no more words.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
i feel like i don’t have any more words. this frightens me for more than several reasons. i feel that now, when i write, it’s the same trite things that i’ve been writing for the past two years. sandra wants me to tell her things. she wants me to tell her deep and intimate things about how i feel inside, and not only do i not feel safe telling her, i don’t even think i have the words to express them anymore. i don’t know if it is that i am so trapped inside myself that i can’t even access my own feelings anymore, or that i just don’t have any other feelings than the wish to die and the shame that accompanies this level of depression. cause really, the only thing i am capable of feeling anymore is shame.
and sandra wants me to look at her. she wants me to see compassion in her eyes, she wants me to see that she is not ashamed of me, but what she doesn’t understand is that the shame comes from deep within me and it is reflected in everything i see. looking into her eyes is not going to show me anything but the shame i feel about myself reflected in her eyes and i don’t want to see that in her. what she doesn’t know is that i can’t even look at myself. i don’t look in the mirror. i can’t look anyone in the eye. it’s just too hard. it’s just too embarrassing.
v tells me i’m a truth teller, but i don’t feel like i’m capable of telling any truths lately. other than the truth that i am a complete fuck up and a waste of time, energy and space. but everyone knows that, so there is nothing brave or new in me putting that information out there.
i honestly don’t know what to do with myself. i don’t know if i should quit therapy and die, or if i should keep going to see sandra and keep trying to hold on, even though it is possibly the most difficult thing i’ve ever tried to do. i don’t know if i should start giving my things away and making arrangements for the animals. i don’t know if i should check myself into a hospital (which i cannot afford to do). i don’t know if i should just keep existing from day to day, slowly losing more and more of myself to the darkness until there is nothing left of me or whatever me there was.
and sandra wants me to look at her. she wants me to see compassion in her eyes, she wants me to see that she is not ashamed of me, but what she doesn’t understand is that the shame comes from deep within me and it is reflected in everything i see. looking into her eyes is not going to show me anything but the shame i feel about myself reflected in her eyes and i don’t want to see that in her. what she doesn’t know is that i can’t even look at myself. i don’t look in the mirror. i can’t look anyone in the eye. it’s just too hard. it’s just too embarrassing.
v tells me i’m a truth teller, but i don’t feel like i’m capable of telling any truths lately. other than the truth that i am a complete fuck up and a waste of time, energy and space. but everyone knows that, so there is nothing brave or new in me putting that information out there.
i honestly don’t know what to do with myself. i don’t know if i should quit therapy and die, or if i should keep going to see sandra and keep trying to hold on, even though it is possibly the most difficult thing i’ve ever tried to do. i don’t know if i should start giving my things away and making arrangements for the animals. i don’t know if i should check myself into a hospital (which i cannot afford to do). i don’t know if i should just keep existing from day to day, slowly losing more and more of myself to the darkness until there is nothing left of me or whatever me there was.
|
confused.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
i am confused.
i don’t know if i should keep doing therapy. it’s not working. i leave feeling frustrated most of the time. but i feel inexplicably pulled toward sandra. i so badly want to be able to feel her caring. i want to be close to her and at the same time, i want to run away from her and all that she represents.
she is my lifeline, and i want to cut that lifeline...so why can’t i?
i don’t understand any of what is happening to me. all i know is that i am sinking deeper into the darkness and i don’t know if i can, or even want to get out of it.
i feel sick to my stomach and sick in my head and sick all over.
and, as i’ve said a million times before...i want to die.
i so desperately want to die.
i don’t know if i should keep doing therapy. it’s not working. i leave feeling frustrated most of the time. but i feel inexplicably pulled toward sandra. i so badly want to be able to feel her caring. i want to be close to her and at the same time, i want to run away from her and all that she represents.
she is my lifeline, and i want to cut that lifeline...so why can’t i?
i don’t understand any of what is happening to me. all i know is that i am sinking deeper into the darkness and i don’t know if i can, or even want to get out of it.
i feel sick to my stomach and sick in my head and sick all over.
and, as i’ve said a million times before...i want to die.
i so desperately want to die.
ick.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
alone.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
i feel really small and alone. i don’t know what else to say. i don’t think i can do this. i don’t think i can function in the world. work is just getting harder and harder. being in the world is just getting harder and harder. i don’t know what to do. my head hurts, i feel dizzy and confused and i don’t know what else to say.
q and a.
