fear
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
sometimes, i am so paralyzed. well, all the time, actually.
paralyzed by fear, and by depression, and by the sheer overwhelmingness of, well, everything.
if i am ever to “get my life back”, there is so much to overcome. i have to lose 80 pounds. i have to find a new place to live. i have to move, which is overwhelming in and of itself. and i have to be active. active as in moving my body, but also active as in participating in my own future. i have to be able to face and deal with the fact that i am alone and alone i will go forward. this is not an easy thing.
i feel completely estranged from my family. my mother wants me to be someone i am not, and will not accept the person that i am; my father is all business. he has so many expectations about how “his daughter” is supposed to be. not how i am, or how i am supposed to be, but how this idea of “his daughter” is supposed to be. he had the same expectations about how “his son” was supposed to be, and kevin lived up to none of them, and then he killed himself, which definitely was not in my dad’s plan. my dad didn’t have a dad, so he had all these ideas in his head about what a “dad” was supposed to be like, and how a “dad” is supposed to be with his kids. so none of our relationship, or what we have of a relationship anyway, is organic. it’s all scripted in his head. and none of it turned out the way it was scripted. i don’t think he can deal with that, so he just shuts down.
i think that my parents had me to fix what was wrong in their own lives. honestly, they should never have had children. my mother had to be the parent to her sisters when she was a pretty young kid. her mother wasn’t “there”, her father was emotionally absent. she had ideas in her head about what a mother was supposed to be like too, and in so many ways, she missed the mark. she was over protective. she was smothering. she thew her whole self into my brother, because he needed that kind of attention, but it was damaging to him at the same time. damaging to both of them really. and damaging to me, because, in essence, she turned her back on me and focused all her attention on kevin. i was left to figure it out on my own. and, of course, i did everything i could think of to get their attention. i stole, i failed in school, i acted out, i ate. i did whatever i could, and it got me sent away. further alienated from my family, made more separate, more “other than”. i was forced to become independent and aloof. and then they got upset that i had moved so far away from them emotionally, when they had never been there in the first place.
now that kevin is dead, there is an entirely different dynamic. they are completely shut down. they exist in their own little bubbles. bubbles that bounce around each other, and bump into each other, and coexist, but still separate bubbles. and i am in my own bubble i guess. i tried for a long time to talk to them about things. to bring kevin into our lives by talking about him and what happened, but they wanted no part of it. so i dropped it. they are happy with me only when i am happy with myself, but what they don’t understand is that i am and have never really been happy with myself. i have hated myself since i was a very little girl. they say they don’t understand that, and oh how loved i was and oh how wanted. they don’t understand why or how. they don’t try to understand. they just throw platitudes at me, and money. “oh honey, but you are just so smart and capable, why can’t you just...” “why don’t you just...” they don’t understand that i just want my mommy and daddy. i needed them when i was 5 and they moved away from me. i still need them in the same way. unfulfilled needs.
so many unfulfilled needs. so much to overcome. so much. hurdles so high, i cannot even contemplate them. i cannot even try to dream about thinking about fathoming a way to get over them. it is easier to crawl back into the hole. it is easier to plan my death than to think about my life.
sandra says things to me about medication. how it is going to take medication to have the motivation to even try to do any of this. i don’t think medication is going to do it. i think it is going to take a miracle.
but i’m not even sure i want a miracle. i detest myself to such a degree that i don’t know if i want to even make the effort to live, if it means living with myself. i don’t like me. i don’t want to be around me. i just want to get far away from me.
no one understands that.
i am paralyzed by fear and by the depression. it all just seems like too much. getting out of bed in the morning is too much, how am i possibly going to be able to tackle all that is before me.
i don’t think i can.
i want to die. not because i don’t want to live, but because it feels like i can’t live, like there is nothing for me. like any chance at life has been missed. i have so badly botched the life that i have. i have so poorly mismanaged the last 41 years. it is my own fault that i am stuck here. it is my own fault that i have failed so miserably. and i don’t believe that there are third or fourth chances.
sometimes, it is just better to turn off the light and walk away.
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stuff.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
nothing really to say. today at work, some kid at the genius bar told me that i look like miss piggy’s mother.
i’ve had a pretty severe earache for the past two days. no urgent care is opened on the weekend so i have nowhere to go to get any relief.
my parents are in grass valley this weekend. something at my aunt and uncle’s house. they are less than 2 hours away, but they won’t come see me. of course, my dad has been doing work in the city on a pretty regular basis and he hasn’t come to see me once since he’s been coming up here. less than 15 minutes away really. they are usually 8 hours away, but whatever. i don’t know why i’m surprised. they don’t want me, they never have.
i haven’t talked to or texted sandra in over 5 days. my parents are going to probably stop paying for therapy, so i have to get used to the idea that i won’t have sandra anymore, because if she’s not getting paid, she’s not going to be talking to me or checking in on me or anything like that.
alone.
alone and fat and disgusting.
no festival. nothing to look forward to. no one. just me.
feeling really alone and really, well, just done. it won’t be long, i can feel it.