fishing.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
there is something you learn very early on when you have depression or low self esteem. you learn not to tell people how you feel. you learn not to honestly respond to questions like, "how are you?" or "you look sad, what's wrong" or anything similar.
people don't want to hear your truthful response. they want you to say, "fine" or "ok" so that they can go on with their day without having to really see you.
when you are young, and you answer honestly, people tell you that you are fishing for compliments. i remember the very first time i ever heard that. i was probably 13 or 14 years old, and someone asked me how i was. i told them, i think i must have said something akin to "i hate myself" or something like that, and they went on to tell me all the reasons that i shouldn't feel that way, what a great person i was, blah blah blah. then they told me that i was just fishing for compliments. i was horrified. fishing for compliments was the last thing i was doing. i was just trying to share with someone how i felt inside. i didn't want them to tell me otherwise or try to talk me out of it. i knew how i felt and i knew what was real.
it was very soon after that, that i stopped telling people how i really felt when asked. i did not want to be thought of as someone who fished for compliments.
even today, at work there are a few people who know how much i hate myself. it's my fault really, cause i posted shit on facebook about my status. about how i was really feeling (i have stopped doing that). there is one person in particular, who i really like and admire. everytime something good happens or i have a good interraction with a customer, he tells me, "see, you're a really good person" or something very similar to that. i want to tell him he is so very wrong, that he just doesn't know me because all he sees is the work persona. that he can't possibly know what a dark, horrible person i actually am. because if i did tell him those things, he would think that i was fishing for compliments.
i'm not.
people don't want to hear your truthful response. they want you to say, "fine" or "ok" so that they can go on with their day without having to really see you.
when you are young, and you answer honestly, people tell you that you are fishing for compliments. i remember the very first time i ever heard that. i was probably 13 or 14 years old, and someone asked me how i was. i told them, i think i must have said something akin to "i hate myself" or something like that, and they went on to tell me all the reasons that i shouldn't feel that way, what a great person i was, blah blah blah. then they told me that i was just fishing for compliments. i was horrified. fishing for compliments was the last thing i was doing. i was just trying to share with someone how i felt inside. i didn't want them to tell me otherwise or try to talk me out of it. i knew how i felt and i knew what was real.
it was very soon after that, that i stopped telling people how i really felt when asked. i did not want to be thought of as someone who fished for compliments.
even today, at work there are a few people who know how much i hate myself. it's my fault really, cause i posted shit on facebook about my status. about how i was really feeling (i have stopped doing that). there is one person in particular, who i really like and admire. everytime something good happens or i have a good interraction with a customer, he tells me, "see, you're a really good person" or something very similar to that. i want to tell him he is so very wrong, that he just doesn't know me because all he sees is the work persona. that he can't possibly know what a dark, horrible person i actually am. because if i did tell him those things, he would think that i was fishing for compliments.
i'm not.
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