piles and piles of stuff.

Friday, December 26, 2008

i was thinking last night, looking around at all my “stuff” and thinking, what am i going to do with all of this stuff! and especially, what am i going to do with the 9 family photo albums that are sitting on my shelf. what do you do with all that personal shit? i mean, once my parents are gone, there is only me, and what happens to all those things when i’m gone?? i wonder if i should send them all back to my mom, cause she might want them...

i wonder if i should just put them in a big metal trash can and burn them all??

what do i do with my high school year books, and all the pictures of me and julie that i can’t look at anymore because it hurts too much. what do i do with the framed pictures of my brother and my parents? what do i do with the picture of me and my dad at the father daughter sock hop from 5th grade? what do i do with all of this shit?

i have so much crap! i don’t want to accumulate any more crap. i have a guitar that i never play. i have a whole bunch of music books. music that i used to try to play on my guitar. i have books coming out of my ears. i have clocks and chotchkies and clothes i don’t wear and shoes that don’t fit anymore and stuffed animals and knit hats and jars of smelly lotions and salves and a shit load of little bottles of patchouli and tv remote controls that go to tv’s that i don’t even own anymore. i have wooden boxes filled with crap, i have drawers full of stuff. i have a storage unit filled with plastic bins filled with shit. i have skis and paints and beads and a box full of dresses that i will never wear again, but that i can’t get rid of because they represent a time in my life when i was happy, following the grateful dead around and spinning and dancing to amazing music. i have music. i have cd’s and cassette tapes, i have dvd’s and rolls of duct tape and tools and pots and pans and dishes and mugs that will never be used. i have oceans and oceans of stuff. it’s drowning me...

sometimes i feel like just opening up my doors and inviting the ghetto folk to come on in and take whatever they want, and sit there, watching all my stuff leaving. i’m not sure why i don’t actually do it. could be that i don’t my whole neighborhood traipsing through my apartment.

i want to purge myself of all of my stuff and then leave this place.

i haven’t seen sandra in 15 days. i won’t see her for another 11 days. i am trying my best to stay hidden safely behind my wall. i’m trying really hard not to need her or to feel. i’m trying not to miss her.

but i miss her.

i’m trying to make her small and far away so that i don’t think about her. i’m trying to make myself small and far away so that i don’t think at all.

i just want to vanish. i want to be able to will myself out of existence.
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