Friday, October 24, 2008
i got an anonymous comment today. it said,
“Would you prefer friends visiting or emailing or calling or writing or anything or would you prefer everyone to just cut all ties? I'm sincerely curious.”
annon | 10.24.08 - 1:54 pm | #
that’s a hard question to answer. sometimes, i would prefer to be left alone, as it is almost too much for me to “come out” to meet people half way, and it’s not fair to ask them to come to me, since i am so far away and unreachable.
other times, i just wish for people to not forget about me. they don’t have to contact me, just don’t forget about me.
but never, at any time do i wish for anyone to cut all ties. in the event that i actually survive this, i would hope to be able to mend some of the friendships that i have damaged, if that is at all possible.
most of the time, i miss people. i miss my friends. i feel so alone all of the time, and i know that i am not fit company, so i stay away from people and hide in my bed, but i do miss my friends quite a lot. i know that not everyone can deal with depression and not everyone wants to. most of the time, people don’t know what to say or do, so they stay away as well. i freely admit that i am not fun to be around, so i completely understand why people stay away. i’m not sure that people understand why i push them away or why i isolate so much. i’m not pushing them away because i don’t want them in my life or because i want them to go. i am pushing them away as a defense mechanism. it’s not really as complicated as i’m making it sound, but i’m not exactly sure how to explain it.
i don’t actually know what i would do if people just showed up at my house. most of the time, i am so shame filled, i don’t know if i would be able to let them in. and talking on the phone is difficult most of the time. i think i would like it if people wrote. v wrote me from festival in august and it was the most meaningful and loving thing. i read her letter and i cried and cried and cried. i actually collapsed on the floor and sobbed. i felt loved. i felt cared for. and even though, intellectually, i know that there are people who love and care for me, most of the time, i can’t feel it.
i think a lot of things are best explained in a letter that i wrote to sandra:
i find myself operating on such a primal level sometimes. it's all fight or flight. today, all i could feel was this big gaping hole inside of myself and i just had to leave. it felt like the room was closing in on me and there was no air and i just had to get out. there was no time to sit and process about it. i didn't even realize what was going on, i just needed to leave, so i did.
most of the time, i don't feel anything at all. when i do feel, i feel intense sadness, or intense shame. emotions that i would rather not feel if given the choice, so i try to turn them off, either by eating or sleeping, or just ignoring them.
you ask me to come see you twice a week and turn those emotions on again, and it's just not so easily done. it's nearly impossible to do when i don't physically fit in the space i'm given.
i cannot tell you how many times it feels like i am physically trapped inside myself. i would give anything to be able to let the wall down and tell you everything and let you hold me and let you help me. but i don't know how to do that. and it's getting harder and harder to come at all. the depression is smothering me. it is getting worse and it is smothering me. and i'm just waiting for it to finish the job, because i am too weak or to scared to do it myself.
i don't know what to do. all i know is that i cannot open myself up anymore. and you ask me to try to do that every week and all i am doing is disappointing you and frustrating both of us, which is why i think it would be best if i just stopped coming.
i am not pushing you away. i desperately want to grab on to you and not ever let go, but i don't think that is doing either of us any good.
