still scared.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

things are still pretty scary. it still feels like i’m just waiting, biding my time. everything feels so uncertain and unsettled. but it’s the aloneness. that’s the hardest thing.

nothing much else to say for now.

just hanging on by a thread.

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same old same old.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
there is nothing really new to write about, but i haven’t written in so long, i felt like i should at least write something. i remember when a day didn’t go by without me posting something in my diary. but lately, i just don’t have it in me to write down what i am thinking and feeling. more because it is too painful to think about rather than just being a rehashing of the same old thing over and over again.

i have to say that i feel like i am getting closer and closer to the end of things. incrementally, by degrees. it’s all coming to some kind of end.

sandra is away this week. she’s off with her family somewhere. i feel incredibly left behind.

and today, my dad was up here, in the city. he was less than 15 miles away from me, but he didn’t come see me. i haven’t seen my dad in over a year, but i guess he was just too busy. he sent me an email saying, “next time”.

that’s what his dad used to say to him. and then he’d never show up.

i don’t know. i don’t know anything anymore. lately, it feels like no good deed goes unpunished. no matter how much i try to do something good, it pretty much always blows up in my face. i should learn to just keep my mouth shut.

i really wish i could learn that.