crazy.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

i told sandra today that i felt like i was going crazy. she said that she agreed and she also thought that i might be heading for some kind of psychotic break. she wants to put me in the hospital, but she knows how much i don’t want to go to the hospital and how much i can’t afford to go to the hospital. there are times that i actually wish that i could go. i wish it wasn’t so expensive to board the dogs and pay for the cat sitter. i wish it wasn’t so tough on them to be boarded and sat for. i wish that i didn’t have to worry about not being paid while taking fmla leave. if i could have all of those things fall into place, i’d go to the hospital in a heartbeat, cause i know that it’s the safest place for me.

i cut last night. i cut too deep and it scared me. i had to use two butterfly bandages to get the cut closed and it’s still bleeding through the bandage.

i had a moment in therapy today where i just felt completely detached from myself. i couldn’t understand how i got here. how i could slice my arm open like i did last night, how i could be so suicidal, how i could not want to get better. it all seemed so crazy. i felt like i was going crazy. i couldn’t focus and i couldn’t be in the room with sandra. i just wanted to crawl away and hide. sometimes, it’s too hard to be seen, too hard to be in the room with her. it’s easier to talk to her on the phone, cause i’m not in front of her, she can’t see me. she doesn’t understand how ashamed i am of myself, how hard it is to be in the world, how hard it is to be in front of her. i can’t explain it. all i know is that i am drowning in shame.

she told me that it is imperative that i start taking the prozac again. i told her i would, but i’m not sure that i can make myself. i will try, but i don’t know.

sometimes, i have these moments where i want my old life back. i want to be back with julie, going to yoga every day, i want to weigh 120 pounds, i want to be in a partnership and feel loved again. but all of that is gone and i’m never going to get it back. and it wasn’t all sunshine and roses back then either. i don’t know. i don’t know.