frustrated.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

i am so easily frustrated. but i am almost violently frustrated when there are actual things to be frustrated about.

yesterday, i was updating my site, and i realized that i needed to make some changes that i didn’t know how to do. so, of course, i googled, looking for information about how to make the changes, and sent a few emails and got the answer that i was using an outdated version of the software that i use for my site. so, today, i upgraded, and when i went to look at my site, it was completely fucked. none of my formatting was there, none of my pictures were there, none of my customizations were there. i got so angry, i smashed my head against the wall so hard that i cracked the wall. i tried to fix things, but nothing was working, so again, i banged my head, i clawed at my face and i bit my own hand.

now i have a splitting headache and i’m sure i have scratch marks on my face.

it’s like the frustration turns immediately to rage and i can’t control it.

i don’t know, it’s like i have this strange sense of entitlement or something. like, ok, i’m suffering, and i’m horribly depressed, but does that mean that absolutely every fucking thing has to go wrong? gimme a fucking break, don’t i deserve it?

for example:
i had my taxes re-done by my dad’s tax guy, cause i did them online and i fucked them up and wound up paying more than i needed to. so the guy re-does my taxes and sends me the forms to sign and mail. i do so, and a few weeks later, instead of a refund, i get a letter from the state of california saying that i owe an additional $2500, and it’s due by the 25th of november. i don’t know what the guy did, but he fucked things up for me. so now i have to pay money to the state that i don’t fucking have. all because i was trying to do the right thing and make sure my taxes were correct.

fuck, my head hurts.

i’ve been watching dexter. one of my co-workers loaned me the first season and i’ve watched the first 5 episodes so far. i like it. it’s pretty good.

sandra wants me to write down my goals for therapy. i don’t have any goals. i want to be dead. she doesn’t get that.

i’m watching a show about einstein on tv. they just said that einstein told his family when he was a young man that, “perhaps it would have been better if i had not been born.”

hmmm. i’m like einstein. except for the fact that i’m no genius and my life has no meaning and no impact on the world. so i guess i’m not like einstein.

i’m so scattered right now. all i know is that between a semi-incontinent cat, and a dog who pees everywhere, my whole apartment reeks and i don’t know what do to clean it. i scrub and scour, but the whole place still smells like pee.

god, i want to die....i fucking want to die.
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