at an 8.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
sandra asked me today where i was on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being having a date set. i told her that i was at an 8. i don’t have a date set, but i feel like i am on an inevitable path.
i don’t have many words. i feel like i’m kind of all out of words.
not much else to say. i need to sleep.
i don’t have many words. i feel like i’m kind of all out of words.
not much else to say. i need to sleep.
|
abby.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
sorrow.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
i feel sad. this is not new, as i feel sad most all of the time. but for whatever reason, right now, i feel particularly sad.
abby is coming to sf. i’m going to see her on saturday. i’m terribly nervous. we’ve never met in person, yet abby is someone who my soul knows and has known for a long time. she is someone i love deeply, even though we’ve never met. but now, we are going to meet and i am scared.
everything seems so horribly unsettled. my mother is now in on trying to find me a new place to live. she found a realtor who found several condos in richmond. i do not want to live in richmond. i have told my mother where i want to live, but she doesn’t listen to me. i told my mother that richmond is worse than where i am now. the homicide rate for richmond is the highest in the state. i’m not moving to richmond.
i know that i’m probably never going to be able to move from this hell hole. i know that i will most likely die here. it is a depressing thought amidst a million other depressing thoughts.
i don’t have much else to say. it’s all the same old shit.
abby is coming to sf. i’m going to see her on saturday. i’m terribly nervous. we’ve never met in person, yet abby is someone who my soul knows and has known for a long time. she is someone i love deeply, even though we’ve never met. but now, we are going to meet and i am scared.
everything seems so horribly unsettled. my mother is now in on trying to find me a new place to live. she found a realtor who found several condos in richmond. i do not want to live in richmond. i have told my mother where i want to live, but she doesn’t listen to me. i told my mother that richmond is worse than where i am now. the homicide rate for richmond is the highest in the state. i’m not moving to richmond.
i know that i’m probably never going to be able to move from this hell hole. i know that i will most likely die here. it is a depressing thought amidst a million other depressing thoughts.
i don’t have much else to say. it’s all the same old shit.
cronkite.
Friday, July 17, 2009
walter cronkite died today. he was 92. i cannot for the life of me imagine living to be 92. it’s such a long time, but really, it’s not. i’m already almost 42. just about a month and i’ll be 42. i remember when my dad was 42. i thought he was so old. i was 15. i couldn’t imagine myself living past the age of 25, let alone ever being 42. and now, here i am. but when my dad was 42, he had career, a wife, two kids, a house, two cars... three cars really, if you counted my mom’s car. he had investments and a healthy savings. he owned his own business. he was a success.
i, on the other hand, am still living in a shitty apartment in the middle of the ghetto. i have no one in my life. i have no savings, and in fact am still borrowing money from my parents every month to make my bills. i am decidedly not a success.
i am a fat, disgusting, foul human being who is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
i wonder, sometimes, when things are going to turn around. when i’ll find somewhere safe to live (and believe me, i’m looking). when i will be able to stop living paycheck to paycheck. when i will feel safe in my home. when i will feel ok in my own skin. when i will have someone to share my life with. when bad things will stop happening.
of course, i don’t expect any of those things to happen. i know better than to hope.
people are leaving for the land. they are blogging about their packing and their journeys. it stings. it more than stings, it hurts deeply... but what can i do. i wish i could be going with them. i feel safe on the land. i feel ok in my skin. and for the most part, bad things do not happen there.
and to top it all off, sandra’s on vacation, again... so again, i feel completely disconnected and alone.
i don’t know, i’m rambling. i’ll stop.
i, on the other hand, am still living in a shitty apartment in the middle of the ghetto. i have no one in my life. i have no savings, and in fact am still borrowing money from my parents every month to make my bills. i am decidedly not a success.
i am a fat, disgusting, foul human being who is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
i wonder, sometimes, when things are going to turn around. when i’ll find somewhere safe to live (and believe me, i’m looking). when i will be able to stop living paycheck to paycheck. when i will feel safe in my home. when i will feel ok in my own skin. when i will have someone to share my life with. when bad things will stop happening.
of course, i don’t expect any of those things to happen. i know better than to hope.
people are leaving for the land. they are blogging about their packing and their journeys. it stings. it more than stings, it hurts deeply... but what can i do. i wish i could be going with them. i feel safe on the land. i feel ok in my skin. and for the most part, bad things do not happen there.
and to top it all off, sandra’s on vacation, again... so again, i feel completely disconnected and alone.
i don’t know, i’m rambling. i’ll stop.
one week.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
they came and robbed me last sunday. i have to go to work. i’m terrified that this is the day they will come back. terrified isn’t good enough word. paralyzed by fear is better.
also, there is a party tonight for two co-workers who are leaving. i’m afraid to go, after being gone all day at work.
i hate this. i fucking hate this.
also, there is a party tonight for two co-workers who are leaving. i’m afraid to go, after being gone all day at work.
