ugh.
Friday, August 28, 2009
i don't have any more words. they have all gone away. i can't even talk to sandra anymore. i just show up and sit there, in agony until it is time to leave. and then i get up and go out the door feeling like i had a million things to say but just couldn't say them. and at the same time, feeling like there are no more words at all.
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it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
this is such a hard day. the day of my birth. the last day i ever saw my brother alive 20 years ago. the day that julie's grandmother died. it's filled with painful memories. it's hard to get excited about it.
not to mention that i'm not celebrating in any way. i am working, and then i'll get off work and go home and go to sleep. just another day.
it's hard to celebrate your birthday when there's no party, no cards, no gift, just you.
i know i'm whining about it, but hey, it's my birthday so i can if i want.
peeves of the pet variety.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
i can’t fucking stand it when you don’t hear from someone for a loooong fucking time, like over a year, and they find you on facebook, friend you, and you think, “wow, that was nice, i haven’t talked to them in a long fucking time.” and the first thing they say to you is “can you help me fix my computer?”
WTF!!!!?????
uh, hi. you haven’t said boo to me in well over a year, as far as i knew you fell off the planet. and i get it if you felt you needed to distance yourself from me because i’m too difficult to be around or the depression was just too much for you to handle, but don’t contact me after all this time and expect me to be your personal mac genius. it makes me want to tell you to fuck the hell off.
seriously.
nothing new.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
curiosity.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
*WARNING... GRUESOME IMAGERY AND GRAPHIC PHOTOGRAPHS. READ AND CLICK ON LINKS AT YOUR OWN RISK*
sometimes, it is a burden to be curious. it leads me to places that i am not sure i want to go. tonight, while listening to metalopalypse i got curious about their lyrics, which led me to the wikipedia page, which led me to look at the references and allusions made by the show to other metal bands and musicians, which led me to the reference to this swedish musician named dead, which led me to the story about his suicide, which led me to look at the picture that was taken of him after he shot himself in the head and was later used as an album cover, which can be found here, but i warn you, it is VERY graphic. don’t click on it unless you want to see a really gross picture of a dead guy with his brains spilling out of his head.
my problem is, that i am obsessed with death images. i can’t look away. and then they stay with me, haunting me and tormenting me. you see, one of the reasons that i am still here, is that i cannot bear the thought that someone else will find me. and the things that are done to dead people... autopsies, and investigations... i don’t want anyone mucking about with my body, even though i won’t be in it anymore. it just freaks me out. and unless i can figure out a way that there won’t be a body left, then i won’t do it.
so far, the one thing i can come up with is jumping from one of the bridges. it’d have to be done at night, when the likelihood of being found and fished out is at its least. and then just pray that the impact kills me and the sharks eat my body. i guess if i knew that someone would care for my body after i was dead and not allow it to be messed with. i don’t know.
also, death imagery makes it all so much more real, and frankly, it scares me to be dead. you look at the pictures, and you can see that the person is dead, it is clear, and you think about them and their lives and how they are never going to do anything ever again. it scares me... really badly. i mean, i want out of this life, but do i want out like that? i don’t know. i don’t know at all. sometimes i do. sometimes it just all scares me so much. sometimes, i just get into a place where none of it matters and dying is the only thing that seems plausible.
and all the fear melts away. those are the times that i am the most scared and the most calm, all at the same time. the times that i don’t feel afraid to die, and i don’t care what they do with my body. those are the times that i am the closest.
there have only been like three or four of those times. two of them, i wound up in the hospital. once it happened while i was at work, and it passed before the day was over. once, sandra sort of talked me down.
i don’t know.
and right now, i’m supposed to be on vacation. all the people that i love are either far away, or at festival. i should be there. but i’m not. and i’m so so so very bored. and my back has been killing me, so all i can do is lay around. it’s driving me nuts.
sandra is on vacation next week. i am really scared. i rely on her so much. it leaves me feeling so alone when she is gone. so ungrounded and so unsafe. it feels like she goes away a lot. i don’t like it. i went to my session today and i couldn’t talk. i just sat there, all pathetic and hurting. i fucking hate myself.
ugh. i guess that’s all for now. i guess that’s enough for now.