new year's meme.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
took a short term disability leave from work
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i didn't have one, i don't make them.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
not that i know of
4. Did anyone close to you die?
pierre
5. What countries did you visit?
none
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
relief
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
june 4th, the day pierre died.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i guess, not killing myself, although i don't consider that an achievement, i consider it a failure...
9. What was your biggest failure?
not killing myself
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yes
11. What was the best thing you bought?
my new macbook pro, although my new tv runs a close second
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
v, sandra, jo
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my own, my parents
14. Where did most of your money go?
rent and bills
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
nothing
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
it's not a song from 2008, but i sure did listen to it a lot
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) sadder
b) fatter
c) poorer
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
living
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
dying
20. How will you be spending christmas?
i spent christmas alone, sleeping most of the day.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
i fell in love a thousand times.
22. How many one-night stands?
none
23. What was your favorite tV program?
dexter
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
no
25. What was the best book you read?
god, i don't think i read one book this year. if i did, i don't remember ... that's pathetic!
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
john mayer rediscovered
27. What did you want and get?
new macbook pro and my job at the apple store
28. What did you want and not get?
relief
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
not sure i have a favorite
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
turned 41. didn't do anything.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
death
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
a hot mess
33. What kept you sane?
who said i was sane?
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
still and always, johnny depp
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
proposition 8
36. Who did you miss?
julie, kevin, pierre
37. Who was the best new person you met?
easily and without question, daryn.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
not to trust anyone, it will only get you hurt.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
2 am and i'm still awake writing this song,
if i get it all down on paper it's no loger inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to.
and i feel like i'm naked in front of a crowd
cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
and i know that you'll use them however you want to.
butyou can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourgalss glued to the table.
no one can find the rewind button now,
sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe.
whoa breathe, just breathe.
oh breathe, just breathe.
oh breathe, just breathe.
|
piles and piles of stuff.
Friday, December 26, 2008
i was thinking last night, looking around at all my “stuff” and thinking, what am i going to do with all of this stuff! and especially, what am i going to do with the 9 family photo albums that are sitting on my shelf. what do you do with all that personal shit? i mean, once my parents are gone, there is only me, and what happens to all those things when i’m gone?? i wonder if i should send them all back to my mom, cause she might want them...
i wonder if i should just put them in a big metal trash can and burn them all??
what do i do with my high school year books, and all the pictures of me and julie that i can’t look at anymore because it hurts too much. what do i do with the framed pictures of my brother and my parents? what do i do with the picture of me and my dad at the father daughter sock hop from 5th grade? what do i do with all of this shit?
i have so much crap! i don’t want to accumulate any more crap. i have a guitar that i never play. i have a whole bunch of music books. music that i used to try to play on my guitar. i have books coming out of my ears. i have clocks and chotchkies and clothes i don’t wear and shoes that don’t fit anymore and stuffed animals and knit hats and jars of smelly lotions and salves and a shit load of little bottles of patchouli and tv remote controls that go to tv’s that i don’t even own anymore. i have wooden boxes filled with crap, i have drawers full of stuff. i have a storage unit filled with plastic bins filled with shit. i have skis and paints and beads and a box full of dresses that i will never wear again, but that i can’t get rid of because they represent a time in my life when i was happy, following the grateful dead around and spinning and dancing to amazing music. i have music. i have cd’s and cassette tapes, i have dvd’s and rolls of duct tape and tools and pots and pans and dishes and mugs that will never be used. i have oceans and oceans of stuff. it’s drowning me...
sometimes i feel like just opening up my doors and inviting the ghetto folk to come on in and take whatever they want, and sit there, watching all my stuff leaving. i’m not sure why i don’t actually do it. could be that i don’t my whole neighborhood traipsing through my apartment.
i want to purge myself of all of my stuff and then leave this place.
i haven’t seen sandra in 15 days. i won’t see her for another 11 days. i am trying my best to stay hidden safely behind my wall. i’m trying really hard not to need her or to feel. i’m trying not to miss her.
but i miss her.
i’m trying to make her small and far away so that i don’t think about her. i’m trying to make myself small and far away so that i don’t think at all.
i just want to vanish. i want to be able to will myself out of existence.
christmas.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
it’s christmas.
i’m completely alone.
it’s ok, i’d rather be alone. i feel mostly like shit, and i’d just be a buzz kill to be around.
and around the corner is new years.
