revealed.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
today at work, i revealed something to my co-worker about my cutting. i shouldn’t have done it. i revealed too much. i made him uncomfortable. i should have kept my fucking mouth shut.
that’s the case most of the time. i should just keep my fucking mouth shut.
i cannot tell anyone how i really feel. i cannot express what my true feelings and thoughts are. they are too dark. but things keep leaking out. i don’t mean for them to, but it seems as though i have little or no control over the dark thoughts. i came dangerously close to telling another co-worker tonight, how much i wish i were dead, how much i think about killing myself. i managed to keep my mouth shut that time, but it was a close one.
sandra is back from her vacation. i’m supposed to go see her on tuesday. 25 days since the last time i saw her. and the last time i saw her was not a good experience. she had to take a phone call in the middle of our session, and she went outside to talk on the phone. while she was outside, i left. it was kind of a horrible situation, and i guess she was sort of chasing after me when i left, but i didn’t see her and i drove away. it sucked.
i felt horrible, and i guess she felt horrible, but for different reasons. and as much as i miss her, i am afraid to go back.
honestly, i don’t understand what i am still doing here. beyond the animals. they have a definite hold on me. they keep me here. if it weren’t for them, i’d be long gone. sometimes i resent the hell out of them. most of the time, i find myself trying to figure out ways that they will be ok without me. but i cannot come up with a good enough plan for them.
so i am still here, seemingly against my will.
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