q and a.
Friday, October 24, 2008
i got an anonymous comment today. it said,
“Would you prefer friends visiting or emailing or calling or writing or anything or would you prefer everyone to just cut all ties? I'm sincerely curious.”
annon | 10.24.08 - 1:54 pm | #
that’s a hard question to answer. sometimes, i would prefer to be left alone, as it is almost too much for me to “come out” to meet people half way, and it’s not fair to ask them to come to me, since i am so far away and unreachable.
other times, i just wish for people to not forget about me. they don’t have to contact me, just don’t forget about me.
but never, at any time do i wish for anyone to cut all ties. in the event that i actually survive this, i would hope to be able to mend some of the friendships that i have damaged, if that is at all possible.
most of the time, i miss people. i miss my friends. i feel so alone all of the time, and i know that i am not fit company, so i stay away from people and hide in my bed, but i do miss my friends quite a lot. i know that not everyone can deal with depression and not everyone wants to. most of the time, people don’t know what to say or do, so they stay away as well. i freely admit that i am not fun to be around, so i completely understand why people stay away. i’m not sure that people understand why i push them away or why i isolate so much. i’m not pushing them away because i don’t want them in my life or because i want them to go. i am pushing them away as a defense mechanism. it’s not really as complicated as i’m making it sound, but i’m not exactly sure how to explain it.
i don’t actually know what i would do if people just showed up at my house. most of the time, i am so shame filled, i don’t know if i would be able to let them in. and talking on the phone is difficult most of the time. i think i would like it if people wrote. v wrote me from festival in august and it was the most meaningful and loving thing. i read her letter and i cried and cried and cried. i actually collapsed on the floor and sobbed. i felt loved. i felt cared for. and even though, intellectually, i know that there are people who love and care for me, most of the time, i can’t feel it.
i think a lot of things are best explained in a letter that i wrote to sandra:
i find myself operating on such a primal level sometimes. it's all fight or flight. today, all i could feel was this big gaping hole inside of myself and i just had to leave. it felt like the room was closing in on me and there was no air and i just had to get out. there was no time to sit and process about it. i didn't even realize what was going on, i just needed to leave, so i did.
most of the time, i don't feel anything at all. when i do feel, i feel intense sadness, or intense shame. emotions that i would rather not feel if given the choice, so i try to turn them off, either by eating or sleeping, or just ignoring them.
you ask me to come see you twice a week and turn those emotions on again, and it's just not so easily done. it's nearly impossible to do when i don't physically fit in the space i'm given.
i cannot tell you how many times it feels like i am physically trapped inside myself. i would give anything to be able to let the wall down and tell you everything and let you hold me and let you help me. but i don't know how to do that. and it's getting harder and harder to come at all. the depression is smothering me. it is getting worse and it is smothering me. and i'm just waiting for it to finish the job, because i am too weak or to scared to do it myself.
i don't know what to do. all i know is that i cannot open myself up anymore. and you ask me to try to do that every week and all i am doing is disappointing you and frustrating both of us, which is why i think it would be best if i just stopped coming.
i am not pushing you away. i desperately want to grab on to you and not ever let go, but i don't think that is doing either of us any good.
“Would you prefer friends visiting or emailing or calling or writing or anything or would you prefer everyone to just cut all ties? I'm sincerely curious.”
annon | 10.24.08 - 1:54 pm | #
that’s a hard question to answer. sometimes, i would prefer to be left alone, as it is almost too much for me to “come out” to meet people half way, and it’s not fair to ask them to come to me, since i am so far away and unreachable.
other times, i just wish for people to not forget about me. they don’t have to contact me, just don’t forget about me.
but never, at any time do i wish for anyone to cut all ties. in the event that i actually survive this, i would hope to be able to mend some of the friendships that i have damaged, if that is at all possible.
most of the time, i miss people. i miss my friends. i feel so alone all of the time, and i know that i am not fit company, so i stay away from people and hide in my bed, but i do miss my friends quite a lot. i know that not everyone can deal with depression and not everyone wants to. most of the time, people don’t know what to say or do, so they stay away as well. i freely admit that i am not fun to be around, so i completely understand why people stay away. i’m not sure that people understand why i push them away or why i isolate so much. i’m not pushing them away because i don’t want them in my life or because i want them to go. i am pushing them away as a defense mechanism. it’s not really as complicated as i’m making it sound, but i’m not exactly sure how to explain it.
i don’t actually know what i would do if people just showed up at my house. most of the time, i am so shame filled, i don’t know if i would be able to let them in. and talking on the phone is difficult most of the time. i think i would like it if people wrote. v wrote me from festival in august and it was the most meaningful and loving thing. i read her letter and i cried and cried and cried. i actually collapsed on the floor and sobbed. i felt loved. i felt cared for. and even though, intellectually, i know that there are people who love and care for me, most of the time, i can’t feel it.
i think a lot of things are best explained in a letter that i wrote to sandra:
i find myself operating on such a primal level sometimes. it's all fight or flight. today, all i could feel was this big gaping hole inside of myself and i just had to leave. it felt like the room was closing in on me and there was no air and i just had to get out. there was no time to sit and process about it. i didn't even realize what was going on, i just needed to leave, so i did.
most of the time, i don't feel anything at all. when i do feel, i feel intense sadness, or intense shame. emotions that i would rather not feel if given the choice, so i try to turn them off, either by eating or sleeping, or just ignoring them.
you ask me to come see you twice a week and turn those emotions on again, and it's just not so easily done. it's nearly impossible to do when i don't physically fit in the space i'm given.
i cannot tell you how many times it feels like i am physically trapped inside myself. i would give anything to be able to let the wall down and tell you everything and let you hold me and let you help me. but i don't know how to do that. and it's getting harder and harder to come at all. the depression is smothering me. it is getting worse and it is smothering me. and i'm just waiting for it to finish the job, because i am too weak or to scared to do it myself.
i don't know what to do. all i know is that i cannot open myself up anymore. and you ask me to try to do that every week and all i am doing is disappointing you and frustrating both of us, which is why i think it would be best if i just stopped coming.
i am not pushing you away. i desperately want to grab on to you and not ever let go, but i don't think that is doing either of us any good.
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