lets it know to others. i guess
that's her way of an on line journal. What i think is your anger with my mom is
that she caught your criticism of Janet/Ron/Renee/laura and you fell bad so
instead of potentially ruining a relationship with some who cares about you JUST
APOLOGIZE! Kelly
and here's the insuing conversation that took place
burmashave (9:41:25 AM): lisa did you get my e-mail?
chnacat (9:41:53 AM): yes, i'm writing you back right now
chnacat (9:42:02 AM): i called you but you didn't answer your cell
burmashave (9:42:17 AM): oh i left it at work
burmashave (9:43:53 AM): no need to agrue your case i just wanted to say what i
was feeling
chnacat (9:44:36 AM): well, i am saying what i am feeling. and i hope you'll
give me the courtesy of reading what i write. you don't have all the facts...so
of course, your upset
chnacat (9:46:46 AM): and by telling me that there is no need to argue my case,
that is incredibly passive aggressive of you. you just get to dump all over me
and i don't get to respond??
burmashave (9:48:04 AM): yuo can respond if you want but it not nessary in my
opinon
chnacat (9:48:20 AM): like i said, that's incredibly passive aggressive
burmashave (9:48:43 AM): well thats i personall trait i have
chnacat (9:48:50 AM): i guess.
chnacat (9:49:09 AM): not exactly something to be proud of. be aware, i didn't
start this.
burmashave (9:50:41 AM): who started what what are you referring to what is "this"
chnacat (9:51:57 AM): i'm referring to this whole ridiculous drama that
aparently started on friday morning at breakfast. i wasn't there, so i can't
speak to it, but it seems to keep mushrooming. i was badmouthed on that
occassion and so was my dad, and neither of us were there to defend ourselves.
chnacat (9:52:20 AM): and then it continued when your mom decided to read my
diary to marshall
chnacat (9:52:43 AM): and it's lame and stupid and i don't understand where it's
coming from
chnacat (9:52:51 AM): all this anger directed at my family....
burmashave (9:52:58 AM): well i was there at breakfast
burmashave (9:53:12 AM): you were never mention untill later
chnacat (9:53:17 AM): but i was mentioned...
chnacat (9:53:25 AM): so what does it matter at what part in the conversation
burmashave (9:54:17 AM): the thing that was said about your dad started hwebn we
were talking about the next family reunion adn i said that bobby said not to do
another one for 22 years
burmashave (9:55:08 AM): you were mention by laura never my mom and tit was
brought out when the insult agaisnt ron canme up and why you would say that
chnacat (9:55:14 AM): which was a facetious comment
chnacat (9:55:39 AM): meaning, if we're going to wait four years, why not wait
22 year...4 years being too long
chnacat (9:55:56 AM): and i didn't insult ron....again, you don't know the whole
story
burmashave (9:56:39 AM): well it sure didnt caome out that way it was like if we
never do it again all be happy that was his tone
chnacat (9:57:03 AM): well, i guess people shouldn't make assumptions about what
other people are thinking..cause clearly it causes trouble
burmashave (9:57:05 AM): well i was the the whole itme at breakfast so i do
chnacat (9:57:21 AM): no, you don't know the whole story.
chnacat (9:57:27 AM): neither did laura at the time
burmashave (9:57:27 AM): that is not the only time yuor dad was rude
chnacat (9:57:35 AM): my dad is always rude...gimme a break
chnacat (9:57:38 AM): your dad is too
chnacat (9:57:50 AM): it's just how they are
chnacat (9:57:54 AM): and we love them anyway
burmashave (9:57:56 AM): i love bobby but i saw him be riude to your mom in
front of the whole family
chnacat (9:58:05 AM): that's between my mom and my dad
chnacat (9:58:12 AM): not anyone else's business
burmashave (9:58:28 AM): not when is oput oin front of ever yone else
chnacat (9:58:29 AM): and if you had a problem with the way my dad was treating
my mom, you should have said something to HIM
burmashave (9:58:42 AM): we all did
chnacat (9:58:42 AM): not have a bad mouth session about him when he isn't there
burmashave (9:58:55 AM): your mom just hung her heead down
burmashave (9:59:16 AM): i felt bad for her
chnacat (9:59:20 AM): and the situation with ron was something that happened at
your wedding that made me feel very uncomfortable...
chnacat (9:59:28 AM): well then you should have talked to my mom in private
burmashave (9:59:33 AM): and a felt bad on firiday for her
chnacat (9:59:36 AM): not bad mouthed my dad
chnacat (9:59:44 AM): how do you think that made her feel? even worse
burmashave (9:59:53 AM): but your dad is noy verry kind to my mom of renee
burmashave (10:00:04 AM): i know
chnacat (10:00:05 AM): my dad is her husband. she loves him, they have been
married to each other for over 30 years...
burmashave (10:00:15 AM): so my mom and her are sisters
chnacat (10:00:20 AM): no, he's not...so renee and your mom should talk to my
dad in private.
burmashave (10:00:23 AM): thjarts upset my mom
chnacat (10:00:25 AM): not bad mouth him in a group
chnacat (10:00:51 AM): no matter what you say, it's never right to bad mouth a
person in a group when they are not there to defend themselves..i don't care who
it is
burmashave (10:00:59 AM): a gruop of family members!
chnacat (10:01:08 AM): it doesn't matter who the group is
burmashave (10:01:24 AM): but its is realted to them too
burmashave (10:01:46 AM): so does that make it okay to bad mouth someone on the
internet?
chnacat (10:02:14 AM): no, it doesn't. but don't change the subjec
chnacat (10:02:14 AM): t
burmashave (10:02:31 AM): ITS A RELATIVE
chnacat (10:02:43 AM): and it doesn't matter if it's related to them too..they
should talk to the person that they have a problem with face to face
burmashave (10:03:15 AM): then why did you tell mom whow you were feeling about
ron
chnacat (10:03:36 AM): it's not relative to this particular conversation. not to
mention that i already apologized to marshall about what i said
chnacat (10:03:42 AM): why did i? or why didn't i?
burmashave (10:03:59 AM): and my mom telling her sister becuase that was were
her problem lay
chnacat (10:04:18 AM): i didn't tell you mom at first because a) i didn't want
to stir up trouble with them, and b) i was embarassed about it
burmashave (10:04:27 AM): why didnt you
chnacat (10:04:32 AM): i just said
chnacat (10:04:55 AM): so i tried to talk to laura about it, but she wouldn't
engage in the conversation
burmashave (10:05:08 AM): well maybe thats how my mom feels about talkinhg to
bobbby about it
burmashave (10:05:21 AM): of course not
chnacat (10:05:39 AM): bobby didn't do anything sexual to her...there is no
reason for her to feel embarassed...she's known him for over 30 years..
burmashave (10:06:31 AM): and hes said very few words to her which in not
opening to have a conversation
chnacat (10:06:40 AM): that's irrelevant
chnacat (10:06:59 AM): laura doesn't talk to anyone either, that doesn't scare
me away from talking to her
burmashave (10:07:36 AM): but like you said its between mom and bobby why are
you so pissed at my moom
chnacat (10:07:51 AM): becuase of what she did to ME
chnacat (10:08:20 AM): it has nothing to do with what happened at breakfast....that
wasn't my fight...your mom completely betrayed me
burmashave (10:09:00 AM): besides the fact that ron did nothign sexual to you
how dare you incunate such a popsterious thought
chnacat (10:09:36 AM): kelly, you weren't there, you don't know what happened.
and i know it wasn't intentioned as a sexual thing, but it came off as one
chnacat (10:09:45 AM): and it freaked me out
burmashave (10:09:51 AM): well if you wrote something hurt about scott on you
dairy i would for except laura my isister to tell me
chnacat (10:10:13 AM): like i said in my email, i would never write anything
about scott
chnacat (10:10:43 AM): laura has told me many things in confidence about her
mother and her father, and you for that matter, and i would NEVER betray her
confidence
burmashave (10:11:15 AM): i know how ron is and he squeezed everybody like that
and jen laura me but if you thought he was being sexual why would he go for the
lesbian?
chnacat (10:11:46 AM): i don't know...it was more what he said when he grabbed
me
burmashave (10:11:52 AM): yeah but if she wrote in on;line then it would all be
known
chnacat (10:12:13 AM): and like i said, i don't believe he intentioned it as
sexual, it just came off that way, which is why i didn't want to say anything to
your mother
chnacat (10:12:19 AM): and i didn't write it online
chnacat (10:12:24 AM): so that point is moot
chnacat (10:12:29 AM): you're grasping at straws.
chnacat (10:13:01 AM): kelly, i have no beef with you. you are trying to defend
your mother for something deplorable that she did...and frankly, there is no
defending it
burmashave (10:13:16 AM): and your not
chnacat (10:13:22 AM): i'm not what?
burmashave (10:13:37 AM): you just said it was sexuall but you felt sexul
chnacat (10:14:05 AM): i said, i'm sure it was not intentioned as sexual by ron,
but it felt sexual to me and it freaked me out
burmashave (10:15:16 AM): she read you journal that you wrote thta is deplorable
chnacat (10:15:20 AM): and, i didn't say anything about it, and i didn't do
anything about it. i just decided that i didn't want to stay at your mom's house
by myself.
chnacat (10:15:35 AM): what? didn't write about it in my journal
burmashave (10:15:41 AM): what a wrapp thought
chnacat (10:15:51 AM): what are you talking about
burmashave (10:15:58 AM): not stay with you favorite auntie
chnacat (10:16:08 AM): what are you talking about?
burmashave (10:16:26 AM): becuase you thought her husabdn would make sexual
advances towarsd you?
burmashave (10:16:42 AM): why you did stay with mom
chnacat (10:16:44 AM): JESUS H. MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST...that's not what i said,
nor what i thought
chnacat (10:17:08 AM): i didn't stay there for several reasons. and not that i
have to defend myself to you, here they are.
chnacat (10:17:17 AM): 1. i felt uncomfortable around ron
burmashave (10:17:40 AM): it. i just decided that i didn't want to stay at your
mom's house by myself.
chnacat (10:17:43 AM): 2. i didn't want to have to schlepp the dogs and all my
shit from janets to your moms house after being on the road for 2 hours
chnacat (10:18:14 AM): 3. i didn't want to be without my car readily available
in case i decided to go home (which, by the way, i did)
burmashave (10:18:23 AM): but that wasss were you wre going to sleep?
chnacat (10:18:24 AM): i never said that i thought that ron would touch me
chnacat (10:18:36 AM): i never thought that ron would touch me
chnacat (10:18:41 AM): i just felt uncomfortable
chnacat (10:18:45 AM): and that's my right
burmashave (10:18:46 AM): ?
chnacat (10:18:56 AM): what is it you don't understand?
burmashave (10:19:24 AM): how ron the nicest person would make you fell that
unconforable
burmashave (10:19:53 AM): we had to drive back to danielle with all our crap
chnacat (10:19:55 AM): it doesn't matter...it happened. he was drunk, i felt
uncomfortable
chnacat (10:20:07 AM): i'm not you, you are equating two unequal things
burmashave (10:20:23 AM): what does he being drunk have to do with anything
chnacat (10:20:27 AM): and was all your crap jumping all over you while you were
driving?
chnacat (10:20:38 AM): it was part of what made me uncomfortable
chnacat (10:20:53 AM): i don't have to explain myself. it made me uncomfortable.
period
chnacat (10:21:17 AM): do you know me to be a mean and vengeful person?
burmashave (10:21:45 AM): well ido know that you are HIGHLY insercure & paranoid
burmashave (10:22:05 AM): not until you comments on janet
chnacat (10:22:05 AM): i'm in no way paranoid
burmashave (10:22:06 AM): mom
burmashave (10:22:08 AM): ron
burmashave (10:22:10 AM): renee
burmashave (10:22:12 AM): laura
burmashave (10:22:15 AM): your mom
chnacat (10:22:19 AM): christ kelly. you didn't even read them
burmashave (10:22:35 AM): read what
chnacat (10:22:35 AM): i didn't say anything about renee, laura, or ron
chnacat (10:22:38 AM): my comment
chnacat (10:22:39 AM): s
burmashave (10:22:57 AM): yes i did
chnacat (10:23:15 AM): so where did i say anything about renee or laura or ron?
burmashave (10:23:28 AM): as a matter of fact my friend jen called me to read it
to me because she was shocked
chnacat (10:23:41 AM): jen can't get to my diary, it's locked
burmashave (10:23:49 AM): ron=creepy
chnacat (10:23:57 AM): that's not what i said.
chnacat (10:24:03 AM): would you like a direct quote?
burmashave (10:24:44 AM): she read the janet entry so obvisiouly your continue
you venegful comments
burmashave (10:25:03 AM): renee=liar and no integrity
chnacat (10:25:16 AM): no, i said that to your mother, and it happens to be true
burmashave (10:25:27 AM): laura=is a backstbber for betrarying you
chnacat (10:25:34 AM): and your mother has said it to me as well...so if i'm
guilty, marlene is equally as guilty
chnacat (10:25:42 AM): and i never said that laura is a backstabber
chnacat (10:25:43 AM): at one point, after some imbibing, i went up to ron, put
my arm around his shoulder and gave him a squeeze. he proceded to grab me around
the waist and pull me into him while saying, "you look goooood"...it was
creepy. it made me really uncomfortable.
chnacat (10:25:56 AM): now, it turns out that my cousin laura told her mother
something that i had told her in confidence, which was that i didn't want to
stay at marlene and ron's cause "ron was a nice guy, but he sometimes gives me
the willies" which is a direct quote.
burmashave (10:26:01 AM): have you every know my mom to be a hurtful venefeul
person?
chnacat (10:26:06 AM): not until now
chnacat (10:26:45 AM): i'm done with this conversation. it's going in circles.
you can think whatever you want about me. i've never been anything but kind to
you...helping you with your wedding etc...
chnacat (10:26:54 AM): this is ridiculous and i'm done participating in it
chnacat (10:27:32 AM): and all of this really has nothing to do with you...so
you can insinuate yourself into it if you want to..but i'm not going to play
anymore
chnacat (10:28:12 AM): all i know is that i didn't start any of this, but
somehow i've been dragged into it and made the bad guy, and if that's how you
see it, then there is nothing i can do about it
burmashave (10:28:15 AM): yeah you were also reluctant to come to my wedding
after my mom brought you all these clothes
chnacat (10:28:31 AM): JESUS KELLY...I HAD JUST HAD SURGERY..I WAS IN INCREDIBLE
PAIN
chnacat (10:28:52 AM): GIMME A FUCKING BREAK, NOW YOU'RE JUST MAKING UP EXCUSES
TO MAKE ME THE BAD PERSON
burmashave (10:28:58 AM): that was way befreo
chnacat (10:29:02 AM): no, it wasn't
chnacat (10:29:09 AM): it was a week after
chnacat (10:29:22 AM): i had just had my stitches out a couple of days before
chnacat (10:29:31 AM): they took a giant chunk out of my leg
burmashave (10:30:09 AM): well anywasy i guess you doont feel you dont owe and
apolgiy to my mom
chnacat (10:30:22 AM): even if i do, that's between me and her, not me and you
burmashave (10:30:28 AM): so i guess you dont need to have her support in your
life
burmashave (10:30:44 AM): well she is my mom
chnacat (10:30:50 AM): i didn't say that
burmashave (10:30:50 AM): and she is pissed
chnacat (10:30:59 AM): well, i'm pissed too
chnacat (10:31:03 AM): she really hurt me
burmashave (10:31:30 AM): and what you wrote to her wasnt hurtful?
chnacat (10:31:45 AM): not going there
burmashave (10:31:46 AM): all she did was read your words
chnacat (10:31:59 AM): good bye, i'm going back to work
burmashave (10:32:05 AM): okay
December
01, 2004 041201_6.
this is all too much! IMPORTANT
please don't give out the password to anyone that you don't know personally...
specifically, please do not give it to a person named jen (http://painted-lady.diaryland.com)
as she is a friend of my cousin and has aparently been reporting back to her
what i've been writing in my diary.
i'm sorry to be creating such drama here....i sincerely apologize!!!
i frankly hate all this bullshit!
December 02, 2004 041202_57.
an end to the madness
well, i've either sunk to new lows...or i'm a bonafide idiot...
what started out as an all out war between my aunt marlene (and whoever else
would take her side) and my humble little family turned into attack on lisa...which
was most unpleasant.
so, in order to put a stop to the assault...
i apologized to my aunt marlene.
for what you might ask??
well, i'm not exactly sure. i just threw in everything i could think of...including
the kitchen sink. it went something like this:
marlene, i'm not sure if you'll get this or not. i called and left you a message
on your cell (i think). i just wanted to say that i'm sorry for calling and
yelling at you on the phone. i'm sorry for not telling you that ron made me feel
uncomfortable instead of telling laura that he gave me the willies. i should
have talked to you about it and not said anything to anyone else. i know that
ron's intention was not sexual in any way and that he was just trying to make me
feel good about myself. i'm sorry that it made me so uncomfortable that i didn't
feel like i could talk about it. i'm sorry i made you mad about the turkey and i'm
sorry about this whole thing.
and now, hopefully, all will be well.
i'm not sure if i could quantify the sincerity in my act of contrition...if i
had to, i might equate it to the amount of sugar in a diabetic cookie, or the
number of militant lesbians and a womyn's church social...but that's neither
here nor there. i did it to put an end to all of this craziness.
will i ever trust her again? no
will i ever confide in her again? no
will i ever look at her the same again? no
but hopefully we can move on.
the viciousness of the attack on me was completely unexpected and who knows how
it would have escalated had i done nothing.
so there it stands.
i'm not sure if i quite feel good about myself for doing it. but it's done.
December 06, 2004 041206_68.
you want me, you know you do...just admit it!
sorry for the lull...i guess that after all the family turmoil, i didn’t realize
that i hadn’t updated in a few days.
really, there’s not too much to say. things are pretty much the same. i fell off
the raw foods no processed sugar no white flour bandwagon HARD this weekend. i
fell so hard that i smacked my head and then got caught up in the wheels and
wound up underneath the thing in a heap.
i can only attribute that to having my period and not being strong enough to
fight off the monster chocolate cravings (which i assuaged with peanut m&m’s and
snickers poppers candies in two varieties, washed down with oreo cookie ice
cream).
needless to say, today i feel like a fatter fat ass than i was before.
the funny thing is, nothing tasted good...(which didn’t stop me from eating it
mindlessly). nothing...food in general just doesn’t taste good to me.
when i’m hungry, i couldn’t tell you what i am hungry for...nothing sounds good...but
i eat anyway.
i’m not sure what that is about...but i don’t seem to be able to stop either...i’m
a lost cause i think. i’m destined to be fat for the rest of my life....fat, and
alone...woe is me.
seriously. i probably will wind up being alone....i can’t imagine that anyone
would want me. i certainly don’t (i know, i know, the first step in being loved
is loving yourself...)
it’s ok i guess. i get lonely sometimes, but i’ll deal.
on another totally irresponsible note, i bought a new digital camera this
weekend. well, i didn’t buy it, i ordered it...(same difference i guess...the
only distinction being that i don’t have possession of it yet). i ordered it
from target on line and it came w/ a free 256 memory card. i also got 10% off...so
it was a good deal (or at least i keep telling myself that)
i gave my old one to my cousin. it wasn’t a bad one...just didn’t have the
features that i wanted. it was actually a very nice camera...an expensive one to
boot. i’m hoping that she gets good use out of it. it’s not something that she’d
typically be able to buy for herself so i felt good about giving it to her.
the new one is the BOMBADERO! but i really cannot afford it. it’s almost more
than a car payment!!! ($350.00) and i had to borrow from peter to pay target)
i’ll have to justify the purchase by taking lots and lots of pictures...yeah,
that’s the ticket, lots and lots of pictures...!
so there it is...i’m fat, lonely, and fiscally irresponsible....
wouldn’t that make a great personal ad??
fat, lonely, fiscally irresponsible lesbian iso loving caring womyn with high
tolerance for childish behavior. non-smoker, no drugs. please respond to chnacat@sbcglobal.net
December 07, 2004 041207_59.
same
shit...different entry
so, i got read the riot act by the filmmaker for being unkind to myself.
i know that she’s right in that it’s all in the attitude...but if i can’t
express my true feelings in my diary, where can i express them? it’s not that i
hate myself...well, ok, scratch that...i do hate myself...
i’m trying to have acceptance for who and what i am and have become, but
sometimes it just gets tough and instead of keeping a brave face in the midst of
it all, i have to let down my guard (against myself) and express how i feel.
my mom told me that she’s sad and misses the old lisa. that she wishes i’d take
out my dreads and piercings. i told her that’s probably not going to happen...and
that this is me, love me or leave me.
she decided to love me...but she’s still sad....and frankly, so am i.
i miss the old me too. i miss my thin body and my cute clothes. i don’t know if
i’ll ever get it back...and as it stands, i don’t seem to have the inner
strength or fortitude to do anything about it.
i swear, if there was a magic pill to get and stay thin, i’d take it. if i could
sell my soul to be naturally and permanently thin, i might consider it. if i had
to sacrifice everything i own to become and stay waiflike, i’d do it in a
heartbeat...but it just doesn’t work like that.
i know that i put way too much emphasis on being thin...but being fat is just so
uncomfortable in so many ways...
and i used to be such a good dieter...but for some reason, i’ve completely lost
my resolve. maybe it’s because i know that dieting is futile...that no matter
how hard i try and how hard i work at getting thin, eventually, i’ll be fat
again, as evidenced by every single attempt i’ve ever made.
i’m not sure. part of me doesn’t care, i just want to be thin again.
December 08, 2004 041208_38.
why do you do this??
why a public diary? a question i’m sure you’ve all been asked at one time or
another.
a question i’ve had to answer recently and have given much thought to as well.
the short answer is, i journal/diary/write because i have to. if i kept all of
the things that i write about inside me, i’d kill myself for sure. i’m not
trying to elicit any kind of sympathy response here, i just know that if i were
forced to carry around all of the “stuff” (for lack of a better term) that i
write about, it would take me spiraling down a dark path. a path that i’ve been
on before and thankfully survived. but i don’t want to go there again...so i
write.
so why is it public for all to read and see??
well, until recently, as you know, it was public for all to see...and i wound up
learning the hard way that certain people shouldn’t be privy to my inner most
thoughts and feelings.
but prior to that, i felt like sharing my diary with people was a way of
connecting with like minded people who might be going through similar situations.
it made me feel less alone to know that someone out there knew what i was going
through and just by them signing my guest book, i felt a camaraderie that i
wouldn't otherwise experience.
there was also the added component that i knew people were reading it and that
sort of gave me a little thrill...sort of reverse voyeurism if you will. but it
also made me accountable. in the beginning, there were times when i didn’t feel
like writing, even though i knew it was the best thing for me. but knowing that
there was an audience, however small, gave me the impetus to sit down and write,
which always made me feel better.
i know that to some people, the idea of sharing your inner most thought or even
your mundane day to day experiences with the world seems ridiculous if not a
little bit conceited. you’d have to have a pretty inflated ego to think that
other people are interested in what goes on inside your head.
i disagree with that...for obvious reasons.
i think that, in a way, it’s a little bit selfless in that you might be sharing
something that one person needed to hear in order to make them feel better. you
might divulge something that helps someone else to feel more comfortable in
their skin or feel safer in their world. and likewise, some other blogger or
diarist might say something that puts you at ease.
it’s not for everyone...and i say, if it’s not for you, don’t do it...but it
works for me and so i’m stickin’ with it.
December 09, 2004 041209_96.
i'll have a blue christmas, that's certain.
with the approaching holdiay madness, i beseech you to shop consciously this
year.
in order to do that, you might consider shopping with a political bent.
i give you
blue shopping
and for those of you not celebrating this year (myself included), buy yourself
something nice (and blue). go ahead, you deserve it.
but let's not forget the reason for season amongst all of the hullabaloo...
we have to remember to love one another, and to treat each person as we would
like to be treated. that's all it's about...there's not much of a big mystery
really....it's all about the love.
don't forget some of the truest words ever written:
and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make
December 11, 2004 041211_48.
i promise to be different! i promise to be
unique! i promise not to repeat things other people say! good!
today i had this thought just pop into my head...
"we are so the same in our differences and yet so different in our
commonalities"
it's profound, yes, but what does it mean really?
i think that it means that although we are all connected, and alike (sameness)
in our attempt to be different and unique...we achieve more differentness in the
ways that we are common.
i'm definitely going to have to ponder that one some more...
December 12, 2004 041212_59.
more bizarre weirdness
today, while cleaning up after expo in the back yard...
the following song sprung forth, fully formed into my head, like athena being
birthed by her father:
great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher guts
mutilated monkey meat
itty bitty birdy feet
french fried eyeballs floating in a pool of blood
oops i forgot my spoon
but i brought my straaaaawwwww....
it's a girl scout song...i haven't thought about it in over 25 years...
i'm really going to have to figure out why all these random things keep popping
into my head!
December 13, 2004 041213_13.
growing pains, or the birthing of self
i don’t have patience today.
i know that in order to create more peace in my own world, i need to have
ultimate kindness and forgiveness at the forefront of my mind. ahimsa. non-injury
to living beings, or dynamic harmlessness.
but today, i have no patience. i find myself being snappy and impatient with
people on the phone. not approaching them with kindness but with restlessness...i’ve
had to hold my tongue once today and that is one too many times.
i’m reading a book by Lama Surya Das called "Letting Go of the Person You Used
to Be" which talks about growth through suffering and how you can’t move to the
next level of spiritual growth without loss and grief, or some kind of irritant.
much like the oyster, requiring a piece of sand to irritate and fester so that
the oyster can create a pearl.
i have been wallowing in my own misery for so long that i’ve almost forgotten to
move forward. i have grown comfortable in my discomfort. i need to proceed
through this difficulty and not get stuck in it. i am more determined now than
before to make something of this icky time in my life and become a better person.
of course, i also have to let go of the idea that the only way to start this
growth is to lose weight. my size and weight have nothing to do with the person
i am to become. this shell is only a vessel to move me around in the world.
of course, i do intend to take better care of myself. i want to start yoga again
and continue to eat better. (note that starting a vegan eating plan at the
beginning of the holiday food season is sort of crazy...so i’m not going to put
that kind of pressure on myself right now. but starting january 1st, i’m going
back to raw vegan eating again)
but i digress....
one of the things that i must keep in the forefront of my consciousness is my
approach to the world. we are all connected. when i harm another being or
creature in the world, i am ultimately harming myself.
this i cannot forget!
December 14, 2004
041214_35.
ode to my mom
i am SO loving my mom right now. she is being oh so, ever so cool!
ever since the whole ridiculous family fight took place...actually, even a
little before that...she has been really kind and loving and accepting of me.
she has been able to tell me (without insulting me) that she’s really not fond
of my hair, or my piercings, and that she wishes that i didn’t have them. but
she’s said it in a way that intimates an understanding that i DO have them, and
that this is me, and that although it is difficult for her, she loves me anyway.
we’ve been able to have some pretty meaningful conversations lately. and i feel
really close to her now. it’s nice.
will we have our “moments” in the future? of course we will!
will she piss me off or hurt my feelings again? of course she will!
but will we be able to rebound from it and talk about it and come to an
understanding that brings us mutual satisfaction? i think so!
the thing is, when she’s not being judgmental, my mom is a pretty amazing person.
she’s bright, and funny, and beautiful, and charming! she knows how to make me
smile and she knows how to have fun.
she wasn’t always the mommy that i wanted when i was growing up...but who’s
mommy really is...she did the best she could with what she knew at the time and
raising me and my mentally ill brother couldn’t have been an easy task.
for all that she’s gone through and all that she’s capable of in the future, she’s
pretty remarkable and i love her!
December 15, 2004 041215_88.
the depths are rising
there is a fine line that i see myself walking. a razors edge, so to speak,
between hope and despair.
my best friend said to me today that she wants to go away. when i asked her
where she wanted to go, she replied, “oblivion”.
i asked if i could go with.
and then i thought of my previous writing the other day about having hope and
moving forward...and i realized that i tend to waffle between wanting to die and
wanting to muddle through to something better.
how many times a day to i struggle with hopelessness and then have to remind
myself that i am trying to be hopeful...attempting to look forward to something
better.
i feel mired in sticky, sloggy quicksand that sometimes allows me a little
movement to safety and then sucks me back in when just when i start feeling
buoyant.
and how easily am i reminded that i am actually miserable and that the chances
of my escaping this perceived life sentence of gloom lie somewhere between slim
and none?
it takes all i have to remain positive. it takes all my energy to fully and
completely behave in a way that contradicts all that i’m feeling. don’t get me
wrong, i am easily able to “put on an act”...i can be superficially cheery and
happy, funny and entertaining...but the truth of me is sad. the core of me is
lonely and depressed and has been for as long as i can remember. i feel like the
light inside me is dimming at a rapid rate.
perhaps this is just the human condition. perhaps life is just suffering and
sadness. just maybe, we are only meant to survive this in order to move on to a
better place which is void of melancholy and grief.
of course, none of us will know the answer to that until after we are gone...so
it doesn’t really make sense to ponder it much. for me, anyway, i just have to
concentrate on making it through, one day...no....one moment at a time.
i have to keep prodding myself not to give in to the ennui and not to let myself
fall into the black hole that lives inside me and will most assuredly destroy me
if i let it.
December 16, 2004 041216_81.
this might piss you off
there's nothing that bugs me more than shortcut slang on the internet...
for example...the word prolly
even typing it makes me shudder.
the word is PROBABLY not prolly.... if someone were to say prolly in my presence,
i might have to slap them silly.
it's just plain lazy, that's all...i mean, seriously, how fucking apathetic do
you have to be if it is too much trouble to completely pronounce a word?
i mean sheesh...
another thing that irks the hell out of me is people who TyPe LiKe ThIs. WhAt
ExAcTlY iS tHe PuRpOsE? is it supposed to be cute??
it's not
is it supposed to be fun??
it's not that either.
it's just annoying.
there are other things that i find equally annoying, but i'm grouchy and tired
and i should prolly go take a nap!
9:47
am December 20, 2004 041220_62.
a glut of holiday food
well, nothing much new to report...in fact, i'm exceedingly bored right now...and
i'm also at work, which probably isn't a good thing, but it's become the status
quo.
the holiday eating season has begun....today, at work, there is a sort of pot
luck "treat-a-thon" going on. i made chocolate chip cookies.
so far, in the kitchen, there is some kind of pasta salad, fudge, mini scones,
crackers and various kinds of spread, chicken, mini torts, a noodle dish, cheese
cake, a crudette (veggie platter), pumpkin bread, a bundt cake, potato chips,
pretzels, chocolate candies, coffee cake, streudle, corn bread, some kind of
cake, and a partridge in a pear tree.
edited to add: pigs in a blanket, butter cookies, sponge cake, sweet potato pie,
and 2 more kinds of coffee cake
there will be more as the day goes on...i'm sure.
i'm waiting to put my cookies out...cause i don't want them all eaten before 10:00
am.
in other news...there is no other news...
alas, i lead a boring and predictable life...
December 22, 2004 041222_56.
when it rains, it pours...and it pours stinky
sulphury pee water right on your head
yesterday sucked.
first of all, i cried at work...which i absolutely fucking HATE doing. but more
about that in a sec.
second of all, the dog peed on the couch AGAIN, right after i had just put on
freshly laundered blankets and cleaned up the last mess...
i need to find a plastic couch. that's the only thing i can think of to end the
ridiculous circle of pee that i seem to be caught up in.
my current couch is from ikea, and it's got a metal frame, low to the ground,
with a foam mattress that sort of folds in half to make a couch. when you unfold
it, it's a bed...but i rarely use the bed part. in fact, it's only been used
once.
the problem is, the foam has been peed on too many times and despite many
soakings with nature's miracle, it stinks.
i've thought about just getting another mattress for it, but i'll just wind up
with the same problem eventually. although, i think they pee on it now cause
they can smell the pee that's soaked into it...pee of the ages...retro pee...
so, considering my options, i think that i should just buy some sort of plastic
couch that would be impervious to pee...but no such magical couch seems to exist.
please, i implore you, if you find a plastic couch, let me know where you saw it
so i can go snatch it up before anyone else gets it (as i’m sure that IF such a
couch exists, there must only be one of them...and i can't be the only one
searching for this couch of wonder)
and now, on to my sordid tale of tears.
at work, we used to have a CRM (customer relationship management) system in
which a report could be run, telling me which customers hadn't been contacted in
the last 60, 90, 120 days so that i could contact them and stay current.
after initially getting caught up when i first started, i was never faced with a
list longer than about 30 people to contact and it was very easily maintained.
however (you knew that was coming), we have now switched to a new system (salesforce.com)
which doesn't run that kind of report, and since we have started using this
system, i have not been contacting the customers since i had no way of knowing
who hadn't been contacted.
flash ahead to the present, about 3 months of using salesforce.com under our
belts, and they have finally figured out a way of producing that report...thus
giving me a list of 700 customers to contact.
my suggestion was to send a mass email to all 700, thus catching me up, and then
staying on top of it with the reports that they would run for me.
but (and you knew that was coming as well), aparently it isn't that simple and
they have to tweak the program in order to do such a mass emailing and get it
recorded into the system...
i have gone to my boss (who is my greatest advocate here) and told him that i
really need that mass emailing capability cause the list is getting longer and
longer...
he has had me make the request of the person responsible for getting this done
again and again...and she keeps making excuses and saying that she's got a
meeting with so and so and they are working on it.
so (yes, i’m getting to the tears), yesterday, the guy in charge, matt, called
me into his office to discuss with the person in charge of getting this done and
administering our salesforce.com system, jennifer how to best get this done.
to say i was ambushed would be an understatement.
they were hammering me and asking me questions, and talking in circles...and i
was trying to make myself understood...but they just wouldn't understand what i
was saying, and matt just kept looking at me with a blank stare...and i grew
more and more frustrated...until the point that matt said "come on lisa, work
with us" as if i was being difficult, which i didn't feel like i was being...and
then the tears just started...i couldn't stop them.
which further pissed me off and made me more frustrated.
i was trying to get my point across..and i couldn’t understand what they were
saying to me...or rather, they wouldn’t understand what i was trying to say....and
i felt like i was 15 and my parents were yelling at me. i just wanted to find a
way to be able to contact all 700 customers in some kind of automated fashion
without having to do it one by one...which is going to take an exorbitant amount
of time and frankly, i have better things to do.
it was horrible!
finally, i asked them if they needed me further, and they said no and i left.
jennifer tried to hug me on my way out the door, but i just pushed passed her. i
wasn’t in the mood for hugging. i felt like they had just pushed me to the brink
and then kicked me when i was down, and now she wanted a hug??!!! wtf!
i was going to call in sick today but my eyes weren’t too puffy (as they tend to
get whenever i cry) so i came in.
i’m not sure if i’m going to say anything to my boss about it - I wanted to call
him yesterday after it had happened, but it felt too much like running to daddy
to tell on the bully - i'm still not sure what I’m going to do about it -
i’m just glad it’s christmas and i’ll have friday off.
December 23, 2004 041223_93.
have a holly jolly!
i cannot tell you how refreshing it is to not have to get involved in all the
holiday hubub....
to not have to venture forth into the malls, to not have to find a parking spot,
to not have to spend any money that could better be spent on rent and food. to
not have to wait in interminable lines with grouchy people who are spending
money that they don't have, trying to find that perfect gift for the person who
has everything. to not have to participate in a conusmer culture that puts more
value on what you have and how much stuff you can collect rather than the
content of a persons character.
it's a fabulous blessing! i may cancel christmas every year from here on out!
besides, it's much nice to buy people presents cause you want to, for unusual
reasons, rather than having to cause it's mandated by a holiday.
now, if i could just get over feeling lonely and sad that i have no christmas to
go to, all would be perfect!
actually, i'm kinda glad that i have no place to be and no where to travel to...it's
just gonna be weird on saturday morning...but i'll just treat it like any other
day.
any other day when everything is closed and there is nothing to do but watch
holiday programming...
i must remember to stock up on supplies and food before saturday so i'll at
least have something to eat...i wonder if taco bell is open on christmas day...
anyway, i'll take this opportunity to wish you all a very merry christmas, happy
kwanza, happy solstice, good (belated) hannukah, and a joyous new year. may all
your wishes for this holiday come true!
December 27, 2004 041227_57.
i want out of my skin!
do ya ever have days where you just don't feel clean, despite the fact that you
showered...? do ya??
today i feel all itchy and creepy...i just want to claw at my skin, which is dry
and greasy at the same time...and i look like crap to boot!
i'm just uncomfortable all around...my hair is bugging me, my face is bugging me...even
the air i'm breathing is bugging me...
this is probably one of those days that i should have stayed in bed.
and i'm craving coffee cake...you know, the kind with the ripple of cheesy
goodness that goes through it, with crumbles on it...and icing drizzled on top.
and at the same time, i'm craving tomatoes.
go figure.
please forgive me, i'm not feeling very coherent right now. i'm typing, and i
see the words coming up on the screen, but i'm at a bit of a loss as to how they
are getting there.
do ya ever have days like these??? huh??
and on top of all that weirdness, everyone's asking me what i did for the
holiday, how was my weekend, what did i get for christmas, etc...
when i tell them i didn't do anything for christmas...they just look at me like
they are feeling sorry for me, which doesn't help me from feeling sorry for
myself a little bit. i'll admit it, i was lonely.
on the upside, i got a holiday card from my best friend and there was the CUTEST
picture of the devine which i quickly put into a frame.
now i have her smiling face on my shelf at home and i can see it every day. i
swear, she is the smartest, cutest, wisest, funniest, most irreverent, most
quizzical, brilliant child on the face of the earth! i could eat her up in just
one bite!
December 29, 2004 041229_83.
i am who i am..
i’m so bad at reaching out to people - it’s horrible. i’m bad at keeping in touch,
bad at picking up the phone, bad at sending email - bad at making contact in
general.
once someone contacts me, i’m pretty good at responding (unless someone calls me) - but
for the most part, i won’t be the first one to “pick up the phone” so to speak.
it’s a horrible habit. that’s the only thing i can think to call it - because if i
made a little bit of effort, then i’d be better at reaching out.
and i’d probably keep more friends - cause i’m sure they get tired of reaching out
to me and eventually just fade away.
and i’m also horrible at accepting invitations.
you can invite me to come, but most likely - i won’t. which only makes you not
want to invite me the next time.
i have to be super duper comfortable with you in order for me to venture out of
my dwelling into the world to spend time with you - and God forbid if you invite
me to a party where i don’t know people or don’t feel comfortable. if i do go (and
it would take an act of God), i’ll probably leave early, making up some lame
excuse to go home and sit in my house or climb into my bed and sleep my life
away.
pathetic really -
i have no valid reasons for feeling sorry for myself in my loneliness - it’s all
of my own doing
i don’t know how i got to be such a solitary person. i used to be such a social
butterfly - flitting around from group to group - never really being a part of any
one clique, but being able to “visit” them all -
but i can see that never putting down “roots” with one group or another could be
problematic - i guess i’ve always been sort of a loner - but i’m tired of it and i
don’t know if i can change something that is so fundamentally me -
it’s funny - one day, you sort of wake up and realize - ”shit, i’m grown up - where
did all the time go??” and wonder how you got where you are and what happened to
all your childhood dreams and ideas about what your life would be like when you
grew up.
i have no compunction about admitting that i am more than a tiny bit
disappointed in the way my life turned out.
some of the things were completely out of my control (like my brother committing
suicide) and other things are things that i just fucked up on and it’s too late
to fix them now.
some things can (and should) be fixed, but i’m either not sure how to fix them,
or not willing to take on the tremendous effort it would take to make them right.
and i wonder also how i got so lazy - i wonder what could have been done
differently, by me or my parents, to make me a different person.
i guess it’s all kind of a moot point, really - cause i am who i am - and that’s all
that i am.
December 30, 2004 041230_5.
i am so pissed!
when it comes to money - I think i’m cursed.
maybe when i was a baby, some evil witch put a curse on my so that i would
always have difficulty with financial issues -
i’ve never been a good saver, and i love to spend - but the real trouble all
started way back when, 8 years ago when i declared bankruptcy after my divorce.
then about 7 years ago - i had a credit card with Hughes federal credit union - and
for some reason, became delinquent on my payments. they wound up calling me and
harassing me at my place of employment (which is against the law, but i didn’t
know that at the time). the person who made those calls was some man who’s name
i have erased from my memory - he was a complete asshole and would routinely
reduce me to tears by calling me names and telling me what a bad person i was (mind
you, while i was at work) -
so, in spite (as there was no reason to do this, since i was making payments),
he reported me to chex systems -
chex systems then contacted my bank and all of my accounts were summarily closed.
it is nearly impossible to open a checking or savings account once you’ve been
reported to chex systems. the only hope is if a credit union is willing to
overlook that reporting and open an account for you. which is what happened for
me.
then, when i moved to the bay area, i needed to find a new bank, cause the
credit union was only in aliso viejo and i had no access to any banks - fortunately,
i had an old IRA account at wells fargo that had .01¢ in it and because of that
open account, i was able to open a checking account at wells fargo (purely by
the grace of God!)
flash forward to today, when i go on-line to check my IRA and add money to it,
and i see it’s gone - so i call the bank, who informs me that it’s been closed.
why has it been closed i ask??
because it had less than 25 dollars in it and they just randomly decided to
close it.
so now i’m on the phone with the bank, trying to get my $20.01 refunded to me
and get my account opened back up. which now i’m finding out they won’t do. they
can just randomly close my account and take my money and i have no recourse
whatsoever!
i swear, i’m cursed!!! i know it!
January 03, 2005 050103_44.
just cause they say, "it takes a village"
doesn't mean i have to become the size of one
i hate forced decisions -
lemme expalain that.
what i mean is, like when people make decisions based on the date. “it’s january
1st, time to go on a diet or start and exercise program”
i had planned on going on a diet on january 1st. just like millions of others, i’m
sure. i bought this ridiculous one day diet thing, where you eat nothing but
these supplements on one day, then the next day is a food day, then a diet day,
then a food day, etc.
please spare me the scolding, i know it won’t work - i know that i have to
completely change my way of life, there’s no magic pill - but i was feeling
desperate, and in a moment of weakness, i thought i’d try it. besides, there’s a
money back guarantee - so what the hell do i have to lose? nothing but meaningless
pounds, right?
so anyway, the first was my drop dead day - the beginning of getting rid of all of
this excess and unsightly weight - but i’m just not motivated to start.
in fact, i have no interest in starting any kind of “weight loss plan” or
exercise regimen -
i just don’t wanna - i can’t explain it any other way.
and i know myself well enough to know that if i don’t wanna, i’m not gonna.
i know me - i’ll start, be good till about noon, then give up - it’s not even worth
trying until i feel ready. (which may be never)
i’m hopeless. and it doesn’t seem to matter that i cringe whenever i see some
thin body on the tv - or that i feel like a two ton tessie and i hate myself
beyond belief - i’m either not miserable enough yet, or just not ready.
or maybe i’ll never be ready and i’ll just have to accept myself as a heifer - and
buy a bunch of elastic waisted clothing and mumu’s to wear.
there could be benefits to that - i’d never have to share an elevator or a cab. no
one would be able to sit next to me at the movies. i’ll have to buy two plane
tickets, so i won’t have to worry about someone crowding me, cause i’ll have the
whole row. no one will want to date me, so i’ll never have to worry about buying
anyone a valentine, or sharing my ice cream. i already have a king size bed, so
when i get so fat that i can’t get out of it, at least there will be lots of
room for my fat rolls. and, by the time they have to cut me out of my house, i’ll
probably be dead.
and hey, there will be more surface area to tattoo -
so see, it’s not all bad, i guess -
someone remind me that i said that in a couple of weeks or so, when i’m down on
myself for being a cow and wanting to desperately lose weight - k?
oh, and FUCK kirstie alley! she went ahead and got fat, flaunted it by creating
her show fat actress...and now she's claiming that by the time the show airs,
she'll have lost 70 pounds (basically saying that being fat is not acceptable
and that there's something wrong with it...and that even she's not happy being
her size - which i can relate too - but instead of trying to be comfortable in
her skin, she's going to succumb to societal pressure and lose the weight.)
so fuck her! and the cake she rode in eating!
January 06, 2005 050106_74.
invisible
i feel like a ghost, floating through my own life.
here, but not really here. seen, but not really seen. certainly not living, but
merely existing, as though i were waiting for some indicator or some clue from
somewhere that would signal me to start living again.
nothing is really exciting. no highs - mostly lows - like a very low flying glider - slowly
losing speed and about to hit the ground.
i feel like i’m encased in molasses, every movement almost painful, slow,
deliberate. wanting to break free - but not quite caring enough to do so.
i was talking to a co-worker yesterday about depression and suicide. i told her
about how my brother killed himself - and how i’ve been medicated for depression
for almost 15 years now - how i’ve been in therapy and i know that i’m depressed - i
know it’s clinical - i know i’m bordering on being in real trouble.
i told her about how i think about killing myself a lot - but i wouldn’t because i
couldn’t do that to my mom and dad - after seeing what losing my brother did. i
wouldn’t because i couldn’t leave my animals with no one to take care of them - and
there’s no one who could love them as much as i do.
she asked me if those were the only reasons - "is that it????" she asked - "yeah",
i said. "that’s it".
is that bad? that i’m living for my parents and my babies? i really don’t see it
as bad - cause it’s keeping me here - but she intimated that somehow, it wasn’t
quite enough to tie me here -
i dunno - like i said before, right now, i feel like i’m sleepwalking through
things. in a perpetual fog.
i talked to my mom yesterday - actually, i wrote her an email telling her how sad
i feel and how helpless i feel about my weight and my life -
she said that because of all the rain, a giant sink hole had opened up and i had
fallen into it - and that by recognizing that i was miserable, i had taken the
first step to get out of it -
i don’t know if that’s the case - but i don’t feel like i’m moving forward - .i just
feel like i’m stuck. and sinking.
January 10, 2005 050110_87.
year in
review...sort of
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
i actually don’t think i did anything new and different this year - sadly -
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next
year?
i don’t make new years resolutions
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes, my friends joe and laura had another boy, now they have 3
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no, but a few of my mom and dad’s friend’s parents died, if that counts
5. What countries did you visit?
does Berkeley count as it’s own country?
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
some friends who live close to me. the strength of character and mental
fortitude it will take to pull myself out of this pit. and a huge weight loss
7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
no date specifically
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i got a raise -
9. What was your biggest failure?
me
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i had surgery to remove what we thought was a cancerous tumor - but it turned out
not to be cancer, thank God!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
i bought expo a new ball - which she loves - a new chair to replace my peed on couch - and
a nice camera
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my mom - she’s really stepped up to the plate lately and we’ve become really close.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my aunt marlene -
14. Where did most of your money go?
rent, the occasional tattoo, and pet care.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
festival
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
magical trevor
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
exercise and getting out there more to be with people
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
eating
20. How did you spend Christmas?
alone
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
no
23. How many one-night stands?
zip, zero, zilch.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
the practice or csi
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i don’t hate anyone - but there are some people who i strongly dislike
26. What was the best book you read?
the life of pi
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
girlyman
28. What did you want and get?
my digital camera
29. What did you want and not get?
will power
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
i’m not sure i have a favorite. the fact that i can remember absolutely no film
that i saw last year indicates that none of them were very good -
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 37 this year - .and i really didn’t do anything.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more social contact.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
early 80’s retro slob
34. What kept you sane?
my best friend
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
johnny depp’s hot - so’s angelina jolie.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the war
37. Who did you miss?
my best friend
38. Who was the best new person you met?
that’d hafta be lemondancy
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
that despite my depression and sadness - i am strong and capable and i’ll most
likely make it through this - and - that my mom’s a pretty good egg.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“i want to break free”
-Queen
January 11, 2005 050111_18.
the arbitrary nature of things...
today, i stopped at starbuck’s to get a coffee - and there was a homeless man out
front asking for money.
he asked me to give him my change after i came out of the store but i told him i
didn’t have any cash, i was using my starbuck’s card.
then he asked me for a hot cocoa - he said he was just trying to keep warm.
so i thought about it for about 1 second and decided that i’d get him a cocoa
and something to eat.
i ordered my venti americano - and got him a venti hot chocolate and a blueberry
muffin.
paid w/ my visa - cause my starbuck’s card only has about 3 bucks on it
when i gave it to him, he was so grateful! he said that most people look at him
like he’s a piece of trash.
so i patted him on the back and said, “well, you’re definitely not a piece of
trash!” and told him to enjoy his day -
he said, “God bless you” and i was off.
it was a nice way to start my day. and it made me grateful for all of my
blessings.
how different are we? that man and myself??? not that different - aside from the
color of our skin and our gender, we are exactly the same. it could easily be me
there on the bench in front of starbuck’s and him going in for his morning
coffee -
but just by virtue of my birth, and much good fortune to be born into the family
that i was born into - born into skin of privilege, born into middle class - born
into advantage, opportunity, freedom - just by virtue of those twists of fate - i am
the one paying for coffee and cocoa, and he is the one on the bench outside.
it’s completely random.
i think - that we cannot forget our humanity. we can’t for one second forget that
we are all exactly the same - no matter what.
last night, while channel surfing, i came across a movie called the hamburg cell
on hbo.
it’s an independent film by antonia bird about the events that led up to the
september 11th terrorist attacks.
it’s from the point of view of the terrorists themselves - what they were doing in
their lives prior to the attack. how they prepared, what they were learning, how
they were brainwashed to believe that by killing other people and themselves,
they would awaken in paradise with Allah. that jihad was their destiny.
it was an excellent film -
i actually felt sympathy for the characters - trying to understand what they did
from their perspective.
now, don’t get me wrong - i in no way condone what they did - i hate what they did - i
think it is the utmost evil -
but the movie actually gets you to care about the men - a little bit.
i feel like my emotions were played with - and i can’t stop thinking about that
film - what a terrible day that was - what a horrible act - and all in the name of God -
but again - how different are we from those men who carried out that horrific deed?
isn’t it just some strange twist of the cosmos that has us where we are and them
where they were?
just a sneeze and things could have been different - just a hairline movement in
the universe, and they could have been us, we could have been them.
it’s hard for me to have compassion for those men - they are murderers. killers.
evil.
but don’t i have to try to have empathy and love for them? don’t i have to try
to understand them? because they are me and i am them.
January 17, 2005 050117_89.
a spoiled girl in a disposable consumer world
i am in such a goofy mood - .brought on by the fact that i traded my old vw new
beetle in for a new gti 1.8 turbo.
it’s amazing how much an inanimate object can boost your mood.
the car kicks ass! it’s like a rocket! i initially insisted on a stick shift,
but they didn’t have one on the lot - they were going to order me one, but made me
a sweet offer on the automatic that they currently had in stock - so i drove it,
liked it and took it.
it’s completely loaded. power everything, leather seats, monsoon sound system w/
8 speakers, cd, and tape, ac, heated freakin’ seats!, 17 inch wheels, heated
windshield wiper nozzles so when the windows are frosted over, i can squirt warm
water on them - it’s the bomb-diddly!
i’m practically giddy!
this day is just zooming by - despite the fact that i have literally nothing to do!
it’s the car - i’m telling you! better than prozac!
all of you should feel this good! i say, new cars for everyone!
