a week later.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

i went back to the urologist today, presumably to discuss my test results. i had no idea i was in for more testing. more humiliation.

only to find that there is nothing wrong with me.

this was my biggest fear. that they would find nothing wrong, that i would just have to deal with the incontinence and pain.

the doctor gave me some pills that are supposed to help, and told me not to eat chocolate, caffeine, citrus fruit, foods high in potassium, foods high in acid, pistachios, spicy foods, rye bread or sour dough bread, apples, aged cheese, alcohol, tomatoes, artificial sweeteners, mexican food, and carbonated beverages.

great. so now i have to live with incontinence and i can’t eat anything that i like to eat.

i told myself that if there was nothing wrong, if i was just going to have to live with it, then i wasn’t going to stick around. i already have nothing to live for. this just makes it so much worse.

i really have to think hard about how i’m going to make sure the animals are taken care of. i can’t just leave them.

also, i had a horrible session with sandra today. she told me that she didn’t think she could help me unless i could “meet her half way” and talk to her and tell her things. the problem is, i don’t know what i can tell her. i feel paralyzed when i am in her office. i can’t talk, sometimes i can’t even move. i feel like the words get frozen in my throat and i can’t get them out. i feel so trapped behind the walls inside my head. i can’t get out and i can’t let her in. and if she can’t help me, then i will have to quit therapy, and that’s a death sentence. if i don’t have sandra, then i don’t have anyone and i’m going to die.

she says that she’s not going to leave and that she wants me to stay, but i don’t know, i just feel like i have pushed her too much. i have pushed her away and now it seems, i have pushed her up against a wall, and i’m going to lose her just like i’ve lost everyone else.