stupid.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

i was stupid to hope. stupid to think that just because i told sandra that i needed a plan, that would mean that things were going to change.

i went back to work today. it wasn’t as hard, putting on the “apple face” but i know that it will only get harder, as it did before. each day will chip away at me, a little bit at a time, until i can’t do it anymore. it’s only a matter of time. i also found out that they paid me for a week of vacation. this was vacation time that i was saving for festival in august. it was also vacation time that i told the HR people that i specifically did not want to take as a part of my leave, so, now, in essence, i got paid double for a taking short term disability leave, once by my benefits, and once from my vacation pay. it means that i have to either pay back my vacation pay, or give back my benefit money. either way, i’m fucked. and i’m totally pissed, because the idiot manager who ok’d it did it completely of his own volition, not at my request or anyone else’s request. it completely fucked me over. i’m not sure what is going to happen, but i hope it doesn’t bring the state of california down on my ass. that’s all i need is fucking california employment development department breathing down my neck, demanding money from me. or worse, the state franchise tax board. i guess it’s all par for the course. nothing can ever go right for me.

anyway...

there is an old navy in the mall where i work. everyone was going down there, buying coats, because it was fucking cold today...so i decided to go take a look and see what coats they had. and, of course, none of the fucking coats fit me. it was mortifying, and just reiterated to me what a fucking disgusting piece of shit fat ass i am. so, what did i do? after work, i went to taco bell and totally pigged out on shit, which made me feel even worse. i fucking hate myself. i don’t think that anyone really gets how much i fucking detest myself. there is not one redeeming thing about me. not one. seriously, it would be better for everyone, for the planet, for my parents, for everyone if i were dead.

i pray, every night, that i can somehow find the guts to kill myself. and right now, i don’t fucking care about the animals or what happens to them. i came home from work today to find that java had peed on my fucking bed. that, and the whole house smells like shit. it’s lovely, really. so i don’t really care what happens to any of us. i should probably shut all the windows and duct tape them, and turn on the gas. it would be merciful and just like falling asleep.

i’m worthless. that’s all i know.

fucking worthless.
|