i'm still here.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

i haven’t written in a long time because i haven’t had anything to say. not that i haven’t had anything new to say, i just haven’t had anything at all to say. i’m not sure i have anything to say now, but i felt like i should write something.

here’s what’s been happening of late:

- i have some kind of what is looking like a kidney infection. it isn’t a UTI, which i now know after taking a course of antibiotics that did nothing, and taking a bunch of test showing that it is not a UTI. i have an appointment with a kidney specialist on tuesday. i’ve been dealing with horrible kidney pain and urinary incontinence for three weeks now, and no one seems to be able to tell me what is wrong with me.

- i had an insurance form that i was trying to mail stolen out of my mailbox. someone probably thought there was a check inside. but now they have my name, address, phone number, social security number, employee ID, and information about why i’m seeing sandra. it feels like a horrible violation, not to mention that i’m likely to get my identity stolen and there is nothing i can do about it.

- i found out that my last disability check from my short term disability never arrived. more likley, it was also stolen out of my mailbox, so now i have to fight with the state to reissue the check that i never got but am entitled to.

- i am going to owe about $6000 in taxes. and i’m fucked, because i don’t have $6000.

- my parents and i got into a huge fight on the phone the night the letter got stolen out of my mailbox. they are probably going to stop paying for therapy, which means i won’t be able to see sandra anymore.

- i am finding it increasingly more difficult to hold my shit together at work. this means that i’m probably heading for another complete and total breakdown.

- some days i feel like it is more and more plausible, and that i am getting closer to being able to kill myself, some days, it is all more hazy and i don’t feel real at all, some days, i’m just here.

- i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m never going to be able to buy a house, so i’m stuck here in the ghetto with no yard for the dogs, which means that i will never be able to live in a place where they don’t pee and shit all over the place. this makes it more and more difficult to keep on living. what’s the point if you have to live in filth? (and yes, i clean on a daily, sometimes many times a day basis). but hey, having your mail stolen and finding little empty crack (and other drug) baggies on the sidewalk in front of your house is charming, right?

i guess that’s it...kind of. so you can see that nothing has changed, and in fact, things just keep getting worse. nothing like getting kicked when you are down.