still confused.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
i am so confused. i went to see sandra today with the intention of saying goodbye and not coming back. i wound up walking out before my session ended, as i have been doing lately. it just gets to be too much for me to handle and i just need to leave. so anyway, i went today with the intention of telling sandra goodbye and apologizing for wasting her time...but for whatever reason, i couldn’t do it. i just tried to hold on to my anger so that i wouldn’t cry, but that didn’t work either. i feel like i should just walk away from therapy and let the chips fall where they may, even if it means my death.
but i am so confused. i don’t know what to do. sandra wants to talk to me about it, but she only wants to talk to me about it in person, so i’m going to talk to her on friday before work, which is going to be no good, because i will wind up going to work with a red nose and puffy eyes. i told her that i would only come talk to her if she promised not to call the cops on me or have me 5150’d. she said that it was not her intention to do so, so i guess i’ll go talk to her. i don’t know what to do. i just don’t know what to do.
on one hand, i feel like i am closer to dying than i have been in a long time. i feel, deep down inside, a deep sense of hopelessness and i feel like i have given up. but there is something that is holding on to life and to therapy and to sandra, and i can’t figure out what that is so that i can squash it like a bug.
i am so fucking confused. i don’t know what to do.
but i am so confused. i don’t know what to do. sandra wants to talk to me about it, but she only wants to talk to me about it in person, so i’m going to talk to her on friday before work, which is going to be no good, because i will wind up going to work with a red nose and puffy eyes. i told her that i would only come talk to her if she promised not to call the cops on me or have me 5150’d. she said that it was not her intention to do so, so i guess i’ll go talk to her. i don’t know what to do. i just don’t know what to do.
on one hand, i feel like i am closer to dying than i have been in a long time. i feel, deep down inside, a deep sense of hopelessness and i feel like i have given up. but there is something that is holding on to life and to therapy and to sandra, and i can’t figure out what that is so that i can squash it like a bug.
i am so fucking confused. i don’t know what to do.
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