“Would you prefer friends visiting or emailing or calling or writing or anything or would you prefer everyone to just cut all ties? I'm sincerely curious.”
annon | 10.24.08 - 1:54 pm | #
that’s a hard question to answer. sometimes, i would prefer to be left alone, as it is almost too much for me to “come out” to meet people half way, and it’s not fair to ask them to come to me, since i am so far away and unreachable.
other times, i just wish for people to not forget about me. they don’t have to contact me, just don’t forget about me.
but never, at any time do i wish for anyone to cut all ties. in the event that i actually survive this, i would hope to be able to mend some of the friendships that i have damaged, if that is at all possible.
most of the time, i miss people. i miss my friends. i feel so alone all of the time, and i know that i am not fit company, so i stay away from people and hide in my bed, but i do miss my friends quite a lot. i know that not everyone can deal with depression and not everyone wants to. most of the time, people don’t know what to say or do, so they stay away as well. i freely admit that i am not fun to be around, so i completely understand why people stay away. i’m not sure that people understand why i push them away or why i isolate so much. i’m not pushing them away because i don’t want them in my life or because i want them to go. i am pushing them away as a defense mechanism. it’s not really as complicated as i’m making it sound, but i’m not exactly sure how to explain it.
i don’t actually know what i would do if people just showed up at my house. most of the time, i am so shame filled, i don’t know if i would be able to let them in. and talking on the phone is difficult most of the time. i think i would like it if people wrote. v wrote me from festival in august and it was the most meaningful and loving thing. i read her letter and i cried and cried and cried. i actually collapsed on the floor and sobbed. i felt loved. i felt cared for. and even though, intellectually, i know that there are people who love and care for me, most of the time, i can’t feel it.
i think a lot of things are best explained in a letter that i wrote to sandra:
i find myself operating on such a primal level sometimes. it's all fight or flight. today, all i could feel was this big gaping hole inside of myself and i just had to leave. it felt like the room was closing in on me and there was no air and i just had to get out. there was no time to sit and process about it. i didn't even realize what was going on, i just needed to leave, so i did.
most of the time, i don't feel anything at all. when i do feel, i feel intense sadness, or intense shame. emotions that i would rather not feel if given the choice, so i try to turn them off, either by eating or sleeping, or just ignoring them.
you ask me to come see you twice a week and turn those emotions on again, and it's just not so easily done. it's nearly impossible to do when i don't physically fit in the space i'm given.
i cannot tell you how many times it feels like i am physically trapped inside myself. i would give anything to be able to let the wall down and tell you everything and let you hold me and let you help me. but i don't know how to do that. and it's getting harder and harder to come at all. the depression is smothering me. it is getting worse and it is smothering me. and i'm just waiting for it to finish the job, because i am too weak or to scared to do it myself.
i don't know what to do. all i know is that i cannot open myself up anymore. and you ask me to try to do that every week and all i am doing is disappointing you and frustrating both of us, which is why i think it would be best if i just stopped coming.
i am not pushing you away. i desperately want to grab on to you and not ever let go, but i don't think that is doing either of us any good.
pain.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
everything hurts. mostly, my wrists hurt. it’s like phantom pain, like from old cutting. i remember when i was 16, in high school. i tried to cut my wrists, but the cuts were shallow and did not bleed very much. ever since then, i’ve had weird phantom pain in my wrists. it usually happens when i’m feeling the most desperate.
sandra asked me today if i needed to go to the hospital. i told her no. i can’t afford it. and i’m not going through that whole humiliation with going to the emergency room again. i don’t want to go to the hospital. i wish i could do some kind of out patient thing. but i know what kaiser has to offer in that arena and it’s for shit, so i guess i don’t really wish that...
i don’t know what i wish.
i guess i wish i wasn’t so afraid of dying, because ultimately, i’m afraid of it. if i wasn’t so afraid, it would be a done deal.
my head hurts. my wrists hurt.
i’m supposed to go see dar williams tomorrow night with two co-workers. i don’t want to go. i’m supposed to see sandra tomorrow too. i don’t want to do that either.
i don’t really have much to say. i mean, i guess i have a lot to say, but at this point, i’m not willing to say it. bad stuff happened when jen was here. suffice it to say, she will probably never speak to me again. i suppose i deserve it, but it still hurts. that’s all i’m going to say though.