i’m just dreading hearing, “i hope this new year is going to be better for you.” or “i know that things are going to be better in the new year”
i know that things are not going to get any better. i don’t want to hear any platitudes from anyone that things will be different. it’s insulting. nothing will be different, nothing is going to get better. it’s just going to be more of the same. the same struggle, the same self hate, the same miserable existence.
i don’t even know what i’m typing about anymore, i can’t concentrate. work today was a freakish nightmare and i am exhausted.
disappear
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
fucked.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
i completely lost it at work today. it started out with a bitchy customer who wanted her machine replaced even thought it was well beyond the 30 day return. i told her that we would gladly fix her computer, but she wanted a replacement. i went to management and they said to give her a new machine, to which i replied, “you’re shitting me!” which i SHOULD NOT have said. i knew i shouldn’t have said it when it came out of my mouth, but i was stressed and frankly kind of surprised that they told me to give her a new computer.
so, later in the day, i got reprimanded, and the manager told me that i said, “you’re fucking kidding me”, which is not what i said. he then went on to tell me that my attitude needed to change and that if a customer gets me that upset, that i need to find the manager and take a break, because i’ve already have several negative customer surveys since i got back and he did not want me undoing all the hard work that the team did on getting positive customer surveys while i was gone. it was what sounded like a veiled threat and i freaked out that they are going to fire me, which only made me cry. fortunately, i waited to burst into tears until after i had left the managers office. i went back later to talk to one of the managers about how it felt like i haven’t done anything right since i got back and that’s when i totally lost it, i was fucking hysterically crying...i felt like an idiot.
i just feel like i can’t do anything right. i had thought that i was doing ok with customers since i got back. i’ve been trying really hard to have a positive attitude and be friendly and nice. but apparently, i haven’t been doing as well as i thought. i know i’m going to get fired. i just know it. and i don’t know what i’ll do if that happens. i love my job. i love my co-workers. i can’t get fired, i just can’t.
i just want to fucking die.
i really should just start making plans and follow fucking through with them. nothing is going to change and nothing is going to get any better.
sick.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
oddness... but it suits my mood
Monday, December 15, 2008
stupid.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
i was stupid to hope. stupid to think that just because i told sandra that i needed a plan, that would mean that things were going to change.
i went back to work today. it wasn’t as hard, putting on the “apple face” but i know that it will only get harder, as it did before. each day will chip away at me, a little bit at a time, until i can’t do it anymore. it’s only a matter of time. i also found out that they paid me for a week of vacation. this was vacation time that i was saving for festival in august. it was also vacation time that i told the HR people that i specifically did not want to take as a part of my leave, so, now, in essence, i got paid double for a taking short term disability leave, once by my benefits, and once from my vacation pay. it means that i have to either pay back my vacation pay, or give back my benefit money. either way, i’m fucked. and i’m totally pissed, because the idiot manager who ok’d it did it completely of his own volition, not at my request or anyone else’s request. it completely fucked me over. i’m not sure what is going to happen, but i hope it doesn’t bring the state of california down on my ass. that’s all i need is fucking california employment development department breathing down my neck, demanding money from me. or worse, the state franchise tax board. i guess it’s all par for the course. nothing can ever go right for me.
anyway...
there is an old navy in the mall where i work. everyone was going down there, buying coats, because it was fucking cold today...so i decided to go take a look and see what coats they had. and, of course, none of the fucking coats fit me. it was mortifying, and just reiterated to me what a fucking disgusting piece of shit fat ass i am. so, what did i do? after work, i went to taco bell and totally pigged out on shit, which made me feel even worse. i fucking hate myself. i don’t think that anyone really gets how much i fucking detest myself. there is not one redeeming thing about me. not one. seriously, it would be better for everyone, for the planet, for my parents, for everyone if i were dead.
i pray, every night, that i can somehow find the guts to kill myself. and right now, i don’t fucking care about the animals or what happens to them. i came home from work today to find that java had peed on my fucking bed. that, and the whole house smells like shit. it’s lovely, really. so i don’t really care what happens to any of us. i should probably shut all the windows and duct tape them, and turn on the gas. it would be merciful and just like falling asleep.
i’m worthless. that’s all i know.
fucking worthless.
thoughts.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
v asked me tonight if i had fired sandra yet. as though it were something that was even possible. as though i were not so inextricably tied to sandra that i could easily just walk away.
as much as i am frustrated with therapy, and as much as i don’t think it is working, and even as much as i might think that sandra hasn’t got the first clue about how to help me, i don’t think i could fire her. i don’t think i could just leave and never speak to her or see her again. she has kept me alive for almost two years now. something she is doing has kept me tied to her for this long. i don’t know if it is the deep desire and wish that she could be my mother, or if it is that she really cares for me and loves me. i don’t know what it is, but every time i have tried to just walk away, i find myself going back to her.
