bridges.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
jen is here w/ her daughter and her boss. she came for the marathon, the one i ran last year. i can’t believe that last year, only a year ago, i did a half marathon. i was 40 pounds lighter. i can’t believe it’s been a year since then.
anyway, jen is here, and her daughter, who i adore, wanted to go to the golden gate bridge today. now, i will tell you that i try to avoid the gg bridge at any and all costs. i don’t trust myself on the most bridges in general, but on that one in particular. it’s high enough not to have to worry about surviving the fall.
i couldn’t look over the edge. i had to fight with myself not to climb up on the railing. if jen’s daughter hadn’t been there, i don’t know if i would have been able to stop myself. being there shook me to my core. and of course, i could not let on to jen that i was bothered. i made a couple of comments, but she either wasn’t paying attention, didn’t hear me, or is just tired of the whole thing. there’s a phone on the bridge, about 1/4 of the way across. it’s a direct call to crisis counseling. i SO badly wanted to pick up that phone. but there were so many people around. jen, her boss, her daughter, about a million tourists. i couldn’t stop shaking inside. i couldn’t look over the edge. this is why i don’t go to the bridge. i have fought with myself not to go there up till now. i will have to keep fighting with myself not to go back.
after the bridge, we went to fisherman’s wharf, which, despite being annoyingly crowded, was a good distraction from the bridge. there were too many people. too many people in the whole city. all the people here for the marathon. all the tourists, doing tourist things. i hate doing tourist things, but that is what jen and her daughter want to do.
i mentioned that her boss came too. they are friends and i guess she wanted to come cheer jen on for the race...i’m not entirely clear on why she came. on one hand, it bothers me...i mean, she gets to see her every day, she gets to see me once a year. on the other hand, it’s fine.
i had sort of envisioned jen running her race, and her daughter and i driving from cheering spot to cheering spot and then meeting up with jen at the finish, but jen got wristbands for her daughter and her boss so that they could ride the team in training shuttles to each of the cheering spots.
no wristband for me, so i’d have to try to drive the route and try to catch up with them, which is going to be nearly impossible, so i’m just going to wait until the race is over, and go into the city for dinner with them. kind of makes me wish i hadn’t taken the day off tomorrow. i could easily have worked during the day and just gone to the city for dinner after work.
whatever, it is what it is...
i guess i wished that she would have wanted to come over to my house, see where i live, and i could have shown her all around berkeley and oakland and showed her where i work and stuff...but i guess, if you live in oklahoma and you get to come to san francisco, then you want to do the touristy stuff, even though you did the touristy stuff the year before.
it doesn’t really matter. i don’t really have it in me to be social anyway. and this way, i can be peripherally social without having to commit. i just drive people around and let them do whatever they want. just show up and fade into the woodwork. it’s what i’m used to. it’s what i’m good at.
so now, here i am, in my house, in my bed, trying not to think about the bridge and the disappointments and trying to stop shaking inside.
anyway, jen is here, and her daughter, who i adore, wanted to go to the golden gate bridge today. now, i will tell you that i try to avoid the gg bridge at any and all costs. i don’t trust myself on the most bridges in general, but on that one in particular. it’s high enough not to have to worry about surviving the fall.
i couldn’t look over the edge. i had to fight with myself not to climb up on the railing. if jen’s daughter hadn’t been there, i don’t know if i would have been able to stop myself. being there shook me to my core. and of course, i could not let on to jen that i was bothered. i made a couple of comments, but she either wasn’t paying attention, didn’t hear me, or is just tired of the whole thing. there’s a phone on the bridge, about 1/4 of the way across. it’s a direct call to crisis counseling. i SO badly wanted to pick up that phone. but there were so many people around. jen, her boss, her daughter, about a million tourists. i couldn’t stop shaking inside. i couldn’t look over the edge. this is why i don’t go to the bridge. i have fought with myself not to go there up till now. i will have to keep fighting with myself not to go back.
after the bridge, we went to fisherman’s wharf, which, despite being annoyingly crowded, was a good distraction from the bridge. there were too many people. too many people in the whole city. all the people here for the marathon. all the tourists, doing tourist things. i hate doing tourist things, but that is what jen and her daughter want to do.
i mentioned that her boss came too. they are friends and i guess she wanted to come cheer jen on for the race...i’m not entirely clear on why she came. on one hand, it bothers me...i mean, she gets to see her every day, she gets to see me once a year. on the other hand, it’s fine.
i had sort of envisioned jen running her race, and her daughter and i driving from cheering spot to cheering spot and then meeting up with jen at the finish, but jen got wristbands for her daughter and her boss so that they could ride the team in training shuttles to each of the cheering spots.
no wristband for me, so i’d have to try to drive the route and try to catch up with them, which is going to be nearly impossible, so i’m just going to wait until the race is over, and go into the city for dinner with them. kind of makes me wish i hadn’t taken the day off tomorrow. i could easily have worked during the day and just gone to the city for dinner after work.
whatever, it is what it is...
i guess i wished that she would have wanted to come over to my house, see where i live, and i could have shown her all around berkeley and oakland and showed her where i work and stuff...but i guess, if you live in oklahoma and you get to come to san francisco, then you want to do the touristy stuff, even though you did the touristy stuff the year before.
it doesn’t really matter. i don’t really have it in me to be social anyway. and this way, i can be peripherally social without having to commit. i just drive people around and let them do whatever they want. just show up and fade into the woodwork. it’s what i’m used to. it’s what i’m good at.
so now, here i am, in my house, in my bed, trying not to think about the bridge and the disappointments and trying to stop shaking inside.
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