still alone. more alone. just alone.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
| “they” say that if you are alone at christmas, it is because nobody loves you. this is something that i already know. nobody wants me. nobody loves me. sure, people say they love me. they love me from afar, but nobody really wants to be with me. and i get that, it’s ok. i don’t blame them really. i don’t even want me. but still, this being alone thing. being alone for the rest of my life. while other people form bonds, make families, have meaningful relationships. i am alone. it is horribly painful, excruciating actually. i think about my parents. they have each other. they have a lifetime of memories together. they love each other. but they don’t have any room for me. they don’t want me. no one in my family wants me. my aunt tried to make amends, after discarding me and pretty much turning the whole family against me. it was nice of her, but really, too little, too late. the damage is done. and the trust is gone. i will never trust her again like i used to. i used to tell her all my secrets, but i know better now. i think back at my life up to now, and i am mortified by the person i was and the things that i did. it is no wonder that i have ended up here, alone. it should be no shock to me at all. i am a despicable person. i am a fraud. i deserve what i have and what i get. my own memories shame me. thinking back, even to when i was a kid, it shames me. i can’t stand the thoughts. i have to push them out of my head, but there is nothing to fill the empty space, just emptiness, just aloneness. i don’t want to be here anymore. i don’t want to think anymore. i don’t want to be alone. i don’t want to be. |
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