lost.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

i am so lost. i honestly don’t know what to do.

i don’t trust sandra. i don’t trust anyone. i don’t trust myself.

sandra wants to help me, but i don’t think i actually want the help. why else would i be fighting so hard against her?

i don’t want to take the medicine. i don’t want to go to the hospital. i don’t want to do whatever it takes. i must not want to get better.

i keep thinking that if i let myself sink deep enough, things will take care of themselves. but either i have not sunk deep enough yet, or nothing ever really takes care of itself.

i don’t know what to do.

i called sandra tonight and just asked her to tell me i wasn’t bad. i thought that maybe if i heard it from her, i would believe it. but i didn’t.

she told me that this isn’t my fault, but i can’t see how it isn’t.

i see the messages from people. i see them telling me that they care and that they are worried, or that they don’t want me to be in this mess...but i fear that i am so far away, so far gone, that their messages aren’t reaching me.

i don’t know how i got here.

i don’t know how it is every going to be possible to get back.
|