force.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
i’m not sure what to do about therapy, about sandra, about myself. i want to quit therapy. i want to walk away from it completely. but i don’t know. i don’t know if that would be a death sentence or a liberation. i don’t think it’s helping. sandra is asking me to do things that i can’t do. things that are too hard. i have too many buried feelings that i don’t want to unearth. she wants me to talk about them and be curious about them and dissect them and mull them over. but i can’t do that. i can’t feel those feelings. i can’t think about those things. my head goes to those painful memories too often as it is. julie invades my head and crowds my thoughts. kevin shows up in my dreams. all my failures come to me, one after the next, like lost children trying to come home, clinging to me. but there is no home for them. there is no room anymore for them and i can’t make them go away. so i lock them up, deep inside my head and i try to forget them. and every once in a while, they bubble to the surface, squirming their way under the wall or through some cracks in the fortifications, and i have to do what i can to drive them back, to force them into submission. to make them go away.
i am not strong enough to do that. i am not strong enough to do this. i am not strong enough to do what sandra wants me to do. i want to quit. and if i don’t quit, i want to take a break of an indeterminate amount of time. a break that will stretch out and turn into a quitting. and then sandra can forget about me and i can take all those feelings i have about wanting her to be my mother and needing her to take care of me, and i can shove them back behind the wall, never to be heard from again.
i am not strong enough to do that. i am not strong enough to do this. i am not strong enough to do what sandra wants me to do. i want to quit. and if i don’t quit, i want to take a break of an indeterminate amount of time. a break that will stretch out and turn into a quitting. and then sandra can forget about me and i can take all those feelings i have about wanting her to be my mother and needing her to take care of me, and i can shove them back behind the wall, never to be heard from again.
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