fired.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
i used to be on the dyke march committee. i quit the committee because of personality conflicts and poor communication, but i kept doing the website and administering the email list.
tonight, they informed me that they were going to use a professional web designer.
i'm pissed, and disappointed, and hurt.
i'm also kind of relieved, cause now i'm finally done with them...
but mostly, i'm just hurt.
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in the middle.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
i had a strange therapy session today. i basically told sandra that i didn’t trust her and that for the most part, the therapy seems to be primarily about the relationship between herself and me, rather than being about me and my issues. i said some really honest things but basically, i was saying that she is not (or at least hasn’t been) a very good therapist. i figured that she wouldn’t want me to bother coming back, but she says that at least i’m talking to her and she doesn’t see it as a reason to stop something that we are in the middle of.
honestly, it doesn’t seem like we are in the middle of anything.
i asked her if she still thought i was in danger. she said yes. she then asked me if i thought i was still in danger.
i said yes.
mostly, i’m confused.
free fallin.
Monday, November 24, 2008
this version of this song just rips my guts out.
Free Fallin - John Mayer
return.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
i can feel the darkness coming back. i didn’t take the pills yesterday or today, i’m not sure, but i think i may have also forgotten on friday too. so that’s three days w/ no drugs, and already the darkness is coming back. not full blown, like it was, but i can feel it pressing in on me from the edges, and to tell you the truth, i welcome it. i miss the comfort of the darkness and i welcome it.
frustrated.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
i am so easily frustrated. but i am almost violently frustrated when there are actual things to be frustrated about.
yesterday, i was updating my site, and i realized that i needed to make some changes that i didn’t know how to do. so, of course, i googled, looking for information about how to make the changes, and sent a few emails and got the answer that i was using an outdated version of the software that i use for my site. so, today, i upgraded, and when i went to look at my site, it was completely fucked. none of my formatting was there, none of my pictures were there, none of my customizations were there. i got so angry, i smashed my head against the wall so hard that i cracked the wall. i tried to fix things, but nothing was working, so again, i banged my head, i clawed at my face and i bit my own hand.
now i have a splitting headache and i’m sure i have scratch marks on my face.
it’s like the frustration turns immediately to rage and i can’t control it.
i don’t know, it’s like i have this strange sense of entitlement or something. like, ok, i’m suffering, and i’m horribly depressed, but does that mean that absolutely every fucking thing has to go wrong? gimme a fucking break, don’t i deserve it?
for example:
i had my taxes re-done by my dad’s tax guy, cause i did them online and i fucked them up and wound up paying more than i needed to. so the guy re-does my taxes and sends me the forms to sign and mail. i do so, and a few weeks later, instead of a refund, i get a letter from the state of california saying that i owe an additional $2500, and it’s due by the 25th of november. i don’t know what the guy did, but he fucked things up for me. so now i have to pay money to the state that i don’t fucking have. all because i was trying to do the right thing and make sure my taxes were correct.
fuck, my head hurts.
i’ve been watching dexter. one of my co-workers loaned me the first season and i’ve watched the first 5 episodes so far. i like it. it’s pretty good.
sandra wants me to write down my goals for therapy. i don’t have any goals. i want to be dead. she doesn’t get that.
i’m watching a show about einstein on tv. they just said that einstein told his family when he was a young man that, “perhaps it would have been better if i had not been born.”
hmmm. i’m like einstein. except for the fact that i’m no genius and my life has no meaning and no impact on the world. so i guess i’m not like einstein.
i’m so scattered right now. all i know is that between a semi-incontinent cat, and a dog who pees everywhere, my whole apartment reeks and i don’t know what do to clean it. i scrub and scour, but the whole place still smells like pee.
god, i want to die....i fucking want to die.
gray.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
well, i suppose i should update, cause if anyone is reading, they are probably wondering what the hell is going on. i am on medical leave until the 13th of december. i am not going to the hospital. i am going to sandra every day and writing (and writing) and taking the meds and so far that’s it. i have to say that i can feel the medicine slowly dulling things, turning everything gray. it’s been about a week, and i can already feel the medicine blunting every thought and feeling that i have. the desire to keep noveling is fading rapidly, and the dark place from which i drew the creativity and energy to write is gone. the medicine leaves me in a very gray place. this place, this grayness is almost like a complete void of all emotions and feelings. i feel as blank as the grayness is gray. i cannot cry, i cannot feel, i can only exist. i will say that while in the darkness, i was only merely existing, but at least there was energy, there was movement, if not of anything other than the blackness swirling around me. in the gray, everything is stone still. the darkness brought with it a feeling of comfort, of relative safety, save the strong urge to kill myself. there was energy in the black. there were tears and rage and even some laughter. here, now, there is none of that. oh, i suppose that there is anger. i am angry that i have been reduced to this horrible blandness. i am angry that sandra is relieved that i am no longer an eminent threat to myself. i am angry at myself that i am no longer an eminent threat to myself. there is something to be said for living on the razor’s edge between life and death. even if what you are doing resembles nothing even close to living. but at least i felt something.
i just feel completely shut down. i want to stop taking the medicine, because i hate the way it makes me feel. i’m also afraid that sandra is getting ready to boot me. her frustration is palpable, and really who can blame her? who wants to work with a client who doesn’t want to get better and who only wants to fight to keep dying instead of to keep living. it makes no sense. so yeah, i get it. and i understand it. but it frightens me at the same time.
in other news, i got to spend some time with v yesterday. she was here for a doctor’s appointment and stayed for awhile and hung out with me. i worked on her computer a bit and she worked on her website a bit and it was good. it was nice to have her here. she doesn’t expect anything from me. she just lets me be me. i like that.
i also got a very cool surprise package from jo which had some neat t-shirts and some soaps. i’m wearing one of her shirts now, and it smells like her and like her soap and it makes me feel closer to her. i haven’t been a very good friend lately. but for whatever reason, she hasn’t given up on me. i don’t understand that at all.
i don’t think i am a very good person. i definitely don’t think i’m worthy of friends like jo and v. i know that i am intrinsically bad. it’s one of the reasons i hate myself so much. i don’t understand people. i don’t understand much.
i felt like i had more to say, but i’ve run out of words.