January 18, 2005 050118_4.
ass hat,
volume 2
some of the people i work with - ok, really just one person in particular, is so
contrary. every time you have to engage in some kind of dialog with him, he
attacks you. generally, you’re your basic ass-hat.
the trick is, just to ignore him - but he gets me every time!
he’s in accounting, and i have to deal with him on a daily basis. whenever i
submit an order to him, i get it back with some snide remark and a request for a
correction.
it doesn’t matter if i do it absolutely correctly - it will come back to me with
some sarcastic statement and an explanation of why i did it wrong. (even if i
didn’t).
suffice it to say, he’s a prick. he must be incredibly unhappy to me so
outwardly mean to everyone.
yeah, everyone pretty much has a problem with him - it’s not just me. there is a
general consensus that he is an ass. pretty much office-wide.
sad, that.
in other news, my jaw is KILLING me - .i grind my teeth at night and i used to
have a great mouth guard that my dentist made (at no small cost) - but i ground it
to pieces and can’t afford to replace it. i recently bought the “doctor’s night
guard” but that’s like wearing a gigantic squishy plastic ball in your mouth - and
i keep taking it out in the middle of the night. i know there’s a happy medium
somewhere - but i just haven’t found it yet.
i don’t have dental insurance - so i can’t really afford to find a new dentist and
get a new mouth guard - so, consequently, i wind up feeling like i chewed up a
large all terrain tire in the middle of the night.
still loving my new car - it now has 56 miles on it! oh, how they grow up so fast!
January 21, 2005 050121_80.
where
are we going (or rather, being taken)??!!
this is terrifying!!
January 24, 2005 050124_46.
thank
God for that car!
well, i made the decision to unlock my diary...we'll see if that was a foolish
mistake or not.
i'm hoping not!
things have been pretty good. i've been in a stellar mood since my car...which
seems to be carrying over quite nicely. i still love it!
i went into the city yesterday to join the 2005 dyke march committee. i hope i
get a spot on it. it looks like a good opportunity to become more involved in
the community, not to mention, a kick ass fun time!
i almost chickened out on going about 100 times...but the prospect of driving my
car got me motivated (true..as sad as that is)...so i went.
it wasn't bad at all...and i love driving in the city, so that was an added
bonus.
i also completed and sent my application for the masters program in forensic
psychology. i'm not going to get my hopes up, or get all excited about it until
i know if i've been accepted or not.
but i am a little bit excited about it, (truth be told, i'm a lot excited about
it).
anyway, nothing exciting to report...just here, doing my thing!
January 25, 2005 050125_56.
soon to be a four eyed freak
went to the eye doctor yesterday...he gave me a prescription for glasses (again).
i used to wear them, then i lost my specs, and went to the doctor to have them
replaced, and was told i didn't need them anymore...
hah!
well, i need them again.
i picked out some groovy black nerdy frames and now i just have to wait for them
to be made for me.
i ordered them online, cause it was much cheaper than buying them at kaiser...they
should be here next week.
but in the mean time, my eyes are killing me! with the combination of
fluorescent lighting and the computer screen...my little peepers hurt!
other than that....pretty bored at work...trying to fill time.
it's a shitty way to spend your life...filling time, but hey, the job pays the
bills...so i can't complain too much.
right?
right!
January 26, 2005 050126_64.
the state of the union - phooey!
the president gave a press conference this morning - i heard it on the radio while
i was driving to work.
i was hoping to be able to cut and past some of his more salient points her in
my diary, but i can’t find the transcript of it anywhere - so i’ll try to remember
what he said.
first of all, while i was listening, i was struck with an incredulity about how
in the world this man became president! who the fuck voted for him? he is
clearly an idiot - reading his speech slowly and deliberately as though this was
the first time he was even seeing it - occasionally stumbling on words (words that
he probably didn’t understand) -
he spoke at length about iraq and how we are doing such a great service by being
in their country and killing their people. he talked about his respect for the
bravery of the iraqi people and how he was sure that despite threats of death by
the insurgents, people would surely come out to vote and participate in
democracy. he talked about how things are so much better without sadam hussein
in power and how the world was so much safer for us having captured him.
he said that it is a grand moment in iraqi history. how these are exciting times
for the iraqi people!
all of this made me wonder what cave he’s living in - after reading river’s
journal and hearing about how they have no water or fuel, limited electricity,
limited food - how they are living in constant fear - how they are struggling -
how can mr. bush possibly claim that we have made things better for them??? how
can he think for one moment that they are excited about the life they are living
right now?? my only thought while listening to him was, “he’s high!”
if you go to whitehouse.gov - there is tons of propaganda about how we are
creating renewal in iraq - it’s sickening - it’s perverse, actually.
then he rambled on to speak about how when the united states has a purpose, we
are a better country - "I think America is at its best when it leads toward an
ideal, and certainly a world without tyranny is an ideal world," the president
said. "I firmly believe that free societies are peaceful societies." and said
something about how our purpose is to spread freedom and democracy, to make sure
that our country stands up for (his) values. he intimated that all people stood
for the same values and that those people who didn't stand for his values were
basically erasable -
i can’t find his actual words - and i’m having a very hard time articulating what
i’m trying to say - but it almost made me throw up, literally, hearing him speak.
he said that our own freedom is enhanced by the expansion of freedom in other
nations. as though we are the preeminent force in the world -
i was watching some show on pbs last night about al qaeda and their terrorist
acts in europe.
there were some very intelligent men, terrorism experts and analysts, a forensic
psychiatrist who has dedicated his life to tracking al qaeda and mapping it’s
cells -
they basically had utter disdain for the president and what he has to say about
terrorists. they think he is wrong and have the data to back up their findings.
he and therefore we are a joke to the rest of the world!
how the fuck did he get elected to a second term? thinking people everywhere
must have been kept from voting - or perhaps, they didn’t count the votes that
were against him - .only the one’s that were for him - .
i can’t think of any other explanation for it and i’m not sure how we are going
to survive the next 4 years!
January 27,
2005 050127_44.
now this makes me sad!
you know, i really get disgusted with all the “fat vilification” that goes on in
the world today.
i just got to work and was having a conversation with a male co-worker. he’s in
his late 60’s.
i was asking him about his day yesterday, he wasn’t at work. he said he had gone
to a funeral of a neighbor. he said that he had visited him a few weeks ago, and
“he was pretty uncomfortable. he’s kind of a big guy, ya know” -
he then went on to tell me that when he saw him in his coffin, “he looked great!
he had lost so much weight and he looked great!”.
i pointed out that he hadn’t lost weight because he wanted to, he had been
terribly sick. to which he said, “i know, but he looked great. he looked like he
was just taking a nap and if he were to get up, i’d’ve told him how great he
looked!”
yeah, he looks great - his horrible illness caused him to lose weight probably
because he couldn’t eat, or the medications made him sick - he suffered horribly - but
he looks great! yeah - but he’s DEAD!!!
i didn’t really want to push the point - he’s old - set in his ways - and he really
doesn’t get it, no matter how many subtle hints i drop or blatant discussions we
have - in his mind, it’s not ok to be fat. i wonder if he feels sorry for me - cause
i’m fat -
it also reminds me of another person i know from michigan who has cancer.
she weighed 250 pounds and was quite happy being fat. she enjoyed her body and
didn’t think there was anything wrong with it.
since being diagnosed, she’s lost about 120 pounds, mostly cause it’s been too
painful to eat or she couldn’t keep anything down.
people are always telling her how great she looks! (intimating that she looks
better now than she did when she was fat).
i’d imagine that they are taken aback when they ask how she did it and she tells
them, “cancer”.
i can just hear people saying, “oh my - well, you look great” as though that was a
consolation to being so ill.
she’s lost the use of her eyes, she can’t eat much, she’s in constant pain - but
she looks good.
people have a fucked up value system! seriously!
January 28, 2005 050128_8.
Searchin' in the sun for another overload
lately, i've been waking up with songs in my head.
not really in my head per se...but acutally singing them...
the most frequently sung morning tune is, "I am the lineman for the county",
which, since i only know that one line, is all that comes out of my mouth.
this morning, it was something else, but since i started writing this, i can't
remember what it was...cause now i have the wichita lineman song going through
my head.
i also have been shouting things out when the alarm goes off lately.
things like, "not now" or "it's not ready yet". yesterday, i just said "fuck
it".
i'm not sure what this means...if it means anything at all...unless, i have
suddenly turned into a raging glenn campbell fan without any provocation...
frightening, that...
February 01, 2005
050201_57.
it's going to be ok..it' s going to be ok...it's going to be ok...
nicky
is at the doctor again. he’s constipated. the dr. said that he had about two and
a half inches of feces stuck in his bowels. the poor guy.
i came home last night and he was in the litter box, trying to go, vomiting - so i
scooped him up and took him to the V-E-T (we don’t say that word in my house, we
only spell it).
i had to leave him over night, and i fully expected to call this morning and be
able to pick him up - but the doc said that he didn’t pass anything last night,
despite having an enema, so she was going to give him another one and if that
didn’t work, they’ll have to anesthetize him and go in there and get it out.
the reason that he has such difficulties is due to the fact that he was hit by a
car about 5 years ago and he has nerve damage in and around his pelvic area,
which makes it difficult for him to "go".
it makes me feel so sad - the other cats don’t really understand why he’s gone - although,
they’ve been through it before.
makes me think about losing him, and how i don’t know if i’d survive that - he
means so much to me! my brother gave him to me - after he had died - i know, that
sounds bizarre - but it’s true.
kevin brought nicky to me. kevin had a cat named nicky who ran in front of a car
after kevin committed suicide.
my nicky is an exact duplicate of kevin’s nicky - identical. i found my nicky tied
to a fence in the rain outside my then girlfriend’s apartment. he was just a
tiny kitten. if he would have fallen off the fence, he would have been hung. i
took him off the fence and he snuggled into me and started purring super loud,
just like kevin’s nicky used to do.
i don’t want to lose my nick. i love him so much and he is my connection to
kevin -
i just have to think good thoughts - he’s going to be ok. he’s a strong healthy
boy and there is no reason that he won’t come home to me.
amen.
February 01, 2005 050201_17.
another twofer...
borrowed from jess via molly
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1) lisa
2) ellie
3) lis
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1) chnacat
2) chnacatlbk
3) lbkraft
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) my eyes
2) my sense of humor (i’m pretty funny)
3) my intelligence
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1) my body
2) the fact that i’m a hermit/loner
3) my looks (in general, i think i’m pretty fugly)
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1) russian
2) english
3) jewish
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1) being alone in life (no family)
2) losing any of my animals
3) indecision with regard to my future
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1) coffee
2) diet pepsi
3) jeans (did i mention coffee?)
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1) jeans
2) tomboy girl t-shirt
3) my black rubber clogs
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1) girlyman
2) indigo girls
3) grateful dead
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
1) amaze me by girlyman
2) everything on the ig’s newest album
3) a great live version of help>slip>franklin’s
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1) getting back into yoga
2) a house cleaning regime that i’ll stick to
3) ?? how sad is that!!! i just don’t know!
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1) loyalty
2) honesty
3) chemistry
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1) i speak 7 languages
2) i love tofu in all of it’s forms
3) my hair is pink, purple and black
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1) genuine smile
2) soulful eyes
3) gregariousness
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1) lose weight
2) lie about anything for any length of time
3) hurt anyone physically
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1) reading
2) listening to music
3) loving on my babies (my dogs and cats)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1) go home and get in bed
2) go home and get in bed
3) go home and get in bed
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1) forensic psychologist (i start my masters program in the spring)
2) criminologist
3) tattoo artist
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1) israel
2) egypt
3) vegas
THREE KID'S NAMES:
1) sam
2) elijah
3) noah
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1) learn to love myself
2) travel some more
3) meet someone and fall in love
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1) i wear jeans and t-shirts and i don’t care
2) never wear make-up
3) throw all my dirty clothes on the floor and expect someone else to pick them
up
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK :
1) i obsess about my weight
2) i love cute outfits (and wish i could wear them)
3) i cry at sad movies (and commercials, and tv shows and stories, etc.)
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1) johnny depp
2) angelina jolie
3) winona ryder
February 03, 2005
050203_14.
the horror....the horror! (part deux)
in watching this pbs programming about auschwitz and the nazi death camps of
world war two...it struck me that there was so much complicity from other
surrounding courtries. poland, hungary, russia. they just handed over their jews,
as though the were a useless part of society, yet still a comodity that was
valuable to the germans if only because they wanted to exterminate them.
countries traded their jews for what amounts to political favors. jews were used
as a workforce, used up, gassed, and burried in mass graves, or incinerated.
thrown away like so much garbage.
these are my ancestors. my relatives who i would never meet or learn about
because they were extinguished in the prime of their lives...because they were
jews.
amazing. and yet the same type of thing is happening in the world today and no
one is doing anything to stop it. ethnic cleansings, genocide, mass executions,
rape and torture of womyn and children...all because they are seen as a lower
class of creature, not even human...all because they are a different religion,
or a different ethnicity.
how can we as people of conscious let this go on in the world? shouldn’t we be
screaming to make it stop? howling at the top of our lungs until there is no
more of this kind of behaviour? if we all wail together, there would be a sound
so great and terrible that they would have to stop the killing.
and yet here we are in iraq. under the guise of setting up a democracy...under
the guise of making the world safe from terrorists...while in other parts of the
world that are perhaps less valuable because they don’t have natural resources
we can exploit, in those parts of the world, another more sinister kind of
terror is taking place...and we sit silently.
croation, rwanda, sudan, kashmir, pakistan, ukraine...too many places in too
recent history...
we must remember our past indiscretions or we will be forced to repeat them, and
we can’t sit idly by and watch from afar, or there will be no one left when they
come for us!
and on a happier note, nicky came home from the V-E-T and seems to be doing fine.
he's a LOT thinner...but he's eating, so he should fatten up a bit soon.
they also gave me some medicine to give him so that this doesn't happen again.
thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts! i love you guys!!! i
really do!!
February 06, 2005 050206_44.
the
vast and empty
i wonder if lonliness, so profound, is actually palpable.
i wonder this as i kill time wandering through the elephant pharmacy, looking at
lip balms and glosses too expensive for my empty wallet.
i wonder this as i browse the bead store, looking for the perfect silver beads
to put in my hair.
i think, "if it is tangible, is it blatant? can people tell just by looking at
me how alone and sad i am?"
i try to hide it...but it only brings me to the edge of tears, so i stop.
i go to the berkeley bowl and find it to be insanely crowded.
i contemplate just leaving, but decide to get what i came for, bread and cheese.
i find my food items and get in line, smiling at people as we bump into each
other...chatting with someone about a lady's crazy behavior in the parking lot...feeling
hollow, and yet at the same time, desperate for the human connection.
i get back in my car and drive home. i park, wave to my neighbor, and get safely
inside.
safe behind my door,
safe in my lonliness.
safe in my sorrow.
oh two/oh eight/oh
five 050208_89.
the me i am and the me i want to be, sort of...
i’ve come to realize that i’m not a very nice person.
i’m short and somewhat snippy with certain people at work for no real reason
other than i don’t particularly like them.
i’m not quite sure why - i manage to be friendly to most other people, but with a
select handful of people, i’m just mean.
not blatantly mean - .like spitting in their coffee or anything like that. but
just kind of non-attentive and short.
i don’t like that about me.
and in other news sports fans -
i have my syllabus for my first class and i already have 2 papers due, one
before the first class -
can we say - .panic???
at least i won’t be spending my weekends just laying around and sleeping..
the good thing is, in reading the syllabus, i’m actually excited about writing
these papers and doing the reading. it’s actually something that fascinates me
and holds my attention. in a weird way, i can’t wait for my books to get here so
i can start reading.
i have plans to go to the local starbuck’s with my laptop and my books and study.
i wonder how long they let you sit there? i should probably go to the library or
something -
anyway, that’s all there is that’s fit to print -
for now -
oh two/ ten/ oh five 050210_11.
the living, the dead and the little jumping dog
well, hello there my finely feathered friendlies -
i’m in a sort of a chipper mood, although i’m not sure quite why. things are
pretty much status quo.
my landlord has yet to deposit my rent check - so it looks like i actually have
money in my checking account - when really, i don’t.
java has taken to jumping off the landing on the stairs that lead up to my back
door in order to get into a part of the yard that is fenced off from the dogs. i’m
afraid he’s going to break his leg, it’s a good 7 foot jump and he’s fearless.
so, today, i’m going to home depot to buy some mesh or screen or something to
block off the area he jumps from.
speaking of the home depot, i used to rent from this old couple, peggy and ken.
ken was about 406, but he still insisted on making all necessary repairs himself
(until he realized that i was capable of doing them, and then he’d just
supervise).
anyway, he calls the home depot the home de-PO, with the emphasis on po instead
of de. so he said it like it rhymed with Renault (pronounced reh-No). so every
time i say or think about the home depo, i hear it in his voice saying, “dePO” -
weird -
and speaking of Renault, remember the Renault lÈ car? it was around in the late
70’s, early 80’s
i had a teacher in high school that had one - it was white and he was a flaming
gay man. i’m not sure what brought that memory flooding back.
so, as you can see, i pretty much have nothing to say.
my first paper is about the media’s concept of victims and perpetrators, so i
have to pick a high visibility case to write about.
so far, these are the one’s i’ve come up with, i just have to narrow it down to
one (or possibly two):
Matthew Sheppard Murder
Mark David Chapman ñ Murder of John Lennon
Mary Kay Letourneau ñ Vili Fualaau
Martha Moxley Murder
David Koresh
John List
Susan Smith
i just emailed the professor to ask if i could use two or more cases and compare
and contrast the way they were handled in the media.
if you can think of any prominent cases - please feel free to give me some
suggestions.
cheers!
oh two/twelve/oh five 050212_65.
in search of wi-fi
so, here i am, sitting in a cafe on piedmont ave. with my laptop and it's lovely
wireless connection, my books, my highlighter pen and my now empty coffee mug.
pathetically, i drove around for almost an hour, looking for a starbuck's or the
like to sit down, plug in, and gel out...but alas, i live in a town where you
can't park any-freakin'-where without paying for it...
the starbuck's i originally intended to go to had no place to park...so i drove
around, looking for another one...but i was in berkeley, and all the parking
meters were an hour only...so i drove through rockridge and piedmond, looking
for a place to go...
finally, i found a place...rooz coffee shop...they have wi-fi, good coffee, good
scones, and yummy food. it's a nice atmosphere, you can sit here for 3 hours and
type or read or whatever.
i found it when i was driving down the street looking for a place to go...i saw
a bunch of people at their laptops...so i stopped.
the meter ate about 60 cents...but i've been here since 11:15, and it's now 1:20...my
meter runs out at 1:30 so my time's just about up.
i think, next time (maybe tomorrow), i'll try the public library...no music
playing, probably no wi-fi, but i'll definitely get more reading done than i did
today.
i'm not stressing about it though, cause i've had a thoroughly enjoyable time
sitting here...and since today was basically an experiment, i'd say that it was
successful and that makes me happy.
other than that...not much else to report.
oh!!!
i almost forgot...i washed and waxed my floors yesterday when i got home from
work and they look MAH-VELOUS!!!
so, now, not only do i have my lovely babies to go home to, but a nice clean
place with shiney floors.
life is good!
oh two/fifteen/oh five
050215_11.
candy and murder
some thoughts on valentines day on the day after valentines day.
usually, i must say, i HATE february 14th. i have since i was in grade school - the
making of the decorated brown paper bag to be the receptacle for all of the
valentines you get from your classmates, the mandatory delivery of valentines to
everyone in your class, (despite the fact that you loathe some of them and you
know that they loathe you.) the knowledge that you got mostly crappy valentines - because
it WAS mandatory to give to everyone and not to leave anyone out - .knowing that
you saved the “cool” valentines for the people you considered cool, or your
friends and gave the crappy one’s to the people you didn’t like - again, knowing
that you got mostly crappy valentines -
it was a painful day.
it still is.
when you don’t have a valentine - and everyone around you seems to have one - people
in the office get flowers, or candy - all i got was a valentine card from my mom
and dad.
now don’t get me wrong, that was really nice of them - but it was tantamount to
getting a bag full of mandatorily given crappy valentines. ya know?
the only thing good i can say about the hallmark created holiday is that the day
after valentines day, all the v-day candy goes on sale. this includes the pink,
red and white m&m’s -
frankly, it’s a boon to chocaholics and crappy eaters everywhere - cheap(er) candy.
it’s the same thing with easter and halloween -
as a jew, i was always intensely jealous of my christian friends on easter - they
all got baskets full of candy and eggs - then i grew up and realized that the day
after easter, all that candy goes on sale - so it wasn’t so bad anymore.
in more relevant happenings, it looks like i’m all registered for school - now i
just have to wait for (and pray that i get) my financial aid.
i’ve started my paper - i’m attempting to write about the sociological phenomenon
that was the oj simpson trail and i’ll write about scott and lacey as well.
the one good thing about this topic is that there is an abundance of information
out there to choose from.
ok, that’s not really good, it’s incredibly sad - but you know what i mean, right?
oh two/seventeen/oh five 050217_58.
the idiocy of a nation
on the way to work this morning, i heard another press conference with the big W
and had to turn it off because what he was saying was making me sick!
the man can't answer a question without saying "um, uh, let me see..." about a
gazillion times...like he's stalling till the answer comes to him...which
generally takes a long time.
hasn't he heard that when you are speaking in public, you don't "uh" and "um"...it
makes you look like an idiot...ok, nevermind...
and the man says nu-CU-lar...
anything he does to destroy the fabric of democracy in our country is our own
fault for electing him (of course i didn't vote for him, and i know you didn't
either...but you know what i mean)
he's going to ruin social security...he's going to continue to sully the
american name throughout the world...he's a walking, mumbling, fear mongering
moron!
ugh!
i give up.
oh two/twenty two/oh five 050222_96.
on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being best...er..worst...
ok, so today’s entry is a little on the morbid side - but let’s face it - i think
about not living quite a lot. it’s a pervading thought - even when things are “good”.
i’m sure it’s a result of my ever present (clinically diagnosed) depression and
it’s definitely the reason that i’ve been on anti-depressant medication for
almost 13 years.
so, today i was having a discussion about it with my best friend and i came up
with this scale - i’ll call it the suicidal scale for lack of a better term. (i
really don’t think that there is a better term - so we’ll stick with that, k?)
i’m generally around a 2 or a 3 depending on the day -
so, where do you fall on the scale???
1 ñ i want to die, but i’m just not interested in actually going through with it
2 ñ i want to die, i’d consider it - but i’d rather be sleeping
3 ñ dieing is a better alternative to this miserable existence, but there’s a
good show on tv right now, so maybe later
4 ñ i’ve picked out what i want to be buried in - i just have to lose 20 pounds or
so to fit into it.
5 ñ i’m planning my own funeral - i’ve called around for the best pricing on
caskets and flower arrangements
6 ñ i’ve responded to all the spam ads for vicodin, xanax, codeine, oxycontin,
and viagra
7 ñ i’ve maxed out all my credit cards by going on a wild spending spree, buying
a bunch of stuff that i can give away
8 ñ i’ve been practicing being dead by laying very still for hours at a time and
inviting all the people i know over for a “viewing”
9 - i’ve got all the pills together and mixed myself a coctail
10 ñ i swallowed all the pills and i’m just waiting for someone to find my body
oh two/twenty three/ oh five 050223_55.
mmmmm.....frappuccino
i forgot to go to starbuck’s today.
i went to sleep thinking about a java chip frappuccino..and i forgot to go get
one this morning.
howz that for boneheaded. and now, sitting here, that’s all i want - but i don’t
feel like going to get one.
getting up, going down stairs, getting in my car, driving to sbux, going in,
getting my drink, driving back (making sure not to spill in my new car), going
up the elevator, using my electronic key, going back into the office, etc - i’m
exhausted just thinking about it.
on a less chocolaty note - i turned in my first paper today.
i sent it to the professor for review and suggestions and he told me that it was
really good, made a couple of formatting suggestions and said he looked forward
to working with me!
and on an even less chocolaty note, my mother keeps asking me if i’m going to
some kind of trade school. she doesn’t believe me that i’m enrolled at an
accredited university. she gets these emails about getting your degree online
overnight from some shady website or another - she’s convinced that’s where i’m
going.
i’ve told her numerous times. but still she persists in thinking that i’m some
major moron
alright enough of that nonsense -
let’s think of chocolaty things -
and here's a pic of my new glasses for your viewing pleasure...please ignore my
pastiness and the bovine nature of my face.
oh two, twenty eight, oh five 050228_31.
i stink, therefore, i am...
so, i woke up this morning and took nicky to the vet again. he’s constipated,
again - they think he might be obstipated (some super duper kind of constipation) -
apparently though, it can be treated medically so we won’t have to go to the vet
every month to get him unplugged (or, pooped out, as my mother likes to say).
but, consequent to the fact that i had to get up and take him to the vet right
away, i didn’t take a shower this morning (which i thought would be fine, cause
i took one late yesterday afternoon).
i sprayed some extra body spray on, just to be safe.
so, anyway, i finally get to work and i asked my co-worker if she had some
stamps i could buy - she informed me that she was going to the post office, and
would i like to join her.
i figured that it’d be better for me to just buy stamps from the post office
rather than take them from her and have to pay her later - so i said yes, i’d go
with her. i was secretly hoping that we could swing by sbux on the way back to
the office.
so, she’s ready to go - and i get up and we go downstairs and walk through the
parking lot, when i realize with horror that she intends to walk to the post
office! i protest - .but she says, c’mon, it’ll be good for you.
so i walk with her (she’s power walking, and i’m trying to slow her down as best
i can). by the time we get to the post office, i’m schvitzing like crazy - which i
mention to her and she says, “really??? it’s not even hot out!”. to which i
explain, “andrea, i’m fat, fat people sweat when they exercise!”
she just laughed that off..
we finished our business and walked back and now i’m sitting her, trying to cool
off - and incredibly stinky! i feel completely self conscious about it! the fat
girl - all sweaty and smelly...nice!
if only i’d taken a shower this morning!!!! if only!!!!
grrrrrr - .
and, when you get up in the mornin' and see this formation in the clouds...just
turn around and get back in bed...it's not gonna be a good day!
oh three/oh one/oh five 050301_34.
the faster you go, the rounder you get
the shower -
a versatile place
a place for cleaning, and rinsing
a place for relaxing and washing off all of the days stresses
a fertile place for thought
this morning, in the shower, i was thinking about my papers for my victimology
class. i was thinking about APA format specifically and was wondering what would
happen if you put a bogus reference in your list, just to see if the professor
reads them. something akin to “this is to take up space” -
which led me to the following memory
this
this is
this is to
this is to take
this is to take up
this is to take up space
annoyingly, i used to sign that in people’s yearbooks in the 6th or 7th grade.
what an ass i was -
in other news, nicky is at the vet again. i brought him in because he was
constipated but it turns out that he is obstipated and they are going to have to
knock him out and digitally remove all the poop from his colon.
aside from the fact that it is bound to be incredibly uncomfortable for nick, it
is going to cost me $500.00.
i was talking to my mother about it last night and she intimated that perhaps it
would be better to put the cat down, after all, this must be affecting his
quality of life - and if he can’t poop, then, well, he should die. i suggested
that after she returns from her upcoming trip to italy, we should put her down.
that way we can avoid any complications due to age that may come up in the near
future.
i’m waiting for a call from the vet to see how he is - i’ll keep you posted.
oh three/oh two/oh five 050302_68.
and now, for your viewing pleasure!
nicky update ñ he had the de-obstipation surgery and the dr. said he’s doing
fine. i’m picking him up today - he’s going to need to be on special medicine and
i’m going to have to pay close attention to his poop -
also....for today, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2nd ONLY...don't miss out!!! free ice cream
today, for your viewing pleasure - some interesting things to look at and observe.
remember, things are not always as they appear!
how many horses can you see??
there are 7
not just one buck in this picture -
there are 4 people in this picture!
a portrait of a face?
or the word liar?
do you see a bunch of black sploches??
or do you see the word LIFT??
oh three/oh four/oh five 050304_21.
me, myself, and i...a conversation between friends
ok, so i'm in the shower this morning...and i said, "i don't want to get out, i
could stay in here all day"
to which i answered, "but if you don't get out and stay in all day, you'll be
all pruney"
"yes", i said, "and i'll probably still be pruny tomorrow when i go to school
and every one will call me prune face"
(riotous laughter)
i open the door to the shower...no one is standing there ready to take me to the
loony bin...it's safe, i get out.
is this normal? i wonder (again, out loud)
by this time, expo has come into the bathroom trying to get me to throw the ball
for her so i'ts more like i'm talking to her...and not to myself.
i ask her, "is this normal?"
she doesn't answer
"ok, i'll drop it", i said (to expo)
at which point she dropped her tennis ball.
oh three/oh seven/oh five 050307_24.
forensic catology
i went to school this weekend! it was G-R-E-A-T!! i loved it! i feel like i’m
definitely in the right place doing the right thing!
it wasn’t even bad sitting in one room from 9 to 6 all weekend. and i dig my
professor, he’s young and super knowledgeable and very smart. it’s a good thing!
in other news - nicky’s back at the vet again this morning, he’s still not pooping.
the vet said that our options are increasing (and adding additional) medication,
and if that doesn’t work, surgery to reduce the length of his colon (which may
or may not work). honestly, i’m just not sure what to do. i mean, i want to do
everything in my power to help nick. i can’t imagine not having him in my life.
and he’s a happy boy, he’s not suffering - so there is no reason not to keep
trying to fix him - but it’s getting super expensive (again ñ i’m still paying off
the first vet from when he got hit by a car) and i’m just not sure how to deal
with all of this.
on an incredibly sad note, socar’s rat stella passed away quite suddenly and
unexpectedly. it seems so random - i’m hoping it’s not some crazy kind of omen! i
seriously don’t know what i’d do if i lost nicky.
for those of you who don’t know the story about nick, here it is in extremely
condensed fomat.
i had a brother. he was adopted at birth when i was almost 5.
we had a cat named nicky who was our cat (mine and kevin’s) but when i went (got
shipped) to boarding school, he became kevin’s cat
Kevin and nicky had some kind of weird psychic bonds - they were extremely close
in 1989, kevin committed suicide about a month away from his 18th birthday
nicky ran out in front of a car after Kevin died
flash forward to 1997, i was walking to work at the health food market and
stopped at my (then) girlfriend’s house for coffee (we lived down the street
from each other). when i approached her house, there was this tiny black and
white kitten with a rope around it’s neck and the other end of the rope was
wedged into the fence that it was sitting on (if he would have fallen, he would
have hung himself). my ex gf was outside in her bathrobe looking at this cat, it
was raining. i took the cat off the fence and he snuggled into me and started to
purr very loudly. he was identical to my brother’s cat nicky.
so, it is my belief that my brother sent me that cat - and that is why i named him
nicky.
my nicky was hit by a car and it required 6 surgeries (and $6000.00) to get him
all fixed up again. this constipation problem is most likely a result of that
injury.
so, you can see, nicky is extremely important to me - not only is he a great and
lovey cat, but he is my last tangible, physical connection to my brother - and i’m
terrified of losing him.
oh three/oh eight/oh five 050308_64.
it's a good day to be a girl!
first of all, happy international women's day to you!
and second of all, the following is something i recieved in an email at work
this morning. it was a spam email for something, i'm not sure what because the
images didn't show up...(probably porn)
but this is the text that was in the email...
Ate logo Fate keeps on happening.
Never forget what you need to remember. Let's win one for the Gipper.
Design is not for philosophy -- it's for life.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and
water.
You must pre-live the future... not re-live the past... and savor the moment.
It is no longer enough to be lusty. One must be a sexual gourmet.
The car has become an article of dress without which we feel uncertain, unclad,
and incomplete.
The courage we desire and prize is not the courage to die decently, but to live
manfully.
Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you will always find someone
else to do it for you.
Children are given to us to discourage our better emotions.
The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and
change.
See in what peace a Christian can die.
Strange to see how a good dinner and feasting reconciles everybody.
Football strategy does not originate in a scrimmage: it is useless to expect
solutions in a political campaign.
The 1980s are to debt what the 1960s were to sex. The 1960s left a hangover. So
will the 1980s. There is nothing permanent except change.
It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences
of dodging our responsibilities.
interesting, huh???
oh three/ten/oh
five 050310_15.
all the poop that's fit to print.
good day - good day.
it is a good day.
yesterday it was a bad day. it looked like nicky was going to have to have a
subtotal colectomy (removal of most of the colon). things were grim. on monday,
he was constipated again and the vet had done 2 enemas and then sent us home - still
no poop. but i took him back to the vet yesterday and saw the dr. that had
performed his de-obstipation surgery and she suggested that they would give him
several enemas until he pooped - not just two (one in the early morning and one in
the evening as had been done on monday by the other vet).
i brought nicky in at noon, and he was home by 5, all pooped out - surgery averted,
for now.
hopefully, with the increased doses of medication, we won’t have to go down that
road at all.
i was so relieved.
there was another girl that was there dropping off her dog. she thought he might
have cancer and was close to tears. i gave her a hug and told her not to worry,
things would work out the way they were supposed to - told her about my cancer
scare and that sometimes what looks like cancer, isn’t cancer. also that they
have lots of treatments and medications now. i was talking a mile a minute - i
probably came off like some kind of freak - but oh well.
now i just have to keep a close eye on nick and make sure he’s eating and
pooping. i hate having to give him so much medicine, and i’m sure he hates
taking it all - but if it’ll help him, then so be it.
oh three/ten/oh five 050310_43.
holy shit!
they just posted the performance schedule for the michigan womyn's music
festival
my hands are shaking so much right now i can't type!!
Tuesday
ACOUSTIC STAGE
Novak ëN Goode
Julie Goldman’s Third Party
Wednesday
ACOUSTIC STAGE
Slanty Eyed Mama
Singer Songwriter Spotlight featuring Nini Camps, Nadine Goellner & Amy
Steinberg
NIGHT STAGE
Opening Celebration
Alive! 30 Years of Rock Chix Lix
Thursday
DAY STAGE
Round Robin
God-Des
P·prika
ACOUSTIC STAGE
Novak ëN Goode
Julie Goldman’s Third Party
NIGHT STAGE
Bitch
Gail Ann Dorsey
Ferron
Le Tigre
Friday
DAY STAGE
Sistas in the Pit
Animal Prufrock
Tribe 8
ACOUSTIC STAGE
Hanifah Walidah in "Black Folks Guide to Black Folks"
Mary Watkins
Dance Brigade
NIGHT STAGE
Elvira Kurt
Holly Near
BETTY
Indigo Girls
Saturday
DAY STAGE
Yvette Narlock
Nedra Johnson
Ember Swift
ACOUSTIC STAGE
Ulali
Teresa Trull and Barbara Higbie
Topp Twins
NIGHT STAGE
Suzanne Westenhoefer
Cris Williamson
The Butchies
Toshi Reagon & Big Lovely
Sunday
DAY STAGE
The return of Circus Fever! with Wise Fool New Mexico and LAVA
ACOUSTIC STAGE
Drumsong Orchestra with Ubaka Hill
One World Inspirational Choir with Aleah Long
Candlelight Concert with Ruth Barrett
oh three/fourteen/oh five 050314_8.
why do it in an hour if you can get it done in 5 minutes?
sorry so long no update - i just waned to leave the schedule up for a long time so
lots of people could see it.
there’s actually nothing new or exciting to report, to be perfectly honest.
i went back to eating raw on saturday, so far, so good. the only thing icky
about it is that i haven’t had any coffee since friday - but i’ll get over it.
i ultimately feel better when i eat this way. so i’m looking forward to the
weight coming off and the feeling better in my skin. soon, i hope i’ll be able
to do yoga again (i can’t do Ω the poses right now cause my tummy gets in the
way). did i just say that publicly??
nicky seems to be doing fine, although he HATES taking his medicine, and really,
who could blame him. i “think” he’s been pooping, but i haven’t seen any in the
litter box, which could be for a variety of reasons, the primary one being that
the dogs probably ate it.
i know, that’s incredibly foul - it turns my ample stomach just thinking about it - but
it’s one of life’s cold hard truths - dogs eat cat shit out of the litter box.
better for you to accept it now than live with a lie.
i’m about to register for the summer term for school. i’m actually doing this! i
couldn’t be happier about it. although, i must say that i do feel like a bit of
a fraud. (which is nothing new for me - )
i barely skim the books and my papers are just so-so - in my opinion, although the
professor seems to like them, which is all that matters really.
i know at some point, i’ll really have to buckle down and study, for real - but i
have yet to do so.
i wonder sometimes how i made it this far. i was sure that my college was going
to find out that i didn’t really try that hard and come take my degree away -
same thing for social work school, when i was getting my msw, which i didn’t
finish - i got a 4.0 gpa - i was sure that someone was going to find out that i didn’t
really try - and rescind that - .
but no - they didn’t.
lucky for me i guess. but at some point, i have to stop skating through life - ya
know?
my parents should have named me “short-cut”
oh three/fifteen/oh five 050315_32.
it's not always how you thing it's going to be not much to say. just working. i
got my student loan disbursement refund check yesterday. i was expecting it to
be about 4 thousand bucks and i've been counting on that money for several
things that i need and need to pay.
the check was for $1024.00
i'm fucked. i don't know how i'm going to pay off the things i need to pay off.
not to mention that i won't be able to afford to pay for summer session (which
is mandatory in my program). i totally thought i was getting more money.
i'm going to have to figure out a way to work this out, but it's causing me some
tremendous stress, to say the least.
in other news...nicky seems to be doing fine. he's pooping, which is all we
could hope for. hopefully, we can avoid surgery.
other than that, things are pretty much status quo. i started eating raw again
on saturday and so far so good. i need to get myself a dehydrator though, so i
can start making some recipes because i can tell you that eating only plain
fruits and veggies is going to get old soon. i need some variety and i have a
great un-cookbook w/ tons of great recipes in it.
i did make some yummy juice though, i'm having it for lunch. it's got beets,
spinach, celery, carrots, lemon and grapes. it's not pretty...it almost looks
like chocolate...but it's got sort of a greenish hue to it...i wonder what the
people at work think when the open the fridge and see it sitting there!
oh three/sixteen/oh five 050316_60.
blink or swim
it’s funny, ya know? i am sitting here at work, bored to tears (almost literally),
and thinking that i want to go home!
“but what would i do when i got home?” i thought to myself.
“well, i’d get back in bed and go to sleep”, i thought back to myself.
“ok, so you’d get back in bed, that’s not very productive, it’s a beautiful day
out, why would you want to sleep it away?”
“i dunno” - can’t think of anything better to do.”
“well, that’s a sorry state of affairs, you should write about it in your diary”.
“ok, fine - i will”
so, here i am - writing about how badly i want to leave work and go home to bed.
my poor dogs - i am such a horribly mother - i spend so little time playing with
them and so much time sleeping with them.
i really should take them out - but the dog park by my house is basically under a
freeway overpass - it’s all concrete and rocks and expo gets her pads all cut up
whenever we go there.
alas and alaska
i keep thinking that i should move. for a variety of reasons which i shall now
enumerate:
1) my street is INCREDIBLY noisy. people are constantly drag racing or driving
their ATV’s up and down the street - .doing wheelies and screeching the brakes.
also, my neighbors have friends who enjoy the kind of music that is all bass and
makes their cars rattle - so all you can hear is that horrible thumping when they
drive up and down the street and then decide to just pull up in front of my
house all thumpy and loud. it’s horrible.
2) the couple that just moved into the apartment next to me smoke an incredible
amount if pot. this would be fine if i wasn’t 9 years sober and don’t
particularly want to smell my former drug of choice on a constant basis
3) i have no yard for the dogs to play in. they are basically cooped up in the
house and let out a few times a day to pee - but there is no place for them to
play in the yard or anything
4) i sometimes don’t feel safe there. it’s a very, shall we say “urban”
neighborhood
5) it’s expensive
so, i’ve been looking on craigslist for a new place. but the thought of packing
everything up and moving, and having to pay someone to move me, and having to
come up with a first and last and all that baloney makes me just shrug and stay
where i am - i wish that i was magic so i could just blink all my stuff from one
place to another.
i wish i wish i wish.
i wish i was a fish
and there you have it
oh three/eighteen/oh
five 050318_25.
when is it my turn?
life is uncompromisingly difficult.
i remember when i was a little kid (well, actually, i don’t remember much from
being a little kid, but i remember bits and pieces) - we were going to court to
adopt my baby brother. i was terrified that the judge was going to keep me in
exchange for this new baby. i vaguely remember feeling like i was being
discarded for someone new.
then, growing up, Kevin always got his way and special treatment because he was
“different”, “special” - i remember being sent away to boarding school and feeling
thrown out - not able to participate in my family - not really a part of anyone’s
family. it was horrible and i thought it couldn’t get any worse.
then, when i was in college, Kevin jumped off his shrink’s building, ten stories
to his death. it was horrible, i didn’t know how i was going to survive it - it
couldn’t possibly get any worse.
then i came out as a lesbian and got divorced. i basically had to start all over.
then i got my cat nicky, who i loved so much, but he was hit by a car and had to
have 6 surgeries. i knew that it couldn’t really get any worse, after all, i had
a great girlfriend, i was happy for the first time in my life - it would be ok.
then julie’s dad died - it was horrible, but it got almost unbearable when she
abruptly left me for someone else after 5 years. i though i wouldn’t survive
this one. i thought i’d die. i was dying inside - .i knew that things would never
feel that bad - they couldn’t ever feel any worse -
now nicky has to have yet another surgery for his bowel problems. he has what’s
called “mega colon” and he can’t pass waste through his colon - it just gets stuck
in there and builds up. he’s miserable, vomiting, not eating, very depressed - and
the surgery is going to cost me $2000.00.
i ask you, when does it get better? when is it my turn to have a string of good
fortune. when do i get a chance to not have to worry about whether or not i’ll
be able to buy groceries after i pay all my bills??? when do i get to have
smooth sailing??
i suppose never. i am guessing that my time here is going to be difficult until
i’m dead. i’m not sure what i did in a past existence to create this for myself - .but
i don’t like it one bit.
oh three/twenty one/oh five 050321_30.
the weird zone
so, i’ve been raw now for 9 days and can fit into a pair of pants that i couldn’t
fit into 9 days ago. that’s pretty hip if you ask me. i feel good, i’m making
all kinds of recipes (un-cooking) and it’s good.
in other news, nicky is hanging in there, we’re waiting for his surgery
appointment. but he’s eating and snuggling with me at night, so that’s a good
sign.
my neighbors got a dog. it’s a puppy right now but it looks like a rottweiler
mix of some sort. cute puppy. i’m not sure why i feel so invaded by them. they
are nice enough people. they have a lot of friends over, which is no biggie. i
think it’s because they smoke so much pot and that feels invasive to me - the
smoke comes into my house and i feel like i can’t go out in the back when they
are smoking. i’ve been sober now for 9 years - but that smell still gets to me. i
can’t explain it very well, all i can say is, it doesn’t feel like home anymore.
and there’s been weird shit going on too. on saturday night, i was treated to
the sounds of yelling coming from the street. i went to see what was going on,
and my usually mellow neighbor from across the street was yelling at some guy,
she was chasing him from her house with a baseball bat, and he was yelling that
someone needed to get their ass kicked - it was all very confusing. then some
other womyn came out and was pushing and hitting the guy - then the dad came out
all stiff backed and angry looking and was heading for the guy - who was backing
away and still yelling. the guy left and they all went in the house. i was
scared that he would come back and set their house on fire - but i went to sleep
anyway and later awoke to the smell of smoke, so i got up and walked around - went
out back, but i didn’t see any smoke so i went back to bed.
then, about 15 minutes later, the smoke smell got stronger, so i got up again
and looked out the front window. my neighbor across the street was leaving her
house, and walking down the street. her husband’s van was not there and there
was another car, a black caddy or something pulling out of their driveway. i
then noticed a person in red coming up our steps - she knocked on my new neighbors
door and then yelled across the street to the woman who was leaving her house,
asking her if she smelled smoke. so i quickly ran outside (in my boxers) and
said, “yes, i smell smoke, do you know what it is?” so she told me she could see
smoke coming from my back yard - and proceeded to show me - i saw it too and i ran
home to the back yard. i pounded on my new neighbors’ door, he woke up and i
asked him if anything was burning - and did he smell smoke? he said no, but he did
smell it - so i looked around some more and still didn’t see any smoke or flames - so
i went back to bed. the smoke smell got stronger and then abated and kept doing
that for about an hour more - i stayed up for awhile just to be safe.
then at 1:30 - the while i was waiting to see if anything was burning, my landlord
got up (he lives above me and i can hear him moving around). i was relieved that
he was up, just in case the burning smell was coming from his place, but he went
down to the garage and got in his car and left - coming back about Ω hour later.
i stayed up till 2:30 - and then fell asleep.
it was all very bizarre!
the whole time, i just kept thinking to myself, “i need to move”
so now, not only does it not quite feel like home, but it’s got an extra weird
element to it - suffice it to say, i’m a little sketched out.
i wish so much that i could just find a nice place with a little bit of a yard
for the dogs in a safe neighborhood.
but we all know how far wishes will take us - .and that’s pretty much nowhere.
anywho - today is a special day - it says so on my calendar. so - ..
happy birthday benito Juarez!
oh three/twenty
four/oh five 050324_15.
hair to the chief
i haven't been able to log into my diary for a few days now, they were having
technical difficulties...but i got in today so here i am.
i'm getting my hair tightened this saturday and i'm looking forward to that!
wendy (the guru who did my synth dreads) is going to finish up the dreads in the
back of my head, my hair is plenty long enough back there now...
i like going to wendy, she's very interesting. first of all, she's drop dead
gorgeous, but i don't really get to see her much cause she's working on the back
of my head. secondly, she's from minnesota, so she has a slight accent, which is
cool. she's interesting for sure.
the other girl there that works for hair police is named mary, she's from
washinton or oregon...she's very nice as well and interesting to talk to.
so, it should be a nice weekend. and i finished my third paper, so i won't have
the pressure of that hanging over my head. one more paper to go and i'm done
with my victimology class!
other than that, not much else to report...things are good, let's hope they stay
that way.
oh three/twenty five/oh five
050325_46.
oh yeah! what's good about it?!
it’s friday, and it’s good!
as a kid, i was always so jealous of my christian friends at easter time! easter
was the holiday that i coveted the most!
what other holiday can you wake up in the morning to a huge basked of colored
eggs and chocolate bunnies? none in the jewish tradition, i’ll tell you that!
i remember being so amazed at the baskets my friends would get, and so
incredibly covetous and resentful that i wasn’t getting a big basket with candy
in it. i remember hanging around my best fried tyler’s house on easter morning,
hoping against hope that they would have a little basket for me, or that someone
would have mercy on me and give me a piece of chocolate.
i even liked the jelly beans, even the black ones. and the colored eggs were
always so pretty. and then they would have a whole bunch of hard boiled eggs,
right there, ready to eat in the fridge for a week! what bliss!
but no, not for me - not for the jewish kid on the block!
oh sure, we got purim - big whoop - hamentaschen is NOT chocolate! and there is
definitely no chocolate or baskets of goodies at Passover, to the contrary, we
had to sit through the endless seder, being teased with little bites of matzo
and charosets while we hungrily awaited the meal - sometimes the reading of that
haggadah took freakin’ forever! and then, when the meal was finally served,
there was no chocolate in sight.
of course, there was a time when i was about 10 or 11 that i was invited over to
a friend’s house to color eggs and make my own little easter basket with candy
in it - but that only lasted a couple of years, and my basket was always much
smaller than their baskets, and never had the coveted giant chocolate bunny.
now that i’m grown up (in body if not in mind), i don’t really want the candy
anymore, but those childhood memories come right back to the surface the minute
anyone mentions easter. a melancholy memory to be sure.
in other completely unrelated news, i am JONESING for a new tattoo. i seriously
have zero money, and i’m not really sure of a tattoo design, although i’d like
to get my right arm sleeved with something that ties in with my screaming girl
on my inner forearm.
i am getting a raise at the beginning of may, so maybe then - or maybe i’ll just
spend money that should better be spent on bills and food - only time will tell.
oh three/twenty eight/oh five 050328_55.
wonder of wonders...
miracle of miracles, my parents are going to co-sign a loan for me for school!
to say that i am shocked would be a gross understatement. to say that i am happy
about it would also not do justice to the way i am feeling.
what does it all mean?? well, for one thing, it means that i will be able to
attend school for the next three years, buy my books, and possibly pay off some
of my debts. it also means that they trust me! they have faith in me!!! and that
is the most gratifying of all!
i’m completely stoked - (not to slip back into my southern california in the 80’s
vernacular, but i think this situation merits it)
in other news, i’m still waiting to hear from the vet about nicky’s surgery. i’m
actually on hold with them now. i need to find out if we are still going to do
this, and if so, when. i’m running out of medication for him and i don’t want to
spend 80 bucks on a refill if he’s not going to need it anymore. ya know?
and yesterday, i got a call from my best friend and it made me realize how much
i miss her! i wish so much that we lived close to each other, so she could say,
“hey, i’m at so-and-so, come meet me for coffee” or something like that. i told
her to stop by on her way home, i so wish she could have. (she lives in oklahoma,
i’m in california)
anyway, i know i’m rambling, but hey, it’s monday -
happy canadian easter everyone!
just a few hours later...
so much for having a good day - .
i came into work this morning and needed to send the loan paperwork to my
parents asap - so i asked Jennifer (one of the people who does shipping) to print
me a label for UPS next day air. i am not allowed to use the shipping computer (despite
the fact that i ran an entire office and was responsible for all shipping and
receiving and know intimately how to use the machine) so i had to wait for
Jennifer to get here. once she did, i cornered her in the hallway and got her to
do the labels for me.
well, while she was doing the labels, i offered to type in my parent’s address (so
she wouldn’t have to and i wouldn’t have to tell it to her) and natchelle, the
other person who is responsible for shipping) saw me on the machine. she then
proceeded to send me a nasty email, accusing me of using it and berating me for
it. i walked over to her to explain that i wasn’t using it, i was just typing in
the address and she wouldn’t let me get a word in - she didn’t care that i was
typing in the address for Jennifer, she didn’t care that i wasn’t “using” the
machine by myself. she just talked at me and scolded me for using the machine.
i then found out that Jennifer told sherlie (the HR manager) that when she got
here, the machine was turned on, and i was seen in the shipping room before 8:00 - so
Jennifer said, “well, that explains the machine being on”
for the record, i didn’t touch the machine, i was in there looking for an
envelope
so, i go into sherlie’s office, crying, and sherlie then accuses me of using the
machine, she wouldn’t let me tell her differently until she scolded me for using
it and not following procedure. she then had the nerve to tell me to stop crying.
