kevin.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
20 years feels like the blink of an eye. i miss you kevin, more than you will ever know or ever have believed possible. i hope you are resting in peace. i know that i have not had much peace since you took your life. i am angry and envious. you are and will always be my brother. and i love you.
kevin michael kraft
11/9/1972 - 09/27/1989
downward spiral
Thursday, September 17, 2009
i feel like it is just a waiting game at this point. waiting till things get bad to the point that i'll finally be able to do something. i know i'm close. i know that the animals are the only things keeping me here. i have moments when i think that i'm closer than at other times.
i'm tired. weary really. i don't have other words.
so i will wait.
i'm tired. weary really. i don't have other words.
so i will wait.
nothing new.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
too fat. not fat enough.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
i went to a seminar tonight about bariatric surgery. it is the first thing that you have to do if you want to have any kind of bariatric surgery. i wanted to find out about the lap band surgery, however, i don't have 100 pounds to lose and my bmi is not over 35, nor do i have high blood pressure or diabetes.
so i do not meet the criteria for the surgery, i am not a candidate.
i have been trying (unsuccessfully) to diet since august 15th. i was doing nutrisystem, but i binged on my birthday, and i have been eating horribly ever since.
i'm a horrible disgusting fat cow and i cannot stand myself. and i'm never going to be able to lose this weight.
i'd be better off if i could just force myself to jump in front of a BART train.
i can't live like this. i can't be this fat. i am so uncomfortable all the fucking time. and please GOD PLEASE don't tell me to just start eating better and exercising.
for that matter, if you are going to comment at all, please don't tell me that everything is going to be alright and that it will all get better if i would only do x y or z.
it's not going to get better. and i know this to be the truth.
so i do not meet the criteria for the surgery, i am not a candidate.
i have been trying (unsuccessfully) to diet since august 15th. i was doing nutrisystem, but i binged on my birthday, and i have been eating horribly ever since.
i'm a horrible disgusting fat cow and i cannot stand myself. and i'm never going to be able to lose this weight.
i'd be better off if i could just force myself to jump in front of a BART train.
i can't live like this. i can't be this fat. i am so uncomfortable all the fucking time. and please GOD PLEASE don't tell me to just start eating better and exercising.
for that matter, if you are going to comment at all, please don't tell me that everything is going to be alright and that it will all get better if i would only do x y or z.
it's not going to get better. and i know this to be the truth.
locked up.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009