pain.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
i am afraid and everything hurts.
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enough already.
Friday, January 23, 2009
i am feeling very out of sorts right now. very on the edge. i'm not sure on the edge of what, but on the edge nonetheless.
i want to scream. i want to cry.
my emotions have been extremely erratic and completely out of control.
i haven't been sleeping
i have been drinking
i have horrible thoughts about my own death. more so than usual.
i take unnecessary risks, as usual, but it just feels like more lately.
i feel like i'm fucking up more and more at work. i feel like i am constantly saying the "wrong" thing, putting my foot in my mouth, making a fool of myself.
i play those awkward moments over and over in my head, till i am so mortified and shamed that all i want to do is crawl in a hole and die.
i am a useless waste of air. and i fucking hate myself.
today, i got my confirmation from festival for my flex time. i get to stay an extra 5 days and work on flex crew. i'm scared. i probably shouldn't go to fest at all. i'm embarrassed to see all the people i've been hiding from for such a long time. there will be no hiding at fest. and everyone knows what a fraud i am. i can only hope and pray that i am somehow able to die before fest comes around.
today i came home from work to several puddles on the wood floor.
yesterday when that happened, i flew into such a rage that i almost wound up throwing java against the wall. today when i got home, i started to get mad and java ran and hid. i had to call him to me and pick him up and tell him that i wasn’t going to hurt him. (although, it was pretty smart of him to run away from me, considering how out of control i got yesterday).
the floors in my apartment are ruined. it’s going to cost me about $5000 when i finally move out of here. unless i die here...and then it won’t cost a cent...
i hate it that the dogs don’t have a yard to run in and pee in. i hate it that java pees on the floor. i hate it that i have no furniture in my house except for one chair because java has peed on and ruined everything else i own.
i hate my life. i detest my existence.
for the love of God, i want to die.
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inauguration.
Monday, January 19, 2009
sandra told me that she wanted to change our appointment tomorrow so she could watch the inauguration.
the problem was, she told me three days before when i was half asleep.
i get it that she wants to see the inauguration. it’s a big deal...but it’s not like it isn’t going to be all over youtube afterwards. it’s not like they aren’t going to be replaying it over and over for the next few days. it’s not like she wouldn’t be able to see it.
it hurt my feelings that she would rather watch the inauguration than have our session.
and one of my co-workers told me that i’m too attached to sandra and that i should find another therapist. he said that there is no way that his therapist would call him or text him the way sandra calls and texts me. i told him that it was because i was and have been acutely suicidal for so long, that sandra was trying to keep me alive. that if he was in the same situation, maybe his therapist would call him too.
i asked sandra about it. she said that there was nothing wrong with our relationship. but i’m not so sure. i mean, i know i am probably way too attached to her. i depend on her way too much. i don’t know. i don’t know what to think.
and i’ve been eating so out of control. i just feel like everything is out of control. sometimes i feel so close to the end of things.
post secret.
Friday, January 09, 2009
disheartened.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
things just aren’t going very well. specifically with sandra. i think she’s done with me. i mean, she keeps telling me that she wants to be my therapist for life, and that she is not giving up on me, but frankly, i think she’s sick and tired of dealing with me. i texted her, asking if she could call me last night. she called and basically she said what amounted to, “what do you want now?” in a very exasperated tone. those were not her exact words, but they might as well have been.
she asked me why i had wanted her to call, and i told her, “i don’t know what to do”. she responded by saying, “what it it now?”
i just said, “nothing, i’m sorry to have bothered you” and hung up.
she texted me back, saying that she was tired and, “couldn’t linger on the phone to grapple with the big question of what to do.”
i said that she shouldn’t have called then. i mean, i asked her if she could call, she could and should have said that she wouldn’t be able to call me tonight.
but she did call, and she left me feeling like i was a bother and a burden and now i don’t want to have any contact with her at all. you can be sure that i won’t be texting or calling. even if it is an emergency. especially if it is an emergency.
