flaky.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
god, i haven’t updated in so long. i have gone from a person who wrote in her diary on a daily basis, publicly emoting almost to the point of embarrassment, to a person who rarely updates at all.
i’m not proud of that. in fact, i wish it wasn’t so. part of it is that with my old diary on diaryland, i could update from any computer at any time. it made things lots easier and i could post whenever the mood struck. now, with my own site, i can only update from this computer, which i use a lot less frequently.
even still, i wish that i was better about writing.
that being said, i don’t really have much to say. that’s kind of not really accurate. i am bursting with things to say, but i find myself unable to express any of them. and my thoughts and feelings are squeezing the life out of me, drowning me. but no matter how hard i try, i can’t get any of it out. i think that it comes from having to lead such a dual life. my work persona and how i really feel are so disparate. there is no making any sense of them. no common ground. no congruence. and i find myself bottling things up so tightly just to get through the week that when it comes time to let some of it out, i can’t. the walls are built up too high and too thick. i am far to entrenched to be able to come out for two days a week. and if i were to let any of the real feelings out, i would not be able to put them away again when it came time to go back into the world and pretend that everything is ok.
this past week was exceptionally hard. on sunday, a ladder fell on and landed on the back of my head. it hurt, and i cried. and i couldn’t let the tears take over, because i knew that if i started crying, for real, that i would never stop. and then, on monday, at the genius bar, a customer yelled at me and was really horrible to me. i had to leave the bar and go into the bathroom, where i cried almost hysterically for about ten minutes. and then i had to pull my shit together and go back out to the genius bar and put on the happy face and help people till the end of my shift. all with red puffy eyes and a bright red nose.
i was supposed to go see sandra on tuesday, but i didn’t go. some bad shit happened with her at my session a couple of weeks ago. i don’t really want to go into it, but it was really scary and really devastating and left me feeling really scared and unsafe. i wasn’t going to go today either, but i wound up going. it was really hard. unbearably hard. and tomorrow, i have to go to work and put on the apple persona and shut everything off again.
thank god friday is the iphone launch. it’s going to be crazy and fast paced and overtime and ridiculous. but it will also be a huge distraction that will end in exhaustion. and if i can hold on long enough, i have two weeks of “vacation” coming up at the beginning of august. i’m not going anywhere or doing anything. it was the time that i should have been going to festival, but because i can’t afford to pay for the dogs to be boarded, i’m not going. it’s a long story. my mother initially told me that she’d help me with that, but then, after i’d secured my crew position, reneged and told me that she couldn’t and wouldn’t help me. i had to tell festival that i couldn't come. i’m devastated. i don’t want to talk about it.
all i know is that i feel scared and alone and that i hate myself so much. i just want to die. i know, i keep saying that and not doing anything. i’m not crying wolf, i just haven’t figured out how to go through with it yet. yesterday i cleaned my house and the only think i could think of was that i wanted it to be clean so that if someone had to come in here and find my body, they wouldn’t think that i was a disgusting pig. i can’t help it, that’s what i was thinking. that’s what i’m constantly thinking about. plotting, planning, thinking thinking thinking.
i have to go to sleep now. i won’t sleep. i haven’t been. but i have to at least try.
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