pain.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

i am afraid and everything hurts.
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enough already.
Friday, January 23, 2009
i am feeling very out of sorts right now. very on the edge. i'm not sure on the edge of what, but on the edge nonetheless.

i want to scream. i want to cry.

my emotions have been extremely erratic and completely out of control.
i haven't been sleeping
i have been drinking

i have horrible thoughts about my own death. more so than usual.

i take unnecessary risks, as usual, but it just feels like more lately.

i feel like i'm fucking up more and more at work. i feel like i am constantly saying the "wrong" thing, putting my foot in my mouth, making a fool of myself.

i play those awkward moments over and over in my head, till i am so mortified and shamed that all i want to do is crawl in a hole and die.

i am a useless waste of air. and i fucking hate myself.

today, i got my confirmation from festival for my flex time. i get to stay an extra 5 days and work on flex crew. i'm scared. i probably shouldn't go to fest at all. i'm embarrassed to see all the people i've been hiding from for such a long time. there will be no hiding at fest. and everyone knows what a fraud i am. i can only hope and pray that i am somehow able to die before fest comes around.

today i came home from work to several puddles on the wood floor.

yesterday when that happened, i flew into such a rage that i almost wound up throwing java against the wall. today when i got home, i started to get mad and java ran and hid. i had to call him to me and pick him up and tell him that i wasn’t going to hurt him. (although, it was pretty smart of him to run away from me, considering how out of control i got yesterday).

the floors in my apartment are ruined. it’s going to cost me about $5000 when i finally move out of here. unless i die here...and then it won’t cost a cent...

i hate it that the dogs don’t have a yard to run in and pee in. i hate it that java pees on the floor. i hate it that i have no furniture in my house except for one chair because java has peed on and ruined everything else i own.

i hate my life. i detest my existence.

for the love of God, i want to die.
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