so what?

Monday, December 01, 2008

i feel fragmented. i feel empty. i feel dead inside, and i feel frightened.

i feel like i can’t catch up to myself. i know that doesn’t make any sense. it’s like i’m running on a treadmill, and i’m chasing myself, but i can’t catch me. or maybe i’m running after the me i used to be, or the me i wanted to be, or the me that i know i’ll never be able to be.

i feel like a shell of a person.

and i feel like a fraud.

i feel better unmedicated. that sounds so strange. i feel better because i feel worse. at least i can feel.

for a few days, i felt adamantly averse to writing in my diary. i did not feel like publicly emoting. it feels so pathetic. boy (or girl, as it were) crying wolf and all that nonsense.

someone said something to me in response to a response to their email, and i felt mocked. i said something to the effect of wanting to die but still being able to smile, and their response felt like they were mocking me. like they were making light of how i felt. and it hurt my feelings...so i decided that i would not write anything at all, because it all seems so absurd.

but i think i just take myself too seriously. i can’t expect anyone to understand how horrible it feels on the inside of me. and other people have their own issues that seem more important and more grave (pardon the pun) to them. i’m sure it must seem patently ridiculous from the outside in, to see someone so privileged, who has whatever she wants, to be so miserable.

and really, what do i have to be so upset about?

i mean, so what if i have this horrible depression. and so what if my parents don’t want me. and so what if my brother killed himself. and so what if my entire family has written me off and excommunicated me. and so what if the love of my life decimated my heart when she left me so abruptly. and so what if i detest myself. and so what if my own body disgusts me. and so what if all i want in the world is to not have to be in the world anymore.

so what??

so many other people have it so much worse. so many other people are actually suffering. i am just a spoiled brat. i should just buck up and accept my situation and move on with things. i should just be happy, and grateful for all the things i have.

but i don’t.

and i’m not.

and i don’t know what is wrong with me that makes me want die so badly.

i know that i am an inherently bad person. i know that i don’t deserve to be wanted or loved. i know that....

i guess i answer my own questions.

and i know that it’s only a matter of time.
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