too much.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010
there is so much i haven't written about and so long since i've written anything. i am hoping that when i get my ipad, i'll write more. i've been without a laptop now for a long time.

expo has cancer. doctor says it's probably only a matter of 6 to 8 months. i have to watch for signs of her decline. it will be likely that i will have to have her put to death before my birthday in august.

likewise, nicky and pj are starting to show their age, and java is getting into all kinds of mischief (like getting into expo's cancer medication and eating half the bottle, poisoning himself, which almost cost him his life as well).

it's all too much. i wrote this to my mother recently, it pretty well describes how i've been feeling about everything

"i guess what it feels like no one understands, is how absolutely hopeless everything seems. everywhere i look are dead ends.

the dogs and cats have completely destroyed the floor of this apartment, so even though i live in a horrible neighborhood across the street from a crack dealer and down the street from a gang house, even though there is no peace here, only noise and disruption and fear, i will never be able to leave, because the floors are destroyed and i can't pay to have them repaired.

and even though i barely make enough money to live, even though my parents have to subsidize my income just so i can pay my rent and bills, there is no chance of getting more money or getting a better job and i'm stuck with the job i have and every time i turn around there is another expense that i cannot afford, or another thing i have to pay for because the dogs or cats got cancer or ate poison or aren't eating or drinking, it's just one thing after another.

and even though my mother pays what extra money she has so i can go to therapy, i can't talk there, and i don't feel safe there, and i'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

there is nothing in my life but fear and despair and sadness. there is no one in my life but me and 4 sick animals who will all not be here very soon.

and all i can think of is how much better everyone would be if i weren't here.

and i call my mother and i just want her to be my mommy and take care of me, but she says, "i don't know what to tell you" or "i have nothing to say" which only makes me feel more alone and more desperate and more hopeless.

nothing but dead ends. nothing but dark places. nowhere to go. no one to be with.

and i guess it just feels like no one understands that it is all too much."




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