i have successfully pushed everyone who gives a shit about me far away. i can’t fucking do anything right anymore. i just want to die. i just want to vanish.
sandra asked me today if i needed to go to the hospital. i told her no. i can’t afford it. and i’m not going through that whole humiliation with going to the emergency room again. i don’t want to go to the hospital. i wish i could do some kind of out patient thing. but i know what kaiser has to offer in that arena and it’s for shit, so i guess i don’t really wish that...
i don’t know what i wish.
i guess i wish i wasn’t so afraid of dying, because ultimately, i’m afraid of it. if i wasn’t so afraid, it would be a done deal.
my head hurts. my wrists hurt.
i’m supposed to go see dar williams tomorrow night with two co-workers. i don’t want to go. i’m supposed to see sandra tomorrow too. i don’t want to do that either.
i don’t really have much to say. i mean, i guess i have a lot to say, but at this point, i’m not willing to say it. bad stuff happened when jen was here. suffice it to say, she will probably never speak to me again. i suppose i deserve it, but it still hurts. that’s all i’m going to say though.
i have successfully pushed everyone who gives a shit about me far away. i can’t fucking do anything right anymore. i just want to die. i just want to vanish.
depression 101.
Monday, October 20, 2008
this is what depression is like:
- intense shame
- feeling lethargic all the time
- the inability to look people in the eye
- the inability to express myself verbally
- having to force everything
- sleeping too much but never feeling rested
- not being able to decide
- not being able to enjoy
- body aches
- feeling like you are bringing everyone down
- being scared no one likes you
- losing long term friendships
- isolation
- having to put on an act just to go to work, which is exhausting
- eating out of control
- listlessness
- racing thoughts
- muddled thinking
- hating yourself all the time
- being sure that others hate you too
- ruining relationships
- feeling separate from the world
- not being able to function
- discomfort - both physical and mental
- confusion
- stubbornness
- feeling like a small child
- needing my mommy, but not getting my needs met
- inability to function
- losing yourself
- losing others
- feeling afraid
- uncertainty
- thinking about death and dying all the time, not being able to turn it off, but not being able to kill myself
- the inability to express my feelings
- feeling stunted
- wanting to die
- feeling like you can’t move
- disinterest
- anger, sometimes rage
- frustration with self and others
- endlessness
- crying all the time
- inability to control emotions
- not caring anymore
- being futureless
- regrets
- reliving painful memories over and over again
- feeling overwhelmed
- feeling like you are slowly burning to death but can do nothing to stop it
- suffocation
- fear
...
- intense shame
- feeling lethargic all the time
- the inability to look people in the eye
- the inability to express myself verbally
- having to force everything
- sleeping too much but never feeling rested
- not being able to decide
- not being able to enjoy
- body aches
- feeling like you are bringing everyone down
- being scared no one likes you
- losing long term friendships
- isolation
- having to put on an act just to go to work, which is exhausting
- eating out of control
- listlessness
- racing thoughts
- muddled thinking
- hating yourself all the time
- being sure that others hate you too
- ruining relationships
- feeling separate from the world
- not being able to function
- discomfort - both physical and mental
- confusion
- stubbornness
- feeling like a small child
- needing my mommy, but not getting my needs met
- inability to function
- losing yourself
- losing others
- feeling afraid
- uncertainty
- thinking about death and dying all the time, not being able to turn it off, but not being able to kill myself
- the inability to express my feelings
- feeling stunted
- wanting to die
- feeling like you can’t move
- disinterest
- anger, sometimes rage
- frustration with self and others
- endlessness
- crying all the time
- inability to control emotions
- not caring anymore
- being futureless
- regrets
- reliving painful memories over and over again
- feeling overwhelmed
- feeling like you are slowly burning to death but can do nothing to stop it
- suffocation
- fear
...
