utter humiliation.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
my trip to the urologist...
today, i went to the urologist to have a urodynamic evaluation. it was less than pleasant, to say the very least.
these are some of my thoughts and observations.
i arrived early, and sat in the waiting room, which was for the most part, empty at 7:30 in the morning. i tried to calm myself by staying in my head and playing mancala on my iphone. i’d been sitting in the waiting room for about 15 minutes, when this incredibly loud, obnoxious “woman” came in with a young 13 year old boy and another guy who was probably in his mid to late 20’s. i put woman in quotes because i honestly didn’t know if it was a lady or a guy in drag, a cross dresser, or a tranny, or what... but for the sake of argument, i’ll call her she. so anyway, she comes in talking loudly, apparently accompanying this boy who had the appointment. the nurse was trying to get her attention and called her mama, and she replied, “i ain’t this boy’s mama, i’m miss something or other” (it sounded to me like she said, i’m mister something or other, but it could have been i’m miss de-something or other.) this only added to my confusion, but i kept my head down and continued to play my game. it was a tiny waiting room, so her voice filled it up. at one point, she says to me, “can i ax you a question, ‘scuse me, miss, i gotta ax you, did that hurt?”
i didn’t look up, she couldn’t possibly be talking to me.
“miss, can i ax you, did that hurt?”
i looked at her, she was pointing to her lip, “did that hurt?” she asked me again, referring to my labret piercing.
“yes, it hurt” i said, trying to sound annoyed and trying not to sound annoyed at the same time. i wanted her to leave me alone, i was terrified enough of the procedure (which i knew nothing about at this point, beyond the whole catheter thing), and i just wanted to be left alone. so i focused on my game and prayed that she wouldn’t talk to me anymore.
she went on about how her son had his tongue pierced, and how she thought that was cute, but he took it out because he got teased, or something like that. at this point, she was no longer talking to me, but to the whole room and the fact that i wasn’t paying any outward attention to her made no difference at all.
i got up and went to the bathroom, and when i came out of the bathroom, a nurse ushered me into another office, where the procedure would take place.
in the room was an exam table with leg holders which looked scary enough, but there was a machine with tubes coming out of it and a big hanging bag of what i assumed was saline. there was a sink in the room and the faucet was dripping. i could not get over the irony of a dripping sink in an office where people come because they can’t pee, or because they can’t stop peeing. if it were any other situation, i might have laughed.
in the room there was also a toilet chair with a huge funnel in it. the nurse came in and asked me to sit on it and empty my bladder, that they would be measuring the flow of the urine. it was all very humiliating. it’s bad enough having to pee in a cup and then hand it to someone, but there is horribly indignity in having to perform normal bodily functions in front of other people on command. but i had no idea the indignity that was coming.
i was told to undress from the waist down, and sit on this exam table. i had to put my legs up on the leg holders, and the nurse adjusted them so that i was spread wide open. she then raised up the table so that my vag. was pretty much right in her face. she poked and prodded around. she shaved me. she inserted two catheters, one into my vag. and one into my butt. she was nice enough to tell me what she was going to do before she did it, but it was pretty much horrible. i just laid there and tried not to cry, staring out the window at the trees outside. after getting me all prepped, she had me stand up and go back over to the funnel toilet chair, and then the doctor came in. he filled my bladder up with the saline and i was supposed to tell him when i felt like i needed to pee, and when it felt unbearable, and then i had to empty my bladder, right there in front of him. and i couldn’t do it. mostly because i thought that the catheter wouldn’t let me. he got up and he and the nurse left the room to give me privacy so that i would pee. the nurse turned on the sink when she left. and then they came back and i still hadn’t peed. the doctor told me to try again, and still nothing. he started to get annoyed, and was going to get up and leave again, which i found utterly ridiculous, so i finally said, “you don’t need to leave, i’m trying to pee as hard as i can, but nothing is going to come out because of the catheter, right?” and he said, “oh, no, i’m sorry, you can just pee around it, it’s very small, i thought you knew that.”
“oh, yeah, of course i knew that, i have this done all the fucking time, silly me!”*
so i emptied my bladder, and he typed some stuff in the computer and then he left. the nurse had me get back up on the table and removed everything, and then told me that we were done and i could get dressed.
i got dressed and left. the whole thing was absolutely horrible. i have to go back to the doctor next wednesday to find out the results of the test, and meanwhile, i am still having horrible kidney pain and incontinence.
at the very end, the nurse gave me antibiotics to take, just in case. it felt like being raped and then being given the morning after pill, just in case.**
i have to say, that part of me hopes it is something serious. something fatal, so that i can be done with all of it and i won’t have to kill myself, and sandra won’t hate me or be mad at me, cause it won’t be something that i did to myself, but something that happened to me, and my parents can’t blame me or be mad at me.
but, knowing me and how my life ends up going, it will just be something that i will have to wind up living with, or i’ll have to take some horrible pill that has horrible side effects.
god, i just want to die. i don’t understand why it is all so difficult.
*no, of course i didn’t really say that...
**yes, i know what it feels like to be raped, having been raped when i was in college...
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