she is the first person i think to call when i am in a panic. she is the first person i want to comfort me when i am inconsolable. she is the first person i think about when i am sure that it is finally time to end things.
i don’t know. maybe i should fire her. maybe i should walk away from therapy and from the help that she is trying to give me.
i don’t really know what to do. but for now, i feel like i need her, so i will continue to cling to her for my very survival...
until i can’t hold on any longer.
a letter to sandra.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
sandra asked me to write her and tell her what i was so afraid of. so here is what i wrote her:
you want to know what it is that i am afraid of. i think i have told you before, that i am afraid that this is not going to work. that i will do all this hard work and nothing will come from it, and i will be right back where i started from, only i will have no other choice but to kill myself, because i will know definitively that nothing will work and that there is no hope for me at all.
i know that you are going to read into that and think that it means that i have even the tiniest bit of hope now. but i don’t. i have never felt more hopeless. i have never felt more disgusting, or ugly, or detestable, or foul, or lost.
i am afraid of unearthing all of my feelings. i am afraid that they will overwhelm me and that once i let them out, they will never stop coming.
there is not one think in my life that i do not regret. not one single thing. and i don’t want to have to rehash or re-think about any of those things. they haunt me. every single thing i have ever done haunts me. if i keep it all behind the wall, then i don’t have to deal with it as much. sure, it leaks out, and there are times when i can’t turn off my head and every regret plays over and over and over again, but for the most part, it’s shoved so far down that it is manageable.
and you are asking me to take it all out and expose it to you and to talk about it all.
and there is so much buried. there is so much of my childhood that i can’t even remember and i don’t know why.
and i cannot stand myself. you don’t seem to understand that. you don’t seem to understand how deep my hatred goes and how disgusted i am by myself. why on earth would i want to spend time talking about myself or thinking about myself when i hate myself so much.
i am afraid of my thoughts. i think about dying constantly. i think about horrible things. i can’t turn off my head. i play out scenarios in my head all the time. earlier today, i couldn’t stop thinking about just taking the animals to the vet and dropping them all off and coming home and killing myself in the garage in my car. running a hose from my exhaust pipe into the car, it would be just like going to sleep. but then i thought about having to say goodbye to them, and how hard that would be. i think about closing all the windows and just turning on the gas. i think about horrible things all the time. dying seems like the best option.
and now, it is time to go back to work, and nothing has changed, and the shame of that. i’m going to have to pretend like everything is fine and that taking a month off was actually beneficial, when, in fact, it did nothing for me. i’m no better off.
i just don’t think you understand the depth of the shame and the hate and the sadness. i don’t think you understand how completely damaged and shattered i am. you seem to think that i am somehow fixable, but i think you are so wrong.
i can’t even think anymore. i don’t even remember what it was you asked me to write about. i guess i am just still writing so i can pretend to feel close to you, cause it’s like i’m talking to you, even though i’m not.
i still don’t understand why you care or what you like about me or what you see in me that is worth saving.
trying.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
i sent sandra a long email with what amounts to a list of demands...
it’s not that really. it’s more a list of what i would need if i were going to stay in therapy. i’ve been seriously contemplating just quitting and walking away from it all and letting the chips fall where they may.
last week, we had a horrible session where we basically yelled at each other. it wasn’t a raised voices screaming at each other kind of thing, but i was angry and i told her so, and she was frustrated and she told me so. i wound up saying way too much, exposing way too much of myself, and i regret telling her what i told her.
she, on the other hand, seems to think that it was some kind of break through and that we are now on our way to getting somewhere.
i don’t know about that. part of me really wants to quit. the other part of me is willing to try.
i told her that i need the following things:
i need to be taken on my own terms.
i need medication to not be the "go to" place for the only possibility of me "getting better". and i need to not be made to feel like i am fighting you or being stubborn because i don't want to take it. it is a reasonable thing to not want to have to take medicine. you have never taken it, you don't know what it does to you and when it stops working again, and it will stop working again, then i have to be on the medication merry go round trying to figure out what will work and what combination of poisons i have to take to make myself feel better. if i am going to feel better, i want it to be real and not artificially created by some pill.
i need total honesty.
