completely gone.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
i don’t know if i should be worried about the economy or the election or what is going to happen if barack obama doesn’t get elected. i feel like i am too mired in my own personal crisis to worry about what is happening in the world. i mean, i know that the economy is crumbling around me, but i have a false sense of security because of where i work. there’s really no recession at apple. our store is packed day after day, and people aren’t curbing their spending when it comes to computers, iphones and ipods. so i don’t really think about the fact that my bank just took a digger and the dollar is dying and stocks are falling...
i spend more time thinking about how my relationship with sandra is failing and how i am getting nowhere in therapy and how and when and if i’m going to take my own life than i do about other stuff. i guess i’m just selfish really. i mean, when you boil it down, i pretty much think of no one but myself.
i’m pretty much in panic mode right now. super high anxiety. to the point of completely disassociating and not being able to concentrate or breathe. sandra told me yesterday that she basically wants me to stop texting her and she wants to schedule phone calls because she doesn’t want to feel like she has to call me all the time. she says that she doesn’t want to lay awake worrying because she didn’t get to call me. i feel like she is pulling away from me. i feel like she is getting ready to boot me or ask me to leave and never come back. i feel like she is setting the groundwork for telling me that she can’t work with me anymore. and, of course, i should have seen it coming, but frankly, i can’t handle it. i don’t know if i will survive this. i am barely holding on to myself right now, barely holding myself together. and if she does boot me, that may just be the end of me. i was trying to hold on to her, but now i just feel like she’s stepped back and there is nothing for me to hold on to, and i feel very small and very alone, and very frightened.
and this has nothing to do with anything, although, maybe it’s a metaphor of some sort (although, i’m not sure how)...but i took my nipple piercings out this morning and by the time i got home from work tonight, they had completely closed up. end of an era i guess. you’d think that, having been there for two years, that it would have taken longer for them to close up, but they are completely gone.
i feel completely gone too...
i guess there’s your metaphor...
i spend more time thinking about how my relationship with sandra is failing and how i am getting nowhere in therapy and how and when and if i’m going to take my own life than i do about other stuff. i guess i’m just selfish really. i mean, when you boil it down, i pretty much think of no one but myself.
i’m pretty much in panic mode right now. super high anxiety. to the point of completely disassociating and not being able to concentrate or breathe. sandra told me yesterday that she basically wants me to stop texting her and she wants to schedule phone calls because she doesn’t want to feel like she has to call me all the time. she says that she doesn’t want to lay awake worrying because she didn’t get to call me. i feel like she is pulling away from me. i feel like she is getting ready to boot me or ask me to leave and never come back. i feel like she is setting the groundwork for telling me that she can’t work with me anymore. and, of course, i should have seen it coming, but frankly, i can’t handle it. i don’t know if i will survive this. i am barely holding on to myself right now, barely holding myself together. and if she does boot me, that may just be the end of me. i was trying to hold on to her, but now i just feel like she’s stepped back and there is nothing for me to hold on to, and i feel very small and very alone, and very frightened.
and this has nothing to do with anything, although, maybe it’s a metaphor of some sort (although, i’m not sure how)...but i took my nipple piercings out this morning and by the time i got home from work tonight, they had completely closed up. end of an era i guess. you’d think that, having been there for two years, that it would have taken longer for them to close up, but they are completely gone.
i feel completely gone too...
i guess there’s your metaphor...
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