i hate this. i fucking hate this.
media.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
at sandra’s suggestion, after i called her last night totally hysterical and freaked out because i woke from a nap to a dead quiet apartment and had a moment where, before i was fully awake, thought that i was the only person left on the planet and that there was no one else i would ever be able to talk to, i went out last night and bought a new tv.
she said i need the distraction right now, which i do. the landlord had bars installed on two of the windows in the back of the apartment, so at least i can leave them open to get some air and ventilation in here. the bars are on the inside of my bedroom window, and it feels like sleeping in a jail.
bars in kitchen
bars in bedroom (this is the window they came in through)
i’m terrified that the people down the street who saw me carrying the large box into the house are connected somehow to the robbery, and that they will tell the burglars that i have replaced my television, and that they will come back. i’m terrified that they will be pissed off about the bars and break a window or a door just to get in and destroy the place.
i’m just terrified in general.
i keep reliving the moment when i came home and found everything gone. it just plays in my head over and over again. i keep asking, “why me?” i know that i must be a horrible person to have all these things keep happening to me. i must have done something. karma? past life? i don’t know, but it has to be my fault somehow.
i can’t get a full breath. i am terrified to go back to work tomorrow.
yesterday, i left to go see sandra, just after the bars were installed. i was afraid to leave, and then i was even more afraid to come home, because what if they had come back?
i keep apologizing to the animals for not providing them with a safe place to live.
java and expo are scared.
the tv helps. after i got it, and installed it and turned it on, things felt a little more normal. it was not so quiet in here, i didn’t feel so strange in my own apartment. it’s a nice tv. i couldn’t really afford it. the guy at best buy gave me a discount, because he felt bad for me, getting robbed and all. i hope i made the right decision. sandra says i did. i pray to God that they don’t come back here and take it.
she said i need the distraction right now, which i do. the landlord had bars installed on two of the windows in the back of the apartment, so at least i can leave them open to get some air and ventilation in here. the bars are on the inside of my bedroom window, and it feels like sleeping in a jail.
bars in kitchen
bars in bedroom (this is the window they came in through)
i’m terrified that the people down the street who saw me carrying the large box into the house are connected somehow to the robbery, and that they will tell the burglars that i have replaced my television, and that they will come back. i’m terrified that they will be pissed off about the bars and break a window or a door just to get in and destroy the place.
i’m just terrified in general.
i keep reliving the moment when i came home and found everything gone. it just plays in my head over and over again. i keep asking, “why me?” i know that i must be a horrible person to have all these things keep happening to me. i must have done something. karma? past life? i don’t know, but it has to be my fault somehow.
i can’t get a full breath. i am terrified to go back to work tomorrow.
yesterday, i left to go see sandra, just after the bars were installed. i was afraid to leave, and then i was even more afraid to come home, because what if they had come back?
i keep apologizing to the animals for not providing them with a safe place to live.
java and expo are scared.
the tv helps. after i got it, and installed it and turned it on, things felt a little more normal. it was not so quiet in here, i didn’t feel so strange in my own apartment. it’s a nice tv. i couldn’t really afford it. the guy at best buy gave me a discount, because he felt bad for me, getting robbed and all. i hope i made the right decision. sandra says i did. i pray to God that they don’t come back here and take it.
disappointment.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
after reading patient reviews, (there were over 1210 ratings for this drug, but i only read the one's for people taking lamictal for depression), i have decided that the bad side effects far outweigh any possible positive effects. i have listed the effects most commonly reported. the starred side effects were reported by people who gave the drug a negative rating, as well as those who gave it a positive rating.
there are significant side effects of this drug that i cannot risk, such as the mental confusion and the memory loss/short term and long term. i would be unable to do my job with side effects such as these and losing my job would be catastrophic.
side effects that i cannot live with and will not tolerate:
*mental confusion
*hair loss which continues long after stopping the medication
*violent, vivid dreams when able to sleep
brain fog
*unable to retain information/short term memory
*memory loss
*poor concentration
incontinence
*difficulty sleeping
*increased anxiety
side effects that i can deal with IF they eventually go away:
*itchiness
acne
muscle pain
flu like symptoms
easily bruised
dehydration/dry mouth
there are significant side effects of this drug that i cannot risk, such as the mental confusion and the memory loss/short term and long term. i would be unable to do my job with side effects such as these and losing my job would be catastrophic.
side effects that i cannot live with and will not tolerate:
*mental confusion
*hair loss which continues long after stopping the medication
*violent, vivid dreams when able to sleep
brain fog
*unable to retain information/short term memory
*memory loss
*poor concentration
incontinence
*difficulty sleeping
*increased anxiety
side effects that i can deal with IF they eventually go away:
*itchiness
acne
muscle pain
flu like symptoms
easily bruised
dehydration/dry mouth
stuff.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
i know that stuff is just stuff, and that most stuff is replaceable. but i realized yesterday that some of my stuff was literally holding me together. without it, i feel completely untethered. at least before, i had my stuff, i had something to distract myself with. now, i have nothing, and my thoughts keep going more and more strongly to leaving.