i need you to not use therapeutic techniques on me. i can't tolerate being asked, "how does that make you feel" or having my words parroted back at me. i cannot stand it when i hear things like, "that sounds really awful" or "that must have been really painful for you"... it absolutely makes my skin crawl. i have had enough therapy to know when it is being used on me, not to mentioned that i have a masters degree in psychology. i learned all of those techniques in my first year of the MSW program that i didn't complete. it makes me feel like you (the royal you, not you specifically) are just going through the motions and it is off putting. and i know that there are ways of empathizing without making it sound all creepy and horrible.
i need a game plan. there have been about a hundred times when you have come up with something that sounded good, and i get a twinge of hope, and then nothing happens or it is never talked about again. i need a game plan. something that we stick to. it's ok if we try something and it doesn't work and we have to change paths, but i need a path to be on, not just some ambiguous amorphous thing.
i need to have something that i can see progress. i have no hope at all. it is dark and devastating and, well, hopeless. it fuels my desire to die. i need to be able to see that we are getting somewhere.
i need a lot of encouragement (but it has to be real). not just a cheerleader. cause i know that there are going to be lots of times when i feel like i can't do this and i want to quit, or just take the easy way out and kill myself. that is still there, very strong, and it is a constant thought and gnaws at me all of the time.
i don’t know if any of this is going to work, and i feel like i am taking a huge risk in even trying. i know that if i try, and this doesn’t work, that the only other option is killing myself. i have no hope. i am filled with nothing but shame, and i could not bear yet another failure.
i am terrified. and i keep going back and forth between letting myself try and giving up altogether. i got back to work in six days and absolutely nothing has changed.
i honestly don’t know if i can survive this.
lost.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
i am so lost. i honestly don’t know what to do.
i don’t trust sandra. i don’t trust anyone. i don’t trust myself.
sandra wants to help me, but i don’t think i actually want the help. why else would i be fighting so hard against her?
i don’t want to take the medicine. i don’t want to go to the hospital. i don’t want to do whatever it takes. i must not want to get better.
i keep thinking that if i let myself sink deep enough, things will take care of themselves. but either i have not sunk deep enough yet, or nothing ever really takes care of itself.
i don’t know what to do.
i called sandra tonight and just asked her to tell me i wasn’t bad. i thought that maybe if i heard it from her, i would believe it. but i didn’t.
she told me that this isn’t my fault, but i can’t see how it isn’t.
i see the messages from people. i see them telling me that they care and that they are worried, or that they don’t want me to be in this mess...but i fear that i am so far away, so far gone, that their messages aren’t reaching me.
i don’t know how i got here.
i don’t know how it is every going to be possible to get back.
so what?
Monday, December 01, 2008
i feel fragmented. i feel empty. i feel dead inside, and i feel frightened.
i feel like i can’t catch up to myself. i know that doesn’t make any sense. it’s like i’m running on a treadmill, and i’m chasing myself, but i can’t catch me. or maybe i’m running after the me i used to be, or the me i wanted to be, or the me that i know i’ll never be able to be.
i feel like a shell of a person.
and i feel like a fraud.
i feel better unmedicated. that sounds so strange. i feel better because i feel worse. at least i can feel.
for a few days, i felt adamantly averse to writing in my diary. i did not feel like publicly emoting. it feels so pathetic. boy (or girl, as it were) crying wolf and all that nonsense.
someone said something to me in response to a response to their email, and i felt mocked. i said something to the effect of wanting to die but still being able to smile, and their response felt like they were mocking me. like they were making light of how i felt. and it hurt my feelings...so i decided that i would not write anything at all, because it all seems so absurd.
but i think i just take myself too seriously. i can’t expect anyone to understand how horrible it feels on the inside of me. and other people have their own issues that seem more important and more grave (pardon the pun) to them. i’m sure it must seem patently ridiculous from the outside in, to see someone so privileged, who has whatever she wants, to be so miserable.
and really, what do i have to be so upset about?
i mean, so what if i have this horrible depression. and so what if my parents don’t want me. and so what if my brother killed himself. and so what if my entire family has written me off and excommunicated me. and so what if the love of my life decimated my heart when she left me so abruptly. and so what if i detest myself. and so what if my own body disgusts me. and so what if all i want in the world is to not have to be in the world anymore.
so what??
so many other people have it so much worse. so many other people are actually suffering. i am just a spoiled brat. i should just buck up and accept my situation and move on with things. i should just be happy, and grateful for all the things i have.
but i don’t.
and i’m not.
and i don’t know what is wrong with me that makes me want die so badly.
i know that i am an inherently bad person. i know that i don’t deserve to be wanted or loved. i know that....
i guess i answer my own questions.
and i know that it’s only a matter of time.