bridges.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
jen is here w/ her daughter and her boss. she came for the marathon, the one i ran last year. i can’t believe that last year, only a year ago, i did a half marathon. i was 40 pounds lighter. i can’t believe it’s been a year since then.
anyway, jen is here, and her daughter, who i adore, wanted to go to the golden gate bridge today. now, i will tell you that i try to avoid the gg bridge at any and all costs. i don’t trust myself on the most bridges in general, but on that one in particular. it’s high enough not to have to worry about surviving the fall.
i couldn’t look over the edge. i had to fight with myself not to climb up on the railing. if jen’s daughter hadn’t been there, i don’t know if i would have been able to stop myself. being there shook me to my core. and of course, i could not let on to jen that i was bothered. i made a couple of comments, but she either wasn’t paying attention, didn’t hear me, or is just tired of the whole thing. there’s a phone on the bridge, about 1/4 of the way across. it’s a direct call to crisis counseling. i SO badly wanted to pick up that phone. but there were so many people around. jen, her boss, her daughter, about a million tourists. i couldn’t stop shaking inside. i couldn’t look over the edge. this is why i don’t go to the bridge. i have fought with myself not to go there up till now. i will have to keep fighting with myself not to go back.
after the bridge, we went to fisherman’s wharf, which, despite being annoyingly crowded, was a good distraction from the bridge. there were too many people. too many people in the whole city. all the people here for the marathon. all the tourists, doing tourist things. i hate doing tourist things, but that is what jen and her daughter want to do.
i mentioned that her boss came too. they are friends and i guess she wanted to come cheer jen on for the race...i’m not entirely clear on why she came. on one hand, it bothers me...i mean, she gets to see her every day, she gets to see me once a year. on the other hand, it’s fine.
i had sort of envisioned jen running her race, and her daughter and i driving from cheering spot to cheering spot and then meeting up with jen at the finish, but jen got wristbands for her daughter and her boss so that they could ride the team in training shuttles to each of the cheering spots.
no wristband for me, so i’d have to try to drive the route and try to catch up with them, which is going to be nearly impossible, so i’m just going to wait until the race is over, and go into the city for dinner with them. kind of makes me wish i hadn’t taken the day off tomorrow. i could easily have worked during the day and just gone to the city for dinner after work.
whatever, it is what it is...
i guess i wished that she would have wanted to come over to my house, see where i live, and i could have shown her all around berkeley and oakland and showed her where i work and stuff...but i guess, if you live in oklahoma and you get to come to san francisco, then you want to do the touristy stuff, even though you did the touristy stuff the year before.
it doesn’t really matter. i don’t really have it in me to be social anyway. and this way, i can be peripherally social without having to commit. i just drive people around and let them do whatever they want. just show up and fade into the woodwork. it’s what i’m used to. it’s what i’m good at.
so now, here i am, in my house, in my bed, trying not to think about the bridge and the disappointments and trying to stop shaking inside.
anyway, jen is here, and her daughter, who i adore, wanted to go to the golden gate bridge today. now, i will tell you that i try to avoid the gg bridge at any and all costs. i don’t trust myself on the most bridges in general, but on that one in particular. it’s high enough not to have to worry about surviving the fall.
i couldn’t look over the edge. i had to fight with myself not to climb up on the railing. if jen’s daughter hadn’t been there, i don’t know if i would have been able to stop myself. being there shook me to my core. and of course, i could not let on to jen that i was bothered. i made a couple of comments, but she either wasn’t paying attention, didn’t hear me, or is just tired of the whole thing. there’s a phone on the bridge, about 1/4 of the way across. it’s a direct call to crisis counseling. i SO badly wanted to pick up that phone. but there were so many people around. jen, her boss, her daughter, about a million tourists. i couldn’t stop shaking inside. i couldn’t look over the edge. this is why i don’t go to the bridge. i have fought with myself not to go there up till now. i will have to keep fighting with myself not to go back.
