disheartened.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

things just aren’t going very well. specifically with sandra. i think she’s done with me. i mean, she keeps telling me that she wants to be my therapist for life, and that she is not giving up on me, but frankly, i think she’s sick and tired of dealing with me. i texted her, asking if she could call me last night. she called and basically she said what amounted to, “what do you want now?” in a very exasperated tone. those were not her exact words, but they might as well have been.

she asked me why i had wanted her to call, and i told her, “i don’t know what to do”. she responded by saying, “what it it now?”

i just said, “nothing, i’m sorry to have bothered you” and hung up.

she texted me back, saying that she was tired and, “couldn’t linger on the phone to grapple with the big question of what to do.”

i said that she shouldn’t have called then. i mean, i asked her if she could call, she could and should have said that she wouldn’t be able to call me tonight.

but she did call, and she left me feeling like i was a bother and a burden and now i don’t want to have any contact with her at all. you can be sure that i won’t be texting or calling. even if it is an emergency. especially if it is an emergency.

i just don’t know what to do. i don’t know what to do about anything. primarily, i don’t know if i should kill myself or not, but now i don’t know what to do about sandra either.

i was feeling far away from her. it had been so long since i’d seen her, and i felt walled off and protected. and now i just feel even further away, and like i need to be even more walled off and more protected. i feel like i have been jettisoned out into space with no space suit, and the lack of oxygen is squeezing my lungs and pretty soon my head will explode. i feel like i am adrift at sea, in a raft, with no food or water, just waiting for the sun to bake my brain or the sharks to get me.

i feel alone.

i feel hopeless and alone and afraid.

i also feel desperate and impulsive and frankly, i don’t know what to do with myself.

so what is new? you ask?

i guess nothing. i guess i should have called this entry “more of the same”.
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