one of the things or reasons that i haven’t already killed myself, was worrying about what i would do with my “stuff”. who would get what, how would they get it, etc.
but now that all the important stuff is gone, it just leaves me feeling disconnected and closer to being able to take my life. if the animals had not been so terrorized by the burglary, it would be a lot easier. but they need me so much, and i guess i need them too.
the shrink yesterday was good. he said that my depression is an atypical depression which does not respond well to flooding the brain with serotonin and norepinephrine, and that pretty much any SSRI is going to cause more harm than good. he recommended a drug called lamotrigine. it’s marketed as lamictal. it’s an anti-seizure medication also used as a mood stabilizer for people with bi-polar disorder, which i do not have. i’m leary, not sure at all. but the doctor definitely sounded like he knew what he was talking about, which the other 4 shrinks that i have seen did not.
i don’t know. i have to do some more research. i have to decide whether or not i plan to stay.
i have a lot to think about.
one of the things or reasons that i haven’t already killed myself, was worrying about what i would do with my “stuff”. who would get what, how would they get it, etc.
but now that all the important stuff is gone, it just leaves me feeling disconnected and closer to being able to take my life. if the animals had not been so terrorized by the burglary, it would be a lot easier. but they need me so much, and i guess i need them too.
the shrink yesterday was good. he said that my depression is an atypical depression which does not respond well to flooding the brain with serotonin and norepinephrine, and that pretty much any SSRI is going to cause more harm than good. he recommended a drug called lamotrigine. it’s marketed as lamictal. it’s an anti-seizure medication also used as a mood stabilizer for people with bi-polar disorder, which i do not have. i’m leary, not sure at all. but the doctor definitely sounded like he knew what he was talking about, which the other 4 shrinks that i have seen did not.
i don’t know. i have to do some more research. i have to decide whether or not i plan to stay.
i have a lot to think about.
shrinked. shrank. shrunk.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
i am going to the shrink this morning at 8. sandra is picking me up. i am nervous.
i am scared of leaving my house, what if the burglars come back? what if someone tries to break in again? what if the animals are not ok while i’m gone?
i feel like i have let them down horribly. it is my duty to protect them and keep them safe. i have not been able to do that since living here.
my mom asked me yesterday if i wanted to move back to newport. i absolutely do not want to live in orange county. i told her why and she dropped it... but i wonder if it might be better for the animals if they had a yard and a safer place to live. i hope that moving to orange county is not the only way to get that for them.
i am scared of leaving my house, what if the burglars come back? what if someone tries to break in again? what if the animals are not ok while i’m gone?
i feel like i have let them down horribly. it is my duty to protect them and keep them safe. i have not been able to do that since living here.
my mom asked me yesterday if i wanted to move back to newport. i absolutely do not want to live in orange county. i told her why and she dropped it... but i wonder if it might be better for the animals if they had a yard and a safer place to live. i hope that moving to orange county is not the only way to get that for them.
making myself whole.
Monday, July 06, 2009
so, i was burglarized again. someone broke into my apartment through my bedroom window. stole my two laptop computers, my two televisions (both of which were relatively new and the nicest tv’s i’ve ever owned. i saved up a long time to get them. one was 32” and the other was in my room, just a small 19” one, but still, nice. now gone.
they also stole some jewelry, ransacked my bedroom and terrorized the animals.
my website was one my laptop. my website, jo’s website, and elana’s website. also, the backup drives for both computers were in the computer bags. now gone.
all my writing. my novels from the past 4 years of doing the nano. now gone.
i can’t talk about it. it just makes me sick. but i spent about 3 hours tonight trying to recreate my website. i’m hoping that i got it right. i copied and pasted all the diary entries, and i am praying to God that i got them all, because when i upload this, it will overwrite what was there.
i don’t know if i can survive this. i mean, it’s only stuff, but i feel terrorized, traumatized. unsafe. shaky.
i don’t want to leave my house, but i can’t be here alone either.
i don’t know.
i just don’t know.
they also stole some jewelry, ransacked my bedroom and terrorized the animals.
my website was one my laptop. my website, jo’s website, and elana’s website. also, the backup drives for both computers were in the computer bags. now gone.
all my writing. my novels from the past 4 years of doing the nano. now gone.
i can’t talk about it. it just makes me sick. but i spent about 3 hours tonight trying to recreate my website. i’m hoping that i got it right. i copied and pasted all the diary entries, and i am praying to God that i got them all, because when i upload this, it will overwrite what was there.
i don’t know if i can survive this. i mean, it’s only stuff, but i feel terrorized, traumatized. unsafe. shaky.
i don’t want to leave my house, but i can’t be here alone either.
i don’t know.
i just don’t know.