i asked Jennifer what she told sherlie - (that’s when i found out what she said
about the machine being on) and she saw nothing about what she said as
inflammatory or accusatory. i told her that it’s very upsetting to be accused of
something i didn’t do, and she said, “i’m not accusing you of anything”.
it’s not worth arguing about really, i’m not dealing with the paragon of
intelligence or anything - .but it still sucks.
the other thing is, Jennifer, natchelle, and sherlie are all black, and i felt
like there was this camaraderie between them - like they knew i was lying, or
something.
so, now i’m sitting here, all red nosed and on the verge of tears - the littlest
thing makes them start flowing again -
just fucking great! don’t they know it’s canadian easter???
oh three/thirty one/oh five 050331_8.
it is, indeed, what it is!
happy day after van gogh's birthday.
things are pretty status quo. not much to report. this weekend is my second
weekend of school. i'm looking forward to it. the only things i have to work on
now are papers for my research class. i'm done with my victimology class after
this weekend. it was really interesting and really enjoyable. i'm digging the
whole experience!
in nicky news, it looks like he's going to have his surgery either tomorrow, or
sometime next week. i've been really struggling with whether or not to put him
through it, especially since he seems to be pooping relatively well since his
last enema on the 18th. so far, no blockage...which is good. i wasn't sure if i
should have the surgery done at all, since he seems to be fine now, but i spoke
with a vet that i trust (there are about 8 vets at the clinic i go to) and she
said that if it were her cat, she'd have the surgery done. so i'm going to do it.
i think nicky will be much happier not having to take all that medication (which
he absolutely HATES). yesterday, i took him in for an x-ray, so we could see if
he was blocked at all, and he was so angry at having to go to the vet that he
scratched me and peed all over me. he's usually so mellow and easy going. he
must have been really upset! i felt so bad for him! but soon, (God willing) this
will all be over and we can put it behind us (no pun intended).
the doctor's said that he could have problems down the road with diarrhea
instead of constipation, cause they are removing almost all of his colon (the
colon serves as a drying process for the feces, taking out all the water from
the waste as it passes through). i'm praying that he is able to be functional
and live a normal a life as possible with very little discomfort. he's been
through so much, he deserves a break!
that's pretty much the extent of what's going on in my life right now. school
and poop.
i suppose it could be much worse, so i'm not complaining...just givin' ya the
411
God that's so lame! i've never said that before...don't think i'll say it again
any time soon!
oh four/oh four/oh five
050404_73.
ya got to have friends....la la la la la
so, i’m sitting in the bathroom at work today, and all of a sudden, my head says,
“this is the place where shit happens” - which made me laugh, but since there were
other people in there at the time, i didn’t laugh out loud.
i guess i could have laughed out loud, i figure, everyone already thinks i’m
nuts -
lately, i’ve felt really alone at work, like no one really likes me and people
just tolerate me - which i know is just my head playing games with me. i know for
a fact that there are people at my work who like me. and there are, of course,
people at my work who don’t like me, but lately, i’ve just felt kind of lonely.
it’s pretty much the same way the rest of my life goes. for example, in high
school, i wasn’t a member of any one “group”, but would flit around to all of
them, being friendly with members of those groups and making friends on a sort
of “acquaintance” level, but never really forming deep friendships.
same thing for college, although, in college, i did have a small core group of
friends that i was tight with and i was not nearly as isolated or isolating as i
am now. of course, it was easier to find people and things to do on campus than
it is now, just living in a city with no particular ties to anything or anyone.
so, it makes sense to me that i wouldn’t have any close friends now - with of
course the exception of my best friend, but she lives in Oklahoma, which makes
dropping by or hanging out a little difficult.
i tend to form superficial friendships relatively easily, and, if given the
opportunity, i can form deeper friendships with people in relatively short
periods of time, but i always wind up screwing those up and losing those people
because i either quit communicating with them or am depressed and wind up hiding
in my house or not answering my phone. most of those types of friendships are
formed in places like michigan, and after festival, i eventually get horrible at
keeping in touch, and then people just write me off. i’m particularly nervous
about this year’s festival because there is a person who i am particularly fond
of who i had a brief but intense long distance friendship with, and i stopped
communicating (cause i got scared) and now she won’t talk to me -
if only i could be happy being a loner, cause then, i wouldn’t have to fret over
feeling lonely. when i was with “her”, i was never lonely, cause we had each
other. sure, we’d do things with other people, but for the most part, she was my
world. without her, my world is a very lonely place.
i will say that i do have one friend who lives near me, the filmmaker, but i
never see her - either because of my own hermit qualities or hers -
so, i feel pretty isolated, if you want to know the truth. and i know that it’s
self imposed, but i find it difficult to break out of it. i have completely
given up on ever having another girlfriend - i’m pretty sure that’s never going to
happen. i’ll be one of those perpetually single people with lots of cats. joy of
joys!
in other happenings, the surgeon who is supposed to perform nicky’s surgery has
left the veterinary hospital to start his own hospital in Hayward. he told me
that he’d perform nicky’s surgery before he left, but when i called this morning
to find out when the surgery is scheduled, they told me that he was no longer
there. i’m not going to get pissed yet, until i find out the whole story (i’m on
hold with them now). but i am mildly irritated, because it’s been two weeks now
and he’s never called me back.
ok, the person i need to speak to is at lunch, but she’s supposed to call me
when she’s done - we’ll see -
other than that, not much new to tell. i finished my class in victimology. i was
one of only 3 people who actually turned in all 4 of the papers on time. that
felt good, and what a relief to have them done and out of the way! i do not envy
those people who still have to write them! i do still have to write 2 papers for
my research class, but am planning to get those done this weekend so i can have
some time to relax.
my mom is coming to visit at the end of the month, and i’ll have to do a
thorough house cleaning before she comes. i’m looking forward to her coming
though, i think we’ll have a good time.
that’s it for now, peace out sisters (and brothers), peace out.
oh four/oh five/oh five 050405_21.
don't cry for me kids of springfield
lisa is a nut
she has a rubber butt
and every time she turns around
it goes, putt putt!
oh four/oh seven/oh five 050407_38.
it's all too problematic
so, two days ago, i got a call from dr. singer, the dr. who is supposed to be
doing nicky's surgery (with a qualified intern who has done many fo these
particular surgeries). he has left the veterinary hospital that i take nicky to
to start his own clinic and told me that i can either a) take nicky to the
doctor at the hospital he is purchasing in hayward and have him do the surgery
for $750.00, or b) wait until the 15th for him to do the surgery when he finally
owns the hospital.
neither choice was acceptable to me as i don't particularly want to take nicky
to a completely strange vet who i know nothing about and who's facility i know
nothing about, not to mention it is in hayward, which is about 1/2 hour drive
with nicky in the car...and, nicky has already started to become obstipated
again and waiting till the 15th is not going to work.
so, i called my animal hospital yesterday and spoke to the person who's been
really helpful to me. i explained what was going on, and how i was starting to
get angry because i feel like i'm getting the run around and nicky should have
had this surgery 2 weeks ago. she said she'd see what she could do and she'd
call me back.
so, at 5:00, she called me and left me a message at home stating that they would
perform the surgery at their hospital on friday and to bring nicky in at 7:30 am,
they would only charge me the $500.00 that was originally quoted to me by dr.
singer, but (and this is a huge but) no one at the hospital had ever done this
surgery before and they wanted me to be aware of this (presumably so they can
avoid any liability).
now, the whole reason that dr. singer was bringing in the intern was because the
intern had experience with this kind of surgery and knew what he was doing. dr.
singer (who was going to come back and perform the surgery) and another dr., dr.
kim, would be performing the surgery on friday morning, despite the fact that
basically, neither one of them know what they are doing.
this is completely unacceptable to me! i am so confused right now, i don't know
what to do! i don't want nicky to have a complicated surgery performed by
doctors who don't know what they are doing...and i don't particularly want to
take him to hayward to an unknown doctor who doesn't know any of his history and
had never seen him before.
i know that nicky needs this surgery, and i love him so much, i only want the
best for him...but i also can't afford to pay a ton of money and i'm feeling
really trapped by this whole situation!
i did, however, just place a call to another large vet hospital near my house to
ask them if they have any experience with this surgery and if they would match (or
come close to) the price that dr. singer quoted me. i left a message, so we'll
see.
and in other dog and cat related news, i'm going to michigan in 118 days for
almost 17 days and i definitely cannot afford to board the dogs...it would be
about $600.00 to board them and i'd still have to have someone stay with the
cats...i don't want to ask the filmmmaker, cause i feel like i'm imposing on her,
and with all the extra care that nicky needs (hopefully none by the time august
rolls around...he should be fully healed and doing great, but one never knows)...i
just don't feel right asking her.
ideally, a vet or vet tech would stay at my house while i'm gone and take care
of all 5 animals. but that's really just wishes...and we all know that if wishes
were horses, beggars would ride.
so, you see, i have a couple of animal related dilemma, or would that be dilemmi?
too much to think about really...just too damn much!
oh four/oh eight/oh five 050408_2.
possibly WAY too much information!
well, i dropped nicky off at the vet’s today for his surgery. to say that i am
nervous wouldn’t quite explain the extent to which my stomach is churning or my
concentration is completely blown. i am nervous as hell! i kept thinking, what
if this is the last time i ever see him -
but i must have happy positive thoughts and keep a good attitude. he’s going to
be fine, he’s going to come through this just fine and he’s going to be better
than ever!
so, in the interest of acting like everything is going to be fine, i will change
the subject -
it turns out that 5 womyn in my section of the office (including myself) are
currently menstruating. there could be more in the other side of the office, but
i haven’t taken a period poll, so i can’t be sure.
the interesting thing about all this is the differences in the ways we all deal
with it and our attitudes about our menses.
one of the womyn referred to it as “having the bug” - weird, but that’s what she
said - another was relatively irritated and uncomfortable and just wished it would
be over. two of them are completely not comfortable discussing it. i on the
other hand love getting my period. now, don’t get me wrong, i hate the cramps
and the mess, but it makes me feel so connected to womynhood and it makes me
feel powerful and strong.
bleeding makes me feel more alive for some reason. it’s not such an “icky” thing - it’s
pretty awesome. it means that i can give life (although i probably won’t ever
have a baby - i still am capable of doing so). it means that my body is healthy.
it means that i am connected to the earth and the moon and the tides and all of
life. i dig it. i think it would be cool to make art with menstrual blood, but i’m
not sure about how to deal with the biodegradablitiy of it, or the smell, or any
of the other logistics. i’ve heard of womyn doing it, but i’ve actually never
seen any art made with menstrual blood -
one of the reasons that i’ve grown to love my period my be because i stopped
using tampons and started using the keeper - i feel cleaner and more like i’m
letting my body “do it’s thing” rather than trying to stifle it or stop it up
with a tampon. i feel more connected to my own cycles for some reason, which i
didn’t when i was using tampons.
at any rate, it was interesting to me the way the womyn in the office felt about
their periods. it made me wonder how other womyn feel and if anyone out there
has the same thoughts and feelings as i do.
oh four/eleven/oh five 050411_87.
hooray and hoorah!
well, nicky survived his surgery and seems to be doing well! the doctor said
that everything looks good and that he's peeing and has passed some stool (but
she thinks that it was probably what was left in his colon, since he hasn't
really eaten much...but it's still a good sign nonetheless!
i am SO releived i can't even put it into words. now i just have to keep praying
for a speedy recovery. i hate seeing him suffering or in pain. i went to the vet
on saturday afternoon to visit him and feed him (he wasn't eating their food).
he was all doped up, red eyed, and kept shaking his paw (the one with the iv in
it). i got him to eat some food (i had to force feed him a little bit, but then
he ate some on his own). and i left his bowl with them, cause he won't eat out
of anything but his own bowl...
the vet called me on sunday and said he was doing really well, and that i was
right, he was eating, but only out of his own bowl. (that's my boy!)
so, i'm bringing him home tonight. i'm a little worried that he won't just rest
in one spot...there's so much activity in my house, with 2 dogs and 2 other cats...and
i'm hoping that he doesn't try jumping or climbing anywhere. he likes to sleep
on top of the counters in the kitchen...hopefully, he won't try to get up there.
so, thanks for all of your well wishes and prayers and good thoughts! seems like
whoever it is up there running the show was listening!
oh four/thirteen/oh five 050413_56.
he's got my back!
well, nicky's doing well (thank God!). we went to the vet yesterday (at the
doctor's request) for a check-up. she looked him over and gave him the thumbs up.
nicky was the first cat she's ever performed this operation on, so she is very
invested in getting him through it successfully and having a good ulitamte
result. she told me that nicky is very important to her, and she clearly cares
about him, so that made me feel really good!
she's a super nice vet. very young, very caring, and really smart. i got lucky!!!
so did nick!
expo, my shepard/doberman mix has been kind of mopey lately. she's not getting
as much attention since nicky came home from the hospital. i'll have to spend
some quality time with her today.
other than that, no news on the animal front (and no news is good news)
work, on the other hand, is quite different.
it seems that the hr manager has had someone in the office tracking my comings
and goings...(i have a pretty good idea who it is). you see, we have monthly
calendars, time sheets if you will, in which we have to list our time off and
then submit to our managers for signature at the end of the month. it then gets
turned in, and at the beginning of the next month, we get new one's. the new one's
have our remaining time off (listed in hours) and all the days that we took off
or were holidays from the previous month are printed on the calendar. this month,
i went to my mailbox to get my calendar, and there were about 9 or 10 days last
month with a "v" in them. (the v standing for vacation time). i also had a
negative 34 hours of vacation time listed in the calendar. there were also about
6 "v's" for the month of february. now, i knew i didn't take off that many
days and i knew that on my calendar which my boss signed, i only had 1 day off
in march, and it wasn't even a full day, it was 3 hours. so, i took the calendar
into my boss and said, "what does this mean??? why are there so many days
marked off?". he took one look at it and said, "don't worry, i'll take care of
it".
so, i went back to my desk and sat down. a couple of hours later, i went back
into his office and asked about it. he told me that basically, the hr manager,
has been having people clock my time and arbitrarily decided to mark all the
days i left early with vacation time...thus docking me for leaving early.
now, i should take this moment to point out that i left early with my boss's
blessing and he has basically told all of us in the sales department that he
doesn't give a shit about how much time we spend in the office, but rather that
we make our number for the month and that we do our jobs. he doesn't care if we
sell from the moon, as long as we are selling.
he explained to me that he got an email from hr about a week ago, about the fact
that i wasn't in the office a full 40 hours a week, and he took it straight to
the president of the company, pointing out that i wasn't an admin, i was a sales
person, and that he didn't clock my time and didn't want my time being clocked
by anyone else, and that i've brought in 1.6 million in sales this year. the
president agreed and my boss then went and talked to sherlie explaining
basically the same thing.
so, after i brought him my time sheet, he got pissed, and went in to the hr
manager's office and basically read her the riot act...told her to clear all of
that "v" shit off my calender and to give me a new one.
we talked about it, and he agreed with me that the hr manager was basically out
to get me...and that i shouldn't go talk to her anymore about anything and if i
have any problems, just bring things right to him . we also talked about how
they (hr) have no idea when i log on on sunday morning to do some work, or work
from home in the evenings sometimes. we basically decided and not to worry about
it.
i lurve my boss! it's nice to work for someone that has your back.
the crappy thing is, i'm being watched, and i fuckin' hate that! i don't really
care, because the people that are watching me don't have any power over me, but
it's shitty nonetheless
oh four/thirteen/oh
five 050413_87.
pass me a carrot and now, just for kicks...pictures of me,
before going raw, and one month raw (10 pounds lost so far).
drum roll please............
tada!
before
and after
oh four/fourteen/oh five 050414_6.
better, stronger, faster than she was before!
another boring day at work. i’m hungry and i’m bored. not a good combination.
fortunately, i have some melon in the fridge, which i think i’ll go get right
now.
there, better. so, aside from being incredibly bored, there is really nothing to
report.
i got a thing in the mail for team in training yesterday. i usually just throw
them out, but for some reason, i decided to sign up for one of their information
meetings. the meeting is next month. i think i’m going to do the nike women’s
marathon in October. i actually think i’ll plan to run the Ω marathon, since i
have no desire to run another marathon (i’ve done 3 of them).
i’m SO out of shape right now, i probably couldn’t run around the block, but i
think if i get involved in team in training, it will motivate me to get up and
run, especially if i’ll be running with a group. who knows, maybe i’ll even meet
a nice girl.
it’s so strange to me how much i’ve changed in the last 45 days or so. i mean,
before about a month and a half ago, i was not interested in eating healthy, i
didn’t have the desire or the willpower to eat like i’m eating now. in fact, the
more chocolate and junk food i had, the better. and as far as exercising went, i
was completely ANTI movement. i didn’t even want to get up to change the channel,
let alone break a sweat.
and now, i’m actually thinking seriously about running again. i so badly want to
be healthy. i want my old thin body back. i want to feel strong and have stamina
and resilience. and i’m actually doing it.
and it feels pretty fuckin’ good too!
oh four/fifteen/oh five 050415_48.
my life is an open book...and i do mean
open!
so, my life, apparently, is really an open book.
my boss called me into his office today (thursday) - one of those, “can i see you
for a moment, come in and shut the door” conversations that always fill me with
angst. you know, when your head starts going - ”am i fired?, did i do something
wrong?, is he mad?” and then you have to say to yourself, “no, stop it, he just
wants to talk to you, nothing is wrong, chill out and keep smiling”
so, i go into his office, shut the door, sit down and he tells me that he’s been
reading my diary - and that i should be careful about writing things about people
at work, cause that could get me fired -
“yes, ok”, i say - "i know - .no one else knows about my diary" - but in my head i’m
thinking,
“HOLY SHIT!! HE READ MY DIARY!!! WHAT DO I HAVE IN THERE??? IS THERE ANYTHING
INCRIMINATING??? JESUS CRIMINY!!!!”
now, you should understand that i really adore my boss - he’s very cool. we have a
very open and honest relationship, he knows i’m a dyke, he pretty much knows all
about me so there’s no worries there - and i showed him my diary the other day
when i posted those before and after pictures of me - but i really didn’t think he’d
read it - i mean, i’m not that interesting really -
it’s cool though, i don’t mind if he reads it (hi boss!), i don’t mind if anyone
reads it really, that’s why it’s public. and i’ve spent lots of time in previous
entries explaining why i post a public diary, so i’m not going to get into that
here -
but it’s still kinda weird. like my worlds are colliding - my work life and my
life life - sort of intense really.
and in completely unrelated information, my mom and dad might come up here in
October to cheer me on for my race! that is ¸ber groovy, i miss my ërents.
and in nicky news - i came home to find nicky sitting on my dresser, looking a
little down. i gave him his paid medicine and noticed that his gums were black!!
not pink like they are supposed to be!!! so i rushed him to the vet.
there was a new vet there, i can’t remember her first name, but she is
DEFINITELY family and she’s way cute! i loved the way she was so concerned about
nick and she took really good care of him.
they put him on oxygen and his gums pinked up again. they kept him there for a
couple of hours. the vet didn’t know what was wrong, but she sent him home and
told me to keep an eye on him. she ran some other tests and everything came out
normal, so maybe it was just nothing.
he seems to be doing better now (friday morning) and after tomorrow, we’re out
of the woods in terms of recovery - if they make it past the 7 day mark after
surgery, they generally are going to be ok. so that’s a good thing!
oh four/eighteen/oh five 050418_32.
money...it's a gas, grab that cash with
both hands and make a stash.
i had a fun weekend! on saturday i went to the dyke march committee meeting. i
am so psyched to be on the planning committee. i don’t really know any of the
other womyn on the committee, but i’m looking forward to getting to know them
better as time goes on. it’s way cool to be a part of something so important. we
are having a fundraiser on the 29th and i secured a few items for the raffle.
and on sunday i went to brunch with the filmmaker and we had a great time! we
haven’t seen each other in FAR too long and it was fun catching up. she seems
really happy and at peace, it was cool. we went to cafÈ gratitude and i spent
way too much money (not on our meal) - but i had to buy a bowl that says “what are
you grateful for” on the inside of it. it’s big and i’m going to use it for
salads. i also had to buy myself an entrÈe and dessert to take home for dinner.
i also went to rainbow market on saturday and spent too much money. and nicky’s
check up at the vet was also expensive. it was an expensive but enjoyable
weekend.
and in cat news
the doctor took nicky off all his pain medicine, so now, he’s only taking the
antibiotic which he’ll stop taking soon. he’s doing really well. pj has been
sort of antagonistic lately and nicky and pj have little hissing spats with each
other - Pierre is totally the peacemaker. he’ll come over to whichever cat “loses”
the hissing match and start licking their head. it’s cute. i know why pj is
acting this way. it’s cause while nicky was gone for 3 days, pj started to think
he was in charge - (nicky is usually the dominant one) and when nick came back, it
threw pj out of whack. i think he liked being the head honcho. he’s also jealous
of the fact that nicky gets wet food all the time and he doesn’t. pj’s a bit of
a glutton.
other than that, things are good. my mom’ll be here in 10 days. i’m looking
forward to her coming.
i woke up with a krink in my neck and it’s killing me - i think i might go get
myself a massage.
oh four/nineteen/oh
five 050419_57.
habemus papam!
so, we have a new pope. according the prophecy of saint malachy, this is to be
the second to the last pope.
malachy predicted that the pope after john paul II would be from the bendictine
order of monks - ironically, this pope chose to name himself benedict.
there is some question as to whether or not the prophecy of malachy is a forgery - but
even if it is, it’s been pretty accurate.
i also find it somewhat disturbing that the current pope is 78 years old - that’s
old kids! john paul died when he was 84. heck, my grandma died when she was 78.
78 is not young and spritely - so, if you buy into the papal prophecies - and there
is one pope after this one - and the last pope will reign in the time of
tribulation - .then we’re fucked!
that being said, i guess i don’t put too much stock into the prophecy, but i
have always had a sinister feeling that i wouldn’t live my life out fully. not
because i would be killed or take my own life, but because something on a
catastrophic magnitude would occur. i’ve felt like that for as long as i can
remember. i don’t know why.
the one good thing about it is that i wouldn’t have to worry about paying off my
debts - but that’s probably not going to happen - with my luck, i’ll have to pay off
every penny with interest.
oh four/twenty/oh five 050420_46.
i've
been dazed and confused for so long it's not true. wanted a woman, never
bargained for you.
i am so irritated right now!
remember the whole time calendar fiasco - and how hr was supposed to remove all
that time they just randomly took off? well, they only took off the time for
march. so i asked to see my calendars for this year, and they took time off for
january and February. time which my boss did not authorize them to take. i am so
pissed right now!
and my boss doesn’t get here till noon - so i have to sit and stew about it until
he gets here. grrrrrrrrr - . things like that make me want to quit! i don’t like
working for a company that doesn’t trust me - regardless of the fact that i am
producing and bringing in revenue.
the only saving grace is that my boss trusts me and sticks up for me. he’s
really a great boss! if he ever left here, i’d follow him like a puppy dog.
last night i had to take nicky to the vet again. he was throwing up and not
eating. they weighed him and he’d lost about æ of a pound (which is a lot for a
cat in only 2 or 3 days). they took an x-ray, gave him some subcutaneous fluids
and some antacid. the x-ray looked good. nothing in his colon, a little bit of
food in his stomach. they sent me home with a bag of fluids.
i have to give him fluids subcutaneously every day for 10 days. they showed me
how to do it at the vet last night and i cannot tell you how badly i felt
sticking him with a needle! it was horrible (for me). nicky didn’t seem to mind
too much - but i thought i was going to cry.
and i think i’ve come to a realization about myself. it’s about me and
relationships - you see, last summer after festival, my new friend who lives in a
Michigan and i began corresponding. it was relatively intense in that she called
me almost every day and even though we were just friends, i got the impression
from her that she wanted it to be more - which scared me a lot, so i started to
pull away and eventually told her that i couldn’t do the every day phone thing
and that it was too much for me - we eventually just stopped talking altogether.
so, now she’s kinda mad at me and doesn’t want to resume contact at all - just
wants to be “festival friends” which is bound to be weird - but oh well -
but, it got me to thinking - why do i do that? why do i get scared when someone
tries to get close to me? and why is it that i haven’t been attracted to anyone
since “she” left me? (of course, there have been a couple of people who i am
attracted to very much, but i haven’t been head over heels for anyone - i haven’t
fallen for anyone, no one has taken my breath away) what is it about me that
pushes people away? i didn’t used to be like that.
and suddenly i realized how scared i am. scared of getting hurt again. scared of
loss, scared of falling for anyone because either a) they won’t like me back or
b) they’ll leave eventually. i’m like the walking wounded. and i don’t know how
to fix it. i don’t know how to let go and trust. and will i be this way forever??
because if i am, then i will most assuredly be alone for the rest of my life - which
is not what i want at all!
i know that i have to like myself before anyone else can like me. but i also
have to figure out how to let go of all of this hurt and pain that “she” left me
with.
somehow -
oh four/twenty two/oh five
050422_95.
happy earth day!
happy earth day one and all.
i remember when i was in college, earth day was a big deal. it doesn’t seem like
such a big deal anymore. maybe it’s cause i’m not immersed in the liberal
collegiate atmosphere anymore, or maybe, people just don’t care about earth day
any more. i’m not sure. either way, it’s just another day on good ëole planet
earth.
i am going with the filmmaker to see girlyman tonight at the dolores park cafÈ
in the city. i’m totally excited, i LOVE them! i’m hoping they have their new cd!
and i am SO grateful that the weekend is here. i have to re-write two papers,
and do another writing assignment, along with a take home final, but i don’t
have to be anywhere or do anything. i can sit around in my boxers and forget to
shower and sleep whenever i feel like it! it’s going to be bliss!
i’m also definitely noticing a difference in my face and my body. i’m down to 1
and Ω chins now - instead of 2 - and the Ω chin is going away!!! i’m very psyched
about this, but i wish it would happen faster. (i know, i know, patience is a
virtue - blah blah blah)
i absolutely do not know what to do with my hair. part of me wants to take out
the synth dreads and brush out the parts of my hair that have started to dread
and just cut it short. another part can’t stand the idea of spending all that
money only to abandon the “project” before it even gets started. i don’t know
what i’m going to do. actually, i have a game plan, it just depends on whether
or not i have the discipline to follow it. my plan is this: i will wait until my
next hair police appointment and ask wendy what she thinks about it - after all,
she’s the professional.
other than that - i had to give nicky fluids again last night. it’s gotten easier
to stick him, and he is such a good boy, he just sits there and waits till i’m
done. last night, he came and loved on me for a long time, so i don’t think he’s
mad about me poking at him with sharp things. it’s weird, when the fluids go in,
they are going just under the skin, so he gets this hump for awhile until the
fluids disperse into his body. it’s kind of creepy - but kind of interesting at
the same time.
oh yeah, i sent the vet’s office cookies, as a thank you for taking such good
care of nick and putting up with me - apparently, they were very well received.
they said that they were gone in an hour. 100 cookies, gone in an hour! them are
some hungry folk!
and one more thing, i saw some either amish or mennonite people today at the
public market. my friend and i went down there this morning, she needed some
milk and i got my salad for later. the place was empty except for a few workers
having breakfast, my friend and i, and these two men and one woman who looked
like they were from another century. i wanted to ask them questions, but my
friend told me to leave them alone - .so i did.
now, go outside and hug a tree or something!
oh four/twenty five/oh five 050425_93.
new (old) hair
i had a reasonably good weekend. went with the filmmaker to girlyman on friday
night. got to meet Karen, which was cool. girlyman ROCKED! they are so amazing,
i love them.
dpc was incredibly crowded! we stood on the side, but we weren’t more than 6
feet away from the band - it was intimate but had great energy.
so, while i’m there, i’m looking around at all the cute dykes and their cute
short hair - and i’m hot and uncomfortable, and my hair is driving me crazy - so, i
decided that when i got home, i was going to take out all my dreads.
i wound up getting home at around 11:15 or so and from 11:30 to 4:30 in the
morning, i took out every last one of those synthetic dreads.
here is the finished product:
i still have some dreads (my own hair) that have to come out. i ordered this
special conditioner that will help them un-dread. once that’s done, i’m thinking
about getting it cut into some cute style or something. we’ll see.
oh four/twenty seven/oh five 050427_99.
fuck, fuck, and fuck!
Man shot, killed in North Oakland,
Staff Reporter
OAKLAND ó A man was shot and killed Tuesday night on West Street where it ends
at Martin Luther King Jr. Way in North Oakland.
The body lay in the street under a few mature oak trees, illuminated in light
from nearby Children's Hospital Oakland a traffic light away.
Police say the shooting happened at 8 p.m. They had no identification on the
victim ó described as an African-American man in his 20s ó and no suspect in
custody.
Witnesses told police they heard four gunshots and saw the shooter run north on
Martin Luther King Jr. Way.
It was Oakland's 22nd homicide so far this year, compared with 28 on this date
last year.
that was taken from the Oakland tribune this morning. the shooting took place
about 300 yards from my house!
i had gone into the city w/ the filmmaker. i went to the dyke march committee
meeting and she went to a protest thing in the castro. i picked her up at 8:00
and we went back home, across the bridge to the east bay.
when i got home, there were about 6 police cars and probably 50 people standing
around (lookie-loos). i couldn’t get into my driveway because a cop car was
blocking it, so i went over and asked one of the officers if they could please
move the car - which they did. the officer then told me that it looked like a gang
related shooting and that the victim was probably a targeted person.
all i could think was, “i have to move” - a thought that fills me with utter dread!
i told the filmmaker that the idea of moving makes me want to go throw myself
into oncoming traffic -
naked
wearing a crown of thorns
oh five/oh two/oh five 050502_98.
the weekend, in brief
my mom was here with me this weekend and we had such a good time! it was a blast!
she played with my dogs, went into the piercing store w/ me so i could buy some
new jewelry for my labret, complimented me on my star tattoo on my finger. we
had sushi, saw a great movie, in general, had a grand old time!
and afterwards i went to see leslie at the tattoo shop and she applied some new
ink - which was great! i love getting new tattoos - even though it hurts like a
bitch! (and no, i’m not a masochist).
here’s a blurry picture -
other than that - nicky seems to be doing really well (thank God). Michigan is 93
days away - work is work - .still looking for a new place to live. my mom and i went
to look at one place i found on craigslist.org - .it was a DUMP! completely false
advertising.
anyway, that’s all the news that’s fit to print. sorry for the long absence, i
won’t let it happen again!
oh five/oh
five/oh five 050505_91.
to be or not to be...sued that is... happy oh five,
oh five, oh five!
well, it’s thursday - nothing exciting going on to report. did i mention that i’m
being sued? i guess that’s pretty exciting. lemme start at the beginning.
once upon a time, i had 3 credit cards from a certain credit card company, we’ll
call them, funds five - it seems that i had run up quite a bit of debt with them
and at the time, was having difficulty paying them - so - i called a debt
consolidator and started working with them.
i was told by the debt consolidator that they were working with funds five to
agree on some kind of payment settlement and assumed that everything was under
control. the people at the debt consolidator told me that i should send them
anything i received from the credit card company and not to take any calls - however,
i never received any phone calls or anything from them in the mail, so i assumed
that things were being taken care of.
jump ahead to last week, i’m sitting in the office, quietly minding my own
business, when the operator calls to tell me that there is someone here to see
me. not expecting anyone, and certainly not dressed for visitors (in jeans and a
t-shirt), i went up to the front to find a process server handing me a summons.
funds five was suing me for $1600.00 (one of the cards was at approximately $1500.00,
so it was easy to figure out which account this was).
i immediately called the debt consolidators, and they told me that it really
wasn’t that big a deal, that i probably wouldn’t have to go to court, that they
would take care of it - just to fax them the summons and they would do the rest.
so i faxed them the summons, and waited till this week to call and make sure
they had it. i called and was told that i had to fill out some papers and take
them to the court for filing. which i did, yesterday -
i filled out the forms with the help of my best friend who happens to be an
attorney - took them to the court house, spent about 30 minutes trying to find a
parking space, waited in line, got told to fill out a different form, waited in
line again, finally turned in all the paperwork, paid $167.00 filing fee, left
the courthouse, went to the post office to mail the plaintiff’s attorney
certified mail/return receipt, and finally went back to the office. i got home
yesterday afternoon only to find a message from the clerk at the courthouse that
there was something wrong with my paperwork -
so, today, i’m waiting until 9:00 so i can call the clerk and find out what is
wrong - hopefully it’s not anything major -
i’m also going to look at an apartment at noon today -
so i guess i lied - there is something exciting to tell -
oh five/ten/oh five 050510_50.
fifth floor - ladies lingerie, housewares,
and strange behavior
i don’t understand elevator behavior -
perfectly normal people get onto an elevator that is filled with others and they
instantly become weird. they stare at their feet. they stare at the floor
counter. they stare at their cell phones. the stare at their watches. they look
everywhere but at the people they are standing less than a foot away from. it’s
bizarre! their whole exterior screams, “i’m not here - i’m invisible - don’t talk to
me, don’t look at me!!!”. and then, the elevator dings their floor, and the go
stand in front of the closed elevator doors like they can’t get out of there
fast enough!
i don’t get it.
on time, in college, i had a professor in a sociology class who would have us do
all kinds of weird social experiments and then write about them. one of his
experiments was to get into an elevator full of people, walk in, and not turn
around and face the door, but to stand there facing the people. we weren’t
supposed to look down or anything, but stand there and watch people’s reactions.
having a person facing them in the elevator made everyone so uncomfortable -
i love trying to talk to people in the elevator. if it’s just me and one other
person, generally, they talk and they seem pretty comfortable - but when you make
comments in a full elevator - .look out. no one wants to say a word!
strange. i’ll be when they are alone in the elevator they dance and sing and
talk to themselves - (as long as they are sure no one is watching).
and on a completely unrelated note - here are the updates - .it’s been 2 months raw - do
you see any difference??
before
one month
two months
oh five/fifteen/oh five
050515_64.
what a pain in the back!
i hurt my back. i don’t know how i did it. i was getting ready for work on
wednesday morning. i took a shower, got dressed, was feeding the animals when "TWANG"...something
in my back just went...
now, this has happened before, so i just thought i'd be able to breathe through
it and it would go away...so i went to work.
boy was i wrong!
my back was spasming so badly that i wound up leaving work after only being
there for about an hour. i went home and took advil and got in bed. that night,
i didn't sleep because of the agonizing pain so in the morning on thursday, i
took myself to the emergency room.
now, a little bit about the er at kaiser...first let me say that when i had my
cancer scare, they took excellent care of me. the surgeons and the nurses were
great! and when i visit my doctor, she's super great as well...so i think i had
high expectations for the er....
again, boy was i wrong!
i parked my car and hobbled into the er...i could only take a couple of short
steps and then my back would spasm and i'd be frozen in one spot for what seemed
like an eternity. it was obvious by looking at me that i was in pain. i got into
the door, (after going through the metal detector - not a good sign) and to my
right were two womyn in a little office/cage thing with plexi glass windows and
little speakers, a slot to put your kaiser card through etc...
one of the womyn was yapping about having to shut down her computer and how it
wasn't working and the other womyn was telling her not to shut it down...chaos
was about to ensue...so i stepped in, gave her some instructions (ctrl-alt-delete)
and finally helped her get her computer working (all through the plexi glass
thingy)...no thank you...not even a grunt.
i then moved over to the window of the other womyn and told her that i need
emergency services...she sent me over to the left to the triage area. the triage
area consisted of two oval shaped plexi glass-less window areas. one with a
chair and the other without. i went up and stood in front of one of the "windows"
(the one without the chair). i stood there, and stood there...i asked one guy
who i could see (who could see me) if there was someone who could help me. he
said that the nurse would be there in a minute and then moved to the right so i
couldn't see him anymore...but i could still here him talking. there were lots
of people milling around back there, but no one was helping me, so i stood there
and stood there some more. finally, some doctor came up and asked me if anyone
was helping me. i said no. he asked me if i needed help. i said yes. so he sat
down to help me. i told him what was wrong, he asked me lots of questions, asked
me to rate my pain level (which at that point was about an 8). after getting all
of my info, he sent me back to those two ladies. i went up to the one who's
computer i fixed and she said, "what's wrong with you" in a tone that would
have wilted plastic flowers. i said, "i hurt my back". she said, "no, what
are you doing over here?". i told her that i was sent over there by triage.
now, i should take a moment here to explain that i was in severe pain. and every
spasm that wracked my back would take my breath away....so i wasn't just
passively standing there. anyone with 1/2 an eyeball could have seen that there
was something very wrong.
the ogre behind the plexi glass asked me questions, my address (to which i said,
"isn't that in my medical record?") she continued to be, shall we say, "brusque"
and finally told me to wait and someone would come get me. after about a minute
or two, she said, "you have to pay $50.00". i said, "huh?" (as she had
already dismissed me), she said, "you owe $50.00", so i threw her my credit
card, signed the slip and waited for someone to come and get me. i stood there
for about 5 minutes and then the concierge girl came out and took her post. i
asked her how long it was going to take for them to come get me (i was standing
in the middle of the room...i couldn't move without severe pain so i just stood
there). she said she'd go check...she left her post, went in the back, then came
out and told me that someone would be getting me shortly.
i waited for about 5 more minutes and then, that doctor who helped me at triage
happened to walk past the triage window and see me still standing there. he said,
"did you do your paperwork" and i nodded in the affirmative. he said, "why
are you still waiting?? i'll go find out what's going on"
he then came back and said, "come on back". i asked him if he could help me,
because i couldn't walk and he came over to me, i took his arm and he led me
back to room "P", where i waited for about 15 minutes before the doctor came
in. he asked me some cursory questions, evaluated my pain level and then said
that he was ordering some tordol and morphine to get my pain under control and
then he'd examine me. at this point, i got all hot/cold flushed, dizzy, felt
like i was going to pass out, throw up, or both. he said he'd send the nurse
right in, i said, "please hurry because i'm going to throw up".
you know that feeling you get, when your adrenaline rushes and you feel like you're
going to die...well, that's what i was feeling...
i made my way over to the sink, stepped on the pedal for the cold water and
tried to splash my face and drink some of it...somehow (i'm not exactly sure how)
i made it back over to the gurney and laid down. having been standing until that
moment because i couldn't sit due to the pain, i'm not exactly sure how i
managed to throw myself into a laying down postion, but i laid there, on my back
with my knees up for about 40 minutes.
some womyn came in and wrote my dr.'s name on a white board on the wall. she
wrote a nurses name too, but i never saw her.
after laying there for 40 minutes, some other nurse came in with a trainee
behind her. i asked her if she was "jean" the name on the board and she said
no, that jean was busy and someone had asked her to come in here instead. she
wound up giving me a shot of tordol, but no morphine because i had to drive
myself home. the nice trainee got me some water and they left.
about 20 minutes later, the doctor came back and asked me how my pain was...i
told him that i could take a full breath, but since i was just laying there and
not moving, i was feeling better. i then told him that they didn't give me the
morphine because i had to drive home. he then ordered some extra strenght
tylenol and said the nurse would bring it right in. a while later, the nurse
brought me the tylenol....i told her that i had moved a little and to please
tell the doctor that there was no change in my pain. she left. a while later,
the doctor came back and i asked him if the nurse told him what i said. he said,
"yeah, she said you told her that the pain had come back??"... i explained to
him that no, the pain hadn't come back, but since i hadn't moved at all, i didn't
really know that the pain hadn't gone away at all. we discussed what might be
wrong with me, he very cursorily examined me, and after some discussion, told me
that he'd have a nurse bring me my meds so i could go home. he asked if i had
any other questions and i said, "it's really cold in here". he said that he'd
have a nurse come right in and give me a blanket.
so i laid there. cold and in pain...
the nurse who was the concierge lady came in and was looking in the cabinets for
something. she asked me if i was feeling better. i told her no.
finally (after some time), a very pretty nurse with strawberry blonde hair came
in and said that she had tried to pick up my medications but they weren't ready
yet, but she'd check again. i told her i was freezing cold and asked for a
blanket. she said, "oh sure, let me get you one"...
amazingly, she came right back with a warm blanket and a sheet. she tucked me
all in and made sure i was ok before she left. she was like an angel of mercy!
she came back a little while later with my medicine and discharge papers and
then i went home. once i got home, i ate something, and then took a vicoden and
a flexoril (which is a muscle relaxant) and went to bed.
all i know is that i got to the er at 6:50 am and i didn't get home until 11:00
am....and they didn't really "do" anything to me...mostly, i just laid there.
i paid $50.00 to just lay there. oh well, at least i got some good drugs out of
the deal....
so, it's sunday night, i'm still in pain, but i have to go to work tomorrow so i'll
just have to buck up and deal with it. the doctor said it's most likely a muscle
thing. it's certainly not a pinched nerve or a disc, and it should resolve
itself with bedrest. if it's not better by the end of the week (this coming
friday), i'm going back to the doctor.
a side note, on saturday, i managed to hobble to the team in training meeting
and signed up to do the nike women's 1/2 marathon in october. i have to raise $1800.00
for the leukemia and lymphoma society and team in training is going to train me
to run the race. i'm pretty excited about it, but i'll tell you this, my back
had better be well, cause i'm running this 1/2 marathon if it kills me!
if you want to, you can go to my race page and donate.
75% of all the money i raise will go directly to leukemian and lymphoma research,
the other 25% goes toward support services (like team in training). it feels
good to be doing something so substantial to help other people.
oh five/seventeen/oh five 050517_47.
everything you ever wanted to say to
someone...but didn't for some reason thirty things you wish you could say out
loud:
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of make up
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts
of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet.
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes...do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit
don’t forget you can make a donation to the leukemia and lymphoma society and
support me in my race! every little bit is so appreciated!!
oh five/eighteen/oh five 050518_79.
hey baby...what's yer sign?
i have this program at work called skype. it's an internet telephony/chat
program that is actually pretty cool. you can make calls (provided you have
speakers and a microphone) on your computer and it's handy for chatting with
some of the outside sales people (although using yahoo is less clunky and much
easier).
anyway, before i digress too much on my preference for chat programs, apparently,
you can do a search on skype for whoever is online. i'm constantly getting chat
invitations from guys who seem to do a search for any female currently online.
the chat usually goes sort of like this:
hi, i want to get to know you
i usually don't respond to them, or i ask them why they are contacting me...
it reminds me of how grateful i am that i) i am a lesbian and, ii) that i am a
lesbian.
all men think about is one thing...and if they say that's not true, they are
lying. (with the exception of my dad...all he thinks about is golf)
they are always "on the make". it's so ridiculous.
womyn are so much more dignified and definitely more subtle.
anyway, i know i'm not telling you anything you don't already know...i just
kinda had to get that off my chest.
in other news, nicky is doing GREAT! i never thought i'd be so excited to see
cat poop in the litter box! (is my world really that small??). and, as i've said
before, i've signed up for team in training and i've already raised $250.00!
only $2250.00 to go.
i'm actually starting to get really excited about the race. i haven't run in a
race in over 2 years and i think it's going to be fun!
so, i guess that's all there is...hope everyone has a cheery day!
oh five/nineteen/oh five 050519_71.
OH MY GOD, DON'T DO THAT!!!
so, i’m sitting here at work, minding my own business - playing solitaire. it’s so
quiet, you can hear people breathing. the only ambient noises are the sounds of
the air blowing through the vents, the occasional sniffle, typing noises,
someone pouring liquid from a larger container into a smaller cup, and someone
eating something that is wrapped in plastic.
this led me to think about how the sound of rustling plastic, especially if
someone is trying to do it quietly is like fingernails on a chalk board to me
and then i started thinking about all the other sounds that other people make
that drive me bonkers.
the ickiest one is the sound of someone eating and smacking their food. OH MY
GAWD that grosses me out! that and any kind of mouth smacking sounds - .especially
made when sleeping. i could never have a relationship with someone who made
mouth sounds when they slept. i’m not talking about snoring, but like smacking
their lips together or making like they have pasty mouth - you know what i mean???
i used to have this friend in jr. high and high school who had an airedale
terrier. whenever i would spend the night at her house (which was a lot) that
dog would lick herself in the middle of the night and that sound would make me
want to claw my skin off! which is why when i got expo as a puppy, i taught her
the command, “knock it off” so that when she was excessively licking herself, i’d
say, “knock it off” and she’d stop.
another thing that i just cannot deal with is when people are talking to you and
they have a little bit of spittle stuck on their lips or in the corner of their
mouth and as they talk, the spit stretches. it just stays on their lip - i cannot
stand that - .i can’t even look at a person if that’s happening to them, in fact,
just thinking about it now is giving me a lump in the back of my throat like i’m
going to hurl.
i had a professor who had that problem once, i don’t think i looked up the whole
semester
ick, ick and ICK!
i think that might bother me more than anything else in the whole world! it is
even worse than when people say nu-CUE-lar insead of nu-CLEE-ar. (that used to
send me off the deep end, but not so much anymore thanks to the distinguished
president of the united states who is dumber than a post).
you would think that someone, anyone, one of his advisors, his wife, someone
from the press corps. would say something to him.
excuse me mr. president, you really should say the word nuclear properly. saying
like a moron makes you look like the idiot you are, i mean, an idiot, sir -
but no, everyone just lets him continue to make an ass out of himself.
it’s a shame really. we used to be at least partially respected as a country,
but now we’re just a joke. thanks dubbya, thanks.
what a sorry state of affairs!
well, on that note, i’ll bid you a fair adieu -
don’t forget to donate, every little tiny bit helps!
and, by the way, anyone living in the bay area, have you seen our banner??? if
so, please let us know!
oh five/twenty
two/oh five 050522_65.
the tears still burn...
i realize that i am still so wounded. still so damaged. i've been thinking a lot
lately about "her". sort of re-living that moment in time when she broke my
heart into a million seemingly unrecoverable pieces.
i know why she's invaded my head. i sent her a donation request for my race and
she sent me an email. she's graduating from law school in a week or so...and she'll
be up here taking the bar exam.
i should be there. i should be graduating from law school with her. i should be
participating in the celebration of her accomplishment. but i'm not. i'm here,
alone, unhappy with my body (yet again), lonely, living in a place that doesn't
quite feel like home but not wanting to move.
i feel far away from myself. far away from who i'm supposed to be and who i want
to be. i feel empty inside and outside. i know what i need to do to take care of
myself, and i've been doing it, for the most part. i've been eating more
healthfully, i even started exercising again. i'm going to school...i have a
good job, i'm paying off my debts...but it's all fake. it's all just a cover. i'm
incognito...i'm acting.
sometimes, the act is believable, even to me...but today, i can't stand to look
at the faÁade.
i'm getting too old for this. too weary of this constant undertow of sadness.
too done with feeling like this. i am begining to understand that perhaps there
isn't anyone out there for me. i am beginning to understand that my lot in life
(at least this time around) is to suffer alone. sure, i get that we are the
creators of our own destinies, but no matter how hard i try, i cannot elude the
shadow that follows me and finds me, wherever i am, no matter how i'm feeling or
whatever i'm doing in my life.
i believe that there is one true love "out there". i believe that many people
are lucky enough to find that one person who matches so perfectly to themselves.
who fits into their heart like a key into a lock. some never find that person,
and they are probably better off for it, because to lose that person is to lose
a part of oneself that is not recoverable. to lose that person is to be forever
in pieces, never again to be whole.
"she" was that one person. she was my one true love and she is gone forever,
taking with her the most important part of me, my heart.
oh five/twenty six/oh five 050526_59.
slogging through
well, long time no post i guess...
i've been spending a lot of time just trying to put one foot in front of the
other lately.
i had another "issue" yesterday at work with a co-worker who basically just
unloaded on me for something that was essentially her fault...and of course, i
started crying...which i hate!
seems like the littlest thing sets me off into a fit of tears. i can't stand
that i am so sensitive lately.
my mother suggested that i have my meds checked, actually, kaiser randomly
switched my meds (from lexapro to celexa) and told me that they were essentially
the same...which, they are not...and so i have to call and have them switch my
meds back to lexapro...and try to get them to send them to me for free, since i
already paid for them once, even though they sent me different meds (and totally
without telling me first i might add).
other than that, my first training run is this saturday. i've been working out
on the stairmaster (i'm up to fifteen minutes) and i'm hoping that i'll be able
to run a mile...we'll see.
i'm a little concerned about the fund raising aspect of it. i sent out a bunch
of emails requesting donations, and i did receive a few, but not nearly enough....i
guess i'll just have to wait and see about that too.
anyway, not anything really exciting to report. i am getting even more involved
in the dyke march committee, so that's good (and fun), and michigan is 69 days
away. i just have to secure a pet sitter and then i can relax about that.
sometimes i think, "when is life going to" and then i stop myself...
what exactly am i waiting for life to do? get easier? that's never going to
happen... get instantly more fulfilling?? that's not going to happen either...
bestow upon me a sense of purpose?? that's also not likely. this is it...this is
life...i'm living it...nothing big is around the bend...it is whatever i make of
if, however daunting it may be...this is it.
oh six/oh one/oh five 050601_85.
run forrest, run!
well, i've done 2 training runs so far and they both just about killed me!
yesterday's run was hell! absolute hell!!!
it makes me so angry with myself that i used to be so fit and thin and able and
now i'm so out of shape and fat and sloggy! i can't stand that! as much as i
sometimes want to just not care that i'm fat, and be able to just enjoy whatever
food strikes my fancy, i can't...and so i am dieting and trying to lose weight
and it's frustrating!
i look forward to the days that running isn't so difficult and pray that this
training will start to kick in and i'll start seeing some results!
i was dead last yesterday. everyone else in my training group was totally
finished for probably 10-15 minutes by the time i got done. i had to walk a lot
of it, but i kept on trying.
i'm praying so hard that this gets easier. right now, it doesn't feel like i'll
be able to do this. but i know that i have 5 months and i'm training hard...so i
just have to keep the faith i guess.
i got my meds changed (thank God!) now i just have to pick them up.
oh six/oh six/oh five 050606_66.
an epiphany of sorts...
i finally have some career clarity! it came this weekend during school.
lemme 'splain. you see, we had this class that was broken into two sections. the
first section was taught by Dr. Martinelli and he taught us about the logistics
of being an expert witness and the business end of things. it was very
informative and interesting...
the second section was taught by Dr. Annette Ermshar who works for the DMH at
Patton State Hospital. She is BRILLIANT!!! the class was so good! she had so
much good info for us. the most germain being that a masters in forensic psych
isn't going to get you very far and that if you want to practice in the field,
you need to either get a Psy.D or a Ph.D.
the other piece of information that she imparted to us, or rather that i gleaned
from what she was saying and about which i discussed with her privately was that
the quality of the education that we were getting by attending school only once
a month for a full weekend as well as online left something to be desired. (which
i already knew and am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with). we discussed
that if i wanted to be a competent professional in the field, i'd have to attend
an accredited university and get my doctoral degree.
now, argosy is accredited...but i really have doubts about the quality of my
education.
so, she suggested a couple of graduate schools that i should look into, which i
did, and i found that any Psy.D or Ph.D program worth a damn is going to take
anywhere from 5 to 7 years to complete!
