giving up.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

i feel like i have nothing to hold on to. nothing to look forward to. nothing to live for anymore. as much as i was scared about going back to festival, i realize that i was really looking forward to it. and now that i can’t go, i just feel completely deflated.

i realize that my life consists of living in this small apartment with my dogs and cats, waking up, cleaning up the dog shit and the pee, feeding them, going to work, coming home, cleaning up the dog shit and pee, feeding them, going to sleep and waking up to do it all over again the next day. i can’t afford to board the dogs so that i can go to festival and have a break. i had paid down my credit card by saving up money and plunking down a huge $3000 payment, only to have the credit card company cut my credit in half and leaving me with no credit at all. i was going to use that credit to pay to board the dogs and pay the cat sitter in august. but now that money is not there, and not only do i not have the credit, but i don’t have the $3000 either, meaning that i don’t have enough money each month to pay all of my bills. i’m just sinking deeper and deeper into a hole that i will never be able to climb out of.

and i supposed it’s probably better that i don’t go to festival, because i’m enormous, and i wouldn’t fit on the plane anyway. i’m sure that i will never be invited back to work. i will most definitely never ever get my ac position back. sandra suggested that i go as a festie, but what good would that be? i wouldn’t be allowed in the area where all of my friends are. i wouldn’t be able to camp or eat with them. i’d probably just sit in my tent the whole time. it’s just not the reason i even want to go in the first place.

i just feel like any hope that i had inside, any motivation that i had inside me, even though it was remote and small has just been sucked away. i just don’t have it in me to even try anymore. i just can’t do this.

i’ll never be able to move from this small apartment. i’m stuck here in the hood. i’ll never be able to afford to live somewhere with a yard for the dogs so that i don’t have to clean up the pee and shit in the kitchen all the time. i’m barely scraping by. i’ll never be able to have anything more than this. i’m never going to lose any of this weight. i’m never going to get any better. my life is irrevocably fucked up, and there just doesn’t seem like there is any point in any of this anymore.
|