gray.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

well, i suppose i should update, cause if anyone is reading, they are probably wondering what the hell is going on. i am on medical leave until the 13th of december. i am not going to the hospital. i am going to sandra every day and writing (and writing) and taking the meds and so far that’s it. i have to say that i can feel the medicine slowly dulling things, turning everything gray. it’s been about a week, and i can already feel the medicine blunting every thought and feeling that i have. the desire to keep noveling is fading rapidly, and the dark place from which i drew the creativity and energy to write is gone. the medicine leaves me in a very gray place. this place, this grayness is almost like a complete void of all emotions and feelings. i feel as blank as the grayness is gray. i cannot cry, i cannot feel, i can only exist. i will say that while in the darkness, i was only merely existing, but at least there was energy, there was movement, if not of anything other than the blackness swirling around me. in the gray, everything is stone still. the darkness brought with it a feeling of comfort, of relative safety, save the strong urge to kill myself. there was energy in the black. there were tears and rage and even some laughter. here, now, there is none of that. oh, i suppose that there is anger. i am angry that i have been reduced to this horrible blandness. i am angry that sandra is relieved that i am no longer an eminent threat to myself. i am angry at myself that i am no longer an eminent threat to myself. there is something to be said for living on the razor’s edge between life and death. even if what you are doing resembles nothing even close to living. but at least i felt something.

i just feel completely shut down. i want to stop taking the medicine, because i hate the way it makes me feel. i’m also afraid that sandra is getting ready to boot me. her frustration is palpable, and really who can blame her? who wants to work with a client who doesn’t want to get better and who only wants to fight to keep dying instead of to keep living. it makes no sense. so yeah, i get it. and i understand it. but it frightens me at the same time.

in other news, i got to spend some time with v yesterday. she was here for a doctor’s appointment and stayed for awhile and hung out with me. i worked on her computer a bit and she worked on her website a bit and it was good. it was nice to have her here. she doesn’t expect anything from me. she just lets me be me. i like that.

i also got a very cool surprise package from jo which had some neat t-shirts and some soaps. i’m wearing one of her shirts now, and it smells like her and like her soap and it makes me feel closer to her. i haven’t been a very good friend lately. but for whatever reason, she hasn’t given up on me. i don’t understand that at all.

i don’t think i am a very good person. i definitely don’t think i’m worthy of friends like jo and v. i know that i am intrinsically bad. it’s one of the reasons i hate myself so much. i don’t understand people. i don’t understand much.

i felt like i had more to say, but i’ve run out of words.
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waiting.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
feeling abandoned. waiting to hear back from my store manager to find out what is going to be happening with my job. waiting for sandra to call me, whenever she gets around to it...sometime tonight, but when i don’t know. and so i wait and wait and wait.

i feel oddly like my life is on hold. almost like a condemned prisoner, waiting to find out if their sentence has been commuted to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

i was thinking this morning. it doesn’t matter if the medicine works and takes away the immediate need to kill myself. i am still going to be left with myself, a person i detest.

it’s a lose lose situation.