no more words.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
i feel like i don’t have any more words. this frightens me for more than several reasons. i feel that now, when i write, it’s the same trite things that i’ve been writing for the past two years. sandra wants me to tell her things. she wants me to tell her deep and intimate things about how i feel inside, and not only do i not feel safe telling her, i don’t even think i have the words to express them anymore. i don’t know if it is that i am so trapped inside myself that i can’t even access my own feelings anymore, or that i just don’t have any other feelings than the wish to die and the shame that accompanies this level of depression. cause really, the only thing i am capable of feeling anymore is shame.
and sandra wants me to look at her. she wants me to see compassion in her eyes, she wants me to see that she is not ashamed of me, but what she doesn’t understand is that the shame comes from deep within me and it is reflected in everything i see. looking into her eyes is not going to show me anything but the shame i feel about myself reflected in her eyes and i don’t want to see that in her. what she doesn’t know is that i can’t even look at myself. i don’t look in the mirror. i can’t look anyone in the eye. it’s just too hard. it’s just too embarrassing.
v tells me i’m a truth teller, but i don’t feel like i’m capable of telling any truths lately. other than the truth that i am a complete fuck up and a waste of time, energy and space. but everyone knows that, so there is nothing brave or new in me putting that information out there.
i honestly don’t know what to do with myself. i don’t know if i should quit therapy and die, or if i should keep going to see sandra and keep trying to hold on, even though it is possibly the most difficult thing i’ve ever tried to do. i don’t know if i should start giving my things away and making arrangements for the animals. i don’t know if i should check myself into a hospital (which i cannot afford to do). i don’t know if i should just keep existing from day to day, slowly losing more and more of myself to the darkness until there is nothing left of me or whatever me there was.
and sandra wants me to look at her. she wants me to see compassion in her eyes, she wants me to see that she is not ashamed of me, but what she doesn’t understand is that the shame comes from deep within me and it is reflected in everything i see. looking into her eyes is not going to show me anything but the shame i feel about myself reflected in her eyes and i don’t want to see that in her. what she doesn’t know is that i can’t even look at myself. i don’t look in the mirror. i can’t look anyone in the eye. it’s just too hard. it’s just too embarrassing.
v tells me i’m a truth teller, but i don’t feel like i’m capable of telling any truths lately. other than the truth that i am a complete fuck up and a waste of time, energy and space. but everyone knows that, so there is nothing brave or new in me putting that information out there.
i honestly don’t know what to do with myself. i don’t know if i should quit therapy and die, or if i should keep going to see sandra and keep trying to hold on, even though it is possibly the most difficult thing i’ve ever tried to do. i don’t know if i should start giving my things away and making arrangements for the animals. i don’t know if i should check myself into a hospital (which i cannot afford to do). i don’t know if i should just keep existing from day to day, slowly losing more and more of myself to the darkness until there is nothing left of me or whatever me there was.
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