pain.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
everything hurts. mostly, my wrists hurt. it’s like phantom pain, like from old cutting. i remember when i was 16, in high school. i tried to cut my wrists, but the cuts were shallow and did not bleed very much. ever since then, i’ve had weird phantom pain in my wrists. it usually happens when i’m feeling the most desperate.
sandra asked me today if i needed to go to the hospital. i told her no. i can’t afford it. and i’m not going through that whole humiliation with going to the emergency room again. i don’t want to go to the hospital. i wish i could do some kind of out patient thing. but i know what kaiser has to offer in that arena and it’s for shit, so i guess i don’t really wish that...
i don’t know what i wish.
i guess i wish i wasn’t so afraid of dying, because ultimately, i’m afraid of it. if i wasn’t so afraid, it would be a done deal.
my head hurts. my wrists hurt.
i’m supposed to go see dar williams tomorrow night with two co-workers. i don’t want to go. i’m supposed to see sandra tomorrow too. i don’t want to do that either.
i don’t really have much to say. i mean, i guess i have a lot to say, but at this point, i’m not willing to say it. bad stuff happened when jen was here. suffice it to say, she will probably never speak to me again. i suppose i deserve it, but it still hurts. that’s all i’m going to say though.
i have successfully pushed everyone who gives a shit about me far away. i can’t fucking do anything right anymore. i just want to die. i just want to vanish.
sandra asked me today if i needed to go to the hospital. i told her no. i can’t afford it. and i’m not going through that whole humiliation with going to the emergency room again. i don’t want to go to the hospital. i wish i could do some kind of out patient thing. but i know what kaiser has to offer in that arena and it’s for shit, so i guess i don’t really wish that...
i don’t know what i wish.
i guess i wish i wasn’t so afraid of dying, because ultimately, i’m afraid of it. if i wasn’t so afraid, it would be a done deal.
my head hurts. my wrists hurt.
i’m supposed to go see dar williams tomorrow night with two co-workers. i don’t want to go. i’m supposed to see sandra tomorrow too. i don’t want to do that either.
i don’t really have much to say. i mean, i guess i have a lot to say, but at this point, i’m not willing to say it. bad stuff happened when jen was here. suffice it to say, she will probably never speak to me again. i suppose i deserve it, but it still hurts. that’s all i’m going to say though.
i have successfully pushed everyone who gives a shit about me far away. i can’t fucking do anything right anymore. i just want to die. i just want to vanish.
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