5 to 7 YEARS!!!
that's not going to fly for me. i don't want to do 5 to 7 more years of school.
maybe if i was 27 instead of 37 i'd feel differently, but i'm not, so i don't.
however, she did discuss the idea of forensic social work (which i had never
even considered)!
i've done a full year in an MSW program. so my intention now is to finish this
masters program (because i can't just drop out, i need to finish something) and
then to finish my MSW (hopefully at SF State). Then, I can get licensed and work
in forensic social work!
suffice it to say, i have my hope restored. the only thing i have to figure out
is how i'm going to manage going to school full time and still work. but i'll
cross that bridge when i come to it and that's not until next spring.
in other news, training is going well. i ran almost 3 miles on friday, stepped
for 30 minutes on saturday and did only 15 minutes on my stepper yesterday cause
it was sunday. i plan to run today after work at the berkeley marina and
tomorrow is a group training.
i'm exceedingly frustrated by the lack of weight loss! i switched from eating
all raw to doing the Lindora program, which is a weight loss center in southern
california on which i was very successful. it's similar to south beach in some
ways.
it's now day 4 (after 3 all protein days). after the three protein days and day
one of the eating plan, i had lost 4 pounds...and then yesterday, i weighed, and
i had gained 3 of them back, but i'm about to start my period, so i'm hoping
that's it. i've got to get this weight off, i am so freain' uncomfortable. i'm
exercising, i'm eating a well balanced diet, and i'm not losing any weight and
that makes me want to just say "fuck it all" and just be miserable and fat.
but i'm not giving up yet. i'm going to wait to see if there has been any weight
loss by the 15th before i make any rash decisions.
the 15th isn't any kind of magic date, it's just the date i picked...
i wanted to be a lot thinner by the time i go to festival, but festival is in 58
days, so i think i need to let go of that idea completely.
ugh.
did i mention, ugh?
i feel like life is happening so fast, and i'm not accomplishing anything at all.
oh six/oh nine/oh five 050609_19.
it's just up this hill...a little bit further...go, go, go! well, we did hill
training today. i thought i was improving, but today just about killed me.
however, i did it. 1 mile...all hills...which is more than i did last month...and
that's saying something.
i went to look at a house yesterday after work. 2 bedroom, huge yard, wood
floors...however, it is in the worst area of oakland...no thank you!
it would have been a nice house to live in, if it weren't for the ratio of crack
dealers to ordinary people being about 3 to 1.
and in weight related news...here's the latest pic. i'm starting to see a
difference.
before
one month
two months
three months
oh six/ten/oh five 050610_24.
back
to the earth
well, i know this is crazy making, but i think i'm going back to eating raw
again.
i've been doing lindora for 10 days now, i've lost about 5 pounds, but i
absolutely detest what i'm eating. i find myself choking down my meals and
longing for fresh fruit in abundance and any veggies i want...as opposed to 1
serving of protein, 1 serving of veggie (w/low carbs), 2 cups of lettuce, and 1
fruit serving (lower carb fruit)....
i want to go back to eating raw. i'm going to go back to eating raw...i just don't
think that i'll lose weight as quickly...but i don't think i can do this lindora
thing for much longer. in fact, i have chicken in my bag for my snack and the
thought of eating it makes me want to ralph!
of course, my mother was no help...she suggested that i keep doing lindora for a
while, despite the fact that what i'm eating is so unappetizing to me...
i am also so limited doing lindora. there is a potluck tomorrow after our run,
if i stay on lindora, i can't participate...if i'm eating raw, i can have any
fruits or veggies. same thing w/ our dyke march meeting tomorrow. we're having a
brunch and on lindora, i can't eat...or i have to bring my own food which only
sets me apart from everyone else....raw, i can have fruit salad which they are
serving.
i don't know why i'm going through all this rig-a-marole....i've already made up
my mind, i guess i just have to talk myself into it a bit.
so, i guess i'm going to the berkeley bowl after work, to stock up on fresh
veggies and fruits!
oh six/thirteen/oh
five 050613_48.
this is NOT how this is supposed to work! i've been
sidelined! sandbagged! benched!!!
in other words, i'm fucked!
i was running on saturday, i was feeling great! i was gonna do 4 miles w/o
stopping!!! and then...
my knee went!
the coach came running up behind me and i told him that i was having a lot of
knee pain. he told me to walk back to the start, no running for a week, cross
training was ok, but no running, ice and elevation.
so, i started walking (more like limping) back to the start...when i got back to
the 1 mile mark, i got a ride from someone on the support staff...i was in big
pain.
i left the run to go to my dyke march committee meeting, sat there for a couple
of hours, and when i got up to leave, i couldn't walk. i mean, litterally,
couldn't walk.
i managed to hobble to my car and get myself home, i took a vicoden (left over
from when my back went out) and went to sleep. i decided that if it wasn't any
better by morning, i'd go to the er.
so, on sunday morning, when i woke up and couldn't even bear weight on my leg, i
went...
they x-rayed me, the x-ray showed nothing, but when they examined me, they said
it looked like a miniscus tear.
so...i'm going to see the orthopedic dr. either tomorrow or the day after and we'll
take it from there.
i'm more pissed off than anything else, although it hurts like a mother!
if i can't run this race, i'll be so angry...but i won't know till after i talk
to the doc. there's still a chance i can do it.
worst case scenario, i'll have to wait and do the next team in training run (in
the fall), so all the money that i've collected through everyone's generous
donations will be moved forward to the next race. but we'll see...
oh six/sixteen/oh five 050616_36.
ouch and ouch! i had an MRI yesterday. it
wasn't so bad. not nearly as bad as the first one i had for my cancer scare. no
injection this time.
i'm still waiting for the results but i gotta tell you, this freakin' HURTS!
i'm pretty pain tolerant, with all the tattoos and piercings and such, but this
really hurts, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being agony and 1 being nothing at all,
i'd say i'm at about an 8. and the pain meds do pretty much nothing.
i can't take anything but the motrin while i'm at work, and that doesn't really
releive the pain...and when i'm home, i can take a vicoden, but that just knocks
me out for about 4 hours, and when i wake up, the pain is back.
both are woefully inadequate.
i'm hoping that the results of the MRI come back and say that i can start
training again by august. i figure if i can start running again by august, then
i can still do the 1/2 marathon...cause that'll be enough time to get up to 13
miles...but we'll see.
oh six/twenty two/oh five 050622_9.
she's baaaaaaccckkkkk! hi,
i realize long time no post - i’ve been sort of wrapped up with school and the
dyke march and frankly, i’ve been a little lazy with regard to my diary.
apologies all around!
my knee is still all fucked up, and i’m still on crutches. i can’t believe when
i was a little kid, i actually wanted crutches - they are such a pain in the ass (not
to mention the arm pits).
i was a pretty messed up kid - i always wanted stuff like braces, glasses,
crutches - i think what i wanted was attention - which i wasn’t getting from my mom
and dad - due to the fact that my brother had special needs - but i digress, uh..regress - .
at any rate, i have a doctor’s appointment on monday to tell me what’s wrong
with my knee and when i can start training again. it’s sucked not being able to
run (if you told me six months ago that i would have said that, i would never
have believed you and probably would have punched you in the face for even
suggesting such a thing).
on the academic front, i don’t know if i mentioned this before, but i’m planning
on finishing my masters in forensic psych - and then finishing my masters in
social work, so i can practice forensic social work. it feels good to have a
direction after all this time. i just wish i could hurry up and be done with
school already. speaking of which, i turned in my last final, paper, and
assignment this afternoon, so i’m officially on summer vacation!!! wahoo!
now i can focus on building (or rebuilding) the dyke march website. i
volunteered to do it, enthusiastically - despite the fact that i don’t know much
or really how to design a website at all. i downloaded a trial copy of
netObjects fusion and have been playing with that - only to get frustrated and
stop. i also have a copy of front page and macromedia’s dreamweaver, neither of
which i know how to use. i’m hoping i can teach myself web design quickly and
have a killer website to deliver to the dyke march committee - .keep your fingers
crossed.
i’m having a lot of fun on the dyke march committee. i’m a little sad that the
actual dyke march is this coming weekend - that means there won’t be any meetings
for a long while (i think we start meeting again in janurary). it’s made me
realize how isolated i am with respect to the dyke community. i don’t go to any
functions or events, i don’t live in a dyke neighborhood, i don’t do anything to
meet people - chances are, i’m probably not going to meet anyone that i want to
date - unless they are going door to door handing out pizza flyers or something of
that nature -
i know, i know, i can hear you all saying the same thing - ”go out and participate
why doncha” -
i don’t know, maybe i will - right now, i’m not feeling ready to do much more than
complain about it, but hey, it’s a start, right?
in addition to looking for that magical girlfriend who is just going to show up
at my door, i’m also still looking for that magical place to live that will have
a yard for the dogs and neighbors who don’t care about barking. i wish i could
afford to buy a place. a little cottage or small house in berkeley - that would be
ideal, yes it would.
in other rad news (i should make that a section on it’s own - rad news - makes me
sound like i’m 14 for God’s sake!)
my office had it’s big kick off party for the start of the fiscal year. each
year, they give us something. in the past it’s been sweats w/ the company logo,
last year, a blanket w/ the company logo (a great blanket i must say) - this year,
they gave us all ipod mini’s with the company logo. bitchen! i love it, although
i have yet to actually use it. but it’s cute! blue - and i’ve loaded 3 cd’s onto
it and it’s not even an 1/8th full! wa-freakin-hoo!
so, that’s pretty much all that’s interesting (and even some uninteresting stuff
thrown in for good measure!)
i’ll try to be better about updating!! i promise!!!
oh six/twenty six/oh five 050626_32.
don't cry little girl...no, really, stop crying! i am emotionally unstable.
there, i've said it.
i'm prone to bouts of crying, i tend to be a basket case, i get my feelings hurt
WAY too fuckin' easily.
suffice it to say, i'm a mess.
yesterday, at the dyke march (which went swimmingly i might add), i made a
comment to someone in a totally joking manner...i said, "young lady, you're
asking for a spanking"...to someone who neither identifies as a lady, nor (in
her eyes) even looks like one.
she got mad. and i insisted that she "educate" me because i didn't really get
why it would piss her off so much, considering i was just joking around...
she said that she doesn't identify as a lady, she's not remotely ladylike, she
gets mistaken for a man more times than she does for a woman, she basically
feels male, she resented the fact that she would have to have this conversation
with a dyke, of all people, and that basically, i should be more careful with my
language when it comes to gender.
she didn't say it in a mean or particularly angry way, but it stung nonetheless.
first of all, i felt like an idiot for saying it to her in the first place, and
second of all, it left me feeling particularly bereft...for lack of a better
word...realizing that i'm not a part of that world per se, that i don't really
understand what it means to be "trans" and that i don't really feel like i
have a place in the whole gender spectrum.
i don't feel butch, i'm definitely not a femme, i don't even feel particularly
androgynous, (although, if i had to pick a category, i guess that's what i'd
pick), i don't understand at all the whole butch-femme dynamic. what it means to
be a butch (not just looking butchy, but everything else that goes along with it).
the dyke community is so stratified. there aren't many dykes (that i've met
recently) who don't fall into one of those stratifications...there aren't many
dykes who are just womyn who love womyn and don't apply any other labels to it.
and basically, i don't feel like i fit anywhere...
so, getting back to yesterday, of course, feeling like a moron, i started to cry
(not in front of anyone, i went to my car and pretended to get stuff out of my
trunk)...and then i sat in my car for a sec and tried to stop crying.
of course, the minute i tried to become invisible, everyone started calling me
on the walkie talkie for some reason or another, so i had to go back and put on
a brave face...with red eyes.
one person asked me "what's wrong, your eyes are all red", and i said, oh, it's
allergies...which she bought, for some odd reason.
i wound up talking a little bit about it with the person's gf...but who knows if
she'll say anything to her about what i said or not...
needless to say, i spent the rest of the day feeling like a schmuck!
but other than that, and my emotional fragility which i don't seem to have any
control over, it was a great dyke march, and a fun day!
i did get to start off the dykes on bikes, and i got to stand in the middle of
the street with them all streaming past me! what a rush!!!
so i guess the day wasn't a total loss or anything like that...but i sure wish i
could get a grip on myself!
oh six/twenty
nine/oh five 050629_47.
walk!! walk like the wind!! i'm here at work, trying
to figure out a way to fuck off for an hour without looking like i'm fucking off...
i got my airline tickets for michigan today, that's a huge relief, i must say!
and i've decided that i'm going to switch to the walk team w/ team in training
instead of worrying about not being able to run for 3 months (per my doctor)
because of my knee.
thankfully, i'm off the crutches...
i have to say, after having a few days to think about it, being on the dyke
march committee fuckin' rocked! i loved every moment of it!!!
and
i get to do it all again next year! wahoo!!
i went to dinner last night with my tnt team. they all went on a 3-4 mile run
and i did 30 minutes on the stair master, then we all met at chevy's. it was fun.
very straight, but fun.
i wish i could find a group like that, that was made up of primarily queer folk.
it's hard being the token lesbo...which is the case pretty much everywhere, with
the exception of the dyke march committee...
not much else to report. hangin' in...ridin' the wave, shootin' the curl...blah
blah blah...i'm a dork!
seventh month,
first day, 2005th year 050701_53.
we're fucked, part deux well, we're
screwed. pretty well screwed.
with sandra day o'connor retiring from the supreme court, and rehnquist probably
not far behind her, dubya's gonna get to appoint at least one and probably two
justices to the supreme court.
o'connor's been the swing vote on every issue of importance since she's been
appointed.
"The first woman to serve on the court, O'Connor has been a crucial vote in
holding the middle ground on landmark rulings from abortion to abuses in money
and politics." (yahoo news)
basically, this opens the door for dubya to install his favorite right wing
conservative to the court. we could seriously see the end of legalized abortion,
the fact that they could overturn roe v. wade is a very real possibility!!
the government is cracking down on liberals and people's civil rights. a bizare
example can be found here.
in addition, we are being spied on, losing our privacy rights, and even our
personal blogs now may be illegal!
gay marriage is illegal in some states, and if dubya has his way, will be
illegal in all of them. slowly but surely, our civil rights are being further
erroded. and it's happening in such an insidious way, that unless you are a
member of a minority/oppressed group, you may not even notice until it's too
late, and it's quickly becoming too late.
frankly, i'm waiting for bush to declare himself emperor and just abolish the
whole democratic system.
i'm sure this isn't as eloquent as it could be, but to be perfectly honest, i'm
a little freaked out right now.
there are even some people who want to legislate tattoo's and body piercings. i
could be a walking talking illegality...a dyke w/ tattoos and piercings, it's a
wonder they haven't picked me up and taken me to guantanamo!
july 4th, 2005 050704_21.
just me, again here are some recent pics...look'it
how long my hair is!!!!
july sixth, in the year of our lord,
2005 050706_89.
ode to a fat ass this past weekend, i got invited to a party
by some of my friends on the dyke march committee.
first, let me say that i LOVE the friends i've made on the committee. they are
some amazing womyn and really great people. they are loving and caring and
intelligent and kind and i could go on and on, but i won't gush.
so, i got invited to this party on the 4th. it was some womyn's birthday and it
was sort of a pot luck and there was a TON of great food!
i'd say that 90% of the people there were womyn and 95% of them were fat womyn.
a couple of them were big players in the fat acceptance movement, people i've
heard the names of, but never met in person.
it is good and scary at the same time to be around people who are so unabashadly
and unashamedly fat. some of them very fat, some of them not so fat, but all of
them honest and open and real.
it is interesting to me that i keep teetering on the edge of the fat acceptance
movement...one day, i'm all in, the next i'm trying to lose weight...i'm
constantly fretting that no one will find me attractive sexually, and yet i see
these very large womyn w/ partners and girlfriends (some fat, some thin).
i find myself not being attracted to womyn who are very large...i constantly
hear my mothers voice in my head, judging them...judging me. i wonder what it
would be like to be with a very large womyn in bed...and it kind of turns me off...i
find myself watching what they eat...monitoring it sort of...and at the same
time, marveling that they can eat whatever they want and they don't give a fuck.
it doesn't bother them in the least. they don't worry about it, they don't
calculate how many minutes on the stair master it'll take to burn off that extra
piece of chicken, they just eat it.
and for the most part, they dress in whatever they like. they don't wear jeans
and t-shirts to try to hide their bodies, they wear cute see through tops over
camisoles w/ leggings or skirts, sexy outfits that show off their ample cleavage,
cute tank tops with no care about showing off their arms. i'm jealous of that. i'm
jealous of their apparent lack of self consciousness surrounding their eating
and their manner. they don't apologize for the space they take up.
and then there is me...afraid of being who i am, not really sure of who that is,
not comfortable in my own skin, feeling safer hiding in my own bed than being
out in the world...trying not to take up space at all.
it's a conundrum...and it's exhausting.
sometimes i wish i could just say fuck it all and get really fat...i mean, huge!
but i'm not sure what that would accomplish, and i know that i don't feel
comfortable in my body when i'm so large...in fact, i'm not so comfortable in my
body right now, but i spend a fair amount of time disassociating, so i don't
notice it some of the time. (which i know is not healthy, but it's a coping
mechanism which, for now, works)
there have been times in my life, primarily when i was thin and healthy, that i
felt that i was free of all of this...free of the negativity and fat hatred,
free of the self hatred, free of the insane thinking...but even thin, i wasn't
comfortable in my skin and didn't like myself...so methinks that it has nothing
to do with size or food...(probably a good guess, no?).
i often wonder about who i must have been in a past life. was i some kind of
horribly conceited person?? someone judgmental?? a person who looked at other
people with disdain who was unable to see or appreciate the suffering of others??
i must have been a bad bad person...because i spend so much of this life wanting
to be a part of, wanting to be accepted and trying to be a good human being...but
feeling like i'm a fraud and failing at it miserably.
perhaps i'll get it right the next time around??
my God i hope so!!
July 06, 2005 050706_32.
just for the record... just for some clarification, because i think i'm being
misunderstood (although, it's my diary, and it's the place where i can freely
write my feelings without censoring them, so i'm not sure why i care...but i do)
some comments were made and i feel like i should respond to them.
first, abby said:
well. i'm really cute. and for right now, i'm fat. so....i guess what it comes
down to is that if i'm "too fat" for anyone to sleep with, well, that's their
shit.
********************
well said abby! i want to point out that for me, i don't generally judge people
based on their size. if i meet a womyn who i am attracted to, it has never
mattered if she was fat or thin...if the attraction was there.
what i was saying was more in reference to the womyn at the party i went to, i
wasn't attracted to anyone at the party, and there were quite a few very large
womyn. i tried to go there in my head (about them) but there wasn't any
attraction there, so i couldn't...i guess, if i met someone who was very large,
who i had chemistry with, it wouldn't matter...although, i do still hear my
mother's voice in my head...but like you said, that's my own shit.
____________________________________
and kaire said:
You can't simplfy the thoughts of a person you've never been either. You've not
been obese, so you can't presume what a fat person thinks or feels, just as I've
never been gay, so I cannot presume what a gay person thinks or feels. It's a
shame your mother taught you to judge a person by their looks and not by the
quality of the person. Good people come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and sexual
orientations ... just like assholes do.
**********************************
kaire,
for the record, i have been obese...so i do know what it feels like to be a fat
person.
and what my mother indoctrinated me with and what i actually do are two
different things. i do not judge anyone by their looks. i have been judged many
times by what i look like and it doesn't feel good. i generally take people on
their individual merits...so i kind of resent the fact that you appeared to get
snarky with me...since you don't really know me at all...
i'm 37 years old and have learned a long time ago that my mother is a judgmental
person and has a lot of shit...none of which i chose to take on as my own. i do
tend to put a lot of stock in what she thinks about me, but i in no way judge
people the way that she does nor do i make decisions about anyone based on looks
(and sometimes not even based on actions).
i'm not sure if you were calling me an asshole, it sure sounded like it...but i
am a good person and anyone who knows me will tell you the same.
the seventh of july, 2005 050707_14.
can't see the forest for the trees...hell, can't even see the trees! i'm feeling
rather discombobulated lately. if i didn't know better, i would think i was
having an identity crisis.
the fact of the matter is that i don't know better, and i very well may be
having an identity crisis.
these are the things i know unequivocally:
1. i am most definitely a lesbian
2. i am not happy in general
3. i am lonely
4. i sleep too much
5. i prefer to be alone rather than with a big group of people. (which
apparently flies in the face of the fact that i'm lonely...but it is what it is)
these are the things i'm a little confused on:
1. what i'm doing with my life (education/career)
2. whether or not i should move (to a safer neighborhood, to a place w/ a yard,
etc.)
these are the things i'm completely lost on:
1. how i feel about womyn, who i'm attracted to...if i'm actually more asexual
than not.
2. whether or not people like me...they seem to, but there are a few people (primarily
at work) who are downright mean to me...which makes me question whether or not i'm
a likeable person in the first place)
3. what i really want to do with my life
4. to stay fat (and try to get healthier and have acceptance for the way my body
is) or to go on an all out assault on fat and get thin
5. how i feel about myself, in general and in specific
6. my lesbian identity, in that i don't know where i fit in the spectrum of
things (butch, femme, andro, tranny, etc...)
7. what i actually want...not things, not stuff to fill up time and space, but
spirituality, intelligence, life goals...and what am i willing to actually work
for...not only that, but how to go about it...what are the actual steps i would
need to take to achieve said goals...whatever they may actually be.
8. this sort of pertains to #7, but how to stick with something...anything. i
tend to start something (a healthy eating plan, an exercise regimine, a book, a
tv show, an art project, a job, school, every fucking thing in my life) and wind
up giving up, getting bored, forgetting about it, or just stopping altogether.
lately, all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
nothing sounds good. nothing tastes good. nothing looks good. if i were to
hazard a guess as to what's going on, i'd say that i'm either at the beginning
of a strong depression cycle, or that my meds aren't working.
i couldn't even finish cleaning my house yesterday before the pet sitter came
over. i managed to clean the kitchen and the living room...but my bedroom and
the bathroom are still gross...i just wound up closing those doors. pathetic!
i've been missing "her" a lot lately. despite the fact that she cheated me,
left me, broke my heart. i think i'm just missing the idea of her...not her
actually...i swear, she broke me. she really did me in...damaged me, seemingly
irreparably. i wish i could tell her that...but she wouldn't feel bad about it,
she wouldn't take any responsibility for what she did...so what would be the
point really?? she'd just tell me that i have to move on...grow up and move on...
and she'd be right.
i feel like i'm on the edge. i'm constantly on the edge of tears. i'm always on
the edge of sleep. i'm edgy. i'm easily angered and frustrated.
suffice it to say, i'm lost...just plain lost.
the 20th of july, 2005 050720_60.
the long and the very short of it i got my hair cut yesterday (again). it's
really short. boy short. i love it. i have always loved my hair like this.
the problem is (and it's really not a problem) that no one else seems to like it.
no one else being the people at my work.
so far, i've gotten the following comments:
"you cut off all your hair!!! why did you do that??"
"OH MY GOD!"
[SHOCKED STARE]"WHY!!!???"
"wow, that's short"
now, if i wasn't completely used to those types of responses...i think they
might bother me...but since i've been hearing such reactions since i've had
short hair, which has been most of my life, i know to expect them.
still, no matter how good you're feelin' when you hear enough of those comments,
it can start to bring you down.
i was feelin' pretty damn cute...but now i'm starting to question my decision to
go short...
ah, fuck em...i love it like this.
and in other news...i ran 4 miles last night (ran for 6 minutes, walked for 3)
and my knee's feelin' pretty good. although, i feel down the stairs this morning
(just 2 stairs in my apartment...i slipped and landed on my butt) and that
tweaked my knee a tiny bit, but so far, so good.
it feels good to have sore muscles. i've always liked that feeling. now i just
have to get my ass out of bed tomorrow morning for the track workout and i'll be
good to go.
July 26, 2005 050726_82.
hah! that's
funny! sort of, ok, not really... ok, long time no update, i get that...i've
been incredibly busy being in my head lately.
i'm leaving for michigan in 8 days and i feel like i have so much to do (so much
that i have time to take stupid quizes and post the results).
so, if i still have any readership left, i give you the results of this silly
quiz i took to evaluate my style of humor. it's pretty accurate, frighteningly.
the Wit
(65% dark, 39% spontaneous, 27% vulgar)
your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK
You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an
intellectual, but don't take that to mean you're pretentious. You realize 'dumb'
can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for
its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity
leave you totally flat.
I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect
mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most
effort to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.
Also, you probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about,
check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 99% on dark
You scored higher than 0% on spontaneous
You scored higher than 33% on vulgar
Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid
July 27, 2005 050727_48.
2 degrees
of separation i went to see melissa ferrick last night at the freight & salvage
in berkeley w/ beth. it was a really good time! i'm so glad that she (beth)
suggested that we go have a little mini pre-fest fest!
and, while i was waiting for beth to show up, a little nervous about finding her,
not knowing what she looked like or anything else about her, i struck up a
conversation with the two womyn in front of me...
turns out, they were also from the OC and we started chatting.
later, after beth had (thankfully) found me, we somehow got on the subject of
cal state long beach (go beach!) and it turned out that we had all done a stint
there...
the womyn in front of me started asking me who i knew, if i knew anyone at the
center (the glbtq center)...i asked her if she knew "the doctor" ("her"
sister) and lo and behold, she did...she happened to be friends w/ her in
college...she might have even remembered hearing about "her" and i...
ok, it's a pea sized world, i get that...but still....
so, back to beth...we met on the michigan bb and she suggested that we meet at
ferrick. she's great! i really like her!! i feel like i've known her for a
really long time. apparently, she's read most (if not all) of my diary here...and
she still wants to hang out with me...go figure! she's a really nice, together
person. i'm hoping that we can spend some time at fest to talk and get to know
each other. a nice new friend!
she also gives me hope.
she and i were talking about getting our hearts trampled, and she went through a
similar thing w/ her ex...getting her heart all squished and such...and she'd
been dating for a while and she met someone recently who is the bees knees and
she really likes...which means, that if she can find someone and be able to open
her heart...then the possibility that i can find someone "out there" and be
able to love again is infinitely greater.
so, that's my story, i'm sticking to it...and i'm holding out hope that there is
love out there for me somewhere.
[ok, spending an evening listening to melissa ferrick sing about all the love
she's looking for and all the love she's lost and turned her back on may have
something to do with it. i swear, first a break up song, then a love song, then
a looking for love song, then a break up song, etc...
if she's had as many relationships as she sings about, then i've got loads of
womyn ahead of me!]
August 19, 2005 050819_29.
back in
the world...again i'm back from festival! what an amazing time!!!
i'll write more later, but just wanted to check in and let ya'll know that i'm
still alive and kickin'!
August 21, 2005 050821_17.
missing:
heart...last seen in michigan w/ womyn from nola... well, i went to michigan and
had a great time! i camped, i sang, i danced, i played, i got to see my best
friend, if only for a brief time, and...i lost my heart.
that's right, i met someone...
now, i should point out that i met her last year at festival, but had my head
way too far up my butt to do anything about it (because of fear, mostly)...and
this year, i promised myself that i would leave myself open to any possibility...which
i did.
i should also point out that she now has a girlfriend (who was also at fest),
which made things infinitely more complicated.
i should also, also point out that nothing "happened" between us per se...that
is, we did kiss...and snuggled, and got to spend some AMAZING time together (which
only solidified and confirmed my feelings for her and served to strengthen the
heart connection that i felt), but we didn't have sex...out of respect for her
relationship and the fact that i don't think she wanted to "go there" at the
time...
i cannot explain how hard i fell (am falling) for her. i felt an incredible
heart connection and all i wanted to do was be near her in some capacity. i
would even go so far as to say that i love her very much! am i "in love" with
her?? well, i don't know if i let myself go that far, but it could so easily
happen!
ya know when you meet someone, and you just know in your heart of hearts how
good you could be together, that she could be "the one", so to speak...
well, that's how it felt.
and i know that feelings are amplified and heightened at festival...it's not the
real world...but i've had a thing for her since i first laid eyes on her last
year and it's only intensified since then...even over an entire year of not
seeing her.
getting to know her better this year only made my feelings grow.
so, great, you say...fabulous!!! you're heart is open, you've met someone who
likes you!!! wonderful! mazel tov!!!
unfortunately, it's not that simple...
you see, she lives 2276 miles away from me...that's about a 36 hour drive...
and
she's in a relationship...which, as much as it is killing me to do so, i have to
respect, out of my love and admiration for her and my deepest desire for her
utmost happiness, regardless of who that's with.
have i thought about packing up and moving across the country?? you know i have!!!
would i consider doing it to give "us" a try should she ever become available??
HELL YES! have i already looked for rentals on craigslist in her part of the
country? yep, sure have...
but all i can do is be patient and wait for a time that may (or may not) come.
i'm so heart sick right now, i can't really eat...i spend WAY too much time
sleeping...and all i can do is think of her! i'm missing her so much right now
it's crazy! i can only hope and pray that she misses me too.
i promised her when i left the land that i would "be ok"...and i will be...but
what i wouldn't give to hear her voice on the phone right now...or get a little
email or note from her telling me that she misses me too.
time will tell. right? right!
once i get back to work, and have stuff to do that fills my time, like school,
and getting back to training for my run...i know that i'll be better...but
sitting around my house w/ nothing to do but laundry and cleaning leaves me in a
state of flux that is less than comfortable...missing her...longing for her...wanting
to know if she misses me too...it's just too intense. i can't even look at her
picture...it's just too painful right now.
so, that's my story, and i'm sticking to it...
apologies ahead of time for those of you reading who will have to slog through
my processing about this womyn and how much i care for her and miss her...
August 23, 2005 050823_62.
sunny
day, sweeping the clouds away... [written yesterday - but not posted]
it’s a beautiful day - the sun is shining, there is a breeze, you can smell the
ocean! i feel good in my skin, my jeans are loose, work is not horrible (although
there is a ton to catch up on), i’m having a big salad for lunch - it’s all good -
i wonder what the weather’s like in new orleans today??
i’m thinking about getting another tattoo - on my left forearm - and possibly
getting my nipples pierced. i was thinking of doing the piercing this weekend,
on saturday, after i run 10 miles. it’s my birthday that day and i can’t think
of a better way to mark it in style than poking some holes in myself after
dragging myself on my legs for 10 miles -
i’m trying to be upbeat and positive -
[written today]
so, i guess my biggest fear/worry, is that she’ll get home and decide that it
was just a nice michigan “fling” and that she’s happier struggling through
whatever she’s struggling through - and that she’ll not have any hope that what we
shared could be carried over into the “real world” and she’ll just give up on it -
and - i have no way of getting in touch with her, cause she’s not home yet - and my
head keeps spinning (in most unpleasant ways) that i’ve made it all up in my
head and that she was just humoring me.
ah, such is my life - as it seems -
my mom told me today, “remember, this means that your heart is open - don’t close
it to other possibilities” to which i replied, “i know, i know - blah blah blah”
how can you explain it, that you know, in your heart of hearts - in your soul,
that there is a connection there - that this could be such an amazing thing - .when
all your mom wants to do is poo-poo it -
i’ll just keep holding on - i guess.
anyway, i’m rambling - this can’t be interesting reading. sorry ëbout the
obsessing - and thanks for listening!
this entry has been brought to you by the letter D and the number 2.
August 24, 2005 050824_14.
don't
weep for what never was... well, i got the big, “i just want to be friends with
you” email - so i guess this love affair is over before it got started.
again, such is my life -
i wonder, will it ever go my way? will it ever be my turn?? i try to be a good
person, i try to do good out in the world - i try to put others first (while still
taking care of me) - and yet, i’m always just missing the mark.
it’s hard to write this, i’m trying not to cry as my heart crumbles into a
gazillion pieces, but it’s not working - .too many tears.
she told me that she doesn’t want me “obsessing” about her - but what she doesn’t
realize is that it wasn’t obsession - it was true, real feelings that i will
probably always have for her - unrequited love -
i’ve really got to get a grip on myself here - .being at work w/ a bright red nose
isn’t good for my professional persona (hah! anyone that really knows me knows
that i don’t actually have a “professional persona” - )
ok, i’m ok - i’ll just close up my heart once again and lock it away - .it’s not
safe to take it out anyway, it always tends to get broken - fragile thing that it
is.
besides, what is that they say, “if you love somebody, set her free...if she
comes back, she’s yours - if she doesn’t, she never was” - .blah blah blah -
frankly, i think i prefer, “if you love somebody, set her free - if she comes back
to you, good - if she doesn’t, hunt her down and kill her”
ok, that’s a little extreme - but you get my drift.
anyway, i’ll be ok - i have to be -
it’s just me against the world i guess - destiny is cruel, no?
August 25, 2005 050825_63.
a
conversation between friends chnacat: oh, my heart hurts....
chnacat: why me?
jen: i don't know why you. I don't think there is a reason that will ultimately
render you deserving of this kind of treatment. But I know that's a question you
will want to ask nonetheless because we always want things to be fair, and
clearly this isn't.
jen: If things were fair, then we'd have more control.
jen: I'll stop waxing poetic now.
chnacat: no, it's good
chnacat: seriously though...when is it my turn??
jen: i don't know but i do know that if you never open your heart again, you won't
have a turn. you're certainly entitled to close it for a while, it's only
healthy I think while you lick your wounds, but then you have to open it back up.
she isn't worth closing it perpetually.
chnacat: yeah, i know...
chnacat: but i'm SO tired of getting kicked.
chnacat: seriously..
jen: i was just sitting here thinking, if you said those words to me, I'd just
roll my eyes b/c it never feels worth it to me.
chnacat: well, the older i get, the less worth it it seems...there used to be a
time when i believed in love...that there was one true love for a person and
that if you ever found that true love, that everything would be ok, and that
things would be over-comable...ya know?
jen: i really see this situation as her leading you on just enough to give you
hope, while there still being signs there to see that she wasn't going to return
your substantive feelings. she didn't treat you well and a lot of her actions
toward you were wrong.
chnacat: yeah....or we were both caught up in the magic of michigan...
chnacat: or i just made it all up in my head
chnacat: either way, it sucks
chnacat: and i can't let go of that tiny little ray of hope that she'll still
come to me...
chnacat: which i need to let go of, cause it's fucking me up
jen: yeah, i do know. although, i don't believe in the "one" true love anymore.
I think that there are probably those people that each of us could settle down
with and share a meaningful relationship, with enough work, b/c no matter how
magical, it always takes work. I don't think that we could all just have a
relationship with anyone, I just think that there is more than 'one'
jen: b/c what if she died or something before i met her
jen: back to you, i don't think that you made it all up in your head. I do think
that you were caught up in the magic of michigan and therefore, didn't see
beyond the positive things about her.
jen: I do think that you should let go of that hope b/c if she did come to you,
i think that you deserve better than her
jen: but i know you don't want to hear that
chnacat: i think that there are a lot of positive things about her. i really can't
fault her for what went down...it was a complicated situation to begin with...and
she treated me kindly
chnacat: well, if she did come to me, it'd have to be because she loves me and
decided to be true to me...
jen: well, we won't argue that latter. and i didn't mean that she's a horrible
person, I have no doubt she has a lot of positive characteristics b/c you liked
her so much, and you value real qualities in people. I just meant that you saw
only the positive aspects in being with her, and there were other things she was
doing that weren't so nice.
chnacat: yeah, i guess.
August 25, 2005
050825_71.
longing for a land far far away well, there's 347 days, 22 hours,
and currently 2 minutes until next year's fest.
i know i say this every year, but i honestly do not know how i'm going to make
it THAT long before getting back on the land!
i'm ok...i mean, i'll be ok...but i really don't feel 100% ok unless i'm on the
land...
it is there that i feel the most myself. the most comfortable in my skin. the
most alive...
so, i spend the rest of the time in the "unreal" world (as cory likes to call
it) waiting until i can get back to michigan every august.
it really is too bad that we can't form some sort of collective, and live there
year round...i mean, i know it's not entirely realistic...people have lives...but
wouldn't it be loverly??
yes, yes it would.
in other news...my heart still hurts. i think it will for some time now. but i'm
hangin' in...i always do.
and, i'm looking forward to getting pierced on saturday...but i'm still not sure
if i'm going to just do my left, or both nipples...i guess i'll decide when i'm
there and i see what it looks like, yea?
i am SO missing all my friends from festival right now! my crew, the sprouts
crew! lemondancy!!!!! the belly bowl...deuce, mags, debra, fae, karen, jo,
denslow, mickey/eunice, abby, katie, so many more!!!
what i wouldn't give to be back on the land right now w/ my festival family!!!
the one thing that sort of makes it ok is that i know i'm not the only one who
feels like that...so i know i'm not alone.
not that i wish for anyone else to be all angsty like this...but it is nicer to
know i'm not the only one suffering...
some day i'll figure out how to keep those feelings (the one's i have about
myself and about life) the whole year round....but until that time, it's awful
tough out here in the world.
August 25,
2005 050825_52.
the trifecta! ok, i know this rarely happens...three times
in one day...but i just had to show you all my
new favorite website!!
go there and amuse yourselves, why doncha!
August 26, 2005 050826_99.
da na na na na na, they say it's yer birthday...
tomorrow's my birthday...
i'm going to be 38.
i don't know how i feel about it...i'm trying not to do the "pity party" thing...ya
know, cause i'm not havin' a party, not gettin' any presents or cake or anything.
i did however, invite the filmmaker to come to lunch w/ me after i visit the
piercing shop...
and then, at about 5:00, i have to go to a team in training fundraiser thingy
that i'm volunteering for.
again, as in years past...it'll just be a regular day.
really, it's my own doing...and i know this, but sometimes i just wish that i
was a little kid again, and that someone would make a big deal out of my
birthday...ya know?
getting old is harsh....getting old alone sucks the big wang!
on a happier note, my boss did tell me that i could go home early today for my b-day...i
lurve my boss!
August 29, 2005 050829_16.
the birthday report... well, it was a nice birthday! i got up at the butt crack
of dawn and did a 10 mile training run!
i was wholly impressed with myself at that point and running on adrenaline...so
to speak...afterwards.
i went home and took a little nappy...which was devinely delicious...
then i got up, showered, and went to pick up the filmmaker, and off to the
piercing place we went.
the womyn who i wanted to pierce me wasn't there, but it actually worked out for
the better, because todd, the guy that did pierce me was a consumate
professional!!! he did a great job, almost painless...(almost).
after i got both nipples pierced, the filmmaker and i went to the oakland dyke
march, and then after that, i went home and took another delicious nap.
i was supposed to go do a team in training fundraiser...cause i'm about $300.00
shy of my fundraising goal...but i decided to stay home and relax...being that
it was my birthday and all...
sunday, i got up, showered, picked up the filmmaker again, and went into the
city. i dropped the filmmaker off near the castro, and went to pick up two
friends from the dyke march committee. they treated me to a yummy brunch, and
then we went to the storage garage to inventory the left over dyke march t-shirts.
it was a really fun two days!!!
in other news...all my friends who live in NOLA have evacuated and are
apparently safe...waiting out the hurricane.
i'm just praying my guts out that they all have homes to return to!
i've never felt so helpless before! all this horrible distruction going on and
absolutely nothing i can do about it!
so, if you can, light a candle, say a prayer, do a ritual, or chant for all the
people who are in the midst of the storm. pray for their safety and their safe
returns to their homes!!!
all my love goes out to them...
slogan of the week:
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
August 30, 2005 050830_50.
some
people never learn... i’m an idiot.
it’s true - i have proof -
so, you know about the hurricane, right?? well, i have quite a few friends and
people i care deeply for who were basically right in the path of the damn thing.
all my friends from NOLA evacuated - which was good, but i was/am still really
worried for them about what they have to come home to -
my friends in Birmingham are currently un-contactable - so i don’t know if they
are ok -
needless to say, i’m feeling a little stressed and a lot helpless, all the way
over here in California where the weather is beautiful and there’s not water
flooding my house -
so
i get it in my head that i’m going to send a care package to the one i lost my
heart to (and her gf) to help get them through and possibly cheer them up during
this crappy and scary time.
i get it in my head to the point that i become a little fixated on it - and all i
want to do is to send the damn package - however, i don’t have the address of
where they are staying, and no one else seems to have it, which then creates
this sort of drive in me to find the address and send the damn package - as though
by sending the package, i’m able to “do” something - .and that’ll make me feel
less helpless -
pretty selfish, i know!
so, i ask everyone for the address - no one has it - i’m starting to feel a little
desperate - i ask my friend in Birmingham if she knows how to get it - she suggests
i email this other person who knows the person they are staying with - i do - that
person gives me the phone number - and i call - and the person they’re staying with
answers, and i explain, clumsily that i’m trying to send a care package - blah
blah blah - and she says, “hold on darlin’, she’s right here, lemme get her for
you” -
so
i talk to her on the phone - and i can tell that she’s irritated - and i feel like
an idiot for tracking her down like that - and all i wanted to do was send the
stupid package - and now it’s become this big thing and i’m an asshole - and i’ve
asked everyone for the address - and it’s like - geezus lisa, lay off man!!! give
the womyn some freakin’ space already!!!!
and then i get an email from one of her best (if not her best) friends,
basically telling me to back off - and she’s right - and i feel like such a jerk - but
it’s too late - cause the damage is done.
and the package?? i wound up sending it to her work - and i probably shouldn’t
have sent it at all, but i made such a big deal out of it that i kinda had to
send it -
and now, i feel like an idiot, and all i want to do is curl up and die - and she’ll
probably never want to hear from me again - which, really, can ya blame her?? and
once again, i’ve fucked up something potentially good in my life -
i’m not sure if i’ll ever learn!! i mean, it felt like a sort of bad idea (or
more like a not such a good idea) from the get go - but for some reason, i got
stuck on sending the damn package - and that was it - going down a bad path and
somehow not able to stop myself and get off the path and lick my wounds and go
home -
sometimes i think that many people would be so much better off if i just never
came into their lives!! ya know??
anyway, i’m going to leave her alone - i’ve done enough damage i think -
August 31, 2005 050831_92.
the
times you realize what really matters are the times you need to hang on to i can't
even watch the news or cnn...it ties my stomach in knots.
knowing that there are people that i love and care for who are essentially now
homeless...and not knowing when or if they will be able to get back to their
homes, or what's left of them. it just makes me want to burst into tears, throw
myself in bed and never get up again.
it also makes doing mundane things seem, well, mundane...
going to work, making sure that people pay for their software, blah blah blah...it's
all so stupid in the grand scheme of things.
if i had my druthers right now, i'd get on an airlplane and go help the
hurricane victims...but i can't leave my job to go help other people....(which
is a really fucked up thing if you ask me, which you didn't)
and i feel so far away and disconnected from my NOLA friends, and the best thing
to do right now is just to leave them alone and say prayers for them...they know
how to reach me if they need me...but they all have so much to sort out right
now and think about how they are going to rebuild their lives...they don't need
to be worrying about anything else right now, ya know??
and all those people who were living in the superdome, and now are being
evacuated...what about them?? what about their homes and their lives.
it's incomprehensible! i can't even write coherently about it!
and i realize that life isn't remotely fair, but how is it possible that we
could be having beautiful weather here while people's lives are being destroyed
less than 3000 miles away?? how is that fair?? how is that right??? i can't
reconcile it in my head...and i feel numb and helpless.
and what about the animals...the pets who were abandoned or lost in the
hurricane, pictures of dogs standing on steps with water rising...breaks your
heart, but i can't stop thinking about the people!!! it's hard to worry about
dogs and cats when there are so many people in trouble too...it's mind boggling
really...it makes no sense.
and it seems like just yesterday, i was in michigan, and all was right with the
world. how quickly things can change!!! how quickly lives can be turned upside
down and inside out!!!
and i keep going back to the fact that my friends are safe, thank God!! and that
the things they lost are just things...and they all still have their lives...and
then my heart breaks, because i think about what i would do i their situation. i
sit in my room and look around at my things and try to think, "they are just
things....they mean nothing...and try to imagine losing absolutely everything i
own...and i just can't even go there in my head. i can't comprehend it...it's
too big!
and i just want to wrap my arms around the people i love and take care of them,
and tell them that everything is going to be ok! but it's not ok...and i can't
promise that it will be ok, because i have no way of making it ok...
i don't know...it all makes everything in my life seem so petty and ridiculous...that
i would get my ego bruised over trying to send that stupid package...that i
worry that the person i was trying to send the package to might never speak to
me again...all selfish.
the fact is, that person is alive...and she's with her girlfriend, and they're
together and they can cling to each other and love each other and take care of
each other. and that they are able to stay with a friend who cares for them and
can shelter them. those are the important things in life! that's what matters.
the rest of it is all incidental!
September 02, 2005 050902_86.
what if... do you ever see yourself doing
something, in your head, that you would never do (or hope to never do) in
reality?? like, for example, today, i’m walking down the hall in the office, on
my way to the kitchen to get coffee - i’m holding my coffee mug sort of sideways,
in my hand - and all of a sudden, i think/see in my head, me - throwing the coffee
cup as hard as i can down the hallway -
kinda reminds me of that movie, donnie darko - .
and i imagine, that if my life really were a movie, that there would be a cut of
some sort, and then me throwing the cup as hard as i could down the hall - and
then a cut back to me standing in the hallway, holding the cup -
which one is real???
this happens to me a lot -
i’ll think about doing something, or saying something totally inappropriate - or
when i’m driving, i’ll see (in an alternate reality??) me, driving as fast as i
can head on into something or some one - (cut back to me just driving) - or driving
off the bridge - or something of that nature.
i wonder if i’m crazy - if i’m losing it - cracking up -
and i worry that one of these times, i’ll just lose all impulse control and
actually do the thing that i’m thinking about or seeing in my head. i mean,
seriously - i have bad moments - we all do - times when i seriously think that this
world would be better off without me in it - and i usually just try to shake those
moments off, chalk it up to my horrible self esteem, or depression, or whatever,
and keep trying to move forward in as positive a direction as possible -
but what if -
what if one time, i just give up - and drive my car into that tree - or punch
someone in the face - or throw my coffee cup down the hall with all the force i
can muster - what if, one time, i just throw myself off the bridge - what if - .
and what if the world actually would be a better place without me mucking it up??
what if i am deluding myself by thinking that i actually have a purpose here??
and who the hell do i think i am - feeling sorry for myself, when i have a home to
go to, and my life hasn’t been turned completely inside out by a hurricane -
as you can see, i’m struggling a bit.
i was talking to my co-worker today about survivors guilt. and how, even though
we are thousands of miles away, there is this horrible feeling of , “why them
and not me” - kind of thing - and how is it possible that things here could be so
calm and things there could be so chaotic and there’s nothing anyone can do -
you can’t “go” there to help, you can’t reach anyone, there’s nothing you can
say to make it better, there’s nothing you can physically do (aside from send
money and prayers) - it’s maddening.
i can’t watch the news anymore, it’s too disturbing and leaves me feeling too
helpless - and frankly, i can’t spare the tears any longer. it just upsets me too
much and i don’t have any way of making it ok - and all i do is worry about the
people i care about, and the people i don’t even know - and worrying isn’t doing
anyone any good at all -
i’ve been walking around for days with my stomach in knots - feeling out of sorts,
not wanting to do anything but sleep - and i cannot even imagine what it must feel
like to be one of those people who survived the storm - someone completely
displaced from their home and friends and family - i think the pressure would
cause me to crack -
and i’m usually SO good in an emergency. the calm one, the one that gets things
done - the one who keeps her head and can think clearly - and maybe, if i was in the
midst of this particular emergency, i’d be all of those things - but not being “in
it” - and being so far away and helpless to do anything, i’m falling apart.
i dunno - i just don’t -
September 04, 2005 050904_72.
it's
all mediocre... i'm still feelin' kinda lost.
i was supposed to run yesterday...didn't...
should've run this morning...didn't...
should run sometime this weekend...probably won't.
which is all well and good, but i have this 1/2 marathon coming up...ya know,
the one i've been raising money for...yeah that one...so i really have to get my
ass out and do some training...but i'm just SO unmotivated.
unmotivated to do anything really...clean my house, read for school...finish the
laundry that has been sitting down in the garage for almost 2 weeks now...
it's pathetic, really...
and i'm still thinking about her...and how badly i screwed things up in my
feeble attempt to do something nice...
and how she'll probably never want to speak to me again, and i'm mourning that...cause
i miss her and am worried about her (having evacuated from nola and all) and i
just wish i could hear her voice or get an email or something telling me that
she doesn't hate me...
but that's not likely to happen, so i'm mourning that too...
and expo and java want to play, and i have no energy or patience for them either...i'm
a horrible mom!!!
thank God the cats are so independent and don't need much from me...cause i'd be
letting them down too.
oh, woe is me....woe is me....
i have GOT to find some way off this pity pot! things could be so much worse, at
least i have a home, et al...
anyway, i'm done rambling. thank you for listening and i'm sorry i couldn't be
more entertaining...
