time.
Friday, November 14, 2008
things are coming to a head. i told my store manager today that i was incredibly depressed and may have to be hospitalized. i intimated that i was suicidal without coming out and saying it. i took a huge risk in doing so, because i could totally lose my job. i haven’t been at apple for a year yet, so i am not covered by FMLA protection. if i do take the time off, it would have to be on short term disability and my job is not protected. the store manager suggested that i take vacation time and told me to take tomorrow off so that i can figure out what i want/need to do. i don’t want to go to the hospital. so sandra said that it would be ok to just take the time off and stay home and beef up our therapy schedule. that way, i won’t have to worry about the animals, i won’t have to be without my computer, i can still write and i can sleep in my own bed. she said that would be fine, but if i deteriorated, she’d have to have me hospitalized.
i just feel like i need a rest. the incongruity of who i have to be at work and who i really am is catching up to me. or rather, has caught up with me and is steamrolling over me. i just can’t do it anymore. i can’t put on the apple face and be at work. today, i was at work for only 3 and a half hours, and i got nothing done. i couldn't concentrate. i couldn’t understand what i was doing, nothing was making sense, i couldn’t stop crying.
they wound up sending me home...
there’s this internal website at work that we have to check every day. it’s how information is disseminated through the company. the “front page” of that site has new information. every once in awhile, they have a picture of a person who recently died. in memorium. they show their picture and there is a little blurb about how apple is sorry to report the sudden unexpected death of whoever happened to die. usually, it’s someone young. and every time i see that, i think two things. 1) did they kill themselves? and 2) will they put my picture up there? there is this woman at work, katherine, i trust her. she gets me. i asked her if she would make sure that they put my picture up when i die. she said that she was worried about me and that she wanted me to look into short term disability. she also suggested two people that might be able to stay at my house with the dogs and cats if i have to go to the hospital. i work with some great people.
everything feels very surreal right now. being sent home today...talking to katherine, talking to the other two girls, telling them that i might be going to the hospital, talking to the store manager. i don’t really know what is going to happen, it’s starting to feel very out of my control and i don’t like that one bit.
i have to call my store manager on sunday and let him know what i’m going to do. i still don’t know what i’m going to do. i can’t imagine that there is a future, it just doesn’t feel like i’m going to survive this.
|