after the bridge, we went to fisherman’s wharf, which, despite being annoyingly crowded, was a good distraction from the bridge. there were too many people. too many people in the whole city. all the people here for the marathon. all the tourists, doing tourist things. i hate doing tourist things, but that is what jen and her daughter want to do.
i mentioned that her boss came too. they are friends and i guess she wanted to come cheer jen on for the race...i’m not entirely clear on why she came. on one hand, it bothers me...i mean, she gets to see her every day, she gets to see me once a year. on the other hand, it’s fine.
i had sort of envisioned jen running her race, and her daughter and i driving from cheering spot to cheering spot and then meeting up with jen at the finish, but jen got wristbands for her daughter and her boss so that they could ride the team in training shuttles to each of the cheering spots.
no wristband for me, so i’d have to try to drive the route and try to catch up with them, which is going to be nearly impossible, so i’m just going to wait until the race is over, and go into the city for dinner with them. kind of makes me wish i hadn’t taken the day off tomorrow. i could easily have worked during the day and just gone to the city for dinner after work.
whatever, it is what it is...
i guess i wished that she would have wanted to come over to my house, see where i live, and i could have shown her all around berkeley and oakland and showed her where i work and stuff...but i guess, if you live in oklahoma and you get to come to san francisco, then you want to do the touristy stuff, even though you did the touristy stuff the year before.
it doesn’t really matter. i don’t really have it in me to be social anyway. and this way, i can be peripherally social without having to commit. i just drive people around and let them do whatever they want. just show up and fade into the woodwork. it’s what i’m used to. it’s what i’m good at.
so now, here i am, in my house, in my bed, trying not to think about the bridge and the disappointments and trying to stop shaking inside.
still confused.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
i am so confused. i went to see sandra today with the intention of saying goodbye and not coming back. i wound up walking out before my session ended, as i have been doing lately. it just gets to be too much for me to handle and i just need to leave. so anyway, i went today with the intention of telling sandra goodbye and apologizing for wasting her time...but for whatever reason, i couldn’t do it. i just tried to hold on to my anger so that i wouldn’t cry, but that didn’t work either. i feel like i should just walk away from therapy and let the chips fall where they may, even if it means my death.
but i am so confused. i don’t know what to do. sandra wants to talk to me about it, but she only wants to talk to me about it in person, so i’m going to talk to her on friday before work, which is going to be no good, because i will wind up going to work with a red nose and puffy eyes. i told her that i would only come talk to her if she promised not to call the cops on me or have me 5150’d. she said that it was not her intention to do so, so i guess i’ll go talk to her. i don’t know what to do. i just don’t know what to do.
on one hand, i feel like i am closer to dying than i have been in a long time. i feel, deep down inside, a deep sense of hopelessness and i feel like i have given up. but there is something that is holding on to life and to therapy and to sandra, and i can’t figure out what that is so that i can squash it like a bug.
i am so fucking confused. i don’t know what to do.
but i am so confused. i don’t know what to do. sandra wants to talk to me about it, but she only wants to talk to me about it in person, so i’m going to talk to her on friday before work, which is going to be no good, because i will wind up going to work with a red nose and puffy eyes. i told her that i would only come talk to her if she promised not to call the cops on me or have me 5150’d. she said that it was not her intention to do so, so i guess i’ll go talk to her. i don’t know what to do. i just don’t know what to do.
on one hand, i feel like i am closer to dying than i have been in a long time. i feel, deep down inside, a deep sense of hopelessness and i feel like i have given up. but there is something that is holding on to life and to therapy and to sandra, and i can’t figure out what that is so that i can squash it like a bug.
i am so fucking confused. i don’t know what to do.
nothing more to say.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
i don’t know what to do. i don’t know if i should quit therapy or not. i don’t want to get better. i want to die. and if i don’t want to get better, what’s the point of going to therapy? i should just quit and then get on with the business of dying. i don’t understand what is stopping me. i don’t understand why i can’t just walk away from therapy and from sandra. i don’t understand why that is so hard to do.
