out of sorts.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

if the way the new year started is any indication of how the year is going to be, then i’m in big fucking trouble.

last night, my next to me neighbors had a party with at least 20 people, making noise, yelling, drinking, and being obnoxious until about 2 am. my upstairs neighbors were moving out of the apartment, clomping around above me until about 2 am. and i lay awake in my bed, trying to sleep. at midnight, i lay in my bed, listening to the M80’s going off around the block. every time one would explode, the house would shake and my bedroom would light up. expo and java were terrified. there was gunfire too. semi automatic. it was very loud, which means it was very close. that went on till about 1:45 am. the whole time, i was trying to calm the dogs and trying not to panic about the fact that i had to wake up at 5:30 so that i could be at work at 7.

it was a traumatic evening.

a traumatic and violent and unsettling start to the new year.

********

i got a call today from someone who i haven’t heard from in almost a year. maybe it has been a year, i’m not sure. it actually might be more than a year. she needs help setting up her new ipod...

i don’t know how i feel about it. i mean, i guess i’m happy to help, but at the same time, it feels kind of strange, to have not heard from a person for such a long time, and then when they need something...

i don’t know, maybe i’m just being an idiot. but i’ve been in such a dark place for such a long time. and i’m sure that i drove her away, in fact, i know i drove her away. and it’s my own fault that i have been unable to reach out to anyone or to express my needs or my loneliness to anyone, so really what should i expect? but still, it feels weird.

there is so much a part of me that just wants to be left alone to die. but there is also a small part of me that wants to reach out, because i miss my friends, and i miss the person i used to be, and i miss my old life.

i think the more realistic part of me knows that the old me and the old life i had are gone forever, and that there is little chance of me ever being able to come back.

i don’t know. i’m probably not making any sense.

i should stop. i’ve already said too much. and i know that it will come back to bite me in the ass. it always does.
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