September 06, 2005
050906_70.
it's problematic! there’s this quote by Thoreau on my coffee mug - it
says,
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.”
and after spilling my coffee this morning, i read it, as if for the first time - and
i realized that that is a problematic statement - although, one i’ve been looking
at and trying to aspire to for some time now -
it’s problematic for this reason, i don’t have any dreams - or at least i don’t
know what they are -
more like i don’t have any - really.
i don’t know what i want to be when i grow up. i’m not entirely happy with what
i am in school for - although i AM going to finish it - (school that is). i have no
earthly clue as to what i want to do or what would make me happy or feel
fulfilled - i’m utterly and completely lost.
and i have been for as long as i can remember.
when i was a little kid, and people would ask me what i wanted to be when i grew
up, i would say that i wanted to be an architect - because my dad was an architect,
and i think, in some ways, i wanted to be him when i grew up - which, despite
modern medicine, is not possible.
i never had my own thoughts about what i wanted to be - i mean, i wanted to be an
actress for a while, and i guess i thought my singing talent would carry me
through, but i don’t sing any more - and i don’t act anymore, and i’m left with a
whole lot of nothing.
so, here i am - wallowing in nothing.
sometimes i think i should just give up on the whole thing - just have my job - do
it, get paid, and live my life - and, if it weren’t for the fact that i hate my
job, that’s what i’d do.
and - .if it weren’t for the fact that my life is sort of “on hold”, while i’m
waiting to figure out what i want my life to look like, then that would be fine - but
i’m not living my life, and i’m not making any headway in the career department - and
i’m not sure what to do about it.
i know that some of this is the pressure that i feel (mostly from my mom and dad)
to “be” something - and not just something, but something respectable - like a dr.
or a lawyer, or a forensic psychologist - somehow, a seamstress, or a waitress, a
barista, or a barber wouldn’t cut it.
and, if i could just figure out what exactly it was that i had a passion for - .what
it was that i enjoyed doing - then i’d pursue it with gusto and to hell with what
anyone (including my mom and dad) thought about it - but there’s the rub, cause i
don’t know what that “it” is.
and how does one go about figuring that out at the age of 38, when one’s options
are limited by the fact that one must work for a living to pay one’s rent -
and how does one go about getting out of the rut that one may (or may not be) in - hypothetically
speaking, of course - when one is working for a living at a job they dislike and
they can’t necessarily quit, or they’d be on the streets - and they can’t take a
lesser paying job which may (or may not) be something they might like better
because their rent is so freaking high and they have chosen to take care of 5
animals who all need to be fed and cared for???
and then there are matters of the heart, which are non-existent right now -
how does one attempt to live a full and fulfilling life, when they are alone,
and lonely, and have no way of getting themselves out of that particular rut - being
that they hide in their house whenever they have a free moment, instead of being
“out there” in the world -
it’s all very problematic you see -
i was telling ainslee’s mom this morning that i wish i could just go get into my
bed and cease to exist - just disappear - not cause anyone any pain or anger - not
leave my animals uncared for - .just cease to exist. just vanish.
that would be so loverly - and yet, it (like so many other things in my life that
i long for) is not going to happen - .so i’d better get over it, and how!
and speaking of things that i long for that are never going to happen - i am still
so worried about my friends from nola - (one person specifically, but all of them
at the same time) - and how they are doing - and i feel like i shouldn’t attempt to
make any contact, because i botched up so badly w/ the package and all - but i’m
worried, and missing her - and still have feelings for her - and blah blah blah -
and i’m pretty sure she hates me and never wants to speak to me again - but at the
same time, i hope that i’m wrong - .blah blah blah -
i’m a mess.
so, here’s to perpetual messes - (of which i am one), and the eventual clean up of
those messes (one can hope, can’t one??)
September 06, 2005 050906_94.
an
aha moment!!! an aha moment occurs when you least expect it...and as i'm sitting
here writing about it and listening to bob dylan (the bootleg series volumes 1-3,
rare and unreleased 1961-1991), with nicky nudging me so i have to keep
backspacing and correcting...and picking things up off the floor that he's
shoving off the desk...i'm filled with a kind of peace that i haven't felt in
some time...grateful for this moment in time, and grateful for lots of things...and
it feels good.
and, here's the story...
So, I’m sitting there in my bed, fixin’ to take a nap in all my snuggliness - I
have the tv on a&e listening to cold case files, when this commercial for the
next episode of “inked” comes on -
It’s one where some girl I guess brings a ring to the tattoo shop and demands
that her boyfriend marries her - I don’t really know who they are, cause I don’t
watch the show, but it made me think - and think I did.
And since I was fixin’ to nap, I made myself some notes - and then went to sleep -
So, here’s what I thought - I thought, I did, about what happens when people are
in a relationship - and how sometimes, one person wants something, and the other
person doesn’t (as in this girl on tv who was demanding that her boyfriend marry
her) and how each person wanting something different can make two people
miserable - and that shouldn’t be what being in a relationship is all about - that
when you are with someone, you should be able to be who you are, and they should
be able to be who they are and you both should be together cause you wanna be,
and you make each other happy - there shouldn’t be any standards to conform to - you
should just enjoy each other while you can - not try to possess each other, not
try to change each other, just be - and be together -
And then, when you’re ready to not be together anymore - or, when they’re ready to
not be with you anymore - let the person go - even though it may be the most painful
thing you’ve ever had to do - and if that person is meant to be with you, they’ll
come back - and if they’re not, they won’t.
Cause, really, why do you want to try to change someone - or make them do
something or be with someone they don’t want to be with? -
It was sort of a mini-revelation thing - ya know?? I mean, seriously - when two
people are together cause they want to be, and they make each other happy, there
couldn’t be anything more beautiful - but why would you want to force someone to
try to be happy?? It’s not possible - you can’t do it -
Nor should you -
Now, I might need reminding of these words in the future - but I think that it’s a
good starting place and a good place to come home to every now and again -
I don’t know if there is true forever love - but I think the chances of it
blooming and blossoming are greater if you give the person who you love the
space to be who they are - no?
________________________________________
Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.
The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.
-bob dylan
September 07, 2005 050907_87.
ready,
begin...again... a do over - everyone is entitled - and i’m gonna take one
i decided yesterday (something shifted in me, i’m not sure what) that life is
good, i’m very lucky and blessed, and i should be grateful instead of mournful - i
should try to be joyous instead of whiny, i should try to be more accepting of
things as they come - and not wallow in my own shit (which i am BEYOND tired of,
and i’m sure you are BEYOND tired of hearing about)
so -
i had a great time at festival this year! i got to spend time with an amazing
womyn, with whom i shared a wonderful heart connection! it was great and she is
a super fantabulistic kisser!!! (lucky me!) i lost my heart and that part sucked,
but what didn’t suck was being able to feel again, and to be fully alive and to
want to see and be with someone and to have longing - that didn’t suck at all - and
i wouldn’t trade the time i got to spend for anything in the world!!!
i had a great time with my crew and i LOVED being an AC!!! it was a great
experience, one i hope to repeat next year!
i met some pretty remarkable womyn this year who have become my friends and
people who i cherish and love deeply!!
i miss my festival friends something fierce! i love it that i get to be exactly
who i am when i’m there and that my friends love me for me - and not who they want
me to be or who they think i should be - just for me! i have an incredible and
wonderful group of friends that i only get to see once a year, and yet i feel
closer to them than to anyone else in the world and i am so grateful for that!!!
school started yesterday, and it’s going to be challenging - which is good (being
that i tend to get bored quickly). i’m on a path, i’m not sure if it’s the right
one, but it’s a path nonetheless and i’m on it and i’ll be damned if i’m not
going to try to make the best of it! if nothing else, it’s a learning experience,
no?
my birthday was an exceptionally nice day. i got to spend time with the
filmmaker, got my nipples pierced, went to the east bay dyke march, got to see
some friends, it was a good day.
things in my life are good. i’m grateful for my blessings (which are too
numerous to count) and i’m looking forward to growing and learning and becoming
more me - including all the joy and all the pain (cause you can’t have one without
the other, ya know)
i’m beyond sad for the people who’s lives were destroyed by the hurricane and by
our impotent president’s seeming lack of desire to help - i wish that i could be
there to assist, and hug, and hold and fix - but i know that i can’t be - so i’m
sending my prayers and my love, and some money - and hoping that that’s enough for
now.
and that’s all i can do -
so here’s to new beginnings - and realizing that you can start over any old time - and
coming to an understanding that you may have to “start over” a few times before
you get in the groove - but it’s all worth the time and effort that it takes.
September 07, 2005 050907_88.
the
best laid plans...usually wind up slapping you in the face! 2 - cute purple mini
mag lights w/ batteries
1 - gerber multi-tool w/ scissors
1 - box kraft easy mac
1 - package double chocolate hershey’s kisses
1 - REI emergency first aid kit
1 - package dried salmon kitty treats
1 - 4 liter platypus water tank
1 - batch double chocolate brownies w/ chocolate chips
1 ñ hallmark greeting card with pithy sentiment and phrases written for the
purposes of cheering
2 ñ individual sized packs of Kleenex
all packaged neatly in a box - and sitting somewhere in dallas, waiting to be sent
back to me -
i’m sure the brownies are no good anymore - .
and maybe i can return the other stuff -
September 08, 2005 050908_87.
where
have all the flowers gone? we don’t have any modern day prophets -
john lennon was a prophet - so to speak
bob dylan was prophetic in some of his language, although his words were, no
doubt, highly influenced by the times in which they were written -
there doesn’t seem to be anyone today who is talking about loving each other,
and making the world a better place (without somehow doing it for their own gain - )
i mean, sure, there are people who are disseminating that message - be kind, do
for others, pick up your trash - but not like jesus did, or ghandi, or mohamed, or
mother teresa -
it’s troubling really - i mean, we live in some pretty scary times! doncha think??
and yet, people aren’t really willing to stand on the mountain and scream at the
top of their lungs to stop all of this madness and play nice.
yeah, there are lots of incredible giving, loving and kind people out there.
there are folks who are giving money and time and energy for those whose lives
were destroyed (or at the very least, rearranged) by the hurricane - there are
people i know who would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it!
there are folks in the world who would give you their last morsel of food - and
that’s a wonderful thing -
but it seems like there isn’t a person, or people, who are out there “preaching”
(for lack of a better term) goodness - globally - universally - .i dunno - maybe there
is, and it’s just so hidden by all the crap that W and his cronies are spewing - the
right wing, the haters, the people out there that think that they are better
than others - the bigots, the racists, the homophobes, the takers - the world is
filled with ëem. they’re drowning out the good!!!
good people need to take back - well - everything!!!
and on a somewhat unrelated topic -
i was talking to the mighty jo this morning - (we talk every day) but today in
particular, we were talking about living near each other -
it all started w/ a my puzzlement as to why we that go to Michigan, specifically
the workers, don’t create an intentional community where we can be together year
round and build the incredible community that we build every year in august -
i mean, i spend 90% of my year, waiting for august and michigan and being in
that wonderful place with the people i love so much!!!
why is it that we all don’t come together and at least live closer to each other,
so that we don’t have to wait 11 months to see each other??
and jo told me about the place in missouri where a group of womyn who are long
time workers and festi-goers live - on a land-trust in the ozarks - simply amazing!!!
and i realized that i’d move, in a heart beat, to be closer to my michigan
family! i’d move to a place that was more centrally located so that i could more
easily travel to see more of my michigan friends - who seem to all live closer to
the east coast.
now, i do have a lot of michigan family here in the bay area - but it seems like
the people i’m closest to - the one’s i talk to the most live in alabama, oklahoma,
new york, chicago, and what was new orleans.
wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all come together and create a community!!!
we could be self sustaining - we could take care of each other - it would be great!!!
and it would allow each of us to become fully who we are and who we are supposed
to be -
there would always be fresh baked cookies and home churned ice cream, none of
the pets would pee in the house, the laundry would magically fold itself, there
would always be fresh fruit and yummy food, we wouldn’t have debt, there would
never be any kind of natural disaster, the water would be sweet and clean, right
from the tap, we’d be able to download mp3’s for free, there wouldn’t be any
commercials or crappy television shows, our clothes would fit comfortably all
the time, tattoos and piercings would be free, our parents would accept us for
who we are, we’d have an abundance of joy and love, the sheets on the bed would
always be clean, we’d never run out of good coffee, no pop ups, no spam, no dyes
or fillers, we’d be able to travel whenever and wherever we wanted, we’d have
fulfilling jobs -
i dunno - it all sounds good to me!
September 08, 2005 050908_22.
there
is no point to this entry...none whatsoever! sometimes i feel so isolated...and
i know that i can pick up the phone and call someone, but for some reason, i can't
do it...
i mean, yeah, i "could" do it, but actually doing it is more of a challenge
than i seem to be able to deal with...
so i sit here in my house, playing computer solitaire or bookworm, and listening
to the tv....throwing the ball for expo and shushing java when he barks.
there's a cat asleep on my desk, one asleep on the kitchen table, and one asleep
on the counter in the kitchen where the cat food is...
i'm not hungry, but i'm noshing on smart corn cheese popcorn, which is making me
kind of naseous...
and where is all this getting me?? nowhere at all...
and have you seen the commercial for tim burton's new movie the corpse bride??
and have you noticed that the music is almost the same as that of the nightmare
before christmas??
curiouser and curiouser!
September 09,
2005 050909_3.
profound inanity...or inane profundity...you make the call
this morning, in that great paragon of incredibly deep thought, my shower, i had
the following ideations -
as i was turning on the water, i thought, wow, we take a lot of things for
granted (we being the “royal” we, not just me and my alternate personalities - ) i
just assume that when i turn on the hot water, that hot is actually going to
come out - what else is it that i take for granted??
and here’s what i came up with:
- that the light will eventually turn green
- my alarm will go off in the morning when set properly
- it’ll be cold when i open the fridge
- the car will start when i put the key in the ignition
- my tattoos will still be there when i wake up in the morning
- java or nicky will pee somewhere in the house at some point during the day,
expo will hold it until i get home
- office coffee is never as good as coffee house coffee
- that my roof won’t blow off...although, sometimes i think about the whole
place coming down in an earthquake
- that i’ll be able to get food when i want it
- i’ll be able to see when i open my eyes
- oatmeal will taste like oatmeal - no matter where you get it
- my limbs work
- 9 out of 10 days will be a bad hair day
- lotion makes your skin softer (at least temporarily)
of course, these are just some of the things that i take for granted, or just
assume will happen consistently - and so far, i haven’t been surprised or
disappointed by any of them - but won’t discount the possibility that one day, i’ll
wake up, and my oatmeal will taste like bacon - or something like that.
my office today wound up giving away all the surplus “giveaway” stuff that has
been accumulating over the years. there were t-shirts, button downs, coffee mugs
and a nice reversible fleece vest (which i got one of), and blankets, caps,
backpacks, and other stuff - all w/ the company logo on them - it was a bit of a
frenzy as people descended on the marketing closet - jockeying for position,
trying to get one of something that there wasn’t a lot of - even though some
people already got the stuff when it was given away the first time. it was
supposed to be, if you didn’t get one when they gave them out as gifts, you
could have one - but it wound up being a sort of a feeding frenzy, as those types
of things are apt to become.
i had already been given the fleece jacket, and the blanket, coffee mug,
backpack, cap, and t-shirt - so i got the vest - and an extra t-shirt, cause you
can never have too many t-shirts - and i wear them to work all the time - not to
mention that two of my company shirts were ruined by the laundry -
i don’t really have anything exciting or urgent to write about - just boring life
stuff - no epiphanies or revelations to speak of. i’m $105.00 away from reaching
my fundraising goal for the leukemia and lymphoma society - which means that i’ll
have to donate $105.00, but hey, that’s cool. we have a training run this
saturday - only 6 miles, which should be a piece of cake, provided i can get my
ass out of bed and show up. people have been really generous in donating and i’m
grateful for that.
there are so many causes that need people to donate - it’s overwhelming - i’m just
glad that those people who donated for me chose my cause -
i gave $100.00 to the michigan worker emergency relief fund - i wished i could
have given more, but that’s all i can do right now - and i sponsored someone for $25.00
for their race for the cure - it’s good to give money - ya know?? i mean, if you can’t
do something tangible, or be there to physically help, sending money is the next
best thing, no?
it’s interesting - i try hard to be pithy and entertaining while writing in my
diary - despite the fact that (as i’ve said many times before) it’s my diary, my
place where i process and sort things out - my place to write my feelings down and
get them out of my head - i just chose to do it publicly, exhibitionist that i am -
and yet, i still manage to come up with this extraordinarily boring crap to post -
such is life i guess -
on a more disturbing note - people are being forced to evacuate and leave their
animals behind - family pets, beloved and loyal companions - it breaks my heart into
a million pieces.
i told expo, java, nicky, pj and pierre each individually yesterday that i would
never leave them behind - that i would take care of them no matter what.
java and expo seemed relieved to hear that - .the cats could care less - i think
they really cared, but they can’t let me know that, cause it would blow their
whole persona, ya know?
September 10, 2005 050910_61.
just
a little further now, you're almost there! just a quickie...
i reached my fundraising goal!! the owner of the company gave me $105.00...purely
coincidentally...
and this morning, i ran 8 miles...i was supposed to run 6, but i was feeling
good, so i did 8...and then, at the end, i threw up all the red gatorade that i
drank...so maybe i should've only done 6...ya think??
other than that, things are ok...i've been doing lots of thinking about the fact
that i've been sort of pining away for someone who very obviously wants nothing
to do with me...and what that says about my own self worth...and how i need to
take better care of me...and that hopefully, some day (soon please), i will meet
someone who wants to be with me and wants to spend time with me and wants me...
someone who's feelings for me will be reciprocated by my feelings for her...ya
know??
and that all this worrying and moping around (well, not really moping around,
but sort of) and thought and love and energy that i'm spending, toward someone
who clearly doesn't want me is just wasting my time and energy and love...and it
needs to stop, post haste...
so, that's pretty much it...running, barfing, self cleansing...that's what it
seems to be about today...
now i just need to add in studying, and i'll be golden!!!
September 11, 2005 050911_53.
an
open letter 2 u. hi.
i miss you...
i know i'm not supposed to be missing you...i'm supposed be letting you go, but
i can't shake the feeling that there was "something" there...something
incredibly good...
i know i'm supposed to be leaving you alone...which, based on the lack of
communication, you must be happy about...but i felt like writing you...so i'm
doing here...cause you're not reading this anyway, so technically, it's safe...right??
so, i miss you...i'm worried for you and about you...i'm wishing that i could be
there to help you and make you smile...i'm wishing i could see your smile...but
i can't...
i'm trying not to take it personally...but i kinda am taking it personally...which
is my own problem, i know...
so, anyway, i hope you are doing well...i wish you peace and goodness and
happiness...i'm still thinkin' about you...i'll try to stop.
September 12, 2005 050912_79.
learn
this again! epiphany number 426
i realized, or rather, it sunk in deeper and i re-realized - that every single
decision i’ve made in my entire life about anything whatsoever has started out
with, “what would bobby and gerri* think about this”
this is not good - everything that i’ve done in my life has been colored by their
approval or disapproval and how much i could or could not deal with either or -
everything - every single thing i’ve done - from coming out as a lesbian to what i’m
going to eat generally starts out with “what would bobby and gerri think about
this” - or “what would gerri think” when it comes to food and clothing and things
that relate to body shape or size.
frinstance - tattoos and piercings - initially done with much trepidation about how
they would react to them - but done anyway, because i wanted them “that badly” and
was prepared to deal with the consequences - .
but things like school and career path and all that crapola - it seems that i was
not prepared to deal with the consequences and chose things that would be “acceptable”
to b & g, without realizing that it was me, myself and i who had to be
ultimately satisfied with the decision. and not even really unwilling or
unprepared to deal with the consequences, but more like unwilling or unable to
delve any deeper into my own wants and desires to come up with something that
would be ultimately fulfilling to me -
thoughts and ideas were hatched, did i have an interest? yes.. and then only to
the level of, “would bobby and gerri approve?” and if the answer was yes, no
further thought was given - i’d just barrel through, full force with all the
initial enthusiasm in the world - finally, they’d be proud of me - finally, i’d win
their total approval -
and then, slowly but surely, i’d get bored, disillusioned with my decision,
become unhappy, and then quit.
why can’t i finish anything?? i’d wonder??
well, for one thing, it was because i’d chosen things based on what someone else
would think or want - not based on what i’d want.
so, it’s good that i’ve finally figured this out - instead of pounding my head
against the wall over and over again - .(i was starting to get a helluva bruise) - but
where does that leave me??
i’m not exactly sure -
i know that i’m going to finish my current program - i’ll have a masters in
forensic psych - and all this education, in little fits and starts, hasn’t been
totally for naught - i mean, i’ve learned a lot of things - and i’ve gotten to this
point, which is extremely important - even though i still don’t know what i want
to be when i grow up, and i feel no closer to figuring that out - .but seriously,
i year of law school, a year of a masters in social work program, it’s all
beneficial - whatever it is i decide to do -
at this point, i’m just going to leave it “up in the air” so to speak - i’m not
making any decisions about anything - besides, who knows what will come my way
once i’ve graduated. - i may decide to stay in this field, i may not, but either
way, i’ll have finished something - which i know i have to do - despite the fact
that my dad wants me to -
* b & g being the rents - .dad and mom respectively
September 12, 2005 050912_5.
i suck
ok, i’m having MAJOR anxiety right now - .and i have to write about it and get it
out, or i’m going to implode!
i am feeling like the worst mommy on the planet!!! my dogs and cats are
basically in my house, all day - the dogs go out when i get home, to pee, but not
to play -
they need to be able to go outside!! they need to be able to play and run around - but
they’re stuck in my apartment!!!
i suck!!!!
and when i’m home, i don’t take them out to play - i just throw the ball for expo
inside - and java runs around - and the cats sleep -
i suck!!!!
i know i need to move and find a place with a yard for them! but it is so
expensive, and it’s hard to find a place - and in the mean time, they’re just in
there - bored, and inside -
i suck!!!!
i suck!!!!
i suck!!!!
sometimes i think that they should go live somewhere where they’d get to run and
play and be better taken care of - .but then i’d miss them, cause i’m selfish - and
i love them so much - .
ack!
i suck!!!!
September 13, 2005 050913_92.
the
road to hell is paved with good intentions i wonder what it says about me that i
am entertained by extremely disturbing cartoons and other relative inanity -
it either says that i have an incredibly dark and sick sense of humor - or it says
nothing at all -
either way, it makes me interesting, no?
no - ok then -
there’s really nothing exciting to report - i feel like i’m already behind in
school, but that’s just cause i have a lot of reading to do. which just needs to
get done, no if’s and’s or but’s -
i have class this weekend, so no reading - and next weekend, i have the dyke march
retreat - so no reading on saturday - but lots of reading on sunday, provided i can
get myself to actually do it.
time is going so quickly - it’s already the middle of september - there’s already
thanksgiving stuff up in the stores - before you know it, it’ll be christmas - then
new years, then the count down to august begins again - i really have to try hard
to be in the moment and live each day to the fullest, because before i know it,
it’ll all be over, ya know?
and what does that mean, exactly - living to the fullest? i know that it doesn’t
mean going home from work and crawling into bed every day - that’s napping to the
fullest, and that’s not really what this is all about. but how does one “live to
the fullest” - what does that entail? being present? yes - but that can’t be all of
it. going out and doing stuff? just for the sake of going out and doing stuff??
i don’t think so.
i think part of living to the fullest is surrounding yourself with people that
you love and care about, and spending good quality time with them - and doing for
them, and having them do for you -
and being so isolated, that’s not really happening in my life right now. i’d
really like that to change - but i’m not so sure how to change it.
there are so many things that i want to change (read want to have changed
automatically without considerable effort on my part, not want to engage in
changing) in my life - things that i’d like to magically change - just become
different, just wake up one morning and have a new start -
and i know that that’s not likely to happen and that implementing change takes
effort and requires attention - vigilance at first, and that’s the only way to
make things in your life change - but wouldn’t it be nice if we could just wish
things into being?
(i know that this doesn’t work, because there are things that i’ve been wishing
for for years and years, and they still haven’t come to fruition)
and yet, i still continue to wish.
i wonder what that says about me - maybe that i’m foolish - maybe that i have an
unending supply of hope (which is kind of ironic if you think about it) - and
maybe it says absolutely nothing - and that i try to read meaning into things that
just don’t have any meaning.
who knows -
and if you happen to find out who, indeed, does know, please tell me! i have so
many questions i want answered!!
September 13, 2005 050913_37.
you're
an asshole...
go here
wait till the first one is over, there's another one after it...
September 14, 2005 050914_67.
what the fuck! i ran last night - i pushed
myself - it felt good. i only went 4 miles, but i ran hard - and i’m sore today, and
i like it.
and i didn’t sleep well last night - i didn’t sleep much at all - and i woke up with
a pounding 4 alarm headache! which sucked - and my jaw is killing me, cause i
grind my teeth -
i got ready for work, fed the dogs, etc, and on the way to work, was treated to
W on the radio, talking about how the UN must support a democratic iraq - blah
blah blah -
i listen to him stumbling through his expertly written ¸ber patriotic speech - and
all i could think of was, “why the hell is he talking about iraq - who gives a
flying fuck about iraq and the state of democracy in that country - what the fuck
about our own people in the south!!!!”
he’s an idiot!!!
i’m grateful that i live in a place where i can say that - but for cryin’ out loud - when
are we going to rise up and do something about this moron who is playing
president and making decisions for his own personal gain - while thousands of
people are displaced from their homes, suffering, and dying - what the fuck!!!
something needs to happen!!! he needs to be taken out!!!
gore made a speech* the other day to the sierra club’s national environmental
convention in which he said,
“Four years ago in August of 2001, President Bush received a dire warning: "Al
Qaeda determined to attack inside the US." No meetings were called, no alarms
were sounded, no one was brought together to say, "What else do we know about
this imminent threat? What can we do to prepare our nation for what we have been
warned is about to take place?"
If there had been preparations, they would have found a lot of information
collected by the FBI, and CIA and NSA -- including the names of most of the
terrorists who flew those planes into the WTC and the Pentagon and the field in
Pennsylvania; the warnings of FBI field offices that there were suspicious
characters getting flight training without expressing any curiosity about the
part of the training that has to do with landing. They would have found
directors of FBI field offices in a state of agitation about the fact that there
was no plan in place and no effective response. Instead, it was vacation time,
not a time for preparation. Or protecting the American people.
Four years later, there were dire warnings, three days before Hurricane Katrina
hit NOLA, that if it followed the path it was then on, the levees would break,
and the city of New Orleans would drown, and thousands of people would be at
risk. It was once again vacation time. And the preparations were not made, the
plans were not laid, the response then was not forthcoming.
In the early days of the unfolding catastrophe, the President compared our
ongoing efforts in Iraq to World War II and victory over Japan. Let me cite one
difference between those two historical events: When imperial Japan attacked us
at Pearl Harbor, Franklin Roosevelt did not invade Indonesia.
I personally believe that the very fact that there has been no accountability
for the horrendous misjudgments and outright falsehoods that laid the basis for
this horrible tragedy that we have ongoing in Iraq, the fact that there was no
accountability for those mistakes, misjudgments and dissembling, is one of the
principal reasons why there was no fear of being held accountable for a cavalier,
lackluster, mistaken, inadequate response to the onrushing tragedy that was
clearly visible.
For those who were watching television, for those who were reading the news,
what happened was not only knowable, it was known in advance, in great and
painstaking detail. They did tabletop planning exercises, they identified
exactly what the scientific evidence showed would take place. Where there is no
vision, the people perish.
It's not only that there is no vision; it's that there has been a misguided
vision. One of the principle philosophical guides for this administration has
been the man who said famously that he wants to render the government of the
United States so weak and helpless that you can drown it in a bathtub. There
were warnings three years ago from the last director in the Clinton-Gore
administration of FEMA that FEMA was being rendered weak and helpless, unable to
respond in the event of a catastrophe. The budget was cut, the resources sent
elsewhere.”
it’s clear that W has his head so firmly lodged up his butt that he only sees
what he wants to see - everyone knows it - everyone - .and yet, we sit idle and do
nothing -
i’m not sure what exactly needs to be done - people rising up in the streets??
people demanding his impeachment?? i mean, shit, Clinton’s head was called for
on a silver platter because he couldn’t keep his willy in his pants - and W
continues to take us all down the toilet with relative impunity - .
it amazes me - absolutely stuns me -
i’ve often thought about fleeing to another country - Canada, England - somewhere
else - but you can’t run away from things - it doesn’t work - you have to stick to
your guns and stand up for what you believe in, right??
well, i believe that W needs to go - we need a revolution!!!
* the full speech can be found here
September 14, 2005 050914_66.
just for fun
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you
feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and
sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no
secrets.
Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do
it.
You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of
marriage.
In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime.
You're feeling self centered.
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
September 15, 2005 050915_36.
more
of the same... i’m feeling very out of sorts - (so, what is new, you might ask?) - so
i figured i’d write about it - although, i’m not quite sure i should be writing
about it in this public forum - but i guess i couldn’t possibly make things any
worse - so what the hell -
so, ya’ll know that i met someone at fest - someone i fell really hard for -
and ya’ll know that she is unavailable - and that we left things as friends -
and i know i pushed too hard - (cause when you really want something, and you can’t
have it - you do stuff like that - or at least i do)
and then the hurricane - and the dreaded package -
and i really am not sure of quite what i did - .but i thought that we were friends - and
i know that she’s going through a lot right now, and i know that i shouldn’t
have called to get the address and all that - but apparently, i must have really
pissed her off - .cause she won’t return my email (actually, i sent 2 emails) and
it has me feeling pretty sad about the whole thing.
and then, i got the package back. i threw out the brownies - gave the chocolate to
my co-workers - and took the rest of the stuff back to rei -
as i was driving there, i had this overwhelming urge to just keep driving - drive
as far as i could go, leave everything behind - just bail. and i’m still sort of
feeling like that - the next day - like i just want to write myself out of this
script and go somewhere anonymous, and be like some sort of invisible character
that no one sees - and that way, i won’t have to feel - and i won’t have to think
and i won’t have to be responsible for anything or anyone - and i won’t have to
hurt like this -
and i know that i am incredibly lucky and incredibly blessed - i haven’t just had
my life turned inside out - and i still have a home and job, but my reality, for
me, is that i’m really uncomfortable in my life right now and just because i
haven’t had a great tragedy, that doesn’t diminish my feelings or my situation - i
have to let myself be ok with the fact that i feel like i don’t fit anywhere.
that has to be ok on some level -
i have to allow myself to feel really super sad about the losses i’m feeling
right now - even though they don’t necessarily “add up” to the losses that other
people are feeling in their lives - that doesn’t make them any less of a loss - or
entitle me to any less sadness -
and it’s not like anyone has told me to “get off my pity pot” and stop whining - that
it could be worse - and that i’m incredibly lucky - all that comes from me - it’s self
induced -
it’s like i’m split down the middle. part of me is feeling so sad and kinda “poor
me” and the other part of me (or i guess i should more accurately say another
part of me) is feeling very lucky and blessed and sort of parentified - scolding
the sad part for feeling sad cause things could be so much worse.
but the fact is, i do feel sad - kind of hurt - not sure what i did wrong, not sure
how to fix it - and i know, intellectually, that i shouldn’t care so much, that if
the person who i’m so sad about really cared for me, she’d tell me why she’s so
angry - or tell me that she’s not angry and that she just can’t deal w/ me right
now - or to fuck off and leave her alone, or something -
that people who love me (and i’m banking on the fact that there are some out
there, despite the fact that i feel incredibly unwanted and unloveable), want me
to be happy and want good things for me, whether or not i feel like i deserve
them.
and of course, i keep making excuses for her - telling myself that there is no way
on earth that i can even begin to fathom what she’s going through right now - and
that it must be incredibly difficult and scary and horrible - and that’s why no
contact or no little email or anything - and then i have other people telling me
that she could at least send me a little email or something and that even though
it wound up going horribly wrong, i was trying to do something really nice for
her and her gf, and that, as my friend jo says, “my aim was true” - and it was -
so i don’t know - .cause i want to believe that she is the person who i fell for - and
that in my own little mind, still have hope that some day, down the road, our
paths will cross again and we’ll get to send some more sweet time together -
but do i really want to invest that much of my heart in someone who doesn’t
really care about me - ???
and don’t i deserve someone who digs me??? someone who thinks highly of me and
wants to spend time with me???
and is it even fair to lay any of this at her doorstep, given the circumstances??
well, not really - and that’s really not what i’m meaning to do - i don’t “want”
anything from her - (well, maybe a little communication - but that’s it). i don’t
require anything - i’m not asking for much - or at least i don’t think i am - but
maybe i am - i don’t know.
i know i need to let go of all of this - to just write it off as a bad move on my
part and get on with my life - .and i’m not sure why i’m having such a hard time
doing that -
maybe because it started out so sweet - maybe because i’m not really sure of what
is real and what i’ve created in my head - .
and i feel sad - (not an accurate enough word, but the only one i have right now)
because i felt like i really made some nice friendship connections with her
peeps - and i feel like they’re all laughing at me - or hating me - or just wishing i’d
fall off the face of the earth and go away -
which, i guess is not too far away from how i’m feeling about myself right now - but
how do you get away from yourself?? you can’t do it - it’s not possible.
and it has me questioning everything about me - .the kind of person i am - the kind
of friend i am - the kind of intrusion i am on other people’s lives - and how do i
reconcile that? how do i start over from scratch?? or is it even possible?
i know this is a bit of a rant - and lots of sniveling and whining - and oh poor me - .and
it’s tired and old and “been there, done that”
but i guess i’m working it out in fits and starts - .3 tiny steps forward, 2 giant
steps back - and i’ll probably have to write more about it - more of the same - but
there must be a lot of it “in me” to get out - ya know?? and you’re* probably not
even reading this anymore - .so what am i worried about -
well, everything, if you must know the answer to that - everything.
* i realize that i’m writing this for me - and not for anyone who may or may not
be reading it - i also realize that, essentially, i’m talking to myself - that being
said, i’m grateful to anyone who is reading and can offer any insight or words
of wisdom -
September 16, 2005 050916_88.
just
breathe ya know, i was driving over to pick up my friend “the knitter” for
dinner last night - and the song “breathe” by anna nalick was on the radio -
first of all, it’s a pretty song - and second of all, the lyrics are thought
provoking, or at least they were last night when i was listening to them -
the chorus says this:
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
and there’s this one line that says "Ain't been sober, since maybe October of
last year." and all of a sudden, i was filled with this overwhelming gratitude
that i’m sober - and i’ve been sober for almost 10 years - and i’m still sober
through all of this emotional turmoil and bullshit and that i own that! that’s
mine and no one can take that away from me -
they can take my heart, they can take my feeling of self worth, they can take my
inner security and my faith in my own self, they can take and take and take, but
they can’t take my sobriety!!!! no one can take that from me!
and i felt really good. and really strong - for a little while, and that was good.
and no matter what i do, no matter how hard i fall for people who don’t want me,
no matter how badly i fuck up or how much in intrude on other people’s lives - no
matter what - i always have that. and i don’t have to use over it - and i don’t have
to drink over it - and that’s good too.
and as much as i feel like crumpling myself up and letting the wind blow me away,
i can just cradle my head in my hands and breathe - just breathe -
and "the knitter" and i were talking last night about festival, and people at
fest, and situations at fest...and i was telling her about how "lemondancy"
and i had a reading by gretchen lawlor and she asked us if we were a couple...and
we both basically said at the same time that if we lived closer to each other...we'd
be lovers...and it suddenly occurred to me that last year at festival...when she
("lemondancy") and i got together, that i could have SO fallen in love with
her hard...but that i didn't let myself, because she lives in london, and i live
in california, and the long distance thing just doesn't work and so i was
protecting myself, my heart, in a way, but just not letting myself go there...
and in a way, that was good...cause i don't think i could have survived the
heartache...
but, really, that's neither here nor there...
so, in other news -
i’m getting a tattoo on wednesday. there’s this womyn, her name is Annette LaRue - she’s
from NOLA and was here for a tattoo convention with her crew when the hurricane
hit - they’re stranded here for the time being.
i got an email from leslie mah saying that these people were here stranded, and
was there anyone in the tattoo community who could help with housing or clothing
or donations for them - and since i don’t have a place for them to live, or
anything to give them, i emailed Annette asking if she was doing any work while
she was here - and that i’d like to get a tattoo from her, so she could make some
money - and although it’s not really “giving” anything - i kinda feel like i’m
helping her out in a way, cause i’m sure she needs the cash. and “the knitter”
is going to get one too - so, hopefully, that’ll help a little bit -
it’s amazing how wide spread and far flung people are - new orleanians - scattered
all over the place - homeless - lost - it really makes you want to help people, and
still, there’s really nothing you can do, short of magically restoring their
city and their homes - frustrating!!!
it’s always exciting to get new ink - and for whatever reason, getting mods makes
me feel (at least temporarily) more connected to my own body - so that’s good too -
other than that, i have school this weekend - don’t know when i’ll get a chance to
run, and strangely, i’m actually looking forward to a good long run -
odd, that!
September 17, 2005 050917_26.
and
so it begins...or rather, continues... i have school all day today...
i cannot tell you how much i am NOT looking forward to this...
that's sad...really...
i'm hoping that the subject matter will "perk me up" a bit...or at least hold
my interest for the 9 hours that i have to be there...
the class is abnormal psychology and maladaptive behavior....so we'll see.
it'll either be incredibly interesting...
...or a rousing romp through the dsm-iv(-tr)...and i say that will all sarcasm...
at any rate, i'm off to pack my lunch (and breakfast, and snacks) and get ready
for the day.
please hold out good thoughts for me that i don't fall asleep in class!
September 18, 2005 050918_98.
in
Jesus name, amen. Report card:
Class...interesting enough material, easy requirements, doable, probabilities of
getting a A ñ high
Professor...seems like a nice guy, intelligent, easily approachable, gets that
little spittle thing on his lip while he’s talking...overall evaluation ñ can’t
look at him without feeling like I’m going to hurl
You know that thing....when some people talk, they get that little spit thing on
their lip and as they talk, it stretches and stays there and doesn’t go away...even
writing about it now makes me want to toss my tacos...
Which means, that I won’t be looking at the professor all day...
That’s problematic...because, a) I have to participate and make eye contact, and
b) I can’t look at my computer all day...i’ll go insane.
[written the next day]
Ok, I managed to make it through the day without throwing up or doing anything
mildly embarrassing...that’s quite a relief , no?
On another note...i was wondering in the shower this morning...(where else)...after
saying my daily prayers...i get on my knees every morning in the shower and pray...
Do you pray??
And if you do, why?? Do you really think that God is listening?? Making notes,
deciding which prayers to answer and which one’s to ignore...
Or do you do it just to say your thank you’s and your desires “out loud”...so to
speak...
I’m not really sure about for me...sometimes I think God’s listening, and other
times, I don’t. I mean, there have been enough times in my life where things
have happened after much prayer...so part of me wants to believe that prayer
works...but then there’s the skeptical side...and I wonder...
What do I pray about?? Well, I start out by thanking God for my animals, and my
family and friends, for my job, my house, my car, my able body and my mind...and
then I usually ask for help in figuring out what my “calling” is...and to help
me be a good person and do “His” will..blah blah blah, amen...
I’m not sure if it’s working or not...but I do it any way...
September 19, 2005 050919_79.
bed
rest and fluids! i'm playing hookey today...i called in sick.
i don't exactly feel great, but i'm probably not too sick to stay home (as my
mother would assess it)...
however, i'm taking the day to catch up on some long overdue things (one of them
being sleep)...but the others being laundry and housecleaning.
my apartment is filthy disgusting gross...so that's my first order of business.
laundry along the way, and then, when i'm done, i'm getting in bed and going to
sleep...i don't care what time it is!
school was good, but having school all day saturday and sunday from 9 to 6 is a
killer...no time to do anything else or have any "me" time...
so
i'm takin' it today.
so far, i have my front room mopped...just waiting for it to dry so i can wax
the wood...then onto the kitchen...then bathroom...then my bedroom.
that's the plan anyway.
September 20, 2005 050920_75.
ennui
i am feeling profoundly angsty and uncomfortable today.
i don’t know why -
well, first off, i’m lonely. that i know - and at the same time, i want to be left
alone - so that’s problematic.
and i guess i’m pretty bored. bored in general - bored w/ life on life’s terms.
bored w/ my job, my house, my brain - .just bored.
i used to use when i got this bored - drugs always made things more interesting - but
since i don’t do that any more - that’s not really an option.
i am getting tattooed tomorrow - so that’s something to look forward to - and will
dispel the boredom for a little while -
but that’s a quick fix, not anything that’s going to make a lasting difference - unless
of course, i get the tattoo - and someone sees it and loves it and decides to hire
me on in some very interesting position in some fascinating career and wants to
pay me lots of money -
that’s an option -
sometimes (more often than not), i’d like to just be able to call in sick to my
life - just be able to stop dealing with everything - just be able to hang and do
nothing and have no bills, no responsibility, nothing owing to anyone - no one to
take care of - nothing, void - empty.
sometimes, it seems to take so much effort to just be me - and i wonder if other
people feel that way or if i’m just a spoiled brat. i mean, i know that everyone
has their issues - everyone has problems and responsibilities and things about
their lives that didn’t go “according to plan” - but i seem to be the only one
complaining about it. and i know that my “problems” cannot supercede other
people’s - i know that there are people on this earth, people i know and love, who
are dealing with things so horrific that i cannot even imagine - and yet, i sit
here running my mouth about how bored i am - or how lonely i am -
i mean, i know that even i have gone through things so horrific that other
people could not imagine - like when my brother killed himself - that was pretty
horrific - and i lived through it - despite the fact that it has tainted everything
in my life since it happened (there’s really no way around that) - but it’s over,
it still causes me great pain, but it’s not daily pain like it was - it’s more
like dull pain that rears it’s ugly head every once in a while - my point being
that things in my life could be so much worse - and i really shouldn’t be feeling
so angsty - cause, generally, things are good -
but, i’m bored (i know, we’ve covered that)
i was talking in class this weekend about how i’m not sure what i want to be
when i grow up, and that i’ve “started” all these things and not finished them
because of the fact that i got bored - and the professor (who is, himself, a
licensed psychologist) said, “maybe you’re just one of those people who has many
different careers instead of having one career that lasts for years and years” - and
i thought, yeah, maybe - i guess - but i really would love to do something somewhat
fulfilling - instead of a stupid crappy office job that does nothing to further
the betterment of anyone or anything -
i’d love to be able to do something useful. ya know? but i have no idea what
that could be -
oh, God help me - .i’m a wreck - no wonder that person from festival wants nothing
to do with me - shit, i don’t even want anything to do with me - .
September 20, 2005 050920_41.
september 20th, 2005...part deux ya know, i was just sitting here thinking...actually,
i was sending an email to one of the sales reps, and, while signing my name, had
my fingers on the wrong keys and typed "kisa". i often do that with my fingers
on the wrong keys and type "kusa"...but rarely do i type "kisa"...which got
me to thinking about my name...and how much i've always hated it and wanted to
change it to something else...and for a 1/2 a second, considered kisa as a
viable option...
...and then, that made me think about michigan, when i was riding in the car
with mickey and spade*, on the way back from a "night on the town"...and i
said something about wanting a camp name...
you see, there are many people at festival who adopt other names, either just
while they're at fest, or full time...like mickey, that's not her real name...and
obviously spade (*which isn't even her real nickname)...and there are others
like james, and bob, and dylan, and sparkey, and puma, and lots of others...
...anyway, back to the story...
so, i said, "i want a camp name" and mickey said, "i can think of one for ya"...and
i said "tell me" and she said, "nah, nevermind, it's too mean"...
and she and spade laughed...
i don't think i'll ever forget that...it was one of those moments when you just
want to crawl inside yourself and die...
of course, i didn't push the issue...God knows what mean names they could have
come up with...i'm sure they had a laundry list...but it still hurt immeasurably...not
only cause of what she said, but the knowledge that they were yucking it up
behind my back about what a moron i am...or how stupid i am...or how ugly i am...or
whatever it is that they were laughing at me about.
and, at the time, i just blew it off...but obviously it's still bothering me...cause
it comes right back...
it's amazing how fragile one's self esteem is...maybe it's just me who has a
fragile self esteem...but maybe not...
and having that thought come back, leaves me feeling sort of sad and empty and
pathetic...and incredibly alone.
September 21, 2005 050921_55.
a
long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... it's september 21st. last day of
summer, although it ceased to be summer here about 2 weeks ago...
this morning, in the shower, i was thinking about my brother...actually, i was
thinking that it had been almost exactly one month since i got my nipples
pierced, which led me to the thought that it's almost september 27th, which
brought me to the realization that september 27th is the day that kevin killed
himself, 16 years ago.
i was thinking about how he had told one of his friends that he loved him...shortly
before he killed himself...and that the friend had taken it all wrong and called
him a fag...and that was definitely a contributing factor (although a very small
one) to his taking his own life.
and i wondered if he actually may have been gay...his best friend is gay...i
wondered if they had ever experimented...(probably) and if they had ever talked
about it...i wondered what it would be like now, to have him be alive and if
both of us were gay...and would that had made it easier for him if he actually
was gay...to have a gay sister.
i actually don't think that he was...or rather, i'm really not sure...he may
have been.
you see...his shrink, dr. charles white, was indicted for molesting boys at a
california youth authority camp...several months (maybe longer, i can't remember)
after kevin killed himself.
kevin jumped off of dr. white's 10 story medical building...
it is my sincere belief that kevin was being molested by dr. white...probably
for years...and because of his autism/asperger's, he couldn't or wasn't able to
tell anyone...
and when kevin told that kid that he loved him...and that kid called him a fag...that
probably triggered so much shit in kevin...even if he was gay or would have
wound up being gay...stuff that he couldn't deal with and stuff that he couldn't
talk about...that coupled with the normal teenage experimentation that goes on...and
i'm speculating did go on w/ his best friend...it probably had kevin so freaked
out...i SO wish he could have talked about what was going on...instead of taking
his life...
i miss my brother. sometimes i miss him so much that it feels like it's burning
a hole right through me.
it has definitely burned a hole right through my family...an irreparable hole - and
sometimes, you can still smell that charred smell - .like it just happened, even
though it was 16 years ago.
and it’s left my dad the most wounded - although, we’re all still very harmed by
it - post traumatic stress disorder, ya know - but my dad is definitely the biggest
casualty - there is a pall of depression that hangs on him like the fog hangs over
san francisco in the mornings - it’s always there - even though sometimes the sun
breaks through.
and i believe that if kevin had known what it would do to all of us, he would
have thought twice before jumping - maybe not have jumped at all - but you can’t
live in the what if’s -
so, this morning, while i prayed in the shower for guidance and for direction - i
also cried - for my brother, and prayed that i’d get through this next week
without falling apart - because it always feels like it just happened -
September 22, 2005 050922_89.
new
ink, and old problems i went to get tattooed yesterday by Annette LaRue - she’s
been displaced from nola due to the hurricane and was here in the city at a
tattoo convention when it hit -
she and her husband just got an apartment in the city and apparently, the
leasing company has been really cool to them and provided them with furniture
and special terms and all that - they think they’ll probably be here until at the
very least, December - that’s a long time to be away from home!! but fortunately,
a friend of hers had been able to get to her house and there is little, if no
damage - she’s lucky!!! i’m hearing from people that have basically lost
everything - if not due to actual hurricane damage, then due to water or mold - and
now rita - fuckin’ a - when do they get a break???
but back to the tattoo - i picked up the knitter and a friend of hers (who she
went to high school with, and now, coincidentally lives here in Berkeley) and we
made the trip over the bridge - got to mom’s - we were early - so we killed time by
making fun of the flash -
the place was really busy - and kinda small and cramped - annette wasn’t there yet,
and there were all kinds of people milling about - it felt kind of chaotic and i
started to have second thoughts - but only for about Ω a second.
Annette arrived, we met, talked about the tattoo i wanted - and she then spoke
with the knitter about her tattoo - she quoted the knitter about $180.00 and then
came back to me and told me $140.00 for mine. she said, “it’s going to be $140.00,
is that ok?” - and i was like, “hell yeah!” - that is SOOOOOO cheap!!!! my regular
artist charges $160.00 an hour - and pretty much sticks to that no matter how well
she knows you or how many tattoos she’s done on you. $140.00 is insane!!! IN-FUCKING-SANE!!!
so - i paid for my ink, and she got set up -
she was very very very sweet!! couldn’t have been nicer, and very professional!
she did a great job on my tattoo - helped me with placement (it’s on my left
forearm) and worked quickly and relatively painlessly. i really like her!!! i’d
definitely go back to get more work done by her!!!
after i was done, i went to the atm at the wells fargo down the street to get
some cash so i could tip her - i gave her $40.00, which is like 30%, but she was
great and the tattoo itself was so cheap -
i came back and she was setting up for the knitter - she got this amazing tattoo
of a ball of yarn with two knitting needles in sorta like a skull and cross
bones formation with a banner on top that said, “hands to work” and a banner on
the bottom that said, “hearts to God” - .in sailor jerry style - it turned out
amazing!!!
while the knitter was getting inked, i spent WAY too much money on new jewelry - got
a new septum ring, and two pairs of earrings - these cool teardrop shaped hollow
plugs and some groovy organic spirals - both are black - i was sort of out of
control - .retail therapy, ya know??
so, after getting tattooed and spending too much money, we left there and went
to picante for dinner - her friend had wanted to go there - the knitter and i go
there just about once a week since she moved here - i love that place -
it was good, but i found some weird rock in my beans - and they gave me a card for
a free lunch or dinner -
and after that, i took everyone home, went home myself and cleaned up after the
very hungry and very needy dogs - fed everyone, and then went to sleep.
it was a good day!
and i LOVE my new tattoo - it’s an outline of a womyn’s figure, sitting Indian
style, holding flowers and she has a spiral on her head - i’ll post pics later.
now, a very important question - does anyone else find it INCREDIBLY disturbing
that alyson hannigan is in this new and incredibly stupid looking sit com called
“how i met your mother” - i mean - she’s willow for God’s sake!!! willow who is
brilliant, and geeky and charming and beautiful and a lesbian!!! not some
straight girl sidekick on a stupid, not buffy the vampire slayer, sitcom!!!! and
it’s a CBS sitcom - .which means that it’s not gonna last past one season and no
one’s gonna watch it!!! and the guy from doogie howser is in it!!! it’s doomed!
DOOMED!!! alyson deserves better than that. joss whedon needs to write a new
series just for her -
ok, i’m feeling a little bit better having gotten that off my chest - a little bit - but
not a lot.
and now, i’m here at work - bored (as usual) and feeling pretty anxious, seeing as
how i just got a call from one of my creditors - .i swear, it never gets easier - never -
September 23, 2005 050923_97.
why
is it that the painful memories are the only one's i have? i left work yesterday
at about 10:45 or 11:00 - all of a sudden, i just needed to get the fuck out of
there - so i made up some lame excuse about needing to take care of some financial
matters at home, and go to the bank, and blah blah blah, and it couldn’t wait - and
yes, i’d be available by cell - and i went home.
it was like i just shut down. i couldn’t deal anymore - and i’m not sure why that
happened, but i wound up going home and getting into bed and sleeping - all day.
and it was a deep sleep - every time the dogs would wake me up to go out - i would
get up, and i was so groggy - cause i was sleeping so deeply. it was weird. i must
have either needed the sleep, or just couldn’t function properly and so my brain
just turned off - psychically shut down (not psychic like, “oooh, i can tell your
future”, but psychic like psychologically)
i wonder if i’m suffering a little ptsd - this morning, while driving to work, i
kept replaying that exact moment when i found out that my brother was dead - you
see, he went missing the day/night before, and my parents called me up and said,
“have you heard from your brother?”, and i said, “no, what are you talking about”,
and they said, “he’s missing, if you want to know more, come home, the police
are here and we have to go” -
i didn’t find out till years later that he had called a friend to say goodbye,
that he was going to kill himself, and that the friend called his (my brother’s)
best friend, and his best friend called my parents -
so i went down there, and we searched for him - and the police were there, and the
bloodhounds where there, in his room and sniffing his scent - and they tracked him
to a busy intersection and then lost the scent - and it was horrible and
nightmarish and surreal -
and the next day, i went to work w/ dave (my ex husband, but we weren’t married
at the time) and i was instructed to call my parents every few hours for updates - and
i called at 7:30 - no news, and at 8:30, no news - and at 9:00 - and my dad said, “come
home, your brother is dead” and hung up.
that’s how i found out. sitting in the office of a warehouse, drinking crappy
coffee w/ too much powdered creamer in it - smelling diesel and propane from the
forklift - hearing the echoey sounds of the semi’s idling outside the bay doors - ”come
home, your brother is dead” -
and as i was driving to work today, the empty, hollow, desperate sound of my dad’s
voice saying those exact words were pinging around in my head - and i couldn’t
make it go away - i couldn’t make it stop - it was like i was paralyzed to do
anything but listen to it -
and on a completely unrelated, and slightly happier note - i found a dime at the
foot of the stoop this morning - and i said, out loud, “i wonder how much luck you
get for finding one of these!” - and i shoved it in my pocket -
and that just reminded me of a dream i had last night - in my dream, i found a
quarter - and picked it up and put it in my pocket - i wonder if this means that
money is going to be coming to me - (yeah, right, you just go on believing that
one why doncha!)
new tat pics
bevin
21 Questions:
1. What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years?
My GOD, i hope something fulfilling!!! cause i swear, if i’m doing the same old
thing that i’m doing right now, i’ll shoot myself!! mark my words!!