i don’t really have anything more to say. i’m all out of words right now.
i don’t really have anything more to say. i’m all out of words right now.
fat, disgusting, dead.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
i can’t believe i have let myself get this fat. i cannot believe i am actually this size. i have never in my life been this huge. i can’t be this size. i can’t be this fat. aside from the fact that nothing i own fits me, and that i am uncomfortable in every position, i just can’t be this fat. i can’t live like this. and the only way i can think of to fix it is to die. i can’t live this way, i have to find a way to kill myself because i can’t live this way.
i can’t go on another diet. they don’t work. diets are the reason that i am this size.
but i don’t know how to lose this weight. i try to not eat, i try to eat only healthy things, but no matter what i do, i wind up bingeing. i am disgusting. i can’t stand myself. i can’t stand looking at myself. i can’t stand being in the same room with myself.
i just want to fucking die!
i can’t go on another diet. they don’t work. diets are the reason that i am this size.
but i don’t know how to lose this weight. i try to not eat, i try to eat only healthy things, but no matter what i do, i wind up bingeing. i am disgusting. i can’t stand myself. i can’t stand looking at myself. i can’t stand being in the same room with myself.
i just want to fucking die!
completely gone.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
i don’t know if i should be worried about the economy or the election or what is going to happen if barack obama doesn’t get elected. i feel like i am too mired in my own personal crisis to worry about what is happening in the world. i mean, i know that the economy is crumbling around me, but i have a false sense of security because of where i work. there’s really no recession at apple. our store is packed day after day, and people aren’t curbing their spending when it comes to computers, iphones and ipods. so i don’t really think about the fact that my bank just took a digger and the dollar is dying and stocks are falling...
i spend more time thinking about how my relationship with sandra is failing and how i am getting nowhere in therapy and how and when and if i’m going to take my own life than i do about other stuff. i guess i’m just selfish really. i mean, when you boil it down, i pretty much think of no one but myself.
i’m pretty much in panic mode right now. super high anxiety. to the point of completely disassociating and not being able to concentrate or breathe. sandra told me yesterday that she basically wants me to stop texting her and she wants to schedule phone calls because she doesn’t want to feel like she has to call me all the time. she says that she doesn’t want to lay awake worrying because she didn’t get to call me. i feel like she is pulling away from me. i feel like she is getting ready to boot me or ask me to leave and never come back. i feel like she is setting the groundwork for telling me that she can’t work with me anymore. and, of course, i should have seen it coming, but frankly, i can’t handle it. i don’t know if i will survive this. i am barely holding on to myself right now, barely holding myself together. and if she does boot me, that may just be the end of me. i was trying to hold on to her, but now i just feel like she’s stepped back and there is nothing for me to hold on to, and i feel very small and very alone, and very frightened.
and this has nothing to do with anything, although, maybe it’s a metaphor of some sort (although, i’m not sure how)...but i took my nipple piercings out this morning and by the time i got home from work tonight, they had completely closed up. end of an era i guess. you’d think that, having been there for two years, that it would have taken longer for them to close up, but they are completely gone.
i feel completely gone too...
i guess there’s your metaphor...
i spend more time thinking about how my relationship with sandra is failing and how i am getting nowhere in therapy and how and when and if i’m going to take my own life than i do about other stuff. i guess i’m just selfish really. i mean, when you boil it down, i pretty much think of no one but myself.
i’m pretty much in panic mode right now. super high anxiety. to the point of completely disassociating and not being able to concentrate or breathe. sandra told me yesterday that she basically wants me to stop texting her and she wants to schedule phone calls because she doesn’t want to feel like she has to call me all the time. she says that she doesn’t want to lay awake worrying because she didn’t get to call me. i feel like she is pulling away from me. i feel like she is getting ready to boot me or ask me to leave and never come back. i feel like she is setting the groundwork for telling me that she can’t work with me anymore. and, of course, i should have seen it coming, but frankly, i can’t handle it. i don’t know if i will survive this. i am barely holding on to myself right now, barely holding myself together. and if she does boot me, that may just be the end of me. i was trying to hold on to her, but now i just feel like she’s stepped back and there is nothing for me to hold on to, and i feel very small and very alone, and very frightened.