i just don’t know what to do. i don’t know what to do about anything. primarily, i don’t know if i should kill myself or not, but now i don’t know what to do about sandra either.
i was feeling far away from her. it had been so long since i’d seen her, and i felt walled off and protected. and now i just feel even further away, and like i need to be even more walled off and more protected. i feel like i have been jettisoned out into space with no space suit, and the lack of oxygen is squeezing my lungs and pretty soon my head will explode. i feel like i am adrift at sea, in a raft, with no food or water, just waiting for the sun to bake my brain or the sharks to get me.
i feel alone.
i feel hopeless and alone and afraid.
i also feel desperate and impulsive and frankly, i don’t know what to do with myself.
so what is new? you ask?
i guess nothing. i guess i should have called this entry “more of the same”.
kinda dark and grainy.
Monday, January 05, 2009
revealed.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
today at work, i revealed something to my co-worker about my cutting. i shouldn’t have done it. i revealed too much. i made him uncomfortable. i should have kept my fucking mouth shut.
that’s the case most of the time. i should just keep my fucking mouth shut.
i cannot tell anyone how i really feel. i cannot express what my true feelings and thoughts are. they are too dark. but things keep leaking out. i don’t mean for them to, but it seems as though i have little or no control over the dark thoughts. i came dangerously close to telling another co-worker tonight, how much i wish i were dead, how much i think about killing myself. i managed to keep my mouth shut that time, but it was a close one.
sandra is back from her vacation. i’m supposed to go see her on tuesday. 25 days since the last time i saw her. and the last time i saw her was not a good experience. she had to take a phone call in the middle of our session, and she went outside to talk on the phone. while she was outside, i left. it was kind of a horrible situation, and i guess she was sort of chasing after me when i left, but i didn’t see her and i drove away. it sucked.
i felt horrible, and i guess she felt horrible, but for different reasons. and as much as i miss her, i am afraid to go back.
honestly, i don’t understand what i am still doing here. beyond the animals. they have a definite hold on me. they keep me here. if it weren’t for them, i’d be long gone. sometimes i resent the hell out of them. most of the time, i find myself trying to figure out ways that they will be ok without me. but i cannot come up with a good enough plan for them.
so i am still here, seemingly against my will.
out of sorts.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
if the way the new year started is any indication of how the year is going to be, then i’m in big fucking trouble.
last night, my next to me neighbors had a party with at least 20 people, making noise, yelling, drinking, and being obnoxious until about 2 am. my upstairs neighbors were moving out of the apartment, clomping around above me until about 2 am. and i lay awake in my bed, trying to sleep. at midnight, i lay in my bed, listening to the M80’s going off around the block. every time one would explode, the house would shake and my bedroom would light up. expo and java were terrified. there was gunfire too. semi automatic. it was very loud, which means it was very close. that went on till about 1:45 am. the whole time, i was trying to calm the dogs and trying not to panic about the fact that i had to wake up at 5:30 so that i could be at work at 7.
it was a traumatic evening.
a traumatic and violent and unsettling start to the new year.
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i got a call today from someone who i haven’t heard from in almost a year. maybe it has been a year, i’m not sure. it actually might be more than a year. she needs help setting up her new ipod...
i don’t know how i feel about it. i mean, i guess i’m happy to help, but at the same time, it feels kind of strange, to have not heard from a person for such a long time, and then when they need something...
i don’t know, maybe i’m just being an idiot. but i’ve been in such a dark place for such a long time. and i’m sure that i drove her away, in fact, i know i drove her away. and it’s my own fault that i have been unable to reach out to anyone or to express my needs or my loneliness to anyone, so really what should i expect? but still, it feels weird.
there is so much a part of me that just wants to be left alone to die. but there is also a small part of me that wants to reach out, because i miss my friends, and i miss the person i used to be, and i miss my old life.
i think the more realistic part of me knows that the old me and the old life i had are gone forever, and that there is little chance of me ever being able to come back.
i don’t know. i’m probably not making any sense.
i should stop. i’ve already said too much. and i know that it will come back to bite me in the ass. it always does.