2. Are you paranoid?
i don’t think i’m paranoid - definitely not the DSM* definition of paranoid - but i
have a healthy caution about things, i think - that is, unless people are really
out to get me -
3. First piercing/tattoo?
my ears were the first things i got pierced, i was 13, at jc penney’s - and i
pierced my own ears many more times after that - but my navel was my first “real”
professionally and properly done piercing -
4. Last person you yelled at?
probably my mother
5. Last crush?
spade **
6. Last thing you ate?
a very (very) small apple - and i’m still hungry
7. If you could be a pirate, would you?
WITHOUT QUESTION!!!.
8. Do you have an iPod?
yes, and the only reason i do is because the company i work for gave us all ipod
mini’s as a thank you gift for a great year
9. When and why did you last vomit?
not last weekend, but the weekend before - i ran 8 miles and barfed up the red
gatorade i drank on the course.
10. What's in your pockets right now?
$29.50, and some lint
11. What color are your bedroom walls?
kind of a grayish-purplish, white - a little bit purplish - but white
12. Last thing that made you laugh?
when jenny said, "just as well, i don't like closing my eyes for as long as it
would take to get through it anyway"
13. Any pets now?
dogs: java and expo, cats: nicky, pierre, and pj
14. Innie or an outtie?
an innie
15. If you could strangle someone right now, who would it be and why?
probably the place kicker
16. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
sometimes i feel like raw umber - sometimes like jungle green
17. Have you ever won any awards?
i don’t think so - not awards, per se - i did get a certificate of achievement from
my work for meeting my quota for the user conference - .and a scholarship to law
school - but other than that, no awards -
18. How many TVs do you have in your house?
2. one in the bedroom, one in the living room - television: companion, mother,
lover, storyteller, friend -
19. Have you ever sprained/broken/fractured a bone or gotten stitches?
yep, i broke my right arm twice, my left arm once, gotten stitches on my right
hand when i cut myself, and on my right leg from surgery.
20. To whom do you tell your dreams?
my diary - which means, you.
21. If you could pick one person to make out with, who would it be?
well, either angelina jolie - (she’s still hot, even though she’s not a very moral
person) - or someone else who kisses really really really good - .i won’t name names - .
*301.0 Paranoid Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Features
The essential feature of Paranoid Personality Disorder is a pattern of pervasive
distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as
malevolent. This pattern begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety
of contexts.
Diagnostic criteria for 301.0 Paranoid Personality Disorder
The above stated essential feature, as indicated by four (or more) of the
following:
(1) suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or
deceiving him or her
(2) is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness
of friends or associates
(3) is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the
information will be used maliciously against him or her
(4) reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
(5) persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or
slights
(6) perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not
apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
(7) has recurrent suspicious, without justification, regarding fidelity of
spouse or sexual partner
** not her real nickname
September 24, 2005 050924_51.
a
whole lotta shakin' goin' on! there was an earthquake this morning...well, sort
of last night...at 4:25
it woke me up. there was a big jolt, and the building made some horrible noise...and
then it was over.
according to the news, it was a 3.2, a little teensy one...and centered about 5
miles from my house...
after it happened, it took me about 20 minutes or so to fall back asleep...i
kept thinking about the predictions of gordon michael scallion and how his
future map of the world includes california, way under water...and was it all
coming true...hurricanes, floods, earthquakes...we're all doomed!!!
then i feel back asleep...woke up this morning and had forgotten all about it...until
someone at the run this morning said, "hey, was there an earthquake last night?"...
oh yeah!!! we did have an earthquake, that's right!! we're all doomed!! i forgot!!
and then i ran 6 miles.
it was hard cause it was hot...but my legs held out and i did it (i'm running
about 11.67 minute miles).
other than that, i have a dyke march retreat thingy to go to today...which means
good company and lots of good food...which is good, cause after that run, i'm
hungry!!!
September 25, 2005 050925_26.
shave or a hair cut, two bits... sitting here...trying to fight the incredibly
growing urge to shave my head! grrrrrr...
i'm planning on getting a hair cut sometime next week...but i don't know if i
can hold on much longer...
i can either hold out and get a really cute cut, but i have to wait for it...
or i go into the bathroom right now and buzz it all off...(which is also really
cute, but in a different way)...
hmmmmm...
instant gratification?? or no instant gratification....
quality problems!
September 26, 2005
050926_7.
not otherwised characterized by... well, same shitty internal
dialog, different day.
i’ve been sitting here at work, trying to entertain myself - i’ve updated elana
dykewomon’s website, played bookworm, cribbed together my references for my
paper on bipolar disorder for my psychopathology class, done some actual “work”
work, eaten an apple, adjusted my septum ring, drank some coffee, and answered
some email -
i’ve chatted with the mighty jo, im’d w/ my best friend and talked to a couple
of customers on the phone -
and, lo and behold, i’m bored.
how freakin’ shocking is that!?!
and while i was doing all that, i was thinking about my friends in far away
places, and doing that stupid thing in my head that i do - that internal spin,
where i convince myself that no one really likes me and that they just tolerate
me - and work myself up into feeling like a big fat loser -
which, really, if you think about it, is not a good thing.
so, i figured, hey, that’s diary material - write about it.
i’m not sure why i do it - i mean, i know it comes from fear, and loneliness - and a
general feeling of hating myself -
and it’s not like i’m sitting here thinking, “hmmm - i’m bored, how can i make
myself miserable and dive further into the black hole of self hatred?” -
it comes from an unconscious place, and it happens for awhile without my even
realizing it, and then it comes to the forefront of my consciousness and i
realize what i’ve been doing (for how ever long i’ve been doing it) and i try to
stop - but by that time, i’m usually feeling pretty crappy about myself - and
fraudulent, and unloved, and, well, frankly, hated -
can i just tell you that mental illness SUCKS THE BIG WANG-O-LIFE!
it’s tiring - .
technically, i would be diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in Partial
Remission
the diagnostic criteria for which includes:
A. the presence of two or more major depressive episodes
B. the major depressive episodes are not better accounted for by schizoaffective
disorder and are not superimposed on schizophrenia, schizophreniform disorder,
delusional disorder, or psychotic disorder not otherwise specified
C. there has never been a manic episode, a mixed episode, or a hypomanic episode
the criteria for a major depressive episode are:
A. five or more of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week
period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the
symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure
1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either
subjective report or observation made by others
2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all activities,
most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective report or
observation made by others)
3) significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain or decrease or
increase in appetite nearly every day
4) insomnia or hypersomnia
5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others,
not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be
delusional) nearly every day (not merely self reproach or guilt about being sick)
8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every
day (as indicated by either subjective report or observation made by others)
9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal
ideation without a specific plan, or suicide attempt or a specific plan for
committing suicide
B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a mixed episode
C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social,
occupational, or other important areas of functioning
D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance
or general medical condition
E. The symptoms are not better accounted or by Bereavement(which has it’s own
list of criteria)
and i’m considered in partial remission because the symptoms of a Major
Depressive Episode are present but full criteria are not met, or there is a
period without any significant symptoms of a Major Depressive Episode lasting
less than 2 months following the end of the Major Depressive Episode.
i’d be in full remission if, during the past 2 months, no significant signs or
symptoms of the disturbance were present.
in my lifetime, i’ve had 3 major depressive episodes that i can think of off the
top of my head -
once was in high school - i attempted suicide, the second one was after my brother’s
suicide, i didn’t get out of bed for almost 6 months and wound up and the
psychiatric hospital (although i didn’t wind up staying there and left AMA), and
the third was about a year and a half ago - after i moved up here and went off my
medication (cause i ran out and didn’t have any money or insurance to get more) - that
one was bad - it lasted for about 2 months, progressively getting worse - .i started
having serious suicidal ideations and recognized what was happening to me and
got some help - (in the form of medication) -
there may have been other episodes - i can’t think of any off the top of my head -
the thing is, i’m trying - i’m working on myself and i’m trying to get better and
to grow and to be happy - .but sometimes i think genetics is against me - it’s
definitely an uphill battle, that’s for damn sure.
and really, i shouldn’t be surprised that i’m alone - because who in their right
mind would want to put up with all that bullshit?? certainly not me -
so, it’s a vicious circle, i get that - and sadly, it’s slowly destroying me -
i’m sure that at some point, when my parents are gone, if i’m still alone, that
i’ll probably end it once and for all - but i won’t do it while my parents are
still around - cause i couldn’t do that to them - and, presumably, i’ll be old(er)
when they die - and if i’m old and alone - then who really cares - right??
anyway - that’s my story, i’m sticking to it - .hopefully, things’ll start looking
up soon -
September 26, 2005 050926_47.
post
script another duple...
i had a thought today...(and i'm sure my best friend's not going to be too happy
about it)
i was reading my friends' lj's...and "she*" has one too...and she posts in it
semi-frequently...and of course, i read it...and i always want to comment, and
sometimes i do...and i always feel kinda funny about doing so...or i feel kinda
bad...like i'm intruding
but today, i just decided that it's ok...
that if she didn't want her journal to be public, she'd make it "friends only"
or she'd disable the comments section...
and that i care about her and i care for her, and there's no reason not to send
my good wishes...
and if she wants to, she can delete my comments or ask me not to comment or
whatevah....
and that's that...(cat in the hat)...
*spade
September 27, 2005 050927_18.
in memoriam i fucking hate this day! i just had to say that...
kevin michael kraft 11/9/72 - 9/27/89
September 28, 2005 050928_51.
it is what it is...until it isn't anymore i
just found out that the womyn who used to be the receptionist at my office
passed away last night.
she was very sick - we all knew it, but she wouldn’t tell anyone what was wrong
with her -
there is speculation that it was liver failure - she was jaundiced and her eyes
were yellow -
it’s very sad, she had a little baby, and other kids - i feel so empty - kind of
sick to my stomach about it. i wasn’t especially close to her - she was a “work”
friend, if you know what i mean - but i cared for her a lot and we were friendly -
and yesterday of all days for it to happen. i hate the 27th. bad things happen
on the 27th - Kevin died on the 27th - julie’s grandmother died on my birthday,
august 27th - and now tia. it’s very sad -
i think this is going to be my new theme song -
"Wake Me Up When September Ends"
by green day
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
and i can’t access my tears - i can feel a lump in my throat - i feel like i want to
cry, but the tears won’t come - i think i’m partially afraid that if i started
crying, i’d never stop - even though, i know full well that it is possible to run
out of tears - i’ve done it before - but for whatever reason, i just can’t let
myself cry -
i cried in Michigan - a lot - and hard - i cried over a girl - but i can’t seem to cry
over death - not my brother’s, not tia’s - and that makes me even more sad.
i wish i could just let myself break down and cry - it would feel good to get some
of this sadness out of me - but the tears won’t come.
makes me feel defective -
well, lots of things make me feel defective, but particularly my inability to
feel -
i know it’s a defense mechanism - a protection of sorts, but it doesn’t seem to
work really - cause i’m still feeling incredibly sad - i just can’t cry about it.
but who knows, maybe i really wouldn’t be able to stop and i’m just protecting
myself from that - the unavoidable inevitable drowning in my own tears.
work suddenly seems completely overwhelming - i don’t want to do anything, i don’t
want to be here, i don’t want to have to deal with angry customers who don’t
want to pay upgrade fees - it’s too much - i don’t have the capacity right now -
although, there is the distinct possibility that someone here will frustrate me
to the point of tears - that could be one way to get me crying - it seems that
intense frustration always works - it’s a thought anyway -
i don’t know - life is hard - and sometimes the shit outweighs the good - by a lot. i
was trying to explain to the filmmaker the other day, when she was feeling
particularly down, that things will get better, that it won’t be this hard or
this bad forever and that life will improve - but the truth of the matter is, that
life is hard - most of the time. difficulty, peppered with little moments of
goodness and sweetness and happiness - which, unfortunately, seem few and far
between at the moment. and when you’re “in” the good - you don’t recognize it,
cause it doesn’t weigh heavily on your heart - it doesn’t feel like a wet wool rug
draped over your shoulders like misery does. you don’t really notice it until it’s
gone. and that’s a shame, really. the absence is more noticeable than the
abundance - lack is heavy in it’s emptiness, plenty is light in it’s fullness.
and such are the mysteries of life i guess - i wonder what it’s like when you’re
dead - if you suddenly realize all you had when you were alive and even though it
was hard and painful, you recognize that you had life - and now you don’t.
or maybe it’s the picture of heaven that everyone wants it to be - you don’t have
any more cares or worries, and all is well and perfect and you are at peace.
or maybe, you’re just dead, and you feel and know nothing -
i guess only time will tell.
September
29, 2005 050930_85.
they've got you coming and going coming to terms with
the fact that you are nothing special is a shock to the system.
when all your life you've been told how special you are, how smart you are, how
wanted you were, how great you are, how talented you are...and at the same time,
being fed messages to the contrary...causing you to feel like a push-me-pull-you
for most of your life...when it's all said and done...it is a rude awakening
discovering that you are merely mediocre.
this is something that i am struggling with. i am slowly awakening to the fact
that not only am i not special...but i'm not even really that smart, or talented...and
the question about how wanted i am is still up for debate...depending on who you
ask..
according to my mother and father, i was THE most wanted baby on the planet...my
mother trying desperately to conceive...finally succeeding with the assistance
of modern medicine (read, every fertility drug known to man kind...taken
simultaneously) which led to me...a bouncing, beautiful 5 pound baby girl...a
miracle child...
and i was treated as such until my brother came along...
and i was so smart, and they were so amazed by me...blah blah blah...
flash forward 38 years, and here we are, nothing special to speak of...no
discernable talents or distinguishing characteristics...just another jenny from
the block...so to speak...
it's rough...
and i was supposed to be "something"...i don't know what, but all my life i
felt like i was destined for greatness...fame, fortune, i don't know...something
more than the profound mundanity that i am now living.
and for whatever reason, i just knew that it would come to me...this greatness...that
it was my birthright, bestowed upon my by God...boy, was i delusional....even as
a little tiny kid.
what a slap in the face it is to find out that you are ordinary. absolutely run
of the mill...not even extraordinary in your plainness...just boring...just...me...
and how do you recover from the disappointment in this discovery? how do you
pull yourself up by your croc straps, and forge ahead...traversing steadily
along the moving sidewalk that everyone else is on...when you were supposed to
be on that other path...the road less traveled, the one with all the other
interesting and unique people on it...that one, way the hell over there, you can
barely see it now...fading in the distance...
i don't have the answer to that one yet...but i'm trying to figure it out...i'll
be damned if i don't at least try...
or maybe i should stop fighting it...just sink into anonymity...just fade into
the background like a good little soldier...it definitely would be easier, no?
and speaking of mundane mediocrity...go watch that video...it's hillarious!!!
September 30, 2005 050930_40.
'scuse me sir....uh...ms.... evidently, i
write like a dude.
i found this thing on smoog’s diary - apparently, she writes like a dude as well - as
does my best friend
using the “gender genie”, it seems that words are weighted according to their
gender bias (words have gender bias??!!) and depending on how many male weighted,
or female weighted words you use, supposedly, this “gender genie” can tell if
the writer is male or female.
makes me wonder -
i am taking this one class which happens to be all on-line. psych and the law - it’s
fascinating (not).
the professor’s name is ambiguous (no, their name is not “ambiguous” - it is just
difficult to tell the gender of the person by their name - could go either way) - at
first i thought it might be a womyn, but what i’ve gathered from “his” writing
style is that he is definitely a man - now i’m not so sure -
one of the reasons for my thinking that he is a “he” is his arrogance, which
comes off loud and clear in the email correspondence we’ve traded. he actually
seems like kind of a prick - but having never met him, i will reserve judgment.
i’m not going to mention his name here, because he seems like the kind of person
who would google himself - and God forbid, he find this and read it and flunk me
right out of graduate school!
but back to the topic at hand - all of this makes me wonder - if my name wasn’t so
obviously female - would my on-line professors think i was a guy? and if they did
think i was a guy, would i get better grades than the one’s i’ve gotten??? (this
is kind of a moot point, due to the fact that i currently have a 4.0) but if - .just
if - .i wonder - .
but putting all that aside - nothing much new to report - i’m running a 10 miler
tomorrow morning - in the city, so that should be a nice challenge - i plan on
sleeping the whole rest of the day afterwards, so i’m looking forward to that.
i have 3 papers to write on sunday, but those should be easy as none of them is
supposed to be longer than 7 pages.
and, i just got an invitation to new years eve at the orange county fairgrounds - (i’m
still on their mailing list).
they’re going to be dropping a big orange (like they do w/ an apple in nyc) and
lots of bands are playing.
the lineup includes:
sugar ray * joan jett & the blackhearts * the violent femmes * the psychadelic
furs * berlin * the english beat * bow wow wow * reel big fish * lit * the
ravonettes * the colour * wax apples * charles feelgood * grant plant * Jason
blackmore * dj jasen * and speaker junkies
sounds more like a flash back to high school than a new years eve party - and for
some reason, i thought the lead singer from bow wow wow had died of a drug
overdose in the 80’s - guess not -
too bad they couldn't also get human league, flock of seaguls, haircut 100,
missing persons, and golden earring...i think i’ll pass.
October 01, 2005 051002_89.
run,
sleep, shop, eat, ponder...reapeat well, i ran 10 miles this morning...it wasn't
that bad.
we ran in the city, so there was much to look at. i find that it's much easier
to run when i am visually stimulated...that way, i can look at stuff and sort of
forget that i'm actually running. much going on in the city today.
we ran past fort mason, through fisherman's wharf, down the embarcadero...and
back. lots to look at, including the big farmers market at the ferry building,
alcatraz in the fog, lots of tourists, and the city just waking up. i love san
francisco!
i took a little nap when i got home, and then went to hang out with the knitter...we
shopped, and ate, and hung out. i always have such a fun time with her.
i have 3 papers to write tomorrow...so i "should" be home all day writing them...we'll
see...
so, anyway, i was reading "her" live journal...(yes, i'm a cyber stalker) and
it seems so strange...to be so far away, and basically forgotten. it seemed like
reading about some strangers life...only, i had feelings for her and care much
for her...and yet, it's almost surreal...as though i never existed in her life (which,
technically, i really never did)...and she has all these friends she talks about
and refers to...and i know these people...but it's almost like they are
fictional...in a way, cause they are so far away and it all has nothing to do
with me. and she writes about her cats, and her stuff...and what she's going
through with the aftermath of the flooding and hurricane stuff...and it makes me
sad...sad for her, sad for me...sad for missing out on something that never was...
makes me wonder if what we shared this summer meant anything at all to her...
i mean, i'm sure she doesn't miss me, or think about me...certainly not like i
think about her and miss her and wonder how she's doing...i probably don't even
cross her mind...
sometimes, it even makes me question whether or not i even want to go to
michigan next year...
i don't know...i don't know about anything at all anymore...just about the only
thing i do know at this point is that i'm tired and too full from dinner and i
think i'm going to go to bed.
October 03, 2005 051003_20.
scuse
me...this skin doesn't fit right, do you have this in another style? i want out.
out of my life, out of my skin, out of this body, out of my town, out out out
damn spot....out!
of course, there is no getting out...there is no running away from one's self...
this is problemematic for several reasons, the first being the obvious...no
satisfaction, no being able to get out and away...
the second being, how do you fix this problem? how do you become ok in your skin
so that you don't constantly feel like you want to peel it off and run off in
your bones?
the third little inconvenience is that it's not going to be any easier in anyone
else's skin...
so, the alternitives??
1. tough it out...
2. kill myself...
3. start using again...(drugs always take you out of yourself, at least for a
little while
yeah, bleak..i know...
2 & 3 are really not an option, so i guess i'm toughing it out.
such is the story of my life...i should rename my blog...."toughing it out"...
in other "news"...i pray daily for some guidance as to my "calling"...and i
don't feel like i'm getting any closer to knowing what that is....but i have
come to a couple of realizations...
this first being that if i find something that i love, something that i'm truly
passionate about, then it doesn't matter how long it will take to get there....it
doesn't matter how old i'll be when i graduate, or whatever, as long as i'm
moving toward it and on the path that leads to it.
the other thing being that i love giving people stuff...money in particular, but
stuff in general. i love doing for others. i love being helpful.
that's got to be a step towards something...i don't know what...but toward
something...
i know that this is a process...and that if it's taken me 38 years to get to
this point in time, then i can't expect something to just fall into my lap
overnight...but damn, i wish i knew what i should be working towards...
i did not manage to even start writing any of the three papers that i was
supposed to finish on sunday...completely unmotivated...
sometimes, i feel like a complete waste of skin.
October 03, 2005 051003_30.
when
you wish upon a star....
wish list
1. meaningful career
2. loving partner
3. spacious home w/ yard for dogs
4. safe living environment/neighborhood
5. less clutter
and to a lesser degree
6. better posture
7. comfort in my own skin
October 04,
2005 051004_82.
maybe tonight.... L'Shana Tovah
happy new year...
ya know, i've never felt particularly religious...and i've spent much of my life,
searching for meaning in spirituality and religion that i have yet to find.
i'm jewish.
jewish by culture, jewish by blood, jewish by family...but i wasn't bat mitzvah'd...and
i didn't really spend much time in temple growing up...aside from the requisite
religious school on saturday mornings until i was 13.
i remember, everyone else was studying for their bar and bat mitzvah...and i was
learning the hebrew alphabet...i was very behind and i had no interest in
catching up.
and i also remember not really feeling anything in services. not being moved...not
"feeling God" or anything like that.
i went on this big spiritual quest in my late teens...tried out hare krishna,
buddhism, christianity, atheism, chanting....you name it, i've probably dabbled
in it. but nothing ever fit or felt right, so i sort of abandoned it altogether.
i would go to temple w/ my parents on the high holidays...and of course,
passover seder...and the occassional shabbat service...but we still opened all
our presents on christmas morning, and spent christmas day at my cousins house,
opening presents and having a party. we weren't celebrating the birth of Christ,
it was just more convenient to gather on that one day and exchange gifts...i
guess.
we lit the menorah on hannukah of course, and spun the dreidle and sang songs...and
i remember going to our neighbor's hannukah parties and feeling really
uncomfortable and out of place because i wasn't getting any presents until
christmas and i didn't really feel "a part of".
i wasn't really a jewish jew...and i wasn't a christian...
straddling both worlds, it was (and still is) very confusing.
i realize that this is a constant in my life...not really fitting in anywhere,
not being fully part of anything...it's pervasive and continues to this day,
showing itself in a myriad of ways, including not knowing what i want to be when
i grow up, not knowing who i am, not feeling comfortable in my skin, constantly
wanting to move on to something different.
it's problematic.
so, i sit here, on this first day of rosh hashanah, at work...while all the
other jews from my office are in temple today or at home...(i work for a very
jewish company...owned by devout jews, w/ many other jews who are employed here)...feeling
very out of place, yet again.
i am starting to think that "that" is the lesson this time around...to be
comfortable with the discomfort...to never have a place and somehow learn to be
ok with that. makes me wonder what i did i a previous incarnation that would
bring me to this place...
and in other news...
last night, there was the strong smell of natural gas...in my bedroom...like
coming in the window. i went to check all the pilot lights and make sure that
the stove wasn't pumping out gas or anything like that...and i prayed to God
that we didn't explode in the middle of the night...
i don't know what it was...it wasn't coming from my apartment, but it made me
scared and i realized that i'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop...
i'm waiting for something big to happen...could be something horrible, could be
something good, but it's gonna be big, whatever it is. perhaps the "big one"
that we're all waiting for, the gigantic earthquake that will swallow up
california. perhaps a giant tsunami. maybe a big explosion or fire. i don't know...but
it feels like something is coming.
Could be!
Who knows?
There's something due any day;
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.
It may come cannonballing down through the sky,
Gleam in its eye,
Bright as a rose!
ok, i'm a dork, i know...but whever i have "that" thought, that something's
coming...my head breaks into song...gotta love steven sondheim and leonard
bernstein for writing the soundtrack to my life...no?
and other than that...
i'm over her. i mean, i still feel sad that things happened the way they
happened...but my heart doesn't ache the way it used to...it hasn't for awhile
now, but i just noticed it the other day. i saw her picture and i didn't get
that twisting feeling in the pit of my stomach...my heart didn't twinge...i didn't
get that achey feeling in my chest like i did. i wonder if we'll still be
friends...i wonder if she even wants to be my friend...i wonder what it will
feel like to see her again....
i wonder.
October 05, 2005 051005_78.
love, soft as an easy chair... thoughts on the phrase, “I Love You” -
it can be used as a proclamation, “I LOVE YOU!”
an admonition, “i love you, so you’d better not do anything stupid - or i love you,
don’t you forget it”
an accusation
a desperate plea
a secret admission
it can be used for completely selfish reasons - like telling someone, “i love you”
is supposed to make them feel better because “i” love them - as if that were some
kind of special prize
you can say it as a warning
a friendly gesture
a statement
it can mean anything from you’re my pal to you have my heart and i’m completely
devoted to you.
i know that i say it a lot - and i mean it. i love my friends. deeply. i told one
person this year at festival - a person with whom i have a sort of a weird history - i
told her that i love her - cause i was feeling a huge amount of love for her at
that moment - and she said, “yeah, you say that to everyone” - implying that it had
no meaning coming from me - (which of course hurt my feelings, and i told her so)
i told another person who i love very deeply that i love her - and she responded
in kind.
it’s taken all kinds of different ways. some people hear those three little
words and run for the hills - others understand that love is more like a continuum,
and can be anywhere on the spectrum - and that love fluctuates - and you can feel
love for a person without feeling “in love” with them - or vice versa i suppose.
i guess, my feeling is that there’s not enough love in this world - and that if
you feel like you love somebody (wherever that love falls on the spectrum), you
should say it -
i’m always afraid that when i talk to my mom and dad, or my friends who live far
away, that it’ll be the last time i talk to them - and i want them to know that i
love them - just in case something happens.
i know, that’s probably dumb - but i do it anyway.
and what prompted all this love talk, you ask?
well, i had a dream last night in which a person who i had fallen for (but never
really “had” to begin with) came back to me. and she told me that she loved me - and
that the whole time she was apart from me, she was thinking about me - and it was
so real - and i was so happy and at the same time, i knew it was a dream, and that
i would wake up eventually and it would all evaporate. but it was so vivid, and
so genuine - and in the dream, she was holding me, and telling me about how,
through all that she had been through, she clung to the thought that i was “out
there” somewhere - and that she kept trying to get back to me -
the dream actually took me quite by surprise - being that just yesterday, i was
writing about how my heart doesn’t ache for her like it used to -
and it made me think about love - and what does love mean - and how love is “in my
life” and how i use it, and how i express it - and how it is expressed to me.
and how sometimes, i just feel the lack of it - and not the fullness of the love
that i have from the people who love me - in whatever capacity.
life is so confusing sometimes - and it’s so difficult (for me) to just let go and
live it - without analyzing everything to death -
yesterday, i felt so anxious - almost like i was vibrating at a super high
frequency - i just wanted to get out - run away -
i still feel like that today, and i’m not sure what’s causing it, or why i’m
feeling this way. sometimes i wonder if the loneliness is pressing in on me - creating
more and more internal pressure until i almost implode - but for whatever reason,
i don’t. i know that’s not real - but that’s what it feels like sometimes -
or maybe it’s all this pressure i’m putting on myself to “find” myself and “be
something” of significance - isn’t it pressure that makes diamonds out of coal??
so maybe there’s something to this - ???????
or maybe not.
October 06, 2005 051006_1.
for
better or for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in poor mental
health wouldn't it be nice if it was socially acceptable to call into work
mentally ill....
hi, i'm depressed today, i won't be at work...what? yes, clinically depressed...uh
huh, i have a doctor's note....ok, thanks, see you when i feel better.
there is such a stigma to mental illness...because people associate being
mentally ill with being a whack-o or a nut bag or some loony who talks to
themself in the street...but the fact of the matter is, that so many of us deal
with mental disorders...depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive behavior...to
name a few...
and mental fitness is something that we take for granted...after all, when we're
feeling good, there's no reason to question how long it will last, or what's
causing it...we just live...we're just happy and feeling good...it's that easy.
but when the chips are down...for whatever reason (be it chemical, or
environmental, or emotional, or whatever)...it feels like you're never going to
pull out of this, and that this is the depression (or anxiety, or manic episode
or ocd) that will take you out for good...and you're not so sure that would be
an entirely bad thing...because you don't know if you can live through another
"bad patch" so to speak.
i've been living with chronic depression since i was about 12. i've been
medicated for it since i just after my brother committed suicide, when i was 22...i've
had my meds switched several times, when one particular drug stopped working...i've
gone completely off the medicine (to nearly disasterous effects)...i've been on
prozac, paxil, wellbutrin, lexapro, and now prozac again...i've been prescribed
xanax for anxiety, but never took it, because of the potential for getting
hooked on it...being that i'm a recovering addict w/ 10 years of sobriety under
my belt.
i'm getting pretty good at knowing when a depressive episode is setting in...and
i've learned to get myself to the doctor for a med eval or adjustment so that i
don't fall into that black hole...
but right now, i feel like i'm riding the edge of that hole...on the precipice,
staring into the abyss.
so, i upped my meds, i'm hoping that helps...when i switched back to the 'zac,
the doc put me on only 40 mgs...which is 1/2 the dose that i used to be on...he
said that he didn't think that i should need more...
of course, this is the same arrogant prick who said, "boy, you must've really
been fat", when i told him that i had just recently lost 35 pounds...
so, last night, i took 3 pills instead of 2...
i thought about giving him a call...telling him that 40 mgs. just isn't cutting
it....i'm sure he'd say to start taking 60...but i don't want to deal with him...or
deal with having to pay for an appointment to go sit in his office for a mere 10
minutes.
when it's time for a refill, i'll let him know that i need 60 instead of 40...
my biggest fear is that the 'zac isn't going to do it's job and quit working,
like it did the first time, after taking it for 13 years...
and the other alternatives "out there" are so bad...some of them have horrific
withdrawl symptoms, some of them have even more horrific side effects...and i'm
just not willing to go there.
i can deal w/ the sexual side effects of prozac...it kills your libido....but i'm
single...so who cares...and really, it doesn't seem to affect me that badly,
cause i still manage to want to spend time with my little battery operated
friend...(wink wink, nudge nudge)
what i can't deal with is the thought that i'll have to keep changing my meds
every so often because the old one stops working.
it's bad enough to know that you have to take medication every day to maintain
your sanity...i hate that! i hate it as much as i hate having to take thyroid
medication every day (and yes, i know how closely hypothyroid mimics depression
and i am very careful to get that checked out regularly to make sure my thyroid
levels are normal)
but it's even scarier to know that one day, out of the blue, the medicine that
you take to regulate your brain chemistry so that you produce enough seratonin
and your body uses it properly...one day, that medicine could just stop working...fini,
caput, ovah....
and it doesn't help...the lonliness...the anxiety...the fear...none of that
helps...it just adds on to the laundry list of things that feel out of control
in my life...
and disclosing this to the world in such a fashion is probably a sure fire
guarantee that no one will want me...the proverbial "nail in the coffin"...so
to speak...
but as i've said before, i blog to get it out of me...away from my head...and i'm
not going to get into all the reasons that i do it "out loud" to the world...
i understand what the consequences of disclosing my insides to the everyone
could be...i really do.
and i'm pretty sure that this perpetual "aloneness" is probably for the better
anyway, cause really, i'm a mess...and no one wants to deal with this kind of
walking disaster...i mean, shit, i wouldn't...why would anyone else...
i am way too sensitive, i fall in love too quickly, i get my feelings hurt too
easily, i'm moody, i get bored, i'm fat, i can't get to my tears...and if i did,
i might never stop crying...it's a freakin' laundry list...
although, on the flip side of that coin, i am loyal to a fault, i'll make you
laugh, i make a wicked good chocolate chip cookie, i'm spontaneous, and i've
been told i'm a good kisser...
so, take that and throw it into the mix...i know i'm not all bad...
that's my story, and i'm sticking to it...
October 06, 2005 051006_78.
what i
get to see this is the view from my office window.
it's fleet week, so the blue angels were flying around giving us a little
preview...
the pics start with the extreme left view, and move over to the right in
succession...unfortunately, i don't have photoshop here in the office to put
them all together for you...so you'll have to use your imagination...
those crane things in the first pic look like imperial walkers...rumor has it
that's what george lucas used as his inspiration....
in picture 4, you can see the golden gate bridge, and alcatraz...although it's
kinda hazy...
October 07, 2005 051007_53.
take my
wife..i mean stuff..please! i seem to have an insatiable need to buy stuff - and
at the same time, a deep desire to get rid of stuff -
lately, i've been fantasizing about replacing my pc and laptop with mac
equipment...which probably ain't gonna happen, since i've just recently paid off
my laptop...and there's no way i can afford the ibook i want...
i realize that i’m trying to “fill” some emptiness inside me by buying stuff - i
get that - and by knowing that, i’ve probably saved myself quite a bit of money.
and lately, i’ve been feeling like i just want to get rid of everything that i
own - give it all away -
well, give it all away and buy new stuff -
ok, it’s a sickness - i’m starting to see that.
i also want to move. and the thought of packing up all my shit and moving, yet
again, makes me want to hurl -
i could just abandon all my stuff - and take my dogs and cats and computer and
stereo and tv and cd player - and all my cd’s - and my books, gotta take my books - and
my bed - i love my bed (it’s so comfy) - ok, so i’m abandoning nothing - cause i’m a
pack rat and i can’t leave any of it behind.
i think it would be easier if people could just come over and take stuff - maybe - that
way, i wouldn’t have to think about what was going, it would just be gone. but
then i’d be sad about losing certain things -
ugh, it’s just stuff - .in the end, absolutely meaningless - just things - but for
whatever reason, i am very attached to my things. (something i’d really like to
change about myself)
i’d have a big “garage” sale, if i had a front yard, or a garage for that matter - you
see, cause there’s the problem of hauling all that stuff out to the yard, or
garage, and then sitting there with it (which isn’t too bad of a thing) and then
having to haul it all back into the house (whatever doesn’t sell) -
i wish that there was someone who lived in my general vicinity that i could give
all this stuff to -
i gave away a lot of my stuff - mostly kitchen stuff - to my ex’s brother and sister
in law. she cooks and has parties and stuff - so i gave them all my nice nambÈ
platters and serving trays and stuff - cause they’ll use them, and i wasn’t. it’s
all stuff that i got from my wedding -
and most of the stuff that i really want to get rid of now are just clothes, and
dishes, and books - and there’s a bunch of clutter that could just be thrown away -
ideally, i’d like to move into a place w/ concrete floors and modular furniture
that either stows away somewhere, or hangs up on the wall - or something - that way,
the dogs could have room to run around and play - stuff wouldn’t get knocked over - and
there’d be nothing to pee on. that would be ideal - but i am not so sure that such
a place exists - oh, also, since we’re wishing here - a fenced yard w/ high fences - doesn’t
have to be a huge yard - just has to be a secure yard -
if you know of such a place, i’d be most grateful to hear about it!
also, if you suddenly decide that you want my stuff - please let me know - .i’m sure
we can work something out.
October 10, 2005 051010_77.
the
curative properties of chicken soup so, i had a pretty good weekend - spend most
of it studying - wrote 3 papers and various other writing assignments - it feels
good to get that all off my plate.
i hung out with the knitter on saturday, we shopped a little and then after
driving around for almost 2 hours, finally found a place to eat dinner - (a long
and hilarious story that i will spare you the details of - .mostly cause i’m too
lazy to type it all out)
on sunday i wrote papers again, and then went home and read for awhile, and
napped a little bit, then went over to the knitter’s and she made me (and her
roommate) chicken matzo-ball soup for dinner - and i started setting up her
computer and we ate and laughed and hung out and then had ice cream. it was fun!
i love hanging out with her - we laugh a lot!
i came to a sort of decision this weekend - about “her” and all that nonsense -
here’s what i decided -
it’s been made obvious that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me - and
that clearly, she doesn’t want me “in” her life - (as evidenced by the fact that
her email address no longer “works” and she doesn’t respond to any of my
comments in her LJ) -
and i’m not part of her group of friends - .and i need to stop trying to be - and
stop insinuating myself into her group and stop reading their LJ’s and just
disconnect from all of that - which makes me sad, cause i’d at least like to be
friends - but that’s not gonna happen - so i have to let it go completely!
i was thinking about writing her a letter - telling her that i’m not sure what
exactly i did - but that it seemed obvious to me that she doesn’t want me
contacting her or emailing her or whatever and that i get that - and that i would
hope that we could be friends at festival and just basically wish her well with
her life - mostly for closure for myself - cause part of me wants her to know that i’m
out of her hair and out of her business - .but i’m not sure that’s a good idea -
although, if it’s just for my own closure, then who the hell cares - right?? i don’t
know yet if i’m going to do it.
i guess, what i’m wishing is that i could know for sure what she was thinking - cause
all of what i’ve come up with is pure speculation - being that i’ve heard nothing
definitive from her about leaving her the hell alone or staying out of her
business - but actions do speak louder than words - so i’m pretty sure my assumption
is correct.
the knitter agreed with me - about needing to completely disconnect from her and
her group of friends and all - and she’s right -
i just hate the idea of people “out there” thinking bad things about me - ya know?
but i need to get over that as well - and focus on what i do have in my life and
the good things, and my wonderful friends who actually do love me - instead of
focusing on things that don’t exist, and people who don’t give a shit for me.
so, anyway, back to my life i guess -
on saturday, when the knitter and i went to the bookstore, i got this great book
which i started reading on sunday afternoon after studying and before napping - and
read more of on sunday night before bed. i’m almost done with it and it’s been a
really enjoyable read! i’m going to send it to her when i’m done with it - along
with another book that i meant to give her at festival and the ellis cd she
bought that i was going to get signed for her, but never wound up doing -
i also started reading this book a while ago - but lost interest and stopped
reading. it’s a good book, but i got bored. i need a fast read - fast and engaging - and
interesting - otherwise, i get bored and stop and the book just lies on my
nightstand unread for an incredibly long period of time - .either that, or i’ll
try to start reading it again, and pick it up and realize that i don’t remember
anything that i’d read previously - or at least not enough to just pick up where i
left off - and then i can’t be bothered to start over from the beginning and the
book just winds up on my shelf somewhere.
i love to read - .but like i said, it’s gotta be engaging - and a fast read.
i’m still trying to figure out what “my calling” is - and trying not to jump on
any bandwagons - which is how i wound up in law school and social work school and
almost expressive arts therapy school and now forensic psychology school - just
paying attention to things that i like a lot, and trying to sit with that and
discover what about it that i like and trying not to obsess about what kind of
career that “liking of something” could be turned into.
so far, i’ve decided that i like writing - i like reading - and i really like giving
people money and buying stuff for people.
i also decided that i think i’m going to start going to yoga again. not for
losing weight or toning up or anything like that - but just cause it’s enjoyable
and i like it - we’ll see how that ends up.
and finally - .
got this from my best friend so i thought i’d post it - .for grins..
Got this Welcome to the new edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's
what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun! Just copy
(not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that you can send.
Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole
bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you. Some of you
may get this several times that means you have lots of friends.
1. What is your occupation? i work for a software company, in the sales
department - doing upgrade sales and add on license sales - and it sucks and i hate
it - cause it’s boring.
2. What color is your underwear? not wearing any
3. What are you listening to right now? ross (my co-worker) trying to make a
sale on the phone
4. What was the last thing you ate? the knitter made me chicken matzo-ball soup
for dinner - and we had ice cream for dessert (ben & jerry’s chunky monkey,
karamel sutra, and dove vanilla with the chocolate ganache on top
5. Do you wish on stars? yes, yes i do
6. If you were a color what would it be? either dark green - or black
7. How is the weather right now? it’s still early (8:23 am) but it looks like it’s
going to be a nice sunny day - probably about 78 degrees - .the California
equivalent to fall.
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my dad
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? very much
10. How old are you today? 38 years, 1 month, 13 days, 7 hours
11. Favorite drink? water - really. but i love coffee and diet pepsi (which i
haven’t had for a way serious long time)
12. Favorite sport to watch? hoceky
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? many many times and many many colors
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? glasses
15. Pets? dogs: java and expo, cats: pj, Pierre, and nicky
16. Favorite month? august, but only cause of michigan
17. Favorite food? that changes all the time - but currently, i’d have to say
oatmeal
18. What was the last movie you watched? D.E.B.S.
19. Favorite day of the year? i’m not sure if i have a favorite day of the year - maybe
the day i arrive at festival - or maybe the first actual day of fest - not sure.
20. What do you do to vent anger? i journal - i rant - sometimes i cry
21. What was your favorite toy as a child? well, it was either my easy back oven,
my lite-brite, or my Barbie airplane thing which was a vinyl airplane that
unfolded, about the size of a small microwave - and you could play with Barbie in
it - ..
22. Fall or Spring? fall
23. Hugs or kisses? hugs and kisses!
24. Cherry or Blueberry? depends - if it’s hot, like compote - or cooked, like pie - then
cherry - if it’s just the plain fruit, then blueberry
25. Do you want your friends to email you back? always
26. Who is most likely to respond? not sure - .
27. Who is least likely to respond? again, not sure - .
28. Living arrangements? 1 bedroom apartment in north Oakland w/ all the animals
(see above)
29. What is on the floor of your closet? a bunch of crap - a big duffle, a box,
some shoes - i don’t really use the closet - so i’m not sure
30. Who do you Love? my animals, my parents, my friends
31. Who is the friend you have had the longest? hmmm - .i don’t really know how to
answer that one - .cause i have friends that i’ve known for many many years, but
we don’t really talk to each other or see each other anymore, but i still
consider them friends -
32. What did you do last night? had dinner with the knitter and her roommate
33. Who inspires you? sadly, i’m not sure
34. What are you afraid of? spiders - and being alone (not being alone in the “all
by myself” sense - but being alone as in living my life alone - with no one to share
it with - and dying alone
35. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? cheese please
36 Favorite car? hmm - i love the mini cooper - .it’s so cute, but i also love my
car ñ VW GTI (and would love it even more if it were a stick shift)
37. Favorite dog breed? not sure about this one - maybe a weimaraner - .cause they
are so beautiful and smart!
38. Number of keys on your key ring? 3 ñ car, house, and storage unit
39. How many years at your current job? i’ve been here for 1 year, 8 months, 8
days
40. Favorite day of the week? i think saturday, but i’m awfully fond of sunday
as well
41. How many states have you lived in? two
42. How many cities have you lived in? nine
October 11, 2005 051011_42.
hello,
my name is lisa, and i am a lesbian! happy national coming out day!
so far, this morning, i’ve come out to two people at work - and i encouraged them
to come out as well, but they’re not gay - so they didn’t have anything to come
out as. so Itsy, my co-worker came out as a straight person, and Bitsy, another
co-worker came out as an old person (although she’s not remotely old).
it’s a start -
i’m waiting for another co-worker to get here today - .he’s WAY gay - aflame, if you
know what i mean - not too terribly flamey, but flamey nonetheless - i’m wondering
if i’ll be able to get him to come out to me.
ok, i’m a dork, i know this - i’m extremely aware of how dorky i am - and i am in in
NO WAY making light of the difficulty that some people have coming out. i know
that it was very difficult for me and somewhat traumatic at the time, but i
wouldn’t have it any other way. i love being a lesbian - it’s who i am! it’s the
one part about myself that i am unequivocally happy about. i think that we all
need to come out and show the world first of all, how many we are in number, and
secondly, how regular we are - we are, after all, everywhere.
i find it incredibly sad that there are some places in this country and in the
world that it is unsafe for people to be who they are. downright dangerous - you
could be killed for being gay in some places. and in other places, people feel
that it is ok to make your life miserable because of your sexual orientation - (and
can i just take this opportunity to say that i HATE when people say sexual
preference - as though we had a choice in the matter!!!)
i would certainly prefer not to be one of the oppressed minority. i would prefer
not to have to worry about my relationship status as to how it is seen by the
government (i.e.: taxes, rights, etc.), i would prefer to be able to walk down
the street holding my girlfriend’s hand without fear of repercussions or danger - but
i there is no preference in who i sleep with - i don’t choose to love women - i just
do - no choice in the matter, none whatsoever. it’s just the way God made me.
ok, rant aside -
i just want to again wish you all a happy national coming out day and i
encourage you to come out, come out, whoever you are!
October 11, 2005 051011_92.
more
thoughts from the abyss so, i get that this is the second entry of the day...consider
yourself lucky (if you like reading the incessant ramblings that come from my
caffeine addled brain)
i was talking to mbf*this morning on yahoo chat...and we said:
chnacat: i so much want to stop feeling like my life is on hold...like i'm
waiting for something to happen so that i can move on
chnacat: how come they don't have eharmony.com for gay people?
ainsleesmom: I had that EXACT same thought this morning on my way to work
ainsleesmom: the first one, actually
ainsleesmom: i was wondering if my whole life would be about just surviving in
the here and now or if at some point, there was actually going to be some
purpose.
chnacat: wow, i was gonna say, if you had the exact same thought as the second
one...that would be pretty random!
chnacat: yeah, i feel like i'm constantly treading water
chnacat: but i don't know how to do it any differently
and all this praying about discovering my calling...i believe in the power of
prayer...and sometimes, we don't get the answers we want...but i'm not looking
for any particular answer here....just a little shove in the right direction...
and maybe, i'm already going in the right direction, and after i finish my
program and get my masters in forensic psych...something else will make itself
known...
but man, i sure am tired of waiting...
i am such an instant gratification junkie! i want what i want when i want it,
and that's usually right now...or 10 minutes ago.
it's a good thing i don't have kids. it would be hard to explain to them why
they have to wait for things and why mommy gets whatever she wants whenever she
wants it...
"no honey, you can't have ice cream for dinner, you have to eat something
nutritious first"
"but mom....you are having ice cream for dinner!!!! why do you get ice cream
for dinner???"
"because there are special rules for mommy...and you'll just have to deal with
the disappointment."
yeah, that'll work...
anyway, i'm incredibly bored at work, yet again...and fortunately (or
unfortunately) for you...that means lots of meaningless blather in my diary...
goody...
and another thing...i know that there are stats and such, and i can check ip
addresses to see who's been here...but that really doesn't tell me anything
about who you are and why you're reading....so, if you wouldn't mind...make a
comment in my comments (right there...under this entry, in red) and tell me who
you are...k?
*my best friend
October 12, 2005 051012_55.
to be, or not to be (jewish that is) ok, so either no one is reading...or no one
is brave enough to leave a comment...
i can handle that...i guess...(sniff sniff....)
things are pretty status quo...not much new to report.
tomorrow is yom kippur, the day of atonement. i wasn't going to take off work,
but i decided this morning that i wanted to, so i requested it from my boss...(the
day off, that is). i'm pretty sure he'll say ok, after all, it's a religious
holiday and i work for a company owned and run by conservative, almost orthodox
jews.
i want to take the day off for a couple of reasons...aside from the fact that it's
yom kippur.
i don't plan on going to temple...i don't belong to a temple around here...(or
around anywhere for that matter)...but i do plan to spend the day in reflection
of my year and atoning for my transgressions....
i'm not going to fast thought....i hate fasting...i never manage to make it a
whole day w/o eating...
i also need to run so i thought i'd go for a long run in the morning...
i also don't get a weekend this weekend cause i have school...so i need a day to
decompress...
so, it's not entirely honest to say that i want to observe yom kippur...that's
only partially true.
if i was living near my mom and dad, i'd be going to temple with them...but i'm
not, so i won't.
another reason is that on rosh hashana, all the other jews took the day off and
i worked and i was jewish lonely. if that makes any sense.
i don't mean to only be jewish when it's convenient for me....i mean, i'm not
really a practicing jew, for all intents and purposes...but i am jewish...i
embrace my jewish heritage...and i'd like to be more involved in my judiasm...so
i guess this is a start...
or maybe i'm just making excuses for the fact that i don't want to come to work
tomorrow.
other than that, nothing exciting to tell. i got my syllabus for my classes next
quarter...and i had to buy 9 books...which cost me $250 bucks! 4 books for one
class and 7 books for the other...(one of the books was out of print, and one of
them i already have.)
but the classes look interesting...so that should be good. one of them is psych.
of criminal behavior and the other is individual assessment (assessing
individuals...not my own personal assessment).
should be good...lots of reading and paper writing, but i like reading and paper
writing, so it's all good.
as good as it's gonna get anyway.