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waiting.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
feeling abandoned. waiting to hear back from my store manager to find out what is going to be happening with my job. waiting for sandra to call me, whenever she gets around to it...sometime tonight, but when i don’t know. and so i wait and wait and wait.
i feel oddly like my life is on hold. almost like a condemned prisoner, waiting to find out if their sentence has been commuted to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
i was thinking this morning. it doesn’t matter if the medicine works and takes away the immediate need to kill myself. i am still going to be left with myself, a person i detest.
it’s a lose lose situation.
time.
Friday, November 14, 2008
things are coming to a head. i told my store manager today that i was incredibly depressed and may have to be hospitalized. i intimated that i was suicidal without coming out and saying it. i took a huge risk in doing so, because i could totally lose my job. i haven’t been at apple for a year yet, so i am not covered by FMLA protection. if i do take the time off, it would have to be on short term disability and my job is not protected. the store manager suggested that i take vacation time and told me to take tomorrow off so that i can figure out what i want/need to do. i don’t want to go to the hospital. so sandra said that it would be ok to just take the time off and stay home and beef up our therapy schedule. that way, i won’t have to worry about the animals, i won’t have to be without my computer, i can still write and i can sleep in my own bed. she said that would be fine, but if i deteriorated, she’d have to have me hospitalized.
i just feel like i need a rest. the incongruity of who i have to be at work and who i really am is catching up to me. or rather, has caught up with me and is steamrolling over me. i just can’t do it anymore. i can’t put on the apple face and be at work. today, i was at work for only 3 and a half hours, and i got nothing done. i couldn't concentrate. i couldn’t understand what i was doing, nothing was making sense, i couldn’t stop crying.
they wound up sending me home...
there’s this internal website at work that we have to check every day. it’s how information is disseminated through the company. the “front page” of that site has new information. every once in awhile, they have a picture of a person who recently died. in memorium. they show their picture and there is a little blurb about how apple is sorry to report the sudden unexpected death of whoever happened to die. usually, it’s someone young. and every time i see that, i think two things. 1) did they kill themselves? and 2) will they put my picture up there? there is this woman at work, katherine, i trust her. she gets me. i asked her if she would make sure that they put my picture up when i die. she said that she was worried about me and that she wanted me to look into short term disability. she also suggested two people that might be able to stay at my house with the dogs and cats if i have to go to the hospital. i work with some great people.
everything feels very surreal right now. being sent home today...talking to katherine, talking to the other two girls, telling them that i might be going to the hospital, talking to the store manager. i don’t really know what is going to happen, it’s starting to feel very out of my control and i don’t like that one bit.
i have to call my store manager on sunday and let him know what i’m going to do. i still don’t know what i’m going to do. i can’t imagine that there is a future, it just doesn’t feel like i’m going to survive this.
crazy.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
i told sandra today that i felt like i was going crazy. she said that she agreed and she also thought that i might be heading for some kind of psychotic break. she wants to put me in the hospital, but she knows how much i don’t want to go to the hospital and how much i can’t afford to go to the hospital. there are times that i actually wish that i could go. i wish it wasn’t so expensive to board the dogs and pay for the cat sitter. i wish it wasn’t so tough on them to be boarded and sat for. i wish that i didn’t have to worry about not being paid while taking fmla leave. if i could have all of those things fall into place, i’d go to the hospital in a heartbeat, cause i know that it’s the safest place for me.
i cut last night. i cut too deep and it scared me. i had to use two butterfly bandages to get the cut closed and it’s still bleeding through the bandage.
i had a moment in therapy today where i just felt completely detached from myself. i couldn’t understand how i got here. how i could slice my arm open like i did last night, how i could be so suicidal, how i could not want to get better. it all seemed so crazy. i felt like i was going crazy. i couldn’t focus and i couldn’t be in the room with sandra. i just wanted to crawl away and hide. sometimes, it’s too hard to be seen, too hard to be in the room with her. it’s easier to talk to her on the phone, cause i’m not in front of her, she can’t see me. she doesn’t understand how ashamed i am of myself, how hard it is to be in the world, how hard it is to be in front of her. i can’t explain it. all i know is that i am drowning in shame.
she told me that it is imperative that i start taking the prozac again. i told her i would, but i’m not sure that i can make myself. i will try, but i don’t know.
sometimes, i have these moments where i want my old life back. i want to be back with julie, going to yoga every day, i want to weigh 120 pounds, i want to be in a partnership and feel loved again. but all of that is gone and i’m never going to get it back. and it wasn’t all sunshine and roses back then either. i don’t know. i don’t know.
done.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
i am at my wits end. this is a breaking point of some sort, and i honestly don’t know which way it is going to go. all i know is that i can’t take it anymore.
i got up this morning, mopped the kitchen floor.
took a shower
got out of the shower
went in the kitchen
there was pee all over the kitchen floor.
this is just a small illustration of how absolutely everything goes.
nothing goes as planned. nothing goes as it should, and nothing goes my way.
I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN’T.
and i won’t.
i got up this morning, mopped the kitchen floor.
took a shower
got out of the shower
went in the kitchen
there was pee all over the kitchen floor.
this is just a small illustration of how absolutely everything goes.
nothing goes as planned. nothing goes as it should, and nothing goes my way.
I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I CAN’T.
and i won’t.