thoughts.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
v asked me tonight if i had fired sandra yet. as though it were something that was even possible. as though i were not so inextricably tied to sandra that i could easily just walk away.
as much as i am frustrated with therapy, and as much as i don’t think it is working, and even as much as i might think that sandra hasn’t got the first clue about how to help me, i don’t think i could fire her. i don’t think i could just leave and never speak to her or see her again. she has kept me alive for almost two years now. something she is doing has kept me tied to her for this long. i don’t know if it is the deep desire and wish that she could be my mother, or if it is that she really cares for me and loves me. i don’t know what it is, but every time i have tried to just walk away, i find myself going back to her.
she is the first person i think to call when i am in a panic. she is the first person i want to comfort me when i am inconsolable. she is the first person i think about when i am sure that it is finally time to end things.
i don’t know. maybe i should fire her. maybe i should walk away from therapy and from the help that she is trying to give me.
i don’t really know what to do. but for now, i feel like i need her, so i will continue to cling to her for my very survival...
until i can’t hold on any longer.
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