October 13, 2005 051013_26.
blindside me! l'shana tovah ya'll....
been spending the day at home, contemplating...
also went on a pathetic and painful run in the too hot. i only made it 2.8 miles
(which is almost 3, which is almost 4, which was the minimum i was supposed to
run today)
anyway, i digress...while i was running, this song came on my ipod, and it
perfectly summed up my little "thing" this summer...and it made me smile while
i was running (and that's something!)
empty heart
full of contradiction
empty arms
waiting for your direction
but who am I to expect your surrender
who am I to think that I can make you fall in love with me
patiently wondering if i’ll ever find peace
work out my problems by playing
screamed out my throat
and left my heart hanging
but the blind side of love
yeah it moved right in to you
blind side of fate
yeah it fell right on you
but now Iëve felt me in you
and I want you to
come on and blind side me
cause I love everything about you
and I don’t even know you
so I hope everything i’ve made up about you is true
cause your smile yeah it’s stuck in my eyes
and your mouth makes me forget what i’m saying
and your lips make me wonder if your taken
tell me are you taken?
blind side of love
yeah it moved right in to you
blind side of fate
yeah it fell right on you
and now I’ve felt me in you
and I want you to
come on baby
blind side me
yeah come on baby
blind side me
ëcause i’m not sure i’ve got it
it being life and how to live it
but I could try with you
ëcause I seem to stutter
when I lie to you
blind side of love
yeah it moved right in to you
blind side of fate
yeah it fell right on ya
and now I have felt me in you
and I want you to
come on baby
blind side me
oh yeah come on baby
blind side me...yeah
blind side me
October 14, 2005 051014_84.
i'm an
insensitive boob! i’m an ass -
it’s true. there are many instances of me being an ass, just read through my
past entries - you’ll find them, there are many of them.
one example for you is that while i’ve been all wrapped up in feeling ignored
and forgotten and unwanted - the person who i’ve been focusing all these feelings
on has been suffering - unimaginable suffering - suffering i cannot even fathom.
her dad’s been sick
she’s lost all of her belongings
she’s been living with her parents (difficult for any of us under the best of
circumstances)
she’s seen nothing but destruction and piles of garbage, and smelling unholy
smells
she’s been disconnected from all that she knows and loves and understands - .
and here i am, complaining that she hasn’t returned my emails -
see - i’m an ass.
i think that i have been so embarrassed by my own behavior that i’ve made her
the scape goat - that way, i don’t have to feel like an idiot for how i’ve been
acting.
well, it’s a new year, and it’s time to forgive those who have wronged you this
past year and ask for forgiveness from those whom you have wronged. i hope she
can forgive me for being such a meat head.
and i hope i can forgive myself too - cause there’s no use carting that baggage
around for the next year - i have to flog myself and then leave it behind. nothing
i can do to change the past.
and the pain of feeling like an idiot will fade in time.
and speaking of the new year - we jews don’t particularly make resolutions, per se - but
we do think about what we want for ourselves and what kind of person we want to
be in the new year.
i know that i want to be less selfish - think more about other people than of
myself. (i do that a lot now, but i also think about what i’m getting out of the
giving - .which is counter to being a selfless giver)
i want to find my calling - and work toward moving forward in my life - instead of
feeling so stagnant.
i want to be a better parent to my animals - which means getting them a yard to
play in.
i want to be cleaner - neater in my home - not let dishes pile up, not let dirty
clothes pile up -
i want to continue taking care of myself in the form of eating right and getting
exercise
i want to put myself “out there” more, and spend more time with other people and
less time with myself -
those are just the things i can think of right now - i’m sure i’ll refine my list
as time goes on.
so, i guess i need to forgive myself and treat myself with kindness if i’m going
to move on to tackle those lofty goals -
here’s to a promising and fruitful new year - for all of us!
October 15, 2005 051015_83.
impulsivity disorder? perhaps. I want a mac...it’s not rational, I know this,
but I want one...and knowing me, I’ll figure out a way to get one, despite the
fact that I have a perfectly functional pc, and laptop.
Maybe I can give my desktop to my dad, and he can give his to my mom...or vice
versa...and then get a docking station for my laptop and use that as my “pc” and
then get a mac powerbook or ibook...
Although, presumably, if I got a mac, I’d use that one exclusively...and just
not use my pc anymore...
Shit, I don’t know....
I need to go to the mac store and spend some time with an mac “genius”...
I also need to figure out how to get approximately $2500.00 bucks to spend on
this machine...
That’s way too fuckin’ expensive! I know this, but I want what I want when I
want it..., which is a problem....i get it...
Ugh
So, I’m actually sitting her in class, we just did our clinical assessment
presentations....i went first...just to get it over with. And now that’s done....thank
God!
Ok, back to note taking....
Alright, we’re talking about histrionic personality disorder....it’s almost 5:00,
and I’m ready to be done with this day....
And yes, I’m thinking about stopping by the apple store on my way home....cause
I’m sick that way.
Ok, I’m home, it’s much later, and I didn’t stop at the apple store on the way
home...cause there was no way I could justify it,
that, and the dogs needed to go out to pee....
I’m thinking that I’ll give my mom my computer, or maybe my laptop, and then of
course, I’d need a new laptop...and voila...ok, not exactly voila...but it’s a
process....ya know? It needs to evolve...percolate...become...
Ah shit, who am I kidding....
October 16, 2005 051016_2.
just a
bunch of rambling nonsense for your entertainment So, I think I’m a good person...i
like to do things for other people...and I usually make decisions to do things
for people without thinking about it, I just do it...but for some reason, I can’t
seem to stop myself from thinking, after the fact, “wow, karma points”...or “gee,
I hope that means that something good will happen to me later”...
Frinstance, this morning, I was on my way to school, I stopped at the chevron
station to get gas...and some woman came up to me...she was dirty, pregnant, and
begging....she had a gas can and said, “can you please help me out with some gas”...so
I filled her gas can...cause you know, do unto others as you would have them do
unto you....and you should always try to help people if you can...so I filled
her gas can...
But after I filled my own tank, and was driving away, I had the thought, “well,
I hope that brings me luck today on my final”....
That’s disgusting...i can’t just do something nice without thinking about what’s
in it for me....
Shit, I just totally erased my notes from yesterday’s class...fuck!!!
Ok, I’m over it...that’s what happens when you are trying to write a diary entry
while you should be taking notes...grrrr.....shit shit shit shit shit!
Ok....ok, I just have to deal...i don’t think there was anything all too
important in those notes...nothing that’s not in the dsm...but fuck!
I was taking notes for today, and I opened yesterdays notes and erased what I
wrote yesterday and did a “save as” and I hit enter instead of backspace...so I
saved the new notes over the old notes....i wonder if they are recoverable??
Probably not, cause there was no back up copy...
I SO know better!
I am so done with people today...certain people specifically, but all people in
general. There is a particular guy in my class that is excessively annoying...and
whenever he opens his mouth, I just want to fly across the room and smack him.
He’s a pseudo-hyper intellectual type and he’s always spewing theory and crap
that isn’t relevant to what we’re talking about...a couple of times, he’s said
some really inappropriate things...
Other than that, there are some pretty cool people in my class...but I’m just
done with everyone right now.
I think I’m going to try writing...there’s this program called...NaNoWriMo,
National Novel Writing Month...you write a novel (55000 words) in a one month
period of time. I have to think of what to write about...but I wanna try it...and
if I create something that is any good...then maybe I can publish it...(hah,
possibly a pipe dream) I’m sure everyone who participates in NaNoWriMo thinks
that...but I’m equally sure that there have been some novels published as a
result of the program.
Hmmmmm...what to write about??? And wouldn’t it be so much smarter to write on a
powerbook?
Ok, now I’m justifying my justifications....
But I want one....wahhhhhh.....
Ok, knock that off, right the fuck now!
I’m in class right now, so I can’t do any research on the NaNoWriMo or how you
pick your topic or where to start, but I’m sure there are guidelines and such.
More on that later...
Still in class....sitting through other people’s presentations....our final will
be sometime after this....i expect that my brain will be a wet marshmallow by
the time the final gets here. I’m already not retaining much as it is...i just
want to take the test and get out of here....
But I’m rambling....
October 18, 2005 051018_95.
and the
next nobel prize for literature goes to.... well, i'm doing it. i'm going to
write a novel...
i already have a vague plot outline...and am starting on character development...i'm
not sure if i'm ready to reveal any of that here yet, but i will...eventually!
i'm totally excited about it! it might be a load of crap...but it'll be my load
of crap, and i've been craving some sort of creative outlet lateley...(as i
stare at my easel and canvas that i sketched on almost a year ago...and my
unopened paints)
AND!!! i've been having delusions of grandeur as well...
that i'll actually write something good
that i'll be able to have it published
that people will actually read it
that it'll be something i'll want to do again and actually be kind of good at...
well, one can fantasize, can't one?
and i'm still researching the mac thing...which means that i haven't gone out
and bought one yet, which means that i'm doing rather well with my impulse
control....but i'm close, very very close...
i've gone and looked at 2 used ones...they were in shitty condition, so i didn't
get em...
i just have to decide how much money i'm willing to spend, which will dictate
which machine i am going to get.
my primary use for it is going to be writing ... for school and for novel
writing. and i want something uber portble and easy to schlepp around (which my
current laptop isn't).
i'm still trying to decide whether i'm going to give my mom my old pc and use
the laptop as a desktop, or give her the laptop and keep the desktop...that way,
i'll have a mac and a pc and i'll be able to do what i want on pc that i
supposedly can't do on mac....we shall see...
according to the genius* at the apple store (*that's what they're called...really!)
there is nothing that i can do on a pc that i can't do on a mac...mac's hung the
moon, they are the greatest thing since toast, they never crash, you can't get a
virus, they'll help you cheat on your taxes, mac's'll do your laundry, they'll
make your mom stop nagging you, they are so easy to use, even a monkey could do
it...blah blah blah...his eyes glazed over and he got into a kind of a manic
state, just talking about it.
frankly, i think it's a cult...but hey, that's never stopped me before...
other than that, school's become a bit of a bitch this past week. i have a ton
of stuff due this weekend, and my run is this weekend, and my parents are coming
and there will be no studying taking place. so i either have to stealthily do it
at work....or call in sick one day to take care of it. i hate calling in sick...i
always feel like i'm letting people down.
oh well, i'm going to have to get over it. no?
other than that....things are pretty status quo...which is good i suppose. i don't
think i could handle the extra stress right now. although, i'm sure i'll create
some kind of chaos for myself...things (and people) being what they are.
special thanks to molly for her help and encouragement with NaNoWriMo! We'll see
how this goes...
October 18, 2005 051019_64.
jump
right in, the water's fine...it's icy cold, but it's fine! well, i did it...i
took the plunge...
i'm writing to you on my new powerbook
AND I LOVE IT!!!!
ok, impulsive? yes!
frivolous? yes!
irresponsible?? yes!!!
but hey, it's only money (as the guy in the apple store told me)...and he's
right...it is only money...and as long as my rent is paid and my animals are fed,
then it's all good...right?
but can i just tell you how much i fucking love this machine????
love love love it!
i can't stand it! i love the way the keyboard feels, i love the way the display
looks, i love everything about it...
and i don't even have buyers remorse...seriously, i am so glad i did it!
ok, but enough about my new laptop...i think i'll name him seymour.
i've lost it..seriously. i'm having a love affair with this laptop....forget
finding a womyn to love..i'll just love this machine...
ok, enough self indulgent rambling.....enough!
October 20, 2005 051020_39.
goodbye cruel world, and other sentiments i’m
not sure what the world is coming to -
with mother’s throwing their babies into the bay - and hurricanes destroying
entire cities - and people being murdered willy nilly - .and starbuck’s made my
coffee wrong this morning!!! they actually put cream* in it - for some ungodly
reason!!!
it’s scary -
if i was a religious fanatical cultist type, i would be convinced that the world
was actually in the midst of her death throes - and that we should make plans to
board the space ship that is hiding in the tail of the comet which is coming
after the massive supernova of some faraway star -
it’s happening my brothers and sisters - .gather the weapons stockpile and some
canned goods and come to the bomb shelter where we will drink kool aid and lay
down wearing our purple nike’s to await our salvation!
ok, maybe not - but geez!
i’m totally itching to get started with my “novel” - but i technically can’t start
until November 1st - and i want to follow the rules of NaNoWriMo - so i’m holding
off.
i’m taking tomorrow off to work on one of my finals and some papers - so i’ll be
able to test out the absolute greatness of my new laptop. i’m going to either go
to sbux or to the library -
someone made a comment in my “comments” that if it couldn’t be done on a mac, it
wasn’t worth doing - and i’m starting to be inclined to agree - that’s how much i’m
in love with this new machine! she is so sleek, and beautiful, and efficient!!!
now i just need to learn the in’s and out’s of mac -
f’r’example, i know how to fix my pc if it breaks. i know how to open the sucker
up and add drives, or memory, or replace things - i know how to diagnose and fix
problems, i know how to do defrag and disk clean up and all that jazz to keep it
running smoothly - .
i just need to learn all that stuff for mac and i’m good to go - and would
possibly even consider going all the way - (i.e., all mac, all the time) - .i could
totally see myself replacing my big clunky desktop w/ an imac or a mac mini -
ack!!
i’m becoming indoctrinated!!!
needless to say, i’m thrilled with it and super psyched to “road test” it
tomorrow!
and - my race is this weekend. i haven’t done any training for almost 2 weeks - and
i’m completely nervous that i’m going to tank on sunday - .but all i can do is “just
do it”. and if i have to walk a lot of it, so be it. but i will finish the damn
thing! and i’ll be happy to be done with it too. (there, i’ve said it - and
nothing bad happened - phew!)
that’s pretty much all the news that’s fit to print - and even some that’s unfit - but
hey, i’m a giver -
and let me take a moment to wish my best friend a happy birthday today! i wish i
could be there to spend it with you!!!
* i should mention that i don't have anything against cream in my coffee...if
that's the way i intended to drink it. sometimes, it's completely yummy w/ cream
and some cocoa sprinkled in it...but on a day to day basis, my regular "fix"
is a venti americano...a strong coffee...black...just coffee...and that's not
what i got today...and i'm not happy about it!
October 22, 2005 051022_16.
run run
run run run run run run run (like an antelope, out of control) quick update....i'm
DONE with my psych and the law class!!! i took my final yesterday and wrote my
last essay this morning...i am so fucking happy about it i could weep tears of...shit
i don't know....tears of gold...tears of swiss chocolate...tears of...whatever
encompases joy.
now, i'm just waiting till noon, so i can go pick the "rents" up at the
airport...and my "race weekend" officially begins. i have to pick up my race
packet (my number and timing chip) at the Nike store this afternoon. Now, the
only thing i need to concentrate on now is finishing that 1/2 marathon in a
reasonable amount of time on sunday! and then it's dim sum heaven!!!
other than that, it's good. i went to the apple store yesterday and got an
airport extreme base, which is basically just a router for my wireless
connection at home.
yes, i had one...but it was doing some crazy weird shit lately, and i couldn't
get onto the internet and it was pissing me off...and i don't like the idea of
paying for DSL and then using someone else's wireless network (i'm pretty sure
my landlord upstairs has one) to get online. it feels like stealing to me...
so, now i'm back, all hooked up, both wirelessly and wiredly (is that a word??)....and
i loved how easy it was to set up, and how nice it looks in my desk, and how
clean it is...and how lovely it is....
(do they put something into the air in that store?? i am beginning to wonder...the
longer a person spends in there, the more and more indoctrinated they become....)
i could so easily see myself going entirely mac by the end of the year...
ack!
anywho...that's all for now. wish me luck w/ my mom & dad, and with the race!!!
(i know you already do, and i appreciate that more than you know!)
October 23, 2005 051023_52.
i came,
i saw, i did the damn thing! i did it!!! i freakin' did it!!!!
i ran the Nike 1/2 marathon this morning!!!
the weather was perfect (overcast, foggy and misty the whole time)and i did it
in under 3 hours, which was my goal!!! 2 hours and about 51 minutes to be exact
(i think, i won't know exactly till i can look it up online).
almost the entire second 1/2 of the race was uphill...which was a bitch, and i
walked up all the hills, but i finished and crossed the finish line running!
i'm so stoked and proud of myself!!
and i had a great time with my mom and dad. after the race, we have a dim sum
feast!
the only horrible thing that happened this weekend is that java and expo ate 2
entire boxes of (doggie) cookies...
on saturday night, i got home, and the tupperwear bucket that i keep their
cookies in was upside down on the floor and empty.
and as a lovely result of that...expo got diarrhea and shat all over the house
on sunday...(and i do mean ALL over the house!)
it was disgusting, and not exactly what i wanted to come home to...but it's all
cleaned up, the race is done, i'm done with all my homework and finals and such,
and i can just relax and enjoy....
hooray!
October 24, 2005 051024_18.
13.1, in a nutshell ok, the results are in!
out of 7854 people, i came in 4559th place - my final time was 2:53:22 (which is
actually 2 minutes less than the pace i chose to run). my age rank was 725 (out
of 1170) , and my sex rank was 4206 (out of 7343).
not too shabby, if i do say so myself!
i’m wearing my finishers shirt today - even though it’s made out of that creepy
dri-fit stuff - i hate that material - but i wanted to show off, so i’m wearing it.
i can’t believe it’s actually over. i’m so relieved, i can’t even express it - oddly,
i don’t have that frenetic urge to shop - or buy shit online, or anything - all of
that is gone - so i guess it was race jitters. oh well, no harm done - and now i
have a beautiful new powerbook -
although - .the urge to “go completely mac” is still here - so maybe that had
nothing to do with it after all.
it really was a glorious weekend. i had so much fun with my m & d! i’m sore as
hell today - but that’s to be expected.
that’s really all there is right now.
my landlord called me last night, he said he needs to come in to my apartment to
check on some leak in the garage - ...supposedly, my shower is leaking - but i don’t
think so.
at any rate, my apartment is a fucking disaster. looks like a tornado went
through it. a tornado that was flinging dog shit and cat litter and dust and
dirty clothes - i have to clean like a banshee - .
i did clean up the mess that expo left yesterday, but i didn’t superclean - which
is what i really need to - .cause, really - .gross -
and my bathroom is a disaster, clothes on the floor, crap all over the counter - it’s
nasty -
so, when i get home, i have to start power cleaning - .and hopefully, he’s not
planning on spending a lot of time in my house.
i hate it when he comes in - it’s not so much him, per se, but just the fact that
he owns the place, and whenever he comes in, he looks it over w/ an eagle eye to
make sure it’s all in good shape and i’m not destroying the place - .which i get - .but
he ALWAYS finds some reason to nag me about something - even though i keep the
place really nice for the most part. it is true that some of the floor has been
messed up by the dogs peeing - .but the floor wasn’t that great to begin with - ..and
i already know i’m not getting my security deposit back - so really - i don’t want
to hear about it, ya know?
anyway, that’s just me whining - .and i can do that here - cause it’s my space -
thank you for listening!
October 25, 2005 051025_91.
anxiety
returns i'm feelin' like i'm having a little "let down"...so to speak. post
show depression, as it were.
i wasn't able to really put my finger on it, until i was talking to my mom and
she said, "are you feeling a little let down?"
and i thought, "yeah, yeah, i am..."
(yes, i think with elipses)
i guess i thought i'd be riding a little higher for a little longer after my big
accomplishment...but for whatever reason, i'm not. (could be because i got my
period during the run...and that always brings me down a little)
not sure.
i also am feeling a little squeezed in terms of money this month...even though
there is plenty of it...my bills are paid, my rent is paid, i have a nice amount
left over...
i think i'm feeling nervous about it cause i want to buy stuff, and there's no
extra for that. cause i used it all up on my laptop. and i don't even
particularly want anything....i just have that spendy feeling (which, we all
know is indicative of something else going on...but frankly, i'd rather buy
stuff than figure out what's really bothering me)
i'm going to the yarn store and to dinner at picante tonight with the knitter
and her roommate (and her roommate's cousin who is visiting from germany). me,
the knitter, and the germans...going out for mexican food.
i'm not really in the mood for mexican food, but i'll deal.
and i talked my landlord into coming over on saturday, cause i got home
yesterday and i was just too damn tired to do any cleaning...
so
as it is now, i have to either clean my house bit by bit between now and
saturday, or just get up early saturday morning and do it.
knowing me, i'll do it saturday morning.
October 25, 2005 051025_35.
non-sequitur
have you ever noticed what a funny sounding word "stew" is...
October 26, 2005 051026_93.
same
place? same place. same thing? same thing. i am at a loss...
i cannot, for the life of me, put my finger on exactly how i'm feeling.
i feel kind of floaty...empty...blank...
it's weird.
i don't particularly like it.
and my eating is getting out of control, and i'm gaining weight...and part of me
doesn't give a shit about it, but part of me wants to start a new diet right
away....
sometimes, i hate being me.
i shaved my head last night...well, not bald, i used a #3 (3/8) on the sides and
back and a #5 (5/8) on the top. it's cute. i look like a boy now...but it's ok,
i like it like that.
the knitter will be sad that i cut off my faux-hawk...but i was tired of it and
it was getting too long.
i might go shorter, all around the same lenght, but i'm not sure yet. i like the
way it feels when it's shorter...then i can spend my time rubbing my head...(which,
as we all know, is a fine use of one's time).
i was reading some LJ's this morning...and one of them is a person from NOLA who
is moving to oregon...
it made me think for a hot second about moving there...i love it there...
another very good friend of mine just recently moved there with his partner,
holly. they were living in oakland...
but then i thought, "why would i want to move to oregon?"...i basically just
got here (to the bay area) and i'd have to find a place to live, and a job, and
basically start over from scratch...
but it makes perfect sense to me...cause that's exactly what i want to do.
scrap everything and start over clean.
unfortunately, that's not really a good plan. primarily becuase you can't really
erase your life and start over. it doesn't work that way...and no matter where i
go, i'm still going to have all this baggage that i've been schlepping around. i'm
still going to be me, with all of my hangups, and discomforts, and uncertainties...
i think the better thing to do would be to come to a place of peace inside
myself...which, is the obvious answer, but i don't know how to begin to do that
and i feel like i'm walking in a circle w/ one foot nailed to the floor, trying
the same useless things, over and over again.
but running away sounds so simple and easy, and nice, frankly. and if i thought
for 1/2 a second that it might work, i'd do it.
but i know better.
i know i've said it before, but sometimes i wish my family didn't exist...so
that way, i could be a total abysmal failure, and no one would be disappointed
in me.
but at the same time, i love my mom and dad, and i would miss them if they were
gone...
once again, i'm like a "push-me-pull-you"
and once again, i feel like calling in sick to my life.
seriously, why can't we have time to hide. time to squirrel ourselves away
without consequences...
someone that would say,
"sure, take as much time as you need...your life will be here for you when you're
ready to come back to it"
the ability to put the world "on hold"...
but alas, such a thing does not exist...
i'd write a short story about it, but someone already did it...and then it aired
on the twilight zone...
that's another thing...everything worth doing (or reading about) has already
been done. how do you recconcile that??? what's the point of trying new things
or inventing things or coming up with new ideas....cause, really, it's all been
done and tried and heard before.
how are we expected to "make something of ourselves" when someone's already
done it???
i wish i could just quit. run off, join the circus...go live in a cave somewhere
...(a cave w/ wi-fi and power...and pizza delivery)....
ugh, and ugh.
October 27, 2005 051027_6.
it only
gets worse... grrr...
i got a somewhat nasty email from my landlord this morning when i got to work...
Lisa:
Pls make sure you walk out after you dogs. I saw a bunch of dog feces in three
different areas...1 belonged to Paulos dog b/c it was huge and the other 2 were
your dogs b/c they were a bunch of tiny ones... I asked Paulo to pick up his and
he picked up yours while he was at it.
Pls keep an eye out... I hate having to keep reminding people...I don't want to
step on them when I get home and walk into my apt.
Thank you for your attention to this matter... I also washed off lots of dog
urine all over tonight! I don't get it.
I will be there Saturday to take a look at the shower and do caulking with
Silicone if needed. If you could clean shower that'd be great since the caulking
won't work if surface below is not clean...
Landlord
here was my response
sorry about the dog waste, it was dark when i went out after them and didn't see
it.
i usually try to keep on top of that.
also, i have been using the hose to rinse the walls. i didn't use the hose
yesterday cause it was raining and you're always concerned about the cost of
water...
and regarding the tub and the leak. i saw the leak you were talking about in the
garage, and i also saw where it was coming from. it's not coming from my tub...but
from one of the small pipes above the leak (i saw it dripping)
i'm planning on having you come over saturday (any time after 11:00), and yes,
the shower will be clean.
i hate having interractions like that...and i hate the fact that i have no yard
for the dogs to play in.
i really need to move!
i'm thinking about signing up for some kind of apartment finding service...
but then i have to figure out how i'm going to come up with the down and deposit...cause
i know i'm not getting mine back from this place cause of the floors.
ugh, i hate this! i hate feeling like i am one step away from not having a place
to live...(which i know is not actually the case, but it's how i feel)
i wish i could buy a house...but my credit sucks and i have no money...
some people would say, "time to play the lottery"...but no, i really can't
spare the buck right now.
and of course, other people would just scold me for squandering my money on the
macintosh...but screw them...i love that thing!
what's a person to do.
(run away?...no, we've been through that)
i hate feeling unsettled like this. i hate and despise it.
one of these days, i'm gonna get my shit together!!
oh, that just reminded me...i had this dream last night/this morning...
there was this girl, someone from my childhood...she and her younger sister
lived in my neighborhood...i used to go over to their house and dye easter eggs...but
i digress...
in the dream, she was this butch-ish dyke w/ long brown hair...and she was after
me...and i liked her too...and i remember her telling me that she didn't love me
and that she wasn't going to tell me she did if it wasn't true, cause she didn't
want to mislead me or hurt me. (which is directly out of the gilmore girls
episode 2 weeks ago)...
and we fooled around in the dream, and it was nice, but at the same time,
strange...
strange, because she had these weird long hanging nipples...4 of them...two on
her breasts, and two that grew out of her stomach...
and when she kissed me, we would put our tongues in each other's mouths and just
sit there...holding our tongues perfectly still
and i asked her about it and she said that our tongues were happy and satisfied
and they just had to sit there...and rest
ok, weird, disturbingly weird....i know this...
but what does it mean?? cause it's gotta mean something...but what??
probably just that i have a twisted mind, no doubt.
October 28, 2005 051028_41.
more of
the same for your reading pleasure this is a weird time.
i'm not sure why, but i feel strangely disconnected and uncomfortable and out of
sorts...
well, you ask, why is this any different than any other time?
i'm not sure, exactly. i just feel angsty in a different way.
and i know that i've said it before, but it really does feel like something big
is on the horizon...and i'm not sure if it's something big for me personally, or
for the country, or for the world...but it's big, and it's coming.
and i've been having some really strange dreams lately. of course, now that i
mention it, i can't recall one of them to write about...but trust me when i say
they've been strange.
so, i'm sitting here at my desk, and my co-workers on the other side of the
cubicle wall are talking about business analysts and what they make per year and
so i go over there to chat it up...and the topic of research analysts come up,
and it gets me to thinking, i love doing research...finding out information...and
i'm good at it...
see how susceptible i am!!!
but it does bear looking in to...i mean, there may be some kind of research
positions available in the forensic psych field...no??
ok, probably not, but still...it's a direction to look into.
other than that, not much new. i was thinking about kissing last night...not
sure why exactly, but i had a flash back to michigan and kissing a certain
someone...ooof! that was so so so nice! a nice memory to have, if i do say so
myself.
ok, enough rambling....back to work!
October 31, 2005 051031_76.
boo!
this is really scary!!! happy halloween
i didn’t feel like dressing up this year. usually, i like to get dressed up - but
not this year. which, if you think about it, is kind of interesting, given my
constant desire to be someone else and escape from my own life.
i found out today that i have an assignment due that i didn’t know about - and it
requires quite a bit of reading, which i could have been doing this weekend
instead of farting around and playing with my friends -
i’m feeling kind of agitated about it - cause i don’t like to have assignments
hanging over my head - especially since i don’t really know what this one entails
since i haven’t cracked the book yet.
and last night, i had a dyke march meeting - it was at the author and the tax mom’s
house. i don’t know if i’ve ever said anything about them before, but i’m very
fond of both of them. the author is an actual published author and her long time
partner is the tax mom - they are really wonderful!!!
anyway, so i was telling the author about how i’m doing the NaNoWriMo and about
how i’m going to write a great novel and it’s going to get published and i’m
going to be able to settle down and become a writer, just like her -
of course, i was saying it sort of “tongue in cheek” - but part of me really meant
it - even though she was looking at me like i was speaking French out of my butt
while juggling Cornish game hens in my underwear and singing Carmen, and
standing on my head.
that got me thinking - or rather, more accurately, that got me rolling down good
old self-deprecation road, with a quick left on pity circle, through worthless
alley, and then right, onto the low self esteem expressway.
who do i think i am, that i could possibly write anything worth reading - !?! and
maybe i’m not really quite as smart as i think i am - maybe, i’m just a person of
average intelligence who has a weirdly over-inflated ego in the smarts
department -
for Ω a second, i even thought, “why bother with the writing thing - i’m only
gonna fail at it anyway” -
but then i snapped out of it, and i slapped myself around a bit, and decided
that i’m writing for the sake of writing, and for the experience of doing the
NaNo and that’s the only reason i’m doing it.
anything that may (or may not) come of it is just gravy. it’s probably just
nerves anyway, since the damn thing starts tonight at midnight.
and i’m feeling overwhelmed w/ school and where am i gonna get the time to do
this and all that nonsense -
so, that’s that -
sometimes, i just have to take myself by the shoulders and shake as hard as i
can - .until my brain goes quiet -
another interesting thought that i had was this -
being a single lesbian with no children, i don’t have the “usual” milestones
that other straight women have - i mean, i did the getting married thing, but that
was just a mistake - .so i don’t count that.
but the typical milestone things - ya know, getting married, having kids and then
being a mom and going through all the life stages of your child -
that life seems so purposeful and important. and then there’s me - .living an
utterly frivolous life - not doing anything for anyone, just living, and not doing
it particularly well either.
what am i doing?? and how do i get a handle on having some sort of clear picture
or direction so that i don’t feel so useless and wasteful all the time????
seriously, it just feels like i’m killing time, waiting for something to happen
to me - but nothing is going to just happen. i have to create the happenings in my
life. i have to become something and someone and live purposefully - and at the
same time, i have no idea what i want. i have no earthly clue -
if vanna white came to me today and handed me the big prize package which
included the house of my dreams, the job of my dreams, and everything that i’ve
ever wanted - i honestly don’t know what any of that would look like! not one
shred of an ounce of a portion of an idea of what any of that is.
how is it that i could make it to the age of 38 years old and not know who i am??
not know what i like?? not know myself at all?? what was i doing with my time??
where was i when God handed out the personalities?????
i feel so inauthentic and unreal most of the time - .an actor on stage, constantly
playing different roles and never having to be myself.
i wonder if winona ryder* feels like that??? maybe that’s why she was
shoplifting - cause she didn’t feel real - she didn’t feel anything - ????
and see, i don’t shoplift (or drink or do drugs anymore) - i either eat, or buy
shit. so consequently, i’m fat and have a lot of crap. and i have such a deep
desire to shed myself of all my crap and all my fat, as if getting rid of it all,
i’ll be able to find my true self, hidden under all the garbage -
but even if i were to strip myself of the extra weight and extra things, i’d
still be the same me - with the same issues and the same disappointments and the
same lack of direction. i know this because the food and the shopping don’t fill
the emptiness - it’s still there - despite my best efforts to fill it. it’s just a
big empty hole with lots of crap piled up all around it. (that sounds like a
painting waiting to happen - .i should probably paint about it!)
and meanwhile, i’m passing time - waiting for something to happen - waiting for
direction to fall into my lap, waiting for the other shoe to drop and hoping
that it’s a nice comfortable shoe that i really like and want to wear - .
i seriously wonder what who i was in a past life - what i did to lead me to this
point. i’m telling you, when this life is over, i DO NOT want to come back! i
hope i have a say in the matter - i’m definitely not doing this again if i can
avoid it some how!
*or any other actor for that matter
November 02, 2005 051102_77.
to break down, or not to break down...that is
the question do you think it’s better to schedule a nervous breakdown - or just to
let it happen organically?
i’m not entirely sure if i think one way is any better than the other.
i guess if you schedule it, you can make sure you have all your favorite foods
in the house and a nice stockpile of all the necessary supplies.
however, if you let it happen naturally, you can be assured that it’s the real
deal - an actual breakdown and not a manufactured one.
frankly, i’ve never had a problem getting the food i needed, even deep within
the bowels of the worst nervous breakdown - so perhaps, letting it happen on it’s
own is the way to do it
conversely, however, wouldn’t it be nice to schedule the time off work, so you
wouldn’t stress about losing your job?
it’s not so much that i feel like i’m breaking down - it’s just that i feel
overwhelmed by all the things that i have to get done (which, in comparison to
many people, isn’t that much) -
i’m not good about having things be “due” - they hang over my head like an axe
suspended by a strand of hair. i like to get a task, do it, and be done with it - then
on to the next task.
so, i suppose that by doing the NaNo, in addition to school, is only adding
further stress that i wouldn’t normally have - but in a way, it’s ok stress.
i think i would just like to be able to go to school full time and write, and
not have to work. that would be ideal - but the government won’t give me enough
money in student loans to have that happen.
is there such a career?? one that lets you do whatever you want to do, and still
pays you enough to live on comfortably? if so, i want it.
i’m really feeling like i need to have a good cry. a good emotional release, i
guess, a breakdown of sorts -
this just came to me today, this feeling of needing to cry, hard and long. (yes,
this entry has taken me 3 days to write - although, it’s not so profound that it
needed 3 days - however, i started writing it on monday, and now it’s wednesday,
so there you go.)
i was standing at the window at work with my co-workers, and we were looking at
the weather because it looked like it was threatening to rain, hard - and i
realized that i really wanted a good storm. hard rain, thunder, lightening. and
someone asked me why, and i said, “cause i feel like i need a good hard cry, and
i can’t go there, so i want the weather to do it for me.” - and i said it without
really thinking about it, it just came out -
[hah!! an authentic feeling!!]
and then, after saying it, i could feel that tightness in my throat, and that
heaviness in my chest, and suddenly, the tears were right there, itching to come
out - and the heaviness in my chest turned into a clutching tension, like i was
trying to hold in niagara falls - .and i had to just walk away and stop thinking
about it, or i would have let loose and cried a million gallons right then and
there.
now, about an hour later, i don’t feel quite like i could cry at any moment, but
that feeling of needing a good hard cry is still there - and as i think about it,
it comes back to the surface full force - so i’m going to stop thinking about it.
k? good
so, on a totally different note, one of the womyn from the dyke march committee
has a friend whom i met at a party this summer. it was a 4th of july party,
potluck, bar-b-q thingy and we met briefly but didn’t really spend time talking
to each other.
then, the next week, i saw her in the parking near my office, going to the
movies, and i made a point of going up and saying hi - and then that was it -
never heard from her or saw her again.
so, on sunday last, at the dyke march meeting, my friend told me that this womyn
had asked about me again - .and wanted to connect with me, but didn’t want to be “set
up” with me, that it had to be more organic and happen naturally - which is quite
flattering - but i’m not sure if this was something she said recently, or if my
friend was just getting around to telling me about it from july - either way,
there might be a date in the offing -
another weird thing happened yesterday which i almost forgot about.
my boss called me into his office - shut the door - and then spent a long time
trying to figure out how to say what he was going to say. of course, i was sure
i was fired - but he knows me pretty well, and in the middle of him sitting there
trying to figure out how to express himself, he said, “don’t worry, this isn’t
that difficult to say, it’s not a bad thing, i just have a bad headache and i’m
trying to think about too many things at once”.
i lurve my boss!!!
so anyway, apparently, the person who is in charge of the marketing department
came to him and asked him if i would be interested in working for her - and so, he
was passing on the information. if i wanted to move in that direction, he wasn’t
going to stand in the way of an opportunity, but selfishly, he wanted me to stay
in sales.
i told him that i had no desire to work in marketing, and that, even more
importantly, i didn’t want to not be working for him - and that he was the primary
reason that i stay here at this job in the first place (which he already knew) - so,
thanks, but hell no (thanks).
he was pleased, and i was totally weirded out. i guess the marketing director
has seen what a good worker i am while working on the company user conference
and wanted to snatch me up - .
nice -
it felt good to be recognized as valuable -
i asked my boss if we could use that as a sort of bidding war for possession of
me, so i could get a raise -
he said no - but he still loves me.
so, that’s it - the end of this three day long entry that really wound up not
being that interesting after all -
thank you for reading, and good night.
November 03, 2005 051103_81.
to
sleep, perchance, to dream... i have this recurring dream where i am driving a
car along a freeway, and i get to an impossibly high and narrow bridge. i’ve
written about it before - the bridge goes hundreds of feet up into the air - and i
am driving at such a steep incline that i can’t see the road ahead of me and all
i can see is my dashboard and the sky - so i’m never sure of exactly when i’ll
drive off the road and plummet to the earth - which, oddly, never happens.
last night, i had a variation on the theme, so to speak -
i dreamt that i was driving along in a red car. i had passengers, one of them
was my dad, the others were co-workers or various people. all of a sudden, we
were driving in water which got progressively deeper until it was up to the top
of the tires, but somehow, didn’t come into the car.
there was a foul smell, the water we were driving in was sewage - and eventually,
we (and all the other cars on the road) had to stop driving and carry the car
along the freeway. at this point, the sewage became soapy water which was up to
our knees. every few feet, there were upside down buckets which were immersed in
the water and had dog food and dog bones under them.
we had to slog along in the soapy water until we came to an off-ramp, which led
to another on-ramp, but the road on the on-ramp was just wet, not flooded, so we
were able to get back into the car and drive.
it was very strange, but at the time of the dream, very familiar, and not at all
odd.
dreams are weird like that. when you’re having them, everything seems totally
rational and normal, even though it isn’t - and then, when you wake up, it’s all
so bizarre!
and i’m sure there is some deep meaning behind my dream - but i don’t know what it
is. although, i’m sure i could speculate.
i’m starting to worry about my commitment to doing the nano. i’ve only written
2111 words and i went back and read what i’ve written so far and it is utter and
total crap! i’m also starting to run out of ideas about my story - it seems i’m
just doing stream of consciousness writing from the perspective of my main
character, who is a 14 year old girl.
the other thing that i’m bothered by is that after reading it, and deciding that
it was crap, i also determined that it is turning into more of a YA* fiction
novel than a regular grown up novel - which is not what i intended. all my dreams
of being a great writer are going down the toilet at a remarkably rapid rate.
ok, stop the presses - i just read my horoscope (from this month’s InStyle
magazine) - .here’s what it said,
virgo
taking on a big project either at home or on the job? go for it, but don’t act
till after mid month. (unitl then, start formulating a plan to make your vision
a reality.) your social life has been a wild up-and-down ride, but with
interplay between Jupiter and Uranus, you’ll be feeling optimistic in no time.
be careful about what you blurt out on the 21st. and family-related news on the
28th may not be what you want to hear.
so, apparently, my novel isn’t meant to “take off” until mid month - so maybe i
shouldn’t be stressing - .of course, i can’t use that as an excuse to blow it off
till the 15th either -
ok, well, not to end abruptly here...but
November 09, 2005 051109_59.
happy
birthday kevin today is kevin's birthday.
he would be 33.
it seems so strange to me that i would have a brother who was 33 years old.
someone who would be heading into the great unknown of adulthood with me...watching
our parents get older...
but no, it's just me.
and it's hard to imagine that he would be 33 today. cause in my head, he's still
16. he was almost exactly 1 month away from turning 17 when he killed himself.
seems like a lifetime ago...
seems like someone else's lifetime ago.
i've been so swamped lately...i feel like i have so much hanging over my head
right now, when in reality, it isn't that much...
i have a 10 page paper to write - due on the 17th
i have 43500 words to write for my novel - due on the 30th
i have a 7 paragraph discussion question to answer for my online class - due
friday (the 11th)
and then i'll have another 10 page paper to write, but that's not due until 12/17...so
i have time...
and of course, ongoing discussion assignments for class.
basically, i have a lot of writing to do...and i feel like i have no time to do
it all. my parents are coming up here on saturday for the usc/cal game so i won't
be able to write on saturday or most of sunday...i'm thinking about calling in
sick on monday so i can write...but i'm not sure...i guess it depends on how
much i get done saturday morning before they get here, and sunday after they
leave. i'm pretty sure that i won't be getting too much done on sunday afternoon/evening,
cause i don't work well much past 2. i can get up really early and work really
strong until about 2 or 3, and then i'm pretty done....toasted....fini...
i just know that about myself...so, to be realistic, i probably won't get much
done on sunday.
maybe i can work something out w/ my boss where i stay home and write in the
morning on monday and tuesday and come into work around noon...then stay till 6
or so....i don't know...we'll see.
i'm actually almost done with school, surprisingly. i have the rest of this fall
term, and then spring, and then i'm done. i'll have a masters degree, and no
idea of what to do with it.
i seriously wish that someone would just dump a bunch of money on me...so i
could figure out what i want to do w/ my life, and not have to worry about
working in the mean time. or perhaps, i could write books, and all that money
would take care of my expenses until i finish my best seller....
(yes, i realize that, despite my crappy writing, i am still holding on to that
fantasy....regardless of the proof that it won't happen as evidenced by my less
than skillfully written partial novel)
howz that for a run-on sentence!
anyway, that's it for now.
happy birthday kevin, i hope you're having a nice day, wherever you are!
kmk
11/9/1972 - 9/27/1989
November 10, 2005 051110_88.
wahoo!
part deux my boss, the greatest boss ever, told me i could "work from home"
tomorrow...so i can get my papers written!!!
AND
i got the professor to extend the due date to the 20th!!!!
things are good! stressful, but good!
November 10, 2005 051110_91.
the day i was born You entered: 8/27/1967
Your date of conception was on or about 4 December 1966.
You were born on a Sunday
under the astrological sign Virgo.
Your Life path number is 4.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2439729.5.
The golden number for 1967 is 11.
The epact number for 1967 is 19.
The year 1967 was not a leap year.
As of 11/10/2005 5:10:13 PM EST
You are 38 years old.
You are 459 months old.
You are 1,993 weeks old.
You are 13,955 days old.
You are 334,937 hours old.
You are 20,096,230 minutes old.
You are 1,205,773,813 seconds old.
You are 5.46183953033268 dog years old. (You're still chasing cats!)
There are 290 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 39
candles
Those 39 candles produce 39 BTUs,
or 9,828 calories of heat (that's only 9.8280 food Calories!) .
You can boil 4.46 US ounces of water with that many candles.
In 1967 there were approximately 3.7 million births in the US.
In 1967 the US population was approximately 179,323,175 people, 50.6 persons per
square mile.
In 1967 in the US there were approximately 1,800,000 marriages (9.3%) and 479,000
divorces (2.5%)
In 1967 in the US there were approximately 1,712,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
Your birthstone is Peridot
The Mystical properties of Peridot
Peridot is used to help dreams become a reality.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come
from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Sardonyx, Diamond, Jade
Your birth tree is
Pine Tree, the Particularity
Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very
active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but
its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it
finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.
There are 45 days till Christmas 2005!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning gibbous.
check yours!!
November 14, 2005 051114_48.
the list grows longer! i feel like i'm drowning...
i feel like i have so much to do and i'm not getting any of it done, and it's
piling up all around me and i'm starting to drown in it.
i'm SO behind in my writing for the nano...i should have about 24000 words
written, and i have about 7000...i don't know if i'll be able to catch up...primarily
because i've sort of lost my story. i've run out of ideas about where to take it,
and now i'm bored with it, which means that my reader would be bored....
i'm not starting over, but i have to seriously get back into it, or it will be
december 1st and i will have failed!!
i got our professor to extend our due date for our ten page paper to the 20th,
which means, basically, that i'll be writing it this coming weekend...however, i
still have 7 discussion questions that i have to answer before friday, and i don't
know when i'm going to get that done.
i have two major responsibilities for the dyke march, which i haven't taken care
of...and one of them is money, and a bill that we owe, and the people we owe the
money to are starting to get really mad!!!
i was supposed to update elana's web page about 2 weeks ago...and still haven't
gotten to it, even though it'll take like 10 minutes.
and here i am, at work, writing in my diary...when i could be studying or
writing or doing the dyke march stuff, or working (God forbid)...
sometimes, i think i secretly want to drive myself over the edge...so i could go
have a nice restful stay at the loony bin...
or not...
November 15, 2005 051115_38.
God
save the queen...ok, that has nothing to do with anything *WARNING* - CRAPPY
WRITING AHEAD...I'VE BEEN WRITING DIALOG ALL MORNING AND HAVE NO BRAIN LEFT...
same story, different day. i've written about 6000 more words, which is good...just
about 20,000 to catch up to where i should be...piece of cake!
work is work, boring, nothing to report.
my parents were here last weekend for the cal game, (way to go SC!) and we went
to breakfast on sunday at a place on 4th street in berkely. we were walking
around, window shopping, waiting for our name to be called for breakfast, and my
mom saw this girl/womyn/person in peet's coffee...
the girl had short hair, and my mom said, "oh, she's a cute girl, she has cute
hair, look at her hair, you would look cute with that hair." and i said, yeah,
whatever.
so, we run into the same girl across the street at the crate and barrel outlet....we
were looking at these weird squishy mouse pads w/ water in them and little flat
sharks that float around in the water, and the girl comes up and says, "are
those sharks?" and i said, "yeah" and she launched into some whole thing
about her being a lawyer and her mom telling her that she needed to have a shark
motif in her life and how perfect was this mouse pad...and we smiled and laughed
and kibitzed for a sec, and then i walked away, and my mom walked away and the
girl followed my mom...
and my mom comes up to me afterwards and says, "you need to learn how to flirt"...and
i said, "first of all, i know how to flirt just fine thank you, and she would
have probably stood a better chance if you hadn't been the one to point her out
to me"
the other thing was that it was more like she was flirting with my mom than with
me...
and how creepy is that anyway, i mean, i don't want to be involved with womyn my
mother thinks are cute and "picks out" for me...ick!
so then my mom said, "wouldn't it be so in your face if you you wound up with a
lawyer" referring to "her" and how she's a lawyer and whatever, i didn't
really get what she was driving at, but still...creepy again...cause i certainly
don't want to be with someone cause it would be an "in your face" to my ex.....
whatever...
aside from that, we had a fun time. it was fun hanging out with them at the game,
even though it wasn't that good of a game....
i'm going to stop rambling now, cause i'm pretty sure that this is close to
being incoherent as it is.....
November
16, 2005 051116_61.
you only get one, and she only get's one and today is
the day today is my mom's birthday.
happy birthday mommy! i love you!
November 17, 2005 051117_50.
why
can't we all just get along? you know, in reading my spam this morning, i
realize...we are all not that different from each other.
i mean, these spammers, they try to send out emails that will look like real
emails so you'll open them and then be exposed to whatever it is they are
selling, or doing.
and since my email program groups all the suspected spam together, i usually
just look through the list to see if any "real" email got caught in the spam
filter.
and 99% of the time, i can tell it's spam right away, but occasionally, i'll
have to open it to check.
generic subjects like, "#1 weight loss drug", "do you want a fuckbuddy?", "better
than viagra", "as seen on 60 minutes", "one minute millionaire", "job
opening in your area", "test and keep this flat screen tv", "earn a degree
online", "soul mate search"...
you get the picture...i'm sure you've gotten one or two yourself.
but what struck me was the universality of it all...i mean, they (the spammers)
have to try to appeal to the widest audience possible in order to get any
results from their spamming campaign...
and even though i don't read most of them, and they just get dumped in the "trash"
immediately, sometimes, one or two give me pause...
"hmmm...is that a real one? should i open it??"
and if it's making me stop and think, then i'm sure it's making many other
people stop and think, which means i'm not as chronically unique as i feel most
of the time, and neither are you.
when i write in my diary about feeling isolated and alone and lonely and scared
and whatever, chances are that there are others who are feeling the exact same
way...(just not broadcasting it all over the net for everyone to read about).
we are all so much the same, and we are all so closed off to each other in the
world...when we are walking down the street, we don't stop and talk to strangers,
or ask them to join us at starbuck's or walk up and give them a hug...people
would think we were nutso!
but maybe we should. maybe we should reach out to each other and embrace our
commonality. maybe, if we could all see how much the same we are on the inside,
it wouldn't matter at all what we looked like on the outside, and we could stop
hating each other and being afraid of each other and having stupid senseless
wars and racial divide and jihad and all of the other things that are destroying
the world.
not to be so apocalyptic, but seriously...things are not getting any better
around here...and we can't just keep blaming bush, even though a lot of it is
his fault...
we have to stand up and take some responsibility for each other and for
ourselves and love each other despite our differences, but more for our sameness.
i dunno - maybe i just haven’t had enough coffee yet -
November 18, 2005 051118_39.
life
as a writer i'm writing, i'm actually writing!
ok, it's crap, all of it, but i've written 23,897 words so far.
last night, i went to one of the "write-in's" for an hour, to write with my
fellow nano's, just to see what that would be like. it was ok, just ok. i did
manage to write a bit there, but it was loud, and crowded, and there was live
music happening after i'd been there for about an hour, and so i left.
there were a few other nano's there,all womyn, interestingly. they seemed really
nice, although we didn't really get to chat.
it made me feel even more shitty about my writing, cause i saw them there, with
their laptops, writing away, and i imagined that they were writing these
incredible lines of prose, stunning fiction that would enrapture even the most
casual reader....for sure their novels would be published and they would have
wonderful careers in writing...and then i realized that their writing was
probably as crappy as mine, and for a first novel attempt, i was pretty awesome
and put a stop to all that negative self talk.
i did like writing in the cafe. i have to say, i love my mac, that thing has
battery life like nothin' you've ever see before! i loved being able to sit at a
table, in a cafe full of people, sipping an orangina on ice, and attempting to
be creative. it was so bohemian!
of course, coffee and cigarettes would have been far more bohemian, but it was
night, and i wanted to sleep when i got home...and i don't smoke.
other than that, same old same old. i thought i was getting evicted, cause my
landlord called and left a long rambling message about the dogs peeing on the
floor and how much it was going to cost to replace the wood floors and how he
just couldn't stand for that and something needed to be done...blah to the third
degree...
so i went and looked at this really cute place, with a huge yard, adn concrete
floors, and two bedrooms...it was really perfect!! but the womyn wanted $1550.00
a month, which is $370.00 more a month than i pay right now and i don't think i
could swing that. not comfortably at least. seh said she might come down on the
rent, if she finds the "right" person. so i went home and talked to my
landlord, and asked him flat out if he wanted me to move. he said, emphatically,
no, he did not want me to move, and that he loves me as a tenant and that he was
just ranting, and just to ignore him, that he believes me that i have the dogs
under control and they're not wrecking the floor anymore (which they're not).
i don't know if she's still going to offer me the place or not, and i guess it
depends on if/how much she comes down in rent. it's really perfect, for so many
reasons...but the thought of packing up and moving makes me want to tear my skin
off.
so i don't know what i'm going to do, all i know is that i don't HAVE to move,
which is a good thing.
all i have to do is make it through this weekend, and get my paper written (yes,
i still haven't started it yet) and then i'm home free...well, sort of.
i just feel like if i can get this paper out of the way, that i won't feel so
anxious...but you know that as soon as the paper is done, i'll find something
else to be anxious about.
such is life, i suppose...
November 20,
2005 051120_49.
scratch one thing off the list i got my paper finished, it's
a load of crap...but what do you expect when you do all your research, reading
and writing in one day. it only took me about 8 hours to do...but it's done, and
that's really all i care about.
i totally expected that feeling of something hanging over your head to dissipate
after i finished it, but it didn't...
maybe because i have another 10 page paper to write...maybe cause of the nano,
maybe cause i've got a mid term coming up....don't know.
i'm looking forward to thanksgiving weekend. my plan is to just kick back and
write, the whole time. it should be nice.
i'm not writing today, cause i'm going shopping with the knitter and her
roommate, and frankly, after the marathon paper writing session, i'm a little
burned out creatively. althought i'm starting to have dreams that include my
character and my story...i wonder what that means??
ok, must go play with the dogs...expo is whining at me to throw the ball.