and this has nothing to do with anything, although, maybe it’s a metaphor of some sort (although, i’m not sure how)...but i took my nipple piercings out this morning and by the time i got home from work tonight, they had completely closed up. end of an era i guess. you’d think that, having been there for two years, that it would have taken longer for them to close up, but they are completely gone.
i feel completely gone too...
i guess there’s your metaphor...
force.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
i’m not sure what to do about therapy, about sandra, about myself. i want to quit therapy. i want to walk away from it completely. but i don’t know. i don’t know if that would be a death sentence or a liberation. i don’t think it’s helping. sandra is asking me to do things that i can’t do. things that are too hard. i have too many buried feelings that i don’t want to unearth. she wants me to talk about them and be curious about them and dissect them and mull them over. but i can’t do that. i can’t feel those feelings. i can’t think about those things. my head goes to those painful memories too often as it is. julie invades my head and crowds my thoughts. kevin shows up in my dreams. all my failures come to me, one after the next, like lost children trying to come home, clinging to me. but there is no home for them. there is no room anymore for them and i can’t make them go away. so i lock them up, deep inside my head and i try to forget them. and every once in a while, they bubble to the surface, squirming their way under the wall or through some cracks in the fortifications, and i have to do what i can to drive them back, to force them into submission. to make them go away.
i am not strong enough to do that. i am not strong enough to do this. i am not strong enough to do what sandra wants me to do. i want to quit. and if i don’t quit, i want to take a break of an indeterminate amount of time. a break that will stretch out and turn into a quitting. and then sandra can forget about me and i can take all those feelings i have about wanting her to be my mother and needing her to take care of me, and i can shove them back behind the wall, never to be heard from again.
i am not strong enough to do that. i am not strong enough to do this. i am not strong enough to do what sandra wants me to do. i want to quit. and if i don’t quit, i want to take a break of an indeterminate amount of time. a break that will stretch out and turn into a quitting. and then sandra can forget about me and i can take all those feelings i have about wanting her to be my mother and needing her to take care of me, and i can shove them back behind the wall, never to be heard from again.
a new home.
Monday, October 06, 2008
well, i finally decided to host my own site. i’m not sure, logistically, how i’m going to do this. i just paid for my diaryland membership for another year...
but i figured it would be good to host my own ramblings on my own site. for a while, i guess i’ll be duplicating efforts, because, well, because i’m not sure how i’m going to manage all this.
i was looking back at my old diary entries, and i realize that i only starting blogging shortly before julie left me. of course, i had no idea that she was going to leave me when i started publicly spilling my guts, but hindsight being what it is...i can see the writing was on the wall. it’s painful to read. painful to see how naive i was. painful to see how happy i was, considering the continual downslide that i have fallen in to.
it’s too much to think about, so i’m going to stop. i hope this whole “personal web site” was the right thing to do. i mean, i realize that the interwebs is polluted with all kinds of unnecessary, personal drivel, and i am just adding to it, but it is what it is...
but i figured it would be good to host my own ramblings on my own site. for a while, i guess i’ll be duplicating efforts, because, well, because i’m not sure how i’m going to manage all this.
i was looking back at my old diary entries, and i realize that i only starting blogging shortly before julie left me. of course, i had no idea that she was going to leave me when i started publicly spilling my guts, but hindsight being what it is...i can see the writing was on the wall. it’s painful to read. painful to see how naive i was. painful to see how happy i was, considering the continual downslide that i have fallen in to.
it’s too much to think about, so i’m going to stop. i hope this whole “personal web site” was the right thing to do. i mean, i realize that the interwebs is polluted with all kinds of unnecessary, personal drivel, and i am just adding to it, but it is what it is...