fucked.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
java peed on my pillow again this morning while i was in the shower. it took every ounce of strength that i had not to beat the ever loving shit out of him.
my only pair of pants have a gigantic hole in the ass, which, out of frustration, i wound up ripping in half. now i have no pants.
the wood floor of my apartment is so soaked and saturated with pee in some spots that it is impossible to get out and just keeps getting peed on.
i quit therapy yesterday, so now i don't have sandra any more (although, i've had less and less of her lately anyway).
i'm a huge disgusting fat sack of shit, and i can't manage to lose any of this weight, no matter what or how hard i try.
there is so much rage inside me that it feels like my head is going to explode.
i don't fucking buy that there is only one way out of this and that is to take a pill. i'm not taking the fucking medication. and if that is truly the only way out (and i don't think that it is, but that is the only solution that anyone will offer me), then i am going to die. plain and simple. and the sooner the better.
my only pair of pants have a gigantic hole in the ass, which, out of frustration, i wound up ripping in half. now i have no pants.
the wood floor of my apartment is so soaked and saturated with pee in some spots that it is impossible to get out and just keeps getting peed on.
i quit therapy yesterday, so now i don't have sandra any more (although, i've had less and less of her lately anyway).
i'm a huge disgusting fat sack of shit, and i can't manage to lose any of this weight, no matter what or how hard i try.
there is so much rage inside me that it feels like my head is going to explode.
i don't fucking buy that there is only one way out of this and that is to take a pill. i'm not taking the fucking medication. and if that is truly the only way out (and i don't think that it is, but that is the only solution that anyone will offer me), then i am going to die. plain and simple. and the sooner the better.
sometimes.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
sometimes when everything is quiet and cold
you can only hear your own breath
you can only hear your own heart pounding
you can only hear the voices screaming in your head.
sometimes, in the impossible silence,
it feels like the right time.
it feels like everything in your life has been leading
up to this moment.
sometimes when you know that the end is close at hand
you take a deep breath
and wonder if you will have the strength
to finally take that endless step.
you feel yourself falling.
you feel your heart stopping.
you feel the freedom.
and then there is no more.
writing again.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
i'm writing again. it's nice. i like it. a coworker of mine started a cooperative project loosely revolving around an article he read in the ny times about suicide by train. he asked me if i wanted to participate, and so i am writing a short story. the theme is set in the future, it's sort of sci fi in nature. i like it. i want to use it for my nano, but it's kind of cheating to start the nano with 5000 words already written...
still i might do it anyway. i'm sure that there are other people who do it, and besides, the nano is really just to get people writing... right?
i don't know.
i have to go to sandra now. things on that front are not so good. we are at an impasse and i don't know how we are going to get past it. i anticiapte that it will all end in my death, but of course, that seems to be more and more of a fantasy than anything that will come to fruition.
we shall see i suppose.
still i might do it anyway. i'm sure that there are other people who do it, and besides, the nano is really just to get people writing... right?
i don't know.
i have to go to sandra now. things on that front are not so good. we are at an impasse and i don't know how we are going to get past it. i anticiapte that it will all end in my death, but of course, that seems to be more and more of a fantasy than anything that will come to fruition.
we shall see i suppose.