November 20, 2005 051121_96.
you're
not safe, not even at home i was robbed.
no, not of some great title or reward, i was actually robbed.
i came home this evening, to find my kitchen screen slashed, and my backdoor
open. the kitchen stove light was on, and my laptop case and backpack were on
the floor.
i went into the bedroom, and my laptop was gone. (no, not my mac, i had that
with me, but if it weren't for the nano, they would've gotten that too...along
with my wallet and checkbook, and digital camera.) fortunately, i went to wright
this afternoon, so i had the mac and all my other stuff w/ me.
i figured out after about 30 minutes of being home that they also got my ipod.
they didn't take my computer, my stereo, the dvd player, my checks, money or
jewelry. it looks like they were in and out quickly.
and thank God that the cats and dogs were ok. the cats, by some miracle, were
hiding in the bedroom. they could have so easily gotten out the wide open back
door, or the kitchen window with the cut screen. and the dogs were safe and
inside when i got home.
i think that i may have interrupted the robbery in progress when i got home,
cause the dogs were barking like crazy.
i'm still waiting for the cops to come take a report and gather evidence...i
called almost 3 hours ago...aparently, a robbery that's already happened is not
a priority.
i can't make anything for dinner, cause the robbers were in the kitchen and i
can't touch anything in there till after the cops come (and go)...but it's 10:30
pm, so chances are, i'm not having dinner tonight.
i'm completely freaked out. the mop, which was in the kitchen sink, is in the
bedroom where the laptop was, so i'm thinking maybe they used it to keep the
dogs back??
i'm hoping that's all they took, and that i'm not discovering things missing as
the week goes on. i'm scared to even leave my house...what if they come back???
they know what i have...they know the dogs won't hurt them. they know how easy
it is to get in.
now i really want to move, but seriously, it's not like it's any safer anywhere
else...people rob no matter what neighborhood you live in.
i just wish the cops would get here already so i can clean up the mess and go to
bed.
November 27, 2005 051127_27.
wahoooooo!!!! wa-fucking-hooooo! i did it!!!
November 29, 2005 051129_76.
the
circle game what if life was cyclical...in the sense that when you died, you
didn't just go to heaven, or get reincarnated into someone new, or lay there in
the ground and decompose (whatever your world view)...but you started your own
life over again.
you were born, the same person to the same parents, but you would have taken
some of what you learned in the previous life with you, unknowingly of course,
so that you would do things differently and your life would be different in some
respects and similar in others.
and you wouldn't be able to start over if you died before your parents, cause
they wouldn't have started their lives yet, and you'd have no where to go...
so you'd have to be in limbo or something, waiting for your turn to start over.
and i guess, with free will and all, there would be no guarantee that you'd wind
up with the same dad or the same siblings...of course, your mother would always
be the same...
and perhaps you could find a portal into this other dimension, or other world of
you, and go back and tell yourself to stand up straight, cause it really does
matter, and to study hard, and be who you are and live to the fullest, because
in your current life, you didn't and now you are paying the consequences for it
all...and at least one approximation of yourself might not have to go through
the same bullshit...even though it would have no affect on your current
situation and you, as yourself currently, wouldn't really know that outcome of
your admonishments to yourself, because you wouldn't exist...
but then again, knowing yourself as you do, how would you respond to a visit
from a grown version of yourself, appearing and telling you what to do? you'd
probably say "fuck you, i'll do what i want" which is (and has been) your
style for lo these many years (and possibly lifetimes).
i haven't quite worked out the details yet...somehow or another, this scenario
is impossible on multiple levels...what if your mother, leading her "new
version" of her own life decided not to have kids...what if her mother decided
the same thing...and then you would never come into being, and your dead self
would just be hanging in limbo...cause there would only be one live you and one
dead you at a time...
and what would happen if you never got to come back at all...would you be stuck
in limbo for the rest of eternity? (limbo being a sort of way station and not
some horrible nothingness). i guess, if limbo had internet access...and comfy
furniture, and good food, and a play station or x box or whatever the latest and
greatest gameing system is...it wouldn't be so bad.
but i digress...(or do i?)
this whole thing'll get your head so wrapped around itself that you won't know
what end is up, which is precisely where i find myself now.
and on that note, i will take my leave and go suck down some more coffee, so
that perhaps i can make more sense of this, or just get so wrapped up in the day
to day shit that i forget all about it, whichever comes first.
November 30, 2005 051130_77.
seasons come and seasons go it seems to me, a
big unnerving, how bogged down by life i can get...and how quickly and
insideously it happens...
it seems like one day, i'm riding high, things are good...or at least ok...
and the next moment (or so it seems), i'm having trouble coping, i'm feeling
overwhelmed, i'm ready to throw in the towel.
or maybe the stress of school, and the nano, and the robbery is just catching up
to me.
i feel like i'm going under, a mere fingernails grasp from losing my grip and
falling off the edge into the abyss...
geez...i'm so freakin' dramatic, no?
i think i'm getting sick, actually...it's currently all in my head, but it doesn't
feel like just a cold...it feels like it's charging up to become something big...as
it moves down into my chest and confines me (presumably) to bed. it's just a
waiting game now, really. if i take to my bed too soon, then i could stave it
off for a little while, but my defenses are down, it would come back...
no, i have to wait until i'm full blown sick to stay in bed...i just hope it
waits until after this weekend, cause i have school this weekend, which is gonna
suck even harder if i'm sick!
so, that's my sordid tale...for now...i'll bet some of you probably wish i was
still too busy novel writing to attend to my diary...
;-)
December 01, 2005 051201_39.
seven things... borrowed from molly Seven things I have to do before I die: 1.
find my "calling"
2. be at peace with my body
3. buy a home
4. get published (i hope)
5. fall in love again
6. pay off my student loans (and other debts)
7. meet my soul mate
Seven things I cannot do:
1. pee standing up without peeing on myself
2. wear a size 2
3. speak french
4. drive a motorcycle
5. make it through the day without taking a nap, or at least wanting to
6. knit
7. ride in a car without falling asleep
Seven things that attract me to my wife-to-be:
1. intelligence
2. a sense of humor
3. independence
4. spontaneity
4. a free spirit
5. acceptance
6. trustworthiness
7. kindness
Seven things which I could not stand in a wife-to-be:
1. lying
2. poor hygiene
3. stinginess
4. quiet (too quiet)
5. ungratefulness
6. hubris
7. rudeness
Seven things I say most often:
1. no worries
2. okey dokey
3. ya know?
4. good day
5. friendly (things are friendly or that's not friendly)
6. maybe
7. i love you
Seven books (or series) I love:
1. anything by tom robbins
2. the left behind series (super cheesy, i know)
3. where the wild things are
4. the phantom tollbooth
5. a wrinkle in time
6. the complete hothead paisan
7. anything by shel silverstein
Seven movies I would watch over and over again:
1. princess bride
2. willy wonka (the old one, not the new one)
3. wizard of oz
4. pirates of the caribbean
5. the usual suspects
6. fight club
7. bad boys (an old movie w/ sean penn)
December 03, 2005 051203_4.
mi mi
mi mi.....la la la la..... ya know, i realized something the other day...while i
was downloading music from the musical rent on the computer...i was filled with
such a feeling of joy, listening to it, and i realized (yet again, because i've
had this realization before) that what i really loved, what i really wanted to
be when i grew up was on stage...
i don't know why i keep remember this and then forgetting it and then
remembering it again.
i also don't know why i haven't acted (no pun intended) on it...why haven't i
auditioned for some community theater? why haven't i applied to some theater
program??
i'm not sure...i'm not sure at all...i wonder if i could get a masters degree in
musical theater? (i love school)...
it's pondiferous...and i shall continue to ponder it until i figure it out. or,
until i forget it again and then remember it....whichever comes first
December 06, 2005 051206_82.
another what if... i have a job interview....on
wednesday...
it's for a teaching position at a middle school in the city. special ed class...
my friend works there, at that school, and told me about the vacancy a while ago
at dinner, and it's been festering in my little brain ever since.
i'm finished w/ my forensic psych program in a couple of months, and i could
start the teacher credential program at the end of spring, which is essentially
another masters degree...but hey, you can never have too many of those, right?
it's a part time program...so it wouldn't interfere w/ the job in the least...
i've been praying for guidance, to find my calling...
i've resisted teaching for so long....after my last stint as a special ed
teacher (i taught for 3 years) i think i'm finally over the burnout...and i'm
older now, and more experienced, and better equipt to handle it...(not to
mention sober)
but i'm a good teacher. the kids like me...i'm effective...i love kids (but not
in that way!)
we'll see.
if the principal of the school doesn't totally freak out about my appearance and
wants to hire me, then i'll take it as a direction and head that way.
December 07, 2005 051207_4.
cut the
fat it's funny, when you get a good bit of distance on something, the
perspective you get. makes me wish that i could live my own life from a 'higher
up view'...
i mean, if i had the ability to back away from myself and really take a look at
my behavior, there are a lot of things i wouldn't do.
maybe that would lead to a cautious and boring life...not sure.
i was thinking the other day about michigan, and my experience with "spade"
and how i acted, or reacted, and it all seems so funny now. caught up in the
magic of michigan, falling head over heels for someone that i don't even know...being
willing to move across the country to start a life together (especially crazy,
since she wasn't exactly hip to the idea)...hoping against hope that there would
be a chance for "us"...
silly....
stupid...
ridiculous...
she has her own life (with her own girlfriend) and when i think back on how i
acted, not only am i embarassed for myself, but i feel pretty stupid about the
whole thing.
i wish i could not relive things like that...go over it again and again in my
head, rethinking what i should have said and done...i wish i could just let it
go. but for whatever reason, i can't.
i went to dinner with the knitter and her roommate last night. we had pizza. it
was nice. i was exceedingly nervous to be leaving my house at night. i had fears
of the robbers coming back, and breaking in, and then leaving all the doors and
windows opened so that the dogs and cats could all leave. i was more than
relieved to come home to find the doors locked like i left them, and all the
babies warm and safe inside.
i honestly don't know what i'd do...i can't even put it out in the universe...
ok, forget that thought...forget it completely
other than that, things are pretty normal...i have a busy week ahead of me...i
get to see one of my wonderful (and cherished) friends from michigan who is here
on business, and that same evening, ellis is playing at the dolores park cafe. i
don't know if i'll stay for the show, but i'm hoping to at least get to see my
friend (and her new wife) and give them both big hugs.
then on saturday, there is a dyke march thing...and sunday, i have a final to
finish, and some other school work...then, next wednesday, my interview, and
thursday is the company holiday xmas party...and friday is the company gift
exchange...and before i know it, it'll be january!
yikes!
now, if i can just fight off the ever mounting ennui and stay on task, i should
be fine.
what i really want is to be able to take a break from life....from all the
things that i am responsible for...i'd like to take that time to streamline, get
organized, throw away or give away all the excess stuff, consolidate...ya know?
but unfortunately, i have to work for a living, and take care of the animals etc..
so, if there is someone out there who wants to support me for maybe about 1
month (it shouldn't take more than that)...please let me know. i would be most
grateful!
December 08, 2005 051208_83.
ode to coffee coffee..delicious coffee....water of life...
here, for you, is a coffee haiku:
coffee sustains me
warms on chilly winter's day
brings light to my being
isn't it quite amazing, that a bean, grown in tropical areas...perfect, small,
green...completely innocuous...becomes coffee...??
i say, spend some time today enjoying and thinking about coffee...it will be a
good thing, yes?
remember how good it is...think about it, drink lots of it...and then drink some
more.
December 09, 2005 051209_18.
let it
snow, let it snow, let it snow! as i was driving to work today, listening to the
radio, and noticing the distinct lack of anything slightly resembling weather...i
occurred to me that i wasn't quite sure if "winter" truly existed at all.
i'm hearing about snow storms in chicago, planes sliding off runways, snow
blanketing massachusetts, heaving snow storms expected throughout the northwest...
and i'm driving in 50 degree weather, with my window open, not even wearing a
coat.
the streets are bone dry, the sun is coming up, it looks like it's going to be
another beautiful day...
wtf!
i mean, don't get me wrong, i love california, it's beautiful, it's warm, it's a
nice place to be...but what i wouldn't give for a real winter once in a while.
something that would necessitate bundling up before exiting the house. a day
where boots were a must (and not Ugg boots...but real boots). a time where
having soup for lunch would really be a welcome thing, to take the chill off...
but no, that's just not the way it is here...
i guess i should just be grateful to live in a beautiful place. i'm sure that
there are plenty of people who would give their left eye to not have to deal
with the snow and sleet and black ice and all that goes with it.
i did live in colorado for 3 years, i do know what real winter is like...and i
know that it's not all glamour all the time...but still...gimme one solid week
of rain, or at least three solid days...give me something...(preferably
something survivable)...
December 12, 2005 051212_33.
if it's
not one thing, it's your mother...
i'm having mom trouble again. every time i call her up, she says, "i can't talk
to you right now"...so i've stopped calling. and now she's calling me. i'm
realy tempted to pick up the phone and say, "i can't talk to you right now"
and then hang up...but she wouldn't get it, and then she'd be mad, and it's just
not worth it.
and besides, i don't really want to talk to her anyway, so i just let the
machine get it. is that horrible??
i totally screen my calls...i'll be the first to admit that, but usually, if i'm
home, i'll pick up if i hear a friendly voice on the machine. nine times out of
ten, however, it's a telemarketer or one of those computer messages...which is
why i screen in the first place.
but i digress.
so, since we have decided to cancel christmas (yet again)this year, i won't have
a chance to see my mom face to face and we won't have a chance to hug and make
nice...which means that i'm going to have all this tension around talking to her
on the phone...
ick.
and...i'm feeling really nervous about wednesday. that's when i have my
interview for the teaching position.
i'm not sure why i'm so nervous...i mean, they might not even like me...
and if they do, i get to decide whether or not i'll take the job...it's not like
i have no job right now and am desperate.
i think i'm mostly nervous about making the right decision, should there be a
decision that needs to be made.
i haven't really told anyone, well, check that...i've told lots of my friends,
but i haven't said anything to anyone here at work, which has been really hard,
but i can't....i can't say anything until i've made up my mind.
and really, there are no other decisions to make...like whether or not to move
into the city, and what to do about finding a place to live that will accept me
and 5 animals...all that is secondary, although, i'm worried about it as if it
were primary.
the only things i need to "worry" about right now are getting my finals done,
and this interview...and that's it.
i need to keep telling myself that. a mantra of sorts...
everything's gonna be alright.
December 13, 2005 051213_56.
when
it rains, it pours...a variation on the theme i did something last night that i
don't think i've ever done before in my life! i'll have to ask my mom, but i'm
pretty sure i never did it.
(your dyin' to know aren't ya!)
i couldn't believe it when it happened! i was stunned...confused...not sure it
was real...
(i'm getting there, hold on)
it took me about 15 minutes to actually figure it out...and when i did, i felt a
cross between being mortified, and being completely amused.
what'd i do????
i wet the bed!
for serious!! i remember waking up around midnight or so and my bladder was
really full, but i didn't want to get out of my warm cozy bed, so i didn't...and
then, around 3:45 or so, all of a sudden, i felt myself pee! i was laying on my
stomach...and i was dreaming that i was actually using a bathroom...and i felt
myself release my bladder for a split second, and then i woke up.
did i really just pee?
no, no way, i wouldn't pee in my bed!
no, wait a minute, i think you did pee...
no chance, i would never let that...wait, my sweats are wet...holy shit!! i peed!
i got up, went into the bathroom, finished my buisiness on an actual toilet (as
opposed to a dream toilet) and sat there stunned for a moment, contemplating my
sweat pants...
did you really just do that??
yeah, i think i did!
OH MY GOD!!! I'M GONNA TELL EVERYONE!!!
NO YOU ARE NOT!!!
yes i am, yes i am...ha ha ha ha ha
shit, it's way to "middle of the night" for this...i'm going back to bed.
i don't remember doing this, but i must have gotten a towel and put it on the
bed, and then got back into the bed and went to sleep.
then i remember laying there and trying to figure out if it really all just
happened or if i dreamt it.
i woke up this morning and found my wet sweats in the bathtub...so i guess i
didn't dream it. i stripped my bed before i went to work...i'll put on fresh
bedding when i get home.
i can't believe i did that!
i can't believe i'm writing about it for all the world to read!!!
let this be a lesson to you, one and all....when you wake up and you feel nature's
call....get your ass out of bed and answer it...or you'll wet the bed! it's not
pretty people...not pretty at all.
December 14, 2005 051214_75.
bumble
bumble i'm feeling very nervous about my interview today...i haven't even
shopped for my interview outfit yet (i plan to do it at lunch today, and let's
all pray that i find something acceptable that isn't too expensive!)
so, in leiu of writing something profound and meaningful...i'll post this:
Your Career Type: Artistic
You are expressive, original, and independent.
Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts,
music, or art.
You would make an excellent:
Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor
Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer
Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer
Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor
The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or
secretary.
What's Your Ideal Career?
December 15, 2005 051215_9.
and so
it goes... so, i went for my interview yesterday. it went well...basically, the
job is mine if i want it...
however (you knew that was coming, dincha!)
however, if i did take the job, i'd be taking a 25% pay cut, not to mention that
i'd have to move to the city, where rent is more expensive, (or pay
approximately $3000.00 in bridge tolls a year)
i'm not really sure what to do...it's not like i have a burning desire to be a
teacher, i was just kinda going wherever the wind was pushing me...but it looks
like the wind ain't pushing me nowhere...
unless, of course, the district can come up with something fancy and offer me
more money...it could happen...depending on how desperate they are to fill that
position...
we'll just have to wait and see...
meanwhile, back at the ranch...same shit, different day...
December 16, 2005 051216_62.
tis
the season to be jolly....fa la la la la, la la la la... we're having our
holiday party at work today...and it's not until 12:30...and it's 11:40 right
now, and i'm starving (not literally)...and so i'm eating cookies...which is
making me feel like crap...and then i won't have any room for chinese food or
bar-b-que, which is what's waiting for us.
we have the same thing every year, i'm not sure how the tradition started, but
it's damn good food...
i got my final for my psych of criminal behavior class...it's 4 essay questions
and it's due sunday morning at 6 am...which is a weird time for a test to be due...
so, i'll be test taking all day tomorrow. and then there's a christmas thing at
the knitter's house, a gift exchange, and that should be fun.
i haven't heard back from the principal at the school...i don't know if he got
my email or not, or what his response is...i guess it's just gonna be one of
those things. ya know?
anyway, i'm jonesing for august to get here. i wonder if it's wrong, to live for
3 weeks a year...and i wonder how it is that i can manage to cram a years worth
of experience into those 3 weeks, but somehow, i always do.
December 19, 2005 051219_40.
the
weekend, a recap so, this weekend was nice...despite the fact that i had to take
a final on saturday.
i came into work to take it, cause it's quiet here and i could concentrate. i
actually think i did pretty well on the test, i felt good about it. and
afterwards i was filled with this incredible lightness....i don't have anything
due...not one thing! it's an amazing feeling! one i get to hold on to until
classes start again january 9th. not too much time, but still, i'm going to
enjoy the hell outta it!
and then, on saturday night, i went over to the knitter's house and we had thai
food and opened presents! it was fun. supposedly, there is this girl there, at
her school, who thinks i'm cute...and she wound up coming over toward the end of
the evening...she's very cute, and very smart...but she probably doesn't think i'm
cute anymore, after spending some time with me...it won't go anywhere...
and on sunday, i decided to go bum around san francisco for awhile...so i donned
my ipod, and my hat and jacket, and headed for the city. it ws raining...pouring
actually, and i got drenched...but i did manage to run into karel at the ATM on
market street. it was pouring, we were both getting cash, i recognized him and
say, "are you karel?" and he said, "yes i am." i told him that i dig his
show...and wished him a safe trip home...he said he was here for the KGO
christmas party...which was interesting and very political...
he's really a great talk show host. very insightful...very smart man! and fun to
listen to. of course, i feel a special affinity towards him because he's "family"
and he struggles with being lonely sometimes...and so do i...
his long time partner, andrew, died a few years ago...it was very sad.
anyway, i don't mean to babble on and on about karel...it was just fun running
into a celebrity.
i spent about 2 hours in the city, mostly window shopping and people watching.
it was fun. i bought myself a small timbuk 2 messenger bag. i didn't need it at
all...but i wanted it, and w/ the money my mom and dad gave me for un-christmas,
i could afford it, so i bought it. all in all, it was a pleasant weekend.
tonight i have a dyke march meeting...and tomorrow night i'm going to the movies
w/ the knitter's roommate. we're going to see rent...which i've been wanting to
see.
it's all good...i have to try to hold on to that...
December 19, 2005 051219_93.
and
then... my GAWD how quickly my mood shifts...
i just wrote my last entry not more than an hour ago...everything is fine and
dandy, blah blah blah...
and i'm sitting here...a short while later, and i'm thinking..."wow, i feel
depressed"
wtf!
i think it's because, while reflecting on what a good time i had this weekend, i
felt good...but while sitting here being so bored that i could gouge my own eyes
out...i'm incredibly down.
i really need to find a career in which i can be wholly invested. i mean, i know
that there are always going to be boring days. but i'm more than just bored
cause i have nothing to do, i'm bored through and through...nothing about what i'm
doing is even remotely exciting or fulfilling. woe is me...
it's amazing to me how quickly i can shift from feeling a-ok to feeling like i
want to die (well, not really like i want to die...that's an entirely different
feeling altogether...more like i want to crawl back into my bed and hide...yeah,
that's it). i mean, shit, not an hour ago, i was fine and dandy. and now, i'm
sad. maybe it's diet related? i did eat a scone...maybe i'm horribly alergic to
scones...they cause me to be depressed???
yeah, probably not.
anyway, suffice it to say that i must be horribly unstable, if my mood can shift
so quickly with utterly no provocation.
perhaps i should get a t-shirt that warns people of my rapidly changing affect...
"beware, moody"
or
"beware, mood changes without warning"
or something of that nature. that'd sure be a way to win friends and influence
people...i think i'll stick to my own scrungy and uninformative wardrobe, thanks.
speaking of which, i need to completely clean out my entire house...get rid of
everything that doesn't fit, or isn't being used, or hasn't been seen in 6
months...if anyone wants to come over and help, let me know...and if anyone
wants first crack at my "stuff"...let me know that too!
December 20, 2005 051220_8.
latke fest and a fast building last night was
our dyke march meeting...it was good. we had latkes, brisket, and yummy homemade
applesauce...
i really love that group of womyn!
i wish, however, that i wouldn't have been in such a self deprecating mood,
cause it seemed like every time i opened my mouth, i said something about how
unwanted i was, or how ugly i was, or how disposable i was...and for the life of
me, i couldn't manage to stop myself...so after awhile, i just shut my mouth...
i felt like a moron...i hate it when i do that. and it was like someone else was
inside me, controlling what i said...it was kind of a weird "out of body"
experience...sort of. i was definitely disassociating...but i have no idea what
for. something made me uncomfortable. but what?
the meeting was at mo's house, in the city. she lives w/ her partner in bernal.
they have the cutest house! they have a really old dog w/ only one eye, and the
one eye isn't so good anymore. as much as i wanted to shnoogle the dog, i couldn't
make myself...it made me sad....which could have been the reason i was so wacked
out...not sure.
at any rate, it was a nice evening. i got home late, about 10:15, and needed
some chocolate before going to bed (cause i'm about to bleed)...sorry if that's
TMI...but it is what it is. i had this dream that i was with a bunch of the
members of the DM committee and we were in this tall office building, which was
my office in the dream, but bears no resemblance to the actual office i work in.
anyway, in the dream, amanda/jen (it was amanda, then it turned into jen, then
back to amanda, and then back to jen) said, "we're about to have an earthquake,
hold on". and then the whole office started shaking...and i said, "that's
amazing, how did you know?" and she said, "i just remember what they taught us"
or something like that...and then it stopped...and then there was another one,
and it knocked the building over on its side...and all of a sudden, we were in
this building, which was laying on its side, and was careening down a hill, like
on a winding road, and remarkably, it was steering quite nicely. and then it
turned into this sort of flat building, and we were on the outside of it, on top
of the side...it was shaped kind of like an ipod nano...flat like that, and
people were opening windows and coming out and sort of stepping off of it as it
was moving down the road. and we were all trying to figure out how we were going
to get off this moving building, and then we saw people just stepping off of it,
so we did the same...and then my alarm went off.
and i got up...and decided that i was going to call in sick today, cause i didn't
want to get up...so i let the dogs out, and then reset my alarm for 7 (so i
could call in sick) and got back in bed...and then i got up 15 minutes later and
got in the shower and went to work (where i am now)...but i decided that i was
going to be ¸ber comfortable and so i'm wearing cut off overalls and a t-shirt.
and while i was driving to work, i was trying to think of all kinds of ways that
i could get out of going to the movies tonight w/ the knitter's german roommate...but
i'll probably just bite the bullet and go, cause i said i would...and it'll wind
up being fun anyway.
so that's that...and i'm sitting here, at my office, in my overalls, about to
drink my coffee...feeling kinda ungapatchkied.
that's my story, i'm sticking to it...
December 21, 2005 051221_50.
go see it!! it's great!!! i went to see RENT
last night with the knitter's german roommate. it was SOOOOOOOOO good! we had a
fun time. we walked around and shopped a little bit after the movie. she got a
few things at old navy, and then we went to the barnes and nobel and we both got
the soundtrack to the movie...she also got "stone butch blues" for her
girlfriend in germany. it was good. seeing that show made me want to get back
into performing so much! i really will have to strongly consider this whole
community theater thing...i wonder if there are any shows auditioning in the
near future... i'll have to check that out.
this morning, on my way out of peets (with my americano and my scone) i found
this plastic anime keychain of some little girl anime character. it says:
rumiko takahashi/2000,2005
shogakukan, yomiuri TV, SUNRISE
on the back of it...it's a little girl with a big pony tail and a gishmantic
boomerang, wearing what looks like a black outfit with weird red and pink
blotches on it...strange....
i'm taking it as an omen for something. i'm not sure what yet, but it definitely
means something...
my horoscope from today's sf chronicle says, "i'ts been a while since you
pursued matters of the heart and you're feeling rusty. no problem. somebody near
wants to help you brush up."
hmph...good enough for me!
December 22,
2005 051222_46.
getting through.... i hate this time of year.
i hate it, and i love it.
i hate it because, invariably, i get the blues. call them the holiday blues,
seasonal affective disorder, the christmas blahs, winter bummer, whatever you
call it...i get it.
i think it's a combination of things. the first being that i'm far away from my
family, and i feel really alone at this time of year. the second being that i
tend to isolate anyway, so those feelings just intensify during this time of
year, cause i'm already alone and hiding, and it just makes it so glaringly
obvious with everyone being merry and coming together and such.
another thing that "gets" me is the spending. i mean, i love to spend. i get
in a spendy mood when i'm bored, when i'm depressed, when i'm happy, when i'm
lonely, when i'm not lonely, when i'm hungry, when i'm full...give me a reason
to purchase, and i'll do it!
that being said...i know this about myself and have curtailed much of my
spending and tried to keep it to a minimum. i don't have any credit cards (that
aren't directly connected to my checking account) and if i don't have the money,
i can't spend it...
this time of year, it's all about commerce. everything is over advertised,
people are walking around with packages and talking about what they bought for
so and so...and what they picked up for themselves while they were buying
presents for so and so...
and i don't have any money right now...so no spending for me. which makes me sad
and kind of anxious. and not a little bit resentful...to be perfectly honest.
and since i'm not celebrating christmas (or hannukah), that means no presents to
open on christmas morning...which makes me feel kind of left out and futhers my
lonliness.
now, i know that all of this is pretty much self created, and that if i really
wanted to, i could get in the car with the dogs and do the 8 hour drive to my
parent's house...where i would have family, and company, and presents...
but then i'd have to drive 8 hours home, with the dogs, and it all seems like
too much trouble...so i'm not doing it.
so it's not really fair for me to have a pity party, when there is much that i
could do to prevent feeling blue at this time of year, but since i'm kinda down
in the dumps anyway, it's just easier to feel sadder than to work a little bit
harder to feel happy.
which, frankly, is pathetic, now that i've written it all out and thought about
it.
but, it is what it is...so....
and i love it...
cause i love the weather, the rain, the snow, the cold. i love having a reason
to give gifts, even though i tend to give gifts all the time without any reason,
which sometimes makes people look at you funny. i love all the good food and fun
stuff like parties and holiday cheer.
and at the same time, i hate it cause it's the "eating season" and i can't
seem to stop and i'm getting F-A-T and i don't like it.
it's a love-hate thing...as you can see.
and, i requested tomorrow and next friday off...so i could have 2 four day
weekends...cause it's dead around here and i'm so bored at work. i'd rather be
bored at home, ya know? besides, i am going to try to use that time to de-clutter
and get rid of a bunch of stuff. i bought the super stretchy strong plastic
garbage bags so that i can fill them up with stuff for the good will. i'm hoping
to get it all done by saturday, so i can spend sunday and monday just hanging
out. maybe i'll take myself to the movies or something.
so, happy thursday, happy day after solstice, happy almost christmas and happy
almost hannukah. happy soon to be kwanza and happy (very belated) eid.
December 25, 2005 051225_75.
pink
hair for christmas merry christmas. i'm sitting here at home, dying my hair...listening
to the tv. i watched all the shows about the "true life of jesus" and "the
real saint nicholas"...and now i'm dying my hair, well, actually, bleaching my
hair so i can dye it a sort of bright cherry cola color...but it'll probably
wind up just being pink. i managed to get bleach all over a shirt that i rather
liked...cause i wasn't thinking when i started bleaching, so i have yet another
ruined shirt for the good will. i'm getting together all of my old clothes and
stuff for the mission tomorrow and taking them over to the city to drop them off.
i'm going to try to get rid of as much stuff as possible...really clean house.
we'll see.
anyway, hope everyone's having a nice christmas. i'm envious while reading about
other people with their friends and families gathered around them...but envy is
not a good way to feel on christmas, so i'm trying to just have acceptance for
myself and my situation and my life...ya know?
December 25, 2005 051225_8.
the fruits of my boredom behold...pink hair
3:16 pm December 26, 2005 051226_50.
yet again... before
redder
December 27, 2005 051227_87.
i'm a
pig here at work...happy tuesday. everyone's talking about what they did on
christmas...what they got for christmas etc...
that, and making comments about my hair.
there is virtually nothing to do here today...it's going to be a long boring one.
actually, it's going to be a long, boring week...at least until friday, which i
have off.
i don't remember if i mentioned it or not, but my work gave us all $50.00 amazon.com
gift certificates for our holiday bonus. i got buffy season six on dvd with mine.
it came today...so i know what i'll be doing with my new years eve!
other than that, nothing new or exciting to report. it's supposed to storm hard
these next few days, which i am entirely looking forward to. i hope it rains so
hard that the roads get closed! i love the rain!
although, in all seriousness...i hope it doesn't rain too much that the river
floods, cause that would suck. i just hope it rains good and hard here, in my
city...and that no one is inconvenienced or harmed by the hard rains....
yeah..uh...anyway, i saw memories of a geisha on christmas...it was a good movie,
very beautiful...but curious...
a movie about a japanese girl who grows up to be a famous geisha, based on a
book written by an american man, starring a chinese actress.
but, oddly enough, i'd see it again...it was very visually stimulating, gorgeous
actually...and not just the geisha, but the whole picture. it'll probably win
some awards.
i've seen more movies in the last 2 weeks than i have all year. i still want to
see harry potter, and i want to see rent again. can't get the songs out of my
head. can't stop thinking about the story and the characters. in fact, i was
listening to law and order on tv this past weekend, and i couldn't listen to
jessie martin without wanting him to break into song. he's got an amazing voice!
i liked him so much when he was on ally mcbeal...he was so beautiful...such a
wonderful face...and then i saw him in rent, and now i'm just enamored with him...did
you know he's only 36?
ok, enough slack jawed drooling...you get the picture i'm sure. and speaking of
slack jawed drooling...the actress..the one who starred in memories of a geisha,
Ziyi Zhang....she is drop dead gorgeous! OMG! ok, i'm a pig, it's true, the only
reason i'd see that movie again is to stare at her some more...but hey, at least
i'm an honest pig, no?
seriously though, it is a beautiful film...my lust for it's star not
withstanding.
ok, i'd better get to work and stop babbling...i'm bound to get myself into
trouble in one way or another.
magenta hairedly yours,
chnacat
December 28, 2005 051228_45.
harrumph! i was reading my diary this morning....not my online one, but the one
i kept when i was 17 or 18...my senior year of high school...
the first thing i was struck with was how unlike my handwriting it was. i mean,
i used to write so neat and nice and legible...what happened??? now i don't
write in that girly script but more of a scrawl that even i find it difficult to
read. it's almost as if writing manually is too tedious and i just can't be
bothered...i'd rather type. and if i can't type, i'll punish anyone who is
reading what i've written by writting completely illegibly.
the other thing that struck me was how far away i am from that girl. that
somewhat shallow, dramatic, boy crazy (or at least trying to be...trying a
little too hard if you ask me) little girl. my most major concerns were who won
the basketball game and dorm drama...and i was completely suicidally depressed,
but what did i have to be so upset about? i mean, shit, i had it pretty good....considering...i
hadn't lost my brother to suicide, i wasn't completely out of control with my
eating, i had a roof over my head and i didn't have to pay rent, i didn't have
to work for a living, no one cared what i was wearing or how i looked...my
biggest concerns were getting passing grades and boys. (and secretly, girls).
makes me wonder if i'm going to look back on my life twenty years from now and
think the same thing, "geez, what did i have to be upset about, life was
peaches and cream back then...look at me now!"
kinda scary.
of course, that is the pessimist in me...thinking that things are only going to
get worse...
i could try a new take on things and think that life is only getting better, i'm
improving with age, blah blah blah...
but let's be perfectly honest, i'm a pessimist at heart...and i've been kicked
when i'm down too many times to think otherwise. you open yourself up to the
possibilities of goodness, and you get completely shit on and disappointed in
the end. someone, or something will eventually break your heart.
"so", you say, "that's no way to live...you should always have room in your
life for hope...otherwise, what's the point?"
yes, true, but sometimes, it takes a herculean effort to allow for that hope to
blossom...and knowing that it'll get squashed at some point, no matter what you
do to protect it, doesn't help matters.
frankly, i want off the roller coaster. i want smooth sailing...status quo....no
drama...no more of this way way up and then way way down shit. and no, i'm not
bi-polar...but sometimes, my life feels like it is.
wow, have i gotten off on a tangent, or what? ok, so suffice it to say, i'm
grumpy today...but if i can't express it here, dear diary, then where can i
express it?? certainly not out loud...people frown on that in this day and age.
no one wants to know what you are really thinking and feeling inside...it
disrupts their world veiw. makes them uncomfortable, squirmy, forces them to
face their own ennui. no, better to keep it to myself...
well, myself, and of course, you...
December 29, 2005 051229_74.
-
nothing to see here...move along
December 29, 2005 051229_1.
stuff you never wanted to know borrowed/stolen
from veasy's page
FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE
1. gift wrapper at “Al’s Garage” a yuppie/preppy clothing store in Fashion (fascist)
Island
2. nanny
3. camp counselor at the YMCA
4. special education teacher
FOUR THINGS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP:
1. an actress/singer
2. an architect
3. my dad
4. on broadway
FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AND OVER
1. the princess bride
2. moulin rouge
3. rent
4. willy wonka and the chocolate factory (the original)
FOUR PLACES YOU'VE LIVED
1. newport beach, california
2. colorado springs, colorado
3. berkeley, california
4. los angeles, california
FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH
1. the simpsons
2. malcom in the middle
3. csi
4. law & order (svu or ci or the original - but not the new one)
FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION
1. israel
2. egypt
3. michigan
4. utah
FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY
1. chnacat.diaryland.com
2. several live journals
3. wellsfargo.com
4. salesforce.com (for work)
FOUR OF YOUR FAVOURITE FOODS/DRINKS
1. sushi
2. diet pepsi (but i haven’t had one in an age)
3. coffee
4. ice cream (most varieties - but not the one’s w/ fruit in them)
FOUR PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
1. with my mom and dad
2. with my friends
3. michigan (womyns music festival)
4. nowhere, i like it at home and i love where i live (the city, not exactly the
apartment)
December 31, 2005 051231_87.
bad
dog! well, it's new year's eve...well, new year's eve day to be exact. i'm
sitting here at home, one cat on the desk in front of me (watching me type), one
dog tucked nicely into my shirt and sleeping with his little head on my arm, one
dog staring at me woefully to play ball with her, and two cats in the kitchen
somewhere.
i'm planning on venturing into the city at some point, hopefully to have coffee
with a friend from fest who is visiting w/ her girl from boston.
it rained HARD all night and my kitchen is a little bit flooded, but nothing i
can't handle. the water comes in from a window by the back counter where the
cats eat...i put a towel there last night to soak up any incoming water, and it
was pretty wet this morning...so i replaced it w/ a dry towel. it's not raining
now, but the wind is howling.
java chewed up my crocs...so now, the pair that i wear every day, the one's with
no holes in the top of them, now have bite marks all over them...there is a
perfect little outline of his upper teeth. it would be kinda cute if it weren't
so annoying. looks like i'll still be able to wear them, and hey, no one else
has crocs like mine...
January 01, 2006 060101_45.
in the
beginning, there was gun fire and so it begins.
happy new year one and all. i wound up crawling into my nice warm bed last night
around 9:00, did puzzles for a while, talked to my mom for a bit when she called
(they are skiing in colorado, i think)and then drifted off to sleep...only to be
woken up at 11:58 (by what i don't know). i turned on the tv, watched the ball
drop, listened to ryan seacrest and noticed how old dick clark souned and then
it started.
the shooting.
first a couple of fire crackers...no biggie...java and expo were snuggled up
next to me. java was shaking...loud noises scare him.
then, the gunfire. lots of it, and close. sounded like they were shooting semi-automatic's
out in front of my house...i heard a hand gun rapidly fired a couple of blocks
away. someone must've had a shot gun, cause i heard that too...it went on for
about 45 minutes. i just hugged the dogs and stayed in my bed. i had visions of
getting up and having a stray bullet come into my house and hit me in the head.
not my idea of a promising start to the new year...so i just stayed in my
bedroom, which is in the back of my apartment...and held on to my dogs.
after it stopped, i finally fell back asleep. i thought about going out this
morning and looking for shell casings, i imagine they must be everywhere...but
it's really too cold, so i won't.
my biggest immediate goal for the new year is to find a new (safe) place to live.
someplace animal and people friendly. i think that's a good goal, no?
January 02, 2006 060102_86.
aha! i got it!!! no, wait...i don't got it.... i
had one of those epiphinal moments this morning. while i was waking up...half
way between sleep and consciousness...
it was a moment when everything in life made sense, i knew what i was here for
and i understood my purpose in the universe. and for a flash second, i felt
completely at peace...i understood that i still had work to do, but i could seem
my path clearly ahead of me.
and then, coming into wakefulness...the thought left me.
which is, of course, how it should be...i mean, nothing else in my life has been
handed to me on a platter of any kind....let alone the meaning of life just
popping into my head one morning at the beginning of a new year.
i'm pretty sure that it wasn't a dream either, cause i was awake, but not all
the way awake, and i had this perfect thought, this perfect moment...and then it
was gone.
i catch little glimpses of whatever it was, just the very sliver of the thought,
but i can't quite grasp on to the edge to bring it closer to me. something about
being ok being alone and being in my skin...and something about doing something
fulfilling (although i don't remember what it was)...and something about the
world being exactly how it's supposed to be and me being exactly in my place.
i guess it's all good...i guess...
and maybe it'll come back to me...when i can stop thinking about it...perhaps it
will drift back into my awareness.
January 03, 2006 060103_43.
the
Almighty God...or not
disclaimer - .
this is an entry which may be considered controversial by some people - it
contains thoughts on God (from a Judeo-Christian perspective, and mostly
Christian at that). it is not meant to piss you off or to start an argument with
you - it is just what i was thinking about this morning - please do not read too
much into it.
thank you
second disclaimer - .
i am not so conceited as to think that my writing is important in any way, or
that anyone gives a rat’s ass about what i think - i’m just trying to play it safe
here and cover all my bases.
thank you again
so, this morning, in the thinking place i was pondering the existence of God -
i was thinking about how, according to the Bible, God destroyed the Earth by
flood because the people on the Earth were wicked - except for Noah and his clan
and a handful of animals - right?
but is it really possible that EVERYONE was wicked? and what about the animals
that weren’t chosen - surely, they weren’t wicked - .but Noah was only s’posed to
take 2 of each, so what about the 3rd cat or frog who showed up a little bit
after the first two - shit out of luck, right?
and yet, God is supposed to be a loving God, not a vengeful God - so i don’t get
the “destroying the whole earth” thing -
and - .God is all knowing, right? so in essence, God already knows what’s going to
happen. God knew that man was going to take a turn down the wrong path - .cause
God is all knowing -
God knew that Lilith was going to be too much for Adam to handle - and that Eve
would be more of a push-over even before they existed - so why make Lilith in the
first place?? or even better, why not dispose of Adam altogether and just have
Lilith and Eve - but i guess that’s another tangent.
What i’m trying to get at here is that God already knew, before creating the
world, what was going to happen. God knew that people would develop technology - and
that we’d fuck up the planet and kill each other and be cruel and intolerant - even
though he sent Jesus to tell us to be chill with each other - God knew - .
God knew that we wouldn’t listen -
God knew that we’d elect W (twice) -
God knew that things would be going to hell in a hand-basket -
and all this talk (toward the end of the year) about Armageddon and the end of
days - it’s all hooey - cause there isn’t a “timeline” of things that have to happen
leading up to the rapture - there isn’t going to be a rapture - this is it peeps - it
is what it is -
but what of free will?
well, yeah, we have free will - but God already knew what we were going to do - cause
God knows everything, right??
so that takes me back to the whole vengeful god/loving god thing. if God was
really a loving God, as professed by so many, then why did God let us wind up
here? Couldn’t God have saved us from so much sadness and horror?
or does God even exist at all? What if God and religion (which are two separate
things i think) were just “created” by people to keep other people in check? to
exert power over them - to be in control.
what if there is no “meaning of life” beyond just being nice to each other and
making the best of things. what if there isn’t anything after we die but
existence in a spiritual plane or worse, worms and maggots chowing down on our
dead bodies. what if there is no point to any of this?
if that is indeed the case, why am i trying so hard? and does having thoughts
like this make me a nihilist? or just a person with nihilistic thoughts?
i know that this comes on the heels of me having a great epiphany (that i can’t
quite remember) about how good things are and how life is all going to work out
the way it’s supposed to - so maybe i’m bi-polar rapid cycling - or maybe not - i can’t
really help what thoughts pop into my head in the thinking place - it is a
profound thing that i have no control over.
but what if -
January 04, 2006 060104_88.
blah
blah blah... just breathe...
i have to keep telling myself that
i will find a new place to live
i will find career fulfillment
i will make peace with my body
i just have to keep breathing.
there's this womyn at my office who just lost one of her close friends...he was
44, he had a heart attack...she's pretty devastated...
and i was talking to another co-worker about death and how it's part of life,
and when that kind of thing happens, it makes you grateful to be alive and well
and living in the city...
but
i'm not feeling so grateful about that...ya know?
i know that's just the depression talking...but life seems really hard sometimes.
ya know? i know that you do.
and i haven't even been through anything horrific lately (thank God), i think
about my friends in NOLA, and the families of those miners, and the people in
iraq...but sometimes, just my plain ole' life is so overwhelming. seems silly...selfish...
the funny thing is, i'm good in a crisis...i'm on my game...taking care of
business...and taking care of others, right on. but when it comes to taking care
of myself, i suk.
January 05, 2006
060105_53.
to sleep, perchance, to dream i had such a weird dream this
morning. i only remember bits and pieces of it...
i was driving in a jeep or some kind of little, but rugged car that looked like
a jeep. my friend from jr. high and high school, andrea was there, my dad was in
the back seat. we were driving along a road that was very narrow and bordered by
a stream that we could not drive in (for some reason). the road was made of
alternating substances...logs, 3 ring binders piled up on each other randomly,
empty bottles of liquid laundry detergent (not squashed flat mind you), pebbles,
sand...we were trying to get somewhere that we knew, home presumably, but
something had happened and the landscape and roads were all different and we
didn't know where we were.
then, suddenly, we weren't driving anymore, but walking and i had a little black
and white dog on a leash who was walking on top of this hedge, which then turned
into water...
i had a thought about picking up the dog, but then realized that the dog was
doing fine...then i looked down and the dog was under the water, and i pulled up
on the leash and the dog was gone, but in his place was an orange squirrel, and
we realized that the dog had been dog-napped, by magic, and turned into a
stuffed animal and we had to find him...
so then, andrea became my mom, and we were looking in all of these different
rooms in cabinets and display cases for the dog...and i thought i found him, but
it turned out to be a finger puppet that looked just like him, but was really a
bug of some kind, so i put it back. and we kept looking and looking and somehow,
we got separated and suddenly, i was accompanied by bryan (one of my students
from when i taught special ed) and we were looking together but i knew that
bryan had ulterior motives and that he was really working for the wicked queen...and
was trying to lure me into capture.
and then i went into this room, and there was this big table, or grouping of
tables that made a big square, and there were table cloths and the tables were
set for some kind of banquet. and the evil queen was there, and she was going to
force us all to say something about whatever holiday we were there celebrating (i
don't remember)...
and then, my parents came in and interrupted the queen, and they had a big dog
bed and laid it on the table, and i got so excited that they had found my dog,
but instead, my dad pulled this large grey furry worm thing from his coat and
said, "i got my loving daughter this baby raccoon to replace her dog which the
evil queen turned into a toy" and i wasn't very happy about it, cause i wanted
my dog back...and then....
my alarm went off...and i woke up shushing it loudly (for real)
took me a couple of minutes to figure out that it wasn't going to just be quiet
on it's own...no matter how much i shushed it...so i got up and turned it off.
i've been doing that a lot lately...when my alarm goes off, waking up and saying
something, either in response to some dream i was having, or to the alarm itself.
the other day, i woke up saying (out loud) that i was going to miss hearing ?? (some
female singer, i can't remember who, but i named her upon waking)
seriously weird shit...
in other news...two of my friends have already received letters from the
michigan office asking them to be AC's (assistant coordinators)for their crew...which
made me feel a little nervous, cause i haven't received such a letter...but then
i realized, they are both on the same crew, so probably not everyone from every
crew is getting their letters yet and i should just be patient.
i don't know if they are going to ask me back to AC again this year, i hope they
do....but then again, i hope i just get asked to be on a crew...any crew....but
then again, i would be really disapointed if i didn't get to AC again...but then
again....blah blah blah.
oh well, i'll just have to wait and see....right?
January 09, 2006 060109_37.
a mish mash of things for your reading pleasure
sorry i haven't updated in a couple of days...nothing really to report.
i managed to finally clean my house on sunday. the floors are shiny gorgeous but
that won't last for very long.
on saturday, i spent the day with the knitter and it was absolutely delightful,
except for the part where she tripped and fell and scraped her knee...that wasn't
too delightful...but the rest of it was delightful. did i mention how delightful
it was??
the knitter is a wonderful and amazing friend! i am so glad and lucky that she
lives near me now. i always have such a fun time with her...and we can talk
about anything! and she's a worker at fest so i can talk about festival without
having to explain it...it's a good thing!
now, if only my best friend would move here...now that would be perfect...although,
it's not likely to be happening any time soon.
i wish i was independently wealthy....like i had a secret vault filled with an
unending supply of money, and i could buy a house, and move my best friend here
with me and we wouldn't have to worry about money...and i could pay for stuff
for all my friends and family so no one would have to worry about anything and
they could just do whatever made them the happiest. that would be swell!
ok, it's not a realistic dream...but who says it has to be.
and it's not that i want to be rich, per se, it's just that i don't like having
to work for a living at some mindless and pointless job...and i don't like
having debt. so all the money i needed would take care of those two sticky
little problems quite nicely.
warning...potentially TMI ahead, proceed with caution
and on a completely unrelated note...i had to get up to pee last night 3 times!
i'm slighly paranoid about not getting up and going...cause of this...and ya
know, when you're dreaming of going to the bathroom, or looking for a bathroom,
or having to go to the bathroom...well, i just don't trust myself anymore...so i
make myself wake up and get out of bed and go...and i don't know what was wrong
with me last night, but i had to go 3 times! and it was cold last night...not
pleasant at all. it could be that i'm feeling excessively nervous due to the
fact that my mom is having surgery today...
she's having her eye's "done"....aparently, when she went to the eye doctor,
they suggested that she have her lid's "fixed" cause they were so droopy and
they couldn't beleive that my mom could even see out of her eyes the way they
were.
i don't think that was exactly what they said...my mom's been wanting a face
lift for as long as i can remember and my dad said that if she got one, he'd
leave her...and i said the same thing...cause my mom is beautiful and doesn't
need plastic surgery...but i digress...
so, any encouragement from a doctor to get surgery, she jumped at the
opportunity!
her lids were droopy...but not horrible..i mean, she could still see...but this
is going to make her exceedingly happy...so whatever..
my dad's worried that she's going to look like a balloon with a drawn on face...
i'm a little worried she's going to look like joan rivers or jessica lange
but all i can do is wait and pray...pray that she has a good surgeon, pray that
she doesn't go overboard...pray that this doesn't lead to more surgery...
only time will tell....
and, just for grins...here's a picture someone in my office just sent me of me
working very hard at our user conference...
January 10, 2006 060110_19.
cut the
fat (yet again) i'm a horribly neglectful person and a not very good friend.
this is what i decided today in the thinking place.
i realized, as i was washing my bod and admiring my pierced parts, that i have
not spoken to or seen the filmmmaker since august! AUGUST!!! that's 4 months!
i mean, i know that she's been busy discovering her long lost family...and i
know that she got really involved in going to all the medical marijuana clubs in
the city...and i realize that i'm a lazy communicator...and now 4 months have
gone by and i don't even know if she's still alive!!!
i suk!
besides that...nothing new or exciting to report...had dinner w/ the knitter
last night...we had a really good conversation about lots of things...art,
intelligence, self concept, all kinds of things. it was pleasant.
there's this sales guy in the office. he usually works from his home, which is
in illinois...but he's here for a couple of days. he's lost a lot of weight, he
looks great. he did it by doing this program called isagenix which looks like an
herbalife or optifast or any of those other diets where you fast one day and
then use shakes as meal replacements for breakfast and dinner...
it's enticing...
cause it would be easy...if i could get myself in the right mind set